A/N: Here you go. Enjoy and review. Love reviews. That's all.
Chapter 10:
Spike woke up to the sound of his alarm clock and his dog licking his face. He pressed the snooze button as he always did and pushed Spot away from him. He set his clock for 18 minutes ahead from when he wanted to get up. It made him think that he was running late. It was something he had picked up from a psychology class he took in college. He was about to fall back to sleep when he heard her sigh.
He felt her arms rapped around his stomach. She was definitely asleep, but she was asleep in his bed. He wondered how that had happened. He remembered last night and how she had told him to go to sleep, but he had thought that she would leave after that. He had not expected her to stay and sleep in the same bed as him.
Spot stood there and looked at Spike. Spike knew that his dog expected him to get up and feed him, but he was wiped out. He also had Buffy to worry about. Spike could feel her breathing against his back. He didn't want to wake her and he could really use a couple more minutes of sleep. Of course if she got up before him and freaked out that would be the end of him. It just felt really nice to be sleeping in her arms. He decided that it would all be worth it somehow and feel back to sleep.
******
Buffy thought she had heard the alarm clock go off, but quickly dismissed it and fell back to sleep. This time she knew that she had heard an alarm clock. She saw Spike automatically turn it off and then fall back to sleep. She decided that she had better wake him up because it was already 6:30. Of course that was still early, but she thought that they position they were in was a little too close.
"Spike." Spike didn't hear her. He was sleeping soundly and didn't want to wake up. Buffy decided that she would have to speak up.
"Spike." He stirred, but didn't wake up. Buffy didn't want to scream, but she didn't see any other choices.
"SPIKE!"
Spike shot up after he heard his name being yelled. Some part of his mind still thought that he was at Angel's house. He jumped up and headed out of the door until he realized that he was at home.
"Huh. I wonder who yelled."
"I did." Spike spun around. He had forgotten that Buffy was there.
"Oh, sorry Buffy I still thought that I was Angel's house. It kinda freaked me out."
"I could see that you were in a hurry to get some place. You bolted up and out like one of those cartoon characters. It was a little confusing at first."
"So what are you still doing here?"
"I had no way of getting home and I figured that I might as well sleep here." Spike was about to say in my bed, but thought better of it. She was obviously not mad or phased by what had just taken place and he figured that it would be better if he just shut up about it.
"So, do you want some breakfast. I'm pretty sure that there is some cereal and stuff."
"A bachelor with milk and cereal. What are the odds?"
"Well like I said, I'm a neat freak and there just isn't anything that I can do about it. I think it might be a mental disease." There was a nervous laugh that came from him and then there was silence. Eerie, awkward silence. It was almost deafening.
"Look Buffy, what I told you about the whole wanting to die thing."
"Yes."
"I need to know that it doesn't go further than this. Everyone just thinks that I screwed up. They would rather blame it on that then anything else. I never told them. I think that Wes knew and that was why he got all upset when I did it. I didn't tell him he just knew."
"I understand. I've never told Willow that I've had some suicidal thoughts. I think that everyone has them once in their life."
"Yeah well I don't want to be a statistic. I know that I was being stupid, but that still doesn't help my state of mind. I still think about it. I wonder if I was happier if I would think about it. Things just don't go right when your name is William David "Spike" Flannery."
Buffy looked at Spike. He truly did hate himself and his life. He wanted nothing more then his dad's approval, but not only that. He wanted something more. Something that no one had given him ever in his life. Buffy couldn't tell what that was, but she knew it was there. She could sense it. Even though he didn't even realize it.
"Spike look I think that you should sit down and talk about these things with a professional."
"Like a shrink?"
"Yeah. Willow is a psychiatrist and she would be willing to pencil you in for a quick appointment. It would be on the house." "You would get her to do it for free?"
"Yeah. She listens to my problems for free. If I paid her she would be a millionaire."
"I don't know Buffy. I don't like to talk to people about my problems."
"Come on. Think of it as talking to a friend. If I'm your friend then Willow would be your friend somewhere down the line."
"Okay, but after the trial. Now I think that we should get ready for our court date."
********
Spike sat in his seat in the courtroom. Oz had already testified and he hadn't lost his cool. Dru had drilled him with tons of questions to assassinate his character and he had stayed clam. It was an Oscar worthy performance. Spike could see it when he wanted to blow, but remained unemotional. Amy had testified and it seemed that Dru and Riley were thrown off by it. Amy had testified perfectly and things had gone smoothly from then on. Harmony's testimony was like icing on the cake. She was great at re-hashing the events and getting the medical bills everything seemed to be going his way until.
"Counselor. You have turned in your list of witnesses and Miss Collins you have decided to a rebuttal witness."
"Your honor I never received notice about a rebuttal." Spike said. He seemed shocked.
"Oh well then here is the name of the witness." He passed a paper to the bailiff and the bailiff passed the paper to Spike. He could hear everyone's breath in the courtroom. He could hear Willow whispering to Oz and Oz explaining to everyone what was happening.
Spike was almost fearful to look at the paper. He didn't want to know what named it had on it. Although he had a pretty good idea who it was. His fears were confirmed when he saw that the piece of paper said Joyce Schafer. Spike looked at the judge and said as formally as he could.
"I would like to know the relevance of that witnesses testimony." Judge Stevens could see that the young man was trying to avoid saying the witness's name so he played along.
"That witness happens to know Ms. Summers on a personal level and it would be relevant to the case to know someone else's perspective of the relationship that the plaintiff and the defendant had." Spike saw that the logic was airtight.
"Alright your honor I think that I would like to call a recess and wait until tomorrow to finish up my witness testimony."
"Recess granted." With that the day was done and he had to face Buffy's questioning face.
"So I see that you are shocked by the turn of events." Dru said. She was overjoyed to see Spike squirm.
"Answer me one question. What do you hope to accomplish with this little stunt?" "Winning the case."
"Just because this happens doesn't mean you'll win."
"Your witnesses end tomorrow."
"There's always tomorrow." Dru stood there looking at Spike defiantly and then turned her back. She and Riley left
. "Spike what is it?" Buffy wanted to know what the big deal was.
"It seems that your mom is testifying on Riley's behave."
"No, Joyce wouldn't go that low." Willow said. Spike showed the five people the paper and they gasped.
"That bitch. Who the hell does she think she is?"
"Buffy calm down. We still have Andrew and you. I think we might stand a chance."
"Might. Are you kidding? She let you have those free hits earlier. Now she's going for the big guns and you won't be able to do anything about it. You lost." Buffy said. She wasn't angry at Spike, but more at what was happening.
"Look we haven't lost yet. And so what if she gave us those hits earlier. We hit her pretty well. I think that we still have a chance. I have one more trick up my sleeve."
"Okay then. We'll be here tomorrow for more testimony." Oz said.
"Right Mr. Flannery is right. This case still has a chance." Willow said.
"Okay then we are here to support." Amy said.
"I'll try to be here tomorrow Buffy. Count on that." Harmony said. The crowd dispersed and all that was left was Willow, Spike, and Buffy.
"Um, Will I think that we should get going. We will be on the clock in a few more minutes." Willow said. She tried to remain calm, but she didn't like the idea of helping this guy. She didn't know him. That was okay, but she could tell that Buffy liked him and, Willow knew that if he needed help that there was something wrong with him.
"Okay, Willow. Just let me get my stuff and I'll met you there." Willow left leaving Spike and Buffy alone.
"Spike I'm sorry about what I said earlier."
"Buffy its okay. You were upset and that was okay. I'm not upset. Here why don't you take my car and go home. Willow's office isn't too far. I want to walk. Take Dawn out to dinner." Spike handed her his car keys and then left. Buffy picked up his stuff and then left to knowing she had done something wrong.
* * * * * ** *
Spike sat on the leather sofa and was wringing his hands. He was extremely nervous at having to talk to a shrink. Even if he knew this shrink. Willow saw that he looked extremely nervous and decided that she would use her icebreaker to start off
. "I think that it would be good to start off with your childhood."
"Oh, I thought that you might say that. Sort of cliché."
"Cliché, but it helps build the trust." Spike couldn't argue with that logic.
"Well it is pretty much like a cry for me story. I moved here when I was seven and things were down hill from there."
"Where did you move from?"
"England. I was born there, but you can't tell unless I lay on the accent. I hide it most of the time.
" "Why don't you speak with it?"
"The ridicule I received from the kids at school for one. Also I hate England. It symbolizes a life that I had and didn't want, then when I didn't have it I wanted it."
"That's very complex."
"Yeah well tell that to my mind."
"So let's start off with your family."
"Just a normal family. My brother is too overprotective, my little sister adores me, my mom is great."
"What about your dad?"
Spike was silent for a few minutes. Willow could see that he didn't like to talk about his dad.
"Well he kinda picks at everything to do with my life. He isn't really a loving and excepting guy. He tried, but gave up a little too quickly."
"So you two don't get along."
"That is kinda the understatement of the year. He hates me."
"I'm sure he doesn't hate you." "Well then he really, really doesn't like me."
"So, when did this disliking occur?" Spike thought. He really couldn't remember a time when his dad hadn't 'disliked' him.
Willow saw the look on his face and knew it well. His father and him never got along. Not even from the beginning. She had only a few patients who had that problem. For most there was a significant event that changed things.
"I guess we never really had much of a relationship. I think he only wanted one boy and one girl. He ended up with two boys and that didn't sit with him well. I never really questioned him about it. Like I said we don't have a relationship."
Willow thought for a minute and then wrote something on her note pad. The way she was sitting there and just analyzing him made him feel a little like a zoo animal in a cage. It took Willow a few minutes before she spoke again. She had to really think about her next question.
"How is your relationship with your mom?" Spike thought that the question came out of nowhere, but answered it.
"Good. It was always pretty good."
"So the only person you don't get along with is your dad?"
"Yeah."
"Relationships are fine with other family members? With your friends?
" "Yeah. I have good relationships with everyone I know."
"What about your love life?" Spike went noticeably pale and coughed a little. She didn't even need him to answer her question.
"Well, they are pretty good. I haven't found the love of my life yet, but I'm still young."
"How many intimate relationships have you had." Spike reddened a little.
"What do you consider 'intimate'?"
"Well, lets separate them into category's. One group would be the long term relationships and one would be the small flings." Spike thought hard about the groups presented to him. He had didn't have that many flings, but he had even less long-term relationships.
"Well, I've had three long term relationships and maybe four flings. I really couldn't tell you for sure."
Willow thought about that for a moment. This guy had three long-term relationships, which wasn't that bad. She just needed to know how they ended.
"Well, for your age three is a good number. Why didn't any of them last?" Spike seemed a little hesitant to say why exactly. Willow waited for him to answer.
"Well, Faith, that was one of the long- term girls, I was young when I dated her and a little messed up. She was a partier and I was trying to get away from that."
"Did you love her?"
"I thought that I did at the time. She was a good friend before we hooked up and well she got me into the whole party thing. I think that was why I dated her. She showed me the way to a. easier way out."
"So, what about girl number two?"
"That was Cecily. We were together in college. Wes, that is my friend, set us up. He thought that she would be a nice girl for his unstable friend."
"So, why didn't that work out?"
"Well, she was nice a little to nice. Kinda hoity-toity. Thought that she was better then me and treated me that way. I really. liked her, but she treated me like shit and I had to get away from that. I told her about my indiscretions and she kinda started the whole 'holier then thou' bullshit."
Willow was almost afraid to ask about the third girl, but she didn't have to.
"The third was Dru. That was the one I thought would last. I. I thought that we were happy, you know. I thought that we were good and that things were fine. What did I know? I picked her because I knew she would treat me like shit. I set myself up."
"Why do you think that?"
"I know that because it was what I always did. I set myself up for a fall instead of trying to get someone who would love me for me. I tried the one who would make things go away and kill me in the process. I tried the one who thought that she was better then me. Then I tried the one that I knew wouldn't find me good enough. It's my pattern. It's easier that way. That way I know what to expect." Willow was surprised. Not most people were willing to admit that they set themselves up for failure. At least Spike was honest.
"Well, if you set yourself up for failure, why do you continue to do it?"
Spike was surprised by that question.
"I don't." He said in a little voice. Willow was reminded of a small child as he spoke. That was what he was. A small lost child that was looking for his way.
"I think that you do it because of your dad. Not because you are trying to find someone to approve, but your trying to find someone to hurt you. Someone that you will think that you love, but then breaks your image. You are looking for that because it's all you know. No matter how many family members and friends try to help you it's not the same. They aren't your dad. They can't be." Spike never thought about it like that. He knew that a lot of the time that he did set himself up for rejection, but he thought that it just fit with his life better and it was like a defense mechanism.
"If that's true then everybody that I love. they don't. I love them and they don't reject me. Never have actually and they say that they never will. So far they have lived up to that. If I'm setting myself up, then why do I have friends and family that will never reject me?"
Willow thought that the answer was quiet simple.
"Because you think that one day they will. Why else would you do those things when you were a teenager? You didn't just do them because your dad was an asshole, who never paid attention. It was partly because of him, but mainly because he let you down time and time again. You thought that everyone was supposed to be that way. When they weren't you tried to make them be that way. The thing was that you surrounded yourself with people that wouldn't leave and that hurt your theory."
"I can see where that would make sense. I'm not questioning your expertise, but it doesn't fit right. I don't know why, but I think that I didn't try to make them fail me." Willow eyed Spike with some suspicion. The guy had it more together then anyone gave him credit for. He had some theory as to why he had these people in his life, but they didn't go away. She wanted to hear this, even though she knew that her theory was right.
"Go on."
"Well, I know that my friends and family would never abandon me like the way my ex's have. I know that Wes would never do something like that, even if he were mad at me. I think that it's more about the person I care the most about. You know the person I trust. And I don't think it started with my dad, as I would like everyone and myself to believe. I think that it started with my grandfather. I cared the most about him and he... left. He left me when I needed him the most. Then my dad did the same thing. It was a pattern like you said, but only for the people I trusted the most." Willow thought that the theory was very well thought up.
"Are you sure that you aren't a psychologist in disguise?"
"Quiet positive. I just was thinking about it. My problem is just so," Spike thought hard about the right word. Willow decided to help him out,
"So, typical?"
"No not typical, just kinda run of the mill. It just feels a little different when you are the one going through it. All those years of projecting and getting nowhere. It was silly really. It didn't make any sense. I just needed to be me I guess."
"That wasn't the only problem though, was it? You tried to. hurt yourself." Spike looked a little shocked. He hadn't expected Buffy to tell Willow that. It wasn't something that you make public.
"Yeah I guess."
"Do you ever feel like doing that? Again?"
"No, well sometimes I feel like having a beer. Or two or seven. It's just something I have to live with. I mean I'm an alcoholic. It's what I was a while ago."
"So no suicidal thought?" "There was one. A little after. after things fell apart and I started to live this life. It was shortly after I lost my job and all that crap. I thought about what it would be like if I wasn't around to mess up people's lives. I thought about just going away for a while. It seemed like a good idea, but at the time I was drunk and I needed picking up. Wes and Angel did that for me. Made me stable me again."
Willow looked at Spike. He was a good guy who was trying to rise above his problem. He had one and there was no denying that. He didn't even deny it. All in all he was a good guy and she knew that Buffy would be lucky to have him. If only she could make the two of them see that.
She knew that Spike had said that he wanted nothing more then friendship, but she could see in his eyes and in his actions that it was different. She knew Buffy. If she hadn't already fallen in love with this guy then there was something seriously wrong with her. Sure he was a bit of a mess, but so was she. They fit perfectly together.
"So, Spike, tell me a little more about your life. It seems to be better then a soap opera." Spike smiled. It was easier to think of his life as a bad daytime soap opera then as his life.
"Well it all started January 19, 1976."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike had just sat down in his comfy chair at his loft. He had gone over to Buffy's, but Dawn had said that she was over at a neighbor's house. He got his keys from her and then left. After talking his mouth of to Willow he had come home to find a very hungry and annoyed Spot. Spike fed his dog and that sat down in front of his TV to have some quality time with the machine. He was watching whatever was on and eating some old Chinese food.
He had been thinking about his therapy session. He had told Willow most of his life story in a matter of sixty minutes. He didn't think that it would be that easy talking to a stranger about his life, but he found it oddly refreshing. It had been easier talking to her because she was a stranger. A stranger that couldn't tell anyone about what was said during the sessions. It was all confidential.
Spike took another bite of his noodles and changed that channel. He had been watching a special on lunchmeat and it was making him loose his appetite. Just then his phone rang.
Spike picked it up and answered it, "Hello." He said this very nonchalantly as he took another bite of his food.
"Spike, it's me Buffy. Dawn told me that you came by to get your car. Sorry that I wasn't there, but a neighbor's son just started taking some new medication and she needed my help. I was just calling to see how your appointment with Willow went."
"Oh it was fine. She asked me questions about my childhood and then there was this weird inkblot test. I said that they all looked like a cat." Buffy laughed at what was obviously a joke.
"That's terrible. A real live inkblot test huh?"
"Yes. It was kinda scary."
"So that was it?"
"Yeah the basics."
"So did you talk to Angel or Cordy at all today?"
Spike was silent for a moment. He hadn't even thought about Angel today.
"No I haven't. Must have slipped my mind. It's probably better anyway. I think that Angel is a little pooped out with everyone crowding him. I should give him and Cordy a chance to talk things out, right?"
"Yeah, you know, they do need to talk about how things are going to work. They also need some space."
"Yeah see they need some time to adjust."
"Well I hate to be a nag about things trial related, but I have to ask. What are our chances of winning this thing?"
"Pretty good considering. I think that we have enough testimony to throw theirs out of the water."
"Good because you know how anal I am about this. I really needed Dawn to stay with me and not have to go with Riley. It's really important."
"I know Buffy. Just calm down and let it flow. Things will be just fine."
Buffy knew that things would be okay, but she needed that reassurance.
"Okay then. Well I have to go because Dawn is nagging about having some ice cream. I don't think she'll stop if I'm talking on the phone."
"Alright I'll let you go. Otherwise she might eat the ice cream without waiting for an answer."
"See you later Spike."
"Bye." Buffy hung up the phone and Spike resumed watching TV. He really enjoyed talking to Buffy and he wondered why she had called. He decided that it wasn't worth thinking about and put it in the back of his head. For the time being at least.
Chapter 10:
Spike woke up to the sound of his alarm clock and his dog licking his face. He pressed the snooze button as he always did and pushed Spot away from him. He set his clock for 18 minutes ahead from when he wanted to get up. It made him think that he was running late. It was something he had picked up from a psychology class he took in college. He was about to fall back to sleep when he heard her sigh.
He felt her arms rapped around his stomach. She was definitely asleep, but she was asleep in his bed. He wondered how that had happened. He remembered last night and how she had told him to go to sleep, but he had thought that she would leave after that. He had not expected her to stay and sleep in the same bed as him.
Spot stood there and looked at Spike. Spike knew that his dog expected him to get up and feed him, but he was wiped out. He also had Buffy to worry about. Spike could feel her breathing against his back. He didn't want to wake her and he could really use a couple more minutes of sleep. Of course if she got up before him and freaked out that would be the end of him. It just felt really nice to be sleeping in her arms. He decided that it would all be worth it somehow and feel back to sleep.
******
Buffy thought she had heard the alarm clock go off, but quickly dismissed it and fell back to sleep. This time she knew that she had heard an alarm clock. She saw Spike automatically turn it off and then fall back to sleep. She decided that she had better wake him up because it was already 6:30. Of course that was still early, but she thought that they position they were in was a little too close.
"Spike." Spike didn't hear her. He was sleeping soundly and didn't want to wake up. Buffy decided that she would have to speak up.
"Spike." He stirred, but didn't wake up. Buffy didn't want to scream, but she didn't see any other choices.
"SPIKE!"
Spike shot up after he heard his name being yelled. Some part of his mind still thought that he was at Angel's house. He jumped up and headed out of the door until he realized that he was at home.
"Huh. I wonder who yelled."
"I did." Spike spun around. He had forgotten that Buffy was there.
"Oh, sorry Buffy I still thought that I was Angel's house. It kinda freaked me out."
"I could see that you were in a hurry to get some place. You bolted up and out like one of those cartoon characters. It was a little confusing at first."
"So what are you still doing here?"
"I had no way of getting home and I figured that I might as well sleep here." Spike was about to say in my bed, but thought better of it. She was obviously not mad or phased by what had just taken place and he figured that it would be better if he just shut up about it.
"So, do you want some breakfast. I'm pretty sure that there is some cereal and stuff."
"A bachelor with milk and cereal. What are the odds?"
"Well like I said, I'm a neat freak and there just isn't anything that I can do about it. I think it might be a mental disease." There was a nervous laugh that came from him and then there was silence. Eerie, awkward silence. It was almost deafening.
"Look Buffy, what I told you about the whole wanting to die thing."
"Yes."
"I need to know that it doesn't go further than this. Everyone just thinks that I screwed up. They would rather blame it on that then anything else. I never told them. I think that Wes knew and that was why he got all upset when I did it. I didn't tell him he just knew."
"I understand. I've never told Willow that I've had some suicidal thoughts. I think that everyone has them once in their life."
"Yeah well I don't want to be a statistic. I know that I was being stupid, but that still doesn't help my state of mind. I still think about it. I wonder if I was happier if I would think about it. Things just don't go right when your name is William David "Spike" Flannery."
Buffy looked at Spike. He truly did hate himself and his life. He wanted nothing more then his dad's approval, but not only that. He wanted something more. Something that no one had given him ever in his life. Buffy couldn't tell what that was, but she knew it was there. She could sense it. Even though he didn't even realize it.
"Spike look I think that you should sit down and talk about these things with a professional."
"Like a shrink?"
"Yeah. Willow is a psychiatrist and she would be willing to pencil you in for a quick appointment. It would be on the house." "You would get her to do it for free?"
"Yeah. She listens to my problems for free. If I paid her she would be a millionaire."
"I don't know Buffy. I don't like to talk to people about my problems."
"Come on. Think of it as talking to a friend. If I'm your friend then Willow would be your friend somewhere down the line."
"Okay, but after the trial. Now I think that we should get ready for our court date."
********
Spike sat in his seat in the courtroom. Oz had already testified and he hadn't lost his cool. Dru had drilled him with tons of questions to assassinate his character and he had stayed clam. It was an Oscar worthy performance. Spike could see it when he wanted to blow, but remained unemotional. Amy had testified and it seemed that Dru and Riley were thrown off by it. Amy had testified perfectly and things had gone smoothly from then on. Harmony's testimony was like icing on the cake. She was great at re-hashing the events and getting the medical bills everything seemed to be going his way until.
"Counselor. You have turned in your list of witnesses and Miss Collins you have decided to a rebuttal witness."
"Your honor I never received notice about a rebuttal." Spike said. He seemed shocked.
"Oh well then here is the name of the witness." He passed a paper to the bailiff and the bailiff passed the paper to Spike. He could hear everyone's breath in the courtroom. He could hear Willow whispering to Oz and Oz explaining to everyone what was happening.
Spike was almost fearful to look at the paper. He didn't want to know what named it had on it. Although he had a pretty good idea who it was. His fears were confirmed when he saw that the piece of paper said Joyce Schafer. Spike looked at the judge and said as formally as he could.
"I would like to know the relevance of that witnesses testimony." Judge Stevens could see that the young man was trying to avoid saying the witness's name so he played along.
"That witness happens to know Ms. Summers on a personal level and it would be relevant to the case to know someone else's perspective of the relationship that the plaintiff and the defendant had." Spike saw that the logic was airtight.
"Alright your honor I think that I would like to call a recess and wait until tomorrow to finish up my witness testimony."
"Recess granted." With that the day was done and he had to face Buffy's questioning face.
"So I see that you are shocked by the turn of events." Dru said. She was overjoyed to see Spike squirm.
"Answer me one question. What do you hope to accomplish with this little stunt?" "Winning the case."
"Just because this happens doesn't mean you'll win."
"Your witnesses end tomorrow."
"There's always tomorrow." Dru stood there looking at Spike defiantly and then turned her back. She and Riley left
. "Spike what is it?" Buffy wanted to know what the big deal was.
"It seems that your mom is testifying on Riley's behave."
"No, Joyce wouldn't go that low." Willow said. Spike showed the five people the paper and they gasped.
"That bitch. Who the hell does she think she is?"
"Buffy calm down. We still have Andrew and you. I think we might stand a chance."
"Might. Are you kidding? She let you have those free hits earlier. Now she's going for the big guns and you won't be able to do anything about it. You lost." Buffy said. She wasn't angry at Spike, but more at what was happening.
"Look we haven't lost yet. And so what if she gave us those hits earlier. We hit her pretty well. I think that we still have a chance. I have one more trick up my sleeve."
"Okay then. We'll be here tomorrow for more testimony." Oz said.
"Right Mr. Flannery is right. This case still has a chance." Willow said.
"Okay then we are here to support." Amy said.
"I'll try to be here tomorrow Buffy. Count on that." Harmony said. The crowd dispersed and all that was left was Willow, Spike, and Buffy.
"Um, Will I think that we should get going. We will be on the clock in a few more minutes." Willow said. She tried to remain calm, but she didn't like the idea of helping this guy. She didn't know him. That was okay, but she could tell that Buffy liked him and, Willow knew that if he needed help that there was something wrong with him.
"Okay, Willow. Just let me get my stuff and I'll met you there." Willow left leaving Spike and Buffy alone.
"Spike I'm sorry about what I said earlier."
"Buffy its okay. You were upset and that was okay. I'm not upset. Here why don't you take my car and go home. Willow's office isn't too far. I want to walk. Take Dawn out to dinner." Spike handed her his car keys and then left. Buffy picked up his stuff and then left to knowing she had done something wrong.
* * * * * ** *
Spike sat on the leather sofa and was wringing his hands. He was extremely nervous at having to talk to a shrink. Even if he knew this shrink. Willow saw that he looked extremely nervous and decided that she would use her icebreaker to start off
. "I think that it would be good to start off with your childhood."
"Oh, I thought that you might say that. Sort of cliché."
"Cliché, but it helps build the trust." Spike couldn't argue with that logic.
"Well it is pretty much like a cry for me story. I moved here when I was seven and things were down hill from there."
"Where did you move from?"
"England. I was born there, but you can't tell unless I lay on the accent. I hide it most of the time.
" "Why don't you speak with it?"
"The ridicule I received from the kids at school for one. Also I hate England. It symbolizes a life that I had and didn't want, then when I didn't have it I wanted it."
"That's very complex."
"Yeah well tell that to my mind."
"So let's start off with your family."
"Just a normal family. My brother is too overprotective, my little sister adores me, my mom is great."
"What about your dad?"
Spike was silent for a few minutes. Willow could see that he didn't like to talk about his dad.
"Well he kinda picks at everything to do with my life. He isn't really a loving and excepting guy. He tried, but gave up a little too quickly."
"So you two don't get along."
"That is kinda the understatement of the year. He hates me."
"I'm sure he doesn't hate you." "Well then he really, really doesn't like me."
"So, when did this disliking occur?" Spike thought. He really couldn't remember a time when his dad hadn't 'disliked' him.
Willow saw the look on his face and knew it well. His father and him never got along. Not even from the beginning. She had only a few patients who had that problem. For most there was a significant event that changed things.
"I guess we never really had much of a relationship. I think he only wanted one boy and one girl. He ended up with two boys and that didn't sit with him well. I never really questioned him about it. Like I said we don't have a relationship."
Willow thought for a minute and then wrote something on her note pad. The way she was sitting there and just analyzing him made him feel a little like a zoo animal in a cage. It took Willow a few minutes before she spoke again. She had to really think about her next question.
"How is your relationship with your mom?" Spike thought that the question came out of nowhere, but answered it.
"Good. It was always pretty good."
"So the only person you don't get along with is your dad?"
"Yeah."
"Relationships are fine with other family members? With your friends?
" "Yeah. I have good relationships with everyone I know."
"What about your love life?" Spike went noticeably pale and coughed a little. She didn't even need him to answer her question.
"Well, they are pretty good. I haven't found the love of my life yet, but I'm still young."
"How many intimate relationships have you had." Spike reddened a little.
"What do you consider 'intimate'?"
"Well, lets separate them into category's. One group would be the long term relationships and one would be the small flings." Spike thought hard about the groups presented to him. He had didn't have that many flings, but he had even less long-term relationships.
"Well, I've had three long term relationships and maybe four flings. I really couldn't tell you for sure."
Willow thought about that for a moment. This guy had three long-term relationships, which wasn't that bad. She just needed to know how they ended.
"Well, for your age three is a good number. Why didn't any of them last?" Spike seemed a little hesitant to say why exactly. Willow waited for him to answer.
"Well, Faith, that was one of the long- term girls, I was young when I dated her and a little messed up. She was a partier and I was trying to get away from that."
"Did you love her?"
"I thought that I did at the time. She was a good friend before we hooked up and well she got me into the whole party thing. I think that was why I dated her. She showed me the way to a. easier way out."
"So, what about girl number two?"
"That was Cecily. We were together in college. Wes, that is my friend, set us up. He thought that she would be a nice girl for his unstable friend."
"So, why didn't that work out?"
"Well, she was nice a little to nice. Kinda hoity-toity. Thought that she was better then me and treated me that way. I really. liked her, but she treated me like shit and I had to get away from that. I told her about my indiscretions and she kinda started the whole 'holier then thou' bullshit."
Willow was almost afraid to ask about the third girl, but she didn't have to.
"The third was Dru. That was the one I thought would last. I. I thought that we were happy, you know. I thought that we were good and that things were fine. What did I know? I picked her because I knew she would treat me like shit. I set myself up."
"Why do you think that?"
"I know that because it was what I always did. I set myself up for a fall instead of trying to get someone who would love me for me. I tried the one who would make things go away and kill me in the process. I tried the one who thought that she was better then me. Then I tried the one that I knew wouldn't find me good enough. It's my pattern. It's easier that way. That way I know what to expect." Willow was surprised. Not most people were willing to admit that they set themselves up for failure. At least Spike was honest.
"Well, if you set yourself up for failure, why do you continue to do it?"
Spike was surprised by that question.
"I don't." He said in a little voice. Willow was reminded of a small child as he spoke. That was what he was. A small lost child that was looking for his way.
"I think that you do it because of your dad. Not because you are trying to find someone to approve, but your trying to find someone to hurt you. Someone that you will think that you love, but then breaks your image. You are looking for that because it's all you know. No matter how many family members and friends try to help you it's not the same. They aren't your dad. They can't be." Spike never thought about it like that. He knew that a lot of the time that he did set himself up for rejection, but he thought that it just fit with his life better and it was like a defense mechanism.
"If that's true then everybody that I love. they don't. I love them and they don't reject me. Never have actually and they say that they never will. So far they have lived up to that. If I'm setting myself up, then why do I have friends and family that will never reject me?"
Willow thought that the answer was quiet simple.
"Because you think that one day they will. Why else would you do those things when you were a teenager? You didn't just do them because your dad was an asshole, who never paid attention. It was partly because of him, but mainly because he let you down time and time again. You thought that everyone was supposed to be that way. When they weren't you tried to make them be that way. The thing was that you surrounded yourself with people that wouldn't leave and that hurt your theory."
"I can see where that would make sense. I'm not questioning your expertise, but it doesn't fit right. I don't know why, but I think that I didn't try to make them fail me." Willow eyed Spike with some suspicion. The guy had it more together then anyone gave him credit for. He had some theory as to why he had these people in his life, but they didn't go away. She wanted to hear this, even though she knew that her theory was right.
"Go on."
"Well, I know that my friends and family would never abandon me like the way my ex's have. I know that Wes would never do something like that, even if he were mad at me. I think that it's more about the person I care the most about. You know the person I trust. And I don't think it started with my dad, as I would like everyone and myself to believe. I think that it started with my grandfather. I cared the most about him and he... left. He left me when I needed him the most. Then my dad did the same thing. It was a pattern like you said, but only for the people I trusted the most." Willow thought that the theory was very well thought up.
"Are you sure that you aren't a psychologist in disguise?"
"Quiet positive. I just was thinking about it. My problem is just so," Spike thought hard about the right word. Willow decided to help him out,
"So, typical?"
"No not typical, just kinda run of the mill. It just feels a little different when you are the one going through it. All those years of projecting and getting nowhere. It was silly really. It didn't make any sense. I just needed to be me I guess."
"That wasn't the only problem though, was it? You tried to. hurt yourself." Spike looked a little shocked. He hadn't expected Buffy to tell Willow that. It wasn't something that you make public.
"Yeah I guess."
"Do you ever feel like doing that? Again?"
"No, well sometimes I feel like having a beer. Or two or seven. It's just something I have to live with. I mean I'm an alcoholic. It's what I was a while ago."
"So no suicidal thought?" "There was one. A little after. after things fell apart and I started to live this life. It was shortly after I lost my job and all that crap. I thought about what it would be like if I wasn't around to mess up people's lives. I thought about just going away for a while. It seemed like a good idea, but at the time I was drunk and I needed picking up. Wes and Angel did that for me. Made me stable me again."
Willow looked at Spike. He was a good guy who was trying to rise above his problem. He had one and there was no denying that. He didn't even deny it. All in all he was a good guy and she knew that Buffy would be lucky to have him. If only she could make the two of them see that.
She knew that Spike had said that he wanted nothing more then friendship, but she could see in his eyes and in his actions that it was different. She knew Buffy. If she hadn't already fallen in love with this guy then there was something seriously wrong with her. Sure he was a bit of a mess, but so was she. They fit perfectly together.
"So, Spike, tell me a little more about your life. It seems to be better then a soap opera." Spike smiled. It was easier to think of his life as a bad daytime soap opera then as his life.
"Well it all started January 19, 1976."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Spike had just sat down in his comfy chair at his loft. He had gone over to Buffy's, but Dawn had said that she was over at a neighbor's house. He got his keys from her and then left. After talking his mouth of to Willow he had come home to find a very hungry and annoyed Spot. Spike fed his dog and that sat down in front of his TV to have some quality time with the machine. He was watching whatever was on and eating some old Chinese food.
He had been thinking about his therapy session. He had told Willow most of his life story in a matter of sixty minutes. He didn't think that it would be that easy talking to a stranger about his life, but he found it oddly refreshing. It had been easier talking to her because she was a stranger. A stranger that couldn't tell anyone about what was said during the sessions. It was all confidential.
Spike took another bite of his noodles and changed that channel. He had been watching a special on lunchmeat and it was making him loose his appetite. Just then his phone rang.
Spike picked it up and answered it, "Hello." He said this very nonchalantly as he took another bite of his food.
"Spike, it's me Buffy. Dawn told me that you came by to get your car. Sorry that I wasn't there, but a neighbor's son just started taking some new medication and she needed my help. I was just calling to see how your appointment with Willow went."
"Oh it was fine. She asked me questions about my childhood and then there was this weird inkblot test. I said that they all looked like a cat." Buffy laughed at what was obviously a joke.
"That's terrible. A real live inkblot test huh?"
"Yes. It was kinda scary."
"So that was it?"
"Yeah the basics."
"So did you talk to Angel or Cordy at all today?"
Spike was silent for a moment. He hadn't even thought about Angel today.
"No I haven't. Must have slipped my mind. It's probably better anyway. I think that Angel is a little pooped out with everyone crowding him. I should give him and Cordy a chance to talk things out, right?"
"Yeah, you know, they do need to talk about how things are going to work. They also need some space."
"Yeah see they need some time to adjust."
"Well I hate to be a nag about things trial related, but I have to ask. What are our chances of winning this thing?"
"Pretty good considering. I think that we have enough testimony to throw theirs out of the water."
"Good because you know how anal I am about this. I really needed Dawn to stay with me and not have to go with Riley. It's really important."
"I know Buffy. Just calm down and let it flow. Things will be just fine."
Buffy knew that things would be okay, but she needed that reassurance.
"Okay then. Well I have to go because Dawn is nagging about having some ice cream. I don't think she'll stop if I'm talking on the phone."
"Alright I'll let you go. Otherwise she might eat the ice cream without waiting for an answer."
"See you later Spike."
"Bye." Buffy hung up the phone and Spike resumed watching TV. He really enjoyed talking to Buffy and he wondered why she had called. He decided that it wasn't worth thinking about and put it in the back of his head. For the time being at least.