Take Her in Your Arms
Chapter 5
I love who I love who I love
Tonks went through the motions of readying Number 12 Grimmald Place for the night's meeting with a heavy heart. All she wanted to do was throw her arms around Remus and say I love you a thousand times until he believed it, but somehow she didn't think her typical straight forward approach would work.
"Dear Merlin! You're not cooking again are you?" Spoke the panicked voice of Molly Weasley.
Tonks smiled for the first time since Remus left for the Ministry. "No Molly, I'm washing dishes the muggle way."
A look of disgust crossed her face. Molly shooed her away from the brown dishwater, immediately spelling the dishes to wash themselves. "When are you going to let me teach you some housework spells?"
Asked the plump red head, hands on her hips, then tsking, "Oh Tonks, hand me that grocery bag on the table, we've got a lot of work to do."
Tonks silently began unloading the bag and putting up the groceries. In less than a minute Molly spun around and abruptly asked, "Alright, Nymphadora Tonks, what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Tonks replied biting her lip.
Molly cocked an eyebrow. "You hate to cook. Every time I ask you to unload the groceries, you disappear from the room."
Tonks was quiet.
Shaking her head, "Alright dear, enough of this." Molly took the carrots from her hands and placed them on the table. "You know you'll feel better if you talk about it, so come on; out with it.
Leaning against the cabinet, heart forlorn, "Molly, how do you know when you're in love?"
Molly smiled, "Let me put on a spot of tea, and I'll tell you all about it."
An hour later, Tonks had told Molly everything; about the fight over Sirius's death, the drawings in sketchbook, what Tonks had done to Remus this morning and about her assumptions regarding Remus's comments afterwards. "And he said that no one ever had loved him that way and then he apparated to his meeting."
"Where do I start?" Molly shook her head and took a sip of her tea. "First things, kudos about this morning, he needed it."
Tonks blushed and laughed slightly, which must have been the woman's intended effect.
"But I must say my dear; it was very harsh of you to blame Remus for Sirius's death."
"But Molly- "
"No," the older woman shushed her. "You've had your say, now it's time for you to hear mine. No one in this world loved Sirius more than Remus Lupin. Remus, the saint that he is, could never tell Sirius what to do; that man had a mind of his own and he followed it even to his own detriment. I'm not even sure that Dumbledore could have stopped Sirius if he had had the chance."
Somewhere inside, Tonks knew she was right.
"You were angry at Remus for not taking your side, you blamed him for allowing Sirius to go to his death, but he could no more have stopped Sirius than he could have stopped earth from spinning." Then cupping the younger woman's hand in her own, "As much as it hurts, I promise you that it hurts Remus ten times more. Sirius Black was the last of his friends. Remus has outlived them all and not because he is a coward like that rat, Peter Pettigrew, but because he is a brave and powerful wizard as well as a very lucky man."
Molly shook her head again, and charmed pot to pour them another cup, "Damnable luck, I bet he'd say if you'd ask him."
Tonks heart twisted like a wash rag. "Oh Molly," her head falling into her hands, "how could I have been so hard on him, so cruel!"
"Sometimes we're hardest on those we love." Molly rubbed Tonks' back with the calming hand of a mother. "Love and hate; it's thin line, but then again, you love him don't you?"
"I think I've been in love him for a long time. I just didn't realize it until this past week. Can that be possible?"
Molly smiled, "It happens that way sometimes. Love looking you in the face everyday without you knowing it; enjoying someone's company, needing someone's smile, finding comfort in another's presence, but not knowing why. Thank goodness you found that picture and gave yourself a good slap in the face. I'm not sure if a man like Remus would have ever told you how much he loves you."
"Do you really think he loves me?" Tonks asked, still lamenting on her bad behavior.
"Tonks, that man has been in love with you for years. The first time he laid eyes on you, he couldn't stop staring."
"Everyone stares the first time they met me." Tonks replied nonchalantly.
"Not Remus Lupin. You interested him, and I wouldn't say it was purely academic. Tonks, we've all noticed. Even Arthur, who can be thicker than an oak stump when it comes to love, has mentioned the way Lupin fauns on you."
"Really?"
"Lupin puts together the surveillance schedule, haven't you noticed that you're always together?"
"We're mates."
"You tease him relentlessly about his academic books, his shoddy clothes, even about his werewolf and he rolls over and takes it for you. He lets you needle him, because he likes your attention. My goodness, have you ever heard Charlie or Arthur or even the children, for that matter, say 'boo' to him on any of those subjects?"
"Now that you mention it, no; I haven't."
"Tonks, you're all the time finishing his sentences or burning his breakfast or spilling your dinner on his lap and has he ever said an unkind word to you about it?"
Tonks smiled slightly, "No, never."
"Now, what makes you think you're in love with him?"
Nymphadora's heart warmed as she recalled the sound of his voice, "The way he calls me by my first name when I insist he calls me Tonks."
Molly chuckled.
"I love the way he apologizes for making tea the muggle way and how insists that I eat chocolate when I'm feeling down." Then looking deeper, she closed her eyes and pictured him in her mind, "I love that his clothes are worn clothes, his hair is turning gray, his briefcase is held together with string and yet, he never is the most dignified person that I have ever met."
At this moment of Tonks monologue, Molly had to take out a handkerchief and blot her eyes.
"I love him because he's good to the children. He's patient, caring, and fair; that's what makes him a wonderful teacher and a brilliant friend. And also, I love him because he's just a little bad." Tonks grinned mischievously, "His witty little comments about Snape, the tricks he would play on Sirius, the trouble we get into at the pub," then laughing, "and devious, sexy little comments he's whispered in my ears."
"I love him, Molly, because he loves me. And when he looks at me I feel like the most beautiful woman on this earth and in those moments when we're together, I know that regardless of what happens with this war, as long as I'm with Remus, everything will be okay."
Passionately, Molly grabbed Tonks shoulders, her brown eyes pleading with her, "From what you've told me, you do love him. Nymphadora Tonks, don't you dare let him walk away from you tonight. Do you here me?"
Tonks nodded, rallying the warrior within.
Molly sighed and grasped her hands, "He's in love with you because you are beautiful, but you're also a fighter. You're smart and you're strong and you're passionate. You have faith in what's right, you have hope in tomorrow- things that Remus had almost forgotten after the first war. Ideals that you've help him rekindle."
Tears welled in the younger woman's eyes.
"Oh Tonks! When you smile, he smiles; and when you hurt, he hurts. We can all see it. This isn't about sex. That's not what he really wants from you, it's you- your heart. He's fallen in love with your heart and he'll never be satisfied with anything less."
"Do you really think so Molly?" She so wanted to believe.
"I know this. He loved Lily Evans relentlessly and in the end, it tore apart his friendship with James. And he never loved her a sliver, so much as he loves you, and I know this," she sighed, closing her eyes, and patting Tonks's hands, "I know this because in strictest confidence, only two months before, in this very same kitchen, he told me so."
"No!!! He told you that he loves me?"
"Yes," Molly stood abruptly, "And that's all I'm going to say on the subject." Charming the carrots to peel themselves, "Heaven knows, I've already said too much."
"But Molly, what do I do?"
"Tell him you love him," the older woman replied filling a caldron with water.
"But he doesn't think he's worthy of being loved."
Lightening a fire, she turned back to the young woman, "Then show him that he is."
It was nearly five o'clock when a weary Remus Lupin arrived back at Number 12 Grimmald Place.
"Finally, you're home!" Tonks said, tripping into the foyer.
Remus's tired face lit up with a smile when he saw her; violet hair and ripped jeans. "I'm home." Then pulling Tonks towards him, he wrapped his arms around her and she returned his affection with a swift kiss.
Still holding her, "I'm sorry that I was cross with you this morning."
"You had a right to be upset; me bringing up old loves after what had just happened between us."
Remus squeezed her tightly to his chest, "Am I forgiven, then?"
"Of course and I, too, have something I need to apologize for. Come here," then pulling him into a small parlor off of the front hall, they sat together on a delicate love seat, where Tonks took his hand in hers, voice unsteady, "I want to apologize to you for my behavior regarding Sirius death. I know you couldn't have stopped him from going to the Ministry. But I guess, I was angry and it was easier for me to blame you than to blame Sirius." She sighed, her shoulders slumping, "Anyway, it was wrong. I'm sorry we grew apart because of it."
Finally, her dark twinkling eyes, looked into his, "Can you forgive me?"
A few seconds of silence and eventually, "Yes, I can forgive you." He looked away for moment, as if lost in contemplation, and Tonks patiently waited for him to continue, stroking his long fingers.
"I loved Sirius like a brother." It was the first time Remus had ever spoken about her cousin's death. "He was the first friend I ever had at Hogwart's."
Tonks heart was breaking yet again and she longed to cry out I love you! and make his heart ache better, but she was patiently waiting for the right moment. Right now, Remus needed to make his confession.
"And yet, the truth is, Nymphadora, I was always a bit jealous of him and James. They were from wealthy families, they had beautiful girlfriends, but most of all, they were carefree, normal boys; something I knew I could never be. And in spite of everything, I'm the last one left. I can't help thinking, why me?"
"Fate, luck," Tonks quietly answered, understanding human loss from her few short years as an auror. "Some might say your destiny hasn't been filled."
Remus now appeared very young, and Tonks felt very old, "And what is my destiny, what is there for an old werewolf?"
Tonks smiled, because she knew exactly what there was. "Remus, there's all the things you fight for everyday; a world safe from evil, a world were there's justice and equality for all, a world safe for children to dream and for old werewolves to hope." Pausing here, she smiled, and looked deep into his eyes, "And there's always love, everyone's destiny has love."
"Hmpff, Sirius's didn't." Lupin responded bitterly, shoulder slumping in deep sadness.
"That's not true! He had Harry!" Tonks replied, enthusiastically, "Sirius didn't care about a woman's love. He was always in- love with a dozen women and they with him."
Lupin chuckled at this comment, knowing Tonks was right.
"No, what really made Sirius happy was the day that he became reunited with Harry and claimed his right as his Godfather. That was his destiny. And it was James and Lily's to have a son who was blessed enough with their love that he might actually have a chance at defeating the darkest wizard in a thousand years."
Remus nodded knowingly, "Yes, their son, Lily's son."
"She wasn't your destiny."
Remus was quiet for a full minute and finally, "No, she was James'." Then he gave Tonks the sweetest lopsided grin that she'd ever seen. "You know, that's the first time I've ever admitted that aloud."
Tonks returned his smile, her grip on his hands steadfast. "First loves are hard to get over."
Chuckling softly, his voice pleasant, "And what about you Nymphadora. Have you ever been in love?"
"Just once."
Remus relaxed against the sofa, his eyes twinkling with a newfound curiosity. "Well, go ahead. Tell me what he was like."
"Actually, I'm still not over mine." Tonks grinned, knowing this was her chance. "We were together for two years, and although he always had his best mate around, something special developed just between the two of us. But, I guess you're more interested in hearing his attributes, right?"
Remus just sighed.
"He was extremely handsome, although, he didn't think he was. Tall, stately, withpale blue eyes; his clothes were neat and classic; although, some might have said they made him look older than his years."
Remus's brow knotted.
"But beyond looks, which I must say lead to countless fantasies, I loved him; I loved his heart. He was kind and patient, never a harsh word to me no matter what I did to him; and brave and strong, a leader amongst his peers. I really looked up to him for that; the way others respected him. He had this beautiful quiet dignity about him."
"Really?" Remus asked, face very still as if he was still connecting two and two.
"And the very odd thing about our relationship was that he thought I could never love him, that I could never see beyond this horrible secret that made him different from other men; a secret he thought made women unable to love him."
"Nymphadora-" Remus's breathing was rushed, but Tonks ignored him and continued.
"And here I was thinking the same thing about myself. Who could ever love a freaky, shape- shifting metamorphangius? Besides that, who could ever love a little, mousey- brown haired girl with freckles and a silly name Nymphadora? But he did. When he says my name, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world."
Reaching forward, Remus stroked her hair, knowing now he, himself, was this man that Tonks was so tenderly describing. Her hands left his fingers, and gently stroked his face, "And that's why I love him, because he is able to love me."
"I do love you, Nymphadora," Tears hung in Lupin's eyes, his voice trembled with emotion, "but you don't have to love me back."
"Remus Lupin; I love who I love who I love." Then looking so deep into his eyes that she swore she could see the glow of his soul, she said firmly, "I love you."
His firm resolve suddenly shattered as his heart accepted her love, and his body broke with sobs; hot tears that he had been holding back for a lifetime rushed forth. That night, Nymphadora Tonks held Remus Lupin in her arms for a long time, until the tears were cried, the self doubt was vanquished and the littlest, tiniest spark of hope was rekindled in an old werewolf's soul.