Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. They belong to an evil genius named
Joss. Although I don't know if he's evil or not.
Distribution: Go ahead. Ask first
Spoilers: None
A/N: Okay here you go. It's another chappy. YAY! Thanks to all the reviewers. You guys are the best. I mean really the best. Okay so we're going down a slope here and it's not going into happy land like everyone wants it to, but how can you really appreciate happy without a little angst. On with the story. SweetBitter, sorry there isn't any Andrew in this chappy. He's coming back soon enough. Imzadi, I'm not sure if Lindsey will make an appearance or not. I don't know too much about him so maybe not. I was thinking a little thing at the end, can't tell you exactly what that will entail without giving away the story, he might come in. he won't have a huge part though seeing as I wasn't an Angel watcher at the time he was on the Angel series. On with the story.
Chapter 17:
Mondays. How crappy were Mondays. Spike had lost count of just how crappy Mondays could be. It was the start of yet another workweek. Work. How crappy was work. Spike remembered a time when he loved coming into work even on a Monday.
Sure those days had ended in a blaze, but the feeling still lingered every time he opened the door to his new office with the fake wood desk and the poorly looking swivel chair. Yeah, before it had been real mahogany wood and a big comfy black leather chair high enough so that if it was turned around and Spike was sitting in it you wouldn't see him.
It wasn't just about material things. Sure it was a big part of what he missed at a huge corporate law firm, but he could do without the ocean view. It was that certain passion that inflamed him when he walked in the courtroom to keep someone from going to jail for a long time.
Criminal cases were a life or death situation and the thrill that he got from keeping someone from going to jail for the rest of their life was intoxicating. Hell, he'd even take putting the criminals away. He still had that same feel. Now, it was gone and when he walked into this office all he got was a stale feel. He wasn't even that old.
That and a few other things were what made him find himself in front of Xander's office.
"You can go in you know. He's probably just slaving away in front of that computer filing paper work. I swear that man is only twenty-seven but he seems like he's forty. He'll be happy to get away from it for a little while." Xander's secretary said.
Spike had never bothered to learn her name. It was Eve or Gwen or something like that.
"Yeah thanks." Spike said.
"Anytime counselor." The secretary said going back to the phones.
Spike took a deep breath and opened the door. Xander's was in fact sitting in front of his computer running his fingers through his long brown hair. He did look forty.
"You look like shit." Spike said. Xander looked up and gave Spike a small smile.
"Now I know where Anya gets it. You don't look all that great yourself." Xander said.
"I'm older." Spike said.
"Have a seat." Xander said. Spike sat down in one of the seats.
"What can I do for you?" Xander asked.
"I'm giving my two weeks notice." Spike said.
"Really found another job that quickly. It's only been, what a month." Xander said.
"Yeah something like that. And I sort of found a job. Giles offered to make me partner of the new law firm he's opening." Spike said.
"Now I see why you wanted me to offer you a promotion. Well I can't say it's not a good trade in. Although isn't Giles's new firm in San Francisco." Xander said.
"That's right." Spike said.
Xander looked at him curiously.
"That means you'd have to move to San Francisco." Xander said.
"Yeah that's right." Spike said.
"Does the family know about this." Xander asked.
"No, but who cares. Look I have to start my own life here. They didn't expect me to live in Sunnydale my whole life did they? This is a big step in the right direction you know." Spike said.
"What about Angel." Xander said.
"I'll come down every weekend." Spike said.
"Right because as a criminal lawyer you have lots of free time." Xander said sarcastically.
"You know it's not always about them. This time, this one time I'd like it to be about me. What has Sunnydale got to offer me anymore? It's been nothing but hell ever since I came to Sunnydale. I can't stay here anymore." Spike said.
"Okay I get that, but maybe you should rethink going so soon. Maybe wait a couple of weeks or months before leaving. I'm sure Giles will still offer you the job when you're ready for it." Xander said.
"No, I just can't do it anymore. So I quit. I'm finishing off this case and that's it. I'm leaving." Spike said.
"It's your choice man." Xander said.
"Yeah it's my choice." Spike said.
He and Xander sat in silence for a few minutes before Xander spoke.
"You wanna know why I became a lawyer?" Spike looked at him for a few minutes before nodding his head.
"Well I wanted to do something with my life that was worth while. I wasn't sure what that was at the time. I thought that maybe I'd become a doctor. Then one day when I was about six I came home to find my dad hitting my mother. You know I was too young to remember it ever happening before, but that was the first time that I'd seen it and the first time he hit me. My mom never left him and he just kept on hitting her and me until I got old enough to defend myself and then I just left. I went to college and tried to find something that I would be good at due to my experiences. I found family law." Xander said.
Spike looked at him guiltily.
"It's not your fault that you didn't know about my past. Anya barely knows that much. Just enough for her to realize why I choose this type of law." Xander said.
"Yeah well I guess I was a little screwed up to even really care." Spike said.
"Yeah well we aren't so different I guess. Father issues and all that. I just wanted to help the mothers that wanted to get away. So I get why you want to get back in the game. I remember you as an A.D.A and you were good at what you did. You have a passion for criminal law." Xander said.
"So it doesn't seem like I'm running away?" Spike asked.
"A little, but I think everyone needs to run away for a little bit. Helps them become the person that they turn out to be." Xander said.
Spike thought about that and then nodded.
"So I guess this is my official notice." Spike said.
"Yeah now go back to work." Xander said jokingly.
Spike got up and walked over to the door.
"So did you mom ever leave your dad?" Spike asked.
Xander stiffened noticeably and then answered.
"No they're still together. They live in Nevada. I haven't seen them since I went off to college." Xander said.
"Maybe you're better off." Spike said.
"Probably. I mean look at you. Your father never hit you and you still ended up screwed up." Xander said.
"Probably more so then you." Spike said.
"Probably. But then again every once in awhile you can be normal. You know just laid back and yourself. Keep that up."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Come in." Willow called when she heard a knock on the door of her office. It was almost noon and that meant that Spike would be showing up any minute.
"Hey, Willow." Spike said as he stepped into her office.
"Hey Spike I was expecting you."
"Well I'm here." Spike said.
"So what's on your mind for this session." Willow said.
"Um, well, I guess the fact that I'm leaving." Spike said.
"What?" Willow said.
"I decided to take the job offer from Giles. I called him and he said that the job was still mine if I wanted it. I gave my two weeks notice to Xander and I'll be leaving Sunnydale in Saturday to check out apartments." Spike said.
"So you're just packing up and leaving?" Willow asked trying to sound as professional as possible.
"Yeah I realized that Sunnydale has nothing more to offer me. I've been living here for what feels like my whole life and nothing's getting any better. I really think that a change of venue will help. What about you? It doesn't seem like I'm running away from my problems does it?" Spike said.
"Do you want that from a professional position or a friend one?" Willow asked.
"Both I guess. Not really looking to tell all of my friends yet. They'd talk me out of so the professional one would be best, but you know put your friendly advice in there as well." Spike said.
"Well as a friend I would tell you what the hell are you thinking you can't leave Sunnydale. That's where your life is." Willow said.
"And as a professional." Spike said.
"As a professional I think you should really think about taking some time off. Get away from all the craziness. You seem to be living you r life for others rather then yourself and that isn't very healthy. You need to be living your life for you and not to please others." Willow said.
"Good so I'm doing a good thing here." Spike said.
"Professionally yes, but I have to ask what sparked this sudden change. Saturday night you were saying that you would probably not do this now you're doing it. Was there something really significant that happened between that time?" Willow asked.
"No not really." Spike said a little too quickly.
"Nothing huge it's just. . . I walked into my office today and I realized that that isn't the life I want. I used to walk into my office, not the one at the law firm I'm working at, and feel a surge of energy. Like it felt right. I don't get that feeling here." Spike said.
"So you think that if you go to San Francisco you'll find what you're looking for?" Willow asked.
"No, not exactly what I'm looking for. You know my dream is to open my own law firm. I just think that this type of law is making me older." Spike said.
"Older? How so?" Willow asked.
"Well not to be mean or ungrateful to Xander, but I don't understand how he can do this. Family law is all about paperwork and numbers. It almost feels like I'm an accountant. I just don't get it." Spike said.
"You seem to be doing a good job at it." Willow said.
"I do law well. I mean any kind of law, but criminal law is my passion. It always was been. I'm not qualified to do family law. I mean it's all law, but it's not something I take pride in." Spike said.
"So you don't love it like you loved criminal law?" Willow asked.
"Yeah, the feeling of loving to get up in the morning to go to work is lost on me." Spike said.
"And there's nothing else." Willow asked.
Spike looked at her to see if she knew anything. No, she didn't. She was just going on the therapist instinct. Spike stood up from his chair and started pacing around the room.
"You know I hate to leave my family like this. I mean they don't exactly need me, but Angel's sick and it would be nice of me to stick around. It's just. . . you ever get the feeling that you're older then you really are." Spike said looking over at Willow.
"All the time especially when I spend a lot of time working." Willow answered.
"Yeah well lately I've been feeling that way more often. I don't know. It's this feeling that I can't shake off. I keep thinking I'm making the wrong decisions. Making the wrong moves and every time I do there's someone there to rub it in my face. Always someone to make me feel worse." Spike said.
"So you feel like you're making the wrong decisions with your life. Like every step that you take is another mistake that someone's going to call you on." Willow said.
"It goes a little deeper then that. I used to feel that I had to atone for being so wild back when I was younger and maybe I overdid it a bit. I'm there for everyone out of what sometimes feels like guilt. Like I'm trying to make up for being so reckless in my younger age. I never really found the person I was supposed to be and now, at twenty-eight, I'm more confused then ever. I tried to conform into someone that people would approve of, but now that I think about it I didn't change into someone I would approve of." Spike said.
"Ah, I know what you mean. It's the 'Everyone loves Raymond' complex." Willow said.
Spike gave her a questioning look.
"I'm sure there's a technical name for it, but I usual give that name to everyone. It's so much easier to say then what ever medical do-hickeys they have for it." Willow said.
"Seriously, are you really a psychiatrist." Spike asked.
"Yeah, just a more down to earth one." Willow said.
"All right so tell me about this TV complex I have going on." Spike said.
"You want everyone to approve and like you. It's fairly simple. You're someone who does things to please others. Then you get lost when someone doesn't approve." Willow said.
"Is that your official diagnosis?" Spike asked.
"Well no. See you can't really diagnosis someone if they're keeping secrets from you. What triggered this self-reflection?" Willow asked.
Spike looked at her as seriously as he could.
"Nothing I just sort of realized it." Spike said.
"Oh puh-lease. You couldn't have just realized it without a little help." Willow asked.
"I swear I just realized it on my own. I'm smart like that." Spike said.
"People who have this complex can't just realize it on their own. People don't like them so they conform. They don't look back on their lives." Willow said.
"Well I've always been a bit different." Spike said.
"No one's that different to break through the purposes of medical science." Willow said.
"Your point?" Spike said.
"What happened yesterday that triggered this little self-reflection." Willow asked.
Spike thought back to yesterday. Nothing much had happened. He left Buffy's house, okay that was different, but it turned out to be just a one-night stand. Well at least that's what they both had decided. He coached Dawn and then he went out with Xander to eat.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Flashback
"So why'd you ask me to this lunch-almost-dinner." Spike asked as he lightly placed his napkin on his lap.
"No reason, but as a peace offering. I figure I might as well eat sooner or later. With all the paperwork I have I don't think I'll be getting home anytime soon." Xander said not looking up from his menu. They had stopped at a local burger joint called Paul's Place.
"Yeah I guess so. Do you always work so late?" Spike asked taking a quick glance at the menu before deciding what he was going to eat.
"Yeah, Ahn hates it. She's always talking about if I work so late how are we ever going to have kids. Ever since Angel got sick and she met that Buffy that you seem so fond of she wants to have kids." Xander said.
"That such a bad thing. You guys should have kids while you're still young." Spike said.
"Listen to you. You sound like Grandfather Time. I'm twenty-seven and she's twenty-six. We're still reasonably young. I just don't think that this is the best time in our careers to be having kids. I don't come home until late in the night and she doesn't come home all that early either." Xander said.
"Well if you ask me your career is sound and so is hers. Most parents don't spend loads of time with their kids anyway." Spike said.
"Yeah, but I want to be the very best father I can be." Xander said.
"Well there aren't any guarantees you know. You just have to jump right in and hope that you're making the right decision." Spike said.
"So I'm just supposed to dive right in without a care in the world? Doesn't seem very. . . logical." Xander said.
"Parenthood isn't supposed to be logical." Spike said.
"Well it will be the way I do things." Xander said.
"Don't you hate feeling like Mister Logical all the time." Spike said.
"Oh and you're one to talk." Xander said.
"What's that supposed to mean." Spike asked with a frown on his face.
"I'm not the most logical person sitting at this table." Xander said.
"I'm not that logical."
"Oh please. More so then me. I remember a time when you were out there and wacky. You used to go with the flow of things, but lately not so much." Xander said.
"I got older." Spike said defensively.
Xander let out a sigh. "You're only a year older then I am. Please don't try to tell me that you got older and matured."
"Is that so hard to believe."
"Well yeah. Spike you've never been immature I'll give you that, but you've never been Mister Conservative. Look at you with your stylish two- tone hair set for the corporate world and your fancy suits. Laid back my ass." Xander said.
"I'm just trying to act my age." Spike said.
"And yet here you are telling me to not act mine. To just go for it and have kids. Why?" Xander said.
"'Cause I'd like some more nieces and nephews." Spike said.
"You know that's not what I mean."
"What do you mean then, Xan?" Spike asked.
"I mean why the sudden change. It was brought on like a fast hurricane and all that was left was this new Spike. Corporate was never you."
"Sure it was. I did it for a whole year."
"No Spike it wasn't you. Being a lawyer that's you no denying that. When I met you, you were Mister Big-Shot A.D.A. you were so smug and too damn confident for your own good. I remember you never lost a case. Then one day you make the switch to corporate out of nowhere. I mean if it wasn't bad enough that you had that hotshot girlfriend, but to turn corporate. I always knew that job wasn't you, but we weren't friends at the time so I kept my mouth shut, but I knew. There was something wrong with that picture."
"I was trying to advance my career. You know that thing that's keeping you from having kids. Do you even want kids."
"Nice changing of the subject. Yes I want kids. Of course I want kids. Who doesn't want kids? Everyone wants a family and kids and the American dream." Xander said.
"Well then don't let anything get in the way of that." Spike said.
"I don't plan to. I'll have kids when I'm ready. Just like you'll act like the real you when you're ready." Xander said.
"I act like the real me. This is the real me. After years of searching I finally found him."
"Well you better search some more because this Spike that sits in front of me is totally different from the one that's supposed to be here."
End Flashback
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Well okay maybe after having lunch with Xander I realized that I don't exactly act like the real me." Spike said.
"So Xander is what triggered it." Willow said.
"Yeah that's all that triggered it."
"Somehow I think that you're using this whole thing as a cover from the real reason you want to leave. So tell me. What's the really reason?"
Spike sighed and sat down in one of the chairs.
"It's not one specific reason. There are many reasons why I want to leave." Spike said.
"What's the biggest one?" Willow said.
"Okay now you're badgering more like a friend then like a professional." Spike said.
"Well I can't help it if it comes out that way. In the short time that I've known you I've come to think of you as somewhat of a friend." Willow said.
"Is that because I'm friends with Buffy or because you like me as a person." Spike asked.
"Okay now who's psychoanalyzing whom?"
"If you were to meet me on your own would you consider me a good guy?"
"I don't know. I wasn't put in that situation."
"So the only reason you like me as a person is because of your friend."
"No, I like you as a person because I got to know you. I'll admit that I gave you a chance because Buffy said you were a good person, but I did get to know you on a deeper level. Kind of your therapist."
"Yeah well I want to go somewhere where people don't give me a chance because I'm the friend of a friend. There's no room for growth in a small town like Sunnydale. Shoot almost everyone knows my name."
"So you're anti-cheers."
"Again with the TV references. Yeah I guess you can say that."
Willow looked down at her pad of paper. Usually she would jot down notes and things like that, but she hadn't felt the need to with Spike. It didn't hold any answers.
"Look I just think that the main reason you want to do this is to run away." Willow finally said after a few minutes of silence.
"Yeah I guess I do want to run away."
"From what or should I say who?" Spike studied the redhead's features.
Where was a good answer when you needed one?
"I guess everything. My life's kind of gotten old hat. I want to go some place and start new. Not be Spike. I want to find out who the hell William Flannery is. Is he someone I even like to be around? And I know how skitzo that sounded, but maybe it's true. Maybe I don't like me." Spike said.
"And what if you find out that who you are right now is who you're supposed to be. Do you like you right now." Willow asked.
"Yeah I guess. Me right now is a cool guy, but there has to be more that I'm not tapping into. Something I'm missing that isn't exactly making me whole. Whatever it is I need to find it before I go off and have a full life."
"So by moving to San Francisco you think you'll accomplish that?"
"Aren't you supposed to be answering my questions. You know saying helpful quotes and phrases. Aren't you supposed to give your opinion." Spike asked.
"Sure, but I need to know if this is what you really want."
"It is. I've spent the better part of an hour saying that."
"Okay then here's my opinion. Something happened to you and not your lunch with Xander. It was something that made you insecure. Now lunch with Xander may have enforced that insecurity, but something happened before that. I need to know what that was before I can help you." Willow said studying Spike intensely.
He fidgeted in his seat and didn't look directly at her. He seemed to be battling with himself about telling her the truth or not. Then, a few minutes later, he looked up at her with slight determination on his face.
"IsleptwithBuffySaturdaynight." He said quickly.
"You what?" Willow said not sure if she heard right.
Spike took a deep sigh and looked at her. "I said I slept with Buffy Saturday night." Spike said.
"Oh well that's great." Off Spike's look she added.
"That's not great. Why is that not great? You two looked all good together. Why isn't that great?" Willow asked.
"See it's like this, Red. I had one of the best nights of my life and she wakes me up in the morning telling me to get the heck out and that it was a meaningless one-night stand. Said she hadn't had it in a long time and basically told me that it meant nothing. So you see why the hell I'm anxious to get out of that town." Spike said.
Willow's lips formed the perfect 'oh' shape, but no noise came out.
"Well I guess I see the reason now." She said mentally remembering to kick Buffy when she saw her next.
"Do I have a 'kick me' sign on my back? Does it also say use me up really good and then just dump me 'cause hell it doesn't matter? His life is shit anyway. Honestly I'm asking you. I can't really see my back." Spike said.
"Not that I've seen."
"I go after the wrong girl. I mean every time. Every bloody time it's always the wrong girl. I'm like a magnet for the wrong girl. Always. I mean every relationship I've ever had has ended with me having that kicked puppy dog look on my face. I honestly think it's me."
"It's not you."
"How can it be them? How can at least four women be just total bitches? It can't be them. I see a pattern don't you. I go after the ones that'll hurt me."
"Spike it may feel like that, but that's not true. You don't go after the ones that hurt you. It just feels that way."
"Really then why am I always the one that ends up feeling the burn. You know I wasn't going to move because I actually thought that she might want to be with me. I was going to give up a great job because some chit might want to be with me. How stupid am I."
"You're not stupid. You just want love like everyone else."
"You know I'm sorry to have to put you in this position. I know you can't bad mouth your friend." Spike said.
"Are you kidding? I would badmouth her if I could, but the best friend code has rules against that. I was the one sitting in the sidelines rooting you guys on. She's so dumb some times." Willow said.
"It's not her fault. Maybe I rushed things. I don't know. All I know is that I need to get out of Sunnydale. I need to start anew. I need to find a place that's going to want me for me. Maybe San Francisco isn't that town, but it can be. It's whatever I make it right?"
Willow looked at Spike. He seemed really determined on starting anew. She knew there wasn't anyway to talk him out of his decision. The only way to do that would be to show him that Buffy really did want him and she was just scared, but she couldn't do that. She couldn't force Buffy to admit something that she didn't want to admit.
"Yeah it's a new oyster."
"Oyster?"
"Yeah you know that saying the world is your oyster."
"Oh yeah I get it. Now the really hard part is yet to come. I have to convince my friends and family that this is a good decision without letting them know about Buffy. They'd just push it more and tell me to go after her."
"And you couldn't be persuaded to go after her?" Willow asked hopefully.
"See there's the overly obnoxious friend stepping in. I wondered how long that was going to take to happen again. No I don't think I could be persuaded." Spike said.
"Why not." Willow asked with a frown.
"There was a time when I wouldn't have stopped pursuing her." Spike said.
"And now."
"Now I think that I'm getting to old to go after girls. Love shouldn't be that hard. I'm ready to give up on it fully. Just give me time." Spike said.
"Wow welcome the old spinster."
"I try. So what's new with you."
"Isn't this about you?"
"Yeah well there's like five minutes left so I thought I'd ask one of my friends what's new in their life."
"Well Buffy would kill me for telling you this before her, but well here it goes, I'm pregnant." Willow said gleefully.
"Really that's great. Does Oz know?"
"Yes I told him yesterday night. We went out to dinner and everything."
"So how far along are you?"
"About a month or so. I'm so excited."
"Yeah well kids are great. You'll make a great mother. Just don't psychoanalyze him or her to much."
"I'll try, but as a psychiatrist I have the ability to do that without even trying." Willow and Spike shared a smile and a laugh before Willow was beeped on the intercom.
"Mrs. Osbourne your one o'clock is here." The voice said.
"Okay send him in as soon as Mr. Flannery leaves this office." Willow said into the intercom.
"Alright, ma'am." The voice said.
"Jeez, why does she have to call me ma'am. I'm to young to be a ma'am."
"Yeah well I'm too young to be a Sir, but I'm called it all the time. I should be going." Spike said standing up and picking up his jacket.
"Yeah okay. I'll see you before you leave right?"
"You can count on it." Spike said walking over to the door.
"Oh and Spike." Willow called. Spike turned around to face her.
"I do think that you should pursue her."
"Really this speaking like a professional or as a friend."
"A little bit of both actually. And no matter if you don't like this William Flannery, there are people out there that do. Me being one of them. Don't give up hope in love or Buffy."
Spike closed his eyes and smiled. It was a small smile, but very noticeable. Not a smirk or a grin, but a smile. Willow wondered if she had ever seen him smile in the time that she knew him.
"Probably couldn't even if I wanted too. Me and love, well let's just say we get along just fine. It's other people that are my problem. You take care now, ma'am." Spike said bowing his head and walking out of the office.
A/N: Okay so you know what to do-ou. Let's all just review-ou. Let's review if you want another chapter. I've started working on it and let me tell you, it's going to be a dozy and probably a very long one. So review if you want to see it.
Distribution: Go ahead. Ask first
Spoilers: None
A/N: Okay here you go. It's another chappy. YAY! Thanks to all the reviewers. You guys are the best. I mean really the best. Okay so we're going down a slope here and it's not going into happy land like everyone wants it to, but how can you really appreciate happy without a little angst. On with the story. SweetBitter, sorry there isn't any Andrew in this chappy. He's coming back soon enough. Imzadi, I'm not sure if Lindsey will make an appearance or not. I don't know too much about him so maybe not. I was thinking a little thing at the end, can't tell you exactly what that will entail without giving away the story, he might come in. he won't have a huge part though seeing as I wasn't an Angel watcher at the time he was on the Angel series. On with the story.
Chapter 17:
Mondays. How crappy were Mondays. Spike had lost count of just how crappy Mondays could be. It was the start of yet another workweek. Work. How crappy was work. Spike remembered a time when he loved coming into work even on a Monday.
Sure those days had ended in a blaze, but the feeling still lingered every time he opened the door to his new office with the fake wood desk and the poorly looking swivel chair. Yeah, before it had been real mahogany wood and a big comfy black leather chair high enough so that if it was turned around and Spike was sitting in it you wouldn't see him.
It wasn't just about material things. Sure it was a big part of what he missed at a huge corporate law firm, but he could do without the ocean view. It was that certain passion that inflamed him when he walked in the courtroom to keep someone from going to jail for a long time.
Criminal cases were a life or death situation and the thrill that he got from keeping someone from going to jail for the rest of their life was intoxicating. Hell, he'd even take putting the criminals away. He still had that same feel. Now, it was gone and when he walked into this office all he got was a stale feel. He wasn't even that old.
That and a few other things were what made him find himself in front of Xander's office.
"You can go in you know. He's probably just slaving away in front of that computer filing paper work. I swear that man is only twenty-seven but he seems like he's forty. He'll be happy to get away from it for a little while." Xander's secretary said.
Spike had never bothered to learn her name. It was Eve or Gwen or something like that.
"Yeah thanks." Spike said.
"Anytime counselor." The secretary said going back to the phones.
Spike took a deep breath and opened the door. Xander's was in fact sitting in front of his computer running his fingers through his long brown hair. He did look forty.
"You look like shit." Spike said. Xander looked up and gave Spike a small smile.
"Now I know where Anya gets it. You don't look all that great yourself." Xander said.
"I'm older." Spike said.
"Have a seat." Xander said. Spike sat down in one of the seats.
"What can I do for you?" Xander asked.
"I'm giving my two weeks notice." Spike said.
"Really found another job that quickly. It's only been, what a month." Xander said.
"Yeah something like that. And I sort of found a job. Giles offered to make me partner of the new law firm he's opening." Spike said.
"Now I see why you wanted me to offer you a promotion. Well I can't say it's not a good trade in. Although isn't Giles's new firm in San Francisco." Xander said.
"That's right." Spike said.
Xander looked at him curiously.
"That means you'd have to move to San Francisco." Xander said.
"Yeah that's right." Spike said.
"Does the family know about this." Xander asked.
"No, but who cares. Look I have to start my own life here. They didn't expect me to live in Sunnydale my whole life did they? This is a big step in the right direction you know." Spike said.
"What about Angel." Xander said.
"I'll come down every weekend." Spike said.
"Right because as a criminal lawyer you have lots of free time." Xander said sarcastically.
"You know it's not always about them. This time, this one time I'd like it to be about me. What has Sunnydale got to offer me anymore? It's been nothing but hell ever since I came to Sunnydale. I can't stay here anymore." Spike said.
"Okay I get that, but maybe you should rethink going so soon. Maybe wait a couple of weeks or months before leaving. I'm sure Giles will still offer you the job when you're ready for it." Xander said.
"No, I just can't do it anymore. So I quit. I'm finishing off this case and that's it. I'm leaving." Spike said.
"It's your choice man." Xander said.
"Yeah it's my choice." Spike said.
He and Xander sat in silence for a few minutes before Xander spoke.
"You wanna know why I became a lawyer?" Spike looked at him for a few minutes before nodding his head.
"Well I wanted to do something with my life that was worth while. I wasn't sure what that was at the time. I thought that maybe I'd become a doctor. Then one day when I was about six I came home to find my dad hitting my mother. You know I was too young to remember it ever happening before, but that was the first time that I'd seen it and the first time he hit me. My mom never left him and he just kept on hitting her and me until I got old enough to defend myself and then I just left. I went to college and tried to find something that I would be good at due to my experiences. I found family law." Xander said.
Spike looked at him guiltily.
"It's not your fault that you didn't know about my past. Anya barely knows that much. Just enough for her to realize why I choose this type of law." Xander said.
"Yeah well I guess I was a little screwed up to even really care." Spike said.
"Yeah well we aren't so different I guess. Father issues and all that. I just wanted to help the mothers that wanted to get away. So I get why you want to get back in the game. I remember you as an A.D.A and you were good at what you did. You have a passion for criminal law." Xander said.
"So it doesn't seem like I'm running away?" Spike asked.
"A little, but I think everyone needs to run away for a little bit. Helps them become the person that they turn out to be." Xander said.
Spike thought about that and then nodded.
"So I guess this is my official notice." Spike said.
"Yeah now go back to work." Xander said jokingly.
Spike got up and walked over to the door.
"So did you mom ever leave your dad?" Spike asked.
Xander stiffened noticeably and then answered.
"No they're still together. They live in Nevada. I haven't seen them since I went off to college." Xander said.
"Maybe you're better off." Spike said.
"Probably. I mean look at you. Your father never hit you and you still ended up screwed up." Xander said.
"Probably more so then you." Spike said.
"Probably. But then again every once in awhile you can be normal. You know just laid back and yourself. Keep that up."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Come in." Willow called when she heard a knock on the door of her office. It was almost noon and that meant that Spike would be showing up any minute.
"Hey, Willow." Spike said as he stepped into her office.
"Hey Spike I was expecting you."
"Well I'm here." Spike said.
"So what's on your mind for this session." Willow said.
"Um, well, I guess the fact that I'm leaving." Spike said.
"What?" Willow said.
"I decided to take the job offer from Giles. I called him and he said that the job was still mine if I wanted it. I gave my two weeks notice to Xander and I'll be leaving Sunnydale in Saturday to check out apartments." Spike said.
"So you're just packing up and leaving?" Willow asked trying to sound as professional as possible.
"Yeah I realized that Sunnydale has nothing more to offer me. I've been living here for what feels like my whole life and nothing's getting any better. I really think that a change of venue will help. What about you? It doesn't seem like I'm running away from my problems does it?" Spike said.
"Do you want that from a professional position or a friend one?" Willow asked.
"Both I guess. Not really looking to tell all of my friends yet. They'd talk me out of so the professional one would be best, but you know put your friendly advice in there as well." Spike said.
"Well as a friend I would tell you what the hell are you thinking you can't leave Sunnydale. That's where your life is." Willow said.
"And as a professional." Spike said.
"As a professional I think you should really think about taking some time off. Get away from all the craziness. You seem to be living you r life for others rather then yourself and that isn't very healthy. You need to be living your life for you and not to please others." Willow said.
"Good so I'm doing a good thing here." Spike said.
"Professionally yes, but I have to ask what sparked this sudden change. Saturday night you were saying that you would probably not do this now you're doing it. Was there something really significant that happened between that time?" Willow asked.
"No not really." Spike said a little too quickly.
"Nothing huge it's just. . . I walked into my office today and I realized that that isn't the life I want. I used to walk into my office, not the one at the law firm I'm working at, and feel a surge of energy. Like it felt right. I don't get that feeling here." Spike said.
"So you think that if you go to San Francisco you'll find what you're looking for?" Willow asked.
"No, not exactly what I'm looking for. You know my dream is to open my own law firm. I just think that this type of law is making me older." Spike said.
"Older? How so?" Willow asked.
"Well not to be mean or ungrateful to Xander, but I don't understand how he can do this. Family law is all about paperwork and numbers. It almost feels like I'm an accountant. I just don't get it." Spike said.
"You seem to be doing a good job at it." Willow said.
"I do law well. I mean any kind of law, but criminal law is my passion. It always was been. I'm not qualified to do family law. I mean it's all law, but it's not something I take pride in." Spike said.
"So you don't love it like you loved criminal law?" Willow asked.
"Yeah, the feeling of loving to get up in the morning to go to work is lost on me." Spike said.
"And there's nothing else." Willow asked.
Spike looked at her to see if she knew anything. No, she didn't. She was just going on the therapist instinct. Spike stood up from his chair and started pacing around the room.
"You know I hate to leave my family like this. I mean they don't exactly need me, but Angel's sick and it would be nice of me to stick around. It's just. . . you ever get the feeling that you're older then you really are." Spike said looking over at Willow.
"All the time especially when I spend a lot of time working." Willow answered.
"Yeah well lately I've been feeling that way more often. I don't know. It's this feeling that I can't shake off. I keep thinking I'm making the wrong decisions. Making the wrong moves and every time I do there's someone there to rub it in my face. Always someone to make me feel worse." Spike said.
"So you feel like you're making the wrong decisions with your life. Like every step that you take is another mistake that someone's going to call you on." Willow said.
"It goes a little deeper then that. I used to feel that I had to atone for being so wild back when I was younger and maybe I overdid it a bit. I'm there for everyone out of what sometimes feels like guilt. Like I'm trying to make up for being so reckless in my younger age. I never really found the person I was supposed to be and now, at twenty-eight, I'm more confused then ever. I tried to conform into someone that people would approve of, but now that I think about it I didn't change into someone I would approve of." Spike said.
"Ah, I know what you mean. It's the 'Everyone loves Raymond' complex." Willow said.
Spike gave her a questioning look.
"I'm sure there's a technical name for it, but I usual give that name to everyone. It's so much easier to say then what ever medical do-hickeys they have for it." Willow said.
"Seriously, are you really a psychiatrist." Spike asked.
"Yeah, just a more down to earth one." Willow said.
"All right so tell me about this TV complex I have going on." Spike said.
"You want everyone to approve and like you. It's fairly simple. You're someone who does things to please others. Then you get lost when someone doesn't approve." Willow said.
"Is that your official diagnosis?" Spike asked.
"Well no. See you can't really diagnosis someone if they're keeping secrets from you. What triggered this self-reflection?" Willow asked.
Spike looked at her as seriously as he could.
"Nothing I just sort of realized it." Spike said.
"Oh puh-lease. You couldn't have just realized it without a little help." Willow asked.
"I swear I just realized it on my own. I'm smart like that." Spike said.
"People who have this complex can't just realize it on their own. People don't like them so they conform. They don't look back on their lives." Willow said.
"Well I've always been a bit different." Spike said.
"No one's that different to break through the purposes of medical science." Willow said.
"Your point?" Spike said.
"What happened yesterday that triggered this little self-reflection." Willow asked.
Spike thought back to yesterday. Nothing much had happened. He left Buffy's house, okay that was different, but it turned out to be just a one-night stand. Well at least that's what they both had decided. He coached Dawn and then he went out with Xander to eat.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Flashback
"So why'd you ask me to this lunch-almost-dinner." Spike asked as he lightly placed his napkin on his lap.
"No reason, but as a peace offering. I figure I might as well eat sooner or later. With all the paperwork I have I don't think I'll be getting home anytime soon." Xander said not looking up from his menu. They had stopped at a local burger joint called Paul's Place.
"Yeah I guess so. Do you always work so late?" Spike asked taking a quick glance at the menu before deciding what he was going to eat.
"Yeah, Ahn hates it. She's always talking about if I work so late how are we ever going to have kids. Ever since Angel got sick and she met that Buffy that you seem so fond of she wants to have kids." Xander said.
"That such a bad thing. You guys should have kids while you're still young." Spike said.
"Listen to you. You sound like Grandfather Time. I'm twenty-seven and she's twenty-six. We're still reasonably young. I just don't think that this is the best time in our careers to be having kids. I don't come home until late in the night and she doesn't come home all that early either." Xander said.
"Well if you ask me your career is sound and so is hers. Most parents don't spend loads of time with their kids anyway." Spike said.
"Yeah, but I want to be the very best father I can be." Xander said.
"Well there aren't any guarantees you know. You just have to jump right in and hope that you're making the right decision." Spike said.
"So I'm just supposed to dive right in without a care in the world? Doesn't seem very. . . logical." Xander said.
"Parenthood isn't supposed to be logical." Spike said.
"Well it will be the way I do things." Xander said.
"Don't you hate feeling like Mister Logical all the time." Spike said.
"Oh and you're one to talk." Xander said.
"What's that supposed to mean." Spike asked with a frown on his face.
"I'm not the most logical person sitting at this table." Xander said.
"I'm not that logical."
"Oh please. More so then me. I remember a time when you were out there and wacky. You used to go with the flow of things, but lately not so much." Xander said.
"I got older." Spike said defensively.
Xander let out a sigh. "You're only a year older then I am. Please don't try to tell me that you got older and matured."
"Is that so hard to believe."
"Well yeah. Spike you've never been immature I'll give you that, but you've never been Mister Conservative. Look at you with your stylish two- tone hair set for the corporate world and your fancy suits. Laid back my ass." Xander said.
"I'm just trying to act my age." Spike said.
"And yet here you are telling me to not act mine. To just go for it and have kids. Why?" Xander said.
"'Cause I'd like some more nieces and nephews." Spike said.
"You know that's not what I mean."
"What do you mean then, Xan?" Spike asked.
"I mean why the sudden change. It was brought on like a fast hurricane and all that was left was this new Spike. Corporate was never you."
"Sure it was. I did it for a whole year."
"No Spike it wasn't you. Being a lawyer that's you no denying that. When I met you, you were Mister Big-Shot A.D.A. you were so smug and too damn confident for your own good. I remember you never lost a case. Then one day you make the switch to corporate out of nowhere. I mean if it wasn't bad enough that you had that hotshot girlfriend, but to turn corporate. I always knew that job wasn't you, but we weren't friends at the time so I kept my mouth shut, but I knew. There was something wrong with that picture."
"I was trying to advance my career. You know that thing that's keeping you from having kids. Do you even want kids."
"Nice changing of the subject. Yes I want kids. Of course I want kids. Who doesn't want kids? Everyone wants a family and kids and the American dream." Xander said.
"Well then don't let anything get in the way of that." Spike said.
"I don't plan to. I'll have kids when I'm ready. Just like you'll act like the real you when you're ready." Xander said.
"I act like the real me. This is the real me. After years of searching I finally found him."
"Well you better search some more because this Spike that sits in front of me is totally different from the one that's supposed to be here."
End Flashback
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Well okay maybe after having lunch with Xander I realized that I don't exactly act like the real me." Spike said.
"So Xander is what triggered it." Willow said.
"Yeah that's all that triggered it."
"Somehow I think that you're using this whole thing as a cover from the real reason you want to leave. So tell me. What's the really reason?"
Spike sighed and sat down in one of the chairs.
"It's not one specific reason. There are many reasons why I want to leave." Spike said.
"What's the biggest one?" Willow said.
"Okay now you're badgering more like a friend then like a professional." Spike said.
"Well I can't help it if it comes out that way. In the short time that I've known you I've come to think of you as somewhat of a friend." Willow said.
"Is that because I'm friends with Buffy or because you like me as a person." Spike asked.
"Okay now who's psychoanalyzing whom?"
"If you were to meet me on your own would you consider me a good guy?"
"I don't know. I wasn't put in that situation."
"So the only reason you like me as a person is because of your friend."
"No, I like you as a person because I got to know you. I'll admit that I gave you a chance because Buffy said you were a good person, but I did get to know you on a deeper level. Kind of your therapist."
"Yeah well I want to go somewhere where people don't give me a chance because I'm the friend of a friend. There's no room for growth in a small town like Sunnydale. Shoot almost everyone knows my name."
"So you're anti-cheers."
"Again with the TV references. Yeah I guess you can say that."
Willow looked down at her pad of paper. Usually she would jot down notes and things like that, but she hadn't felt the need to with Spike. It didn't hold any answers.
"Look I just think that the main reason you want to do this is to run away." Willow finally said after a few minutes of silence.
"Yeah I guess I do want to run away."
"From what or should I say who?" Spike studied the redhead's features.
Where was a good answer when you needed one?
"I guess everything. My life's kind of gotten old hat. I want to go some place and start new. Not be Spike. I want to find out who the hell William Flannery is. Is he someone I even like to be around? And I know how skitzo that sounded, but maybe it's true. Maybe I don't like me." Spike said.
"And what if you find out that who you are right now is who you're supposed to be. Do you like you right now." Willow asked.
"Yeah I guess. Me right now is a cool guy, but there has to be more that I'm not tapping into. Something I'm missing that isn't exactly making me whole. Whatever it is I need to find it before I go off and have a full life."
"So by moving to San Francisco you think you'll accomplish that?"
"Aren't you supposed to be answering my questions. You know saying helpful quotes and phrases. Aren't you supposed to give your opinion." Spike asked.
"Sure, but I need to know if this is what you really want."
"It is. I've spent the better part of an hour saying that."
"Okay then here's my opinion. Something happened to you and not your lunch with Xander. It was something that made you insecure. Now lunch with Xander may have enforced that insecurity, but something happened before that. I need to know what that was before I can help you." Willow said studying Spike intensely.
He fidgeted in his seat and didn't look directly at her. He seemed to be battling with himself about telling her the truth or not. Then, a few minutes later, he looked up at her with slight determination on his face.
"IsleptwithBuffySaturdaynight." He said quickly.
"You what?" Willow said not sure if she heard right.
Spike took a deep sigh and looked at her. "I said I slept with Buffy Saturday night." Spike said.
"Oh well that's great." Off Spike's look she added.
"That's not great. Why is that not great? You two looked all good together. Why isn't that great?" Willow asked.
"See it's like this, Red. I had one of the best nights of my life and she wakes me up in the morning telling me to get the heck out and that it was a meaningless one-night stand. Said she hadn't had it in a long time and basically told me that it meant nothing. So you see why the hell I'm anxious to get out of that town." Spike said.
Willow's lips formed the perfect 'oh' shape, but no noise came out.
"Well I guess I see the reason now." She said mentally remembering to kick Buffy when she saw her next.
"Do I have a 'kick me' sign on my back? Does it also say use me up really good and then just dump me 'cause hell it doesn't matter? His life is shit anyway. Honestly I'm asking you. I can't really see my back." Spike said.
"Not that I've seen."
"I go after the wrong girl. I mean every time. Every bloody time it's always the wrong girl. I'm like a magnet for the wrong girl. Always. I mean every relationship I've ever had has ended with me having that kicked puppy dog look on my face. I honestly think it's me."
"It's not you."
"How can it be them? How can at least four women be just total bitches? It can't be them. I see a pattern don't you. I go after the ones that'll hurt me."
"Spike it may feel like that, but that's not true. You don't go after the ones that hurt you. It just feels that way."
"Really then why am I always the one that ends up feeling the burn. You know I wasn't going to move because I actually thought that she might want to be with me. I was going to give up a great job because some chit might want to be with me. How stupid am I."
"You're not stupid. You just want love like everyone else."
"You know I'm sorry to have to put you in this position. I know you can't bad mouth your friend." Spike said.
"Are you kidding? I would badmouth her if I could, but the best friend code has rules against that. I was the one sitting in the sidelines rooting you guys on. She's so dumb some times." Willow said.
"It's not her fault. Maybe I rushed things. I don't know. All I know is that I need to get out of Sunnydale. I need to start anew. I need to find a place that's going to want me for me. Maybe San Francisco isn't that town, but it can be. It's whatever I make it right?"
Willow looked at Spike. He seemed really determined on starting anew. She knew there wasn't anyway to talk him out of his decision. The only way to do that would be to show him that Buffy really did want him and she was just scared, but she couldn't do that. She couldn't force Buffy to admit something that she didn't want to admit.
"Yeah it's a new oyster."
"Oyster?"
"Yeah you know that saying the world is your oyster."
"Oh yeah I get it. Now the really hard part is yet to come. I have to convince my friends and family that this is a good decision without letting them know about Buffy. They'd just push it more and tell me to go after her."
"And you couldn't be persuaded to go after her?" Willow asked hopefully.
"See there's the overly obnoxious friend stepping in. I wondered how long that was going to take to happen again. No I don't think I could be persuaded." Spike said.
"Why not." Willow asked with a frown.
"There was a time when I wouldn't have stopped pursuing her." Spike said.
"And now."
"Now I think that I'm getting to old to go after girls. Love shouldn't be that hard. I'm ready to give up on it fully. Just give me time." Spike said.
"Wow welcome the old spinster."
"I try. So what's new with you."
"Isn't this about you?"
"Yeah well there's like five minutes left so I thought I'd ask one of my friends what's new in their life."
"Well Buffy would kill me for telling you this before her, but well here it goes, I'm pregnant." Willow said gleefully.
"Really that's great. Does Oz know?"
"Yes I told him yesterday night. We went out to dinner and everything."
"So how far along are you?"
"About a month or so. I'm so excited."
"Yeah well kids are great. You'll make a great mother. Just don't psychoanalyze him or her to much."
"I'll try, but as a psychiatrist I have the ability to do that without even trying." Willow and Spike shared a smile and a laugh before Willow was beeped on the intercom.
"Mrs. Osbourne your one o'clock is here." The voice said.
"Okay send him in as soon as Mr. Flannery leaves this office." Willow said into the intercom.
"Alright, ma'am." The voice said.
"Jeez, why does she have to call me ma'am. I'm to young to be a ma'am."
"Yeah well I'm too young to be a Sir, but I'm called it all the time. I should be going." Spike said standing up and picking up his jacket.
"Yeah okay. I'll see you before you leave right?"
"You can count on it." Spike said walking over to the door.
"Oh and Spike." Willow called. Spike turned around to face her.
"I do think that you should pursue her."
"Really this speaking like a professional or as a friend."
"A little bit of both actually. And no matter if you don't like this William Flannery, there are people out there that do. Me being one of them. Don't give up hope in love or Buffy."
Spike closed his eyes and smiled. It was a small smile, but very noticeable. Not a smirk or a grin, but a smile. Willow wondered if she had ever seen him smile in the time that she knew him.
"Probably couldn't even if I wanted too. Me and love, well let's just say we get along just fine. It's other people that are my problem. You take care now, ma'am." Spike said bowing his head and walking out of the office.
A/N: Okay so you know what to do-ou. Let's all just review-ou. Let's review if you want another chapter. I've started working on it and let me tell you, it's going to be a dozy and probably a very long one. So review if you want to see it.