A/N: For the purposes of this story, Courtney will be twenty-six years old.
As I stand here, waiting for my wedding to begin, I have to ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. I begin to ponder this because the church, although it is filled with the family that chose me, isn't filled with the people that I want to be there the most. Mike isn't walking me down the aisle, John Kincaid, affectionately known as "Pops" is. The man that I truly love isn't waiting for me at the alter.
The best thing about the family that I have in there right now is that they aren't obligated to be there, they're here today because they want me to be happy, they want what's best for me, and they think this is what's best for me. The thing is I don't know if this is best for me.
The doors open, and my eight year old son James Michael Matthews, affectionately known as Jimmy, begins his procession down the aisle with the rings.
As I watch Jimmy walk down the aisle, I flashback to a time before I gave my heart away, before I made the biggest mistake of my life, before I married AJ, before I even came to Port Charles.
Suddenly, I'm in the house where my whole life changed.
Flashback
It was Friday night, which meant movie night for Mark and I. He had to work, so he'd be a little late, but he gave me his house key and told me to go wait for him at the house and order the pizza.
When I opened the door to my second home, my safe haven, I was greeted by the smell of alcohol and a site I would not soon forget.
Mark's brother, Adam, was sitting on the ground in front of the staircase. But, he wasn't supposed to be home until school got out, and that was in another week and a half. I called out to him, to anyone really, and no one answered back. The house that was never silent was so ear piercingly silent, that it could've killed a dog.
I put the bag of movies and my purse down on the table by the door and slowly began to creep towards Adam, calling for him the whole time. As I went to check for a pulse, he grabbed my wrists.
In his beyond drunken state, he began to accuse me of stealing his family from him. Whenever I denied his allegations, he'd hit me, hard across the face. He told me I'd pay for what I'd done to him.
And pay I did.
That was the night that I lost my innocence, no I didn't lose it, it was brutally stolen from me!
Every touch made my skin crawl. With every thrust, I begged for death.
No one heard my cries until it was too late. Too late to do anything, to late to help me.
I don't know when I passed out, but I know that I woke up later that night in the hospital. Apparently, it was the pizza delivery guy that found me and called an ambulance.
The next few weeks flew by in a flash.
In that time, Pops threatened to kill Adam for what he'd done to me. That was when I realized that maybe Adam was right, maybe I had stolen his family from him. But that didn't mean he had the right to do what he did to me.
That night resulted in a bouncing baby boy, James Michael got both of his names from his grandpas.
Jimmy had his father's deep brown eyes, but at the same time, they weren't Adam's eyes. The coloring was the same, but where Adam had emptiness, Jimmy had comfort and love.
Those eyes were what made me give him up. It wasn't that I didn't love him because I loved him with every ounce of my being. It was the simple fact that I didn't think I could handle looking into those eyes everyday without losing my mind.
I was lucky though because Jimmy didn't have to go live with some strangers, Pops offered to take him until I was ready to take him back. Jimmy grew up knowing that I was his Mommy.
Jimmy was finally going to come and live with me, I was finally ready for him, whether I married Jax or not.
End Flashback
Jimmy was the first and last person down the aisle.
The bridal march began and Pops and I made our way down the aisle. I began to cry, not tears of joy, but tears of sorrow.
I know that I don't love Jax, but I somehow managed to convince myself that I could learn to love him and until I did he could love me enough for the both of us. But I know now that I will never be able to love Jax because you can't love if you don't have a heart. It isn't that I'm heartless, it's just that my heart belongs to someone else, and I don't ever want my heart back.
Mid-way down the aisle, I stop. I look to my left and I see Mark, his wife Stacey, and their two children, Andrew, three, and Abby, three months. I know that they're happy and I know that they have the kind of love that I had, no have with Jason.
My life begins to flash before my eyes. Mike's "death." The Kincaids generosity. The rape. Jimmy. Coming to Port Charles. Discovering my family. Marrying AJ. The rest is Jason, Jason, Jason. From falling in love with him to the last time we spoke together. There is no room in there for the likes of Brian or Jax.
I realize without a shadow of a doubt that I love Jason and I have to get him back. There's no way I can marry a man that I'll never love.
"Courtney, are you alright?" I hear Jax ask. He must have been asking for awhile because his hands are now on my shoulders shaking me slightly.
"I'm sorry Jax, I can't do this!"
"What?"
"I know that you love me. I'd convinced myself that you could love me enough for the both of us until I could learn to love you..."
"I do and I can!" Jax said earnestly.
"No Jax! You can't because I will never be able to love you! You can't love if your heart isn't yours to give away! Jason has my heart and I don't want it back, ever!" I pause to wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry Jax. I'm truly sorry, but I can't marry you."
With that, I grab Jimmy's hand, give Pops a kiss good-bye, and rush out to my car, son in tow.
I know what I have to do and I'm no longer afraid to do it.
As I get closer to Harborview Towers, it begins to pour.
We pull up to the curb, park the car, jump out, and race through the rain to the door and into the elevator.
As we get closer and closer to our destination, I become more and more sure of what I have to do.
Before we get to the top floor, Jimmy asks what we're doing. I tell him, "Mommy's going to fix what she broke." Jimmy simply nods as the bell dings signaling our arrival.
I step out first and turn left towards penthouse two. As I raise my hand to knock on the door, it opens and simultaneously Jimmy sneezes. I turn to Jimmy and ask if he's alright while handing him a tissue. He says, "Thanks Mommy."
Sam stands silently and watches the exchange. When I look back at the door, I see Sam with a box in her arms. Before I can even ask she says, "He's across the hall talking to Sonny," she pauses, gives me a once over. "So, I guess the wedding was called off?"
"Yes, and thanks."
"No problem, good-bye."
I felt bad for Sam. She lost her baby, and no one deserves to go through that. She decided to take Danny and travel the world in an attempt at covering her pain.
As I took Jimmy's hand, Sam shut the door. I went across the hall and knocked on the door. And I waited, and waited, and waited, for what seemed to be forever. Jimmy started squirming around and I was about to leave when Carly answered the door.
"Courtney, are you okay?" she asked seeing my tear-stained eyes and dripping wedding dress.
"Yes, I'm fine. Is Jason here? I really need to talk to him."
"He's in the kitchen with Sonny, come on in." Carly eyes Jimmy as if asking who he is, I simply shake my head no and we all go to the couch.
Jimmy and I sit on the couch as Carly yells in the kitchen, "Jason, you have a few visitors." Carly then walks over to the couch and plants herself next to Jimmy.
I stand as the two men enter the room.
"What do you want Courtney?" Sonny booms.
"I need to talk to Jason, Sonny."
"What's left to tell me Courtney? That you and Jax just got married? Do you want to hurt me Courtney?" Jason asks on the brink of tears.
Holding back tears of my own I manage to say, "No, to all of it. I came here to tell you..."
"I don't want to hear it Courtney! Can you please just leave?" Jason says.
I came here to tell you I love you Jason, I think to myself, don't push me away!
All I can manage is a nod. As I turn to Jimmy, he asks, "Mommy, did you fix it already?"
Holding back my tears, I answer, "No sweetie, I didn't fix it."
Sonny, Carly, and Jason stand in shock at the fact that Jimmy called me "Mommy."
As we begin to walk out, Carly stops us. "Courtney! Wait!" I stop, but I say nothing, for fear I'll start to cry. "Why didn't you..."
"I couldn't," I state simply.
"What did you come here for?" Carly asks.
I turn and look at Jason. "I came here to tell you that I couldn't do it. I couldn't marry Jax," I begin to cry. "I couldn't do it because I love you too much Jason. You own my heart and I don't ever want it back!" I wipe my tears. "But obviously, you don't feel the same way. Good-bye Jason. I'll...I'll always...love...you!" I manage to get out a sobs begin to wrack my body.
I turn, open the door, and walk out. Before I could press the button for the elevator, Jason was at my side.
"I love you too Courtney. With all of my heart!" I turn and look at him. "I don't know why you couldn't tell me about him, but hopefully, we'll have the rest of our lives to figure that out," he pauses to wipe my tears away, and I lean into his touch. "I love you Courtney, and I'll do anything to keep you."
"Oh, Jason!" I say before we begin to kiss.
After we begin to kiss, we hear, "Mommy?" Jimmy waits for us to pull apart before continuing. "Mommy, did you fix it now?"
I look at Jason and smile, "Yes Jimmy, I fixed it."
"Good, can we go home now because I'm hungry," Jimmy says.
"We're all going home," Jason says as he ushers us all into the now Sam-free penthouse.
I realize then that this is another life-changing day. The only difference from the last one is that my life has now changed for the better because now I have my true family and I'm truly happy.