Chapter 5: Confrontation

I shuttered as I walked on onto the roof, the cold wind ripping again my arms, sending shivers up my spine. I quickly rub my hands up and down my arms in a feeble attempt to get some heat generated so that I didn't freeze up there. The rain was still softly falling from the sky. Not nearly as hard as it was when I had run into work, just more of a drizzle falling, I walk over looking out over the city. The pavement down below was glistening from the falling rain that had dampened it during the day.

The lights of the city now twinkling, as I look at them some have that halo appearance from the reflecting raindrops. The rain falling from the sky ironically fit the darkened mood that I have found myself falling in.

I now close my eyes, opening and closing them as I try to blink away the tears that have accumulated under them. Closing them once again, knowing that blinking them away is a futile attempt. This was not how this was supposed to be, my private life, was supposed to be just that private. Not something, that was shared with those who just happened to be standing in the area when I got that phone call. I don't know who I was more mad at right now, David for calling me at work, or me, for being stupid enough not to just hang up the minute that I heard his voice on the other end of the line.

I open my eyes and start to pace, the anger and frustration eating at me. I probably didn't handle that the way that I should have. If I had just shut my mouth before I said anything, or if I had just hung up the phone and pretended that it didn't bother me, then maybe in a half hour this might have all been forgotten, but tearing out of the ER like my ass was on fire, well that would have left an impression on anyone.

I take in as deep of breath as I can considering the fact that I have now realized I am on the verge of hyperventilating. Why did I care right now, what they thought of me? I was a medical student just here on my rotations, I wouldn't be a permanent part of County any time soon, I didn't even know yet if I was going to put County down as a possible place to do my residency, that will still a long ways away for me. I needed to take this one-step at a time, on day at a time, and not let what happened get under my skin.

Standing still I feel eyes upon me, who would have come up here now, someone feel that I needed a little mocking, or perhaps I needed to be talked to about getting personal phone calls in the work place, or they just wanted to torment me in my time of mental anguish. Thinking about mental anguish almost made me laugh. I wasn't in any kind of mental anguish. Now that for me was being melodramatic, but hey I could play it off it I needed to. I was after all a good actor amongst my many hidden talents.

"Are you okay?" A voice calls from behind me.

What is that concern in the voice that is now trying to talk to me? Do I turn around and answer that, better yet how do I answer that. I don't know if I am okay or if I am hurting a little, or if I am just more embarrassed that this has happened. That someone now knew about my dirty laundry that didn't need to be aired. Maybe if I don't answer they will go away. I stop pacing and lean against the small railing that is there as I look down over the edge of the railing at the ground below me. It's the ambulance bay. Something that I had never noticed before, not that I spent a lot of time up here, I've come up once or twice with Abby when she would take her break and we would talk. While she had her cigarette, her one vice, she had told me and of course, she had made me promise that I wouldn't tell anyone that she still did that up here. I stifle a small laugh that was about to escape my lips, if I didn't answer would he actually be worried that I would be thinking about jumping from here?

"Erica, are you okay?" I hear it again.

The voice asking me pulls me away from the thoughts of jumping, not that I would do that, oh that would hurt and I had no intentions of ending my life by jumping off the roof of a County Hospital of all places where there were doctors and nurses who would undoubtedly try to put the pieces of my shattered body back together and then where would I be, nothing more than a broken comatose person left at the mercy of those around me. No thank you that was not the way I had intended on spending the rest of my life. There were much less painful ways to do that, if that was what I had ever intended to do. I had a bright future ahead of me; I was not going to let the man that I was married to take away that chance from me. I was stronger than what people tended to give me credit. After all, I had survived more than my fair share of tragedy and heartache over the years. Well then maybe, I should answer the voice that is trying to reach out to me.

"I'm okay you don't have to worry." I say, there's no emotion in my voice. My tone as flat as it could ever be. "I'm not going to jump if you are worried about that."

Oh, I love sarcasm it has always been a good friend to me. I could hear it dripping from my voice as I finished that last thought. But then that was how I had learned to deal with people trying to be sympathetic towards me. I didn't need it, to be felt sorry for because of what he had done. No, I was stronger than that. I can no feel him standing next to me. I couldn't bring myself to turn my head to look at him.

"Well, no I really wasn't worried about you doing that. You don't appear to be ready to take that step." The voice behind me says. I can tell that it is Doug, even though I haven't turned to look.

I want to tell him to leave me alone. To give me time to get this out of my system and that I would be back down in the ER in 15 minutes. I didn't need him to tell me that it would be okay, that things would get better. But I couldn't force those words out of my mouth right now. Brutal honesty didn't seem to be the route that I wanted to take. It might have been much better than what was about to come flying out of my mouth. As I now turn to look at him, to see the doctor that was standing next to me, the man who was the father of my husband, absent father at that.

"No jumping off the roof of County would be a very dumb idea. There are much better ways to end one's life than landing in an Emergency room ambulance bay." There is thick sarcasm again dripping from the tone of my voice.

Did that come out the way that I think it did. Was he now going to think that he had some kind of suicidal medical student on his hands, cause really I might have been upset about the fact that my husband and I were fighting and I was trying to get a divorce that he didn't want us to get but really I didn't see any of this as a reason to end my life.

"There's no reason for someone as talented as you are to be even thinking of something that extreme." He says to me.

Now I almost am thankful that I really am not suicidal cause that might have made me actually want to leap to my death, to escape the conversation since he was between me and the door there was no getting away from him. He has known me for what 15 minutes maybe a half hour and he thinks I'm talented, oh I know that I am, but he must be pretty conceited to think that I would believe hearing that from a total stranger.

"No offense there Dr. Ross, but none of this really concerns you, there's no reason why you should care what I am thinking." There is no emotion in my voice as I say that.

"I might not have been a father to David like I should have been, but that doesn't mean that part of me doesn't care about him, or what happens to him, or to those who obviously care about him."

I can hear the concern in his voice as he talks to me; his voice was calm and level. It appears to me that he really thought that I was serious about that. Great this was not going to look good on my evaluation. She doesn't handle the pressures of stress very well. Maybe attending physicians didn't do med student evaluations just the residents. With the way that my luck had been, going lately that wouldn't be the case. I found myself almost wanted to spill the truth to him, the truth as what I saw, how my life had changed because of this, that it wasn't my fault, but more or less his and Dana's for the way that David's life was screwed up. But I blamed David for this, not his parents, as twisted as I found, well at least Dana to be.

Here now I found myself trying to form intellectual thoughts, thinking about what of this mess I should tell him. This was not easy for me; I hadn't talked to anyone other than the lawyer who was handling the divorce.

"He was a good man when I married him, full of life, compassion, so loving and understanding. He told me to follow my dreams that he would be right there by me the entire way. He said that he would be proud to be the husband of a doctor. He never failed to always tell me how bright and talented I was, and that I should never stop." I find myself starting to say. "But when Dana broke down after we had been married for over two years and told him about you, about his father, he changed. It was almost as if he was a different man. Become the man that she said you were. He started drinking and not giving a damn anymore about those who he had once wanted to give the world for. He withdrew from me, didn't talk to Dana or to me. But what hurt the most of this was that he stopped talking to me, his wife, I promised him that I would stand beside him not matter what we encountered but yet he decided to shut me out. When I found out about the women, I snapped. I didn't' want to believe that David would do that to me. He knew that was the one thing, the one thing that I wouldn't be able to forgive him. The first time, I swallowed my pride, didn't believe that he had really stepped over that line, but then there were two and three. I had to walk away from him and he knew it. I don't know why he felt the need to do that. Maybe he felt that cliché like father like son was too true and that he couldn't help himself."

There is an awkward silence up on the roof now. I tried not to think about it, not to feel it but it was there. Sometimes the truth was too brutal and hurt more than one could ever think that it could, but here I found myself telling him just that. I could almost sense that he did not know what to say to my little outburst or confession of sorts. This was going to create quite the working challenge between the two of us. Why did I have to share this connection with him? Why had I decided to do my medical schooling in Chicago? Because that's where I got accepted, this is where all my hard work had led me too. Northwestern was one of the best schools and I had gotten into it because I had worked hard. Him being here was just fate, that was all there was to it, if I over analyzed it I would drive myself nuts. I didn't to do that. I just wanted to finish my education and move on.

"I don't know what to tell you Erica, other than to give you the chance to get to know me, the real me, not the one that Dana painted." He tells me, his voice still held the concern in it that was there before.

What? I am half tempted now to turn and hit him, but I am not a violent person. I take in the words that he is saying to me. Thinking long and hard before I say anything else to him, not wanted to sound like a bitch. Yet knowing inside that this was going to come off like that. Some things no matter how you tried to sugar coat them never quite could come out right and this was one of those things.

"Look it's not me who needs to get to know you." I can feel my voice turning icy with him. Not that at any point during this conversation I had been warm or friendly with him. "You are nothing to me. You just happen to be the attending physician that I have to work with tonight. The biological father of the man I married, you have played no role in my life and have not affected my decisions in any way. It's David you should be telling that to not to me."

"You're right, but it wasn't just my decision, I respected Dana's wishes. Granted it wasn't right for me to walk away as I did. But that is something that I can't go back and change." I hear him start to explain.

He was telling me that he couldn't' change it. My anger and frustration with the situation is starting to come to a head and I know that if I don't find a way to pull it all back under control that I would end up saying something that I would deeply regret. I start counting to myself. It's not working, it's not helping, bah I am now about to scream. Why am I letting this get to me?

"Dr. Ross, you don't have to explain this to me." I snap, "I could care less right now why you did what you did. It really doesn't matter to me. What is going on between David and me is between David and me not anyone else. I regret the fact that he called me at work, that everyone down there now knows that I am not talking to my husband that he has women on the side. But I can guarantee you that this is not going to affect my work that it will not happen again."

I feel his hand on my shoulder almost as if to keep me from jumping. He hasn't said anything yet, and I don't know if he is going to. Not that I want him to say anything, I would rather just have him let me be for a little while work this out with out an audience. Hashing this out with David's father was not at the top of my list of things to do.

"I am just trying to be a friend." His voice now soft and was taking on a different tone.

I push his hand off my shoulder; it's uncomfortable for me to have him touching me as if I was a member of his family. I wasn't. I was making a clean break from David and I didn't plan on becoming best friends with his Dad.

"I appreciate that, really I do, Dr. Ross, but look I have enough friends and I really don't think that's going to happen with us. I'm not sure why you and I were brought together, that you just happen to be returning to Chicago as I am arriving, but this isn't right. I am not going to befriend someone who has, indirectly whether intentional or not played a part in ruining my life."

Oh, man I just yelled at him. I have no idea where that pent up anger came from. I roll my eyes at myself; yeah I know where it came from. David had hurt me, he wasn't here for me to lash out at, and Doug made a perfectly good substitute right now. He was an easy target for me. I knew that it probably wasn't fair of me to take the anger out on him. After all, he hadn't ever seen David, that might have been partially his fault, Dana's too, but I shouldn't have been yelling at him.

"We can all use more friends." I can hear him talking and just as I turn to look at him, he turns to walk away from me. "I expect to see you down in the ER in 15 minutes. You have work that needs to be done." There was no more warmth in his voice, and the concern and compassion that was there seemed to have evaporated.

"I'll be right there." I say to the retreating backside. Did he expect me to tell him that I was sorry for saying what I did? If what I had said hurt, yeah I was sorry for that but I couldn't change the truth. I wasn't going to go and apologize to him. I didn't ask him to get involved in this.