A/N: This is not the last chapter, there is one more after so don't stop reading and reviewing. Thank you Singing Daisy for the reviews, or were they?
Anyways......
What am I doing here again? Who died now? I think I'm beginning to hate this place. Cragen's here, Elliot, Olivia, my partner. So is Lennie Briscoe, Brian Cassidy, Monique Jeffries. Why are they all here? Did another cop get shot? Oh, I'll find out soon enough. I make my way to an empty seat on one side of Cragen. "Hey, Boss," I say, but he doesn't look at me. He's staring up at the casket, a few tears in his eyes. Must've been someone close.
A man I don't recognize steps up and begins to talk. I can't really hear what he's saying but soon Elliot gets up to speak. Oh boy, it's someone in our squad. "Every day we, as cops, put our necks out on the line to protect those in this city. We solve cases, as detectives, to put the bad guys in jail. Every day, we go out and see the worst things man can do to one another. He was there with us every day to keep the people as safe as possible. He worked hard at this job, this job that we all love and hate." He looked down at the coffin and lightly ran a hand over it, muttering something lost to all but him.
Olivia rose and made her way to the podium, passing Elliot and giving him a small, reassuring smile. "I've known this man lying here for a couple years now. Known his humor, known his pain and known some of his past. Known how he hated the people we arrested, known how he hated the things we saw. Known how he took it all in silence, withholding his pain, letting it boil inside him until we caught a case that he was drawn to. He would put all his energy into that case, letting the boiled pain drive him to the edge and back again." She paused and fixed her eyes on my partner and Elliot, for support I guess. "This time, he didn't come back," she said softly, almost too soft to hear.
Next, my partner stood, his face gray, pain written all over it in more ways than one. He stood at the podium for a while, looking at the crowd of mourners. "When you become partners with another cop, you're a team, a machine that can function under anything. You get to know your partner as intimately as you do a spouse. When a partner dies, something in you dies. You'll forever compare him to your new partner. Always." Tears had sprung to his eyes and he wiped them away as he looked down at the casket. He traced a hand down the length and made his way back to his seat where Olivia leaned over and whispered something to him. He nodded and Cragen began to speak.
"No commander wants to get a phone call telling them one of their men is down, never to get up again. No commander wants to lose a cop, especially a good one, one who willingly risks his life to help the victims, the innocents. He wasn't normally sensitive, but when the need called for it, he tried. He was a damn good cop and I'm sorry he's gone. I'd give anything to have him back, hear him joke, hear him arrest a perp, hear him laugh, watch him work. I know anyone in my squad would do the same, even if we all wanted to hurt him at one point. He was well loved and respected and I know I speak for everyone who worked with him in saying, he never knew how to tell us he felt the same about us. He will be missed, whether he likes it or not." Giving a small, sad smile, he said simply, "Goodbye, John."
I sat, shocked, as he made his way back to his seat. It was me in that casket. This was my funeral. I was dead. A few more people rose to speak, but I didn't hear what they said. It was suddenly like I was floating above the crowd, a cloud passing by and giving witness to a mournful spectacle. People started to rise around me, going up to the casket to place flowers or tokens near it. I still didn't get it. How could I be at my own funeral? Is this a dream? Am I really dead?