Chapter 18: What do you mean you don't know?

My ankles now look like balloons; my stomach seems to have a life of its own and has taken over the rest of my body. I have to stop taking trauma's now completely. I'm perplexed at how something so little can make me feel so bloody big. I can't reach as well as I used to it feels like my arms have shrunk, can't move as fast as I need to for fear of getting unbalanced, and can't seem to concentrate all that well either. There was an old saying, that every time you get pregnant you lose brain cells, well right now I feel like I have lost all of mine.

I'm insane for thinking I can do this. Be a mother and a resident. The hours are long and my body is screaming at me at the end of each shift. I am walking around now with food almost constantly. Granted it's not much that I eat when I eat cause 15 minutes later I have heartburn that I swear is going to kill me. I get backaches now after being on my feet for more than 8 hours. Weaver is trying to convince me to take maternity leave that I can make up for the hours that I lose as a resident after the baby is born; I wonder what dream world she is living in. I know that I am not the only parent who works in the ER. Carter has kids, Susan has a baby, and well Susan is the Chief of Emergency Medicine. Carter has Abby, Susan has Chuck, and they all live together, happily married. I have David but we don't live happily together and we are definitely not happily married. Right now, I don't think I could be happily anything. Sad thing is it is only the beginning of February and I have another 8 weeks left of this, oh god how am I going to make it.

I am thinking that I should shoot myself. I told Kerry that I would work up until 36 weeks then I would take time off and that is now 3 weeks away. Less than one more month of being puked on, sworn at, of being asked if people can touch my belly. I'm still trying to figure out what that's about. Yes it's amazing that there's a baby in there, but I am not a Buda, and rubbing me will not bring you luck, it will not make the baby kick and if the baby does decide to kick odds are now that it will kick my spine doing nothing but making me even more miserable so then you will get the rage of a hormonal, tired pregnant lady.

I managed to survive another week and not hurt anyone or myself. Yet I am finding it harder now to make it thru my shifts, but I just keep telling myself that I only have 6 more weeks to go and I know that I can make it, I've done 34 weeks, six more shouldn't and couldn't be that bad.

35 weeks of my pregnancy done and over with and shockingly David is still alive. I have contemplated killing him for this one. Yes, I know it takes two to tango, but why can't men have to have the babies. I waddle home now in the early evening hours my coat wrapped around me in, it is still pretty cold outside and they are calling yet once again for snow. David has pestered me about still taking the EL to and from work, but it's the fast route out there and I have no desire to sit and wait for someone to come and get me when I am off and as I look down, sadly I would not fit behind the steering wheel of the car. That though alone is almost enough to make me yet once more burst into tears, which I had somehow managed to find myself in at work four times today.

I pull my tired body up the stairs, I just want to climb into a warm shower and let the massaging showerhead work its magic again tonight. I open up the apartment door and there's this great smell coming from my kitchen. I hang my keys and my coat up by the door making my way a little further into the apartment. There are candles on my table, which is set and David is standing in my kitchen cooking. Oh, okay, here come the tears again for today. I am so touched that he has done something this sweet for me. I stand there in aw of what he has done.

"Hey baby." He says softly to me coming over and wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I feel a soft kiss on my forehead. "Thought after your long day you might like a hot meal that doesn't come from the freezer."

Tears roll down my face now, as I try to think of something to say that would be understandable, "oh thank you." I say from behind my teary eyes.

"Is everything okay?" He asks that soft hint of concern for us in his voice. "Why are you crying sweetie?"

"Because this is so sweet," I am really starting to hate these hormone swings, please give me back my emotional control.

He doesn't say anything for a minute, I'm wondering if he's gotten used to me being this psychotic. After all, I have been going from happy to sad to angry in less than a minute on him for about 4 weeks now. I feel his hand reach up to wipe away the tears that are on my cheeks, "why don't you go in and take a shower, dinner has about another 30 minutes. I wasn't sure when you were off and I didn't want it to get cold on you."

Gently sobbing is now coming from me as I head towards the bathroom, he is really being so sweet to me yet I know that in the next hour I will be madder than hell at him for something that he will say or do or not do. I climb in under the hot water taking my time to let it ease some of my aches and pains before climbing out and drying off throwing on some old baggy comfortable clothes and waddle back towards the kitchen.

"Here baby." He says handing me a glass.

"David what's this?" I ask.

"It's a glass of milk for you sweetie." He says back to me.

"And you are giving me this because?" I say giving him that 'watch what you say right now' look.

"Because it's good for you and the baby needs it."

He wasn't paying attention and missed the warning sign I had just given him. I tried to warn him I really did. That was strike one, "thanks but no thanks."

"It's not going to kill you to drink a glass of milk." He says avoiding looking at me.

There is strike two, one more and he's out. "No but it might be detrimental to your health if I am forced to drink that." I move thru my kitchen pulling down a coffee mug.

"Caffeine is not good for the baby." He says.

I set the mug down on the counter, that was three and I could feel it coming now. At least this mood swing had a warning to it. "Oh yeah well considering the fact that I was going to have a cup of coffee but a cup of some DECAFINATED tea is not going to hurt the baby in any way shape or form. So unless you want me to shove that glass where the sun doesn't shine I suggest you back off."

The look on his face is priceless now as I amazingly feel so much better having said that. I do get the impression that he's not liking being on the receiving end of that one, but hey I tried to warn him. He's completely silent now and has stopped pushing me to drink the damn milk.

"You know you can talk." I find myself saying as I fix the tea and move over to sit down putting my feet up on the chair that is next to me. "This silence is freaking me out."

"Oh I can, are you sure about that I would hate to say something that is going to send you flying off your hormonal handle again."

Wow, he's short with me on that one. I would have stood up but that would have taken much more effort than I wanted to expend right now. I'm not sure what to say to him exactly on that one. He had a point but he didn't have to put it quite that way, I was sure that there were other ways that he could have said that. "Don't know what to tell you David on that one." I'm honest with him right now there's no other way that I can be. "I'm 8 months pregnant, working 12 hour shifts still, excuse me if I'm a little hormonal, right now it can't be helped, I have no control over it, seems like you had something to do with that too now didn't you?" Oops now there was more sarcasm that I thought there would be but hey I'm tired.

"You know what I was trying to do something nice for you and I don't think that I really need to stand here and have you yell at me, or snap my head off." He says moving out of the kitchen. "Call me when you decide to get your head out of your ass and be civil." He moves to put on his coat.

"Oh so then you don't want me to call you until after the baby is born then huh, cause that's when all these mood swings might let up." I look at him, "you know what I really wish you could have to deal with some of this, see that it's not as easy as it looks. Having someone living inside you is not a cakewalk."

"Oh come on you are just pregnant, you are not the first woman to have a baby and you are not going to be the last. So get off your high horse and stop bitching so much." He was being serious with me right now.

"Oh yes and that's what I was doing when I came home, I have done nothing but bitch since you first spoke to me tonight." I wanted to end this now before someone said something that couldn't be taken back, which was where it looked like we were headed if one of us didn't do something.

I opened my mouth to say something maybe along the lines of I'm sorry when it hit. This overwhelming feeling of pressure in back that wrapped around to the front. I hadn't thought much about the backache that I had been having all day thinking it was from working but when that hit I had this feeling inside me that this wasn't just any old backache. "David you might want to take your coat off and stay for just a little bit longer." I say rubbing the sides of my stomach thinking that it would go away.

He looks at me like I am nuts asking him to stay. "Why would I want to do something like that, so you can yell at me more?"

"No because I think that I might just happen to be in labor but I'm not sure yet, do you think that you might stay so that if that's what this I might not have to take the EL to County to have the baby?" I'm not trying to be mean but this does hurt just a little bit and I really don't want to have the baby on the EL.

"Erica what do you mean you think you might be but your not sure?" He says there's this panic-stricken look on his face.

"Just that I'm not sure," I look up at him, "what I've never done this before."

"You're a doctor you should know what labor is."

"It's easier to tell someone that they are in labor that for me to know if that's what this is." I am looking up at him, "come on what? Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean that I know everything, that's why I'm a resident. I'm an ER doc too not a... ohm that hurts that hurts."

"Okay if it is it is, if it's not then they will send you home." David says putting his arms underneath me and helping me to my feet. "Here put your arms in here." He helps me to get my coat on as I finish he turns everything in the kitchen off so that there's nothing that might burn, "okay come on baby." Our moods have changed as we head out the door, going from a couple that's fighting over nothing yet again, to a couple who actually are concerned about the other.