Warning: This contains some "bad language" and the Walter kid gets treated badly to say the least. It's also my first attempt at a parody, so it might suck. You have been warned.
Silent Hill 4: The Parody
It was two years ago that Henry Gownbent moved into room 302 of South Bashfield Heights, an apartment building in the medium-sized city of Bashfield. Henry was happy and enjoying his new life.
But five days ago, something strange happened. He began to have a non-sexual dream each night. One other thing ...
He couldn't get out of room 302 ...
---
Henry slowly got up from his bed and stared at his room, shocked. A gross red substance covered the walls. He hesitantly reached out, touched it with his index finger and then let his tongue sample the scarlet fingertip. "Ketchup. I thought so," he declared grimly.
The living room was in even worse condition. Ketchup, mustard, slices of cucumber and rat meat clung to every surface. "What's with this room? It's covered in junk food ingredients," Henry remarked. "This is my room ... but what the hell has happened to it?"
"hell" count: 1
"Oooh, picture book!" Henry eagerly picked up the book on his living room table, hoping it would star his number 1 role model, Winnie the Pooh. He was gravely disappointed.
"There once was a baby and a mother who were connected by a magical cord. But one day the cord was cut and the mother went to sleep. The baby was left all alone. But the baby made lots of friends at Wish-Wash House and everyone was oh-so-nice to him and gave him lots of candy and money to spend. The baby was hyper ..." Henry got bored with the book and tossed it away.
Suddenly, a weird black hole popped up on the wall and Ronald McDonald wriggled through it. The übercreepy clown slowly floated towards Henry, who shrieked like a little girl and collapsed.
(cue opening credits)
---
"Oh man ... What a dream," Henry said, sitting on his bed. The room looked normal again; gone were the numerous junk food ingredients and the horrifying ghost of Ronald McDonald.
The phone on the bedside table rang. "Hello?" Henry said after picking it up. An strange voice on the other end replied: "Is there a mr. Flabbybuttocks there? First name Kissmybig."
Henry yelled at the empty apartment: "KISSMYBIG FLABBYBUTTOCKS? IS THERE A KISSMYBIG FLABBYBUTTOCKS IN THE ROOM?"
Silence.
"I'm sorry, he isn't here right now," Henry told the person on the other end. The receiver emitted creepy white noise back at him. "The cord's cut," he noticed, then headed out into the living room only to discover that the front door was still chained up.
"Five days ago. That's when I first had the non-sexual dream. I haven't been able to get out of my room since then. My whole world has turned fruity. The door's chained up, the windows are sealed shut ... And on top of that, someone chained the door from the inside. The windows are sealed shut, too. The door even got chains on it. And the windows are sealed shut. As if that wasn't enough, the door's been chained from the inside. The windows are ..."
A/N: GET ON WITH IT, HENRY!
Our protagonist winced at the God-like voice that shouted at him from above. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A/N'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIC, IT'S SUE-ISH!" he admonished. The a/n voice did not retort.
"Anyway ... how am I going to get out of here?"
The words "Don't go out!!1 ;) Walter" appeared on the middle of the door. "What the hell?"
"hell" count: 2
"What's going on here?" Henry looked through the door's peephole at the corridor outside. There were several handprints on the wall and a young woman wearing a Powerpuff Girls t-shirt was picking up random crap and putting it in her nifty little paper bag. "That's Eileen Galling from next door."
Eileen paused to talk to herself: "Oh man. Better hope my luck changes before the party." She started walking down the corridor, but stepped on a banana skin and fell. Henry snickered. "Clumsy bitch ..."
Eileens face suddenly appeared right in front of the peephole. Henry bounced off the ceiling and landed in the chest. "HENRY! DID YOU JUST CALL ME CLUMSY?!" Eileen roared.
"Uh ... Henry isn't home right now."
"THEN WHO AM I TALKING TO?" Eileen demanded.
"Uh ... you're talking to ... err ... his parrot."
"Oh. What's your name?"
"Uhm .................................Polly."
"Right then," Eileen said and hopped merrily down the hallway.
"Whew, that was close. If I hadn't pulled that parrot out of my ass, she might have gotten really mad and tried to break down the door," Henry said, obviously proud of himself, and walked back to the door. Someone had stuck a letter under it:
Mummy, y don't u wake up??!!1 lol
"Damn, I hate it when people write like that. If I find the kid who wrote this, I am so kicking his ass." Henry then walked up to the bookshelf and examined an old-looking book that stuck out behind it.
Through the Ritual of the Holy Crapstuffing, he built a world. It exists in a space separate from that of our Lord. More accurately, it is a world within, yet without, but kinda within, and still without, though actually within the Lord's world. Unlike the world of our Lord, it is a world in extreme flux. Unexpected doors or walls, moving floors, queer creatures ... a world only he can control. Anyone swallowed up by that world will live there for eternity and haunt that realm as a spirit. How can our Lord forgive such a not-so-nice thing?
Henry tossed the book away, for he could not make head or tails of it. "What does flux mean? And how can a door or wall be unexpected? Have you ever seen a wall that made you say "WHOA! I sure wasn't expecting that! What an unexpected wall!" I don't THINK so."
Henry looked out his window and saw a rather bosomy woman standing at the subway stairs as if waiting for someone. She started skipping down the stairs, but stumbled and fell painfully out of sight. However, Henry's snicker was interrupted by a loud crash from his bathroom. After five seconds or so, the man finally reacted and turned in the direction of the noise. "What was that?"
It turned out that a hole had appeared in the bathroom wall. "What the hell?"
"hell" count: 3
"S-somebody there? ... I wonder if I can get into John Malkovich's head this way." Henry crawled head first into the hole and went through a looooong tunnel.
---
The huge escalator slowly slid downwards, Henry sitting on one of the steps. He looked around at the abandoned subway. "What the hell?"
"hell" count: 4
At the end of the hallway, the bosomy woman he had seen from his window turned around and asked: "Who are you? What's your name?"
"...whore..." Henry coughed out, then replied: "Henry. And you?"
"Huh? This is my dream and you don't even know my name? It's Hyacinth."
"Your ... dream ...?"
"That's right. This is just a dream. And a really non-sexual one, too. I hope I wake up soon."
"So you think this is your dream, huh?"
Hyacinth rolled her eyes. "For the millionth time, YES. And people say I'm slow ... Anyway, I wanna get outta here, but I can't find the exit. Say, will you help me find it? I'm kinda scared all alone. I'll give you my collection of Pokémon cards later ..."
Henry was not impressed. "Pokémon sucks, Dragonball Z is SO much cooler." He started doing a dumb dance while humming the Dragonball theme, but stopped when Hyacinth's knee connected with his groin. "SHUT UP AND GET ME OUTTA HERE, RETARD!" she commanded.
And so, a sulky Henry limped slowly through the hallway followed by a rather content Hyacinth. They soon stopped at the toilets. "Wait a minute," Hyacinth said, "I think I'm gonna puke."
Henry wondered why the hooker wanted to empty her stomach all of a sudden. "Hey, my ass doesn't look that nasty when I'm walking. It just ... wobbles a bit," he said as Hyacinth staggered into the restroom.
---
Five minutes later, Henry was still waiting in the hallway, wondering what he was going to do about that seemingly nauseating butt of his. Suddenly, the door to the men's room opened and a dead kitten flew out. Henry shrieked like a little girl while two more Sniffer Kittens walked out of the restroom and started feeding on the dead Sniffer Kitten with long pink proboscises hanging from between their cute little whiskers.
Indescribably horrified, Henry ran into the other restroom where Hyacinth had gone to vomit, but she was nowhere to be found. There was another hole in the wall at the back. "Where could this CRAAAZY hole lead to?" Henry mused and flew through a long tunnel back to his bedroom.
"Whaaat? Another dream ... But it seemed so real. Or could it be ... Was I really inside that whore's dream? No, that's just retarded. What am I thinking?" He could almost hear the ghost's voice from inside the wall: "Not much apparently..."
When he entered the living room, he immediately noticed that someone had moved the table in the corner. He straightened it and discovered a pistol on the floor. He also found something written on the wall:
Teh faint hope I had is slowly changing 2 despair!!1 Ive managed 2 tunnel this far but cant get further. Teh hallway, teh windows, teh walls ... It feels like this r00m is stuck in another dimension. That moron Eileen neva noticed.
Henry peeped through the hole that had been hidden behind the furniture. It turned out to give him a good view of Eileen's bedroom. The woman was sitting on her bed, looking for something. "Where did I put that fucking broom? ... Ah, there it is." She got up and grabbed the broom, then left the room. (RHYME!!!1)
The phone rang and Henry hurried into his bedroom to pick it up. It was Hyacinth: "Where did you go? Hurry, save me ... If you need a token, there's one here."
"What's a token?" Henry said, but Hyacinth just sighed resignedly and hung up. Henry went to the bathroom and jumped back in the Big Wild'n'Wacky Birth-Canal Slide. "Weeeeee!"
---
After encountering a creepy Hyacinth mannequin, several annoying ghosts and hooking up with the hooker again, Henry made his way through the trains, closely followed by Hyacinth. They found some mannequin parts lying on the seats. Henry's response to them all was ...
"hell" count: 7
But then, Henry entered a reddish room with yet another hole in the wall and Hyacinth was nowhere to be found. He shrugged and went down the ladder to a hellish area with walls that looked like they were made of flesh. After that, he entered a large station area with a huge monster called a Giant Penis hanging to his right.
The speakers emitted Hyacinth's voice: "Henry, I found the exit. Come to the turnstiles. Hmm, I'd better repeat that cos you're so retarded. HENRY, I FOUND THE EXIT. COME TO THE TURNSTILES ... It's him! He's coming!"
"Wait! What's a turnstile?"
Silence.
---
Henry had finally gotten past those evil, unrealistically long escalators and reached the turnstiles. He removed a "Nice Tits Placard" from the door and entered a blood-smeared room with Hyacinth lying on the floor in a crimson puddle.
"Whoa! This looks like a tampon commercial in very bad taste," Henry said.
"It's ... just ... a dream, right?" Hyacinth gasped.
"NOOO IF YOU DIE HERE YOU'LL DIIIIEEEE IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'RE GONNA DIE HYACINTH YOU'RE DYYYYIIIIING!!!" Henry yelled while flapping his arms dramatically.
"I think I ate too many funny mushrooms last night ... I never got to give you that Pokémon collection ... I feel like I'm dying ..." And so, Hyacinth finally died. The numbers 16121 were written on her chest with mustard.
---
Henry awoke to the sight of his bedroom fan spinning. "Hyacinth ... Man, what's that noise out there?"
"I think it's some ambulances and police cars," Man replied.
In the living room, the radio was emitting some guy's voice: "Hurry up and get that ambulance! Quit yappin' and move her already. Damn, she's got numbers written on her boob with mustard. I'm kinda hungry. I wonder if I could just lick ---" Static.
And so, Henry jumped back into the bathroom hole, which was getting bigger. Oooh. Spooky.
---
The forest was dark and damp, filled with eerie noises. Henry sat on a muddy path as a few budgies flew around above him. He stood and started walking, but was soon sprinting down the path, chased by swarms of bloodthirsty Killer Budgies. He noticed some stones that had weird crap written on them with lipstick, but he didn't have time to examine them.
"Whew." Henry had finally found a safe bird-free area. A guy with a very, very interesting haircut was sitting on a rock, stuttering: "So you came to investigate this stone, too?"
"No," Henry began, "I'm just here cause I got trapped in my apartment and this hole ---"
"There was another guy here before, a real nosy guy. But I was the one who found this stone first. In the old days, the natives called it Neckinhoney. They used it to make their necks smell like honey. And now, those guys are using it, too. Call it the 'BigMac' stone. They're just up ahead, in that weird building, operating some kind of crazy religious junk food restaurant-chain. They used to collect orphans and did things to 'em. Kinda gives you the chills, huh? This stone ..."
"What kinda gives me the chills, this stone or the orphanage?" Henry said, but Mr. Interesting Haircut ignored him.
Henry proceeded through the forest and reached the orphanage. A sign next to the doors said "McDonalds Smile Support Society – Wish-Wash House". He entered a yard with a big old house in the middle and some childish graffiti on the walls. "Those kids, they think they're so smart with all their stupid ugly graffiti," Henry muttered. "One day, I'm gonna go out and kill a lot of 'em!"
He went through yet another Being John Malkovich tunnel back to his apartment, where Eileen was ringing the doorbell and trying to look through the peephole. "There's something going on in this room," she declared as some middle-aged guy appeared behind her. He wore a pink silk shirt and a purple tie dotted with hearts and Christmas trees. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"I heard his parrot talking inside there, but I just remembered that parrots don't sound so human. So who could have been talking?"
Ricardo rolled his eyes. "Gee, I wonder if it could have been Henry?"
"Good point," Eileen replied. "Hey Ricardo, can you see anything from your window?"
"Everything looks pretty normal to me. The guy who lives here ... What's he like, anyway? Is he hot?"
"Yep, and I'll bet he's a virgin," Eileen said, snickering.
Henry pounded the door furiously. "OH YEAH?! WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR SEX-LIFE, EILEEN?! I'VE BEEN PEEPING ON YOU, AND YOU NEVER EVER GET LAID! HELL, YOU DON'T EVEN MASTURBATE! HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?!"
Sadly, the tenants in the corridor could not hear Henry's words of wisdom. "I'm gonna go call the super," Ricardo said and walked away. "Yeah, good idea," Eileen said and went back to her flat. "Morons," Henry mumbled and returned to the forest.
He soon entered a foggy graveyard with a little boy standing in the middle. "Hey, little boy," he said in his most pedophile-ish tone of voice, "what are you doing here?"
The boy remained silent and started picking his nose, voraciously devouring all the green gold he could dig out of the dark mine.
"Oh, so you're not gonna answer when someone asks you a question? Ya little retard, I'll bet you did all that lame-ass graffiti, too!" Henry produced the steel pipe from his trouser pocket and assumed his ass-kicking stance ...
But then, Mr. Interesting Haircut came walking out of nowhere. "You just had to ruin it, didn't you?" Henry said through gritted teeth.
"You're ... Finally, the Third Revelation! That nosy guy said it too, something big is gonna happen! Finally, it's gonna happen!" Mr. I.H. yelled, flapping his arms dramatically, and walked away. The little brat then ran off before Henry had a chance to beat him up. Poor Henry.
Back at the orphanage, Mr. IH was standing on the porch. Henry tried the door (locked). Mr. IH elaborated: "The door won't open. That nosy guy gave me something super. I could let you have it, but not for free. I'm sooo thirsty ... Oh, chocolate ... Oooh, chocolate ..." The guy sounded like he was having some sick kind of orgasm just thinking about chocolate. "You disgust me!" Henry yelled, flinging a bottle of chocolate milk at Mr. IH.
The bottle crushed IH's skull and he fell to the floor, unconscious. "Oh man, that was awesome!" Henry declared. "I know. That sucker had it coming," Man said and beamed at Henry, who was searching IH's pockets. He soon discovered a lipstick-inscribed spade.
After digging up a rusty key, Henry returned to the orphanage, where IH had regained consciousness. Henry cursed, unlocked the door and entered the house, followed by IH. A book was lying on the floor:
The First Sign. And God said: Offer the Burgers of the Ten Sinners and the Vanilla Ice Cream. Be then released from the bonds of the fat and gain the Power of Heaven. From the Darkness and Void, bring forth Gloom and gird thyself with Despair for the Giver of Stupidity. The Second Sign. And God said: Return to the Brat through sin's Nice Tits. Under the Peeping eye of the demon, wander alone in the formless Cacao.
Meanwhile, IH had walked into another room and gotten himself on fire. Henry snatched a "Brat Placard" with an image of an annoying baby, then ran in to see the chocolate-obsessed pervert get what he deserved. The numbers 17121 were written on IH's chest with mustard. "I finally met him! The one the nosy guy talked about - Ronald McDonald!"
---
"A special news report. In the forest near Silent Hill, the body of a 30-year-old burned male was discovered, yada yada, the numbers 17121 were written with mustard on the man's body, yada yada, the police are investigating links to the Walter Surlycan case ten years ago."
In the hallway, Frank Scanderlund (the superintendent) was knocking on the door to room 302.
(Sue-ish a/n: The name Scanderlund is property of Hometown. If you haven't already, go read The Reverse Will, tis funnier than this)
"Henry! Are you in there?" He tried unlocking the door, but to no avail. "That's strange, it's the right key. I'm sure I heard something in there ... Yeah, that sound. Tis the same as BACK THEN!" He flapped his arms dramatically, then strolled away.
Henry went back through the Wild'n'Wacky Birth Canal Slide and woke up in the water prison. "HEEELP! GET ME OUT! GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE! WALTER'S GONNA KILL ME! HELP! GET ME OUT!" some guy was repeating ad nauseam. Henry quickly found the door to the guy's cell and raised his gun: "If you don't shut up RIGHT NOW, ya big nasty lump of fat, that wall behind you is gonna get a brand new reddish colour. Got that?"
Silence.
---
After finishing an extremely tiresome puzzle involving enough valve-turning to make Valtiel cream his pants, Henry clambered down the ladder to find the fatass chatting with the little brat. When the brat saw Henry, he screamed like a little girl and ran off. "Dammit," Henry mumbled, then asked the fatass, "Who is that brat? And who are you?"
"His name's Walter, Walter Surlycan. I used to work at McDonalds' orphanage, watching the kids. I'm Andrew DeSaliva. They tried to make it seem like an orphanage, but according to that junk food-restaurant's holy scriptures, it was actually the center of their religion. That kid Walter ... He was really into that mumbo jumbo. Especially the part about the Descent of the Holy BigMac ... Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod," Andrew chanted as he left the room.
---
After jumping through enough dark holes to make James cream his pants, Henry finally found the kitchen and grabbed the "Peeping Tom Placard" from the wooden doors. He punched in the code 0123 and entered a torture room/interrogation room/death chamber/whatever. Andrew was lying on the water surface, the numbers 18121 written on his belly with mustard. Next to the corpse, the Grinder Girl was making her sparks and Hoolahoop Girl was dancing with numerous rings on, while the words IT FLOATS blinked in the middle and the audience applaused.
---
"How's it going with room 302?" Eileen asked the super.
"Well, I just tried to open it up, but it looks like something's blocking it from the inside," he explained. "Anyway, tis not the first time."
"You mean ... the guy who lived here before?"
"And it wasn't just him either. There's something WRONG with this WHOOOLE APARTMENT!!"
"Don't flap your arms like that, it looks stupid," Eileen said.
"Sorry. Anyway, I just slipped a note under his door. Don't worry about it too much. There are a lot of STRAAAANGE things in this world!" Frank stated, arms flapping dramatically again. "The umbilical cord I keep in a box in my room ... Lately, it's started to smell terrible."
"Huh? What does 'umbilical cord' mean?" Eileen said.
"Get a dictionary," Frank muttered and walked away.
---
"AAAAAAAAAAAH! ... Ouch. Dammit. Where the hell am I?"
"hell" count: 8
Ricardo got up from the grey asphalt and aimed his revolver at the figure in front of him, but smiled when he saw it was just Henry. "Ah, you're a real person - and hot, too." He stood and cool music started playing in the background. "Hey, you're the guy that lives across from me."
"Yeah, I'm Henry Gownbent."
"I'm Ricardo Braintree, from 2 --- Hey, what are you laughing at?"
Henry was rolling around on the asphalt: "BRAINTREE! BWAHAHAHAAA OH GOD I CAN'T BREATHE BRAINTREEEE OHMYGOD BRAINTREE WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?!"
Ricardo ignored the guffawing heap Henry had turned into. He looked around at the odd surroundings. "What the hell's happened to us?"
"hell" count: 9
"The hole, and this freaky world. But if you're here, too, then there must be something wrong with the whole apartment. That must explain what happened to that other guy, too."
Henry had finally stopped laughing and was standing again, but the occasional giggling still remained. "What other ...(giggle)... guy?"
"The guy who lived in 302 before you. A journalist. He disappeared one day," Ricardo explained. "He got pretty crazy towards the end ... Shut himself up in his room and wouldn't come out ... Anyway, I'm getting the hell outta here."
"hell" count: 10
To celebrate that the "hell" count had hit double digits, two fairly hot girls in bathing suits appeared from thin air and showered a dumbfounded Ricardo with money and pizzas. Then, they carried him off to the big "hell" count party at Heaven's Night.
"Wait! Watch out for that kid!"
"Oh, shut up Henry," Ricardo laughed as he and the girls jumped into a UFO and flew off to Silent Hill.
And so, Henry made his way through the building world. At one point, he had to examine some shelves in a pet-store and remarked: "It's enough food for an army of cats."
(A/N: An ARMY of CATS? What kind of thing is THAT to say?!)
---
Henry felt a slight jolt as the elevator began its descent. He sighed and leaned against the grating. On the way down, he saw many bizarre things like blood-smeared fans spinning ludicrously fast, a head-twitching guy turning valves and a cat-army eating enough catfood for an army of cats.
Meanwhile, in another lift, Ricardo Braintree had just been dropped from the sky by Mr. Deus Ex Machina, who had dragged him out of Heaven's Night and flown him back to the building world in his plot-fixing helicopter, for Mr. Braintree had a cutscene to star in. "Are you the kid he was yelling about? You live in that apartment, too, huh? Say, you look a lot like a little punk I once caught picking his nose in there."
Walter the Punk-Brat immediately pulled his finger out of his nostril. He had a bad feeling about this.
"Did you wipe off the nose pickings on my flat's doorknob?!"
Walter screamed like a little girl and ran away. Ricardo gave chase: "HEY! HEY, PUNK! STOP! I JUST WANNA SHOVE THIS REVOLVER UP YOUR NOSTRIL AND PULL THE TRIGGER, THAT'S ALL!"
---
Scant of breath from running up the apotheosis of all stairwells, Henry took the "Cacao Placard" from a door with the numbers 207 and entered Ricardo's room. The tenant was being electrocuted in his own chair while Walter stood at the window and wiped off some nasty nose pickings on the pane, then vanished into thin air. The numbers 19121 were written with mustard on Ricardo's forehead.
There was a big white cord going from the chair to an outlet at the bottom of the wall. "S-s-switch i-i-it off-f-f Henr-r-r-y ..." Ricardo stuttered. "S-switch it o-o-off ..."
"Switch what off?" Henry asked, even though he had seen the cord and outlet before Ricardo had said anything about switching it off.
"F-f-f-uck y-y-y-you ..."
---
"Looks like another one, captain. Got ... 1...121 ... on his head. It's just like that case from ten years ago. Yeah, that Walter Surlycan case. But Surlycan's dead, they even got the body. Must be some CRAAAAZY copycat. Yeah, but even so ..."
The radio switched off and Henry looked out his window. At the window in Braintree's flat, there was a guy wearing a pink bathrobe and with his blonde hair tied in two long braids. Henry retched for a while, then jumped back in the Wild'n'Wacky Birth Canal Slide.
"This looks like my apartment. What the hell is this?"
"hell" count: 11
---
When he returned to his "real" apartment, Henry heard a metallic noise coming from the storage room and examined the dryer in there: "What the hell is this?"
"hell" count: 12
"The dryer sprayed blood all over the place. Oh well, no big deal," he muttered and went back to the main entrance to grab the porn magazines he had found in room 301 and slipped under his door in the apartment world. He then retired to the bedroom to drool over the magazines and masturbate a little. Alas, he found a Doll Key next to his bed and the author forced him to go back to the apartment world and witness Eileen's near-death scene.
"Stupid fanfic-geek won't let a man have some fun," Henry grumbled and unlocked 303's door. Eileen lay on the floor with the numbers 20121 written on her back with mustard. The nose-picking punk-brat Walter Surlycan towered over her. "Hey punk, did you find your mommy? This place ... It's dangerous. I hope you stay here and get killed," were Eileen's last words before she lost consciousness and Henry collapsed as if this was a big depressing shock for him. Yeah right.
---
"So they took the victim to St. Jerome's?"
"Yeah, she's not gonna make it. She had numbers on her back, too. Walter Surlycan Copycat, Round Three, huh?"
"Well, they never got the scumbag behind Round Two a few years back. Maybe it's the same guy."
"But what if 1, 2 and 3 – what if they're all the same guy?"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"hell" count: 13
"You know Surlycan killed himself. The weird thing is ... there were no clues. Crime scenes were always spotless. No fingerprints, no fibres, nothing. Just the mustard. 20121. Now I've been eating mustard for a long time, but I never tasted a mustard like this one. Anyway, it's almost like ... like they were killed by someone who's really good at not leaving clues or something!"
At the front door, Henry found a succubus card and a scrap of red paper: "I'm scared!!!11 Walter is teh powerful. I wuz sooo scared 2day I sealed off teh back of teh storage r00m!!1 I wonder if Eileen Galling is ok. She's a complete moron and doesn't know anything. But she's in danger nevertehless."
And so, after solving an extremely easy puzzle with the four placards he had found in the first four worlds, Henry jumped through the new hole in his storage room and went through another Wild'n'Wacky Birth Canal Slide.
---
He awoke in a hospital room. The silhouette of someone with long hair was moving behind a curtain, panting heavily. "Oooh, girl-on-top porn!" Henry exclaimed and peeked behind the curtain only to discover Walter messing with a demon's intestines. Henry screamed like a little girl and ran out.
---
The 2nd floor hallway was filled with evil wheelchairs, but the rooms were even weirder. "What the hell? I can see legs hanging from the bottom of the cloth." "What the hell is this long thing? Some kind of umbilical cord?" "Oh man, that stinks like hell. What ... the hell ... is it?"
"hell" count: 17
Finally, Henry entered the right room and found Eileen sleeping on the bed. She awoke and started screaming in panic.
"EILEEN! SHUT UP!"
And so she did. "Y-y-you're Henry ... from next door," she stuttered softly. "What are you doing here?"
"I don't know where to start," Henry replied. "There was this funny birth canal slide ... I saw underdeveloped characters getting killed, all these weird other worlds – and I saw you get attacked, too."
Eileen frowned. "What're you talking about? I'm supposed to believe that?"
"But it's true! And there was a vexing little punk with you ..."
"I remember now. I was getting ready to go to a strip club—ERR, I mean a friend's party," Eileen said, blushing. "That boy didn't do anything to protect me from the man with the pink bathrobe ... Stupid brat. What is this place, anyway?"
"I don't know either. But I do know that if you get killed here, you die in the real world, too. Kinda ripped off from The Matrix and Nightmare on Elm Street, wouldn't you say? Anyway, the only way out of here is through that hole," Henry informed the woman.
Eileen rose from the bed. "Okay. TAKE ME ---"
Henry beamed at hearing Eileen's order. This was too good to be true!
"--- with you."
The smile vanished from Henry's face and was replaced by a look of deep frustration as he led her back to the hallway. From the other end, two disturbing creatures were approaching. Henry clutched his axe as the monstrosities marched up to them, towering over the humans majestically, profoundly horrifying symbols of authority and ...
"BURP!"
For a splitsecond, Eileen and Henry stood completely still, eyes wide with disbelief in the sound the demon had just made. Then, their laughter echoed throughout the hallway as they hyperactively poked the monsters, laughing even louder each time they heard another burp. The monsters started crying and ran off, deeply wounded by the humans' fearlessness and disrespect.
Ten minutes later, Henry and Eileen had recovered somewhat from their fit of laughter and could wander down to the first floor, where our protagonist tried to lead Eileen into the tunnel.
---
Eileen hadn't been there when he woke up in the flat. The ceiling fan had fallen down, the air felt oppressive and the TV was showing crappy McDonalds commercials. Fortunately, the crappiness got weaker and finally stopped after Henry had placed a holy candle in front of the screen. He then got a small key that had been slipped under his door and headed back to the hospital.
"Henry!" Eileen started hitting the poor guy with her handbag: "NEVER – EVER - LEAVE - ME – ALONE – HERE – AGAIN!"
"Have you been here the whole time?" Henry said.
Eileen rolled her eyes. "No, I've been in Hawaii. OF COURSE I'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE, RETARD! And I didn't see any hole either – you just disappeared all of a sudden! I can't stay here by myself, I'll die laughing if one of those demons burps again ... What am I gonna do?"
"I might know of a way to save you," Henry said. "Do you know a guy named Joseph?"
"Yeah, he was the guy who lived in your apartment before you. I think he was a journalist. He disappeared one day ..."
"Oh shut up, Eileen. The other characters already told me about him and I've read it in millions of memos. Anyway, I got a letter from him. He told me to go down. Down into the deepest part of him. And to look for ... the ULTIMATE TRUTH. Let's do that. There must be SOMETHING down there!"
"God, that's a cheesy line," Eileen replied, "but I'll stick with you because Konami wants an annoying NPC to follow the main character around."
"Great!" Henry skipped merrily out of the room. The duo went through the hallway, down some Burping Demon-filled stairs and entered a weird, mist-shrouded spiral-staircase. Eileen suddenly became possesed and started hitting herself with the handbag, while the evil spirit yelled "STOP HITTING YOURSELF, STOP HITTING YOURSELF!" Henry ignored this and went through a hole back to his flat to pick up the subway coins, for he would need them soon. While he was home, he placed a candle in front of the phone to make it stop saying "I'm always farting in your direction."
---
And so, our protagonists made their way through the "2nd time" worlds. At one point, Henry encountered Walter the punkbrat in the forest. "Are you ... Walter Surlycan?" he asked.
"Oh, for crying out loud, haven't you been paying ANY attention to the memos and cutscenes? YES, I'M WALTER SURLYCAN. But I don't really have a name, or a home either."
"What about a mom or dad, or someone else who would notice if you went missing?" Henry said, secretly planning to drown him in the lake here. For one thing, Adult Walter would die and the nightmare would end. Besides, that dumb brat deserved it.
"I do have parents, actually ... but I never met 'em. They left South Bashfield Heights right after I was born. But soon I'll get to see my mum!"
"Do you know where she is?"
"Yeah, of course. Right where I was born. Lots of people tried to stop me, but they've been brutally murdered now," the boy said, beaming at the thought. "I gotta go, Konami can't think of anymore dialogue for this scene!" Walter ran off.
---
Henry and Eileen stepped into the spiralling corridor of the water prison and were greeted by the ghost of Andrew DeSaliva. His shirt was missing, rendering his fat belly naked for the whole world to see. He floated above their heads, singing a horrible song that made you want to do a Van Gogh and cut your ears off just to avoid hearing this aural torture: "No one knooows what it's liiike ... To be the saaad man ... To be the baaad man ... Behind blue eyes ..."
"DIE EDDIE DIIIIEEEEE!" A blond guy wearing blue jeans and a green jacket suddenly came running, cleaved Andrew with a huge butcher's knife and jumped through the wall while yelling something about having killed a human being and whether Mary really died three years ago.
Henry and Eileen looked at each other for a moment, Eileen shrugged, Henry took Andrew's key and they went back to the large basement hall with the Giant Penis creatures jumping around the water wheel. Henry unlocked the door and they stepped into a huge hallway. At the other end, about seven Baby Faces were pointing their fingers at our protagonists.
Henry whispered something to Eileen, she chuckled and nodded. Then they sprinted up to the Baby Faces and pulled their pointing fingers. All the monsters instantaneously farted and collapsed, dead. "Wow! It actually worked! You're smarter than you look, Henry," Eileen said as they exited the prison and went down another spiral stairway.
---
The building world was filled with bizarre noises and slimy slugs. Our heroes found themselves stalked by Ricardo Braintree's ghost. Henry had now left Eileen in the elevator and was exploring a narrow alley. In a room ahead, Punk-Brat Walter was talking with the guy Henry had dubbed Hippie-freak Walter because of his long hair. "I'm going to see my mum, stay outta my way! Who are you, anyway?" Punk-Brat Walter said.
"My name's Walter Surlycan," Hippie-freak Walter replied. "It's time to complete the 21 Sacraments."
"But that's my name ..."
Henry chuckled. "His name's It's-time-to-complete-the-21-Sacraments?! What a dumb name."
"And what are the 21 Sacraments?" Punk-Brat Walter asked.
"You'll know soon enough. Well, let's go and see mother!" Hippie-freak Walter roughly grabbed the kid and carried him off. "Weeeee, I'm flyyyyying!" the kid squealed. The adult Walter rolled his eyes and rammed the boy's head into a wall to make him shut up.
"Damn!" Henry burst out as the two Walters disappeared behind a corner. "Stupid hippie-freak ... At least I have good taste," he said, smoothing his brown hair smugly, and walked off to put a cue ball on a billiard table (yes, Konami had indeed run out of decent puzzles).
---
Finally, Henry and Eileen left the building area and entered an immense hall with a black pit in the middle. Huge Wall Men were lowered from the ceiling and began to strike out at our hero and heroine. They ran to the other end where Henry tried the door, which proved to be locked and had a message carved on it: "To reach the deepest part, you must defeat the One Truth. Do so and this door will open. Have fun!"
"Er ..." Henry looked back at the menacing Wall Men. He was supposed to fight these things? "No way," he muttered and split the door with his pickaxe. "YAY!" Eileen ran after the guy to another spiral staircase. "Thank God you're so good at avoiding boss fights, Henry! Otherwise we would surely be dead now."
At the bottom of the stairway, they entered "Room 302 of the past", where Henry checked out the Pink Tome lying on a table: "That which is called the Holy Bigmac be not holy one whit. The Descent of the Holy Bigmac be naught but the Descent of the Devil. Yada yada yada, use the umbilical cord and spears to pwn Walter at the end."
In the bedroom, Henry found another red scrap of paper: "What's with this room? It's covered in junk food ingredients. This is my room, but what the hell has happened to it? This room, is it really my room? Creepy, it looks like Ronald McDonalds ... What the hell am I writing?"
"hell" count: 19
They went back to the living room. "It's him!" Eileen said, noticing the dark figure of Joseph Scheisser hanging from the ceiling.
(Sue-ish a/n: Joseph's original last name, Schreiber, means "writer" in German. Scheisse means "shit".)
"You have done well to make it this far," Joseph said in his best imitation of Darth Vader. "Let me tell you about him ... Walter Surlycan. When he was a little punk, he began to believe that my apartment was actually his birth mother. At McDonalds' orphanage, he learned of the 21 Sacraments, the only way to purify her. He decided to free her from the junk food of this world. Well, he's dead now, but he's still trying to complete the 21 Sacraments. His boyhood desire to pick his nose has divided him. Now his child self has manifested itself in this world. And soon, he's planning to complete the 21 Sacraments. Number 20 ... The mother reborn ... Eileen Galling. Number 21 ... the receiver of stupidity ... Henry Gownbent. Even now, it may not be too late. The Pink Tome. Obey the Pink Tome. Obey. Marry and reproduce. Big Brother is watching you. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. Ki--"
The bullet plunged into Joseph's jaw and continued through his neck. The room fell silent.
"Phew, he sure was annoying," Henry stated, lowering his pistol.
---
Back in room 302 of the present, Henry walked up to the wall between the doors to his toilet and bedroom. In room 302 of the past, he had found a pickaxe with the word "Poke" written on it. He now pulled this Pickaxe of Poke out of his pocket and poked the wall with it.
-CRASH-
An oval hole appeared in the wall and Henry stepped through into the hidden room, where a powerful stench of junk food made him feel nauseous. Walter was hanging crucified over a black hole in the floor. The numbers 11121 were written on his feet with mustard. His body was tangled up in an impressive umbilical cord and his face smothered in ketchup and mustard.
The corpse was incredibly overweight. His belly had been transformed into a huge, disgusting lump of fat. This was undoubtedly where he had completed the Ritual of the Holy Crapstuffing by eating all the burgers he had snatched from his first ten victims. Henry shuddered at the thought as he examined the black coat and found the Keys of Liberation. A huge knife lay on the table next to Walter – examining it, Henry said: "What the ... What the hell was Walter doing in here?"
"hell" count: 20
Back at the front door, he used the keys to remove the chains and the door creaked open. In the hallway outside, everything had gone Otherworldly. "No way. Not. Here. Again," Henry said. "WHY CAN'T I JUST FACE THE FINAL BOSS ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH?!"
---
In the first floor west wing, our protagonist had to find six bodies hanging from the ceiling in straightjackets. Each time he found one, Walter's father's voice would echo throughout the place: "Oh be quiet! It's not my fault the VCR couldn't tape the last five minutes of Teletubbies."
"My dear adorable little son."
"Get packed? Whadda you mean, get packed? But we can't just leave him here, he's so cute ..."
"I told you we should have a cute little baby, didn't I?"
"Anyway, I don't want to leave. It's so nice and clean here."
"If that super hears him, we're in trouble. There's something about that guy, I just don't like elderly people."
In the lobby, Henry found Eileen in the middle of the hall holding Walter's sketchbook with the crappy drawing of his father. "That stupid serial killer," she grumbled. "We wouldn't be in this crazy world if he hadn't gone nuts with this 21 Sacraments crap. We've got to kick his ass, Henry."
In the super's room, Henry picked up the small orange box. "You know, we could have avoided this whole part of the game if you had just taken that box the first time around," Eileen said. Henry removed the lid. Sure enough, a little umbilical cord was inside, although it looked more like a dead earthworm. Henry got a headache and fell to his knees.
"She is nearly here. Just accept it, Henry! The pain will disappear! Oh, I've been waiting so long for this," Eileen said.
"Wrong lines, moron," Henry groaned.
"Oh, right. I mean: It's Walter. He's crying. Even finishing the 21 Sacraments ... It won't help that punk. We're the only ones who can stop him. I'm going back to the room where he is." Eileen skipped cheerfully out of the super's room and down the hallway.
Henry followed her to room 302, where Walter's crapstuffed corpse had somehow vanished and only a black depression was left below the cross. Henry jumped in and woke up floating in a reddish womb-like hall.
"Oooh, this is FUN! Weeeee!" Henry weightlessly levitated around the room and was about to try masturbating here when the author forced him to go save Eileen.
The arena of the final boss-fight looked immense and surreal. A metallic, spiked gyroscope spun around in the middle of a pool of ketchup and mustard. A giant fetus at the edge of the hall was roaring, held back by numerous wires and tubes. Eileen stood on a catwalk above, with an eerily empty facial expression. Hippie-freak Walter was there, too, smiling his usual retarded smile.
"MOM! MOM! LET ME IN!" Punk-Brat Walter's voice echoed through the hall.
Hippie-freak Walter raised his arms as if hugging a tree. "Hey there little Walter, just a little longer now ... Henry, you're it." Behind him, Eileen started walking down the catwalk. "The last of the 21 Sacraments. The Final Sign. The Receiver of Stupidity."
"What does "Receiver" mean?" Henry asked.
Walter rolled his eyes and ran towards Henry with his spear and pistol raised. But Henry pulled out the umbilical cord and dangled it triumphantly in front of Walter, who skid to a halt, eyes widening.
"AHA! I have finally discovered your cryptonite!" Henry said and started stuffing the cord into the petrified Walter's nostril.
"HENRY, YOU DUMBASS!" Eileen yelled from the catwalk. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO USE IT AGAINST THE CONJURER'S TRUE BODY!"
"What's a conjurer?"
"JUST USE IT AT THE BIG NASTY THING BEHIND YOU, MKAY?!" Eileen's right foot had just reached the first step of the stairway leading down to the gyroscope pool and she sounded more than a little panicky.
"Oh, I get it," Henry ran to the giant slimy fetus and flung the cord into his mouth. The fetus screamed like a little girl.
"What now?" Henry said.
"FIRST, YOU GOTTA TAKE ALL THE SPEARS!" Eileen commanded, now at the middle of the stairway.
Miracolously, the word "spears" turned out to be part of Henry's vocabulary and he gathered the weapons, pulling them out of the bodies to gross "schlurp" sounds. "NOW STICK 'EM INTO THE BIG NASTY THING!" Eileen instructed.
Henry pierced the fetus' flesh with the eight spears and the skies surrounding the arena turned dark red. Walter collapsed, but was soon back on his feet. "What do I do now, Eileen?"
But there was no reply, for Eileen's mouth had sunk into the pool of ketchup and mustard. Henry had to do something quick, or she would either drown or get crushed by that crazy gyroscope. Walter laughed and took aim with his pistol.
And then, Henry realized what he had to do.
He grabbed Walter's hair and pulled.
Walter dropped his weapons, screamed in agony and squirmed pathetically as Henry pulled the hair around, sending Walter's body flying around and slamming onto the floor repeatedly. Henry soon let go of the blonde strands and watched as Walter reached up a hand and said: "Mom ... mom ..." Then the hand fell to the floor and the man's eyes glazed over.
---
In the third floor hallway of South Bashfield Heights, Punk-Brat Walter was still knocking on room 302's door. "Mom! Let me in! I'm not an encyclopedia salesman, just let me in already! Moooom!"
Suddenly, the boy collapsed. "Oh great. Adult Walter must have gotten himself killed. I hate that man," he muttered before vanishing into thin air.
---
Outside South Bashfield Heights, Henry limped away from the building, breathing heavily and holding his right arm. He was obviously wounded and had just escaped from a nightmare he would never forget. When he felt he had a safe distance between him and the apartment, he stopped walking and uttered a single word: "McDonalds ..."
The day after
Henry stepped into Eileen's hospital room carrying two BigMacs and some french fries. "Awww, thanks," Eileen smiled. "Guess I'll have to find a new place to live, huh?" Henry nodded absent-mindedly, busy gobbling up his burger.
---
A/N: Final "hell" count: 20. Silent Hill 4 belongs to Konami. BigMacs, creepy clowns and crappy commercials belong to McDonalds. Pokémon and Dragonball Z belong to someone in Japan. "Will it float?" belongs to David Letterman. Farting in people's general directions belongs to Monty Python. "Behind blue eyes" belongs to The Who and Limp Brickshit. The phrases "Obey" and "Marry and reproduce" are from John Carpenter's "They Live". "Big Brother is watching you" is from Orwell's "1984". The Teletubbies belong to complete psychopaths in the childrens' TV business. Thank you for reading this far without getting an axe and smashing your computer in a fit of unspeakable rage. –E.P.O.
...what the hell?