Chapter 4 – Ginny

That hurt. That really hurt. For someone whom you think about every second of the day to do that to you, the pain is unimaginable. Ginny knew that for Harry it had been simple; he wanted to talk to Ron and Hermione, so he departed to find them. For her it was so much more.

The boy she loved had just openly expressed a desire to be somewhere other than with her. Maybe he hated her, maybe stupid things she did got on his nerves, maybe he had never even liked her, maybe he despised her maybe he...

Ginny scolded herself. She was reading too much into it. He simply wanted to be with his friends, that was all.

All of a sudden the common room was too loud for her. She could not face the shame of sitting there. She rose quickly from her seat; intent on finding somewhere quiet to sit. While she walked she panicked about what had just happened. People could have been watching; maybe someone noticed the pain in her eyes; maybe someone noticed her feel her wrist uneasily. Slowly she lifted the sleeve of her thick black robe; a grotesque pattern of scars lay on her left wrist. She examined them, the old ones, now familiar to her, and then the fresh ones, dark streaks of pain embedded in her skin; a constant reminder of pain, suffering, lust, self hate. Ginny knew she wasn't good enough. Why didn't Harry love her? What was wrong with her?

These thoughts had chased each other round her brain since she was eleven years old. Sometimes they faded, sometimes she wondered why she was being so ridiculous, and she almost managed to convince herself that she was not unhealthily obsessed with the boy. Almost.

But why would he love her? How could he? She didn't consider herself pretty; if she was pretty, he would have fallen in love with her by now. There were pretty girls whom she saw him looking at. A picture of Cho Chang burst into her head without warning. She has seen them together. She had seen it the first time they kissed.

All of a sudden Ginny realised that she had forgotten her wand. Cursing herself for being so stupid she turned around and opened the door to the Room of Requirement. The sight she saw made her heart stop dead. Her blood turned cold with jealousy. For, there, standing before her, was the love of her life. He was kissing another girl.

Ginny remembered running down the corridor crying. She remembered sitting in an empty classroom for Merlin knows how long. She remembered running back to retrieve her wand, and, with a pang, she remembered what had happened next.

It was not often that one saw a beautiful girl running down the corridors of Hogwarts weeping. Consequently, when this painful sight met his eyes, Michael Corner could not help but go after her. He vaguely knew Ginny Weasley; he had certainly looked at her before. Occasionally he had watched her in lessons, she somewhat enticed him, and he didn't know why.

Forgetting that he should have returned to the Ravenclaw common room a while ago, he followed the sobbing redhead into a Charms classroom.

"Ginny?"

"Michael!" The girl squeaked. She didn't think anyone had seen her.

"What's wrong?" He looked genuinely concerned,

"Nothing, I I I'm fine." She hurriedly wiped the tears away from her ace in an attempt to look vaguely cheerful. She failed.

"Erm, do you want to talk about it?" Like many boys his age, Michael was at a loss when girls cried. He did, however, recall that girls liked to talk about things.

"No, thank you. But thanks for asking." She knew he didn't really want to talk about it, and she would have rather died than done so.

"Oh, right." He hoped his patent relief didn't show. She smiled.


 There was a long silence. Eventually he went to sit down beside her. A silent tear rolled down her face; Michael gingerly wiped it away.

Ginny jumped as he touched her face. He smiled, and turned her face towards his. Ginny's heart was hammering fast; she prayed that he wouldn't hear it. She had never kissed anyone before, and was sure she'd get it wrong. Thoughts raced round her brain, she felt dizzy. Suddenly his lips were coming towards her. She could do nothing but stay still.

His lips touched hers lightly. He pulled back and looked at her. She could make no movement, she attempted a smile, but all that happened was one side of her mouth turning up slightly at the end. Michael laughed. He kissed her again. This time properly. Ginny wasn't sure if she liked it or not; it was... strange. They kissed for a small amount of time (Michael obviously seemed to be enjoying it and she didn't want to break it off) until Michael remembered what time it was.

"Shit, babe, we had better be getting back."

All Ginny could do was nod. She had the distinct impression that she looked like a mildly surprised fish. The word 'Babe' echoed in her head. She thought it was a terribly odd thing to say, but assumed it was the thing to do.

Michael walked her to the common room, and kissed her at the end of the corridor.

"Same place, 7 o'clock tomorrow. Be there."

Ginny nodded yet again, and walked down the corridor in a daze. She entered the common room and ran straight up to the shower room. She had not forgotten what she had seen Harry doing. It hurt like hell. Her insides were stinging. What had she been doing kissing that other boy? She thought this as she silently ran an old pocket knife down the inside of her arm. It dug in hard, and the blood started running. She hated herself for kissing the other boy. The long hard tears in her skin were starting to sting, and she could no longer cut herself.

She sat there thinking for hours. She decided that she would see Michael again. Why the fuck not? Harry was obviously too involved with Cho to ever even notice her. And, maybe this would make him jealous. If he did have feelings for her, this might trigger them. She could kiss Michael and think of Harry, imagine Harry's lips touching her in this same way. Imagine Harry showing her the passion which Michael could. She didn't know what to do; she loved Harry; what if Harry had intended on finally admitting that he loved her back on this night? She could not let Harry find out about herself and Michael yet, she could not let anyone find out yet. She considered this thought for a second; her mind kept turning over, and suddenly opposite thoughts to the ones which she had been contemplating a second before would swallow her attention. What was she to do? One minute she was convinced that Harry hated her; the next minute she was wondering if he had felt the same way as her for these past years. It wasn't impossible, was it?

She continued these manic thoughts all night; all the while blood flowing freely from her flawless white skin.

Ginny remembered the midnight meetings with Michael well. She was sure she had never felt anything more than untamed sexually frustrated lust for the boy, and he her. She only ever wanted Harry; wincing she remembered how she used to think of Harry when she and Michael kissed, when they touched, and, regrettably, when they had sex. For it had been Michael who had taken Virginia's Virginity, it shouldn't have been, but it was. He wasn't a bad boy, but Ginny doubted he had ever really cared for her. At the time Ginny didn't mind; she figured she was going to have sex sometime, why not make it now? So she had done it, and had thought of Harry all the way through. That night she had been depressed. She had drunk too many shots of Fire whiskey, and her senses had dulled somewhat.

She and Michael had split up a few weeks after that night; Ginny hadn't been upset, she had never felt anything real for him.

BAM

"Jesus, watch out, Gin!"

Ginny had walked smack bang into Ron, Hermione and Harry. Ginny quickly shook her arm so that her sleeve covered her scars.

"Sorry, didn't see you."

"Gin... we were right in front of you."

"Yeah..." Ginny replied; she had a vacant expression on her face. The only thing she could think about was to avoid Harry's eyes. She could feel them boring into her; she knew he thought her peculiar.

"Right, well, bye, Gin."

Ginny walked off without saying anything, Hermione, Ron and Harry watched her back disappear round a corner, and walked away.

Whilst wandering aimlessly about the school, Ginny decided something; she must try and stop loving Harry. Although it pained her to admit it, he did not love her, and he never would.

Ginny returned to the common room that night intent on walking straight past Harry without a second glance. It worked that time, and she managed it, but, as she reached the top of the Girls' staircase, and turned around to watch him for a second, she felt a sinking feeling deep inside herself. Was she ever going to be able to refrain from thinking about the boy?

Thanks for the review, Nat. I took your advice. I was wondering about doing it before; I hope it's easier for you lot to read now.

I know that things don't happen in that exact order in Order of the Phoenix with Michael, but I changed it to fit my story, which was a bit naughty. I hope you liked the flashback. Keep reviewing, please.

Nine Alternatives.