A/N Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed. Honestly, it means so much to me. Funny though how something intended to be a one shot can evolve because of a few encouraging reviews. I'd thank everyone individually but I'm rather pressed for time right now so sorry if I missed you. All of your reviews are a joy and mean a lot to me.
dana1313: Am I a Terra hater? Yes and no. I hate that she betrayed them and I feel sorry for her because she seemed to be a lost girl fallen into the charms of Slade, who she felt could give her what she needed, though nothing is worth sacrificing your friends over. (Keep in mind though that I havn't seen any episode past "Betrayal" since I can't watch TV anymore) She's definately not one of my favourite characters though, I can tell you that.
audi katia: Love the roses. Thanks a bunch for the CC on this story. I agree with your points about dialogue, but in my defense the point of this story is to show the side of Raven we never see, without making her go out of character, ie: her thoughts. I think what goes through her head doesn't always coincide with how she comes across. And considering how she feels, her thoughts would be jumbled and confusing. We're supposed to feel confused right along with her, or at least that's my goal. Anyway, I've taken in what you said in consideration so hopefully this chapter is better. Always love CC, that's why I'm here so thanks a bundle. (Side note: You asked if you could use a line in my poem "Hide and Seek" a while ago. I'm honoured that it inspired you so go ahead and use it, so long as credit is given when credit is due. Sorry I took forever to get back to you on that.)
SuperheroPajamaGirl: I will see about the tenses when I get the chance, thanks for pointing it out. I'm so glad to hear you are enjoying this. Thanks for the reviews! BTW, a Terra/pointy stick ship would be very interesting....
Ravens-Despair: Your penname sums up this story. Fun. I'm so glad you thought so, I mean, I find it so hard to acurately portray Raven since she's so hidden.
Crisis Haylo: I love BB/Rave moments myself. I'm glad you liked that scene. Tears of blood...eeps, I hope there's a cure. LOL:P
Spaz23: Thanks for the review, I'm pleased that you like the detail. I like good detail myself so it makes me happy when people think I have good detail in my stories.
Everyone Else: Thanks a bunch for the reviews, they mean so much to me.
One more note, I hope that it is clear that everything in italics is Raven's thoughts. This is supposed to be entirely her POV (even though it is written 3rd person) so...yeah. I hope it's not too repetitive, scattered and confusing but then again, that's kind of the point since that's how Raven is supposed to feel. Does that make sense? Anyway I didn't have much time to proofread this chapter (I was so anxious to upload ) so forgive any typos or whatever. If it turns out to be too bad, I will fix it later.
Enjoy!!
The morning everything changed Raven woke up with a strange feeling. Her heart was heavy, her mind was so crowded with scattered thoughts, mostly about Beast Boy and Terra and the fact that she was not the one he liked. She hated herself for feeling that way, she wasn't supposed to feel that way, but it didn't change the fact. But she was also filled with the uneasy thought that Terra might not be the girl everyone thought she was, but Raven forced herself to dismiss the thought. You're just jealous. She has given us no reason not to trust her. She sighed and hoped that Terra would be good to Beast Boy and give him everything Raven couldn't ever possibly give.
During her meditation session that morning she decided that leaving would be the wisest choice. There was no way she could keep her emotions contained much longer, not the way her heart would melt with quiet giddiness when she saw him, not the way her blood would boil with loathing when she saw Terra, not the way her soul would feel so heavy with longing when she saw them together. She had secretly destroyed half the breakable things in her room because of her unrequited crush. So far it only happened when she was trying to meditate, usually as she was trying to get herself into a trance.
No one even seemed to notice the secret battle she was having with herself, with her giddy, angst-ridden, frivolous side, the side she hated so much. She had managed so far to keep it hidden and she hoped that it would forever stay that way. But at this rate, the way things were going, it was only a matter of time before she'd reach her breaking point, before her secret would come out and she would become a threat to those she loved.
"Robin," Raven said quietly, "Can I talk to you?" She stopped the leader as he was on his way to the living room. She gently placed her hand on his shoulder.
He seemed surprised as he turned around to face her, like he had been deep in thought himself and she had startled him. "Sure, what is it?" He asked. "Is something wrong?"
Raven hesitated, "Yeah um... do you think we can speak somewhere private?" She didn't want to risk having someone listen in as she requested to take a leave of absence. Especially since she wasn't sure how long she would need, or even if she would come back. She had a lot of soul searching to attend to, and not just because of Beast Boy and Terra; there was so much on her shoulders to begin with. Even if she never had fallen for Beast Boy, even if he had never fallen for Terra, Raven realized that eventually she would grow tired, tired of fighting, tired of showing such restraint and she was destined to lose her control. It was only a matter of time.
Robin nodded as though he wasn't sure how to react to her sudden request to talk. "We can go to my room."
"OK," Raven nodded. I guess I really don't confide in anyone, she thought, judging by the concerned shock on his face. It was true, she had never approached anyone for advice, she had never opened up to anyone to tell them what was on her mind. It had always had to be forced out of her. She revealed herself always on a need to know basis. But, this was something Robin at least, needed to know.
They slipped into his room, shutting the door behind him. Raven lingered by the doorway as Robin sat down on his bed. He invitingly motioned her to come in and take a seat. Reluctantly, she sat down at his desk. "So what's on your mind Raven?"
What isn't? she thought. Raven heaved a big sigh, "I don't know where to begin..."
"It's OK," Robin nodded, "Take your time."
"Well, things lately have been..." she paused, "how do I say this? Strange."
"How so?" Robin asked, "Is it about Terra?"
Raven sat up to attention, "What? No. Yes. Maybe." Oh crap. What am I doing?
"What about her?" he asked.
"Nothing," Raven said quickly. She paused, mulling out what she was going to say. Robin waited patiently for her to continue. "I have some things that I need to deal with. It's kind of urgent that I deal with them."
"What?" Robin asked.
"That's not important," Raven replied. "Just please trust me when I say I need to be alone right now."
Robin looked confused.
With a sigh Raven elaborated, "I need to get away for a while."
"Why?"
Raven rolled her eyes, "It's not important."
"But if you're wanting to take time off, I need to know why," Robin said.
Since when? Raven frowned, "Let's just say I have some personal issues to deal with. Alone."
Robin nodded, "All right. How long do you need then?"
"I don't know," Raven replied. "But with Terra here, I don't think you will miss me too much if I left."
Robin sat on his bed for a moment pondering Raven's request. "You know, somehow I get the feeling you're talking about quitting, not taking a vacation."
Maybe I am, I don't know. "Why do you say that?"
"I don't know," Robin sighed. "Forget I said that." There was a silent moment between the two most secretive members. "Raven, whatever it is you're dealing with...it's not something dangerous is it?"
It might be if I stay here. "No, of course not. I just need to get away."
Robin bit his lip, "Is there any chance you might want to think about this first?"
Do I look like someone who's rash and thoughtless? I've been thinking about this all night! "I have been," Raven replied softly. "Come on Robin. Terra's powers are just as strong as mine, you don't need me anymore..." She clapped her hand over her mouth. Damn.
Robin raised a brow, "So you are thinking of quitting."
"No I am not," Raven shook her head, "but I might have to, if that's what it takes. You just have to believe me when I say that I need to get away. There are some things I need to deal with that I can't deal with here."
"Listen Raven, unless you tell me what is up, I can't let you take time off. I can't force you to stay if you want to quit, but I hope you'll reconsider, it wouldn't be the same without you. Besides, with everything going on with Slade, we may need you still."
"But Terra..."
"We may need you both to defeat Slade. Remember, not too long ago we would've lost our home if it weren't for the two of you working together," Robin pointed out.
Raven cringed slightly, Thanks for reminding me. Like I really want to be reminded of that. "I guess."
"You still don't trust her, do you?" Robin asked, looking at Raven curiously.
Is it that obvious? No. You do trust her, don't you? Argh, why does it always come back to this? You're just jealous! Terra's done nothing wrong. Stop it Raven, stop thinking like this. "I don't know," Raven replied. "No, I do...trust her. She's proven herself. But I guess it is still rather hard to get along with her. But she's not the reason I want to leave." Not completely at least.
Robin put his hand on her shoulder, "Look, why don't you think about this a little bit longer before making any decisions about what we've talked about. I'll think about it too. I'd just rather we wait to find out what Slade is up to before any of us take any vacation time. I know there is a lot on your plate that we may never find out about, I realize that. But is there anyway you can deal with whatever you need to deal with here? Can you wait on taking that time off?"
I don't know if I can. You have no idea how much it burns to see Terra and Beast Boy together. You don't understand that I need to get away and get over him before I explode. Raven thought. She bowed her head, "All right. Fine. I'll wait. But just until we know what Slade is up to. And I will meditate more on the subject, I'll try to deal with this here, though I don't think I can anymore because believe me, I've been trying. However, I'll respect your wishes and I shall wait."
"Thank you Raven," Robin said.
"Oh and Robin? Can we keep this conversation quiet, at least for now?"
"Of course," Robin smiled.
Raven nodded her head in respect, pulling her hood over her head. I trust you Robin. Thanks for at least trying to understand. "I'll see you later then." she turned to leave but Robin called her back. She turned, "What?"
"Raven, I realize that since Terra arrived that you seem to be the odd Titan out..."
How is that much different than before Terra came? "There's a even number of us."
"That's not what I meant. What I mean is, Terra is great, she's clicked with everyone...almost," he added with a knowing look at Raven, who glanced away, "and there is no denying the fact that she's been an asset on our team. And there's no denying that you and she have similar powers and strength..."
You forgot to mention that hers are a 'gift' and mine are a 'curse' seeing as where they came from...
"But Raven, don't think that we don't need you. No matter what, you are still, and always will be a vital member of the team. We will always need you and value you as a Titan and as a friend," Robin added.
Funny, you seem to know exactly what I needed to hear and I didn't even know I needed to hear it. I don't exactly agree with it but...thank you Robin. Raven thought. She smiled slightly, though it went unseen by Robin. She left without another word and disappeared into her room.
Alone again, Raven's mind went into overdrive. What now Raven? You're stuck here with her, with him, with them...together. But it's only for a while longer. I suppose I could just leave anyway. Maybe stay close enough, or in touch so if I was needed I can be there. No. Robin meant it when he said he'd rather I not go, not unless I told him the reason. But I can't do that. How do I tell him, 'Oh I have to leave because I have this huge unrequited crush on Beast Boy... no I love Beast Boy but now that he's with that bitch...I mean now that he's in love with Terra I think I may go insane!' How do I tell him that? It's so stupid. It's such a shallow, stupid and selfish thought. Though it is true. But why? Why do I have to feel this way? How can I possibly fall out of love with him when I see him every day? How am I supposed to accept it and just get over the fact they're together. Why can't I just accept it damnit! Raven startled when she realized she blew up yet another valuable item. One of her decorative masks. OK, you seriously need to get a grip.
Raven looked at a picture she had of everyone. Starfire insisted that everyone get a copy of the group picture she had the waitress at the pizza place take of everyone. She didn't want a copy but Starfire was relentless. In fact Raven had two pictures. Two photos of the Teen Titans. One before Terra and one after.
She looked at the most recent. They were on the patio at the Pizzeria sitting at a round table. Raven, Starfire and Terra were seated, and the guys stood behind them. Robin stood in the space between Raven and Starfire, Cyborg stood behind Starfire and Terra, Beast Boy was kind of to the side and stood behind Terra. He had his hand on her shoulder, she had her hand on his and was looking up at him slightly while he, though technically he was standing behind her, he had leaned to the side and was looking at her in the picture, with his typical, 'look at me, I'm the funny one' smile that Raven had grown to love and hate. He was trying to catch Terra's attention though, instead of playing for the camera like he usually did.
With a sigh Raven compared it to the older picture. It was taken at the carnival. From left to right there was Beast Boy, then Cyborg, then Raven, then Starfire then Robin. Beast Boy was leaning in front of everyone, as though he leaped into the shot at the last moment, his arms were in a 'look at me!' pose with the biggest, goofiest smile on his face. As a result Cyborg was leaning the opposite way so he wouldn't be hidden behind Beast Boy, though Cyborg was so tall and Beast Boy so short, it didn't make much of a difference. Looking closely Raven realized that Beast Boy was looking at her, as though he was seeking to gain her approval for his antics. In the picture her eyes, though hidden by her hood were rolling in disgust.
Raven shuddered with heartache. At the time the picture was taken, she didn't think he liked her and his boyish charm still hadn't grown on her. At the time she was perfectly fine with being the cold girl who had no choice but to keep everyone at arms length. It never did bother her that she had to be emotionless and distant for the sake of mankind. Oh how quickly that changed.
When he and Cyborg entered her mind, she had been taken aback by his loyalty to her, when he was clearly still somewhat afraid of her. She admired him for that. That was when she had finally come to accept him for who he is, and liked him for it, though it wouldn't be until Terra first arrived when she realized just how much she like him. Looking back she realized how much he cared for her when he didn't even know her. He liked her from the very beginning and she was too blind to see it. Now it was too late.
I should be glad that he's given up on me. I should be glad that he's with her. He needs someone who can laugh at his jokes, and appreciate him for who he his. How could I possibly ever do that? I could never show him how I feel. I shouldn't pretend that I ever could. I should be glad. But why is it that not matter how much I tell myself this, I just feel worse? Why is it so hard to just accept it?
Raven meditated for a few hours. When she was done she felt a little better than before, a little more in control of her feelings, a little more accepting. Her secret longing was still there, but it was tolerable. So long as she didn't think about him, she'd be fine.
She opened her door and stepped out. Just her luck, the first person she saw was Beast Boy, poking his head out of his bedroom door, motioning her to come over. Suddenly all the benefits she reaped from meditating began to wither away. She could practically feel her self-control begin to escape, though she managed to hide it well.
"Hey Raven, c'mere!" he waved.
Raven's heart skipped a beat. Not again. She took deep breath, "Can it wait? I'm busy."
His face dropped, "Oh." He looked almost betrayed.
I'm sorry Beast Boy, I don't want to disappoint you. If you only knew... "Maybe later?" Raven asked, trying to remain calm and controlled while trying to sound a little sympathetic. To her dismay she still came off as cold.
Beast Boy opened his mouth to reply when Terra's voice rang through the corridor.
"Hey B! We're playing Cranium, wanna be on my team?" she asked.
Immediately he brightened, "I'm so there!" he exclaimed, running after her without taking so much as a second glance at Raven, as though she was never there.
Raven slinked back into her room. Her bedside lamp exploded. Damnit! Raven get a hold of yourself. Accept it already! Terra and Beast Boy are perfect for each other. She's the one who can make him happy! Stop being such a selfish idiot! she scolded herself. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Why can't I just get over it? Why did I have to fall in love? It's stupid! She accidentally tossed some of her books across the room. In defeat Raven sank to the floor, leaning against the wall. Why did this have to happen? I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not supposed to fall in love. I'm not like Terra, who is everything I can never be. I can never be the type of girl he needs. I can't be there for him, I can't laugh at his jokes, I can't play those silly games with him. I can't show him how much I really do care. How could I possibly show him that I love him? Why can't I just get over it and be happy for him? Why must this stupid feeling eat away at me like this no matter how hard I try to repress it?
She suddenly felt moisture on her cheek. As she wiped it away she realized, much to her surprise, that it was a tear. I don't care what Robin says, I need to get away.
A/N Well I hope you enjoyed. I have to share this, since I can empathize with Raven in the sense that I too, tend to hide my true feelings (especially when I'm angry or really like someone). I think it would suck to be Raven since the poor girl has no choice but to stay quiet. At least when I feel down and broken hearted I can talk to someone and have a cry if I need to, or if I'm mad, I can let it all out (hopefully on something inanimate) and deal with it. Raven can't, that's why in this story, she's finding coping with her unrequited crush next to impossible. Hold in such a strong emotion like love or anger, sooner or later you want to explode. Or at least I do. Eek, soo sorry about the little rant, but this is sort of the inspiration (or one of the inspirations) for this story so... OK, I'll shut up now.
This is the part where you review and tell me what you think. Please and Thank you!