Authors Note: Hey sorry it took me so long to update, but I have been swamped with school work and I finally have a little break, meaning like day. So I took the time to write a new fic and do a chapter to this one. It could be a while till the next update, I'll try for within the next two weeks but I can't promise anything. Anyway thanks for all the reviews I really liked them... and I hope you like the chapter.

Chapter matching- This goes along with Searching for the truth chapter Five Changes, I sort of skipped chapter four of that series. (Jack, Carter's dad, goes to visit Abby.) But I am doing a two part series, so this is part one...I hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: The song belongs to Nelly and Tim McGraw... A rapper and a country singer... who woulda thunk it? They would I guess...

Cause it's all in my head
I think about it

Over and over again
And I can't keep
Picturing you with him

And it hurts so bad
Yeah, cause it's all in my head

I look out at the night sky, drops of rain pamper the sidewalk, people rushing by me, ignoring anything but their purpose for being in such a hurry. Sometimes I wish I could go back fifteen years to when I was rushing home. Wanting to get there as fast as possible. Amy would be waiting for me at the door, something in her hand that she had made for me at school that day. Rob and Jack would be wrestling in the living room, Abby trying to pry them apart while cooking dinner. Ethan would be watching the sports network, playing or doing homework. Then of course there would be that bump under Abby's shirt, the one I would talk to every night before we went to sleep, every morning when I woke up, and during the day whenever I could. My Millie.

I sigh watching the calm night waters again. If I could do things differently I would, I just wouldn't know where to start, how to start. I want it all back, I want the moments I had with my kids, the times spent with my wife... When we were together, both there, into the relationship, efore Millies' birth, before Ethan's around the time of Rob and Jack maybe. Things weren't perfect, I never wanted perfect, things were right though.

Shaking my head morosely I look out again, trying to take my mind off the past. I can't change it, mend it or fix it. Why go back and torture myself? It's a pointless endeavor. I clutch my cell phone in the palm of my hand, waiting for my daughter to call. She's in town for the week, and I told her I had to see her. Most of the kids spend time with their mother, figuring she needs the support, or they worry because she doesn't seem to care. Abby never showed her emotions, you had to be able to read her. And I could, well at first anyway. Not anymore though, somewhere along the line I lost that, I lost that along with her.

A vibrating brings me out of my reverie. I flip my phone on, answering quickly. "Amy."

"Hi daddy." She sounds happy, she was a little upset when her boyfriend couldn't come with her. So was I, I wanted to meet him and scare the shit out of him.

"Can you go for coffee?"

"Yeah. Aren't you working?"

"I just got off... What about Ike's, we can grab something to eat as well."

"Actually... I have eaten already." Oh. "Yeah, I'm sorry dad, I wasn't sure what you were doing... and when mom offered me dinner..." Her voice fades, obviously sounding like she failed me.

"No, don't worry about it honey. We can just grab some coffee." I try to put on my best, 'I don't care' voice. Too bad I seem to be failing miserably.

"I can sit with you..."

"No, really it's okay just meet me at the coffee shop on fourth...."

"Okay, I love you." With that she hangs up. I guess trying to balance both parents is going to be hard on the kids for the first little while. I can't blame her; I can't blame Abby really either. I should have made concrete plans. I turn my back to the river walking towards the coffeehouse.

Over and over again
I replay it

Over and over again

And I can't take it
I can't shake it, no

I lean back against my chair, studying Amy carefully as she tells a story about college. A parent appropriate story, not one of those outrageous 'I went to a frat party, met a guy, slept with him and am now having his baby.' Stories. god I don't think I could deal with that right now. She talks animatedly about her boyfriend, she glows when she talks about him. He obviously makes her happy I hope it lasts I really hope it does.

"You're not planning on marrying this guy are you?" I cock an eyebrow, leaning down to take a sip of my coffee.

"God no, at least not right now. I mean... We have talked about it a bit. But don't worry dad, nothing to get concerned about. I'm not gonna run off to Vegas with him." She chuckles.

"Good, I'm glad. I would hate to miss the wedding." She smiles at me. Suddenly the tone has turned serious and we divert our gazes elsewhere.

"How have you been?" Her voice soft, as she touches my hand. I feel like an old friend is comforting me rather than my daughter.

"Good..." I answer, smiling at her.

"Really?" I shake my head; I've already had this discussion with her.

"Amy. I am fine okay?" She nods her head, catching the hint of indigence in my tone. "Your grandfather is in town. Did you see him?"

"No. He didn't stop by. He is probably going to though. He and mom always got along very well though." Yeah I know that. He did always prefer her to me.

"I assume he will."

"How is he?" She asks, rubbing her finger mindlessly over the edge of her cup.

"You know your grandfather, he's like stone." I sigh, shaking my head a bit.

"Kind of like my father." She sighs, I can see the eye roll.

"Amy." I singsong.

"What is this all about dad?" Her tone firm. She knows I have ulterior motives. She is leaving tomorrow, and I can't bear not telling her before she goes. I haven't told any of the other kids, but I am assuming I will have to tell Millie. I'm not sure if there is a point in telling Jack, he rarely answers the phone when I call. And Ethan and Rob, well they probably will care, but right now I think I owe it to Amy to tell her.

"I'm going to Africa."

"Again?" She sounds shocked, why shouldn't she be? I think I just dropped a bomb on her.

"I'll be gone a few weeks. I haven't told your sister yet, nor your brothers. But I would really appreciate if you didn't tell your mother." I look at the table, studying the pattern, and fiddling with my napkin.

"You don't think she's going to notice?"

"I'm just not ready for her to know right now. She wouldn't approve..." I trail off a bit at the end. I'm speaking as though I'm married to the woman, and I'm not... But I can still see her face when she realizes where I have gone.

"Are you going to see her." She sounds accusatory. Her? Kem? How the hell does Amy know about Kem? I know she knows the vague details of Africa, but we never got into anything more than the smallest details with her. She's the only one that knows, she came across the letter when rooting through the attic one day.

"Along with the letter was a picture of the woman, dad." She answers for me.

"I'm going for a good cause, Amy. I'm going to help people." I sigh, looking up at her. "I'm not going to hook up with an old girlfriend, I'm not going to rekindle a long since dead flame. I'm going because I can't be in Chicago anymore. I can't be where I am not wanted."

"Not wanted?"

"Everything has changed since the divorce... Your mother, me..." I try to finish the sentence but somewhere along the way my voice flattens, I cough a little, until a sharp pain shoots through my arm. I grip at it a little more, my chest tightening...

I can't wait to see you
Wanna see if you still got that
Look in your eye

That one you had for me
Before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we

Gotta spend our time
Being mad about the same things

Over and over again
About the same thing
Over and over again

Thank you's: Thanks to, Angel Dust, carby-alwaysfroggiezaz, CamiliaC and of course chaos theory 137... thanks again Liby, I hope you like this chapter... I sorta winged it.