Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII © SquareSoft. …or SquareEnix. Whatever. ::mutters::
Rating: R; Alternate Universe; Yaoi, language, situations, idiocy (on Zack's behalf), whatever…
Pairings: Sephiroth/Cloud, Sephiroth/Zack, Cloud/Zack
Notes: …Cloud, Cloud, Cloud, what a snotty little bitch you are.

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----C-L-O-U-D-S---S-I-D-E----

Have you ever gone somewhere you were too young to be only to get hit on by someone a lot older than you? How about a bar, and that person was drunk? Yeah? How about if you're being hit on by this person who's telling you you're the most beautiful girl he's ever seen before in his life?

Alright… how about this, then. The guy who's hitting on you was piss-drunk, had just been slapped in the face by a woman who called him an asshole and walked away? Really? Fine. Maybe this'll throw you.

How about getting hit on by that guy, even though you tell him you're really a boy, and you're dressed like a boy, and acting like a boy, and have to practically whip your dick out to the guy to prove it because he's too stupid to realize you're telling the truth?

I thought so.

Oh, by the way, that guy was Zack. He was a raging jackass.

And, sadly, that was the first time we met.

I snuck into this really shitty bar in Sector 7 called 'Seventh Heaven' one night after the guy I was dating for a while dumped me because I wouldn't fuck him. What the hell? I just turned 14! Yeah, I know, hormones, blah, blah, but I didn't want to have sex with the guy. He was just disgusting… I don't even know why I went out with him, anyway. Really creepy, bald, barely talked, wore sunglasses all the time… besides the point.

So I was in the bar, just… there… not really doing anything. I didn't order a drink only because I hate alcohol, I honestly just sneak into bars because I like the atmosphere. Except at that bar, it… really sucked. It was filled with idiots.

And little did I know, the biggest idiot there would become one of my best friends.

I swear, Zack was hitting on any woman on two legs… except that one girl with half a leg, but that doesn't count. I was just kind of watching him 'work his magic'… which, in reality, was being turned down by everyone he came on to but leaving with a crooked grin on his face.

The last woman had slapped him, hard. I'm talking near baseball-bat-to-the-face hard. His cheek was flaming red, I swear to the gods. I couldn't hear what he was saying or anything, but I did know that none of his lines worked, and I also knew he was very, very sexy.

Zack has this odd look to him. He's got jet-black hair that he wears in dreads… But the things are so spiky. And really long. They stick up everywhere, like he just attacked himself with a pair of scissors then clumped the hair up. It's just weird. And he looks like the outdoorsy type, tan and all that. And he always looks dirty. But the thing is, he is never dirty… well, except in his head…

He smells nice, too. And he's got a great voice. And a very nice body. I feel like jumping him whenever I see him… which, sadly, is all the time.

But I'm getting off track.

I don't even know how he thought I was a girl. Yeah, my face is a little feminine, and I'm on the thin side, but what the fuck? I was wearing SOLDIER-style pants and a t-shirt. I don't know how he didn't notice my suspicious lack of tits, or makeup, and you would think that really freaked-out spiky blonde hair would've tipped him off just a bit.

Shit, my voice was even changing at the time, he didn't notice it cracking, either?!

Yeah, I realize Zack sounds like a gigantic retard. But he's really not… when he wants to be. He has good advice… sometimes… well… huh.

But what I do know is that he's a really great guy. And really considerate. Just… not towards women. But to me and Seph? He'd do anything for us.

And again, I've run off track.

I don't know how he could recover from being slapped so hard that quickly. I'm serious. I thought I heard a bone snap. But he did, and, after having no luck with any of the women left, he focused on me.

The boy.

Who did not look like a girl, I might add. Well, alright, Sephiroth says I do sometimes, but still. Zack's straight, and, drunk or not, he should know a girl from a boy.

He came up to me and asked me my name, and I told him. And followed up with the cheesiest pick-up line I've ever heard.

"Is your name Cloud because you fell from heaven?"

…what the fuck does that even mean?!?

So I stared at him with one of those 'you've got to be kidding me' faces, and he's just standing there, smiling at me, waiting for… something. It was more creepy than anything. I think five minutes went by before he started getting shifty-eyed and nervous.

And the entire time he smiled that goofy smile with an eyebrow raised, barely even blinking. I think he was expecting me to slap him or something. He's kind of like a beaten dog when he hits on girls, I noticed, always flinching, but just never learning his lesson. A glutton for punishment, in some ways.

But I didn't slap him. I just stood there, and he asked if he could but me a drink. I didn't want anything, but he insisted and ordered… Sex on the Beach. Two of them. And handed me one with a smirk and a wink, the look on his face telling me that's what he wanted from me more than the bartender.

Naturally, I realized then why he had no luck with the ladies. He lacks a lot of tact.

I made a face at him and he laughed. Really, really loud. I'm surprised he didn't piss himself yet, that's how wasted he was. But, for some reason, we started talking, and every once in a while he'd tell me I was beautiful and all that 'I-wanna-get-in-your-pants' bullshit. And every single time he said something like that I told him that I wasn't a girl, I was a boy. I knew he wasn't gay… or even bi, for that matter, because I was the only guy in the bar, save the bartender, that he even looked at the entire time.

And there were some other good-looking guys there. Just none of them as good-looking as the brain-damaged hottie I was talking to.

Every time I told him I was male, he'd just laugh and tell me I was just too drunk to know my gender. I hadn't even touched my drink, because he got to it first.

Yeah, he was that stupid.

I think after the… 15th time he said I was pretty and whatnot, I got fed up and said that if he didn't believe me that time, I was going to take my pants off and prove it. He had one of those expectant looks on his face until he finally realized that I was, in fact, not a girl.

Gee, I wonder what could've tipped him off?

So he's just sitting there staring at me, and I decide I don't want to be stuck in that piece of shit place they called a bar anymore, after talking to Zack for nearly an hour. I went to get up but he stopped me and asked for my PHS number.

I don't know why he asked me for it, even to this day. But I gave it to him… yes, my actual number, I'm not that cruel. And he finally asked me my age, and I swear his jaw hit the floor at the realization that he'd been hitting on a 14-year old boy for a good chunk of the night.

I just went home after that. I didn't think anyone could be so stupid, and I didn't exactly feel like meeting anymore drunken idiots.

So the next day, I get a surprise.

At noon, I think, around there, I was just at home reading when my PHS rings. Guess who was on the phone?

A very hung-over jackass from the shitty bar, inviting me over to his house to meet a friend of his and hang out for a while.

My mom comes in the door as I'm about to say no. She asked me who it was on the PHS - and Zack asked me who she was - and my mom forced me to go out and meet some new friends.

I hate mothers sometimes. Being a teenager sucks, too. You're basically powerless, especially if your mother's the only other one in your family.

So, yeah. To make sure I actually went to Zack's, she took the handset from me and started talking to him, asking for directions, stopping occasionally to giggle like a schoolgirl.

I knew Zack was hitting on her. That was a little spooky.

But she got off the phone and started raving about how great my 'new friend' was. It sucked. Besides from how pleasing he was to the eyes, I didn't even like the guy. Mama Strife doesn't take too kindly to backtalk, though, so I didn't say anything.

Well, that and I wasn't about to tell her the only reason I would go was to see that sexy dumbass again. What mama don't know about her only child's sexuality can't hurt her.

The ride there was terrible. Traffic was backed up everywhere, Midgar was too damn hot, it was just shitty. And the entire time my mom raved on and on about Zack. What the fuck? She talks to someone for five minutes, gets hit on by him, and suddenly he's the greatest guy in the world?

I absolutely dreaded going into his house, but yet again, I was powerless against my mom. Protesting gets you nothing but a guilt trip. And I wasn't exactly in the mood for that.

She walked me to the door. I could've died. I had one of those oh-so-fantastic feelings that the worst wasn't over yet.

Zack showed up at the door I think the third knock in… and he looked utterly drool-worthy.

Well, despite that nasty hangover.

I noticed that that stupid smile barely ever left his face since I met him. Okay, that's a lie, but he does smile a lot. And a great smile, too, his teeth are damn near perfect. And his lips… I just wanna kiss those lips and that body and gods he's hot.

Seph told me once that he made out with Zack, and just a tiny bit more. That made me impossibly jealous.

Where was I again…?

Oh, right. He smiled all huge and invited the both of us into this decent-looking house, and right away starts hitting on my mom. She looks like me, after all, only 20 years older, and with boobs. I felt left out. That kinda took me by surprise.

I cleared my throat a while later when my mom was blushing like a fiend, hiding her mouth behind her hand. I hate that schoolgirl mode women slip into when someone handsome's hitting on them, and my mom does that a lot.

Maybe that's why I hate women.

Then some huge guy with hair weirder than Zack's just walks into the door and stares at us with these freaky-ass eyes. He was hot, though. Just… very intimidating. I think I held onto my mom's arm like a little child when he looked at me.

Our gracious host - ha! - finally stops putting the moves on my mom and waves at the scary guy in the doorway, inviting him in. Of course, that scary guy would be best friend #2 later on.

He stared at me. A lot. I wanted to cry, it was terrible being scrutinized by that gigantic silver-haired beauty. The guy didn't even talk until I think an hour or two after my mom left, still giggling. Seph only nodded or shook his head when Zack asked him anything.

I actually thought he was a mute.

Anyway, my mom left, and Zack brought us all down to his crappy room… in the basement of his parent's house. You'd think a guy his age would've lived at his own place, since men in Midgar tend to grow up faster than most.

Well… then again… Zack barely acted my age, let alone his own.

So the three of us hung out. I don't even know if that time in the basement could qualify as 'hanging out'… Zack liked to talk. Constantly. About nothing at all. He's like a puppy chasing his tail. And that's all he did in the basement.

I wanted to smack him. Sephiroth looked like he did, too.

When he wasn't staring at me, of course.

I don't understand where Zack gets his energy. He barely sat down while he spoke, was always gesturing or shaking his head or scratching himself or pacing… just watching him made me exhausted. When he asked me to hang out, I thought we'd be hanging out, not sitting in his basement watching him talk. It sucked. And I learned way too much about him.

Like how freakin' horny he was ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Seriously, every other sentence started with 'this chick I was going out with' or 'one girl I was seeing said' or 'a girl I fucked'. It was terrible. I think the entire time he was talking, he didn't mention a single girl more than once. Honestly, I don't know how Seph could stand it.

And he suddenly suggests we go to this arcade in town. Just out of the blue. He was telling us a story about these twins he was messing around with a split-second earlier. I wasn't even aware his story ended.

Then Seph spoke up and practically yelled at Zack about going to the arcade, saying that I was too young or some bullshit. It pissed me off, so I told him that I wanted to go, and he got all pouty. I didn't get what his problem was, I mean, it was just an arcade.

Well, I found out later, when Zack introduced me to his friend Reno - who usually worked there - why Seph was so hesitant to bring me. But… we won't get into that now, will we?

Our walk there was anything but uneventful. I think I met at least six ex-fucktoys Zack had, and I met Seph's brother Vincent, hanging onto the arm of his girlfriend Lucrecia like a fucking puppy. Gods, she was a BITCH. She didn't even let Vincent stop for more than five minutes when Seph waved him over.

Apparently Zack and Vincent got along really well. From Vin's quiet demeanor and Zack's… less than… the two seemed like they should've clashed. But they didn't.

Lucrecia hated Zack, though, I could tell. Seph didn't seem too fond of her either. The glares he shot at her… well, that doesn't matter. There's just something fucked with the way they acted.

Maybe because Sephiroth was trying to convince his brother to have some balls, who knows.

After Vincent obeyed his… love's… whims and left, we started off again only to be stopped like, five seconds later by this chick that hit Zack in the head with her pocketbook, out of nowhere. She didn't say anything, just hit him and stormed off!

He didn't even seem to notice, either. He's just that used to being abused. All I know is, if he was with me… well… yeah. It makes me mad that he's not attracted to guys… I'm really into him. Two years - well, not the entire two years, but a good chunk of it - I've been dropping hints to him that I liked him… a lot.

But it gets me nowhere… he just thinks I agree with everything he does.

Zack's pretty dense.

We finally made it to the arcade after being stopped a few more times, Zack talking about nothing as usual, and Seph just muttering things about Lucrecia. He really hates her.

The arcade was fun, though, even Seph had a good time. He completely beat my ass in this virtual fighting game, though. I swear, I could practically feel it when his guy hit mine, it was just brutal. I think I had bruises afterwards when Zack dragged me off to go play a snowboarding game, leaving Seph to play this… weird… moogle… game…

If I hear the word 'kupo' ever again in my lifetime, I am going to shoot myself. Mark my words.

Zack was really good on the snowboard, and I sucked terribly. I never realized someone could wipe out so much while on a machine. It was pretty sad.

But, I kicked Zack's ass in this submarine warfare deal there. But, sadly, it was a game built for more than two people and Seph joined in, completely destroying me. I don't understand how he did it, either. My sub was in back of his, firing missiles at him like crazy, and he evaded every single one and just disappeared out of sight.

Three seconds later, my sub was sunk. What the FUCK?! It wasn't fair.

So I punched him.

And, consequently, hurt my hand in the process. That guy's stomach is a rock.

We left Wonder Square after that little… incident… and went back to Zack's where I called my mom and left.

The weird thing is, I really liked hanging out with Seph and Zack. I still don't get it. Seph's really intimidating and… very, very hot… and Zack's an idiot. And, also, very, very hot. But, the three of us get together often, hanging around and all that. It took a while, but Seph started talking more, even though he still stared at me, and does to this day.

And, sadly, my crush on Zack is still pretty big. Not out of hand, but… just… you know. Odd.

I mean, he's straight.

You're wondering why I didn't try and go for Seph since he's the more competent choice, right? I'm attracted to him, he's gay, I'm gay, why not just ask him, right?

Ha!

As if Seph would go for someone like me. He's practically a god.

Besides, Seph tends to go a little… well, crazy… when I'm going out with people. He says I'm too young to be going out and all that. I don't know what his problem is. He's really overprotective of me.

Though I guess he did have a reason to be when I started dating Reno. He seemed like a decent enough guy, you know? We went out for maybe a month or so, and I liked him a lot. Not as much as I like Zack, of course, or Seph, but I still did.

Anyway… Sephiroth completely flipped when Zack mentioned to him that Reno said that we were fucking. That was a pretty confusing sentence, huh?

Well, it was true, but Seph still went crazy. A few months shy of 15 is too young for someone to lose their virginity, I guess. At least according to Seph.

So I had to tell him everything; when we started having sex, how often, why I was doing it, then he scolded me, saying I should be in love beforehand, and the guy I'm with should love me, I should respect myself more, blah, blah, blah.

He also said he knew Reno was screwing around on me.

And he was right.

When I broke up with him, Seph went out and kicked Reno's ass. I saw him a few days later, he had a broken nose, a broken arm, and stitches underneath two black eyes.

I told you Seph was a scary guy. It just makes me wonder why he cares what I do so much, he doesn't do that for Zack…

-E-N-D---C-L-O-U-D-S---S-I-D-E---E-N-D-

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A/N: Whee! I like writing this Cloud. He's so… teenybopper-ish. And Sephy… aww, I feel bad for Seph… ::squishes Sephiroth::
Sephiroth (frowning): Stop that, you know I hate you.
But… I love joo, Seph! I want you to be happy!
Sephiroth: …I'll be happy if you let me go and never touch me again.
::pouts::
Sephiroth: My side's up next. I've no doubt it'll suck. She constantly makes me the angst-y one.
No I don't…
Sephiroth: ::narrows eyes:: Filthy liar.
…I'm sorry, master. ::hangs head::
Sephiroth: Good girl. Now go make me a sandwich before I decapitate you with the Masamune.
::pouts and walks away, head down::
Sephiroth: ::grins wickedly:: Slaves are wonderful, aren't they? ::clears throat:: Oh, Clooooud… come to papa, daddy needs him some lovin'!
(from kitchen) I HEARD THAT!! DON'T GET OOC!!!
Sephiroth's eyes dart