Let us live in peace with conviction
If you're here, please hold me."
Original: "Vanity"
Recommended Music:
Disturbing thoughts—"Labyrinth"
A sleep like death/Satomi—"Das Wandern"
Surprise attack/Cross—"Secret Project"
Talk with Alice—"In Your Mind"
Fiction
Track 05: "Vanity"
Koichi's patience with his recurring nightmares had, by now, worn very, very thin. Any thinner and it would have been transparent. He consciously knew that his actions as Duskmon were entirely out of his control and that even if anything had gone the way it did in his dreams—which it hadn't—Koji would not harbor any ill will toward him. And he himself had made peace with his past and been done with it.
But then why won't these end? he demanded of himself.
This time, he and Koji were actually alone. They were inside the world of darkness in Sakkakumon's center sphere, cut off from anyone that could help. He was Duskmon, as he typically was in his warped subconscious, and he held Koji by his collar, demanding to know of his past. But instead of waiting for a response, he forced the memories from his brother. Shadows enveloped Koji, painfully ripping his sad memories from him so that Koichi could see them.
"Get out of my head, Duskmon," Koji gasped after a while. "Leave my memories alone!"
"Silence!" Koichi could barely believe that the harsh voice was his own. He could never sound so unfeeling toward his brother, not after what they'd been through! And yet he realized that this was the first time in a dream where Koji had spoken and the first time in which he himself spoke during battle. That somehow made it feel a lot more unsettling. It was bad enough remembering what he had done as Duskmon, but what remembering he had said… It brought the dreams a little too close to reality.
Under any other circumstances, Koichi would have been exasperated by the redundant images of things that could have gone wrong. But the memories that came to him were not the same he'd seen in the sphere. Instead, he was faced with the images he'd created from hearing of Koji's experience with Jeri's mind rape. And because he was feeling everything the way Koji had, he felt the intense fear and sorrow that nearly killed him as he'd slept in the school clinic. He sensed the overwhelming fright that caused him to fall back into the death grip of the seemingly possessed bushes. He suffered the terrifying sensation of Jeri's almost dead hands against his forehead both times, feeling as though life was draining out of him from the terror.
The experience was bad enough for Koichi, but Koji took it even worse. This was no "what if" that he was used to; this was something he just couldn't describe. It was real and yet it was not real. The reemergence of the memories incited the same panic in Koji that could have gotten him killed back at school if not for the more reassuring memories of the Digital World and his friends and family. This time, he didn't have them to help. He didn't have anyone to help him.
His body became limp in Koichi's hold. His head fell forward to be obscured from view, but not before Koichi saw fresh tracks of tears streaming down his cheeks. And then he was gone, just as always in these nightmares, fading into memory himself.
Koichi sat up in bed, feeling no tears on his face this time. This dream had been more disturbing than frightening for a change. But it did leave him with a sense of duty that he had to fulfill. So he pulled on some clothes and quickly ate breakfast to his mother's surprise.
"You're up earlier than usual today, Koichi," she noticed. "Is something the matter?"
"Just a weird dream. Reminded me of something I have to do. Before school, I want to check up on Koji if it's okay."
"Of course it is. But why the rush?"
"He had a bad experience last night. He said he was fine, but from my experience, 'fine' means anything from 'relatively okay' to 'mortally scarred.' He usually doesn't want to talk about this stuff, but if I let him know it was bothering me, he might open up."
Ms. Kimura smiled at her son's willingness to help his newfound brother. "That's sweet. I can drive you there if you want."
The thought of both of his parents' meeting crossed his mind, forcing him to put his rice bowl and chopsticks all as part of the attempt to keep his food down. He had a hard enough time trying to surpass his fear of his father alone; having his mother there would make it even worse. "Don't worry, Mom. I'll be fine on my own. And Koji may react better if it's just me he's talking to."
"All right," she agreed. "But if there's a problem with him, let me know. I might be able to help too."
"Okay, Mom."
His uneasiness persisted as he took his book bag and pulled on his sneakers before walking out the door. He wasn't entirely sure if it wasn't a deliberate action by his body that had him walking more slowly than he'd ever done in his eleven years. It was only his concern for Koji that kept his legs moving at all.
Many forced movements to his stubborn (yet perhaps justly so) muscles and a train ride brought Koichi finally to his brother's neighborhood in Yokohama. He wasn't dazzled by the homes that were better looking than those he was used to because he knew that in reality, Koji wasn't rich. He was just in an upper portion of the middle class while Koichi lived in a lower portion. That was all. Their father wasn't a high-powered attorney, but one who fought for those who couldn't always pay the higher prices. There were even times when he refused to accept any payment at all, and that had earned him an iota of respect in Koichi's eyes. He was still deathly afraid of him, but he could at least respect him.
A petite woman with glasses emerged from the Minamoto home, half-dragging a stubborn dog. Koichi saw them and froze in place immediately. The woman—Satomi, he realized—pulled the dog along as it tried to reenter the house.
"You're not going back in there," she stated firmly. When she finally got the animal under control, she looked up to see her unexpected guest. The dog also noticed and began barking and fighting to get closer. "Akemi, settle down!" she ordered before addressing Koichi. "You're Koichi, right? I see you every once in a while when you and Koji visit each other." The dog continued barking and inched closer to Koichi, who took a nervous step back. "Don't worry about her. She's harmless, just very, very friendly. Koji's upstairs in his room if you want to see him. It's the first room on the right."
"Thank you," he managed to reply, quickly entering the house, removing his shoes, and heading in the specified direction.
"But wait a second!" she called back.
He was already up the stairwell when she called. All of his life, he had been unnerved by dogs. It wasn't so much that he was actually afraid of them, but he wasn't on very good terms with pets for the most part. The only thing he had wanted to do at that moment was to get away from that one.
When he reached the top of the stairs, he turned to the right to find his brother's bedroom. He knocked and received no answer. A bit concerned, he opened the door. From there, he had to fight every surging memory of his constant nightmares just so that he could see the situation clearly. Koji lay in bed, pale from illness and troubled sleep. He was not dead. His position in bed was twisted, supporting the notion that he'd had a rough night. A heavy blanket was almost over his head while his other sheets were wound around him. His face was expressionless, at least, giving Koichi some relief at seeing that his brother had finally attained peace of mind.
"I'm sorry; I tried to warn you," Satomi whispered from behind, reaching in front of Koichi to close the door. "He didn't sleep much last night until I gave him some nighttime cough medicine, and even then, he was still up. Did something happen last night that caused this?"
Koichi looked down in semi-guilt. This time, his nightmare had been subconsciously informing him that he should have given his brother more support the night before. "Yeah. He just had sudden terrible déjà vu."
"You don't have to bend the truth with me," she informed, causing him to look up in surprise. She regarded him with a small smile. "I know all about that strange Digital World. I'm probably the only person you'll meet who can accept the truth about it readily. And what I can tell from Koji's condition is that it was caused by something from the Digital World. Am I right?"
"In a way, yes," Koichi admitted. "He and I are trying to help our friend Alice stop a girl named Jeri, who was possessed by something from the Digital World. Jeri made Koji relive his memories, and I think it could have killed him if he didn't have the more positive memories of his time in the Digital World."
Satomi averted her gaze to the closed door. "Then I'm glad he has you to depend on. He's gone for so long without asking for anyone to help him. His father—your father—and I were always so worried that he would go forever not trusting anyone."
A wry smile decided to appear on Koichi's face. "That's Koji all right—never wants anyone to hold his hand and guide him."
"At least things have changed for the better," Satomi commented. "Well then, I've probably kept you up here for too long. Don't worry too much about Koji; I'm staying behind from school to take care of him."
"Are you a teacher?" Koichi asked.
"No, I'm a student. I'm back in college, trying to earn a higher degree. I don't usually take off when Koji's sick—Kousei does out of habit from raising him alone for so long. I decided to take off today because I don't want him to miss too much work. It would be unfair. Now, anyway, I'm sorry that I can't drive you to school, but I'm afraid to leave Koji home alone when he's in this state. Other times, I'd be fine with it, but he's just too sick right now."
"It's all right," he assured. "I'm a little early for school anyway. I'll still be there on time if I walk."
To Koichi's surprise, Satomi hugged him briefly before sending him on his way with the comment "Thank you for taking care of your brother. I hope you know just how important he is." He was a bit puzzled at this, but he threw back a quick "You're welcome" and left for school.
A math test caught him by surprise when class began, forcing him to momentarily forget his worry over his brother. At the present time, it was more important to worry about his academics. Besides, Koji was more or less all right. And if something was wrong, his stepmother would handle things. Koichi had really liked her; she was the kind of person he figured Koji would put his trust in. If there was a problem, she was sure to take care of it.
Lunchtime was when he began to reflect on the previous night, though. He didn't have much of an appetite—not that it mattered with his pangs of guilt that would have kept him from eating anyway. Koji had been unusually quiet the night before, especially when Alice told him it was best that he stayed behind on future missions. Normally, he'd be half-shouting back with reasons on why he should be allowed to keep it up, but he'd merely nodded instead. It wasn't like him to just give up so easily. And he'd seemed so distant, like there was something he'd been thinking about and didn't want to share. That too was curious. It was always Koji who warned Koichi that as brothers, it was wrong for them to keep important secrets from one another. True, they were allowed to have privacy, but this seemed to be crossing the line from privacy to secrecy. The problem could be minor like Koichi's constant nightmares, or severe like his existence in the Digital World. And either way, he wanted to know what it was so that he could help.
But first, I need to get help myself, he realized. I need to tell Koji exactly what I've been seeing when I close my eyes. It might not help him at all, but it will prove to him that we have to share these kinds of things. Otherwise there's no reason in our being brothers.
There was a sudden flare of commotion in the schoolyard, waking Koichi from his trance. A large crowd was forming in the area of the outburst, and other students were making a loud hajj toward it.
"What's going on?" Koichi questioned as a girl from his class pushed past him.
"That's what we're going to find out," she answered.
A thick ring of children surrounded whatever it was that had done so well at captivating their attention. Koichi found himself at the back of the throng, standing on his toes to see what was in the center of the ring. But after a while, his curiosity gave out, and he began to leave.
"Koichi Kimura."
The expressionless voice filled him with dread. As if he was caught in a horror movie, he turned his head and body slowly to the left so that he could see the object of his fear. Schoolchildren stepped away, forming a path leading out of the circle. The slow precision was suspenseful, building up to the climax of when the protagonist and antagonist met eyes. Teachers appeared seemingly from nowhere, trying to determine where this mysterious girl had come from and what she wanted with the sixth grader. Jeri and Koichi stared long and hard at each other, Jeri entirely void of emotion and Koichi somewhat frightened. But finally, he turned and walked toward her while school personnel tried to keep him back.
"You're not going to fight her alone?" a friend from class asked him.
"He won't be alone," a somber yet reassuring voice affirmed. Alice walked onto the campus in her uniform and the slippers that were standard for it. She hadn't even paused to change shoes. "I'll help him."
"We take this away from the school," Koichi ordered Jeri. "I won't agree on any other terms." She didn't acknowledge him and instead prepared another chaos bomb, one that was half-filled with red.
"This isn't your decision," Alice warned. "Everybody, head for a part of the school that has a lot of trees! You'll be safest there."
"We cannot allow you three children to fight," a teacher refused.
"Believe me, we stopped being children a long time ago," Koichi murmured. More audibly, he informed, "We'll be perfectly all right. It's the rest of you that aren't protected. Nothing will happen to us as long as you all hide someplace safe." Something about his tone eased the adults' fears, and they herded the rest of the children into the wooded areas to safety. It was irrational and irresponsible, but it was the only thing they could do. It was that odd "true chaos" once again.
Once all the innocents were gone, Jeri surged at them with her claw-like nails. Koichi was grateful for the barrier being transmitted from the apparatus on the neck of his sand-colored sweater; small amounts of chaos splashed off of it and fell to the earth, where the organic compounds of the soil prevented the anti-data from causing any harm. He did wish, however, that he had some kind of protection from touching her skin. In the Digital World, where it was possible to feel the D-Reaper inside her, her flesh was very hot, whereas it was cold and dead in the Human World. Eventually, he gave up trying to strike her and concentrated mainly on tiring her. Instead of returning every blow, he allowed her to keep coming at him so that he could duck out of the way each time. He kept his movements as effortless as possible in order to keep himself from weakening as well. But the frigid air still burned at his lungs, drying out every bit of warm moisture in his windpipe and mouth. Wisps of steam escaped his breath as it all continued, but Jeri was certainly in far worse condition. Her body was becoming sluggish from trying to move so erratically in such cold weather. She began to slump over as she took breath.
Seeing that Jeri was no longer a threat, Alice came over with an electrode and tried to hook it to the back of her head or neck. But Jeri sensed this instantly and whipped around with a newfound energy. She placed the chaos bomb against Alice and detonated it, showering the other girl in antimatter. As she predicted, Koichi ignored her and ran to assist Alice, who was desperately trying to get the chaos off of her body. Jeri smiled flatly and leapt in the air, leaving the scene as mysteriously as she'd come.
Koichi ignored the painful burning contact with the anti-data caused and began scooping it out of Alice's hair and away from her face. She needed to be able to breathe and think more than anything. But when he wiped it away from her eyes, his fingers encountered a different kind of warmth—a liquid kind. He was mortified to realize that it was a tear.
"Alice, what's wrong?" he checked. What kind of horrors could the chaos be unleashing that would make this strong young woman suddenly begin to cry? He pulled away more chaos from her skin; the algorithms protected her uniform. "I can't help you if you don't let me know what it is."
"It's nothing you can help with," she answered between tears. Koichi noticed that she was clutching something in her left fist. He pulled away the sticky red chaos and forced open her hand to find a silver cross that was now coated in the same coagulated blood-looking substance that covered her. It was odd; she wore it everyday, and it was only now that Koichi really noticed. But he could tell easily that this was important to her, so he had to figure out a way to save it.
"You keep trying to get that stuff off of you," he ordered. "I'll try and get it off your cross."
Remembering that chaos had no effect on anything organic, he began rubbing the cross in the dirt to try and prevent any more damage from being done. But the soil couldn't stick to the chaos, and it only delayed the inevitable. However, in the most desperate of circumstances, the best and usually the craziest ideas are born and take flight, as one did with Koichi. He grabbed the sharpest object he could find—in this case, the edge of Alice's broken electrode—and cut himself across the palm. Then, he placed the cross in his bloody hand and clenched it tightly until it shook. Momentarily, he began to feel dizzy, but not from the chaos that could very easily enter his body. Rather, it was the opposite, like something was pushing it away from him. It was like some kind of energy was leaving his cells and burning away the intruder. He only hoped it would do for the cross as it did for his body.
The lightheadedness suddenly passed, almost as if informing Koichi that the threat was gone. He opened his blood-soaked hand to see the cross lying atop a brown scab on his palm. The cross was rather bloody but otherwise all right. He handed it to a bewildered Alice, informing, "Here."
The chaos had been removed from her hands, but it wouldn't have been able to penetrate the coat of blood on the cross anyway. She held the small pewter object gently and looked at Koichi thankfully. He smiled in response, a flush of rose spreading across his face and a fluttery feeling in the pit of his stomach. That was odd. When had he begun thinking of Alice in that way? He supposed it began when he saw her secret tears, but he'd never really started feeling anything too strongly until now.
Sure, I was a little insistent on having her stay for breakfast yesterday, but that was to make up for asking about her past, he thought. Wasn't it? That oddness in his stomach argued the opposite. And the more he reflected on it, the more he realized he hadn't suddenly developed these feelings overnight. He'd just been too busy worrying about Koji to think much about Alice.
Students and teachers began returning to the yard cautiously, wondering if the dangerous young woman would return. Koichi helped Alice stand and placed a reassuring arm around her. It was a bit unlike him to do so, but he had to give her comfort in any possible way.
"If it's all right, I'd like to take her home," he requested of the principal. "She's been through a lot right now."
"All right," the principal replied, "but you stay home as well. I'll be calling your parents tonight to inform them of this. I need your name and hers."
"She doesn't go to this school."
"I can see that, but I need to let your parents know that she was involved as well."
"My mom knows her. She knows that we're friends. And I'll let her grandfather know what happened." The resolve in his eyes and face was a testament to this. The principal nodded and took his name before allowing him to leave. But to both of them, it didn't feel right that this was taking place. Why on earth should an eleven-year-old boy ever be considered mature enough to do such a thing? What was the world becoming?
-------
Koichi returned to the McCoys' apartment later that afternoon, after explaining everything to his mother before the school could inform her first. She hadn't been happy at all about it, but there wasn't anything she could do about it. This had been an attack at school, and even if he was pulled away from the mission, he would still be in danger. It was unavoidable.
He knocked on the wood next to Alice's door to check and see if she was willing to talk to anyone. To his surprise, she opened. Her eyes were bloodshot and grainy from crying, and she had an expression of guilt when she saw him.
"I'm sorry for causing such a fuss back there," she apologized. "I shouldn't have prompted you to cut yourself."
He glanced momentarily at the bandage wrapped around his left palm. Aloe vera gel had been rubbed all over his hands to help ease the burning. "It's all right. I probably would have hurt myself anyway trying to get the chaos off of you. Can I come in? There's something I want to ask."
"All right." She permitted him to enter, but she kept the door open out of correct etiquette. A young woman and a young man were not supposed to be in the same room with the door closed, no matter what country they lived in. "What is it you want to know?"
He wasn't sure how to ask, so he began walking around the room, glancing at various photographs. One caught his eye immediately. It was of a very young Alice, dressed for Halloween. She wore a blue dress, a white apron, and a black headband over her blond hair. In her hand was a stuffed white rabbit, helping Koichi recognize the book this was from.
"Was Alice in Wonderland your favorite book?" he questioned.
She came over to see the photo he was transfixed on. "No," she replied. "My favorite was The Wizard of Oz. I think it has to do with the fact that my mother's name was Dorothy."
"I asked Dolphin what happened to your parents," he confessed. "I'm guessing that cross was from them?"
She nodded. "It was a silly little thing my father bought me one day. I'm surprised I can even remember it." She fingered the pewter charm delicately. "My father wanted to get me a real cross for my birthday the year he died. But he never got the chance to. Ever since then, I only wear this one. Besides, I'm not really Christian—my beliefs are a little too erratic for any organized religion. I'm a heretic to most of them."
"How so?"
"One of the things I believe is that there is no true evil; therefore, there is no Hell. All evil that happens on Earth is merely a nightmare we're all having, and when we wake up, it'll all be gone."
Koichi regarded this carefully. It did sound comforting to think that there was no need to constantly be reincarnated to make up for bad deeds and wait to achieve nirvana. "I think I like that idea. I mean, I've done some truly evil things before as Duskmon. I'd like to think that whatever god or higher deity there is has forgiven me and all those others who have made the same mistakes."
"Like Jeri, you mean."
"Not just her. There are a lot more people like that too."
Alice put her hand on his shoulder and stared directly into his eyes. She wanted a straight answer, and this way, he'd have to give it. "Do you have a crush on me?"
His face became a vibrant hue of red. His throat caught, and her intense gaze prevented him from lying. After a pathetic attempt at answering verbally, he simply nodded. With that confession, she let him go.
"This isn't something I expected to happen," she admitted. "To tell you the truth, Grandfather warned me it was possible with one of you. I didn't believe him." She sighed. "I've grown up in a household of only men; I should know more than I do about what to do about this."
"It's weird how similar we are," he commented suddenly. "I grew up with just my mom and grandma. A few months ago, my grandma died, leaving just me and Mom."
"But you managed to find your brother."
"After ten days of being too afraid to talk to him and all that time in the Digital World spent trying to kill him. I think that's why I felt connected to you; you're someone who would understand."
"Then that's where we'll start out," she decided. He looked at her in confusion. "For now, we'll get to understand each other. Then we'll see what happens from there. And if anything does come from it, this is the best way for it to happen. I believe that any two people—lovers or friends—should know each other very well. Otherwise, there's no point to either type of relationship."
"Then what do you want to know first?" he asked.
"Whatever you can think of."
He sat down on the bed, and she followed suit. "The best and worst thing that ever could have happened to me was getting the corrupted Spirit of Darkness. It was only that way I could have met Koji, even if Grandma didn't tell me about him beforehand. I never would have gotten the nerve to talk to him otherwise. Even now, there are times when I'm scared, like when it comes to meeting my father. It's been months, and I still can't do it. Maybe I'll try one day, but I don't know when."
"Someday you'll have to."
"I know. But something terrible would have to make that possible. And right now, I'm afraid of what that terrible something will be." She nodded, watching him carefully. It suddenly became a lot easier for both of them to talk, and so they continued for the rest of the afternoon. For the first time in their lives, they felt that they had someone outside the family to talk to, who would understand their problems. It was a good feeling, like a tiny drop of order amidst all a sea of chaos.
Take note that Alice's beliefs do not reflect mine. They're just invented to further her character. The dog's name being Akemi was the same as in the end of "Echoes of Angels." And Dorothy is the name of Roger Smith's android maid in Big O. Till the next!