"The One With the Goatee"
By Jillian Burstein
CHAPTER 1
Joey walked into Monica and Rachel's apartment looking down at an envelope. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe, all sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee, look up at the puzzled looking Joey. "Hey, Joey, what's going on?" Monica asked.
"I'm not sure. I just got this envelope in the mail. It says that it is my high school test scores. I'm not sure why they are sending them to me now, but I might as well open them and see." He opened the envelope and a look of surprise and disbelief flashed across his face.
"Joey, what is it?" Phoebe asked. Reading from the letter...
"Dear Mr. Tribianni, we are pleased to inform you that your high school test scores have yielded extremely impressive results. Scoring in the top .01 percent of students across the country, you are considered a genius in today's day and age. Congratulations on your outstanding performance. This is unbelievable."
"What is unbelievable?" Chandler asked, walking in the door.
"You are never going to believe this," Monica said, "but Joey is a genius."
"Joey- a genius?" Chandler replied.
"I can hardly believe it myself! But I sort of knew it all along, I mean, I always knew that I thought differently than the rest of you." Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe tried to stifle their laughter as Joey turned to go out the door
"Joey, where are you going?" Phoebe asked.
"I'm going to go to the library like the other geniuses do to look up some of these words on my transcript that I don't understand."
"Well," said Ross, taking a final sip of coffee, "I'm off to work. The University asked me to teach another class for them this week."
"I thought after last time they refused to even consider your future applications. I mean, you did fake a British accent," Monica responded.
"And didn't they also observe that huge fight between you and Rachel about your little 'marriage' mix up?" Chandler interjected.
"You know, guys, apparently they can forgive and forget, unlike some other people I know," Ross said, gesturing toward the group. After seeing the questioning looks all around the table, Ross included, "And they also said that they were really in a bind for a professor. Gotta go!" Ross grabed his briefcase and walked out of the apartment.
CHAPTER 2
Monica cleans up the kitchen while Rachel and Chandler sit on the couch channel surfing. Phoebe has left for work.
"So, guys, I don't have to work today, and I was thinking, since the two of you have the day off, we could explore the city or something," Monica said.
"Sounds good to me. I don't have any real plans for today anyway," Chandler responded.
"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Mon, you've gotta come on over here and check this out!" Rachel said excitedly, jumping up and down.
"Oh my god!" Monica said, walking over to the couch. "I absolutely love this movie! Remember when it first came out in theaters? We waited in line for like three days to get tickets!"
"And we couldn't sleep for days – uhm... what's it called, again?" Rachel added.
"I can't remember, but it's the one with the really, really scary chain saw..." Monica replied.
Sheepishly, Chandler started to back toward the door. "Chandler, where are you going?"
"I'm just gonna... I have to go do... You know I don't really have that much time for this right now..."
"Wait, why don't you want to watch this movie with us? Rachel asked.
"It's not that I don't want to watch it with you now...exactly... it's just that I....can't."
"You can't?"
"Yeah," faking a sigh, "I just remembered that my boss wanted my reports on the WENIS by tomorrow afternoon! So sorry..."
"Wait a minute, come to think about it, you did this last time a scary movie was on TV. Chandler, do you have something against scary movies?" Monica asked.
"Its not that I have something against them... I just don't like them."
"Are you scared of them?" Monica asked, slyly.
"No."
"Not even a little?" She pushed further.
"Of course not."
"Then why won't you stay and watch with us for a little bit?"
"Because... because... because I AM afraid! I hate scary movies, they make me cry, give me bad dreams, and... and... I just don't want to talk about it!"
"Do you hate them more than you hate Thanksgiving?" Rachel added.
"Oh, god! Almost!" he said, shuddering.
"Chandler, get a grip! You're sitting and watching the movie with us, whether you like it or not," Rachel said. Both girls pushed Chandler on the couch between them so that he was sitting in the middle of the two, all three linking arms and looking horrified.
Ten minutes later, Chandler breaks from their grip, screaming, "I can't take any more of this! I'm leaving!" Storming off, he ran across the hall into his own apartment, slamming the door and refusing to come out.
CHAPTER 3
Walking down the hall to his classroom, Ross looked at the schedule in his hand, which read "Ancient Paleontology and You, a lecture series by Dr. Ross Gellar. Room 208B." Approaching the room, Ross peered into the window to see, instead of the expected chalkboard and stadium seats, a number of art easels, brushes, paints, smocks, and an area in the front of the room where a male model posed, completely nude. Unclear as to what was going on, Ross checked his watch and ran to the paleontology office to speak to his department chair, whom he found out was away at a conference. Walking up to the secretary, a snobby looking woman with an incredibly thick, nasal, New York accent, 1950's hairdo, and cheap smelling perfume, he explained the situation. The secretary, who didn't look up from her typing while responding, hardly gave him the time of day as she responded, "Blame it on the registrar. They never get anything right around here. You can take it up with them, but if I were you, honey, I would just suck it up. It's not worth fighting it out with them."
"But, I don't know the slightest thing about art." Ross protested.
"I don't know what to tell you. You're just going to have to teach the art class. I can't figure out what went wrong, and I just don't have the time or the desire to figure it out right now."
CHAPTER 4
Back in Monica and Rachel's apartment, Ross explained to the group (everyone minus Joey and Chandler) what had happened. Pacing, voice rising, he tried to figure out what to do.
"So after you talked with the secretary, what did you do?" Phoebe asked.
"I went back to the classroom, introduced myself, and said 'class dismissed.' What was I supposed to do? There was a naked man in my classroom. I'm not used to working with naked people, only with fossils!"
As he finished, Joey walked into the apartment, dressed head to toe in a black suit equipped with suspenders and bowtie.
"Good evening, everyone," he said in a British accent, "How is everyone today?"
Stifling a laugh, Rachel said, "Joey, we're good, but what is going on with you? What's with the bowtie and suspenders?"
"Well, you see, seeing as I am an "intellect" now, I find that the equistropatible clothing that I am wearing directly reflects my newfound genius. And look! I'm growing a goatee!" he said, hands to chin, striking the pose of Auguste Rodin's statue, "The Thinker."
"Oh... anyway, Joey, have you seen Chandler? We haven't seen him since he ran out of our room this morning. Apparently, he doesn't like scary movies," Monica explained.
"Well, last I saw, he was sitting on his bed rocking and humming to himself, but I just figured it was something that un-intellectual people do, so I didn't think anything of it," Joey replied.
"You know," Phoebe offered, "before my mom killed herself, she told me that when someone has a phobia of something, as clearly Chandler does, the majandria of the brain is being affected."
"The majandria?" Monica asked.
"Yes, the majandria. All intellectual people know that!" Joey added.
"The majandria of the brain is the part in which fear is controlled. My mom told me that in order to overcome a fear, you just needed to put a few things in a blender, and drink it."
"Okay," Monica said, "sounds easy enough. What kinds of things?"
"Well, a pair of chicken testicles, a goat brain, and half a cup of orange with a pinch of sugar to taste."
"Um... thanks, but no thanks. There is no way that we could ever get Chandler to drink that," Rachel replied.
"And last I checked, the market doesn't sell chicken testicles," Monica added
CHAPTER 4
The next day at work, Ross came to class carrying a box of fossils for the class to draw. As he walked in the door, he saw the nude model front and center. Feeling extremely uncomfortable, Ross barely was able to remove his eyes from staring at the floor. He sheepishly introduced himself.
Tightly grasping his onto his briefcase and nervously switching his weight from one foot to the other, he said, "Hi, I'm Dr. Ross Gellar, and I will be your professor for the next week. I have a few...uh... ideas for possible class ... uh..." Unable to concentrate, he blurts out, "Um.. you," pointing to the model. "If you wouldn't mind... um..." struggling for words, he finally shrieked, "please put back on your clothes, for the love of god!" Confused, the model slowly begins to dress himself. "Thank you. Today as inspiration, I have brought in what I consider 'true art.' These fossils," as he began to place the bones on the table, "are millions of years old, and.. are just... so cool! So, enjoy, and do whatever you artists...do." As sweat began to form at his temples, Ross looked around the classroom at the thirty blank faces staring back at him. "Any questions?" he asked.
"Yeah, um, what do fossils have to do with post modernist art? I mean, that's what this class is supposed to be about, right?" one student asked.
"And really, fossils? I just don't see how this relates to what we are studying," another replied.
"Good points," Ross hesitantly answered. "Good points all around. Let me get back to you on this one. Class um... dismissed."
CHAPTER 5
Monica and Rachel sit on the couch, next to Chandler whose five o'clock shadow has given him the appearance of a man twenty years his senior. His blood shot eyes, out of control hair, and continuous hand tremors make it obvious that he hasn't been getting a lot of sleep.
"Now, Chandler," Monica began, "The only way to get you out of this is for us to use a technique called 'flooding' which I read about in the book 'How to Overcome Your Phobia.' We plan on sitting here for as long as it takes for you to get over your fear of scary movies. Rachel and I have rented our top 15 favorite scary movies, and the only reason that you will be allowed to leave this couch for the next 45 hours is to go to the bathroom – in which case I have created a schedule for you to go relieve yourself every one and one half movies. All set?"
Chandler nodded reluctantly while sucking his thumb.
CHAPTER 6
Ross stops by Phoebe's apartment on his way back from work. He knocks on her door, she opens it, and Ross walks in. Still sweating from earlier, Ross began, "Phoebs, you've gotta help me. You are the most artistic person I know, and I am just failing at teaching this art class! I'm this close to being fired, and I just can't afford it because Ben is going to private school, and... and.. I'm too young to be unemployed!"
"Ross, calm down! Of course I'll help you with your class. It will be fun. You just need to relax and feel the inner artist within you."
CHAPTER 7
The next day, Phoebe entered the classroom, guitar in hand, blonde hair wildly capped under a black beret, dressed head to toe in black except for a bright orange paisley scarf tied around her neck. "Okay, listen up, people. Today we are going to experience some real art. None of this juvenile fossil stuff you've been doing." Dramatically, she took out her guitar and takes a seat next to the spot where the formerly nude model was standing. "Now, people, I want you to draw the music. Let yourself go, and experience the mood of this song." She began to play and sing. "I paint in the morning, I doodle at night/ sometimes what I paint or draw gives me a fright/ but I try and I try and I try and I try...../ and that's why I like (CLAP) I like art! Now you try!" Confusion ensues. Some students take her seriously and with silent determination try to draw the song. Others look around the room and non-verbally agree that the class is ridiculous. Phoebe hopped off of the stool, nodded to Ross as if to signal, "job well done," and then turned to the model. "Hi, there" she says, her voice lowering in pitch. "You're cute..."
CHAPTER 8
Back in Monica and Rachel's apartment, Chandler had had enough. "Listen, this is stupid already! All of these movies have basically the same plot, and none of it is in the slightest bit plausible. The chances that that crazy wacko is going to escape from jail, hijack a bus, and knock on your door is completely insane! I was crazy to be so afraid of these movies. Thanks, guys!
"You're welcome," Monica and Rachel, both pale, say in unison. Chandler looks to see the two holding each other, both clearly affected by the violent videos they had just seen.
"Come on, guys, it was just a movie!"
CHAPTER 9
The gang is back in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey iremarked on the week's events. "You know, Ross, I find it completely luferous that you didn't ask me to help you with your class. I mean, I am a genius! I have the delictitious ability for knowledge, and I could have helped you, man."
"Joe, just be glad that it's finally over – and I can go back to my real job..."
"Yeah," Rachel interrupted. "Playing with his dinosaur toys!"
Ross glared at her. "Um, Joe, do you still have that copy of your transcript? Because, I mean, I'm no genius, but last time I checked, luferous was never a word," Chandler asked.
"Yeah, it's right here." Joey pulled the envelope out of his pocket.
Chandler takes it, studies it for a moment, then hesitantly said, "Uh, Joe, this envelope is addressed to a Mr. Joseph Tribianno who lives in South Jersey. And by the look of things, he's fifteen."
"Fifteen! What?" After thinking for a moment, he continued, "So does that mean..?
"Yes."
"And so I'm not...."
"No."
"And that means that I have to take off this bowtie and suspenders, and stop growing my goatee?
"Only if you want to."
"Joey, we're so sorry. You know that we still love you," Rachel said.
"Joe, do you want me to make you a sandwich?" Monica asked.
"A meatball sub? Sure. Aw, thanks, you guys!" Joey answered.