Summary:

In which Ron tells Harry about his utterly horrid nightmare

"Ron. Hey Ron. Roooooooooonnnnn. Ron!! Wake up! Hey. Wake up! Ronniekins, wake up!" Harry Potter shook his best friend awake.

"Huh-huh what?!" Ron asked groggily.

"You were making disturbing noises. I couldn't sleep," Harry replied, pointing towards himself.

Ron stared at Harry as if he had a purple moustache on his upper lip. With purple cheeks to go with it.

And then realization kicked in.

"Oh Harry! I had the most horrid, horrible, horrendous, horrifying-"

"I think they all mean the same thing Ron-"

"- dream!"

"Dream?! What was it Ron?! Did someone get injured? Killed? Tortured perhaps? Was Voldemort in it? Was he the one torturing? Killing?" Harry asked, getting worked up.

"You are one morbid, paranoid freak Harry. No. My dream wasn't about people injured, dying, or tortured. Neither was You-Know-Who injuring, killing, or torturing."

There was a pause.

"You know, you really need some help Harry. Go to a psycho-tist or something. Or are they psycho-ticks?"

"Psychiatrist, Ron."

"Oh right! Psychictrists."

"You need to have your hearing checked, Ron. They're getting worst each day!"

"My hearing is perfectly fine! It's just those Sense Cease tarts the twins gave me last week. Hasn't properly worn off yet."

"But Ron! The ones you took were supposed to make you blind, not deaf!"

"Oh right! Now I remember! I ran into the Ferret and thought he was you! Don't know why I ever mistook the two of you. After all, he has much softer skin, and a much taller frame. And he's so much muscular than you too. And his hair is silkier, and his face is sharper, and his walk his more elegant, his speech is more refined, his clothes are more--"

"Wait, wait! How did you know that is face is sharper? And how can you even see his walk? He didn't even say a word! And I have skin as soft as him, thank you very much! And he is only taller by me then an inch! And as far as I'm concerned, he sits on that broomstick of his just as much as I do, so he probably has the same muscles as I do! And have you been touching his hair?!" Harry practically shrieked.

"Hermione's not going to like this." He added, in a much more solemn tone.

"Don't be a prat! I just notice all these when he walks pass or—Never mind, Harry! Back to my dream now!"

"Right, right."

"Well, I was in the Great Hall. And all four tables had food on them."

"Really?! I never knew the tables held food!" Harry cried dramatically.

"Shut up Harry."

A grin and a pause.

"As I was saying, the tables had food on them—Stop snickering Harry!—Right, and I headed over to the Slytherin table."

A shudder. Followed by another. And another. And another. And another.

"Stop that!" Harry said, shuddering himself.

One last shudder and both stop.

"Right.... So then I sit down, next to Millicent Bulstrode!"

A large gasp.

"You didn't!"

"I did!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Another loud gasp.

"Well then, what next?"

"Oh, right. I reached for a plate of waffles. And they were best I ever saw, Harry!"

"Best you ever saw?"

"Yes, the best I ever saw. They were exactly golden brown and the little squares-"

"Little squares?"

"- Yes, the little squares, were perfectly perfect."

"Wow, perfectly perfect."

"And smoke was arising from the stack-"

"Steam, I believe."

"And it looked perfectly delightable!"

"Delightable? That's not a word, I think you mean delectable."

A stare.

"You're becoming more like Hermione."

"I am not!"

"Yes you are!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Not!"

"Are!"

"Can you two shut up? I'm trying to sleep over here!"

"Sorry Seamus."

Seamus goes back to sleep while Ron turns back to Harry.

"As I was saying, I reached out for my stack of waffles when Millicent snatched them away!"

A large, unbelievable gasp.

"She didn't!"

"She did!"

"She di-"

"SHUT UP!"

"Anyway, she ate them all in one large swallow!"

"Ate them in one large swallow? I don't think that's-"

"Possible? That's what I thought!"

"No, I don't think your grammar is correct."

"Hermione Number Two."

A glare.

A sigh.

"So do you want to listen to the rest of it?"

"Fine."

"So I reached for the pile of toast, but it was snatched away again!"

"By Millicent?"

"No! By a cow!"

"Oh... Pansy Parkinson?"

"No! A cow... you know... that muggle animal that goes 'Moo'...?"

"Oh right that kind of cow."

"How many types of cows are there, Harry?"

"Well, there's the Rita Skeeter type, and Pansy Parkinson type, there's the Dudley type and then there's that-"

"Never mind Harry."

A pause.

"So the cow ate the toast?"

"No, it placed...spi...sp-id...sp-ide... spid--er..."

"Spiders?"

Terrified shriek.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!!"

Seamus glares before rolling to the other side of the bed.

"You know, I never imagined a cow actually taking a plate and covering it with spiders. I mean how can it grip onto the plate without hands? I mean... hoofs?"

"It used its mouth."

A blink.

"That's disgusting."

"I know."

Another blink.

"So of course, I run towards the Ravenclaw table instead. But—but-"

"But...?"

"The food turned to a giant teddy bear!"

"Teddy bear?"

"Teddy bear!"

"Oh. That's... odd isn't it?"

"No it isn't! I love Mister Rocky!"

"Who's Mister Rocky?"

Horrified look.

"Oh! Oh! It's that old toy right at the bottom of your trunk isn't it?!"

Another horrified look.

"How'd you know about that?"

"Oh... Long story! Back to the dream please!"

A long stare.

"Right, so I hug Mister Rocky and bring him to the Hufflepuff table. And there's this big bowl of porridge that catches my eye, naturally."

"Naturally."

"So I began eating it. And there are these black bits in it. Thought they were raisins."

Shudder.

"Why are you shuddering?"

"Because the bits were... they were... SPIDER EYES!"

Large gasp.

"No!"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Ye-"

"SHUT UP! Don't you people know that it's time to sleep?!!"

"Sorry."

Pause.

"I'm wondering, how did you know they were spiders'? Why not newts?"

"Harry, it's my dream, I know better."

Harry gets hit by a pillow. Followed by another. And another.

"SHUT UP!"

"Ron! Finish up your dream quick! Seven minutes only!" Seamus commands.

"Seven?"

"Yes, seven!"

Intake of breath.

"So I spit it out, only to find that I had spat it on Snape, who had McGonagall around his waist. And he didn't give me any detention because he was too busy talking nonsense to her!"

"Wait stop!"

"What? I'm trying to be quick here!"

"What do you mean by nonsense?"

"You know! Sweetheart...love... precious...honey..."

Shudder.

"Hurry it up!"

"Fine. Fine."

Intake of breath.

"So Dumbledore comes in and argue with Snape over McGonagall's hand for marriage! I, however was heading over to the Gryffindor table to eat. As I pull over a plate of scones, Dumbledore starts dueling with Snape! Worst still, Snape's hex missed Dumbledore, and hit my plate instead!"

"Let me guess, the scones turned to spiders?"

"Oh no Harry, it was worse."

"Really? What happened?"

"They turned into my Mum! Real small versions of my Mum! Many versions of my Mum! With howlers in their hands! I try to run out of the hall, but Millicent and the cow pulls-bite, me back. Then Mister Rocky sits on me, but Dumbledore's spell misses and it turns to a big hairy spider instead! Then the howlers explode and all I hear is Hermione and you telling me to study and study and study, all the while the spider's licking me!"

"That's all?"

"Yeah, that's all."

"It wasn't that horrible."

"Yeah, it was worse than what I had thought."

"Time's up!" Seamus announced.

"We still had 9 seconds!"

A glare.

"Alright, alright, we're going to bed. Goodnight Ron, Seamus."

"Night Harry."

"Finally! Silence!"

Lights are turned off. There is silence for the next 14 minutes 23 seconds.

"You know Harry, we gasp too much."

"Do not!"

"Do too."

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do n-"

"SILENCIO!"

And all is quiet once again.