Season Four As It Should Be

by Jewls13

As early pioneers in the knowing, that when you lose your reason, you attain highest perfect knowing." In a world where actor availability doesn't dictate storylines, season 4, our way. "Its like East and West Berlin without the laughs"

4. Dirty Deeds

For my pal Nate :)

Chapter 4: Dirty Deeds

INT. YALE DORM - BEDROOM

Paris is asleep. A tape player sounds with a smooth voice: "You are an intelligent, strong, competent woman. You are master of your domain. You have the world at your fingertips. You can conquer all things." Paris's lips almost move to the words of the woman on the tape as she sleeps. Her alarm goes off. She wakes and mouths in sync with the tape "I can conquer all things." She stretches and gets out of bed.

::OPENING CREDITS::

INT. YALE DORM

Later. Paris exits her room. Her dorm mate is at the table eating cereal.

DORM MATE: (through a mouthful of cereal) 'Morning, Paris.

PARIS: Good morning, Remus.

DORM MATE: Remus?

PARIS: The kid raised by wolves who didn't become the first king of Rome.

DORM MATE: (gulping down the food) Sorry.

PARIS: So what's the agenda for today?

DORM MATE: Well, today's garbage day and Joanna is up on the rotation but today's an away game and so she's not going to be here tonight.

PARIS: I thought she dumped the quarterback.

DORM MATE: Affirmative. But now she's with the full back.

PARIS: Well, I'm booked today. Looks like you'll have to do it this week, Trace.

TRACY: Um, the thing is that I did the garbage last week and Joanna already owes me a day because I covered her when she was still with the quarterback, so in the interest of fairness...

PARIS: Tracy, Tracy, Tracy. You still think life is fair? While I'll admit that's cute in an infantile way, this is college. Wake up. Life isn't fair. That's why girls who slut around with the whole football team aren't branded with letters and get to escape garbage duties. That's why twelve year olds are sitting in college classrooms where they don't belong stealing first honors from the hardworking normal people who do belong. Life isn't fair. That's why there always has to be someone to clean up its mess and set things right. I've already started the battle, but I can't take them all on. I can't be expected to worry about putting Lavinia Boyd back in her place and the recyclables in their place, too. But you Tracy, you, like me, are a victim of life's unfairness. Take arms, my friend. Take out the trash.

TRACY: (dazed) It's morning. All I wanted to do was eat my cereal before class while my brain is still sleeping. And now you come with your Cicero speeches and. I can't take those so early in the morning. My brain isn't armed against them.

PARIS: Life's not fair.

TRACY: I guess not.

Tracy takes her bowl back into her room. Paris smirks in victory.

PARIS: (to herself) I can conquer all things. Yes, Lavinia Boyd. Even you.

INT. CLASSROOM

The professor lectures.

PROFESSOR: I was pleased to see this weekend that many of you in your papers were aptly able to discuss the existential concerns of the text with some of the new Hegelian critics we've looked at like Butler. One of you was particularly perceptive in noticing the text was also deeply involving Lacan. Miss Boyd, would you care to share with the class some of your observations?

LAVINIA: Well Professor, I was just noticing that mirrors appear often in the text and in many ways the characters are set up as mirror images, and it reminded me of Lacan's rewriting of Freud's identification theory with the mirror stage, and how that works with the Hegelian dialectic.

PROFESSOR: We will be discussing Lacan and Hegel in further detail next class. Good work, everyone, and thank you, Miss Boyd.

The class begins to empty out. Paris catches up with Lavinia.

PARIS: Very nice work, Boyd. How on earth did it occur to you look at what's next in the syllabus to find out where the professor was going with the class?

LAVINIA: You again. Do you have a problem with me?

PARIS: So you really are perceptive. Well good for you. I just thought I'd give fair warning to let you know that the war has been declared, the battle lines have been drawn, and you, sister, are going down.

LAVINIA: What?

PARIS: And another thing. The innocent act—I know that all too well. You think you're the first Polly Pocket Princess I've taken down? I know all your strategies. I have counteroffensives for all of them. You can't surprise me. You can fool the Admissions Board, but you can't fool me.

LAVINIA: I'm sorry. I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about, but I have a class to get to and I'm sure you have a doctor to get to. It was nice talking to you, though. See you around.

Lavinia leaves

INT. CAFETERIA

Rory sits with a book in front of her, staring out the window. Paris comes to her table

PARIS: I never took you for a daydream believer. I thought your part was the Homecoming queen.

RORY: Huh? Oh. Hi, Paris.

PARIS: No time for small talk. I'm planning my battle strategy. This is going to be a huge operation. I need all the help I can get.

RORY: What are we talking about?

PARIS: Lavinia Boyd.

RORY: Who?

PARIS: Brainy Jon Benet. Get a memo.

RORY: You're still on that?

PARIS: It's getting worse. Even the professor is kissing her ass.

RORY: And your ass is jealous?

PARIS: Let's get real.

RORY: Some medication might help you with that.

PARIS: The only thing I'm figuring is that this operation is going to require extensive funding.

RORY: Yes, Bush is pretty lucky to have the American taxpayers funding his revenge attacks.

PARIS: Tell me about it. I guess daddy will have to do.

RORY: Wow, it really is a different world.

PARIS: How many radios do you think you'll need?

RORY: What?

PARIS: Radio communicators. I'm going to need people on round the clock surveillance. Do you want one to keep at your mother's? Or you grandmother's?

RORY: This is a new level of crazy even for you.

PARIS: I'm paying for them.

RORY: No, your father is paying for them. I would keep telling you how ridiculous you're acting but I'd just be wasting my breath. And I need it right now because respiration is very important for me right now. My brain needs oxygen because it's thinking and it needs to think because it has a lot of things to think about and it really doesn't need to think about how crazy you are because it doesn't need any ideas and I don't need...this. I'll see you, Paris.

Rory leaves

PARIS: And they call me crazy.

INT. DOOR ROOM

Paris paces around the room with the phone in her hand. Tracy's head follows her back and forth.

TRACY: Why don't you just relax? I'm sure your father is just running a little late with it. Maybe he didn't have a chance to go to the bank yet. Or maybe he just forgot for a second.

PARIS: I'm sure he would forget but his secretary is the one who deposits the money. She doesn't forget. She's part Swedish, part cyborg. My father must be up to something. He's playing hardball. He wants something from me. I guess being a first-rate intellectual with the savvy to take any position of power I want to in a few years and boost the stock of the family name isn't enough for him. What could he want?

TRACY: I'm sure you're making this into more of a big deal than it really is.

The phone rings. Paris picks up immediately

PARIS: (fake, sweetly) Daddy?

JAMIE: Ooh, I like it when you call me daddy, though I admit, this is the first time.

PARIS: (deflated) Oh, you again. What is it?

JAMIE: Are you okay?

PARIS: I'm expecting a very important phone call.

JAMIE: The same call you were expecting an hour ago?

PARIS: Yeah. So what?

JAMIE: Maybe he's not going to call.

PARIS: While I admit that would not be unusual for my family, I'm pretty sure he's going to call. He's up to something. He's making me wait purposely and I really don't have time to get into the details with you because I need this line open. I'll call you later.

JAMIE: I might be expecting an important phone call later.

PARIS: Suit yourself. (she hangs up.) Men can be so needy. It's amazing that the myth of female dependency lasted so long.

TRACY: Says the girl who's waiting for her dad to call and send her money.

The phone rings again

PARIS: Jamie, if you call me one more time...

FATHER: Paris, it's your father.

PARIS: Oh. Hello, dad.

FATHER: Hello, Paris. How is school?

PARIS: Good. Very good. Excellent in fact. Top of the class as always.

FATHER: Well, not always, but that's a technicality. I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I got your message.

PARIS: Oh that's right. Well, the situation is this. I was going to the cash machine to get some money out to buy some books and my balance wasn't where it should be. Florence must have forgotten the deposit this week.

FATHER: Florence never forgets anything.

PARIS: I was being polite.

FATHER: It's not a Gellar trait, is it?

PARIS: No, it's not.

FATHER: Well, Paris, I'm the one who forgot. I forgot to tell you that I will not be giving you an allowance anymore.

PARIS: Dad, my time is precious. Let's cut to the chase. What do you want?

FATHER: I want you to be happy.

PARIS: Humor is not a Gellar trait either.

FATHER: I'm serious, Paris. I went to see Dr. Schwartz and he made me realize that I'm not happy with my life. Do you want to know why?

PARIS: Do you want me to answer that?

FATHER: It's because it's not my life. It's my father's. I've spent my whole life living my father's life. I went to his school, used his money, took over his company. I don't want the same thing to happen to you. As much as I don't applaud the circumstances under which it happened, I'm glad you went to a different school. You have a chance to be different, to be your own person. You need to go out into the world, make your own choices, your own dreams...

PARIS: My own money.

FATHER: Yes. Dr. Schwartz thinks that it would be liberating for me as well if I set you free, so to speak.

PARIS: Who is this crackpot? What are his credentials? Don't tell me he got his PH.D. at Columbia Pacific also.

FATHER: Paris, he's right. I was going through a midlife crisis. I was feeling old and miserable. And the truth is, I am getting old. I'm not always going to be around. I want to know that you are going to be happy, that you are going to be able to live your life, your own life, and make the most of it, do what I didn't.

PARIS: Why can't you have a midlife crisis like a normal person? Get a leather jacket, dye your hair, screw a couple of young, dumb blondes.

FATHER: This is different for you. I'm not normally like this and this is a whole new situation. You're feeling the world open up in front of you and it scares you so you're lashing out.

PARIS: Don't give me your Maharishi Mahesh Yogi talk. I'm lashing out because you're stealing my property. I worked damned hard for that money. You think it's easy putting up with this family. I'm the one who keeps the household working. You think you'd still have that money if I wasn't constantly on top of your accountants, your brokers, even Florence, mind you. Didn't I coach you and mom both on discretion? What the neighbors wouldn't have been saying? I deserve that money. That's my reward for making the Gellar family work. You want to grow a mop top and sing "Love is All You Need" go ahead. You can even vote for Nader next election for all I care, but I want a deposit in my account by tomorrow or so help me, I will divorce this family and sue you for all you're worth. Hal answers to me.

FATHER: Hal's not our lawyer anymore. Dr. Schwartz' son is a lawyer. We went with him. Paris, I understand that you're upset, but trust me that I'm only doing what's best for you.

PARIS: You mean what's best for Dr. Schwartz.

Father; You should be grateful to Dr. Schwartz. He made me realize that I should not be disappointed about your not getting into Harvard but happy. It wasn't anything your mother or I did. It was your mistake, proof that you are living your own life. And now I'm making it official.

PARIS: And how exactly am I supposed to live with my very own new life without money?

FATHER: Well, I suppose you'd have to get a job. An exciting endeavor. Good luck. I have to go now, Paris. I'm expecting an important phone call.

PARIS: From Dr. Schwartz? Tell him I'll see him in court. Or in hell. Whichever comes first.

FATHER: Have a great day in school.

Paris hangs up song: Victim of Reality by Pennywise

TRACY: Welcome to female independence.

Paris shoots her an evil look. Tracy cowers behind a book.

CUT TO:

Some days later. Rory is leaving her room. Paris approaches. Rory closes the door very quickly.

RORY: Paris! I mean, Paris. What brings you to these parts?

PARIS: (handing Rory an envelope) Here.

RORY: What's this?

PARIS: Open it.

RORY: It's addressed to you.

PARIS: I know. I can't open it. Would you please open it for me and tell me what is says for Christ's sake?

RORY: Okay.

Rory opens envelope, starts to read,

RORY: Regret to inform you...

Paris snatches the paper

PARIS: You've got to be kidding me.

RORY: What was that about?

PARIS: A paid internship at the Portuguese Consulate. I can't believe this. So much rejection in a few days. I can't process this. I'm not used to this.

RORY: You'll find something. In the meantime, if you need anything, lunch money, whatever, don't hesitate to ask.

PARIS: I'm not a pauper you know. Last thing I need is charity from Rory Gilmore. I still have a grand in my account.

RORY: Then what are you so worried about? That should cover your expenses.

PARIS: These are not the Reagan 80s, Rory. Litigation fees are sky high.

RORY: Litigation fees?

PARIS: You didn't think I was going to take this sudden destitution without a fight?

RORY: You're suing your father?

PARIS: No. His shrink.

RORY: Nope. That's still crazy.

PARIS: I don't need any assessments on my mental health. Too many crackerjacks are going around telling other people what's wrong with them.

RORY: Paris, you have to be real here. Getting a job is not the worst thing in the world. It would in fact look very impressive on a graduate school application to show that you were competent enough to work and go to school full time and take on that kind of responsibility.

PARIS: True.

RORY: And if you drop the litigation fees, you don't need that much money, and you could probably take on a simple job on campus that wouldn't be so demanding on your academic schedule.

PARIS: It's not just litigation fees. I still have Lavinia Boyd to worry about.

RORY: I really thought I had brought you to the threshold of sanity.

PARIS: Well, think again. Wait a minute...

RORY: Okay, Lavinia Boyd. You need money to fund your little war with her. Use that as motivation, then. You need a job now. So maybe you should consider aiming a little...not lower, but more practically. A job at the library, at a tutoring center, the cafeteria even.

PARIS: I will never be so desperate as to resort to menial labor. I guess I could tutor, though.

RORY: So there you go.

INT. LEARNING CENTER

Paris is talking with a gentleman

PARIS: Thank you, Mr. Johnson, for hiring me.

MR. JOHNSON: Well, I have to tell you, you're a little overqualified. You list here specialties in calculus, physics, research writing. Most of our clients are just kids who need help with fractions, long division, spelling and grammar. What I'll do is try to give you the oldest of the bunch. How's your algebra and geometry?

PARIS: Exceptional, sir.

MR. JOHNSON: Well that's great. I'll introduce you to your pupil for today. (calling to a young boy) Alex, come here.

Alex comes over

MR. JOHNSON: Alex, this is Paris. She'll be helping you today.

ALEX: I ain't never seen her before.

PARIS: Haven't ever.

ALEX: What?

PARIS: You haven't ever seen me here before.

ALEX: I know. I just said that.

MR. JOHNSON: Paris is new, Alex. Go easy on her.

ALEX: Okay. (walks to a table muttering to himself) My mom brings me here to learn something and I gotta get the dumb new kid.

Paris stands transfixed. Alex looks back at her

ALEX: Well come on.

Later. Paris looks exasperated. Her hair is tussled and her face is in her hands. She slowly creeps up from behind her hands.

PARIS: Ashley, how do you find the perimeter of a quadrilateral?

ASHLEY: You add up all the sides.

PARIS: Right. So if Charlie wants to walk around the square, he has to walk the perimeter of the square. You know what how to find perimeter. Why can't you figure out the perimeter of this square?

ASHLEY: I only know the length of one side.

PARIS: (yelling) It's a square, for Christ's sake! All the sides are the same! (all eyes are on Paris' table). So you see, you use an exclamation point when you want to show a person is yelling. Like I did now.

ALEX: Nice cover.

PARIS: Did you finish your problem yet, Alex?

ALEX: I think so, but can I ask a question?

PARIS: Is it a stupid question?

ALEX: There's no such thing as a stupid question.

PARIS: What's your question, Alex?

ALEX: Who's Pythagorean?

PARIS: Congratulations, Alex. You just invented the stupid question.

ASHLEY: If all the sides are the same, why does the guy want to go around the square? You've seen one side, you've seen them all.

PARIS: (dropping her head on the table) I don't know, Ashley. Maybe he's an idiot. By any chance, are you two related?

ASHLEY: Could be. My uncle's name is Charlie but I don't think he ever wanted to go around a square. He pretty much stays home watching tv.

ALEX: I have another question, Paris.

Paris looks up, weary beyond all years song: Victim of Reality cont...

PARIS: What?

ALEX: See, I know you can only use the Pythagorean Theorem on a right triangle, but how do you know what's a wrong triangle?

Paris gets up and walks away.

INT. DORM ROOM

Later. Paris walks in

TRACY: How did it go?

Paris grunts

TRACY: Not too well, I take it.

PARIS: I can't go back there.

TRACY: Sure you can, Paris. Just remember that nothing is as bad as it seems at first.

PARIS: No. I really can't go back there. I have three restraining orders against me.

TRACY: Maybe working with children is not your strong suit.

PARIS: Ya' think.

TRACY: Well, I have good news for you. The public library is in need of help. I picked you up an application.

PARIS: (deflated) Thanks. Right now, I just want to take a shower and sit down for a quiet evening with the newspaper.

TRACY: Um, actually, I have this great book you might want to read instead.

PARIS: Whatever you've read, I've probably read it.

TRACY: Just don't read the newspaper.

PARIS: Why not?

TRACY: All that political propaganda. It's contaminating.

Tracy takes the newspaper on the couch and folds it in her arms.

PARIS: Right.

Paris takes another newspaper from the table.

PARIS: (Reads) "Child Genius Raises the Bar on Education." You've got to be kidding me. Who wrote this? How could Doyle allow this and not tell me about it?!

TRACY: It's not even a very good article. But did you know she speaks eight languages and plays four instruments?

PARIS: Give me that library application!

Paris snatches it from Tracy's hand and goes into her room

INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY

New day. Paris is seated at an information counter. A bunch of young kids is gathered at a table, talking. Paris looks to them.

PARIS: Excuse me, but can you please note the sign.

Paris points to a sign that reads, "No talking. Please whisper." The young people start whispering but soon their voices escalate. Paris shushes them. Again they whisper and again their voices escalate. Paris gets up threateningly when an elderly gentleman walks over.

MAN: Excuse me, but I was wondering if you could help me find a book. I don't know the title or the author.

PARIS: (recovers to professional congeniality) That shouldn't be a problem. What is the book about?

MAN: It's about a whale. And a crazy captain. It's supposed to be a classic.

PARIS: Moby Dick?

MAN: No, I don't think so. A white whale. Crazy captain.

PARIS: I'm pretty sure it's Moby Dick.

MAN: I'm pretty sure it isn't. Moby Dick sounds like a children's book.

PARIS: It's not. It's one of the best American novels of the 18th century, 100 times the size of Green Eggs and Ham.

MAN: All the same, I'm pretty sure it's not Moby Dick.

PARIS: Would you like to at least look at the book?

MAN: I guess I could take a look at it.

Paris takes him to the shelf and hands him a copy of Moby Dick.

MAN: See, this isn't it. I remember the cover.

PARIS: Different editions have different covers.

MAN: I'm telling you this wasn't it.

PARIS: Was it nonfiction?

MAN: No. It was a novel. A classic novel about a white whale. How many could there be?

PARIS: One and you're looking at it.

MAN: This is not the book I'm talking about.

PARIS: (testy and slightly loud) Well the book you're talking about, sir, does not exist.

MAN: How could you say it doesn't exist when I'm telling you I saw it.

PARIS: (scathing) I don't know. Did you take your medication this morning, grandpa?

MAN: That's what I'll do. I'm calling my grandson. He'll know which book I'm talking about. He's the one that said I should read it.

The old man pulls out a cell phone.

PARIS: I'm sorry, sir, but you can't use cell phones in here.

MAN: I see. You just don't want to be proven wrong. That's fine. I hear the library in the next town has a smart girl running the info counter.

PARIS: Call the kid!

MAN: Thank you. (he dials) Hello, Louise. How's my little girl. How's school...Did you really? Well that's great...I don't believe it...That's wonderful sweetheart...

PARIS: Speed it up, grandpa.

MAN: Okay Louise, that's very nice. I want to hear all about it when I see you. Is your brother there? Could you put him on?...Hello, Max, how are you? How's school?...Did you really? That's wonderful...

PARIS: While one of us is still alive...

MAN: Uh, listen Max, you remember that book you had asked me to read last week? You were talking about it all throughout dinner. What was the name of the book?...That's it. Thank you. I'm at the library right now. I'm going to get it and we'll be able to talk about it better next time...Okay. Say hello to your mother for me...Bye. (hangs up)

PARIS: (smiling) Here you go sir.

Paris hands him back Moby Dick

PARIS: The check out counter is right over there.

MAN: This is not it.

PARIS: What?

MAN: It's The Sea Wolf.

PARIS: What? No, I'm sorry. Your grandson is wrong.

MAN: How could my grandson be wrong?

PARIS: Oh my God. Don't tell me your grandson is the first infallible five-year-old to walk the face of the earth.

MAN: Five-year-old? My grandson is nineteen years old and he goes to Harvard!

PARIS: (loudly) I don't care if he's twelve years old and goes to Oxford. He's wrong. There's not even a whale in The Sea Wolf!

The young kids at the table shush Paris and point to the sign. She glares at them evilly.

MAN: I may have been mistaken about the whale.

PARIS: May have been.

MAN: Well, I don't know for sure. I have to read the book. Do you have it?

PARIS: Either you take Moby Dick out with it or you don't take anything out.

MAN: This is ridiculous! I'm going to the other library.

PARIS: Good! They shouldn't even let idiots into libraries.

MAN: And they certainly shouldn't employ them!

The man storms off. The young people at the table are silent looking at Paris

song: Victim of Reality cont...

PARIS: Shut up!

INT. DORN ROOM

Later. Paris enters her dorm. She practically fights her coat off her shoulders and throws it angrily onto a chair.

TRACY: Don't tell me you lost the job.

PARIS: That's fine because I'm not speaking to you at all.

TRACY: Aw man. You like books. I thought the public library would be so good for you.

PARIS: The library wasn't bad at all. It was the public part that killed me.

TRACY: Paris, you're going to have to develop some people skills if you want to get anywhere in the world. And I know the perfect place to do it. I saw a sign on Goldie's Diner. They need a waitress.

PARIS: No! I will never stoop down to menial bonehead labor.

TRACY: Hey, there's nothing bonehead about making a buck. And it would be a good learning experience for you.

PARIS: No, no, absolutely no! Listen, I don't want to hear any more talk about jobs. Did anyone call me?

TRACY: Yes. Let's see. (she grabs some papers). Jamie called you. Jamie called you again. Then this guy called you. His name was...oh, that's right. Jamie. And then this other guy called. He didn't give a name. He said he was your informer and he was ready to begin on the paper trail but he needed a deposit first. And finally, your nanny called, and Jamie called and said he would not be calling again.

PARIS: It took him long enough. So you said he wants a deposit?

TRACY: Jamie? No, I think he just wants a phone call.

PARIS: I'll call Jamie later. Don't you see all these pressures I have on me? I don't have time for Jamie.

TRACY: And she actually has a boyfriend and I don't.

PARIS: I'll tell you what else I have. I have pride and self-respect. I'll admit I need some money right now, but I am not going to degrade myself working at Goldie's diner. I, my friend, am a strong, intelligent competent woman. Things have hit a rough spot, but I can conquer this. I can conquer all things.

CUT TO:

INT. GOLDIE'S

Paris is dressed in a pink collared dress with an apron, standing on roller skates at a table of customers.

PARIS: (voice deflated) Welcome to Goldie's. (passes menus) Would you like to hear today's specials? (desperately) Please, say no.

WOMAN: But they're not written on the menu. How else will we know what the specials are?

YOUNG MAN: Oh that's right. They have to sing the specials here. Yeah, let's hear the song.

PARIS: I'm afraid I have laryngitis.

YOUNG MAN: I'll get the manager

WOMAN: Oh John, leave the poor girl alone.

YOUNG MAN: Hey, it's her job. Sing the song.

PARIS: (sighs) Some places have burgers that are moldy /

But you'll never have that problem here at Goldie's.

And today is a Tuesday

So hear the good news, yay /

Three ninety-five

for a burger and French fries

But if you're still sad /

It comes with salad /

And for a sweet day

You'll get some parfait.

Yes we keep you alive

For only Three ninety-five

Here at Goldie's Diner and Café.

WOMAN: We'll have three of your specials. Thank you very much. That was a...an interesting performance.

Paris rolls off and puts in the order. The manager comes over.

MANAGER: Paris, how's the first day going?

PARIS: (through her teeth) Just great.

MANAGER: Well that's good to hear. Listen, Paris, there have been a few complaints.

PARIS: Give me names, addresses, and phone numbers. I'll straighten them out.

MANAGER: See, we straighten things out a little differently here. Remember, Paris, the customer is always right. It's your first day so there were bound to be complaints. I'm just letting you know so you can work on them, you know.

PARIS: What were the complaints?

MANAGER: Okay. First, the song. We're not Star Search here, but you could put a little more pep into the song. We use it to help the newbies practice on their people skills. And speaking of people skills...

PARIS: Jesus.

MANAGER: The thing is, Paris, that when a customer says the meat is undercooked or the soup is salty, you don't say, "that's not my problem. Tell that to the cook." You take the undesired food away and tell the cook to fix it.

PARIS: Understood.

MANAGER: Great. One more thing. When the customer complains that the table is dirty, you don't point them to the napkins. When they ask for the ketchup, you don't tell them it's on the counter. Your job is to serve them. Customers should not be mopping their own messes.

PARIS: That's where I think this industry has it all wrong...

MANAGER: But um, until you're the manager, Paris, what you think about the "industry" doesn't really matter. You're a waitress. Aw, now don't take this too hard. It's your first day. Put a smile on. Remember the motto. "We don't just serve with a smile, we serve for a smile."

PARIS: Yeah, yeah. All right.

MANAGER: You're doing great. Oh, and just so you know, you have bathroom duty today. Actually, I shouldn't say bathroom duty. We don't like to call it that because it sounds like bathroom doodie. (laughs briefly) We call it restroom service. Get it?

PARIS: Yeah. Ha ha. Very funny. I should get back to work.

MANAGER: That's what I like about you, Paris. No nonsense. Get back to work.

Paris rolls off a little ways, and looks back as the manager ducks into the office. She kicks the counter, loses balance, and falls. song: Victim of Reality cont...

INT. DORM ROOM

Paris rolls into the dorm room. Tracy looks at her and laughs.

PARIS: You did this to me. I'm going to kill you!

Paris charges into Tracy, but Tracy steps aside and Paris rolls into one of the rooms, Joanna's.

JOANNA: (O.S.) Paris! What are you doing? Get out of here.

Paris rolls out of the room, apparently pushed, and rolls right to the sofa where she collapses.

GUY VOICE: (O.S.) I knew I heard roller skates. I thought my mom was here.

PARIS: (calling out) That better not be vibrating pillow you're using in there.

GUY VOICE: She even sounds like my mother.

The door shuts

TRACY: Well I imagine if you still have the roller skates, you still have the job. You do know you can take them off, though, right?

PARIS: And as soon as I do I am going to kill you.

TRACY: It couldn't have been that bad.

PARIS: No. Not that bad. Worse.

TRACY: What happened to your shoes?

PARIS: I wish I knew.

The phone rings

PARIS: If that's Jamie, I'm not here.

TRACY: (deadpan) Oh, let me get that. (picks up) Hello?...Oh hi, Jamie. Yeah, Paris is right here. Hold on. (hands Paris the phone.) Talk to him.

Paris snatches the phone

PARIS: Hello, Jamie. Listen, I'm sorry to brush you off but I had a really bad day and I really don't feel like talking right now. I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

She hangs up

PARIS: I should go see Rory. She hasn't returned any of my calls.

TRACY: Can I ask you a personal question?

PARIS: Consult section five paragraph thirteen of the dorm mate code of conduct.

TRACY: I know, no personal questions to one Paris Gellar under any circumstances. But I'm not talking to you as a dorm mate.

PARIS: We're not friends, Tracy. The only reason you put any interest into my life...

TRACY: Is because nothing's going on in mine. I know. Which is why I would like to speak to you as an objective, disinterested spectator.

PARIS: All right, Tracy. Go ahead.

TRACY: What is your problem with Jamie?

PARIS: I don't have a problem with Jamie. I just don't have time for him right now.

TRACY: You have time for studies, you have time for extracurriculars, you have time to wage war against Lavinia Boyd, you have time to talk to Rory, you have time to talk to me...

PARIS: And after all of that, you think I have time left?

TRACY: My point is, you would think your boyfriend would rank higher on your priority list. You just blew Jamie off saying you didn't want to talk but you're ready to go over to Rory's room after you've been trying to call her all week.

PARIS: What are you trying to say?

TRACY: I'm not saying anything. I'm asking.

PARIS: Asking what? If I have feelings for Rory?

TRACY: Huh. I wasn't thinking that, but it does fit into the plot line.

PARIS: Well wake up, Jack. This is not Will & Grace. I need to speak to Rory for professional purposes. She's helping me with the Boyd offensive. She just doesn't know it yet.

TRACY: That still doesn't explain why you've been treating Jamie the way you have.

PARIS: Because I'm not going to practically throw my life away for Jamie, again. I wasn't supposed to be here. I was supposed to be in Harvard. I was supposed to give the valedictory address at Chilton and go to Harvard. Do you think any of this would have happened if I had been in Harvard? Do you think my father would be cutting off my allowance and talking about me finding my own way and making my own mistakes if I had gotten into Harvard? No! And do you know why I did not get into Harvard? Because I got sidetracked. I'm not blaming Jamie. It was my own fault for letting him distract me, but I'm not going to let that happen again. I'm the best. I'm supposed to be the best. Not second best. The best. I won't settle. I got sidetracked once and I lost my place and ended up having to settle for my second choice school, but I'm not going to just sit in my second-choice school and be second best. I'm going to be number one, with Jamie or without him.

TRACY: Wow. You're so much more messed up than I took you for.

song: In-Out by Remy Zero

Paris ignores her and stands up with new energy, and skates off to her room.

CUT TO:

Later that night. Paris is on the phone.

PARIS: You continued the article in my corner.

DOYLE: What do you mean your corner?

PARIS: Since I've started on the paper, my article has always appeared on the right corner of the third page. You would think that if you were going to use my corner for another article you would at least tell me about it, give me the option of writing the article.

DOYLE: I didn't know you knew who Lavinia Boyd was.

PARIS: So I investigate.

DOYLE: It didn't seem the kind of thing you'd like to do. You're not really a human interest writer. I guess because you have little interest in human beings.

PARIS: Not you, too...

DOYLE: Hey, don't take it the wrong way. That's what makes your writing great. It's hard-hitting, fierce, and scrupulously grammatical. But I like to see people reading my newspapers. I need stories people are going to read. Do you know what people like to read? They like to read about scandals, crimes, celebrities, and anomalies like twelve year old geniuses. You turn me in a story like that that people are going to want to read and you get your corner back.

PARIS: Fine.

DOYLE: Great. See you next week.

INT. GOLDIE'S DINER

Next day. Goldie's Diner. Paris is clearing up a table, and picks up a 10 cent tip in pennies. She skates over to another table. A group of Yale students are there, among them Lavinia Boyd. Paris stops in her tracks. She buries her head, pulls off her name tag, and goes over to the table.

PARIS: (in a masking deep voice) What can I get you?

GIRL #1: Do you have any specials?

PARIS: No.

GIRL #2: But it says here to ask about your specials?

PARIS: You did. I said we don't have any. Moving on.

LAVINIA: I know you. You go to our school. You stopped me in the hallway the other day. Paris, right?

PARIS: No. That's my twin sister. I'm Francis.

GIRL #3: (giggling) Paris and Francis.

PARIS: Can I take your order?

Girl # 1: I still don't know the specials.

A young man walks over.

YOUNG MAN: Paris, did I hear these girls ask about the specials?

PARIS: It's none of your business Eric.

ERIC: Paris, when the manager is not on the floor I am the acting manager.

GIRL #2: I thought your name was Francis.

ERIC: Where is you name tag, Paris? You had better get your name tag on and start singing before I write you up.

GIRL #3: Singing?

PARIS: Don't bother. I quit.

ERIC: You have to speak to the manager to do that.

PARIS: Where is he?

ERIC: In his office in the back.

PARIS: Fine.

Paris skates off to the back.

PARIS: (calling out) Mr. Gray, I need to speak to you.

She starts to open the door,

MR. GRAY: (O.S.) Just a second, Paris.

Paris closes the door, startled. She has seen something. Mr. Gray comes out

MR. GRAY: You needed to speak with me, Paris?

PARIS: Um, I forgot the words to the specials song.

MR. GRAY: They're on the board in the kitchen, Paris.

PARIS: That's right. Thank you.

Paris walks away, still a little dazed. Soon a sinister look creeps over her brow. She pulls out her cell phone.

PARIS: Doyle, it's me, Paris. I've got a story for you, and are people going to read it. Call me back for the details.

She looks out through the window of the kitchen door at Lavinia.

PARIS: I'm getting my place back. Just wait.

song: In-Out cont...

END OF EPISODE