Disclaimer- I dont own these boys. they are the proud property of CLAMP. i only own a vast supply of angst.

sometimes a song will eat at me. usually i make a music video when this happens. but every now and then a fic seems more appropriate. i have this unholy fascination with the subaru/seishiro combination. this is just a result of me poking at it again, from a different vantage point. the song is "Protect me from what I want", by Placebo. reviews are encouraged, loved, and make me write more.
-fireun

"It's the disease of the age
It's the disease that we crave
Alone at the end of the rave
We catch the last bus home
Corporate America waits
Coffee republic and cakes
We open the latch on the gate
Of the hole that we call a home..."

The sickly smell of wet dirt, wet pavement, and wet dumpster hung heavy in the air, the trademark musk of a busy city after a heavy rain. Wispy smoke trailed with a melancholic attitude through the city air, almost as if it would like to be anywhere but there, striving to make its way through atmosphere that was already too crowded. The cigarette that was the source of said smoke glowed quietly, unable to make much of a difference in the gloom of the waning day. The gentleman holding the cigarette was just that, a gentleman; well dressed in dark dress pants, shirt and tie with a long dark coat encompassing the entire ensemble. There any sort of mundane image ended. It was his location, more than anything else, which would throw off a viewer. It was a picturesque setting, his broad shouldered, tall form framed against what little sunset that was left behind the endless forest of buildings below and around him.

It was the below that was the hardest to comprehend. The man was perched nonchalantly atop one of the tallest office buildings in the area, almost as if he was trying his hardest to rise above the murky air of co many collected humans and the remains of their modern inventions and habits. As he watched, idly pulling on his cigarette every now and then, the city seemed to descend into darkness, pulled down into its smoke and sweat and shadows as the sun beat a frantic retreat. Office buildings reached desperately towards the sky like the fingers of a drowning man, trying with that last instant of hope to hold onto light and life.

And then darkness fell with the casual insistence of a hunting cat, swallowing all but the artificial glow of street lights and traffic. Trailing ash from the slowly dying cigarette the man stood, nonchalantly removing wide sunglasses with one hand and securing them in a deep coat pocket. Mismatched eyes regarded the city from a face which appeared to have mastered the art of smiling without any genuine humor or joy. It was the smile of the poor actor, one drawn by an artist unfamiliar with the partnered emotion, touching the lips but never quite making it to the rest of the face.

Somewhere....somewhere down there, in that city, there was a boy...

No. Not a boy anymore...

That was a lifetime ago.

There was a twisted bit of humor, self-deprecating and unpleasant it pulled the smile up towards eyes that had darkened with the accompanying thoughts. With a half shrug the man tossed aside the dead end of the cigarette, and leapt down, descending from his lofty perch to hunt.

"...Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me..."

Somewhere in this hellish spawn of a modern city was a boy no, a young man, who had once been a beaming mass of emotion, as innocently endearing as the city itself, and just as charming. Time passes, things change, become jaded. Dust, dirt, and wear and tear alter the edges; dull the shine- much like a penny that has sat too long forgotten in a parking lot, tails side up. The boy had aged, just as the shiny new city had, and the act of existing and experiencing the day to day grime and wear that life presents had taken away the glow.

'Sure. You had nothing to do with that.'

It was always insistently quiet, the persistent whine of a mosquito, his conscience. He had quelled it into that almost negligible volume and importance long ago. The alternative was not quite available, not with his lifestyle, his occupation. Still, as he stalked the streets, hands deep in his pockets, pleasant smile plastered on his lips, the image of green eyes wide with horror kept creeping into his minds eye.

The press of the evening breed of humanity was tight around him, from those heading to late occupations to those who were out on the streets looking for their own brand of adrenaline and adventure; the streets were thick with them in this odd period of transition between day and night. A young woman smiled up at him, inviting, as he paused to light another cigarette. With an impeccably polite smile and response he implied he had somewhere else to be, someone else to be with.

'You ruined that chance. Shattered it.'

"Shut up."

A passing couple glanced at him, thinking he was talking to them and offended. He waved at them with an apologetic smile. 'Don't mind the lone man talking to himself, it has been a long day' his facial expression explained. Mollified they moved on, just another random encounter to be forgotten between one breath and another.

How amusing, that all these people who bumped into him, passed him, tried to sell to him, rob him, how amusing that none of them knew the danger they would usually be in, how lucky they were that he had other prey this evening. Seishiro's mind was elsewhere, on a set of sparklingly innocent green eyes.



"...Maybe we're victim to fate
Remember when we'd celebrate
We'd drink and get high until late
And now we're all alone
Wedding bells ain't gonna chime
With both of us guilty of crime
And both of us sentenced to time
And now we're all alone..."

The acidic tang of cheap cigarette smoke puffed into existence, lighting an aristocratic lean face for an instant before the cigarette started a low steady burn. The young man replaced his lighter into the pocket of his jeans and took a long drag. Absent from his face was the usual pleasure a smoker took from their habit, instead his face turned in an almost grimace, as if he was smoking from a sheer force of will as opposed to any sort of enjoyment or need.

With grace that would make a gymnast envious he unfolded a lean, almost unhealthily so, form from its position on a bench, and stood silent and still for a moment, the slow burn of the cigarette marking the passage of time. The few scattered lights in the park shed a careful light on his lone form as he appeared to wait. The sough of a wind which spread cherry blossoms in a controlled sort of confetti seemed to stir him from his reverie. He tossed the cigarette without taking a second pull, shoved his hands in his pockets, and began to walk. It was the afternoon amble of a poet or dreamer, but taking place at the wrong end of the day.

'Subaru. Subaru! Wait up!'

Don't look back. There is no one there, not at this time of night, and especially not her...

'Subaru-kun, you shouldn't make your sister run after you like that.'

'Yes! Wouldn't you much rather have Sei-chan chase after you?'

Maybe he should take up drinking. The smoking wasn't cathartic, it was a punishment, an almost polite suggestion of self destruction in a person too duty driven to actually carry through with the sentiment.

"Chase after me? This time I am chasing after him."

Alone, walking through a park at night, dressed in worn jeans and a plain white shirt, shoulders braced against the world, he performed his nightly ritual of thought and hopeless searching. It was a horrific sort of pain, to desperately want to cling to your sister's murderer and ask them to take it all back, make it all better, but in all his days, he had two people to which to cling, and it made it damn difficult that one had decided to kill the other.



"...Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me..."

Those mismatched eyes, that smile which had suddenly turned obscene on that serene, beloved face. When had amused affection mutated into indolently malicious amusement? Those strong arms had seemed so comforting for so long, always there when he needed them, always ready to do anything in their power to help. Ready to tear apart the world to keep him safe...that determinedly vicious streak had never been apparent, never been revealed in those loving, happy eyes. Not until the last, not until he decided in a move fit for any Judas to take the only other thing that mattered in life. He hated that man, hated him for smiling, for killing, for tricking him all that time. Hated him, and missed him, and hated himself for that, for feeling so disloyal to his sister. One should not yearn after their sister's murderer; no matter how the bewildered the situation had left them.

They had been a terrible threesome back in that idyllic time, always together, always laughing, and wreaking havoc upon the unsuspecting world. Well, that was mostly Hokuto, but she was the humor behind their unit, just as Seishiro had been the backbone, the unobtrusive strength. He, Subaru, had settled in the quiet, bemused, center, eternally to be surrounded by their smiles. What a hell of a way to get woken up from the most spectacular dream of a life.



"...Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me..."

Wide green eyes, smiling, blushing, apologizing...gleaming with the newness, the innocence that usually failed to linger so long in most people. That must have been it, must have been what attracted him so easily, swallowed him whole. Holding that deceptively frail looking form as it shook with fear, with sorrow, or pulling it close and safe when it didn't have the strength to fight back anymore....that boy had given him so much. More than he had bargained for.

More than he had initially wanted.

Was it wrong to want to find him, to meet with him again, after all that had happened? It was an almost perverse desire to see what that boy...no, young man, would demand of him. He wanted to see those green eyes again, to see if they could manage to smile back in that old way anymore.

"...Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me..."

He wanted to find that man. He didn't know if he wanted to slap the smile off of that...smug face or cry and beg for an explanation. The part was far less comforting than he would want, or most people would expect. The smell of the flowers, the gentle warmth of the wind, it all reminded him of that man...

Subaru leaned back against a tree, pulling out another cigarette and setting it, lightless, between his lips. He could just smell the tobacco, the chemical sourness that would only intensify when lit. He wondered if that smell hovered around him now, and he knew his sister would not approve. That man would most likely smile at him, that false smile that went nowhere near those eyes, and tell him it was bad for his health.

"...Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me, protect me..."

Seishiro pulled his long coat tight against him powerful form, sighing quietly. He was having no luck this evening. He knew he could find Subaru if he truly wanted. The young man was marked, was his...

He wasn't going soft; it wasn't in his mental makeup. It was just...there was something about that young man, something that he wanted to touch, hold, protect...

He knew Subaru was leaning against a cherry tree this very minute, huddled and lonely. He wanted to go over to him, to look into green eyes and see if the hate had finally overwhelmed the affection. He expected the answer was yes, but he wanted to know for sure.

"...Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want..."

Subaru glanced up, pulled from his thoughts by the crunch of shoes on the pathway through the park. Who else would be walking...?

His thoughts stopped cold when he caught sight of the terrifyingly familiar form walking slowly towards him, pulling a cigarette from a deep coat packet. That head lifted to face him, an odd sort of smile on features that haunted Subaru's waking as well as sleeping moments.

"Good evening, Subaru-kun. Do you have a light?"

"...Protect me, protect me..."