Disclaimer: Harry Potter and his world belong to J.K. Rowling and her assorted publishers, not to me; I'm not making money off this.
Spoilers: All five HP novels.
PRELUDE TO WAR—MUSINGS & LETTERS
III: Albus and Harry (Friday morning, 5 July 1996)
Tonks came into HQ with a handful of scrolls. "Post time! Hi, Remus—this one's for you; just picked it up at Figg's." (Harry's mail was sent through Arabella Figg, so that post owls would not disturb his relatives; outgoing mail went the same way, and was a much shorter run for Hedwig.)
Remus took the scroll addressed to him, opened it, and scanned it quickly. "Looks like the usual 'I'm OK' report, but he promises a longer letter later." He took a second glance at it; then turned toward Tonks.
"How's he really doing? Do you ever see him?" For all his pain over so recently losing one of his dearest friends a second time, he knew at least that Sirius' fight was over; his current concern was for Harry, the much-loved cub of their odd pack.
"Uh-huh, he seems to be doing a lot of studying. I got a peek into his window a couple of days ago from broom-level and he was busy writing. Looked thoughtful and determined, not too broody." She sorted out some of the other scrolls and left them on the table to be picked up. She then went to the fireplace, threw in the Floo Powder, spoke the password, and said, "Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts!"
"Come on through, Tonks," said Dumbledore. "I take it that this is post from Harry?"
"Yes. There's one for you, and one for Snape, of all people!" She shook her head ruefully as she tossed the scrolls on the desk. While she secretly admired the sheer courage of their spy, his snarky-bastard attitude to the world was enough to irritate a saint—and Tonks wasn't a saint. "Well, gotta go—places to go, paperwork to file, bad guys to catch..." She grinned, blew the old Headmaster a kiss, and left the way she had come.
Dumbledore smiled at the brash young Auror, and turned his attention to the scrolls. "Fawkes, drop this off to Severus, would you please?" He handed his Phoenix the scroll for Snape, and gave the bird a head-scratch. Fawkes trilled quietly, and disappeared; he reappeared in a few minutes with a scrap of parchment, reading thus:
Letter received. SSDumbledore smiled. "Not a man of many words, is he?" He looked over at his familiar with love and respect. "Why don't you go out for a flight on such a nice day?"
Fawkes stretched his wings out a minute; then he flew over to his master's shoulder for a few minutes, affectionately rubbing the bearded cheek. He then hopped down to the desktop, and took off for the window and out. Dumbledore smiled again; then opened the scroll from Harry. It wasn't brief, either, and as he read it through, it was with very mixed emotions: great pride in Harry's owning up to his responsibilities and destiny, and equally great sorrow that so much should be laid on him still...
Dear Professor Dumbledore:
First of all, I want to apologize for wrecking your office last June. Yes, I was angry and hurting and you wouldn't let me out. But that is still no excuse for throwing things and breaking furniture. Please send me a bill for the repairs or replacements, if Reparo charms aren't enough, and I will repay you from my Gringotts account when I can get there next. Also, please tell the portraits that next time I am in your office, I will apologize to them; they should not have to have seen or heard that. I hope Headmaster Black understands that I was angry and heartsick about the loss of his last descendant.
In retrospect, I am very glad that I did not attack you, as you thought I would and should. Things can be replaced; you cannot, and such an assault, given what Riddle (I will no longer use any other name for him!) can and did do, could have been far more dangerous to both of us than mere bruises and broken bones. It chills me to even imagine what I might have done to you—and the guilt would have been many times more than what I still feel for Sirius.
I have been fortunate that the Order's warning to my relatives has caused them to leave me alone for the most part. I also have my things with me in my room, so I can at least review my previous years' books. I still have to do chores, but I need the exercise anyway. I cannot afford to get any weaker or softer: I have a task ahead of me, and I must prepare.
And yes, I am still deeply angry and unhappy about being refused information to prepare me for the main task at hand. We have lost at least a year I could have been preparing. I know you have been trying to protect me, and my friends; this can't go on. I will try to forgive you for all that, if you will TRY to keep me informed at least somewhat and get me the training I need. We can't afford to waste more time. Molly Weasley means well, and she has her own family to worry about—but face it: we aren't children any more, despite our ages. We've all been forced into adult situations we should never have to have faced; our childhood is over. You cannot protect us all from the war, any more than I can personally protect all my friends from Tom and his cronies, as much as I want to; we MUST learn what we need to protect each other and ourselves.
To this end, if I cannot have the underage restrictions lifted, I need to get books for next year (depending on what I am taking), so that I may at least study ahead. As I said, I have been reading through my older books, but I need a LOT more. I need books on advanced DADA and Occlumency; I can't afford to be a security risk any more. When I leave here, I need to go where I can get combat tutoring by Mad-Eye or Tonks; we six were very lucky to have all come out of the Department of Mysteries alive and no worse off than we did, considering who and how many we were fighting. And since my friends will not abandon me (no matter how little I deserve them), they need training too. I also hope to restart the DA next year, even if we get a half-decent teacher for Defense. (Are you sure you can't get Remus Lupin back? He was the best we ever had. Even Crouch Jr./fake Moody was better than the other three! The real Moody would be an excellent guest coach for the DA, if you can't get him full-time.)
Regarding Quidditch: I will understand if you cannot get my lifetime ban lifted (although I suggest you send Professor McGonagall to plead my case!). But I DO need to get my Firebolt back; it's my personal property, not a school broom, and one of the only gifts I ever had from Sirius. Umbridge confiscated it, and last I heard it was in the dungeon guarded by security trolls. I'll play for the team IF I can spare the time; I need to get back into flying practice, even if I don't play, because I think I may need it in the future; and frankly, flying is the only relaxation I have. If Umbridge has destroyed it, I will ask you to bring up civil charges against her for the cost of a replacement, although nothing can replace its sentimental value. You and Hogwarts should not be liable for anything that vile creature did!
Regarding Occlumency: I have written to Professor Snape, apologizing for the action of mine that caused him to throw me out of the training. I have also offered to settle some personal matters between us. It is my hope that this will allow him to consider restarting the lessons. However, there is one concern I have. As I recall, you were worried that connecting the two of us with Legilimency (you and me) might give Riddle access to you and your actions. I can understand that; sometimes, when I was with you, I could feel him in the back of my mind waiting like a coiled snake. But, your loyalties are known. This could be much worse for Professor Snape, considering what he is and does: an error here may cost him his life, under conditions I shudder to imagine; no matter how much I may personally dislike him, I will not willingly put him at so much risk if there is any other way to do this. (Does this have anything to do with the fact that my scar hurt after every session with him?) Also, at least three, and maybe more, of those who went with me that night know what he is, and they should also be taught. I do not like him, and the feeling is more than mutual, but I am learning to respect him for what he does for the Order, and I will not have his life on my conscience if I can avoid it; I can't give it back to him if it's lost. No matter what I may think of him as a person, he is still a mortal human being, doing a hard and dangerous job, and I refuse to treat him as any less. (And regardless of Ron's and Mad-Eye's opinions, I think he's still loyal to you, at least right now; he's had more than enough opportunities to kill or abduct both of us, and we're both still here.)
Regarding the Order: I know that you still refuse (and Mrs. Weasley refuses) entry into the Order for any underage Wizard or Witch. However, some of us are in too deeply NOT to be involved. I suggest for us a compromise: a junior Order, subject to the same bindings and promises, but not obligating us to go on active-duty missions until we are ready and old enough. It's far too late for us to be kept from some of the secrets. The Order can use Hermione's superb research skills and Ron's tactical genius. Neville is far more than he thinks he is; getting his own wand should help (his father's wand was what he has been using all this time, and it was broken in the Department of Mysteries). His plant expertise is genius-level. Luna has a point of view no one else has, and picks up on things the rest of us miss; she is also a good researcher. And, of all of us, the only one of us six to face or be possessed by Riddle in any form, besides me, is Ginny. We should be able to make use of that somehow. Do NOT make the mistake of underestimating her! (This should be apart from the DA, which would be a semi-open organization.) All of us could use more training in combat and dueling, so that next time we are in a battle (and there will be—not any sooner than we can avoid, but there will be) we can make a better account of ourselves.
Also regarding the Order: I have a request, if it can be carried off: capture Peter Pettigrew alive. This is not just to get Sirius' name cleared (although that might help ensure the safety of HQ; I don't know who inherits the house or his things, although I hope it's Tonks or Remus). He is privy to a great deal of Riddle's knowledge and would be a valuable source of information. He also, as you recall, owes me a Wizard's Life Debt, and I intend to collect on it for all the pain he has caused. I also have an idea that requires the removal of the silver hand Riddle gave him; I think I want to discuss that with you in person, though. Professor Snape should be able to tell you if this is a workable idea. After the Order is done with him, the Ministry can have him. I am not interested in personally taking vengeance, only justice; and I definitely don't want Remus tempted into an action that will get him executed. (And as with Riddle, I will no longer grant Pettigrew his Marauder nickname: as far as I'm concerned, he lost that right the day he took the Mark.)
In closing, I wish to apologize again for my actions, and I hope that you will understand my need to become ready for what I must do as soon as possible—whatever the cost. The longer it takes, the more lives will be lost; it hurts enough every time someone else dies because I didn't kill Riddle dead enough the first time, and had a part (albeit unwilling) in his resurrection. Afterwards--if there is one for me--will be soon enough to organize the rest of my life.
Sincerely yours,
Harry Potter
Dumbledore sat back with a sigh. Again, Harry had not only met and far exceeded his expectations, but some of his concerns were eerily parallel with Albus' own: the sooner the war was ended, the better. And he had to admit that Harry had some good ideas and points to be discussed. He sat back in his chair and absently picked up another lemon drop; then, with a sense of purpose and some ideas about what he wanted to do, he reached for quill and parchment and began making lists of his own.