A/N: It sucks. I'm not gonna lie, cause I don't even like it myself. But, whatever. I needed a change since no one apparently liked my last chapter of 99 Problems and I have been on a Shemma kick. :P So, yeah. Here it is. I don't own Degrassi, but I wish I did, and this is a spoiler for all those who haven't seen Times Stand Still or Back in Black.
People change. It's a known fact.
Manny Santos, my former best friend, changed last year, from the little innocent girl I've always thought she was to the boyfriend stealer and a "school slut" as people called her, including myself, although she's only been with Craig (to my knowledge). JT Yorke, a guy who I've known since we were in diapers, changed from the dorky class clown into a pretty cute and .. slightly more mature guy. Hell, even Liberty Van Zandt changed. So what was the big deal with me, Emma Nelson, finally deciding that I don't want to be known as the prude, environment loving princess?
It all started when I found out Liberty liked Chris. Chris Sharpe, my "rebound guy" as everyone loved to call him. Even myself. I don't know why, but the thought of Liberty going out with Chris after I did made me feel sick to my stomach. Normally I wouldn't care what it would do to my reputation. Hell, he had already damaged that last year. But when I told Manny that I'd be embarrassed if Liberty would go out with Chris, and me trying to get him back was just so she couldn't have him, I felt guilty. Especially when Manny had said, "That was one of the meanest things I've ever heard you say. And coming from you, that says a lot."
And when I tried to brush it off like nothing with Liberty, she told me that I could go straight to hell. I didn't even know hell was in Liberty's vocabulary.
I guess I found myself changing when I started hanging out with Paige Michalchuk. Yeah, Paige. The Spirit Squad blonde bubbly .. bitch, although that's all I knew of her before we started hanging out, mind you. And the only reason we became friends? She wanted help getting Rick Murray, the guy who beat up Terri McGreggor last year and put her in the hospital, and she left Degrassi to go to a private school. Well, having my voice heard was something I was good at, so I was more than happy to help. And by helping, I started hanging out with Paige, Marco del Rossi, Hazel Aden, Jimmy Brooks, and Spinner Mason. Even Jay Hogart and Alex Whatever-her-last-name-is didn't seem to be giving me a hard time, surprisingly, considering they are still friends with .. Sean.
Sean Cameron will always and forever be the first guy I've ever fallen in love with. Yes, even after he spit on me, and all that horrible stuff that happened last year, I still think about him. How things would be different if he would have just sucked it up and let me talk to him, instead of wanting that God damned "bad boy" rep that he now has. He would have never stolen Archie's computer, he would have never gone out with Ellie Nash, I would have never gone out with Chris, and my heart would have never been broken yet again.
When he would come over during the summer to my Dad's car, I couldn't look him in the eye. If he came inside I would lock myself in the room and not come out, or if I went outside I would walk past him without a word. It was hard to say anything to him. It was hard to even look at him without wanting to scream at him for ruining what a good thing we had. Even though, it's my fault, too.
One day out of the entire summer, we actually said a word to each other. I think it was the day before Mom, Dad, baby Jack and I were going to go on that horrible road trip. Chris and I had fought earlier in the day, and I was coming home from the Dot, and he was still there, working on Archie's car. He had on the same thing -- baggy jeans, and a wife beater, but the usual trademark blue knit beanie was missing. I forgot how cute his blonde, messy hair always looked, and to my surprise, I was standing in the drive way, watching him.
"Staring problem much, Emma?" He had asked, and I snapped out of my daze and blushed, as he stopped what he was doing to look up at me.
"Shut up." I muttered, and started to walk inside. Why couldn't I talk to him? I knew I wanted too, but God, it was just too hard to do, realizing that we would never be together again.
"Em, wait, c'mon." He said, following me up the porch stairs, and I paused, raising my eyebrows to look at him.
"What, Sean?"
"Can't we just .. I don't know, forget what happened last year?"
"Forget?" I spat, "Sean. If you don't remember, you broke my fucking heart."
"Emma .." He blinked, obviously surprised that I had used the "f word," since I was never known to curse when we were dating.
"When I tried to make up with you, you ignored me. You spat on me. You made me feel like shit! How do you possibly think I can "forget what happened last year" as easily as you can?"
"What makes you think I could forget that easily!?"
"BECAUSE!" I was screaming now, but I didn't care, "You started dating Amy, what, a week or two after we broke up? And then you started dating Ellie. Obviously you forgot about me pretty damn easily."
"What about you, huh? What about you and that Chris guy, Emma? You started flirting with him and shit after we broke up, too. Did you ever imagine how that made me feel?!"
"What?" I raised my eyebrows, "Are you saying you were jealous, Sean?"
He didn't say anything. All he did was stare at me. And as much as I just wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him he shouldn't have been jealous, and that he would always be THE guy for me, I couldn't. So instead? I walked back inside and started to pack for the road trip from hell.
I hadn't said a word to him since. Not until that horrible day where everything at school seemed to change forever.
If it wasn't for Sean, I would either be dead right now, or in the hospital. Rick would have shot me, not himself, and maybe not even Jimmy. But me. And that whole concept scared me. Dying at age 15? I couldn't even imagine that. There was so much I still need to do in life. Rick had so much to do in life. And I felt horrible, because maybe if Jimmy, Toby and I had tried harder to stop people from messing with him, he wouldn't have done this.
I don't even know how it happened, really, but the next couple of days later I find myself in Wasaga Beach. With Jay, Ellie, and Sean. I don't even know how it happened, really, because one minute, I was outside of school, talking to him, the next he's yelling at me to get in the car, and before I could even process what was going on, Jay's civic pulled out of the parking lot of Degrassi and we were off to Wasaga Beach. It was clear to all three of us that he just wanted to get away from the guilt, from the reports, from everyone. And he wanted to go home.
It's just us now. Ellie went to find a bathroom, and Jay went back to his car because he needed a cigarette. I offered to go with Ellie, like Sean had offered to go with Jay, but no dice. Ellie said that she would be fine, and Jay just had said he wanted to be alone for a while. I think he and Alex aren't together anymore, maybe that's why he's so moody. But then again, everyone has been moody ever since the shooting; myself included.
We're standing next to each other, his hands are shoved in his hoodie's pockets, and he's rocking back and forth on the heel of his shoe. Probably because it's so cold. Stupid Canada. I'm freezing my ass off, my arms folded across my chest in some lame attempt to keep myself warm, and I glance over to him. He's looking at me. I raised my eyebrows, and open my mouth to say something, but there are no words.
There were no words to express to Sean how grateful I was to him.
Sure, earlier in the day I hugged him, crying my eyes out, telling him he saved my life, but I knew better. Sean was never one to like when people praised him on something, even when it was something great. Especially something like this, because I knew, and he knew, and no one else did. He didn't want to be treated like a hero.
"Thanks for coming out here, Em." He says. His voice isn't emotionless, cold or harsh like it has been like it always seemed to be after we spilt. It was soft. Quiet. With a hint of sadness and a smudge of guilt. Sean Cameron, guilty and hurt. Now there's something I hadn't been use too in a long time.
I just nodded my head, and gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, along with a small smile. He knew it was fake, I could tell. But he knew I wasn't in the mood for smiling. Not today.
We're silent again. The only sounds we can hear are the ocean, birds, some cars driving by, and each other's breathing. I looked out to the water, but couldn't help notice his eyes were still on me. I bit down on my lip. Speaking my mind was never a hard thing for me to do, but talking to Sean.. I never knew what were and weren't the right things to say.
"I really should be thanking you, actually." I found myself saying after a few moments, and he turned his body to stare at me. I looked over my shoulder to him, "You saved my life, Sean. If it wasn't for you I'd be--"
"In the hospital like Jimmy?"
I nodded. He took his hood off his head to run a hand through his sandy blonde hair, and looked to his shoes, then to the side, then back at me. It was so awkard, being with him like this. I missed him so much, and I just wanted him to know it, but I can't because he's not the same guy anymore. He's not the guy I fell in love with, with the denim jacket who seemed like he just wanted to start over. He wasn't my Sean. He was Ellie's.
"We're cool, right?" He asked. I stared into his eyes, and couldn't help but notice there was a tinge of hope in them. Maybe, deep down, he was still the same.
"Yeah. We're cool." I smiled at him. Not one of those fake, small and unrealistic smiles I'd been giving everyone else to reassure I was okay. Because I wasn't, and Sean was the only one who seemed to notice. He smiled back at me, and for a moment, I thought he was going to say something else, until I heard footsteps behind us.
"Uh, I hate to interrupt the Kodak moment, but. Cameron, let me use your lighter, will you? Alex still has mine. I thought I had a spare one but --"
"Stop rambling, man. Here." He dug through his pockets and tossed Jay a black lighter. Jay gave him a smug smirked, grinned at me, and made his way back over to the car. I rolled my eyes, and Sean couldn't help but snicker.
"I didn't know you smoked," I said, slowly.
He shrugged his shoulders and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Things have changed, Emma."
"Yeah," I nodded my head again, looking at him, "I know."
He's not coming back to Degrassi. None of us can really change his mind, but I want to grab him and tell him he can't stay with his horrible parents. Because Ellie needs him. Jay, his best friend, needs him. I need him. I need him to be the Sean Cameron that could make or break my day by just giving me that simple, yet gorgeous smile of his. I needed him to hold me in his arms and tell me no matter how shitty it got, that everything was going to be fine -- that things would blow over at school, and that Manny and I would someday, maybe be friends again, and that I wouldn't have to worry about anyone ever pointing a gun at me again. Because he would protect me.
Not many things can break me. Everyone who knows me knows that I'm a very strong person. But I'll admit that Sean Cameron is probably my only weakness. He's my kryptonite. And I wish I could make him stay, admit to him and the rest of the world that yes, I, Emma Nelson, will probably and forever will be in love with Sean Cameron and hope to God that he feels the same way. That he can slip into some bizzare time warp that would take him back too how he was at the beginning of last year, before he started hanging out with Jay, before we broke up, before Chris, before Amy and Ellie.
But things changed. And unfortunately for me, I can't make it different if I wanted too.