Chapter 1 - Visitors
The Sun was sitting high in the mid afternoon sky and it was warm outside. I only knew this because my room was warmer than it had been when I went to sleep in the early morning hours and streams of light were shining around the heavy red velvet drape that covered my window. The one that I had gotten before everything had turned to shit and I hadn't had the heart to replace.
I stretched a bit and cast my eyes to the empty place beside me. I did it every morning as if I was half expecting some miracle had happen in the night and he would be there beside me. Even after three months he was still the first thing I thought about when I woke and the last thing I thought about when I finally drifted off to sleep.
Everyone kept telling me that this thing I was going through would get easier with time. They kept saying that the pain that stayed with me every second would ease eventually. I was beginning to not believe them.
I reached my hand out and softly touched his vacant pillow before squeezing my eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. Most days I lost this particular battle, today looked like I would win. At least this time. All bets were off for the rest of the day when I would have to repeat the same struggle a hundred times. I hadn't made through an entire day without crying at some point yet.
Maybe today would be the day.
I rolled slowly to a sitting position and stretched again, trying to work the soreness out of muscles that had taken a beating the night before. Apparently even with the Hell Mouth closed and the world safe from mass invasion there was still plenty of work for an entirely too old and too used up slayer. Only now I was training younger slayers instead of actually fighting the fight myself.
Last night had been a tough one. One of the potentials had gotten a piece of me. The fighting seemed to be taking more out of me than it had before. The injuries took a little longer to get over, the bruises, longer to fade.
Willow had a theory that by sharing my power with the S.I.T. I had lost a little of what used to make me so good. As I reached to massage my shoulder I was starting to think she was on to something. Last night had been tough but by my standards in the past it was routine. No where near enough that I should feel like I got my ass kicked by an eight hundred pound demon, but I did.
Maybe I was just getting older. Maybe I should retire and let the younger kiddies have all the fun. It wasn't the first time the thought had occurred to me. I wasn't supposed to make it much past twenty five or so. No other slayer had, but here I was staring down the barrel of twenty nine and I was still here, still fighting the fight. Fifteen years of slaying just couldn't be good for your health.
Maybe it was because I had lost my edge. Everything had changed the day we went after the First, everything including me. I left a piece of myself in that cavern. And I knew without a doubt exactly where I had left it. Coming out of that hole alone had done more to me than anything else that had every happened in my life and that included, sending my first love to hell, killing myself in exchange for Dawn's life and being pulled out of Heaven. Nothing had changed me as much as leaving him there had. Nothing.
Although I know that by the time I cralwed out of the Earth, there hadn't been anything left of him anymore. He was gone by the time I got back above ground. I blamed myself at first for not doing more to save him. I punished myself for not getting him out of there. Faith had been the one to tell me how ridiculous that was. She was the one that made me remember that he was on fire by the time I let go of his hand. There was absolutely nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything. He was gone before I had a chance to try and save him. The same way I had been gone before he had a chance to try and save me from the portal I jumped through. But now I understood how he felt. I knew what he went through that summer and I could still hear the hitch in his voice that I had never heard before when he said,
" One hundred and forty seven days yesterday, hundred and forty eight today, except today doesn't count, does it ? "
I had never seen the look on his face that I saw that day before. It was that day when he saw me coming down the stairs that I realized he really did love me. I was very privileged over the next few months to get to see that look of complete adoration many times. It was there the first time we really touched, the first time we kissed, the first time we had sex.
I took a deep breath and wondered fleetingly what had gotten my mind on that train of thought. That was no way for me to win the battle today.
Shaking my head, as if to physically clear the thoughts from my mind, I got out of my king size bed and made my way to my private bathroom. Sometimes it paid to be the original slayer. It came with some perks.
I made my way through my usual morning rituals quickly. Then, teeth nicely brushed and freshly clean from the shower I slipped into a pair of jeans and a red shirt with a scooped neckline and started down to the kitchen.
Walking down the three flights of stairs it took me to get to the ground floor, I realized I really missed my little house on Revello Drive. The massive estate that had become the slayers base of operations was nice, really nice, but it still wasn't home.
I made a quick stop on my way to food at my office and snagged the handful of messages off my desk, not bothering to look at them until I had nourishment in front of me. I had managed to make it all the way to the kitchen without encountering any of the house's other occupants so far. I heaved a sigh of relief then felt bad for it. Everyone meant well, I knew that, but if I had to hear one more person ask me how I was, I was going to hurl over my stylish yet affordable shoes.
They had all gotten to the point where they were talking to me like I was some small child or mental patient and they were afraid if they said the wrong thing I would completely lose my mind. There were days that I felt like they were right.
I went quickly through what had now been termed, the staff dinning room, meaning that only one large table stood in the center of the room with twelve high back, solid oak chairs sitting around it. A chandler hung over the center of the table and a matching massive oak china cabinet and buffet stood at the ends against the walls. The regular dinning room held five tables that sat twenty a piece at each one and looked a lot less formal. We had eighty five slayers in training now, and eleven 'staff'.
Giles had somehow gotten the council to pay for everything and he was now in negotiations with the initiative to exchange technology and funding. Hell, we even got a little kick from Wolfman and Hart. The slaying business was booming and looking around the headquarters, it showed.
I pushed open the solid door into the kitchen and smiled when I saw Andrew standing in front of the stove, leaning over several steaming pots and pans and stirring one of them with a huge wooden spoon.
Andrew had become our resident chef. Since we moved our operation to Mexico, Andrew was now an invaluable member of our little team. He also acted as my secretary although I kept insisting to him that I didn't need one. He even taught a class on magical defense with Willow. But more than in a professional capacity, he had helped me through some of the rougher moments of the past few months. He was always willing to listen and I loved talking about Spike with him. He seemed to be one of the only members of the household that had genuinely liked him. I felt comfortable talking to him where as when I talked to the others I could sense their underlying disapproval. I don't know if it was my imagination or not, but I still felt it and I was learning to just go with whatever I was feeling and not second guess myself.
He turned when he heard the door opened and offered me a huge smile in greeting.
" How are you this afternoon ? " he asked.
" I'm okay. " I smiled back at him, looking at his apron that proclaimed him to be a Master Chef.
" I put all your messages on your desk. There was one that looked pretty important and Willow and Giles wanted to talk to you about something that sounded dire. " he told me, still smiling from ear to ear.
I waved the papers in my hand at him, showing him I had gotten the messages and thanked him.
" Are you hungry ? I was just making you something to eat. I was going to bring it up to you. "
" I'm starving. Thank you again. Is there coffee ? " I asked, hopefully.
" Of course. " he said, as if it was the most idiotic question he had been asked all day.
I made myself busy making a cup and sat down at the bar that separated the room in two.
" Do you have any idea what Willow and Giles wanted ? " I wondered.
" No, they didn't tell me. Did you sleep at all ? " His voice sounded, as always, genuinely concerned.
" I slept some. " I answered, truthfully.
He turned back to me with his hands on his hips and tried his best stern look which on him looked ridiculous and I had to stifle a laugh.
" You need to sleep, Buffy. You can't keep going like this. You don't eat much. You don't sleep much. Do you really think Spike would have wanted you to do this to yourself. " he lectured.
I dropped my eyes to the floor at the mention of Spike's name and realized that he was probably right. Spike would be jumping down my throat at the way I was treating myself, but I really couldn't help it. I was trying, I really was.
" I know you're right. " I admitted. " I'll do my best to do better. "
He dished up a plate of eggs and bacon and toast and sat it down in front of me.
" Start with this. " he told me, still trying to be severe.
I started eating or attempting to at least. When I sat down, I was famished, but now trying to swallow the wonderful food in front of me was like a chore. That had been the way it was going for months. I was hungry until I had food in front of me, then it was a struggle to make myself eat it. But if I didn't force the food down, fifteen minutes from now, I would be going through the same routine again.
That was exactly what my life had become, routine. Everything I did was automatic pilot. I didn't feel any of it. It felt vaguely reminiscent of the way I had felt when I came back from Heaven, except there was no Spike to help me get through it this time.
It made me wonder sometimes what the Powers That Be had against me just being normal.
I turned my head as the door swung opened and cringed when that damn Bot came through the opening. Willow had managed to put the thing back together again and to replace the parts that couldn't be fixed. I hated looking at it. It reminded me of an unhealthy obsession that had turned into something horrible for both of us.
How in the Hell had love been born from that ? How was it possible for us to start out like we did, go through all we had and end up loving each other more than either of us felt we were capable of loving ? I didn't have the answers. I just knew how I felt. I wish he had believed me when I told him I loved him. It was one of the regrets that I live with everyday. I should have told him sooner, made him understand that what I felt for him was real, made him see what he meant to me.
Neither of us in the entire two years we were really together had ever said I love you and had it answered with I love you, too. That made my chest tighten to just think about. That night I left the house and he had found me. I should have told him then when he was telling me how much he cared about me, how much he loved me, but as usual I was so wrapped up in myself and what I was going through, it didn't occur to me.
" When I say I love you it isn't because I want you or can't have you, it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the worst and best of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are - you're a hell of a woman, you're the one, Buffy. " I still remembered the words exactly like he had said them yesterday. They repeated themselves over and over in my head. Why couldn't I have told him I loved him too. I felt it. Looking back, all I wanted to do was feel his arms around me, feel his strength against me. I think he really needed to hear me say it, too. But I couldn't do it. I don't think I had ever been that far down in my life. Once again, I didn't know where to turn and once again, Spike had been there to catch me. He was always there when I needed him.
But I was always selfish when it came to Spike, treating him like he was placed on the Earth merely to be what I needed him to be. I never took his feelings into account. I never paid attention to his needs. If I had it to do over....
" You are feeling well this afternoon ? " the Bot asked me in that damned annoying happy voice of hers.
" I'm fine. " I managed around a bite of eggs.
" You are consuming nourishment. That is fortunate. You must keep yourself in satisfactory working order. " she smiled and bounced out through the door on the far side of the room which was the utility closet. Her sole purpose in the house was cleaning now. I just didn't have it in me to let her do more than that. Being around her hurt.
She came back out, pushing a cart laden with cleaning supplies.
" I will go about my duties now. If you have need of me I will be starting on the third floor and working my way down. Then I will start on the dorm. Is that sufficient ? "
" It's fine. " I told her with a forced smile.
It seemed to please her because she bounced a little and left the room with her usual smile.
Zander came through the door as she was leaving and gave her a little wave.
" What's up ? " he asked, coming up beside me and putting his hand on my back.
" I really hate having her around. " I said, to explain my grumpy expression.
He sighed and smiled at me. " At least you don't have to clean the toilets as long as she's here. That has to make up for a little discomfort. "
I shrugged and gave him a weak smile. " I suppose it does. But we could always get the trainees to do the cleaning. We could lie and tell them it's part of their training. Learning to take order or discipline or something teachy sounding. "
" That wouldn't be very ethical, now would it ? " he answered, going to the coffee machine and pouring a cup.
" I guess not. " I admitted. " Why do I always have to take the high ground ? "
" Because you are the savior of the World from vampires and other things that go boo in the night. " he explained, like I was a child whining about doing homework. " That just seems to come with it's own set of rules about virtue and good things. "
I laughed. It wasn't something I did very often anymore.
He leaned against the counter with his cup of coffee and smiled at me.
" You know what ? " he began, giving me a look I didn't recognize. " I believe that I am going to make it my mission in life to see to it you make that sound at least once a day. "
I stopped laughing and stared at him. We had grown closer since the fight with the First. I was pretty sure it was us both losing someone we loved in the battle. I was glad for it. We had really grown apart in the year or so before everything went down. I knew he had a very big problem with Spike especially after he had sex with Anya. The whole near rape hadn't helped their relationship. But when Spike saved him from Caleb, things changed between them. Some of the hostility melted there. I mean they weren't best friends or anything close to it, but a mutual truce seemed to have been called. I think Zander even eventually excepted how I felt about him in the end.
" I appreciate that. " I told him sincerely. " That's really nice. "
He set his cup down and came over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders.
" We all care about you a lot, Buffy. We want to help you get through this. I know how much pain you've been in lately. " A flicker of sorrow touched his face. " Believe me, I know. "
I smiled and touched his arm. " Thank you. "
He pulled back and shook himself. " Okay, enough of the Hallmark moment. What are the plans for today ? "
I chuckled a little and looked down at the forgotten pile of messages by my plate.
" I'm not sure yet. I have a class in an hour. So that is one of the plans. And I need to return these messages. "
He looked at the papers in my hand. " Angel called ? " he asked. " I wonder what he wants. "
I hadn't even read the papers yet. So I had no idea and told him as much.
" Hope it isn't important. " Zander commented quietly. But knowing Angel like we both did, we understood that it probably was.
" I guess I need to call him and find out. " I said, standing and taking my plate to the sink.
Andrew glanced to the plate and his hands went to his hips again.
" Buffy, you barely touched your food. I thought you said you would try to do better. " he said, unyieldingly.
I shrugged my shoulders at him and waved the papers. " I tried, I really did, but duty calls. "
" Duty could have waited for you to finish your breakfast. " he chided as I went out the door.
I went quickly through the dining room, looking down at the paper in my hand. Angel calls were rarely about anything good. Usually it meant there was some impending disaster on the horizon and he was giving me the heads up.
I went through my office and closed the door behind me, flipping on the light as I walked past it and around my huge cherry wood desk to sit in the comfortable red office chair behind it.
I grabbed the phone and quickly punched in the numbers.
I didn't have to wait very long before someone on the other end answered.
" Hello, " Angel said in his polite phone voice.
" It's me. " I told him. " Your message said it was urgent. "
I heard him sigh.
" Yeah, it is. I'm on the next flight out to you. " he said in a rather rapid tone.
" Wow. " I answered. " Is it that serious ? Are we all going to die ? "
He chuckled. " No, it isn't serious like that. " he assured me.
" So there is no apocalypse or impending doom ? " I asked, surprised.
" No, this crisis is one with more of a personal nature. " He answered with his usual crypticness.
" Personal ? What do you mean ? " I asked him, knowing I wasn't going to get an answer if he didn't feel like supplying one.
" You sound tired. " He swiftly changed the subject, but I let it slide. I didn't feel like fighting him.
" I haven't been sleeping much. " I admitted.
" I bet you haven't been eating either. " he sighed audibly. " Rupert and Willow both called me earlier this week and said they were worried about you. "
I chuckled. " So you are rushing out here to rescue me from my self destruction ? " I asked.
" No, I would have used the phone for that. I think I have the solution for your problem, though. " he said.
" Solution, what are you talking about ? " I asked.
" You'll see when I get there. " he answered. " But I have to go or I'll miss the plane. It will probably be midnight or so before I get to you. "
" What solution ? You always have to be so secretive. " I chided.
" It's my way. " he laughed.
" I know. " I laughed with him.
" I'll see you tonight. " he said, clearly not going to tell me anything else.
"All right, I'll be here. " I answered.
We hung up and I sat wondering what in the hell that phone call had been about.
I was still smiling while I glanced at the other messages, none of which were important or anything that couldn't wait.
Then there was a knock on the door.
" Come in, " I called.
Willow stuck her head in around the door, then she walked all the way in.
" I need to talk to you. " she said, seriously. Her expression matching her tone.
" What's wrong ? " I asked, a lump in my stomach at her manner.
" I think we have a problem. " she answered, sitting on the edge of my desk.
" What ? " I wished she wouldn't make me ask too many more times. She was starting to really scare me.
" I sensed something in the house about a week ago. It's been here ever since. It's not something I'm familiar with. " she answered, her words careful, measured.
" What do you mean, something ? " I questioned her, staring into her eyes.
" I don't know. Like I said, it's nothing like I've ever felt before. "
" There is more that you aren't telling me. " I stated, knowing it was true without asking.
" It seems to be attached to you. " she said quietly.
" What the hell do you mean, attached to me ? " I questioned.
" Where ever you go, it goes. I only sense it when you are around. " she answered.
" What is it ? "
" I'm not sure. It feels human. I mean, in a weird way. But it's no one I ever met. It's unfamiliar. " she said, trying to explain what she was feeling.
" So it isn't something horrible ? " I asked, hopefully.
She considered that for a moment, as if she were reaching deep inside herself for the right answer. " I doesn't feel horrible. Just new. " she said, finally.
I let out a long steadying breath and sank back against the back of my chair.
" Okay. So it isn't horrible. So how do we find out what it is ? " I asked, then I thought about that. " You don't think it's him do you ? "
She started at that, but her look said she knew exactly which him I was referring to. " I don't know. But I don't think so. I mean, I know what he feels like. This is very similar but still it's different. But maybe it's different because I haven't been around him in so long or because he has passed over. I can't be sure. "
I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry at the thought of Spike being with me like this. My emotions were the same tangled up mess they had been for months.
" Buffy ? " she asked, looking at me with concern. " Are you all right ? "
" I'm fine. " I waved her worry away. " Really. I'm all kinds of good. "
" I'll keep trying to figure out what it is. "
" Thanks. I appreciate that. " I told her, giving her a smile.
We both visibly relaxed and she smiled.
" So what's happening today ? " she asked me, brightly.
" I have a class in a little bit and Angel is flying in tonight. "
She looked a little surprised. " Angel is coming here ? "
" Yeah, he said you called him. Giles, too. " I told her.
She cast her eyes to the floor sheepishly. " We were worried about you. I didn't know he would rush right over like some kind of hero. I just figured he'd call and talk to you. " she offered in way of an explanation.
" I understand. " I assured her. " He said he was going to call. " I paused, " He told me he might have a solution to my problem. "
" What kind of solution ? " she asked, wrinkling her forehead.
" I got the patented, Angel ' You'll see when I get there. ' . So I have no idea. " I said, slumping a bit more.
She regarded me for a long moment. " You don't look like you feel very well ? "
" I think you're right. I just need some time to adjust. I'll be fine. It's the learning how to live without him around that's killing me. " I said, pulling my hands through my hair and resting my elbows on my desk.
I looked up at her and I saw the understanding on her face. She had gone through all this a year ago when Tara died.
I propped my chin up. " How the Hell did you get through this ? "
She slid off the desk and crouched down beside me, putting her arm over my shoulder.
" I gave myself some time. I kept getting through the days and pretty soon, getting through them wasn't so hard anymore. You'll work it out. We're all here to help you. " she told me.
" I just can't stand the thought of never seeing him again. Never hearing his voice again, or seeing him tilt his head to the side or raise his eyebrows at me. " I answered, and it started. The battle was lost again today. Tears flowed down my cheeks like streams from a river. I felt them splatter against my collarbone.
She pulled me to her and let me cry on her shoulder while she whispered things like, it's going to be okay, to me. I didn't believe her anymore. I had finally decided that being without Spike would never be okay. That thought just made me cry harder.