Chapter four - Tired
We walked hand in hand up three flights of stair, pausing to grab his suitcase, in silence. I didn't really know what I was feeling at the moment. Everything was turning around in my head so quickly I couldn't make sense of any of it.
We reached the third floor and I turned and lead him to the room across the hall from mine and went inside.
I flipped on the light inside the door and stepped back so that he could come in and sit his suitcase down on the bench at the foot of the bed.
A white chenille comforter covered the queen size bed in the middle of the room. Two small tables nestled in beside the head of the bed held a clock and a lamp. A chair and a dresser were the only two other pieces of furniture besides the bench at the foot of the bed. One door lead to a closet. Other than that, the only door was the one I was standing in.
Angel looked back at me standing there and sat down on the foot of the bed.
" Come in and talk to me for a minute. " he told me.
I hesitated before I came and sat down beside him.
" What's up ? " I asked, settling myself by pulling my leg up on the bed beside me. My knee brushed against his leg and he turned so that his back was against the foot board.
" I just wanted you to know I understand. " he told me, reaching out and taking my hands.
I must have looked confused, because he looked away from a minute like he was gathering his thoughts.
" I talked to Spike before he left to find you. " he started. " He told me everything that happened between the two of you. "
I looked around, anywhere but in his eyes. I was embarrassed and ashamed over what had happened between us. I couldn't make myself look at him.
" Everything ? " I asked, so quietly I barely heard it myself.
He squeezed my hand, " Everything. " he confirmed.
I tried to find some way of explaining the things that had happened. Someway to conveniently excuse all the things that went on. But I came up with nothing.
" I treated him so awful. " I finally managed.
Angel pulled me into his arms and hugged me. " I doesn't matter anymore. Everything that happened between you is all in the past. " He tried to comfort me. But it did matter. Everything that I had done to him and everything he did to me, it still mattered.
" What we had wasn't healthy. It was killing both of us. " I said, tears streaming down my cheeks.
" I know. " He pulled back from me and looked into my eyes. " More importantly, he knows. He loves you, Buffy. He really loves you. I have never seen him like he was when he came to me. And I have never seen you like this either. "
I looked away from him and he grabbed my face and pulled my eyes back to meet his.
" I can see how much you love him. I can feel it. " he smiled, and his eyes became less severe. " I'm really happy for you and I want to do whatever I can to help you both. "
" What brought on this sudden change of heart ? " I asked, " The last time we talked about this you weren't all that thrilled with the prospect of us together. "
He sighed and leaned back, removing himself from my personal space, but staying only slightly out of it.
" I talked to him, " he answered. " Or rather, he talked and I listened. I wasn't going to tell him where you were at first. I thought maybe you thinking he was dead was for the best. I thought you could get him out of your life that way and get past whatever it was that was holding you to him. "
" And he changed your mind. " I finished for him.
" He made me see that keeping you apart would be a mistake. " Then he laughed. " The thing that got to me was that he didn't threaten me or try to make me tell him like the old Spike would have done. He reasoned with me. "
He looked at me and I could see he was still taken a little aback by that. " I can't believe how much he has changed. The man I talked to in my office a week ago, that wasn't Spike. It wasn't the Spike that I had spent almost a century with. That was William, the loving, caring intense man that I turned into a monster. "
He stared into my eyes. And his voice was heavy with emotion. " He found a way back from it. He found a way to get rid of his monster. "
I reached out and touched his cheek softly. " Just like you did. " I whispered.
" You know, of all the vamps I sired, and there were quite a few, Spike was the one I regretted. There was always a piece of William still there. I could see it in the way he took care of Drusicilla. I could see it when he got that chip put in his head. Even at his worst, it was there. I got to watch him go through the battle with the monster for longer than I cared to think about. I felt guilty for making him have to fight it. But never as guilty as I felt when I found out that monster had come after you. "
I was fighting tears again. " It wasn't your fault. You were fighting your own monster at the time. Besides if you hadn't turned him, he wouldn't have been around for me. Maybe it was fate. "
He smiled wistfully. " Maybe it was. " Then he looked at me intensely again. " I know that he tried to rape you. "
I sighed this time, putting my hands on the bed behind me I leaned back and propped myself up with them.
" That was the monster, not the man, and I might add the incident in question, made him lose his mind. " I said, definitively.
" I think it was more like what the monster turned the man into. " he corrected. " But I think losing his mind set him straight. Or at least straighter. I really believe loving you pulled him back from insanity. "
His eyes fell over my body and rested at my exposed stomach for a moment. I realized that my shirt had ridden up a bit when I leaned back and I really didn't like the concentrated look he was giving my bare navel.
I reached out to pull at my shirt, but he grabbed my hand to stop me.
" Buffy, " he whispered. I had no idea what was going on. I thought we had just covered the fact that I was in love with someone else, yet the look he was giving me was strange. Then he reached out and touched my bared stomach. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt his hand on my skin.
" What are you doing ? " I asked, trying to right myself and get out of the situation before it got even weirder.
He looked up at me with a profoundly startled look on his face. " How long have you really been feeling less than good ? " he asked me.
I looked down at his hand and tried to hide my discomfort with a joke. " Why ? Do you sense some demon in there ? Like Alien ? "
He laughed and moved his hand, but the startled look was still there.
" Angel, what aren't you telling me ? " I asked, grabbing his hand and holding on to it.
" I thought I felt something. " he mumbled, looking away from me.
He shifted and it really looked like he was going to try and change the subject on me.
" So, I'm guessing you haven't been seeing anyone lately. " he said. Yep, definitely changing the subject.
I gave him a look that told him I knew exactly what he was doing and I didn't like it at all. Besides the question was absolutely ridiculous.
" No, I haven't been seeing anyone. " I answered, with an edge to my voice.
I watched his brow crinkle and it seemed like something was making sense to him.
" Buffy, " he said, reaching out and taking my hands. " I understand how when we lose someone, sometimes it's nice to find comfort in someone else's arms. It doesn't mean we love them any less. It doesn't mean anything at all. It's just comforting. "
I backed away from him now. I was definitely UNcomfortable.
" Are you coming on to me ? " I asked, standing and trying to make my way quickly to the door.
He looked at me, flabbergasted. " What ? " he asked, standing, too. " No, of course not. I was just letting you know that it's okay that you've been sleeping with someone. I didn't mean me. " he explained in a rush. " I thought it might have been Zander. "
I just stared at him. My face was red and I was angrier than I had been in a while. " I have not been sleeping with anyone. " I said through gritted teeth. " How could you ask me something like that, knowing how I feel ? "
" I know you've had sex with someone and it really isn't my business who it was or why. I was only trying to tell you that it's okay. I wanted to make sure you weren't feeling guilty now that Spike's alive and all. " he told me stepping closer to me.
I was still angry but now it was because he didn't believe me.
" I'm telling you, there hasn't been anyone since the night before we fought the First and that was Spike. So I have no reason to feel guilty. "
" What happened that night ? " he asked, sitting back down.
I raised my arm to my head and started to massage my throbbing temple. " Why are you asking me all this ? "
" I can't believe you don't know already. I mean someone around here should have sensed something. " he answered.
" Sensed what ? " I was really getting irritated now. " What the hell are you talking about ? "
Then I remembered and stopped to look at him. " Is this about whatever Willow had sensed earlier ? "
" I don't know, what did Willow say she sensed ? "
" She said it was a presence, similar to Spike but different. I was beginning to think it was him. She said it was attached to me somehow. " I explained.
Angel shook his head and smiled. " I guess I could see how that would be what she got from it. I see it a little differently. But then she can't hear it. "
" For the last time, What in the Hell are you talking about ? " I almost shouted, really tying to hold my temper in check now.
He stepped to me and took my hands, leading me to the bed again. " I can't be sure. " he started, " But I think you're pregnant. "
For the second time that night there was a rushing sound in my ears. I put my head down and held it there in my lap, trying to wait for the sound to go away.
" I need some more water. " I said, around my tongue which had grown to an unbelievable size in my mouth.
Angel moved quicker than I thought possible and disappeared for a few minutes. When he came back he was carrying a glass.
I reached out for it with a shaking hand. Taking a drink, I looked up and saw Andrew and Giles standing beside him.
" Are you all right this time ? " Giles asked, concern evident on his face.
" I think so. " I muttered.
Andrew turned to Angel with his hands on his hips again. " What did you say to upset her ? " he glared.
I almost laughed again at the hilarious tone in his voice.
" I'm fine, Guys. It really wasn't Angel's fault this time. I just got woozy. "
Giles came to me and placed his hand on my shoulder.
" Buffy, I really don't like this. " he bent down and smiled at me tightly. " I'm worried about you. "
I smiled back. " I'm okay. Angel thinks he knows what's wrong with me. " I answered, appreciating the fatherly regard on his face.
" Really ? What is it ? " he asked, turning his face to Angel.
" Apparently, by some miracle or immaculate conception, Angel thinks I'm pregnant. " I answered.
Everyone turned to me and stared.
" What ? " Giles demanded. " How can this be ? "
Angel looked as confused as everyone else. " I have no idea. " he answered. " I just know what I felt. Or what I heard rather. "
" And just want did you hear ? " I asked.
Angel walked a little closer to me but I wasn't sure whether it was to get closer to me or further from Andrew who was still glower at him.
" I heard a heartbeat. " he said, softly.
" Are you sure it wasn't just an echo from Buffy ? " Giles asked.
Angel shook his head. " No, no I'm sure. She leaned back and I heard it. It was faint, but it was definitely different than Buffy's. "
Giles looked at me severely. " How is this possible ? "
Everyone was staring at me again. I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong. I felt like a was fifteen again and had missed curfew.
" I didn't do anything. " I told them, placing the glass down and crossing my arms over my chest. I knew it was totally defensive body language, but I couldn't help it.
" Buffy, " Giles said, coming to me again and putting his arm around my shoulder. " We all love you. No one is going to think any less of you for this. " he said, his voice full of compassion and sympathy.
I stood, angry again and began to pace. " Why isn't anyone listening to me ? I told you there was no one besides Spike. That is it and it was three months ago. "
I turned to them all and raised my voice. " I have not had sex since the night before we fought the First and that was with a vampire. " I practically yelled, then turned to see Willow and Dawn standing in the doorway.
Dawn looked down at the ground and Willow smiled weakly. " Faith said you almost passed out again and we wanted to make sure you were okay. " she offered in explanation for their appearance.
I sighed and turned back to the others.
" Look, if this is true then I truly don't know how. I am not lying or covering up any sort of guilt. I am telling you that Spike is the only man I have had sex with in the last two years. He's the only one since Riley. " I said, suddenly very tired.
Angel stepped up to me and took my hands. " I believe you. Maybe this is the other rewards Spike mentioned. "
" Rewards ? " Willow asked, suddenly very interested in the conversation.
" Apparently, Buffy is pregnant and even more stunning is that it appears to be Spike's child. " Giles filled them in.
Dawn made a sound in the hall before running to me and wrapping her arms tightly around my waist.
" Oh, my God, " she gushed. " This is so wonderful. "
Willow looked like someone had hit her with a very big board or something. She just stood there staring at me.
" That's what I felt. " she mumbled. " I felt the baby. "
" Yeah, " I smiled as I saw tears welling in her eyes. " I guess you did. "
" I sensed yours and Spike's baby. That is why it was so similar to Spike, because part of it was him. " she continued.
I watched her and as I did I tried to piece together how I felt about all this. I don't think any of it had really sunk in until I watched the people I loved most in the world standing around congratulating me.
I was going to have a baby. I was going to be someone's mother. I suddenly felt very, very tired.