Chapter Eight - Doubts and Voices

We were back outside sitting in Angel's car within ten minutes. Our exit had been quick, taking just enough time to gather our weapons again. I was staring out the front window wondering exactly what it was we had just learned and as an afterthought, feeling grateful no one had died.

" Well, that was enlightening. " Angel commented as he started the car and pulled away.

" It was ? " I asked, yanking my seat belt on.

" Well, we got a name and a sort of location. The Haskel Docks isn't a very big area. We should start searching around there tomorrow night. " Angel explained. " Although I wonder what this thing wants with the Amulet if it isn't a vampire. "

I thought about that, it hadn't occurred to me before but he did have a point. Why would a non vampire want an artifact that killed vampires ? Then another thought occurred to me.

" What if he really doesn't care anything about the Amulet ? " I asked.

Angel glanced at me as he rounded a corner. " Then why kidnap Spike ? "

I frowned and continued to stare. It was a very good question.

" Maybe Spike did something to him in the past. I mean he calls himself the Avenger. Maybe this is all about some sort of revenge. " I mused, more to myself than Angel.

" Spike does have a way of pissing people off. " Angel agreed.

" What did he say that got you to change your mind about him ? "

Angel blinked and turned towards me.

" He said he knew you would never love him. " he said, quietly. " But that just being near you was worth loving you and not being able to have you. "

I wiped at my burning eyes with the back of my hand. " He still doesn't believe that I love him. "

Angel nodded. " No, he thinks you just told him because he was going to die. But he said, hearing you say it made dying somehow okay. "

The tears were flowing pretty readily now. I had no hope of stopping them. Did I love him that much ? Did I love him as much as he obviously loved me ?

I stared down at his coat wrapped around me and rested my hand against my stomach. What if everything fell apart because I didn't love him as much ? What if we could never make it work because we would never be on equal footing ? What if knowing how much he loved and adored me tempted me into using him again ?

" Are you okay ? " Angel asked, touching my arm.

" I don't know anymore. " I answered.

" What's wrong ? What are you thinking ? " he prompted.

" I was just thinking about everything. What a mess everything had become. " I lied, well it wasn't really a lie. I was thinking about the past in a round about way.

" Everything will be fine. " he assured me.

" I'm not so sure. " I answered.

" I thought everything was good now. Spike is alive and you're having a baby. " he smiled. " Life is great. "

I managed to muster a smile for him and he took that, I guess, as my agreement. I was glad. I wasn't sure where this line of thinking was going and I didn't feel like sharing it yet.

We sat silently for the rest of the ride home and I went promptly to my room as soon as we got in. I needed time to think about all the thoughts that were whirling around in my head.

Was I being selfish again ? Did I love him enough to keep him with me ? Was I even capable of loving someone as much as he loved me ? I had given so much of myself away over the years that I wasn't sure if I had that much to give now. Spike loved me so much it scared me. I had to wonder if it was even healthy to feel like that about someone else. I couldn't deal with another repeat of what happened during the few months that we were together before he got his soul. And now we were bringing a baby into the whole thing, too. The kind of obsessive, damaging relationship we once shared could not be repeated. It had nearly killed us both. In fact, it made him lose his mind. It literally drove him insane.

Could I risk that again ? Could I risk hurting him so much again ? Or was it better if I walked away and let him get on with his life ? Was I opening an old wound for both of us that neither of us had managed to fully heal ?

Maybe I was. Maybe we would never be right together.

I knew I loved him. I knew that without a doubt. Life without him had been horrible. But would it heal eventually like everyone had been telling me it would ? Was loving Spike something I would get over with time ?

How would I ever know exactly how I felt about him ?

I fell asleep with all things running through my mind and no answers to any of them. I think I heard Willow come in sometime later, but my exhausted mind refused to wake up enough to even acknowledge her. My dreams were dark and unsettling. I tossed and turned through out the night. Questions about my feeling and the situation in general continued to flow through my mind even in sleep.

I woke up early the next afternoon, more tired than I was before I went to sleep.

After getting up and taking a shower I went to the kitchen and riffled through Angel's cabinets trying to find something to eat. I wasn't having much luck and was about to give up when Andrew appeared in the doorway with two bags of groceries in his arms.

" Angel didn't have much food here. " he told me setting the bags down on the white, tiled counter. " I guess he really doesn't need any though. "

I smiled and began helping him unload the sacks. " I guess not. "

" So what happened last night ? Did you find out anything that helps ? "

I sighed heavily. " We have a name and a possible location. "

He turned to me and smiled brightly. " That's wonderful. Are you going there tonight ? "

" It looks that way. We're going to start searching as soon as the sun goes down. "

He looked at me intensely, as if trying to read something from my face. " Then why aren't you happier about all this ? "

I slumped my shoulders and stopped unpacking. " I don't know. I'm not sure what I should do now. "

His faced looked like he had just swallowed something vile. " What do you mean, you're not sure what to do ? "

" I mean I don't know how I feel any more. " I told him. Talking to Andrew had always made me feel better before, maybe he could help.

" Buffy, that's ridiculous. You know how you feel about him. " he answered.

" I know how I feel, the problem is I also know how he feels. I just can't help but wonder if I love him as much as he loves me. " I explained.

" What difference does it make who loves who more ? " he asked, " You love each other. That's all that's important. This isn't a competition. "

I blinked back the tears that had once again began to form. " I just don't want it to turn out like it did last time. It was awful, Andrew. It was twisted and sick and perverse. I can't live through that again. And now we have the baby to think about, too. "

He came to me and put his hands on my shoulders, looking me in the eye. " Do you love him enough that you want to share your life with him ? "

I thought about that for exactly two seconds. " Yes. "

" Then everything will work out. It'll be fine. " he assured me. " That's all you have to remember. You want to SHARE your life with him. That means you have to SHARE his life also. "

I stared back into those naïve, blue eyes and saw something there that I hadn't seen before. Andrew had always seemed a bit flaky to me, but right now, in that moment there was a wisdom there.

I smiled and put my arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. " Thank you. " I whispered.

" Last time, you hated yourself for loving a monster. " he told me over my shoulder, smoothing my hair. " This time you don't have any reason to feel guilty for loving him. Just let yourself be happy. "

" Spike hasn't been a monster in a long time, if he ever really was one to begin with. " I answered.

He leaned back to look me in the face. " I've always known that. I'm glad you finally realized it, too. "

I put my head back on his shoulder and let him hold me for a few more minutes. It felt nice to be comforted like that. There had been so many times during our short time together, that I just wanted Spike to hold me like this. But I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't allow us to comfort each other. I had seen it in his face so many times, his need to put his arms around me and try to make the world go away. But I couldn't let myself be consoled then. I couldn't let him soothe away my troubles. Now I wished I had.

It wasn't long before my stomach was protested it's lack of nourishment so loud that we both heard it.

Andrew laughed and let his arms fall away. " I guess we better feed that baby, before it tries to escape and find it's own food. "

I laughed with him. " I guess so. "

Then I thought I heard the phone ring and I tilted my head, straining to see if I had. It wasn't the house phone, so it must have been Angel's cell. By the second time it happened I didn't hear it again. So I figured he got it and made myself content to watch Andrew as he went about making something for us to eat.

A few minutes later, Angel emerged from the bedroom with a slight grin on his face and the phone in his hand.

" Someone wants to talk to you. " he announced holding the phone out to me.

I stared at the phone in his hand and my pulse jumped, my stomach flopped and a lump formed in my throat all the same time.

" Is it - ? " My voice broke off and Angel nodded at me in encouragement.

My hand was shaking as I took it from him and held it up to my ear.

" Hello, " I breathed.

" Hello, Luv. " That voice that I had heard in my head over and over in the last months answered smoothly, in it's rich English accent.

" Oh, my God. " I whispered. I knew that I would be talking to him soon, but actually hearing him hadn't been anything like I had imagined. " You're really alive. "

" Buffy ? " he asked, " Are you okay ? I can barely hear you. "

I cleared my throat and tried again. " I can't believe you're really alive. "

" Yep, right as rain. " and I could see the smile on his face. " Well, not completely right. I was on my way to you when this wanker nabbed me. "

" Where are you ? " I asked.

" I'm in a cave like thing. I have no idea. One minute I was at Angel's getting ready to leave, the next I was here. " he answered, then he lowered his voice. " Thank you for coming. "

" Thank you ? " I asked incredulously. " Of course I came. I love you. "

There was silence for a moment. " Slayer, you don't have to do that anymore. " He said, finally.

" Spike, I'm telling you that I love you. I should have told you sooner. I should have let you know months ago. I'm sorry. "

" You have nothing to be sorry about. " he told me. " Look, I only have a second. This stupid nit is standing over me. Is Willow there ? "

He hadn't answered me. I thought that after all this time, we would finally get our, I love you, too. But it hadn't happened. " Yes, she's here, Andrew, too, but I don't understand why I needed to bring her. "

" Andrew ? " he asked.

" Yeah, he came along. Why did Willow need to be here ? "

" I can't tell you. I'm supposed to say that you all need to meet him in Las Venero, Nevada tomorrow night, eleven o'clock. A bar called the Watering Hole and bring the Amulet. "

" Andrew, too. "

" He said, yeah, definitely bring Andrew, too. "

" Nevada ? " I questioned. " I thought you were here in LA. "

" Apparently not. I have no idea where I am. But I have to go. "

Then I heard a bit of a scuffle and Spike shouted, " Buffy, it's War- " then the phone went dead.

I just stood there listening to the dead phone for several minutes. What had he been trying to tell me ?

" Well what happened ? " Angel asked.

" I'm not sure. " I answered. " He was trying to tell me something but he got cut off. He said it was war, whatever that means. "

" What else did he say ? " Angel asked, taking the phone back.

I gave him all the information I got and frowned. " I don't understand. This demon thing wants Willow, Andrew and I specifically. Maybe that's the key to figuring this thing out. "

Angel's brow furrowed as he looked at me. " Get Willow and everyone meet me in the living room. Let's piece together what we know and see what we don't. "

I nodded my agreement and left for the bedroom.