Chapter Twelve - Slayer Blood
" That isn't possible. " I mumbled, pushing Angel aside so I could get closer to Spike's lifeless body.
" Buffy, it is. There's nothing we can do. " Angel said, putting his hand on my shoulder.
" There has to be. " I answered, between gritted teeth. My hands were clenched in tight fist, clutching the leather of Spike's coat. That roaring was still in my ears and I was having problems getting my breath.
It just couldn't be over. Not like this. I wouldn't accept that I couldn't save him this time. I had had no choice in accepting that last time. This time had to be different.
Angel turned me towards him and looked into my eyes. " Buffy, listen to me. He needs to feed badly and I'm not even sure that would help at this point. He is too far gone. He can't feed if he's unconscious. "
" He can feed on me. " Andrew offered, stepping towards us.
Angel nodded to him and gave him a tight smile. " It's a nice gesture, but I really don't think it will do any good. "
A hot tear slid down my cheek. I almost lashed out at Angel for giving up on him too easily, but then I saw the hurt on his face as he looked past me at his childe, laying in front of him about to die. His eyes were mournful, like his heart was breaking. I had seen that look before, the night he left me.
Then I heard Spike's voice in my head the night I went to him to find out how he had killed the other slayers.
" Slayer blood is different from normal blood. It's powerful and full of life. It was like the best drug I had ever taken. " he had told me.
Without any more thought, I pushed the jacket back, pulled out the knife I had at my side and cut a slice down my arm. A red trail streaked after the blade like it was chasing it. I didn't feel anything at first but then the trail began to burn and I had to stifle a cry.
Angel watched me with wide eyes as I leaned over Spike and pressed my arm to his mouth. He was still staring when nothing happened. I pressed harder.
Then I leaned down to his ear. I knew I had seen his head move when I first came in. I knew he was in there somewhere. " Spike, it's Buffy. You have to feed. If you don't you'll die. " I whispered.
Still I got no response. So I tried again.
" Please, Spike, you have to hear me. I can't lose you again. "
Angel reached out to my arm and started to pull me away, trying to spare me anymore pain, I imagined.
I jerked away from him and pressed harder still to Spike's dry, chapped lips.
" You can't die on me, I love you. " I cried.
Then I gasped and I don't know whether it was in surprise or in pain, as I saw Spike's face shift into his vampire visage and felt his fangs sink into my arm in the same instant.
Angel jumped, startled by the change that he had convinced himself wasn't coming. Willow and Andrew both took a step back, as well.
I could still hear that roaring in my ears but over that I heard the pounding of my heart. The tears that were falling now were tears of elation instead of sorrow. I wanted to scream in triumph.
Then another sensation came over me and I tried to focus my mind on it. Spike had never fed from me before and the feelings it was causing were intense. I could sense him. I could feel his pain, it racked his body, his entire being seemed to throb with it and I wanted to cry at the severity. I don't think I had ever felt that much pain before. He was in agony, like his insides were drying up. I wondered briefly if that was what it felt like to dehydrate.
I could feel his panic at not being able to see. Both his eyes were so swollen he had no hope of opening them and he couldn't understand what was wrong. He thought he had been blinded.
I could feel his anxiety over not understanding what was happening to him. He didn't really know who the others were and he was fearful of them. Afraid they would kill him in his vulnerable state.
I was staring into the mind of a man on the edge of death. He was filled with guilt and regret, sorrow and trepidation. Both times I had died, I hadn't really seen it coming. I hadn't had time to contemplate it over much, but he had been like this for hours. His entire life had pasted through his mind. He knew he was going to die and deep down he was still fighting it with everything he had left in him, which wasn't much.
But above all that, I could sense his reason for fighting. I felt his love for me. It was overwhelming and all consuming, like a fire that was engulfing him. The ferocity of it scared me and I tried at first to push it away from me out of fear of its power. It seemed almost brutal, the force of it torturing him.
I closed my eyes to try to get away from it and when I did, I saw myself the way he saw me. My face looked beautiful, almost angelic, like I was salvation personified and I finally understood exactly what he saw in me. To him, I was his deliverance from evil, his savior, the embodiment of everything good and right.
The image in his mind of me was perfection and I swayed away from him as the force of that realization hit me.
Angel was there to catch me when I staggered backwards.
He turned to Spike. " Enough. " he told him in a forceful tone and I felt the fangs retract .
I was still backing away from him without realizing it. I didn't know how to deal with the way he felt about me. It was too strong, too much for me to live up to. I could never be the person he saw me as. I could never match the image in his mind.
Angel looked at me strangely but let go and watched as I moved away from him.
I continued to move until I ran into what I thought was a wall. Then hands were on me turning me around.
" Buffy, what is wrong with you ? " Andrew asked.
" I can't... " my voice trailed off.
" You can't what ? " he demanded, that stern look on his face again, but this time it wasn't even the slightest bit amusing.
" I can feel him and I can't be who he thinks I am. " I answered, my lips dry and sticking together.
" That will fade in a little while. " I heard Angel say.
Andrew spun me back towards Spike and put his hands on my shoulder. Everyone was staring at me like I had truly lost my mind.
" I don't care what you think you can't be right now. It doesn't matter what you think. " Andrew said, forcefully. " All that matters right now is that he needs you. He's alive because of you. " he gave me a push in Spike's direction. " Get over there and talk to him. Help him. Deal with your feelings after this is over. "
His words penetrated my fog clouded brain and I blinked away my befuddlement. He was right. Spike needed me right now.
I went to him and smoothed his hair, leaning down with my head against his chest. He struggled against me.
My hands were shaking and I realized that for the first time in years, I was scared of him.
" It's okay. " I soothed. " It's Buffy. "
He seemed to relax for a minute but then I saw the swollen flesh of his eyes try to move and he panicked again.
" You aren't blind. " I whispered. " You'll be able to see in a minute. Just give the blood time to work. "
He rested his head back against the rock in understanding. Then in agonizing slowness, he reached his hand up and tangled it in my hair. From the pain I had felt in him, could actually still feel, I knew what that had cost him and I took his other hand and squeezed it.
" Can he feel me, too ? " I asked Angel who was standing over my shoulder.
" Yes, " I heard in a wispy, breathless reply from Spike.
" That's what I was about to say. " Angel answered. Then he reached out and touched my shoulder. " I need to go over to the entrance to make sure nothing is coming. We'll give him a few minutes to see if he can get enough strength to walk but if not, I'm going to have to carry him out. We don't have much time. "
I nodded to him in understanding and he moved away from us.
I felt Spike squeeze my hand and I looked up at his face to see that his lips had begun to take on a much healthier pinkish color instead of the dull gray they had been. The corners of his mouth were trying to turn up in a smile.
He still wore his vampire face. I wasn't sure if he wasn't able to change back or just didn't realize he hadn't. For the first time in all the years I had known him I looked at him, really looked at him. And I was spellbound. The ridges of his nose, the ripples in his forehead, in a face that was supposed to inspire terror, he was beautiful.
I heard him groan and it occurred to me that he knew what I was thinking.
" You came for me. " he whispered in a still incredibly weak voice.
" Of course I came. " I answered.
" I was afraid you wouldn't get here in time. "
I smiled. " I made it just under the wire. "
He nodded and I saw his expression change. " I think I can see you. "
The swollen skin around his eyes had shrunk quite a bit in a really short amount of time and I could just make out a sliver of white in the midst of all the pink.
" Do you think you can sit up ? We don't have much time and we need to get you out of here. " I told him.
" Not sure. " he groaned and tried to move.
I winced as I felt the pain that was that result of his attempt.
" I don't think so. "
" Angel is here. He's going to have to carry you. " I said, raising away from him.
His hand tightened in my hair, drawing me back down. And I felt the fear in him. " Don't leave me. " he panted.
" I'm right here. " I assured him. " I 'm not going anywhere. "
His hand lessened its grip but still didn't let me go.
" Angel, " I called out, not sure of what to do.
Angel came back to us and I looked up at him.
" He won't let me go. " I told him.
Angel looked down and I saw something flicker in his eyes. Then he leaned in close and touched Spike's forehead.
" Spike, you have to let go so we can get out of here. You're still in danger and so is Buffy if we don't go now. " he told him in a forceful, yet surprisingly soft voice.
I felt the fingers that were wrapped in my hair flex, but they still didn't retreat.
" Spike, listen to Angel. Let go of my hair so we can leave. "
His entire sense was different now, had been since I had tried to pull away from him. He wasn't hearing me anymore. I wasn't getting through to him.
" What's wrong with him ? " I asked Angel, tilting my head enough to look at him.
" His beast has taken over. It's a defense mechanism. We all have it. " Angel tried to explain, " Like a survival instinct. "
" Okay, so why is his beast pulling my hair ? " I muttered, trying to fight down the panic that was rising in me by the second.
" I guess it sees you as the thing that saved it and it doesn't want to lose, what it understands as, its only change for survival. " Angel wagered.
" Well then what do we do ? " I asked.
" I could make him let go, but I don't know if he would try to attack me or not. " Angel offered.
" Can't you talk to him ? Surely it knows you. "
Angel looked at me doubtful and shrugged his shoulders. Then he bent down again so he was close to Spike.
" Spike, I know you can hear me. " he said, in that same forceful tone. " Let go now. I'm here and I won't let anything else hurt you. I'll get you out of here but you have to let go. "
Spike flinched at hearing the voice and his hand slowly relaxed in my hair. I jerked away the instant I could. Spike reached out for me but I quickly evaded his searching hand.
" Buffy, " he whispered and I almost went back. The fear in him was so strong it was overwhelming.
Angel gathered him against him and hefted him into his arms. " Buffy's still here. She isn't leaving. " he was telling Spike.
" Angelus. " Spike groaned and clutched his shoulder.
" Close enough. " Angel muttered, under his breath and turned to the others. " Okay, this is how were going to do this. Buffy is going to go first with Willow right behind her. If anything gets in the way, you two are going to have to take it out. I'm not going to be much good. Andrew you bring up the rear and watch our backs. "
I nodded. It sounded like as good a plan as any and we all started for the entrance and came face to face with the most evil eyes I have ever seen.