Chapter Fourteen - I love you, too

The first thing that occurred to me was pain. It stabbed through my chest as I tried to take a tentative breath. The next thing was that the surface I was laying on was hard, unyielding and very uncomfortable. I could feel the dirt under my fingers, fine and course like sand, but not.

I moved my head and was surprised to find the surface under it was different. My skin stuck to it. It was squishy and soft and it crinkled as I moved. Then the smell hit me and I realized it was Spike's coat.

I opened my eyes and all I could see was blue. A brilliant blue with an intensity I would know anywhere.

Spike was staring down at me with a slight smile on his now human, almost completely healed face.

" Are you all right ? " I heard Angel ask from behind him.

I tried to move. I wanted to wrap my arms around Spike and never let him go. But the pain in my back and chest was too severe to make that possible. So I concentrated on speaking instead.

" I think so. " I whispered, it was the best I could do, since I really couldn't take a full breath. " Is it over ? " I asked. "Are we safe ? "

Spike's smile deepened and I felt his arms around me. " We're fine, Luv. Everything is okay. " he told me.

" Thanks to Spike. " Andrew said, coming into my vision. " Warren was trying to crush you. Spike got to you just in time. "

My eyes never left his. I couldn't stop staring into those eyes I had dreamed about so many times over the last few months.

" How did you do it ? " I managed.

Angel came up beside Spike and put his hand on his shoulder. " We can talk about that later. " he answered. " Right now, grab her and let's get out of here. "

Spike pulled me to him as easily as he could. I gasped out when he shifted me against him, the pain in my back was overpowering. I managed to get my arms around his neck with some effort and then I clung to him like he was a lifeline.

His arms went around my back and I groaned as he hefted me from the ground. Then he put one of his arms under my knees and cradled me against his chest. I could feel the muscles of his chest and shoulders ripple as he started to walk with me, but my eyes went back to his face.

I could still feel a faint sense of him through the bond we shared. His eyes flickered across my face, watching intensely for any sign that he might be causing me more pain with his hold. But I mustered a smile to let him know that I was okay.

I have no idea how he knew where he was going because his eyes never left my face as he continued to move forward.

I pulled my gaze away from him reluctantly when I felt the cold rush of fresh air hit my skin.

We were out. We were safe.

I tried to breath a sigh but it came out as a moan of pain. Spike misunderstood and readjusted his arm on my back.

Then he smiled down at me and brushed a soft kiss against my cheek. " It won't be long now, Luv. " he told me in a reassuring voice. " Almost there. "

His smiled faded a bit as he shifted again. " Are you all right ? " he asked.

I snuggled deeper into his chest and tightened my arms around him. " Just don't let me go. " I answered.

" Never again. " he told me seriously. " You'll be so tired of me you'll be looking for reasons to get rid of me. "

" Promise ? " I asked.

" Promise. "

He stood back while Angel opened the door and gently eased me into the back seat. Then he slid in beside me, grabbing me to him again.

I felt something fall over my shoulder and casting a glance that direction, I saw Willow easing Spike's coat over me as she got in on the other side.

Angel and Andrew took the front seat. We took advantage of the night and decided since I wouldn't be able to drive, we would stop at a hotel and wait out the daylight there. I was grateful for the plan, seating up in the cramped back seat was making my back ache.

I nestled into Spike's chest and let myself release all the tension that had been building over the past few days. Spike's arms were around me, holding me tightly against him.

" Are you all right ? " I asked, as the memory of what he had looked like returned to me.

" I'm perfect. " he answered. " And I hear that I have you to thank for that. "

" I couldn't lose you again. " I told him.

He smiled at me. " I already told you. I'm not ever going anywhere again. "

I let my eyes slide close, relaxing into the security of his arms around me. It was a feeling of safety that I hadn't felt in longer than I could remember.

I didn't wake again until I felt the car stop and heard the sound of the door opening and shutting again. I opened my eyes to find Spike staring down into my face and softly stroking my hair.

He stopped his hand when he saw my eyes looking back at him. I guess he thought I was going to tell him to stop. In the past that is exactly what I would have done. This time I reached up and gently rubbed the back of my fingers against his cheek. Then I eased my hand around the back of his neck and pulled his face to mine.

I got to see his shocked expression as I pressed my lips against his in an easy, lingering kiss.

At first he tried to pull away from me, trying to tell me I didn't know what I was doing I'm sure. But I made sure he understood he wasn't going anywhere by holding him tighter. His arms tightened around me as he relaxed into the kiss and I groaned as he deepened it, sliding his tongue smoothly against mine. I opened my mouth to help allowing him full access.

I think it was the first kiss like this we had ever shared. It wasn't hurried or passionate. It was deeper, more meaningful.

Faintly in the back of my consciousness, I heard the car door open again and the doom lit up the car. Spike pulled back from me reluctantly and I whimpered as his lips left mine.

" Get a room. " Angel said, with teasing sarcasm as he cast a glance over his shoulder.

Then he chuckled and handed a key back to me. " Oh, wait. I already got you one. "

I took the key as I laughed back and Spike joined in as well with an uneasy chuckle of his own.

Confusion covered his face. He had no idea what was going on. I smiled at him reassuringly and he looked back at me with wonder and uncertainty in his eyes. I couldn't believe that he still really didn't know how I felt about him. We had shared a bond when he fed from me and I thought he could feel what I did. But somehow what I felt and his interpretation of it must have gotten jumbled along the way.

" I only got three rooms. I figured that would be enough. Andrew and I can share or Spike and I.. You and Willow can have the other one. Whatever you want to do. " Angel explained.

" Spike and I will take one room and You and Andrew can have another. Willow can have one to herself. " I answered decisively.

Angel nodded. " I figured that would be the way it would work. "

He pulled the car out of the covered drive and parked in front of a row of doors leading in both directions.
" We're on the bottom. " He said. " The one's just this side of the stairs. "
I looked to the stair and checked the room number on the key. I matched it with the number on the door closest to the stairs.

We made our way inside and I had to stifle a laugh when we opened the door to reveal a king size bed in the center of the otherwise bland, ordinary room.

Everything inside was beige or a shade close to it. There was no actually color anywhere except the awful watercolor print which hung over the bed.

Spike looked at me doubtfully and cleared his throat.

" You think we got Red's key by mistake. " he asked.

" Why would you think that ? " I asked, stepping into the room and throwing my bag off into the distant corner.

" There's only one bed. " he answered.

I looked at him like he was stupid. " We've slept together before. " I told him.

" Yeah, but things are different now. " he said closing the door.

" How ? " I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

He came to me and took my hands in his. " Buffy, I've had a lot of time to think about us over the past few days. And I've made a decision that I think is best for both of us. "

I tried to pull my hands away from him. I really didn't like the tone of his voice.

" I can't keep doing what we've been doing. " he continued. " It's killing me and it's holding you back. I know now that you'll never love me and I understand that. Too much has happened between us for you to ever feel that way about me. " He sighed and looked down at my hands. " And I love you too much to keep hoping that someday it will be more. "

I looked at him flabbergasted. Then he looked back at my face and smiled at my reaction.

" Don't look at me like that. You know I'm right about this. It can't just be about sex and comfort anymore. "

I shifted and pulled my hands away forcefully. Then hugged them against my chest.

" It isn't about sex and comfort anymore. " I told him quietly.

He pulled my eyes back to his. " Yes it is and on your end that's all it will ever be. I love you too much to keep you from being happy. You can have more than that with someone you're able to love. "

" But I love you. " I said, trying to keep the pathetic pleading tone out of my voice.

" You don't really mean that. I know you don't. Let's both of us agree to be friends and try to move on. " he offered.

" Friends ? " I asked incredulously. " We can never be just friends. "

He must have taken that wrong because the look on his face said I had truly wounded him.

" All right. " he answered. " Then we will just go our separate ways and forget about each other. "

He stood and tried to move from the bed, but I reached out and grabbed his hand.

He looked down at me and I could see the hurt in his eyes. " I really thought we had moved past this at least. "

I held him tighter as he tried to pull away. " Wait, " I said.

He stopped trying to get away, but the hurt look was still there. " I didn't mean we couldn't be friends. You're my best friend. " I told him.

His eyes softened and his shoulders slumped a little.

" Then what did you mean ? " he asked, sitting down beside me again.

" I meant I can't just be friends with you. " I answered.

He looked away from me and stared down at the floor. " Buffy, this is the best thing for both of us. I know you think you need me but you don't. " he began.

" Yes, I do. These last months have made me realize exactly what you mean to me. " I interrupted him. " You told me yourself, there's something between us. You were right. There is. It wasn't love at the time and I never believed that I would be but it is. I know that now. I see it. "

He drew back from me. " You're just confused. "

I grabbed his hands and held them tightly in mine. " I am not confused. Not anymore. I have spent most of my life confused. But I can tell you, I finally see this clearly. "

He looked at me doubtfully. " I can't take the chance that you will realize you don't love me later on down the road. " he sighed. " I can't risk it. I can't lose you again. "

I squeezed his hands and looked into this eyes. " I'm not going to change my mind. I love you. I have for a long time now. I just couldn't see it. "

His eyes shifted and he looked to the ground again. " I lost my mind last time. I actually lost my mind. I love you too much to lose you. If being friends with you is the only way I can be sure of that. Then that's what I need to do. "

I grabbed his face and turned his eyes back to me. " You aren't going to lose me. I'm here and I love you. I know you still love me, I felt it. "

He stared at me for a long time, just looking into my eyes, searching for something. Then he finally took a deep breath. " I love you more now than I ever did. You know that I do. But I'm just not sure it's enough. "

" Of course it's enough. We love each other. That's always enough. " I answered.

He looked away again. " I can't believe this. " he mumbled.

" What ? " I asked.

He looked back to me and drew a little closer. " This is all I've wanted for as long as I can remember. You don't know how many times I've dreamed of you telling me you loved me. I've seen it in my mind over and over. "

I leaned closer to him and smiled. " Believe it, because I'm telling you now. I love you. "

" I love you, too. " he smiled back at me.

And there it was. After Two years of this emotional roller coaster. After two years of doubts and uncertainties and never knowing what was happening between us, we had our answer. We had our, I love you, too.