An Eva-R Halloween Special.
Don't know what Eva-R is? Then shame on you. GAINAX owns Evangelion, Maher owns Eva-R and its characters, and I own my right to stupidity.
---
(Shinji
walks out in his plug-suit and faces forward. He smiles and
waves.)
Shinji: Hey, welcome to the biggest EVAnt of the year.
Yeah I know that's a bad joke but still.... In any case, I'm your
host tonight. NERV's budget has been cut rather sharply lately, so
it's fundraising time once again. Instead of doing our usual
Evangelion-shaped cookies bake sale, we're doing a little something
special for Halloween. We're gonna enter the scariest place on earth,
NERV's Haunted House, the GeoFront. Come with me and I'll take you
through it.
Kensuke (off screen, camera bobs as he speaks):
Hey Shinji, why are you leading this, and what happened to that shy
guy attitude of yours?
Shinji: Good question Ken. Well we all
drew straws for this job and well....
Kensuke: You
lost.
Shinji: No, actually, Asuka did. But she shoved it into
my direction with a lot of yelling and screaming. She nearly beat me
to a pulp to get me to actually act "normal" for this. Let
me assure you, there is nothing as scary as Asuka in the GeoFront
today, not including my father, who seems to have
dissappeared.
Asuka (diving at him): I heard that you stooge!
(grinds a fist into his head) and where's your scary costume?
Shinji
(breaking from the lock): This is my costume! I figured the only
thing freakier than me is me in a plug-suit. So here it is. Hey,
where's your costume?
Asuka: Idiot, I'm saving that for later.
Get on with the show or we'll be behind schedule. (She starts to walk
away but turns around quickly scanning him with her eyes, smirking.
Shinji takes no notice as she walks away.)
Ken: Dude, the
Devil just checked you out!
Shinji: Yeah right, maybe after
Twelfth Impact.
Ken: I'm serious, I'll play it back for you,
here let me...
Shinji: After the show. Come on.
---
Shinji:
Here we are at the entrance of NERV's main complex, where the
magnetically sealed doors will only allow access to people with NERV
ID's. Once the attraction is open, we'll change that to credit cards,
heh heh.
Ken: I don't see how that's funny.
Shinji:
Huh, neither did I. Anyways, it looks like someone got here before
us. I guess we'll have to wait in line.
Ken: Why don't we just
go to one of the other scanners?
Shinji: Um...because...we
can't, that's why!
(A sweatdrop passes over the
lens.)
Shinji: Anyway, let's just wait for this guy to pass
through.
(A very stiff man slides a card through the machine
and the door opens in the middle. The man moves towards the entrance
without moving his legs. In fact, his feet squeak.)
Ken: Hey,
that's a dummy!
Shinji: Shut up!
(Halfway through the
door, it closes up on the dummy, openning and closing, chopping the
plastic creation as fake blood splatters everywhere. Shinji points
his thumb to the now closed door.)
Shinji: Oh well, too bad he
tried to use a fake ID.
---
Shinji: The halls of NERV
have always been like a maze, so it's perfect for a haunted house.
There are so many trick ways to get around there are little traps
everywhere. Keep a lookout.
Lyn (jumping out of a side hall in
front of Shinji): Blah!
Shinji: (rolling eyes) Eek.
Lyn:
Oh bloody hell, come on! I thought this costume just screamed
creepy.
Shinji: Just who are you supposed to be anyway?
Lyn:
Alucard from Hellsing. It is a British based anime after
all.
Shinji: Then where's the creepy cape?
Lyn: The
front door ate it. I need to get Ibuki to fix that. Hey, could you
guys give me a hand? I'm kinda lost.
Shinji (giving the camera
a wink): Sure, Lyn. Just follow us.
---
Shinji: I don't
get it, I don't think I made any wrong turns.
Lyn: You mean to
tell me that we're lost?
Shinji: Yep, sorry.
Ken:
Shinji, didn't you say that at dead ends there's something
scary?
Shinji: Yeah I did, and judging by how long we've been
walking, it could be pretty horrifying.
Lyn:
H...h...horifying?
Shinji: Don't worry. I'm sure I know the
right way. It's that way. (Points to a pitch black hall.)
Lyn:
Why that hall? That other one is perfectly well lit!
Shinji:
Because it's a trick. That'll lead to the trap because you're not
expecting it.
Lyn: Makes sense, black hallway it is!
(Lyn
walks proudly into the pitch blackness. Shinji and Kensuke stand at
the crossroads.)
Ken: You sent him to the trap didn't
you?
Shinji: Wait for it.
Lyn:
Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! (Dashes behind Shinji.) It...it...it's
the most horifying thing I've ever seen!
Ken: What? What is
it? What?
(Footsteps.)
Lyn: No. It's coming!
(Louder
footsteps.)
Lyn: Keep it away. Keep it away.
It's...it's....
(A figure emerges.)
Misato: Hey Shinji,
Kensuke, Lyn. Would you like some juice? (Holds up a can of apple
juice and takes a long swig.)
Lyn: It's Misato sober!
AAAAAAAaaahhhhhhhh! (Faints.)
Shinji (chuckling): Nice one
Misato.
Misato: Think he'll be okay?
Shinji: He'll be
fine. We're just about to get out of here, wanna come with?
Misato:
Sure. I need a beer anyway.
---
Shinji: Geez this is a
long hallway.
Misato: Shinji-kun! You're trying to
intentionally get us lost, aren't you?
Shinji (stopping in
front of a dark room with the door open, facing Misato): I am not! I
just haven't been here in a wh....
(Two hands cup his mouth
from the dark confines of the room and snatch him into it as the door
closes. Shinji's scream pierces the place.)
Misato and Ken:
Shinji!
Asuka (panting after dashing into the picture): I just
heard screams, what happened?!
Ken: Something took Shinji in
there!
Asuka (snarling and pushing her sleeves up): No one
makes Shinji shriek but me. Wait here.
(She whips the door
open and jumps in. It closes again, and another scream echoes through
the hall.)
Misato and Ken: Asuka!
(They fling open the
door and dive in. Misato draws her pistol. The room is completely
dark. Suddenly a computer pannel lights up on a wall, and so do two
large cylinders with backlights. Misato cringes as she remembers the
look of the dummy plug room. The lights brighten in the tubes to
reveal two people, one with short brown hair and one with long red
hair, slowly dissolving in solution, their internal organs showing in
different spots. Misato bends over and retches, looks up again,
screams, and faints.)
Asuka: Heh, that was fun.
(The
real Shinji and Asuka emerge from behind the computer
console.)
Shinji: Didn't think she'd puke though. We may have
gone overboard.
Asuka: Relax, she's used to puking up all that
beer. Besides, it's payback for all the teasing.
Shinji:
Whatever. (Turning around and calling.) You can come out now, Rei,
Tenkei.
(Ken's camera spins around as the said persons exit
out of an adjacent room. The two other pilots meet them
halfway.)
Asuka: Thanks for slapping that little trick
together for us, Wonder Girl.
Shinji: It was very realistic.
It even creeped me out.
Asuka: You're creeped out at
everything, stupid.
Rei and Tenkei:...
Asuka: Well, I'm
out. I'm going to go change into my costume. See your frightened
faces later.
Shinji: Well that's it for her for now. Rei,
Tenkei, no one is going to come around here for a while. Care to join
us? (They nod) Then let's finally get out of this maze.
---
Shinji:
Now that we're finally out of that annoying hallway dilema, we've
made it to the Eva cages. The bridge behind the Evas have been
damaged recently, so we can't go that way. We'll have to take the
umbilical bridges across.
Ken: You mean I'll finally be able
to see an Evangelion up close? Sweet!
Rei: Ikari, there is
nothing wrong with the main br....
Shinji: Let's get
going!
(Shinji pushes Rei onto the bridge. She shuts up and
walks along slowly.)
Shinji: There have been some weird
reports about the Evas at this time of night. There have been crazy,
unconfirmed reports of strange happenings around here. Personally I
think the night shift shouldn't be eating the late menu at Taco
Bell.
Ken: What kind of reports?
(Stopping at
00)
Shinji: Well they keep saying that 00....
(Giant
flatulant sound.)
Shinji: Gets nighttime indigestion. (pinches
his nose shut) Let's get out of here before we get a wiff.
(Runs
and stops in front of 01 panting.)
Ken: That...was
close.
Shinji: No...kidding. (A large red drop hits his head.)
What?
(He looks up as another drop hits him in the face. He
wipes it off. The source of the liquid is dribbling out of the mouth
of 01. Blood is dribbling off of its wide open chin.)
Shinji:
I'm not piloting you until you brush your teeth, Mother! You get
that?! Splattering blood all over me. (The others blink at him) What?
She just can't seem to break that midnight snack habit. Let's
go.
(02 cage.)
Shinji: The reports on this one are
probably false, but they say that 02 has a nighttime allergy.
Ken:
A nighttime allergy?
Shinji: Yeah, they say that....
02:
Aaaaahhhhh! Aaaaahhh!! Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!
Shinji: Oh crap! She's
gonna...
02: Aaaaaahhhhchhhooooo!
(Shinji and Ken are
blown back, covered in slime, along with the entire bridge, other
than Rei and Tenkei. Their AT fields recede. Shinji and Ken sit up
and begin to spit out the goo.)
Ken: Did I just get plastered
by EVA snot? Ptooey.
Shinji: Yeah. Ptooey. Didn't think I'd
get it though. I planned this one out. Ptooey.
Asuka: Did you
really think I'd let you do something this stupid with MY EVA
Shinj-idiot?
(Asuka stood on top of 02's head with a grim
reaper costume on.)
Asuka: Consider this revenge, hahahahaha!
Fire!
02: Aaachoo!
(The boys are thrown back by the
blast again.)
Shinji: This stuff tastes worse than LCL.
Pleach!
Rei: Ikari, do you need something to wipe that off of
your mouth? (She approaches him.)
Shinji:
right now...thanks.
Rei: Understood.
Asuka: What do you
think you're doing WonderGirl?
(She planted a long kiss on his
lips.)
Asuka: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! (Faints)
Ken:
Aaaaaaahhhhh! (Cameral falls to the side. Ken faints.)
(Rei
separates from Shinji.)
Rei: Did I get it all,
Shinji-kun?
(Shinji blinks and faints. Rei picks up the camera
and turns it towards Tenkei.)
Tenkei: Good plan.
Rei:
Thank you.
Tenkei: Well now that I'm the host, let's
continue!
---
Tenkei: Well, we've got one more Eva cage
to visit, and it's 06. The rumors aren't about what it does, but what
is around it at night. I wonder if this rumor is true.
(They
step on the umbilical bridge.)
Aoi: My last mission will soon
be upon me.
(She stands on the center of the bridge and stares
at the yellow Evangelion. She turns white and stretches out four
wings, floating to where the Eva's nose should be, patting it.)
Aoi:
Ask Lyn to forgive me for destroying all life on Earth.
Tenkei:
Woah, Aoi. Nice costume! I don't even see any wires holding you up.
Talk about state of the art.
Rei: It is...interesting.
Aoi:
Oh, hey guys. Have you seen Lyn? I'd like to talk to him for a
while.
Rei: He is recovering from shock from viewing Major
Katsuragi sober.
Aoi: That's the crulest fate of all next to
Third Impact!
Tenkei: Check the hospital wing later on. By the
way, where can I find an Angel suit like that?
Aoi: It's
custom. You like?
Tenkei: Yes.
Rei: Tenkei, we must
continue.
Tenkei: Understood. Bye Aoi. Don't stay up there for
too long.
(They exit the cages.)
Aoi: If they only
knew.
---
Tenkei: Well, the last stop on this creepy
journey is Central Dogma, where everything happens normally. But
nothing seems to be happening right now.
Rei: You do realize
that saying so might start something.
Tenkei: I do. That is
why I said it.
Rei: I see.
(The commander's chair
swiveles around. Commander Ikari presses his elbow on the intercom
button as he assumes his classic pose.)
Ikari: This ends now.
All personell to Central Dogma on the double.
Rei: Commander?
Are you not supposed to be on vacation?
Ikari: That matters
not.
(Everyone seen so far files in in their various costumes.
Ken is still wiping slime off of himself. Asuka rubs her head from
fainting on 02. Aoi catches Lyn's eye and they start putting the
moves on each other. Misato is using beer as a mouthwash for the
vomit she expelled. Tenkei and Rei just stand there, the girl's hand
on the little boy's shoulder.)
Ikari: I see everyone is
assembled. I am very dissappointed at this display of patheticism
ther....
Asuka: Hey, where is Shinji?
Ikari: That child
is unimportant. He is only a pawn for all of your schemes. Your
misconduct will be punished, and it will be given out right
now.
(The glare he shoots paralyzes them.)
Ikari: Pilot
Soryu. You will be leaving Major Katsuragi's care and returning to
Germany, without your Evangelion. (Asuka gasps and sobs.) Major
Katsuragi, you will no longer be in custody of either child and will
permanently remove any and all alcoholic beverages from your area. In
other words, you will quit drinking. (Misato crumples her can.)
Pilots Anoulith and Tamashii, you will be living with each other from
now on, but will be separated by a large piece of bulletproof glass.
You will be allowed zero bodily contact with each other. (They hug
each other like it is the last time, because it is.) Mr. Aida, you
are guilty of spying on NERV, punishable at your age by life in
prison. You will begin your sentence after this meeting is complete.
(Ken drops his towel.) Rei, Tenkei will be sent to an orphanage in
Tokyo-2. You will have no more contact with each other.
Rei
(hugging the boy close): I will not let you.
Ikari: Foolish
child. Are there any other objections? (A murmur runs through the
assembly) Is that so? Then you are all so...so...so...
(The
Commander chuckles, and his hands drop away from his face, showing a
hairless chin.)
Shinji: So gullible! (Taking off the Gendo
costume.) You actually thought I was him! I had you all wetting your
pants! Hahahahahaha! (Doubling over in the Commander's
chair.)
Asuka: IKARI SHINJI! I am SO going to kill
you!
(Before she leaps up and strangles him, a door slides
open, revealing a brown-haired, bearded man with tinted glasses. He
was wearing an I LUV NERV T-shirt and cargo pants. He enters, raises
a hand, and waves.)
Gendo: Hey everyone, what's going on?
Asuka, I'm impressed with your most recent synch test results, keep
it up. Major, I'd promote you again, but there are no positions left
open. Kensuke, I hear that the intelligence division could use
someone of your talents, interested? Aoi, Lyn, can I be the best man
at the wedding? And Rei, I'm working on getting the papers through so
that you can be Tenkei's permanent guardian.
(Everyone's jaws
drop.)
Gendo: Oh, and Shinji?
(He stands there,
fidgeting.)
Gendo: I love you.
Everyone but Gendo: IT'S
IKARI BEING NICE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(They collapse to
the floor, all out cold. Gendo chuckles.)
Gendo: This was an
excellent plan you cooked up, Fuyutski, Okazaki.
(The said
adults enter the room.)
Seyoko: They needed something to scare
them other than 15 story high Angels.
Fuyutski: This seemed
the most logical approach.
Gendo: Then there is one thing left
to do.
(He pulls them into a group hug.)
Gendo: You
guys are the best!
(The two share a look, then collapse to the
floor, not to get up until they wake.)
Gendo: Now I can
finally get some peace around here.
(He leans back in his
chair and presses a remote control, bringing up the camera of Lilith
in terminal dogma.)
Gendo: I don't know why, but I really feel
like watching Casper right now.
---
Happy Halloween
everyone! Sorry if it's an hour late.