Chapter Seventeen - Rewards
Stars exploded behind my tightly clenched eyes as I rode out wave after wave of pleasure with him fastened tightly to my throat. Then I cried out as I realized I wasn't just experiencing my own ecstasy, but his as well. I could feel what my body was doing to his. I could sense the feelings that were flowing through him in waves of emotions.
His desire, his pleasure, and his love of me were all there stretched out before me, letting me share in his feelings. My hands were clenched so tightly on his shoulders, I was sure I was leaving bruises, but I didn't care and he didn't seem to either, if he even noticed.
Finally, we both stopped moving and he rested against me, half supporting his weight on his hands at either side of my head. I still held him, not letting him move away from me even when he tried.
We laid that way, reveling in the variety of emotions that were whirling between us. Finally, I let him pull away and he flopped onto his back beside me, exhausted. I rolled to him and rested easily against his side.
" I can't believe it, " he panted as held me tightly against his side. " I never thought it was possible. "
" I told you, I love you. " I answered, more than a little out of breath myself.
" I know. " he said solemnly. " I can feel it. "
" Why couldn't you feel it before, in the cave ? " I asked purely out of curiosity.
" I guess I was so badly injured I couldn't make much sense of anything. " he surmised.
" Well at least now you know. " I smiled, lazily.
He leaned his head down and brushed a kiss against my lips. " Yes, now I know. "
My mind had started to drift into a fog of sleep when I suddenly felt him go rigid, all his muscles tense at once. I looked up into his face and I could sense the shock in him.
" Buffy, " he whispered, sitting up beside me and looking at me intensely.
Suddenly, I understood and mentally berated myself for letting him find out this way, instead of telling him myself. He had sensed the baby.
" Spike, I was going to tell you about it, I just didn't have a chance with everything that's been going on. " I began.
But he cut me off abruptly. " You don't have to explain. I was dead. I understand. "
I looked at him, trying to gauge whether or not to believe him from the emotions that I felt from him. I wanted to know how understanding he would have been if the baby hadn't been his. But the only thing I could feel from him was shock.
I was just about to tell him when I guess he picked up on the thought from me and he sat back in stunned disbelief.
" Mine... " he mumbled, letting the word fall from his lips like there was nothing he could do to stop it. " How ? "
I sat up beside him. " I don't know. " I answered.
I felt the jumble of emotions pouring from him as if they were my own and in fact most of them were the exact same emotions I had experienced when I first found out.
Then his expression changed and I shrank back at the anger on his face.
" How could you come after me like that ? How could you put yourself in danger like that ? " he asked.
" How could I not come after you ? " I countered.
His face eased a bit but his eyes were still dark. " If you ever put our child in danger like that again. " he threatened half-heartily.
But my mind was still stuck. Our Child, he had said. Our Child. The thought hadn't really taken shape like that in my mind yet. His words echoed over and over in my mind. Our Child.
" Buffy, " he asked, reaching out to touch my hand. " Are you all right ? "
I physically shook my head to bring me back to reality. " I'm fine. " I answered.
" I still don't understand how this is possible. " he commented.
" Angel seems to think it has something to do with some rewards you told him about. " I said.
" Angel knows ? " he asked.
" He was the one that told me. " I answered. Then I looked down at the floor sheepishly.
" Angel isn't the only one that knows. " he said, taking in my expression.
I looked back at him and saw that the look on his face wasn't angry. " Well, I kept passing out all over the place. Everyone was worried about me. " I explained.
" You passed out ? " he asked, incredulously.
" Just a couple of times. The doctor said I was fine though. " I said, trying to put off his obvious concern.
" Have you been eating ? " he demanded, grabbing my chin with his finger and pulling my face up to his.
" Some. " I answered, truthfully. " Andrew has made me. "
He sighed and slumped his shoulders. " Buffy, " he began in a lecturers voice, " I'll not have you not taking care of yourself. You haven't been eating right. You're putting yourself in danger. " he looked into my eyes, holding me in a penetrating gaze. " Except now you're not just putting yourself in danger. You putting our daughter in danger, too. "
" I know. " I started, but then stopped abruptly. " Our daughter ? " I asked, suddenly aware of what he had said.
" Yeah, you have to stop. I don't want you doing any more slaying ... " he trailed off as he looked at my face. " What ? "
I couldn't hide my smile. " We're having a girl.
" Well, yeah, " he answered. Then he took in my expression. " Obviously you didn't know that. " he added. " I'm sorry to ruin the surprise for you. "
I reached to him and pulled him tightly against me.
" I love you. " I whispered against his cheek.
"I love you, too. But I still want you to promise me, you're going to stop being so reckless. " he answered, hugging me back.
" I promise. " I told him.
Then I sat back and scrutinized his expression carefully, letting myself feel his emotions and trying to determine exactly how he felt about the baby.
" What ? " he asked, after a minute of my staring.
" I just want to really know how you feel about this. " I answered. " I don't want you to feel bound or obligated to me because of the baby. If you don't want to raise a baby I understand. I mean you really don't strike me as the fatherly type. "
He stared at me and I thought for a moment his mouth was going to start gaping. He was looking at me like he had never seen me before, like I was an alien he couldn't figure out.
" What the hell are you talking about ? " he asked me finally.
" I'm just saying I know the baby wasn't part of the deal when you said you would stay with me. And I understand if it changes things. Some people are just not cut out to be parents. "
He stood from the bed abruptly and started to pace, running his hands through his hair as he did. I watched him intently. I knew we were in the midst of a pretty deep discussion but eyeing him walking back and forth, nude in front of me was distracting me. He wore his nudity so easily. I was always shy about my body. Spike was absolutely, completely comfortable with or without clothes. Actually, truth be told, he seemed more comfortable without them. He stopped pacing and turned towards me, and I had to concentrate to focus my eyes on his face.
" You know, when I was alive, one of the things I wanted more than anything was a family of my own. You know, a wife and children, a little house somewhere in the country. " he paused and came back to the bed, sitting beside me. " It was one of the things that held me back from going into the clergy, actually. "
It was my turn to stare. I had never known any of these things before. " I thought you wanted to be a poet. "
" I did, but I was also realistic. My poetry really was bloody awful. The nickname suited me. " he smiled.
I chuckled and touched his shoulder. " But that was over a hundred years ago. How do you feel about it now ? " I asked, although I could feel some of what he was feeling through the bond. I needed to hear it from his mouth. In his own words.
" It's still all I could ever hope for. I thought Drusicilla and Angelus robbed me of my chance at a real family and I resented them for it for a long time. But now I have a opportunity to have everything I have ever wanted. I can't for the unlife of me figure out why. I certainly don't deserve it. "
I sat there touching him and listening to him and at the same time I let myself revel in the emotions he was feeling, the thoughts that were flickering through his head. There was positively no doubts in the way he felt about me or the baby. And underneath all that he couldn't believe that I would think for a minute he wouldn't want the baby.
It made a warm feeling start in my stomach and travel throughout my body.
" You deserve all this and more. You are one of the most deserving people I know. You sacrificed yourself for all of us. None of will ever forget that. " I assured him.
" I wish I thought that made of for half things I've done over the years. " he sighed.
" It obviously does to someone. If not, you wouldn't be here now. "
He considered that for a moment. Then he smiled at me. " You know, I was offered a choice of whether I wanted to move on or go back to my life. I choose to come back. I think it astounded the poor little thing that was there. " he chuckled. " I think he thought that since I had lived for so long, I would be ready to go. But I told him, I couldn't leave you. I had to keep you safe. "
" You gave up a chance at Heaven to stay here with me ? " I asked, incredulously.
" Well, he never actually put in those words, but he implied that was were I was heading. I told him I had to get back to you. And he just looked at me and shook his head. Then he told me that because of the sacrifice I made I would be greatly rewarded. "
I kissed him. " I think you have been. "
He pulled me against him and kissed me deeper this time, making me feel it in my toes.
" I know I have. " he answered when he finally pulled away from me.
The End