AN: I apologize for Fat Louie's very random and hystericalness in this chapter. It really couldn't be avoided. It is Louis Thermopolis and underneath the orange fur and sock-eating tendencies, he's just as insane as the rest of us.

Or, y'know, probably more ... a lot more.

Monday, July 21st

10:57 AM

Don't make me go. Please. Someone save me. Now. Before it's too late!!!!!!

... I suppose I'm not being very manly about this, am I?

I'm being ridiculous, completely and utterly ridiculous. Even Tigger from Winnie the Pooh wouldn't be this cowardly! This is shameful! Surely I'm stronger than a hopping-mad tiger! I mean, come on! I may not be able to sing that little song thing he does when he's hopping but I wouldn't want to! It's girly! I mean, a song for hopping? What kind of self-respected feline does that?

Well ... a girly one, I guess.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT TIGGER IS! GIRLY! UNLIKE ME, WHO IS ONE TOUGH AND HARDCORE MALE CAT!

Seriously, I am totally tough. Just last week there was this huge spider in the bathroom, and when I say huge, I mean the T Rex of spiders. This thing could eat a Chihuahua, no lies. And guess what I did when poor, innocent Helen let out this huge yelp of "OH, MY GOD, A SPIDER!"

I came running to the rescue, all right, totally poised for paw-to- ... leg? What do you call spider's legs, anyway? Is it just leg or is there a scientific name for it? I mean, like with humans, their funny bone is actually called a humerus bone (thank you Mia's Biology textbook) ... even though that's still, y'know, almost the same exact name, but whatever. Anyway, let's just call it paw-to-leg combat, okay? Yeah.

Anyway, I was totally the Rambo cat of the moment. I was NOT to be messed with. You DO NOT fuck with the Louis. It's just not simply done.

... What was I writing about again?

Oh, yes the ... gulp ... spider.

Anyway, I totally swept into the room, ready for the spider smack down, and that's when I saw the great beast, which was indeed very beastly. Not only could that so-called spider eat a Chihuahua, it could probably eat three ... and a nice pair of Mia's socks to go with it.

Honestly. It could. I'm not delusional.

Well, I suppose that could be debated but I'm not that delusional.

But I was scared. I was way petrified just like those kids in the second Harry Potter when they got all frozen and ... petrified-y. I was like Mrs. Norris ... except I don't have freaky red eyes and stalk students in the corridors. What was up with that, anyway? I have never seen a cat with red eyes. Ever. It disconcerted me a bit, I'll admit.

Er ... where was I?

Oh, yes, my lack of bravery when it comes to T Rex-sized spiders. Right.

Well, to make this as painlessly brief as possible ... I bolted. I ran far away. Helen could handle the situation; she's tough.

LIKE ME.

Y'know, except when it comes to spiders, especially the mammoth ones of most certain DEATH.

Monday, July 21st

11:11 AM

Oh, God, I'm not going to live through this. The Dr. Briggs visit I mean.

... Mommy ... hold me?

Please.