Chapter 12
The group stood, crestfallen, before a sign laid out on the Dollet shoreline, each reading the message which had hastily been scrawled in white chalk.
"Due to bad weather, there will be no more crossings to Balamb this evening."
"But this is our only was back," protested Zell, voicing the frustration that they all held within.
"There must be another way." Selphie's voice was full of hope, but even she knew that this was there only chance.
"There's nothing we can do," reasoned Quistis. "We'll just have to stay at the hotel and get the first boat back in the morning."
"But that might be too late," pointed out Irvine. "If anything happens to Garden tonight, it'll be our fault."
"How can it possibly be our fault?" argued Quistis.
"Because, instead of trying anything we can to warn them, we'll be holed up in some comfortable hotel room watching TV." Irvine turned away from her. "If you can live with the guilt, that's fine. I can't."
"What do you want us to do, swim?" She threw up her hands in frustration. "We're not miracle workers."
"Look guys, arguing isn't going to help us," shouted Selphie. "So why don't we just calm down and think this through rationally."
"That sounds like something Squall would say," joked Irvine. "Hey, speaking of Squall, where is he? They looked around, discovering no sign of him.
"Rinoa's gone too," said Zell.
"Now there's a surprise," muttered Quistis under her breath.
"Squall, where are we going?"
"To find a way out of here," came a gruff reply.
"But there aren't any more boats tonight."
"That's just was it says on the sign. It isn't necessarily the case." Squall began to check the boats that were grounded on the beach, hoping to find a sign of life on just one of them. He knew that, as a SeeD, he had more than enough money to persuade any boatman to sail tonight.
"You really want to get home, don't you?" Rinoa asked.
"It's my duty."
"No, it's more than that. I'm pretty sure that searching every boat for someone who is willing to take us to Balamb is above and beyond the call of duty."
"Not for a SeeD it's not."
"Fine, but there's nobody here. We've checked every boat. It's time to admit defeat." At this, Squall leapt aboard the nearest boat and made his way through the inside of the ship. When he had found what he was searching for, he ripped off a panel underneath the starting motor. After a few minutes of re-wiring, the engine sputtered into life.
"I never admit defeat. Come on, let's get the others. Hopefully, they'll have finished arguing."
"Squall, this is stealing," she hissed. "We could get in real trouble for this."
"It's necessary. I had hoped there would be another way, but there isn't."
"It's still wrong." He sighed, moving on to the outside of the ship. He saw that Quistis, Zell, Selphie and Irvine were heading towards the boat, alerted by the sound of the engine running. He also noticed the booth near to the boat, advertising pleasure cruises around the Galbadian coastline. He sighed, pulling a large amount of gil from his pocket and depositing it in the booth. "You happy now?" he asked Rinoa. She smiled at him but offered no reply.
"Hey, why didn't I think of this?" asked Zell as he boarded the boat.
"Hmm, I wonder," replied Selphie sarcastically. When everyone was safely on board, Squall studied the map that he had found, and steered the boat in the direction of Balamb.
"Hey, look guys," screamed Selphie at the top of her voice. "I found some food." She had started to explore the boat, and had discovered the room where guests would usually eat their meals. Zell and Irvine stampeded towards Selphie, desperate for something to eat.
"Aww, man. They don't have any hotdogs," muttered Zell dejectedly.
"Looks like you'll have to settle for cereal," suggested Irvine. Within five minutes, Zell, Irvine, Selphie and Quistis, were happily tucking in to whatever food they could find. Rinoa sat with them, not eating.
"Hey, Quistis, I checked out the cabins before and I call top bunk," screamed Selphie.
"Fine, fine. You feel the movement of the boat less on the bottom bunk anyway."
Hearing this, Zell and Irvine took one look at each other before shouting, "I call bottom bunk," in unison.
"They have a history of sea sickness," Selphie explained to Rinoa, who nodded her head.
"I said that first, didn't I Quistis?" asked Irvine.
"No, I did," butted in Zell.
"Just settle this later, you two. I would like to be able to eat in peace," she replied.
"Erm, have any of you guys seen Squall?" asked Rinoa, breaking her silence.
"Oh, that's it. Do you have to follow him everywhere?" screamed Quistis at the top of her voice.
"Hey Quistis, take it easy." Selphie tried to calm her down.
"I had to listen to you all in the back of the van yesterday talking about me and Squall. As if it isn't bad enough to hear him say that he doesn't want me, I have to hear you all insinuating that he likes Rinoa. And he doesn't deny it. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"Sorry, Quistis. We…we had no idea you could hear us," Selphie apologized.
"Look, this is all our fault," reasoned Zell. "We brought it up. We were the ones being insensitive. It's not Rinoa's fault. She didn't deserve that outburst." Quistis seemed to contemplate this for a few moments, before sighing heavily.
"You're right, Zell. I'm sorry, Rinoa."
But it was too late. She was gone.
Rinoa fled onto the deck, out into the freezing cold weather, hoping that nobody would follow her out. She was trying her best to hold back the tears that seemed so determined to form, taking in deep breaths of the cool, sea air.
"How dare she say that to me? She had no right." Feeling the wind whip through her hair and sting her face, calmed her temper a little.
"I guess it was understandable. I mean, she has liked Squall for a long time. But it felt as if she was blaming me for getting in the way. That's not true. If Squall had feelings for her, they would have been together long before now. That isn't my fault." She spun round, hearing somebody behind her, praying that it wasn't Quistis. To her relief, she found Selphie.
"She wants to apologise you know?"
"Does she?" Rinoa tried her best to make it sound as though she didn't care.
"She just didn't know how you would react. This was all my fault for bringing up the subject in the van before. She overheard, and well…I think she's just jealous of you."
"What? Jealous of me?" Rinoa aked, obviously astounded. "What for?"
"Well, it's plain to see that you like him, and he hasn't given you the cold shoulder yet."
"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't like him, not in that way. Now, could you please leave me alone?" Selphie complied, seeing that Rinoa was still upset about the incident.
"That wasn't a lie, right? I mean, I told Selphie the truth, didn't I?" She began to walk the deck of the ship, enjoying the fresh air and lack of company. "Then why do I feel so guilty? Why does it feel like that isn't the truth? Do I…no, that's not possible. Then what is it I feel towards him? I can't explain it, I've never felt this way before, but surely it can't be that. I mean, he's cold and a loner. I'm not even sure if he knows how to have fun, or whether he's even had a chance to. Still, being around him brings me so much comfort. From the first moment I met him, I knew he wouldn't hurt me, and that makes no sense. I mean, he's a SeeD. A SeeD sent to kidnap me. How could I fall for him?"
Squall sat on the bow of the ship, his eyes scanning the horizon, watching the sun set over the ocean, making the water below glow crimson. Sunset and sunrise had always been a comfort to him throughout his life. No matter how bad things became, the world would always go on, day would always turn into night, and night would give in to the daylight. It was the eternal cycle, it would never be broken. It had always given him hope. Yet, no matter how many times before he had gazed at the setting sun, he had never truly appreciated its beauty until now. There had never been any beauty in his life before now. His current situation was so foreign to him. For the last few days, he had been protecting someone, fighting to save them. It had replaced the senseless violence and killing that he had been a part of in the past. For once in his life, he could feel good about himself. He was protecting somebody, and in turn, protecting his home. He had been reluctant to tell Rinoa just how much Garden really meant to him. They had taken him in when he had nobody else to turn to, and contrary to what everybody else believed, they had not sucked the humanity out of him. It was merely buried, deep beneath the surface. He wasn't just the mindless drone that people thought he had become, that Rinoa thought he had become. He had proved them all wrong, he had proved her wrong. He wasn't doing this because somebody was paying him to. He wasn't even under orders to do this. He was doing it because he wanted to. He wanted to protect his home, and even if he hadn't realized it before, he wanted to protect Rinoa.
"After all, it's partly my fault that she's in this situation. Maybe Caraway would have gotten to her without my involvement, but nobody can know that for sure. Nobody can predict the future, right? There are no guarantees."
He sighed, pushing back the stray locks of hair that had fallen into his eyes, and gazed once more out to sea, lost deep within his own thoughts and worries about what would happen when they reached Balamb.
"What if the Headmaster blames us for all this? What if he thinks we didn't act accordingly? After all, we deliberately disobeyed orders. Who am I kidding? I disobeyed orders. I'll take the blame for all this myself. It wasn't their fault. I mean, I am in charge of the mission, they all call me Commander for Hyne's sake. They were just following my orders. I'll make sure that Headmaster Cid knows that I acted on my own, and all of this was my idea. I just hope he doesn't do anything to Rinoa. I hope he doesn't send her to Caraway. I told her everything would be alright. I told her she could stay in Garden, and that she would be safe. I don't want that to be a lie."
Guilt swept through him at the thought that he might have lied to her. It frightened him to think that he might have betrayed her trust.
"Why do I feel like this? She's just a client. I've worked for hundreds of clients before now, what's so different about her? Maybe it's just because she's the first client I've worked for that I actually respect. She doesn't fight for money or political power, she fights for the freedom of her townspeople. It just goes to show how many lies we're fed about the resistance groups. They aren't ruthless maniacs with no respect for law and order like I had been told. They were just ordinary people who stood up for their rights which had been taken away from them by force. Maybe she was right when she called SeeD murderers. I just don't know anymore. I wouldn't think that way about any of the individuals I know, but as a whole, maybe SeeD are just highly paid murderers."
He sighed, finally realizing that all of his life, he had never once had a chance to be himself, to follow his own dreams. Sparing Rinoa was the closest he had ever come to being an individual, and to being himself.
"Maybe it wasn't me who saved her. Maybe she was the one who saved me from myself."
He sat up suddenly, as a stunning realization hit him full force.
"Am I falling for her?"
"What are you thinking?" Squall snapped out of his trance at the sound of her voice.
"Nothing really. Just watching the sunset." He turned to look at her, noticing that she seemed upset about something. "Care to join me?"
"Sure." She sat down next to him. "It's beautiful isn't it?"
"Yes. And I never noticed before today?" he muttered. "How many other things have I missed out on?" he thought to himself, wondering what might have been.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing," he replied, realizing that he was slipping back into his thoughts again. "Still cold?" he asked, jokingly when he noticed that she still wore his jacket.
"A little."
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Squall was shocked to find that he wasn't asking this out of courtesy, or because he thought it would be the right thing to do. He actually cared about her reply.
"It's nothing really." She looked into his stormy blue eyes and saw that he was genuinely concerned. "Just something Quistis said."
"Which was?" He pressed her for the information. He didn't want anyone on his team to be giving her a hard time.
"Just something about you not wanting her."
"Why did that make you upset?"
"She turned it back around on to me. Made it out to be my fault." She sighed, holding her head in her hands. "I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused."
"Don't be. You're not the cause of any trouble." To her amazement, Squall grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly. "It's not your fault." She looked up at him, shocked, causing him to become nervous. He quickly retracted his hand. "Erm…sorry. I shouldn't have done that." She smiled at him, and pulled his hand back, slipping her fingers between his.
"Thank you," she whispered, almost as if she was afraid to spoil the moment.
"For what?" he asked, gazing down at their linked hands.
"For caring. For making me feel better. For everything." Noticing his fixation on their hands, she sighed slightly. "What's the matter Squall? You don't like this?" To her surprise, he shook his head and smiled.
"Just not used to it, that's all." She smiled in return, not knowing what to say to this. Sensing that she was unsure of how to continue, Squall decided to change the subject. "So, how did Quistis make you feel that you were to blame?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized how tactless they were. "I'm sorry, you don't have to…" Before he could finish his apology, Rinoa answered.
"She thinks that you like me."
"Oh," was all he could think of to say.
"She overheard the game of truth or dare and got really upset when you said you didn't have any feelings for her. It just made it worse that they asked you about me and you didn't answer. I was going to try and explain to her that it was just because you were sick of all the questions that you didn't want to answer but she was just so angry. Well, there was that and the fact that you were probably too embarrassed to say you didn't like me when I was sat right next to you." This was met with silence. "Squall?" More silence. "You'll tell her the truth won't you?" She moved closer to him to make sure that he was listening to her. He lifted his head in order to look her in the eye. Their faces were now just inches apart, and he could feel her soft, warm breath against his skin. The feeling was intoxicating. He never knew how it felt to be close to someone and his mind was reeling with all the new sensations. "Squall?" she prompted.
"I don't think I should tell her the truth. She isn't going to like it." He leaned forward slightly, giving Rinoa enough time to move away if she wished, and giving himself enough time to pluck up the courage to move that little bit closer. He found it ironic that he had spent so much of his life plunging himself into battle, watching those around him fall to the ground, dead, and yet it took so much courage for him to do what other men didn't think twice about. He took a deep breath, and moved closer, letting his lips brush against hers. He shivered at how gentle and soft her lips could be, and longed for more. She obliged, kissing him softly. His was a feeling of ecstasy, one he had never known before.
A few metres away stood the lone figure of Quistis Trepe. She had come to apologise to Rinoa, to tell her that it wasn't her fault. Quistis had believed that she had misjudged Rinoa, but as she watched the scene that unfolded before her, she found her worst fears coming true.
A lone tear wound its way down her cheek, hitting the deck of the boat as she turned and headed back inside.
Squall had been lost deep inside her eyes, inside her kiss. When the realization finally dawned upon him of what was happening, he pulled away as fast as he could.
"I'm sorry, Rinoa. I can't do this. I just can't." He turned away, not being able to look her in the eye.
"Squall?" She felt herself close to tears, sure that he was going to reject her.
"I can't put you through this."
"What do you mean?"
"Look." He held his hands out towards her. See how stained with blood they are. They will never be clean. They will never be fit to touch you, to hold you. Look at who I am? I've killed."
"I don't care," she whispered, caressing both of his hands. "In time they will come clean."
"That can never happen. My past is too tainted with the blood of others."
"I don't care."
"How can you not?"
"We all have our destiny. There are only so many paths in life that we can choose to walk. You took the only available path to you. It was meant to be. And that path led you here. To someone willing to forget about your past, and focus on the future instead. Are you just going to walk away?" She stood up, looking directly at him, waiting for him to answer.
"All I can do is hurt."
"I don't believe that."
"It's all I've ever done."
"Then it's time for you to learn something different." She leaned upwards and kissed him deeply. Unable to resist any longer, he returned her kiss passionately.