Chapter Three, Return to Never Never Land

Ron was making out with Hermione. As his hand slid up her shirt, she pushed him away... sensuously. "I'm not ready Ron. I'm not... sensual enough," Hermione exclaimed, "To be your... CHEAP WHORE!"

"That's okay Hermione, I'll go find another CHEAP WHORE to be my CHEAP WHORE!" Ron stood and zipped up... sensuously.

Hermione ran away crying... sensuously.

While Ron was contemplating where he was going to find a whore house in Hogwarts. Perhaps WhorePUFF would do. RapinSlut might too. Grippinwhore.

Or possibly Slytherin.

In the midst of his contemplation, he ran into the library where Neville was sprawled ... sensuously, on a polar bear rug. His bear skin coat barely covering his manliness. Ron looked up to see a sign simply saying: "RESTRICTED".

This was fairly symbolic.

Neville glanced up from his book... Unforgettable.... sensuously. He bit his pinky. His diamond pierced nail chipped his tooth. "Ouchies." He whispered... sensuously.

"Five dollars for a quickie?" Neville asked, stroking his porn-stache, sensuously.

"Okay!"

They had a quickie... sensuously. In the middle of the Restricted section.

It turned out Neville was a time travel sex machine. Ron wasn't aware of this though. Ron ran his fingers through Neville's sticky locks. He had candy in there! Ron pulled it out and licked it, "This is yummy..."

Suddenly Ron was sucked down a giant time traveling tube... sensuously. But only somewhat sensuously.

Okay, now what?

He found himself, once again in the restricted section of the library. "What? I thought this was time travel."

He looked up to see an auburn maned (not a horse) sex goddess galloping towards him... (once again, not a horse) sensuously. "Sorry, I must prepare for the school play/sex-rite. Want to... help?"

Ron blanched. "Okay..."

Ron pondered his sexuality. What was he? Man or beast? Sensuously.

FIVE HOURS LATER

"I'm pregnant, and I'm Lily... Sensual...I mean, Evans," she said twirling her hair... sensuously. And popping bubble gum because she's stupid.

NINE MONTHS LATER

"Ouchies," Lily sighed as she popped yet another muffin out of the oven.

"Waaaaaah." the muffin... er, baby cried... sensuously. No seriously, it's a baby. People don't just give birth to pastries on a regular basis. Or so We believe.

"I'm like a sensual bakery," Lily pondered.

James, the "father" came in. NObody questioned his paternity. Or his manhood. Unless they wanted their head lights smashed and their car raped. Tail pipes stood no chance against James.

"I must explain this scenario. James had to marry me because I was pregnant and the REAL father abandoned me to go back to his sex machine... sensuously," Lily explained to the baby.

It drooled.

"My muffin," she purred.

It pooed.

James decided to leave. This was TOO disturbing. Ron reappeared.

"My ... croissant of passion, I just realized something, I'm in the past!" Ron yelled.

Lily glared, "You've been here for nine months you dimwit. You just noticed? Holy hell and spitfire! Even I knew! And I'm only passing my classes because of my sexcellent 'extracurricular activities' AKA Lap dances."

Ron shrugged. "McGonagall is quite the tipper." He snapped his man thong and slapped his ass at the same time! Lily nodded.

We know you're trying this amazing feat. Try it with both hands... sensuously.

"I think I'll name this muffin... I mean child... Harry," Lily cooed.

"What about Phillip?" Ron suggested.

Lily neighed, "NO! Harry..."

"I just noticed, he has red hair. Isn't James his 'father'?" Ron winked... sensuously.

Lily pulled her wand out from between her legs, "I know some sexcellent hair dye spells! See this auburn mane? It's really a brownish red color."

Ron pondered this.... sensuously.

"REDBEGONE!" Lily yelled. Nothing happened.

People turned and stared.

"Um... BLACKABLE!" His hair and skin color turned a nice jet black.

"Whoops." Lily said, "I burnt my muffin."

Ron sighed. "Here..." He muttered an incoherent Latin spell under his breath that sounded suspiciously like... "CHEAP WGI=89."

Harry was normal.

"I need to leave now." Ron pulled out some hard candy and whispered to Lily, "You put the passion fruit in my champagne." And disappeared.

Lily wistfully whispered, "You are the shish kabob of my life," into the thin air.

Back in the future... sensuously.

It took another three months for Ron to realize that Harry just might be his child. "Oh, wow, my best friend is my son."

"Oh gee," Harry muttered, "How could that be?"

Ron shrugged, "I have no clue... hey, could I try to dye your hair green?"

Harry nodded.

"GREENTASTIC!" Ron yelled flamboyantly. It didn't work. "Yes..." Ron hissed.

"Um, it didn't work," Harry replied... sensuously.

"That's the whole point son... I mean Harry," Ron said with his hand on his hip... sassily. FORESHADOWING.

END OF THIS.

A/N: Thank you everyone for reviewing. Except for everyone who HATES us. That's 88% of you. We actually averaged this. For those of you who try this out... we lied. Doggy hair.

However we accepted the fact that you're all DUMB! We now enter WWIII Authors vs. Reviewers.

To HarryGinny: This isn't the worst story on the site. Harry Potter and the Prophesy's Other Half. Go read this and promptly barf on it. I VOMIT ON YOU.

To Kessa Potizma: I wouldn't talk if I were you. Check out your sn. Do you kiss your motha' with that mouth? "Hello. I am the first known worshiper of the great pot land." We mangle your words!!!!

To Goddess24: Condoms ROCK! Make sure those eggs don't get fertilized.

We're flaming lesbians just so you know.