Disclaimers: I don't own this stuff. Rockstar owns MP & MP2, MTV owns The
Real World.
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities... yadda, yadda, yadda.
And now, episode VI of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Vladimir: picked to live in a house...
Vinnie: and have their lives taped.
Winterson: Find out what happens...
Mike: when people stop being polite...
Annie: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
(The house, Manhattan, morning)
(We see Vinnie, still sleeping on the couch, in his Captain Baseball Bat Boy boxers and a wife-beater undershirt. Max and Mona soon come downstairs and take notice.)
Mona: (giggling) Oh my god. Captain Baseball Bat Boy underwear? What a geek.
Max: (sarcastically) Well, he is a collector.
Mona: Why is he sleeping on the couch?
Max: I think Mike and Annie wanted some alone time, and Vinnie was the third wheel.
Mona: More like the seventh wheel. I think Vlad and Winterson did it last night too.
Max: Wow. We've got a real sex farm here.
(Vinnie soon wakes up and sees Mona and Max.)
Vinnie: (sarcastic) Oh, hello, Payne. Hello, Mona. Did you two have fun last night?
Max: (oblivious) Yes, we did. Thanks for asking.
Mona: Did Kaufman make it home okay?
Vinnie: Yeah, sure.
Mona: Good. He did get a little hammered last night. He sure was chatty.
Max: Yeah, he was actually using... adjectives.
Vinnie: (confessional) Kaufman was drunk. He was spillin' his guts to me last night, babbling about home and his pet sheep and his dreams of starting his own cleaning company. He wants to call it the "Squeaky Cleaning Company." What kinda dumb name is that? And I had to listen to it, because I was the only group member without a girl to dance with.
(Mike and Annie come down, looking quite haggard, but also quite happy.)
Max: Oh, hey guys. Great night last night, huh?
Mike: Yes, it was.
Annie: (smiling at Mike) In more ways than one...
Mona: Just like old times, wasn't it?
Annie: Mmm-hmmm. Like Mike never left.
Mike: Well, I do what I can for the little lady.
(Vladimir comes down, followed by Winterson, who is shouting after him.)
Winterson: Vlad, get back here! We're not done yet!
Vladimir: Come on, Winterson. Even I need a break. Six times is a lot.
Mona: Oh, hey guys. Did you two lovebirds have fun last night?
Winterson: Yes. Lots.
Vladimir: I came down here for a glass of water.
Winterson: Two minutes, Vlad. Then it's back to work.
Vladimir: (sighs) Yes, baby.
Max: (chuckling) Hey Vinnie, how was you're date with Kaufman last night? Did you get lucky?
Vinnie: Hey, f(bleep)k you, Payne.
Max: God, I'm just kidding, Vinnie. You're such a rabid dog in a meat packing plant.
Mona: That was a little mean-spirited, Max.
Max: Geez, sorry. I was just kidding.
Vinnie: Yeah, whatever. I'm goin' upstairs and gettin' dressed.
(Vinnie goes upstairs.)
Mona: Y'know, guys, I can't really blame Vinnie for being upset. We've got three couples and him here, so he's probably feeling left out.
Max: He's a cactus on a glacier. Look at him. How would he ever fit in anywhere?
Mona: He'll fit in here, and we're going to help him.
Vladimir: How?
Winterson: We could find him a date.
Mona: (after a brief pause) Hey, that's a good idea. Anyone here know anyone who's single?
Max: I think one of my neighbors has a Furby. (chuckles)
Mona: Knock it off, Max.
Max: All right, seriously. I have a female neighbor who I don't think is seeing anyone. I'll give her a call.
(Max goes into the kitchen to make the call.)
Winterson: Okay, Vlad. You're two minutes are up. Back up to the bedroom.
Vladimir: Can I have two more minutes? I need to talk to Mike for a bit.
Winterson: (sighs) All right, but hurry it up. (goes back upstairs)
Mike: So, Vlad, what did you need to talk to me about?
Vladimir: Actually, Mike, I need to talk to Mona and Annie more. I just didn't want to say in front of Winterson. You know how jealous she gets.
(Flashback to the fight between her and Mona from Episode III.)
Mona: Uhh, no. Haven't noticed anything.
Annie: So, what's up, Vlad?
Vladimir: I was wondering if you could take Winterson out tonight for a girls' night out or something. I REALLY need a break from her – she is killing me.
Mona: Yes, I noticed she's been bossy towards you lately. And domineering.
Vladimir: So, can you ladies do it?
Annie: Sure, Vlad. I think we can find something that us girls will all enjoy.
Vladimir: Thanks, ladies. While you girls are out, maybe we can have a guys' night in. How does that sound, Mike?
Mike: Sure. I'd love to.
Vladimir: Great. Of course I'll invite Max, and Vinnie, if he doesn't have that date tonight. Maybe I'll even invite Kaufman.
Mona: Sounds like fun. Well, whaddya say, Annie? Wanna go up and talk to Winterson about this?
Annie: Sure, Mona.
(The girls go upstairs. Soon after, Max comes back in from the kitchen.
Max: Well, I talked to... Hey. Where's Mona and Winterson?
Vladimir: Winterson went back upstairs, and Mona and Annie went up to talk to her. I'm hoping they can get her to go out tonight with them so that I can get a break from her.
Max: Oh, I see. Well, I talked to my neighbor. She said that she can't go out tonight because she's booked solid, but she's free tomorrow night.
Vladimir: What do you mean, "booked?"
Max: Oh, she's, uhhh, a masseuse.
Vladimir: (still a little suspicious) Okay.
Max: So, what's up with Winterson?
Vladimir: She is killing me, Max. She won't let me have time to myself or hang out with anyone else. I'm hoping that if Mona and Annie can take her out tonight, then we can have a guys' night in.
Max: Sure, that sounds good.
Vladimir: It can be me, you, Mike, Vinnie, even Kaufman.
Mike: Okay, I go tell Vinnie.
Vladimir: Great. I'll phone Kaufman.
Max: Okay. But Mike... don't tell Vinnie about my neighbor yet. I kinda want it to be a surprise for him.
Mike: Okay, no problem. (Mike goes up.)
(Meanwhile, Mona and Annie have gone up to Vladimir & Winterson's room. The door is closed. They knock.)
Winterson: (from inside) Vlad?
Mona: No, it's me and Annie. Can we come in?
Winterson: Just a minute.
(After a minute, Winterson comes out, wearing a pink satin robe.)
Winterson: What is it?
Annie: Well, Mona and I are going out tonight, and we were wondering if you wanted to go with us. We're having a girls' night out.
Winterson: I don't know. Vlad and I were planning to stay in and spend some time with each other.
Mona: (under her breath) That ain't the way I heard it.
Winterson: What?
Mona: Nothing.
Annie: Come on. We need a break from the guys, and we really want you to come with us. It'll be fun, we promise.
Mona: Come on. We'd look upon it as a favor.
Winterson: (thinks) Well, okay. I guess I could use a break from Vlad, just for a little while.
Annie: A'right! That's cool. We'll leave at around seven.
Winterson: Okay. Thanks.
Mona: Anytime.
(Mona and Annie go back downstairs.)
(Meanwhile, up in Vinnie, Annie, & Mike's room, Vinnie is still getting dressed. Mike shows up.)
Mike: Hey, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Oh, hey, Mike. How ya doin'?
Mike: Great. The girls are going out tonight, and Vlad, Max, and I were wondering if you wanted to join us for guys' night in?
Vinnie: Guys' night in?
Mike: Yes. We have guys-only get together. We drink beer and watch sports. No women to get in the way.
Vinnie: Uhh, okay. Sure.
Mike: Great. Thanks, Vinnie. (Goes back downstairs.)
(Downstairs)
Mike: Hey Vladimir, Vinnie say he's in.
Vladimir: That's good. I called Kaufman, but he said that he won't be able to make. He said he has to work late tonight. By the way, he got that cleaning company started that he said he wanted to, the "Squeaky Cleaning Company." He started it with a couple of the other workers from our cleaning crew.
Max: That's great. I'm happy for him. Did you tell him he still owes me a domino game?
Vladimir: (sighs) Yes, Max. Anyway, that's why Kaufman won't be able to make it tonight.
Mike: Too bad. Oh well, more party for us.
(Vladimir's & Winterson's room, early evening.)
(We see Winterson getting ready. She is wearing what has become her trademark pant-suit, and is putting on her makeup. We hear a knock on the door, and she goes over and opens it.)
Winterson: Oh, hello Mona. I'm almost ready.
Mona: Uh-huh. Listen... could I give you a little constructive criticism?
Winterson: Umm, okay. What?
Mona: You might want to wear something different. No offense, but that pant-suit looks a little drab. I mean, we're going out to be social, not to have a business meeting.
Winterson: Well, Vlad thinks it's cute.
Mona: Well, Vlad isn't coming with us. Come on, just do something a little different. I've got some other outfits. They should fit you okay too.
Winterson: (thinks for a second) All right, let's see what you got.
(Mona disappears, then returns momentarily with a few outfits of hers. Most of them are skimpy and revealing, or very tight-fitting. Winterson tries on several, then eventually decides to wear a tight low-cut pink top and a pair of white hot-pants.)
Mona: That looks pretty good on you. Now, let's let down that hair a little bit.
(Winterson undoes her hair and lets it down. Mona then has her shake and toss it a bit to ruffle it up.)
Mona: Good. Now, let's do your makeup. I've got a couple of colors that I think you'll like.
(Mona takes out a couple of tubes of lipstick, one pink and one with a slightly violet hue. Winterson chooses the violet tube and puts it on. Mona then gives her some facial cream and some rouge for her cheeks, which she promptly applies.)
Mona: There we go. Looks good, huh?
Winterson: (looking in the mirror) Yeah, I guess it does.
(Annie comes walking in.)
Annie: Hey guys, are we about... Wow! Is that you, Winterson?
Mona: Uh-huh. I did her up. She looks good, doesn't she?
Annie: That's right, girl. Them boys are gonna be all over ya.
Mona: I can't wait to see Vlad's reaction.
Winterson: I hope he likes it.
Annie: Well, I'm ready to go. How 'bout you guys?
Winterson: Same here.
Mona: Let's go.
(Downstairs, Vladimir, Vinnie, and Mike are watching Sports Center on ESPN, while Max is on the phone.)
Max: We need three large pizzas topped like an active volcano with pepperoni and extra cheese, and one with Italian sausage spicy like the fires of hell itself, and one with pineapples that take the eater away on his own private Hawaiian vacation...
(Meanwhile, the women are making their way downstairs.)
Mona: Hey Vlad.
Vladimir: (still watching TV) Yes?
Mona: Vlad, you might wanna see this.
Vladimir: (eyes still glued to the TV) In a second, Mona. I'm watching.
Winterson: (in a more sexy voice) Oh Vlad...
(Vladimir finally turns and sees Winterson. He literally does a double take.)
Vladimir: Wow! Is that you, Winterson? You look great!
Winterson: (smiling) Thanks. Mona did me up.
Vladimir: Wow. Great job, Mona. Doesn't Winterson look good guys?
Vinnie: She sure did. I swear, Winterson, if you weren't with Vlad...
Vladimir: Easy there, Vinnie.
Mike: You're right, Vlad. She look beautiful.
Vladimir: Hey Max! Come in and look at Winterson!
Max: (from kitchen) I'll be there in a minute. I'm on a phone call that could make eternity seem like an instant. (over phone) Thirty minutes?... Okay, great. Thanks.
(Max hangs up the phone and comes in. He promptly catches Winterson, and freezes.)
Max: Winterson? Wow, I don't even have a metaphor to describe this. You look hot enough to make the devil sweat. Oh, heh-heh, I guess I do after all.
Winterson: (blushing) Stop, guys. You're embarrassing me.
Mona: Well, we've gotta go. You guys have fun.
Max: Okay, see you tonight.
Vladimir: Have fun, ladies.
Winterson: Thanks, Vlad. See you tonight.
Mike: Later, Annie.
Annie: A'right. Take it easy, Mike.
Vinnie: See ya later, girls.
Mona: Bye, Vinnie.
(The women leave.)
Vladimir: Wow. Now I almost wish I hadn't asked the other women to take Winterson out tonight. Almost.
Max: Well, I'm sure you'll see plenty more of her tonight.
Vladimir: Let's not think about that right now.
Max: The pizzas will be here in about thirty minutes.
Vladimir: Good.
Vinnie: Hey, Payne, can you grab us some beers?
Max: Sure, hold on.
(Max goes back in the kitchen and grabs several beers, then comes back. He gives a bottle to Vladimir, Vinnie, and Mike, and keeps one for himself. He then sits on the couch between Vladimir and Vinnie, with Mike sitting in the chair next to it.)
Max: By the way, Vinnie, don't make any plans for tomorrow night. There's a bit of a surprise for you.
Vinnie: (suspicious) What are you up to, Payne?
Max: Just... a surprise... for you. Don't worry, it's not bad. In fact, I really think you'll like it. You'll see it tomorrow night. So don't make any plans, okay?
Vinnie: Ahh, yeah, okay Payne.
(Prizzi's Club, Upper West Side, about an hour later)
(We see Mona, Annie, and Winterson entering the club. They promptly sit at a small table fairly close to the bar. There is a small dance floor in the center, with many people dancing and many others seated watching, drinking, and chatting.)
Mona: (loud enough to be heard over the music) Hey Annie, can you get the drinks tonight?
Annie: Yeah, a'right. What do yaw want?
Mona: Get me a Fuzzy Navel, would ya?
Annie: Sure. Winterson?
Winterson: Just coffee for me, thanks.
Annie: You sure?
Winterson: Yes, I'm sure.
Annie: Okay, be right back.
(Annie goes over to the bar and orders the drinks. Meanwhile, Mona chats with Winterson.)
Mona: You're not drinking tonight, Winterson?
Winterson: No. I, uh, I have a little stomach ache.
Mona: Oh... okay.
Winterson: (confessional) Okay, I lied. I didn't have a stomach ache. But drinking might screw up my little plan for me and Vlad. (smiles a bit)
(Annie returns with the drinks. Annie is drinking a Long Island Iced Tea.)
Mona: Thanks, Annie.
Annie: Winterson, you sure you don't want anything besides coffee?
Winterson: Yes, I'm sure.
Mona: She's got a little stomach ache.
Annie: Oh, a'right.
Mona: So, Winterson, things going okay between you and Vlad?
Winterson: Yep. Couldn't be better.
Annie: I can see why you're attracted to him. He's a pretty smooth operator.
Mona: Yes, he is. Like a shot of really good bourbon.
Annie: Oh gosh, Mona, you been hangin' out with Max too long!
Mona: (chuckles) Oh... I guess I have, haven't I?
Winterson: You guys are right, though. He is smooth, and sexy. And he's all mine.
Mona: Hey Winterson, can I give you a little more constructive criticism?
Winterson: About what?
Mona: You might wanna let Vlad have a little space. I mean, it's cool that you guys are hot 'n' heavy, but if you don't give him a little space, it could ruin the spark.
Winterson: What? Did Vlad say something to you guys?
Mona: Uhhh... no. I've just noticed that you seem a little... demanding.
Winterson: Well, okay. Maybe I am a little. But I love him so much. Can you blame me?
Annie: No, of course not. But Mona's right. If you let Vlad have his own life, it'll make your time with him sweeter. You should think about that.
Winterson: Well... okay. I guess you guys are right.
Winterson: (confessional) I guess I could lighten up with Vlad. What do I have to be afraid of, anyway? After what I have planned, Vlad's not going anywhere.
(A couple of guys come up to the three women, both dressed in pin-striped suits, one wearing shades and a hat. It's the Finito brothers, from MP1.)
Joey Finito: Hey, ladies. Mind if we join yas?
Mona: Uhh, that's okay. We're fine.
Virgilio Finito: Then how 'bout we buy you girls drinks?
Annie: I really don't think so, guys.
Joey: All right, fine. Let's go, bruttah.
Virgilio: Yeah, their loss, Joey.
Mona: (After they're out of earshot) God, what a couple of creeps.
Winterson: Yeah. Kinda sleazy looking.
Annie: I don't know. They coulda turned out to be okay, but of course we got guys at home.
Mona: Right.
(Meanwhile, at the house, the guys are watching TV. Their pants are all loosened. We see dozens of empty beer bottles on the coffee table or scattered around the floor. The guys are all drunk.)
Max: Heyyy, BJ and the Bear'sh coming on. I used to love thishh show.
Mike: Yeahhh, I see it once in Rrrussia. Gooood show.
Vladimir: I neverrr shhhhaww it, and I got the shame channelsh you did.
Max: Wellll, whatt're we waitin' for, a terrrtle to shend ush an invitashhin shpecial delivery? Let'shh watch.
Vinnie: Uhhh, heyyy, Payne. I kinda w-w-wanna watch Captain Bash... Baysh... Bayshball Bat Boy, if ya don't mind.
Max: Not according to our mothershh, we don't.
(Vladimir and Mike bust out laughing. Vinnie is pissed.)
Vinnie: Payne, I'm ooonly gonna shay thish once. Change the channel, or get yer assh kicked by me.
Vladimir and Mike: Ooooooo...
Max: I'd like to shhee you try, punk.
Vinnie: Ooooo, it'sh on, b(bleep)ch. I'm gonna shhhove that remote up yer ash.
(Vinnie tries to jump up, but trips on his own two feet and falls to the floor. He passes out.)
Max: I win. And I didn't eeeven have to lay a f-f-f-finger on him.
Vladimir: Couldn't hold hish licker if it had a handle.
Mike: (laughing) Vinnie passss out.
(The women soon arrive home. Winterson is carrying a small "Rite-Aid" drugstore bag.)
Mona: Hey guys, how's it going?
Max: Mmmona! Wwwwhat's up, baby?
Mona: Uhh, not much, Max. (sees Vinnie still passed out on the floor) What happened to Vinnie?
Max: I beat his ash without even layin' a ffffinger on him. Like a Jedi Mashterbater. (laughs)
Mona: Oh god, Max. You are so drunk, it ain't even funny.
Winterson: God, they're all drunk, Mona.
Annie: Mike! I'm surprised at you!
Mike: Heyyy, Annie. Let'sh giddyup on outer here and up the stairsh for shum down home lovin'.
Annie: (sighs) Come on, Mike. Let's get you up to bed. You need to sleep it off.
(Annie helps Mike up the stairs to their room.)
Vladimir: Heyyy, Maxxx. We'd better help Vinnie up to the rrroom too.
Max: Shhhhure, Vlad. BJ and the Bearrr ain't goin' nowhere. Heyyy, I can rrrhyme!
(Vladimir and Max stagger over to pick up Vinnie. Despite their own drunken states, they manage to get him up off the floor and up the stairs.)
Mona: Well, I'd better go up with them and make sure they don't pass out on the way. You coming, Winterson?
Winterson: I'll come up and check on Vlad in a minute. I need to use the restroom.
Mona: Okay, see ya.
(Mona goes up. As soon as she's out of sight, Winterson takes the small bag with her into the bathroom. She closes the door and locks it. She then takes out an "Easy Step" home pregnancy test. The camera then wipes to her looking at the test kit thirty minutes later. There is a plus sign, which means she is pregnant!)
Winterson: (smiling to herself) Good.
MTV Announcer: Winterson pregnant, and happy about it? Is Vlad the father? Could this be her big plan? Find out, in our next episode of The Real World: New York.
Okay, I hope this isn't too long, but as usual, please R&R.
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities... yadda, yadda, yadda.
And now, episode VI of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Vladimir: picked to live in a house...
Vinnie: and have their lives taped.
Winterson: Find out what happens...
Mike: when people stop being polite...
Annie: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
(The house, Manhattan, morning)
(We see Vinnie, still sleeping on the couch, in his Captain Baseball Bat Boy boxers and a wife-beater undershirt. Max and Mona soon come downstairs and take notice.)
Mona: (giggling) Oh my god. Captain Baseball Bat Boy underwear? What a geek.
Max: (sarcastically) Well, he is a collector.
Mona: Why is he sleeping on the couch?
Max: I think Mike and Annie wanted some alone time, and Vinnie was the third wheel.
Mona: More like the seventh wheel. I think Vlad and Winterson did it last night too.
Max: Wow. We've got a real sex farm here.
(Vinnie soon wakes up and sees Mona and Max.)
Vinnie: (sarcastic) Oh, hello, Payne. Hello, Mona. Did you two have fun last night?
Max: (oblivious) Yes, we did. Thanks for asking.
Mona: Did Kaufman make it home okay?
Vinnie: Yeah, sure.
Mona: Good. He did get a little hammered last night. He sure was chatty.
Max: Yeah, he was actually using... adjectives.
Vinnie: (confessional) Kaufman was drunk. He was spillin' his guts to me last night, babbling about home and his pet sheep and his dreams of starting his own cleaning company. He wants to call it the "Squeaky Cleaning Company." What kinda dumb name is that? And I had to listen to it, because I was the only group member without a girl to dance with.
(Mike and Annie come down, looking quite haggard, but also quite happy.)
Max: Oh, hey guys. Great night last night, huh?
Mike: Yes, it was.
Annie: (smiling at Mike) In more ways than one...
Mona: Just like old times, wasn't it?
Annie: Mmm-hmmm. Like Mike never left.
Mike: Well, I do what I can for the little lady.
(Vladimir comes down, followed by Winterson, who is shouting after him.)
Winterson: Vlad, get back here! We're not done yet!
Vladimir: Come on, Winterson. Even I need a break. Six times is a lot.
Mona: Oh, hey guys. Did you two lovebirds have fun last night?
Winterson: Yes. Lots.
Vladimir: I came down here for a glass of water.
Winterson: Two minutes, Vlad. Then it's back to work.
Vladimir: (sighs) Yes, baby.
Max: (chuckling) Hey Vinnie, how was you're date with Kaufman last night? Did you get lucky?
Vinnie: Hey, f(bleep)k you, Payne.
Max: God, I'm just kidding, Vinnie. You're such a rabid dog in a meat packing plant.
Mona: That was a little mean-spirited, Max.
Max: Geez, sorry. I was just kidding.
Vinnie: Yeah, whatever. I'm goin' upstairs and gettin' dressed.
(Vinnie goes upstairs.)
Mona: Y'know, guys, I can't really blame Vinnie for being upset. We've got three couples and him here, so he's probably feeling left out.
Max: He's a cactus on a glacier. Look at him. How would he ever fit in anywhere?
Mona: He'll fit in here, and we're going to help him.
Vladimir: How?
Winterson: We could find him a date.
Mona: (after a brief pause) Hey, that's a good idea. Anyone here know anyone who's single?
Max: I think one of my neighbors has a Furby. (chuckles)
Mona: Knock it off, Max.
Max: All right, seriously. I have a female neighbor who I don't think is seeing anyone. I'll give her a call.
(Max goes into the kitchen to make the call.)
Winterson: Okay, Vlad. You're two minutes are up. Back up to the bedroom.
Vladimir: Can I have two more minutes? I need to talk to Mike for a bit.
Winterson: (sighs) All right, but hurry it up. (goes back upstairs)
Mike: So, Vlad, what did you need to talk to me about?
Vladimir: Actually, Mike, I need to talk to Mona and Annie more. I just didn't want to say in front of Winterson. You know how jealous she gets.
(Flashback to the fight between her and Mona from Episode III.)
Mona: Uhh, no. Haven't noticed anything.
Annie: So, what's up, Vlad?
Vladimir: I was wondering if you could take Winterson out tonight for a girls' night out or something. I REALLY need a break from her – she is killing me.
Mona: Yes, I noticed she's been bossy towards you lately. And domineering.
Vladimir: So, can you ladies do it?
Annie: Sure, Vlad. I think we can find something that us girls will all enjoy.
Vladimir: Thanks, ladies. While you girls are out, maybe we can have a guys' night in. How does that sound, Mike?
Mike: Sure. I'd love to.
Vladimir: Great. Of course I'll invite Max, and Vinnie, if he doesn't have that date tonight. Maybe I'll even invite Kaufman.
Mona: Sounds like fun. Well, whaddya say, Annie? Wanna go up and talk to Winterson about this?
Annie: Sure, Mona.
(The girls go upstairs. Soon after, Max comes back in from the kitchen.
Max: Well, I talked to... Hey. Where's Mona and Winterson?
Vladimir: Winterson went back upstairs, and Mona and Annie went up to talk to her. I'm hoping they can get her to go out tonight with them so that I can get a break from her.
Max: Oh, I see. Well, I talked to my neighbor. She said that she can't go out tonight because she's booked solid, but she's free tomorrow night.
Vladimir: What do you mean, "booked?"
Max: Oh, she's, uhhh, a masseuse.
Vladimir: (still a little suspicious) Okay.
Max: So, what's up with Winterson?
Vladimir: She is killing me, Max. She won't let me have time to myself or hang out with anyone else. I'm hoping that if Mona and Annie can take her out tonight, then we can have a guys' night in.
Max: Sure, that sounds good.
Vladimir: It can be me, you, Mike, Vinnie, even Kaufman.
Mike: Okay, I go tell Vinnie.
Vladimir: Great. I'll phone Kaufman.
Max: Okay. But Mike... don't tell Vinnie about my neighbor yet. I kinda want it to be a surprise for him.
Mike: Okay, no problem. (Mike goes up.)
(Meanwhile, Mona and Annie have gone up to Vladimir & Winterson's room. The door is closed. They knock.)
Winterson: (from inside) Vlad?
Mona: No, it's me and Annie. Can we come in?
Winterson: Just a minute.
(After a minute, Winterson comes out, wearing a pink satin robe.)
Winterson: What is it?
Annie: Well, Mona and I are going out tonight, and we were wondering if you wanted to go with us. We're having a girls' night out.
Winterson: I don't know. Vlad and I were planning to stay in and spend some time with each other.
Mona: (under her breath) That ain't the way I heard it.
Winterson: What?
Mona: Nothing.
Annie: Come on. We need a break from the guys, and we really want you to come with us. It'll be fun, we promise.
Mona: Come on. We'd look upon it as a favor.
Winterson: (thinks) Well, okay. I guess I could use a break from Vlad, just for a little while.
Annie: A'right! That's cool. We'll leave at around seven.
Winterson: Okay. Thanks.
Mona: Anytime.
(Mona and Annie go back downstairs.)
(Meanwhile, up in Vinnie, Annie, & Mike's room, Vinnie is still getting dressed. Mike shows up.)
Mike: Hey, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Oh, hey, Mike. How ya doin'?
Mike: Great. The girls are going out tonight, and Vlad, Max, and I were wondering if you wanted to join us for guys' night in?
Vinnie: Guys' night in?
Mike: Yes. We have guys-only get together. We drink beer and watch sports. No women to get in the way.
Vinnie: Uhh, okay. Sure.
Mike: Great. Thanks, Vinnie. (Goes back downstairs.)
(Downstairs)
Mike: Hey Vladimir, Vinnie say he's in.
Vladimir: That's good. I called Kaufman, but he said that he won't be able to make. He said he has to work late tonight. By the way, he got that cleaning company started that he said he wanted to, the "Squeaky Cleaning Company." He started it with a couple of the other workers from our cleaning crew.
Max: That's great. I'm happy for him. Did you tell him he still owes me a domino game?
Vladimir: (sighs) Yes, Max. Anyway, that's why Kaufman won't be able to make it tonight.
Mike: Too bad. Oh well, more party for us.
(Vladimir's & Winterson's room, early evening.)
(We see Winterson getting ready. She is wearing what has become her trademark pant-suit, and is putting on her makeup. We hear a knock on the door, and she goes over and opens it.)
Winterson: Oh, hello Mona. I'm almost ready.
Mona: Uh-huh. Listen... could I give you a little constructive criticism?
Winterson: Umm, okay. What?
Mona: You might want to wear something different. No offense, but that pant-suit looks a little drab. I mean, we're going out to be social, not to have a business meeting.
Winterson: Well, Vlad thinks it's cute.
Mona: Well, Vlad isn't coming with us. Come on, just do something a little different. I've got some other outfits. They should fit you okay too.
Winterson: (thinks for a second) All right, let's see what you got.
(Mona disappears, then returns momentarily with a few outfits of hers. Most of them are skimpy and revealing, or very tight-fitting. Winterson tries on several, then eventually decides to wear a tight low-cut pink top and a pair of white hot-pants.)
Mona: That looks pretty good on you. Now, let's let down that hair a little bit.
(Winterson undoes her hair and lets it down. Mona then has her shake and toss it a bit to ruffle it up.)
Mona: Good. Now, let's do your makeup. I've got a couple of colors that I think you'll like.
(Mona takes out a couple of tubes of lipstick, one pink and one with a slightly violet hue. Winterson chooses the violet tube and puts it on. Mona then gives her some facial cream and some rouge for her cheeks, which she promptly applies.)
Mona: There we go. Looks good, huh?
Winterson: (looking in the mirror) Yeah, I guess it does.
(Annie comes walking in.)
Annie: Hey guys, are we about... Wow! Is that you, Winterson?
Mona: Uh-huh. I did her up. She looks good, doesn't she?
Annie: That's right, girl. Them boys are gonna be all over ya.
Mona: I can't wait to see Vlad's reaction.
Winterson: I hope he likes it.
Annie: Well, I'm ready to go. How 'bout you guys?
Winterson: Same here.
Mona: Let's go.
(Downstairs, Vladimir, Vinnie, and Mike are watching Sports Center on ESPN, while Max is on the phone.)
Max: We need three large pizzas topped like an active volcano with pepperoni and extra cheese, and one with Italian sausage spicy like the fires of hell itself, and one with pineapples that take the eater away on his own private Hawaiian vacation...
(Meanwhile, the women are making their way downstairs.)
Mona: Hey Vlad.
Vladimir: (still watching TV) Yes?
Mona: Vlad, you might wanna see this.
Vladimir: (eyes still glued to the TV) In a second, Mona. I'm watching.
Winterson: (in a more sexy voice) Oh Vlad...
(Vladimir finally turns and sees Winterson. He literally does a double take.)
Vladimir: Wow! Is that you, Winterson? You look great!
Winterson: (smiling) Thanks. Mona did me up.
Vladimir: Wow. Great job, Mona. Doesn't Winterson look good guys?
Vinnie: She sure did. I swear, Winterson, if you weren't with Vlad...
Vladimir: Easy there, Vinnie.
Mike: You're right, Vlad. She look beautiful.
Vladimir: Hey Max! Come in and look at Winterson!
Max: (from kitchen) I'll be there in a minute. I'm on a phone call that could make eternity seem like an instant. (over phone) Thirty minutes?... Okay, great. Thanks.
(Max hangs up the phone and comes in. He promptly catches Winterson, and freezes.)
Max: Winterson? Wow, I don't even have a metaphor to describe this. You look hot enough to make the devil sweat. Oh, heh-heh, I guess I do after all.
Winterson: (blushing) Stop, guys. You're embarrassing me.
Mona: Well, we've gotta go. You guys have fun.
Max: Okay, see you tonight.
Vladimir: Have fun, ladies.
Winterson: Thanks, Vlad. See you tonight.
Mike: Later, Annie.
Annie: A'right. Take it easy, Mike.
Vinnie: See ya later, girls.
Mona: Bye, Vinnie.
(The women leave.)
Vladimir: Wow. Now I almost wish I hadn't asked the other women to take Winterson out tonight. Almost.
Max: Well, I'm sure you'll see plenty more of her tonight.
Vladimir: Let's not think about that right now.
Max: The pizzas will be here in about thirty minutes.
Vladimir: Good.
Vinnie: Hey, Payne, can you grab us some beers?
Max: Sure, hold on.
(Max goes back in the kitchen and grabs several beers, then comes back. He gives a bottle to Vladimir, Vinnie, and Mike, and keeps one for himself. He then sits on the couch between Vladimir and Vinnie, with Mike sitting in the chair next to it.)
Max: By the way, Vinnie, don't make any plans for tomorrow night. There's a bit of a surprise for you.
Vinnie: (suspicious) What are you up to, Payne?
Max: Just... a surprise... for you. Don't worry, it's not bad. In fact, I really think you'll like it. You'll see it tomorrow night. So don't make any plans, okay?
Vinnie: Ahh, yeah, okay Payne.
(Prizzi's Club, Upper West Side, about an hour later)
(We see Mona, Annie, and Winterson entering the club. They promptly sit at a small table fairly close to the bar. There is a small dance floor in the center, with many people dancing and many others seated watching, drinking, and chatting.)
Mona: (loud enough to be heard over the music) Hey Annie, can you get the drinks tonight?
Annie: Yeah, a'right. What do yaw want?
Mona: Get me a Fuzzy Navel, would ya?
Annie: Sure. Winterson?
Winterson: Just coffee for me, thanks.
Annie: You sure?
Winterson: Yes, I'm sure.
Annie: Okay, be right back.
(Annie goes over to the bar and orders the drinks. Meanwhile, Mona chats with Winterson.)
Mona: You're not drinking tonight, Winterson?
Winterson: No. I, uh, I have a little stomach ache.
Mona: Oh... okay.
Winterson: (confessional) Okay, I lied. I didn't have a stomach ache. But drinking might screw up my little plan for me and Vlad. (smiles a bit)
(Annie returns with the drinks. Annie is drinking a Long Island Iced Tea.)
Mona: Thanks, Annie.
Annie: Winterson, you sure you don't want anything besides coffee?
Winterson: Yes, I'm sure.
Mona: She's got a little stomach ache.
Annie: Oh, a'right.
Mona: So, Winterson, things going okay between you and Vlad?
Winterson: Yep. Couldn't be better.
Annie: I can see why you're attracted to him. He's a pretty smooth operator.
Mona: Yes, he is. Like a shot of really good bourbon.
Annie: Oh gosh, Mona, you been hangin' out with Max too long!
Mona: (chuckles) Oh... I guess I have, haven't I?
Winterson: You guys are right, though. He is smooth, and sexy. And he's all mine.
Mona: Hey Winterson, can I give you a little more constructive criticism?
Winterson: About what?
Mona: You might wanna let Vlad have a little space. I mean, it's cool that you guys are hot 'n' heavy, but if you don't give him a little space, it could ruin the spark.
Winterson: What? Did Vlad say something to you guys?
Mona: Uhhh... no. I've just noticed that you seem a little... demanding.
Winterson: Well, okay. Maybe I am a little. But I love him so much. Can you blame me?
Annie: No, of course not. But Mona's right. If you let Vlad have his own life, it'll make your time with him sweeter. You should think about that.
Winterson: Well... okay. I guess you guys are right.
Winterson: (confessional) I guess I could lighten up with Vlad. What do I have to be afraid of, anyway? After what I have planned, Vlad's not going anywhere.
(A couple of guys come up to the three women, both dressed in pin-striped suits, one wearing shades and a hat. It's the Finito brothers, from MP1.)
Joey Finito: Hey, ladies. Mind if we join yas?
Mona: Uhh, that's okay. We're fine.
Virgilio Finito: Then how 'bout we buy you girls drinks?
Annie: I really don't think so, guys.
Joey: All right, fine. Let's go, bruttah.
Virgilio: Yeah, their loss, Joey.
Mona: (After they're out of earshot) God, what a couple of creeps.
Winterson: Yeah. Kinda sleazy looking.
Annie: I don't know. They coulda turned out to be okay, but of course we got guys at home.
Mona: Right.
(Meanwhile, at the house, the guys are watching TV. Their pants are all loosened. We see dozens of empty beer bottles on the coffee table or scattered around the floor. The guys are all drunk.)
Max: Heyyy, BJ and the Bear'sh coming on. I used to love thishh show.
Mike: Yeahhh, I see it once in Rrrussia. Gooood show.
Vladimir: I neverrr shhhhaww it, and I got the shame channelsh you did.
Max: Wellll, whatt're we waitin' for, a terrrtle to shend ush an invitashhin shpecial delivery? Let'shh watch.
Vinnie: Uhhh, heyyy, Payne. I kinda w-w-wanna watch Captain Bash... Baysh... Bayshball Bat Boy, if ya don't mind.
Max: Not according to our mothershh, we don't.
(Vladimir and Mike bust out laughing. Vinnie is pissed.)
Vinnie: Payne, I'm ooonly gonna shay thish once. Change the channel, or get yer assh kicked by me.
Vladimir and Mike: Ooooooo...
Max: I'd like to shhee you try, punk.
Vinnie: Ooooo, it'sh on, b(bleep)ch. I'm gonna shhhove that remote up yer ash.
(Vinnie tries to jump up, but trips on his own two feet and falls to the floor. He passes out.)
Max: I win. And I didn't eeeven have to lay a f-f-f-finger on him.
Vladimir: Couldn't hold hish licker if it had a handle.
Mike: (laughing) Vinnie passss out.
(The women soon arrive home. Winterson is carrying a small "Rite-Aid" drugstore bag.)
Mona: Hey guys, how's it going?
Max: Mmmona! Wwwwhat's up, baby?
Mona: Uhh, not much, Max. (sees Vinnie still passed out on the floor) What happened to Vinnie?
Max: I beat his ash without even layin' a ffffinger on him. Like a Jedi Mashterbater. (laughs)
Mona: Oh god, Max. You are so drunk, it ain't even funny.
Winterson: God, they're all drunk, Mona.
Annie: Mike! I'm surprised at you!
Mike: Heyyy, Annie. Let'sh giddyup on outer here and up the stairsh for shum down home lovin'.
Annie: (sighs) Come on, Mike. Let's get you up to bed. You need to sleep it off.
(Annie helps Mike up the stairs to their room.)
Vladimir: Heyyy, Maxxx. We'd better help Vinnie up to the rrroom too.
Max: Shhhhure, Vlad. BJ and the Bearrr ain't goin' nowhere. Heyyy, I can rrrhyme!
(Vladimir and Max stagger over to pick up Vinnie. Despite their own drunken states, they manage to get him up off the floor and up the stairs.)
Mona: Well, I'd better go up with them and make sure they don't pass out on the way. You coming, Winterson?
Winterson: I'll come up and check on Vlad in a minute. I need to use the restroom.
Mona: Okay, see ya.
(Mona goes up. As soon as she's out of sight, Winterson takes the small bag with her into the bathroom. She closes the door and locks it. She then takes out an "Easy Step" home pregnancy test. The camera then wipes to her looking at the test kit thirty minutes later. There is a plus sign, which means she is pregnant!)
Winterson: (smiling to herself) Good.
MTV Announcer: Winterson pregnant, and happy about it? Is Vlad the father? Could this be her big plan? Find out, in our next episode of The Real World: New York.
Okay, I hope this isn't too long, but as usual, please R&R.