Disclaimers: Don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do.
This stuff is fiction, not fact.
And now, episode VIII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Vladimir: picked to live in a house...
Winterson: and have their lives taped.
Vinnie: Find out what happens...
Mike: when people stop being polite...
Annie: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
(The house, morning)
(We see Vladimir in the kitchen – it is apparently his turn to make breakfast for the gang. Mona soon shows up.)
Vladimir: Good morning, Mona.
Mona: Hey Vlad. You cooking breakfast this morning?
Vladimir: Yes, I am. Borscht omelet?
Mona: Oh, uhh, sure. I guess.
(Vladimir serves Mona the omelet that he is cooking at the moment, and then starts another one. Winterson soon shows up.)
Winterson: Oh, hey Vlad. Cooking breakfast for us, huh?
Vladimir: Yes. I should have an omelet ready for you in just two minutes.
Winterson: Mmm, I love a man that can cook.
Vladimir: Well, I try to be well-rounded for the ladies.
(Mike and Annie show up. Mike smells the cooking.)
Mike: Hey, is that borscht omelet I smell? I haven't had one since I leave Russia.
Vladimir: I should have more for you guys shortly.
Annie: Want me to help, Vladimir?
Vladimir: Sure, Annie. Can you get another omelet started?
Annie: Sure, no problem.
Winterson: Where's Max, and Vinnie?
Annie: Vinnie's still getting dressed.
Mona: So is Max.
(Meanwhile, up in Vinnie, Annie, and Mike's room...)
(Vinnie is still getting dressed. He is putting on one of his many Captain Baseball Bat Boy t-shirts, and a pair of designer jeans. Soon there is a knock at the door.)
Vinnie: Hold your horses. I'm comin' out. Just gimme a second.
Max: (from outside) Vinnie? It's Max. Can I come in a second?
Vinnie: Ahh, yeah, I guess.
(Max opens the door and enters.)
Max: Hey there, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Hey, Payne.
Max: Look, Vinnie. I really am sorry I didn't tell you about Violet last night. I guess I didn't figure you'd find out. At least not so soon. And I guess I also figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. But unlike the cartoon moment where gravity waits for the coyote to realize his mistake before the plunge, I didn't realize that I was wrong until I saw you so hurt.
Vinnie: Look, Payne... it's okay. You're heart was in the right place. I guess you really were trying to help. Just... don't worry about it.
Max: Thanks, Vinnie.
Vinnie: No problem, Payne.
(The two shake hands, then head downstairs for breakfast.)
Vladimir: Max! Vinnie! You guys are here. Did you two make up?
Vinnie: Yeah, Vlad. I guess we did.
Max: Vinnie took me back as a friend like the prodigal son.
Vinnie: Uhhh, yeah, what he said.
Vladimir: That's great. Have a borscht omelet, you guys.
Vinnie: Borscht? What the hell's borscht?
Vladimir: It's from Russia. It's very good.
Mike: He's right. Very good. I love it.
Max: Sure, why not? I'm as open-minded as a revolving door.
(Vladimir & Winterson's room, later that afternoon)
(We see Winterson, up in the room all by herself, watching out the window. She soon sees an old beaten-up pickup truck pull into the nearby parking garage.)
Winterson: (smiling) It's showtime.
(Winterson goes to the bedroom doorway and sticks her head out to call downstairs.)
Winterson: Vlad! Can you come up here, please?
(We hear footsteps. Soon Vladimir arrives.)
Vladimir: What is it, baby?
Winterson: Come in. And close the door.
(Vladimir does so.)
Vladimir: What's up, Winterson?
Winterson: (pretending to be solemn) Vlad, you know that I went to see the doctor yesterday, right?
Vladimir: Right. For your stomach ache.
Winterson: Well...
(Winterson lifts up her blouse and shows her bare tummy. It is getting a bit thick. We see shock in Vlad's face.)
Vladimir: What!? How!?
Winterson: It probably happened the night Mike came back, when we did it after coming home from the cowboy bar.
Vladimir: No, it can't be. I wore a condom. You gave me the condom.
Winterson: (grins a bit) Yes, I know.
Vladimir: (confessional) Really, I wore a condom. That kid can't be mine.
MTV Director: Actually, it can. Here's what happened.
(We see hidden camera footage of Winterson entering the bedroom alone. She takes out a condom from her purse and unwraps it. She pulls out the tip a bit. She then takes out a Swiss army knife and unfolds the small pair of scissors. She uses them to cut a small hole in the tip of the condom. The hidden camera then cuts to her and Vladimir in the bedroom. They are still fully clothed, but about to get intimate. Winterson hands Vladimir the condom.)
Vladimir: (confessional, doing his best to restrain his growing anger) Ohhhhh, that's just low. That is the lowest thing I've ever seen.
(Back to the bedroom)
Vladimir: Winterson! How could you? You made me get you pregnant. Why?
Winterson: Vlad, I just wanted us to be together. What better way is there than to have a baby together?
Vladimir: You could have bothered to check with me first. Of course, you could have bothered to check with me before deciding to room with me in the first place.
Winterson: Well, be that as it may, Vlad, you're going to be this kid's daddy. And that's all there is to it.
Vladimir: Oh, Winterson. I just remembered... I have to, uh... tell Max something.
(Vladimir slips out of the bedroom, then bolts downstairs for the door. Winterson sees him, but takes her time following him, as if she knows something he doesn't.)
(Meanwhile, downstairs, Vladimir is still making his way toward the door. The rest of the gang notices.)
Max: Vlad, what's going on?
Winterson: (from upstairs) Vlad, you can run, but you won't get far...
(Vladimir ignores both of them and quickly opens the door, only to find two people standing in the doorway, blocking him. They are an older couple, clearly from out in the B.F.E. The man is wearing overalls and a hunter's cap, and is carrying a triple-X jug and a double-barrel shotgun. The woman is wearing a plain white dress and is clutching a Bible.)
Old Man: Where do you think yer goin', boy?
(Winterson struts down the stairs into the living room, looking smug.)
Winterson: Vlad, I see you've met my parents. Mom, Dad, this is Vladimir Lem. Vlad, these are my parents, Cooter and Mildred Winterson.
Vladimir: (trying to look innocent) Heh-heh-heh. Pleased to meet you.
Old Woman (Mildred): You got our daughter pregnant.
Mona: What!? Winterson, what the hell's going on here?
Winterson: Oh yeah, I got pregnant by Vlad the night Mike came back. That's the real reason I went to the doctor yesterday.
Annie: What? You're pregnant?
Vinnie: Geez.
Vladimir: She's pregnant because she cut a hole in the condom. She got herself pregnant to keep me with her.
Old Man (Cooter): (stroking his shotgun) You callin' our little girl a liar, son?
Vladimir: No. No sir.
Max: So, what happens now?
Mildred: Well, Vlad here's gonna make this all right.
Vladimir: How?
(Cooter cocks the hammer on his shotgun. We then see the house, thirty minutes later. There is a preacher standing in the middle of the living room. Vladimir is dressed in his trademark white linen suit, with Winterson standing at his side, dressed in her pant-suit, but wearing a white wedding veil and holding a bouquet of flowers. Cooter and Mildred are standing behind the two, Cooter occasionally taking a swig from his jug and keeping his shotgun pointed at Vladimir. The rest of the gang is standing around watching the ceremony.)
Preacher: Friends, family members, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Valerie Anne Winterson and Vladimir Ilych Lem, in the bonds of holy wedlock. If there is anyone here who feels that these two should not be married, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.
Mona: Winterson, I don't think this is such a...
Mildred: Zip it, little girl!
Mona: (looking at the floor) Yes ma'am.
Preacher: Do you, Valerie Winterson, take this man, Vladimir Lem, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Winterson: I do.
Preacher: And do you, Vladimir Lem, take this woman, Valerie Winterson, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
(Vladimir looks around, as if contemplating an escape route, but those thoughts are stifled by the cocking of a shotgun.)
Cooter: Don't you try any funny business, Russkie boy. This shotgun's loaded, and so am I.
Vladimir: Yes, I mean, uh... I do.
Preacher: Then by the power vested in me by the Lord our God, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
(Vladimir looks around nervously, then lifts up Winterson's veil and kisses her. The others force themselves to clap. Winterson then throws her bouquet into the crowd. Mona catches it. She doesn't quite know what to make of this. The others clap.)
Winterson: Well, time for the honeymoon.
Vladimir: So, ahh, honey. Where are we going?
Winterson: To a cabin by my parents' house.
Cooter: And don't you try to run, cause we're gonna be watching from outside.
Vladimir: Watching?
Mildred: Come on, Cooter. Them two kids can take one o' them limo-zine's. We can follow 'em in the truck.
Cooter: Let's go, honey.
Vladimir: Max? Mona? Anybody? Do something?
Max: Sorry, Vlad. Wish I could help, but you're a deer and Cooter and Mildred are the headlights.
(The gang follows Vladimir and Winterson, and Cooter and Mildred, outside. They watch as Vladimir and Winterson get into one of the limos parked outside. Winterson waves goodbye to the group, and Vladimir nervously does the same. The limo then drives away, followed by Cooter and Mildred in the old pick-up that we saw pull into the parking garage.)
Vinnie: Well that was a nice wedding, in a f(bleep)king terrible, sick, not- at-all nice way.
Annie: Ahh, man. Vladimir and Winterson are gone. This sucks.
Mona: Yeah, Winterson and I were really starting to bond.
Mike: I miss Vlad already. He was like brother to me.
Max: Well, you know what they say. Everything can change in a New York minute. But the show must go on. I'm sure the network will find us some new housemates, and everything will get back to normal.
Mona: I guess you're right. Still, I'm gonna miss Vlad. I hope Winterson's parents aren't too rough on him.
Vinnie: Uh oh, it's getting dark. I'd better call the restaurant before Angelo goes home.
Max: Who's Angelo?
Vinnie: He's the guy who owns Casa di Angelo, the restaurant I went to with Violet. He also owns Angelo's Jazz Club.
Mona: Okay, so why do you need to call the restaurant.
Vinnie: Well, when I was there last night, I saw this cute waitress there. Named A.J. I'm gonna ask Angelo about her. Y'know... see if she's available and what not.
Annie: Heyy, all right. Good for you, Vinnie.
Max: There now, see, last night wasn't a total loss now, was it?
Vinnie: Naw, Payne, I guess not.
Mike: Good luck, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Thanks, Mike.
(Vinnie goes back in the house.)
Max: So, Address Unknown, everyone?
Mona: Sure, let's watch.
(The rest of the group goes back in the house, sits around the living room, and turns on the TV, where "Address Unknown" is playing.)
MTV Announcer: Who's going to replace Vlad and Winterson? And will Vinnie get a date with A.J.? Find out this and more, on our next episode of The Real World...
Do you have any ideas about who should replace Vladimir and Winterson? You can either e-mail me with them, or include them in your R&R's. Thanks. Any input will be much appreciated (
This stuff is fiction, not fact.
And now, episode VIII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Vladimir: picked to live in a house...
Winterson: and have their lives taped.
Vinnie: Find out what happens...
Mike: when people stop being polite...
Annie: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
(The house, morning)
(We see Vladimir in the kitchen – it is apparently his turn to make breakfast for the gang. Mona soon shows up.)
Vladimir: Good morning, Mona.
Mona: Hey Vlad. You cooking breakfast this morning?
Vladimir: Yes, I am. Borscht omelet?
Mona: Oh, uhh, sure. I guess.
(Vladimir serves Mona the omelet that he is cooking at the moment, and then starts another one. Winterson soon shows up.)
Winterson: Oh, hey Vlad. Cooking breakfast for us, huh?
Vladimir: Yes. I should have an omelet ready for you in just two minutes.
Winterson: Mmm, I love a man that can cook.
Vladimir: Well, I try to be well-rounded for the ladies.
(Mike and Annie show up. Mike smells the cooking.)
Mike: Hey, is that borscht omelet I smell? I haven't had one since I leave Russia.
Vladimir: I should have more for you guys shortly.
Annie: Want me to help, Vladimir?
Vladimir: Sure, Annie. Can you get another omelet started?
Annie: Sure, no problem.
Winterson: Where's Max, and Vinnie?
Annie: Vinnie's still getting dressed.
Mona: So is Max.
(Meanwhile, up in Vinnie, Annie, and Mike's room...)
(Vinnie is still getting dressed. He is putting on one of his many Captain Baseball Bat Boy t-shirts, and a pair of designer jeans. Soon there is a knock at the door.)
Vinnie: Hold your horses. I'm comin' out. Just gimme a second.
Max: (from outside) Vinnie? It's Max. Can I come in a second?
Vinnie: Ahh, yeah, I guess.
(Max opens the door and enters.)
Max: Hey there, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Hey, Payne.
Max: Look, Vinnie. I really am sorry I didn't tell you about Violet last night. I guess I didn't figure you'd find out. At least not so soon. And I guess I also figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. But unlike the cartoon moment where gravity waits for the coyote to realize his mistake before the plunge, I didn't realize that I was wrong until I saw you so hurt.
Vinnie: Look, Payne... it's okay. You're heart was in the right place. I guess you really were trying to help. Just... don't worry about it.
Max: Thanks, Vinnie.
Vinnie: No problem, Payne.
(The two shake hands, then head downstairs for breakfast.)
Vladimir: Max! Vinnie! You guys are here. Did you two make up?
Vinnie: Yeah, Vlad. I guess we did.
Max: Vinnie took me back as a friend like the prodigal son.
Vinnie: Uhhh, yeah, what he said.
Vladimir: That's great. Have a borscht omelet, you guys.
Vinnie: Borscht? What the hell's borscht?
Vladimir: It's from Russia. It's very good.
Mike: He's right. Very good. I love it.
Max: Sure, why not? I'm as open-minded as a revolving door.
(Vladimir & Winterson's room, later that afternoon)
(We see Winterson, up in the room all by herself, watching out the window. She soon sees an old beaten-up pickup truck pull into the nearby parking garage.)
Winterson: (smiling) It's showtime.
(Winterson goes to the bedroom doorway and sticks her head out to call downstairs.)
Winterson: Vlad! Can you come up here, please?
(We hear footsteps. Soon Vladimir arrives.)
Vladimir: What is it, baby?
Winterson: Come in. And close the door.
(Vladimir does so.)
Vladimir: What's up, Winterson?
Winterson: (pretending to be solemn) Vlad, you know that I went to see the doctor yesterday, right?
Vladimir: Right. For your stomach ache.
Winterson: Well...
(Winterson lifts up her blouse and shows her bare tummy. It is getting a bit thick. We see shock in Vlad's face.)
Vladimir: What!? How!?
Winterson: It probably happened the night Mike came back, when we did it after coming home from the cowboy bar.
Vladimir: No, it can't be. I wore a condom. You gave me the condom.
Winterson: (grins a bit) Yes, I know.
Vladimir: (confessional) Really, I wore a condom. That kid can't be mine.
MTV Director: Actually, it can. Here's what happened.
(We see hidden camera footage of Winterson entering the bedroom alone. She takes out a condom from her purse and unwraps it. She pulls out the tip a bit. She then takes out a Swiss army knife and unfolds the small pair of scissors. She uses them to cut a small hole in the tip of the condom. The hidden camera then cuts to her and Vladimir in the bedroom. They are still fully clothed, but about to get intimate. Winterson hands Vladimir the condom.)
Vladimir: (confessional, doing his best to restrain his growing anger) Ohhhhh, that's just low. That is the lowest thing I've ever seen.
(Back to the bedroom)
Vladimir: Winterson! How could you? You made me get you pregnant. Why?
Winterson: Vlad, I just wanted us to be together. What better way is there than to have a baby together?
Vladimir: You could have bothered to check with me first. Of course, you could have bothered to check with me before deciding to room with me in the first place.
Winterson: Well, be that as it may, Vlad, you're going to be this kid's daddy. And that's all there is to it.
Vladimir: Oh, Winterson. I just remembered... I have to, uh... tell Max something.
(Vladimir slips out of the bedroom, then bolts downstairs for the door. Winterson sees him, but takes her time following him, as if she knows something he doesn't.)
(Meanwhile, downstairs, Vladimir is still making his way toward the door. The rest of the gang notices.)
Max: Vlad, what's going on?
Winterson: (from upstairs) Vlad, you can run, but you won't get far...
(Vladimir ignores both of them and quickly opens the door, only to find two people standing in the doorway, blocking him. They are an older couple, clearly from out in the B.F.E. The man is wearing overalls and a hunter's cap, and is carrying a triple-X jug and a double-barrel shotgun. The woman is wearing a plain white dress and is clutching a Bible.)
Old Man: Where do you think yer goin', boy?
(Winterson struts down the stairs into the living room, looking smug.)
Winterson: Vlad, I see you've met my parents. Mom, Dad, this is Vladimir Lem. Vlad, these are my parents, Cooter and Mildred Winterson.
Vladimir: (trying to look innocent) Heh-heh-heh. Pleased to meet you.
Old Woman (Mildred): You got our daughter pregnant.
Mona: What!? Winterson, what the hell's going on here?
Winterson: Oh yeah, I got pregnant by Vlad the night Mike came back. That's the real reason I went to the doctor yesterday.
Annie: What? You're pregnant?
Vinnie: Geez.
Vladimir: She's pregnant because she cut a hole in the condom. She got herself pregnant to keep me with her.
Old Man (Cooter): (stroking his shotgun) You callin' our little girl a liar, son?
Vladimir: No. No sir.
Max: So, what happens now?
Mildred: Well, Vlad here's gonna make this all right.
Vladimir: How?
(Cooter cocks the hammer on his shotgun. We then see the house, thirty minutes later. There is a preacher standing in the middle of the living room. Vladimir is dressed in his trademark white linen suit, with Winterson standing at his side, dressed in her pant-suit, but wearing a white wedding veil and holding a bouquet of flowers. Cooter and Mildred are standing behind the two, Cooter occasionally taking a swig from his jug and keeping his shotgun pointed at Vladimir. The rest of the gang is standing around watching the ceremony.)
Preacher: Friends, family members, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Valerie Anne Winterson and Vladimir Ilych Lem, in the bonds of holy wedlock. If there is anyone here who feels that these two should not be married, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.
Mona: Winterson, I don't think this is such a...
Mildred: Zip it, little girl!
Mona: (looking at the floor) Yes ma'am.
Preacher: Do you, Valerie Winterson, take this man, Vladimir Lem, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Winterson: I do.
Preacher: And do you, Vladimir Lem, take this woman, Valerie Winterson, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
(Vladimir looks around, as if contemplating an escape route, but those thoughts are stifled by the cocking of a shotgun.)
Cooter: Don't you try any funny business, Russkie boy. This shotgun's loaded, and so am I.
Vladimir: Yes, I mean, uh... I do.
Preacher: Then by the power vested in me by the Lord our God, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
(Vladimir looks around nervously, then lifts up Winterson's veil and kisses her. The others force themselves to clap. Winterson then throws her bouquet into the crowd. Mona catches it. She doesn't quite know what to make of this. The others clap.)
Winterson: Well, time for the honeymoon.
Vladimir: So, ahh, honey. Where are we going?
Winterson: To a cabin by my parents' house.
Cooter: And don't you try to run, cause we're gonna be watching from outside.
Vladimir: Watching?
Mildred: Come on, Cooter. Them two kids can take one o' them limo-zine's. We can follow 'em in the truck.
Cooter: Let's go, honey.
Vladimir: Max? Mona? Anybody? Do something?
Max: Sorry, Vlad. Wish I could help, but you're a deer and Cooter and Mildred are the headlights.
(The gang follows Vladimir and Winterson, and Cooter and Mildred, outside. They watch as Vladimir and Winterson get into one of the limos parked outside. Winterson waves goodbye to the group, and Vladimir nervously does the same. The limo then drives away, followed by Cooter and Mildred in the old pick-up that we saw pull into the parking garage.)
Vinnie: Well that was a nice wedding, in a f(bleep)king terrible, sick, not- at-all nice way.
Annie: Ahh, man. Vladimir and Winterson are gone. This sucks.
Mona: Yeah, Winterson and I were really starting to bond.
Mike: I miss Vlad already. He was like brother to me.
Max: Well, you know what they say. Everything can change in a New York minute. But the show must go on. I'm sure the network will find us some new housemates, and everything will get back to normal.
Mona: I guess you're right. Still, I'm gonna miss Vlad. I hope Winterson's parents aren't too rough on him.
Vinnie: Uh oh, it's getting dark. I'd better call the restaurant before Angelo goes home.
Max: Who's Angelo?
Vinnie: He's the guy who owns Casa di Angelo, the restaurant I went to with Violet. He also owns Angelo's Jazz Club.
Mona: Okay, so why do you need to call the restaurant.
Vinnie: Well, when I was there last night, I saw this cute waitress there. Named A.J. I'm gonna ask Angelo about her. Y'know... see if she's available and what not.
Annie: Heyy, all right. Good for you, Vinnie.
Max: There now, see, last night wasn't a total loss now, was it?
Vinnie: Naw, Payne, I guess not.
Mike: Good luck, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Thanks, Mike.
(Vinnie goes back in the house.)
Max: So, Address Unknown, everyone?
Mona: Sure, let's watch.
(The rest of the group goes back in the house, sits around the living room, and turns on the TV, where "Address Unknown" is playing.)
MTV Announcer: Who's going to replace Vlad and Winterson? And will Vinnie get a date with A.J.? Find out this and more, on our next episode of The Real World...
Do you have any ideas about who should replace Vladimir and Winterson? You can either e-mail me with them, or include them in your R&R's. Thanks. Any input will be much appreciated (