Disclaimers: As usual, don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do. Oh, and
FOX owns American Idol and all those involved with it.
This is all make-believe, not real.
Without further adieu, allow me to present episode XII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
(We hear the party still going on in the background)
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of... 200 strangers (giggles)...
MTV Director: Knock it off, Mona.
Mona: (sighs) Sorry. Of seven strangers...
Annie: picked to live in a house...
Mike: and have their lives taped.
Vinnie: Find out what happens...
Lisa: when people stop being polite...
Kaufman: and start being real...
All: The Real World: New York
(The house, Manhattan, evening)
(We see the party continuing, just as we'd left it. Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places" is currently playing on the stereo – one of Mike's CDs. Some of the guests, including Mike and Annie, are two-stepping to it, and some are watching, either laughing or frowning. Vlad and Winterson are dancing as much as Winterson's pregnancy will let them, Max and Mona are watching. Lisa and Kaufman are mingling, and Vinnie is still out, on his way to the house with A.J. Alex is chatting with a few of the people from the "cop" group.)
Max: So Mona, what CD should we put on next? Any ideas?
Mona: How about that 80s CD you got?
Max: Yeah, that'll work. (to Alex) Yo, Alex!
Alex: (from the other side of the room) What's up, Max?
Max: Pop this in the CD player when this song's over, will ya? (tosses the CD to him)
Alex: Sure Max, no problem.
(We hear a knock at the door)
Max: I'll get it.
(Max opens the door to reveal... Jim Bravura.)
Max: Bravura? Wow, didn't think you'd show up. This is like your dog suddenly speaking French.
Bravura: You invited me, Payne.
Max: Well... yeah. Come on in.
(Bravura follows Max in. He is a bit taken aback at the noise, and at the amount of people in attendance.)
Bravura: What is this? I thought this was just gonna be a little get together.
Max: It is.
Bravura: But look, all these people getting drunk, dancing, rubbing up against each other, dry-humping... this is unacceptable.
Max: Oh, lighten up, Jim. Have a beer.
Bravura: Payne, you know I quit drinking.
Max: Okay then, have a soda. And here, I'll introduce you to some of my friends.
(Max gets Bravura a soda, then takes him around to meet some of the gang, among others.)
(Meanwhile, in the limo...)
(We see Vinnie and A.J., riding in the back, still on their way to the party. They are chatting.)
Vinnie: So A.J., what do ya like to do when you're not working at the restaurant?
A.J.: Well, I'm studying to be a graphic web designer, and in my spare time, I make web pages.
Vinnie: Really? What kind of web pages?
A.J.: Various kinds. I made one recently showcasing various collectibles. It came out pretty good.
Vinnie: Oh. That's pretty sweet.
A.J.: You never did tell me, what do you do?
Vinnie: Ahh, I sell used cars... for a living. But in my spare time, I collect Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff.
A.J.: Really? I love that stuff.
Vinnie: No kiddin'! Well, I'm gonna eventually sell my stuff online and make a fortune. Say... maybe you could make a website showcasing my collection.
A.J.: Sure. That'd be okay.
(By now the limo is pulling up beside the house.)
Vinnie: We're here.
(The limo driver parks the car, then gets out and holds open the rear door. A.J. gets out first, followed by Vinnie. As the limo driver shuts the door, Vinnie walks with A.J. up to the front door and opens it for her. The two enter.)
Vinnie: I'm back, guys.
Max: Hey, Vinnie!
(The gang goes over to see him and A.J., as well as Angelo and some of the "wiseguys." Vladimir and Winterson also go over.)
Mona: So, this must be A.J.
Vinnie: Yeah, it is. A.J., meet Mona, Max Payne, Mike, Annie, Kaufman, Vladimir, and Winterson. You may or may not know Lisa here. She's Mona's twin sister, and Angelo's wife.
A.J.: Oh yeah, I've heard Angelo talk about you. Well, nice to meet all of you.
Vinnie: Whaddya want to drink, A.J.? We got beer, wine, sodas, you name it.
A.J.: I think I'll have a beer.
Vinnie: Okay. I'll go get it for ya. Don't let her get bored, guys.
Fats: Sure, Vinnie.
(Vinnie leaves to go get drinks for himself and A.J. Meanwhile, the others talk to A.J.)
Max: So A.J., you work at Casa di Angelo, huh?
A.J.: Uh huh. I guess Vinnie told you.
Max: Right. To paraphrase, he met you there like moss meets a stone.
A.J.: Uhhh... okay.
Mike: What else do you do?
A.J.: I'm a graphic web designer. Eventually I'm gonna do that full time.
Annie: Hey, that's pretty trippin'.
(Vinnie comes back with two beers. He promptly gives one to A.J.)
A.J.: Thank you, Vinnie.
Vinnie: My pleasure, A.J.
(Later...)
(We see everyone dancing in the living room. The Human League's "Don't You Want Me" is currently playing, and everyone is loving it. We then see Vinnie and A.J. dancing together.)
Vinnie: So A.J., ya havin' a good time?
A.J.: (smiling a bit nervously) Uhh, it's okay.
Vinnie: What's the matter?
A.J.: Uhh, nothing.
Vinnie: Ya wanna go someplace a little quieter?
A.J.: Yeah, okay.
(Vinnie leads A.J. upstairs. They try first to go into his, Annie, and Mike's room, but the door is closed, and locked. Vinnie is a bit taken aback by this, so he knocks.)
Guy's voice: (from behind door) Go away!
Vinnie: Hey, moron! This is my room!
Girl's voice: Ahh, c'mon! Just give us five minutes!
Vinnie: (sighing) All right. (to A.J.) C'mon, let's go into Payne and Kaufman's room.
(Max and Kaufman's room is open, so Vinnie and A.J. go in. They close the door, but do not lock it. They both sit together on Max's bed.)
Vinnie: So what's the matter? You not havin' fun here?
A.J.: Oh, it's okay. And your friends seem nice. It just seems a bit much... for a first date. I mean, I kinda pictured something a little quieter.
Vinnie: Okay, we can leave. We can go someplace quieter. Or we could just... sit here and talk. I'll lock the door so no one will bother us.
A.J.: No no no! I mean, uh, that's okay. Let's just leave it closed. It'll be fine.
Vinnie: Oh... okay.
(Vinnie notices that there is a laptop computer on Max's nightstand.)
Vinnie: Heyy, Payne has a laptop. I wonder if it has net access. Maybe you could show me some of your websites you designed. I don't think Payne'll mind.
A.J.: Okay, sure.
(Vinnie opens up the laptop and boots it up. He then opens up Internet Explorer, but a login window pops up.)
Vinnie: I shoulda known.
A.J.: Won't Max log you in?
Vinnie: I dunno. I'll ask him.
(Vinnie disappears downstairs, and comes back up a few minutes later with Max. Max goes to his laptop and logs in.)
Vinnie: Thanks Payne. We won't be on long.
Max: That's okay. Just no porn, capiche? I need that on my computer about as much as a desert iguana needs a sauna.
Vinnie: First of all, Payne, never say "capiche" again, cause it hurts people's ears when you do it. Second of all, don't insult my intelligence. I got A.J. here.
Max: Okay. Sorry, Vinnie. Didn't mean anything by it.
(Max leaves, and Vinnie closes the door behind him.)
Vinnie: Sorry about that A.J. He's not the most tactful of guys. But he's okay otherwise.
A.J.: It's okay, Vinnie.
Vinnie: So, let's see that stuff.
(A.J. takes the laptop and types in various URLs. The two sit looking at her stuff. Vinnie is quite impressed.)
Vinnie: Heyy, this is some good stuff y'got here. I liked that graphic novel site especially... that Sadie's somethin' else.
A.J.: (smiling) Thanks, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna hit you up to help set up my site showcasing my stuff. I'd show it to ya now, but those two clowns decided to take up residence in my room... probably on my bed too. Sheesh!
A.J.: It's okay. You can show me some other time.
Vinnie: Some other time, eh?
A.J.: Uh-huh.
Vinnie: (confessional) Hey, she said "some other time." That means she'll be open to a second date. I'm tellin' ya, things are starting to come together quite nicely.
Vinnie: Well, we probably better log off. I did promise Payne that we wouldn't be on long.
A.J.: Okay.
(A.J. logs off and turns off the laptop. Vinnie takes it and puts it back on Max's nightstand. As he turns around, he notices a black rectangular object sticking out from in between Kaufman's mattresses.)
Vinnie: Hey, what's that?
A.J.: What's what?
Vinnie: There's something stickin' outta Kaufman's mattress.
(A.J. looks and notices it.)
A.J.: Hey, so there is.
(Vinnie pulls out the object. It is a videotape. The label says "Kaufman: A.I.")
Vinnie: (reading) "Kaufman: A.I." What could that be? Let's watch it.
A.J.: Okay.
(Vinnie pops the tape into a small TV/VCR that happens to be on Kaufman's nightstand. He rewinds it, and then plays the tape.)
Voice on tape (Ryan Seacrest): Welcome back to American Idol. Our next contestant is a cleaner by day and a cover singer by night. So let's all give it up for... Kaufman.
(We see on the TV the stage lights come on to reveal Kaufman. He begins to sing Irene Cara's "What a Feeling.")
Kaufman: (on TV, singing) First when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream that your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind. All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride in a world made of steel, made of stone.
well I hear the music close my eyes feel the rhythm wrap around take a hold of my heart
What a feeling. Bein's believin'. I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life.
Take your passion and make it happen. Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life.
(We see Kaufman dancing and twirling around while singing. Vinnie and A.J. are laughing their asses off at the sight.)
A.J.: This is Kaufman!? That quiet guy!?
Vinnie: I never woulda guessed in a million years.
Kaufman: (on TV, still singing) Now I hear the music, close my eyes, I am rhythm. In a flash it takes hold of my heart.
What a feeling. Bein's believin'. I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life.
Take your passion and make it happen. Pictures come alive, now I'm dancing through my life. What a feeling.
(During the bridge part of the song, we see Kaufman, hands in the air, twirling around all over the stage. He continues dancing in place while eyeballing Paula Abdul. We see her blush a bit.)
Kaufman: (still singing on TV) What a feeling I AM MUSIC NOW Bein's believin'. I AM RHYTHM NOW Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life. What a feeling. I CAN REALLY HAVE IT ALL What a feeling. PICTURES COME ALIVE WHEN I CALL I can have it all I CAN REALLY HAVE IT ALL Have it all PICTURES COME ALIVE WHEN I CALL CALL CALL CALL CALL WHAT A FEELING I can have it all BEIN'S BELIEVIN Bein's believin' TAKE YOUR PASSION MAKE IT HAPPEN make it happen WHAT A FEELING what a feeling BEIN'S BELIEVIN'
(We see Kaufman finish his song, then exit the stage. Vinnie and A.J. are still laughing their asses off.)
Vinnie: (confessional, laughing) Oh my god! What the f(bleep)k was that? That had to be the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. I'm showin' this to the rest of the crew. They gotta see this!
Ryan Seacrest: (TV) That was Kaufman, performing Irene Cara's "What a Feeling." Now let's hear from the judges...
(We see Kaufman standing on the stage, listening as the judges critique his performance.)
Paula Abdul: (TV) Kaufman, those dance moves that you did were nice... but they just didn't... stand out. You should probably come up with some moves of your own, otherwise you're just gonna look like your imitating someone else. You've got a good voice, though, and it seems you have all the tools to be a good showman.
Kaufman: (TV) Thanks, Paula.
Randy Jackson: (TV) I'm with Paula. If you could just work on those dance moves – liven 'em up a bit – I think you might have a good shot.
Simon Cowell: (TV) You do have a good voice, Kaufman... for scaring away wild animals. If you did away with your dance moves, your voice, your looks... everything about yourself, then maybe you could make it. But I still doubt it.
Kaufman: (TV, under his breath) Assh(bleep)le.
Simon Cowell: (TV) Pardon?
Kaufman: (TV) I said I'll try.
Simon: (TV) Oh, alright.
Ryan Seacrest: (TV) Once again, that was Kaufman. Next up we have...
(The tape ends. Vinnie and A.J. are giggling. Kaufman momentarily enters.)
Kaufman: You guys coming back down?
(Vinnie and A.J. are desperately trying to contain their laughter.)
Vinnie: Sure, in a minute.
Kaufman: What's so funny?
Vinnie: Oh, nothing. Just... don't sing around animals.
(Vinnie and A.J. bust out laughing again. Kaufman then notices the tape rewinding. His eyes nearly triple in size. He leaps over to the TV/VCR and ejects the tape. Sure enough, he sees that it is his "American Idol" tape.)
Kaufman: (shocked) Where did you get this!?
A.J.: Vinnie found it sticking out from under your mattress.
Kaufman: Has anyone else seen this!? Answer me!
Vinnie: Geez, Kaufman, mellow out. Just me and A.J., as far as I know.
Kaufman: Please don't tell anyone about this. Pleeeeeease.
Vinnie: Aw, come on. It was good. (snickers again)
Kaufman: You're laughing.
Vinnie: Oh, I-I-I-I-I'm sorry. It's not funny... (snickers yet again) Well, okay, it's a little funny. I mean, I never woulda pictured you doin' this.
Kaufman: Vinnie, please. I'm begging you.
Vinnie: Well... all right. But I'm gonna look on this as a favor I did for ya, and I'm gonna expect a favor in return.
Kaufman: (returns to his blank expressionless face) Okay.
Vinnie: I'll let ya know when and where you can repay me.
Kaufman: Thank you. (leaves)
Vinnie: C'mon A.J. Let's go hang out downstairs with the gang. That okay?
A.J.: Sure Vinnie.
(Vinnie and A.J. head downstairs.)
MTV Announcer: Coming up... can Vinnie keep Kaufman's secret? Or will he? And what about the guys and the full Monty? Stay tuned for more, on "The Real World..."
Okay, this was getting a bit long, so sorry I couldn't cover the full Monty thing, but I'll cover it next episode (or is that, uncover it? LOL) Anyway, please R&R as usual.
This is all make-believe, not real.
Without further adieu, allow me to present episode XII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
(We hear the party still going on in the background)
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of... 200 strangers (giggles)...
MTV Director: Knock it off, Mona.
Mona: (sighs) Sorry. Of seven strangers...
Annie: picked to live in a house...
Mike: and have their lives taped.
Vinnie: Find out what happens...
Lisa: when people stop being polite...
Kaufman: and start being real...
All: The Real World: New York
(The house, Manhattan, evening)
(We see the party continuing, just as we'd left it. Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places" is currently playing on the stereo – one of Mike's CDs. Some of the guests, including Mike and Annie, are two-stepping to it, and some are watching, either laughing or frowning. Vlad and Winterson are dancing as much as Winterson's pregnancy will let them, Max and Mona are watching. Lisa and Kaufman are mingling, and Vinnie is still out, on his way to the house with A.J. Alex is chatting with a few of the people from the "cop" group.)
Max: So Mona, what CD should we put on next? Any ideas?
Mona: How about that 80s CD you got?
Max: Yeah, that'll work. (to Alex) Yo, Alex!
Alex: (from the other side of the room) What's up, Max?
Max: Pop this in the CD player when this song's over, will ya? (tosses the CD to him)
Alex: Sure Max, no problem.
(We hear a knock at the door)
Max: I'll get it.
(Max opens the door to reveal... Jim Bravura.)
Max: Bravura? Wow, didn't think you'd show up. This is like your dog suddenly speaking French.
Bravura: You invited me, Payne.
Max: Well... yeah. Come on in.
(Bravura follows Max in. He is a bit taken aback at the noise, and at the amount of people in attendance.)
Bravura: What is this? I thought this was just gonna be a little get together.
Max: It is.
Bravura: But look, all these people getting drunk, dancing, rubbing up against each other, dry-humping... this is unacceptable.
Max: Oh, lighten up, Jim. Have a beer.
Bravura: Payne, you know I quit drinking.
Max: Okay then, have a soda. And here, I'll introduce you to some of my friends.
(Max gets Bravura a soda, then takes him around to meet some of the gang, among others.)
(Meanwhile, in the limo...)
(We see Vinnie and A.J., riding in the back, still on their way to the party. They are chatting.)
Vinnie: So A.J., what do ya like to do when you're not working at the restaurant?
A.J.: Well, I'm studying to be a graphic web designer, and in my spare time, I make web pages.
Vinnie: Really? What kind of web pages?
A.J.: Various kinds. I made one recently showcasing various collectibles. It came out pretty good.
Vinnie: Oh. That's pretty sweet.
A.J.: You never did tell me, what do you do?
Vinnie: Ahh, I sell used cars... for a living. But in my spare time, I collect Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff.
A.J.: Really? I love that stuff.
Vinnie: No kiddin'! Well, I'm gonna eventually sell my stuff online and make a fortune. Say... maybe you could make a website showcasing my collection.
A.J.: Sure. That'd be okay.
(By now the limo is pulling up beside the house.)
Vinnie: We're here.
(The limo driver parks the car, then gets out and holds open the rear door. A.J. gets out first, followed by Vinnie. As the limo driver shuts the door, Vinnie walks with A.J. up to the front door and opens it for her. The two enter.)
Vinnie: I'm back, guys.
Max: Hey, Vinnie!
(The gang goes over to see him and A.J., as well as Angelo and some of the "wiseguys." Vladimir and Winterson also go over.)
Mona: So, this must be A.J.
Vinnie: Yeah, it is. A.J., meet Mona, Max Payne, Mike, Annie, Kaufman, Vladimir, and Winterson. You may or may not know Lisa here. She's Mona's twin sister, and Angelo's wife.
A.J.: Oh yeah, I've heard Angelo talk about you. Well, nice to meet all of you.
Vinnie: Whaddya want to drink, A.J.? We got beer, wine, sodas, you name it.
A.J.: I think I'll have a beer.
Vinnie: Okay. I'll go get it for ya. Don't let her get bored, guys.
Fats: Sure, Vinnie.
(Vinnie leaves to go get drinks for himself and A.J. Meanwhile, the others talk to A.J.)
Max: So A.J., you work at Casa di Angelo, huh?
A.J.: Uh huh. I guess Vinnie told you.
Max: Right. To paraphrase, he met you there like moss meets a stone.
A.J.: Uhhh... okay.
Mike: What else do you do?
A.J.: I'm a graphic web designer. Eventually I'm gonna do that full time.
Annie: Hey, that's pretty trippin'.
(Vinnie comes back with two beers. He promptly gives one to A.J.)
A.J.: Thank you, Vinnie.
Vinnie: My pleasure, A.J.
(Later...)
(We see everyone dancing in the living room. The Human League's "Don't You Want Me" is currently playing, and everyone is loving it. We then see Vinnie and A.J. dancing together.)
Vinnie: So A.J., ya havin' a good time?
A.J.: (smiling a bit nervously) Uhh, it's okay.
Vinnie: What's the matter?
A.J.: Uhh, nothing.
Vinnie: Ya wanna go someplace a little quieter?
A.J.: Yeah, okay.
(Vinnie leads A.J. upstairs. They try first to go into his, Annie, and Mike's room, but the door is closed, and locked. Vinnie is a bit taken aback by this, so he knocks.)
Guy's voice: (from behind door) Go away!
Vinnie: Hey, moron! This is my room!
Girl's voice: Ahh, c'mon! Just give us five minutes!
Vinnie: (sighing) All right. (to A.J.) C'mon, let's go into Payne and Kaufman's room.
(Max and Kaufman's room is open, so Vinnie and A.J. go in. They close the door, but do not lock it. They both sit together on Max's bed.)
Vinnie: So what's the matter? You not havin' fun here?
A.J.: Oh, it's okay. And your friends seem nice. It just seems a bit much... for a first date. I mean, I kinda pictured something a little quieter.
Vinnie: Okay, we can leave. We can go someplace quieter. Or we could just... sit here and talk. I'll lock the door so no one will bother us.
A.J.: No no no! I mean, uh, that's okay. Let's just leave it closed. It'll be fine.
Vinnie: Oh... okay.
(Vinnie notices that there is a laptop computer on Max's nightstand.)
Vinnie: Heyy, Payne has a laptop. I wonder if it has net access. Maybe you could show me some of your websites you designed. I don't think Payne'll mind.
A.J.: Okay, sure.
(Vinnie opens up the laptop and boots it up. He then opens up Internet Explorer, but a login window pops up.)
Vinnie: I shoulda known.
A.J.: Won't Max log you in?
Vinnie: I dunno. I'll ask him.
(Vinnie disappears downstairs, and comes back up a few minutes later with Max. Max goes to his laptop and logs in.)
Vinnie: Thanks Payne. We won't be on long.
Max: That's okay. Just no porn, capiche? I need that on my computer about as much as a desert iguana needs a sauna.
Vinnie: First of all, Payne, never say "capiche" again, cause it hurts people's ears when you do it. Second of all, don't insult my intelligence. I got A.J. here.
Max: Okay. Sorry, Vinnie. Didn't mean anything by it.
(Max leaves, and Vinnie closes the door behind him.)
Vinnie: Sorry about that A.J. He's not the most tactful of guys. But he's okay otherwise.
A.J.: It's okay, Vinnie.
Vinnie: So, let's see that stuff.
(A.J. takes the laptop and types in various URLs. The two sit looking at her stuff. Vinnie is quite impressed.)
Vinnie: Heyy, this is some good stuff y'got here. I liked that graphic novel site especially... that Sadie's somethin' else.
A.J.: (smiling) Thanks, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna hit you up to help set up my site showcasing my stuff. I'd show it to ya now, but those two clowns decided to take up residence in my room... probably on my bed too. Sheesh!
A.J.: It's okay. You can show me some other time.
Vinnie: Some other time, eh?
A.J.: Uh-huh.
Vinnie: (confessional) Hey, she said "some other time." That means she'll be open to a second date. I'm tellin' ya, things are starting to come together quite nicely.
Vinnie: Well, we probably better log off. I did promise Payne that we wouldn't be on long.
A.J.: Okay.
(A.J. logs off and turns off the laptop. Vinnie takes it and puts it back on Max's nightstand. As he turns around, he notices a black rectangular object sticking out from in between Kaufman's mattresses.)
Vinnie: Hey, what's that?
A.J.: What's what?
Vinnie: There's something stickin' outta Kaufman's mattress.
(A.J. looks and notices it.)
A.J.: Hey, so there is.
(Vinnie pulls out the object. It is a videotape. The label says "Kaufman: A.I.")
Vinnie: (reading) "Kaufman: A.I." What could that be? Let's watch it.
A.J.: Okay.
(Vinnie pops the tape into a small TV/VCR that happens to be on Kaufman's nightstand. He rewinds it, and then plays the tape.)
Voice on tape (Ryan Seacrest): Welcome back to American Idol. Our next contestant is a cleaner by day and a cover singer by night. So let's all give it up for... Kaufman.
(We see on the TV the stage lights come on to reveal Kaufman. He begins to sing Irene Cara's "What a Feeling.")
Kaufman: (on TV, singing) First when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream that your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind. All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride in a world made of steel, made of stone.
well I hear the music close my eyes feel the rhythm wrap around take a hold of my heart
What a feeling. Bein's believin'. I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life.
Take your passion and make it happen. Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life.
(We see Kaufman dancing and twirling around while singing. Vinnie and A.J. are laughing their asses off at the sight.)
A.J.: This is Kaufman!? That quiet guy!?
Vinnie: I never woulda guessed in a million years.
Kaufman: (on TV, still singing) Now I hear the music, close my eyes, I am rhythm. In a flash it takes hold of my heart.
What a feeling. Bein's believin'. I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life.
Take your passion and make it happen. Pictures come alive, now I'm dancing through my life. What a feeling.
(During the bridge part of the song, we see Kaufman, hands in the air, twirling around all over the stage. He continues dancing in place while eyeballing Paula Abdul. We see her blush a bit.)
Kaufman: (still singing on TV) What a feeling I AM MUSIC NOW Bein's believin'. I AM RHYTHM NOW Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life. What a feeling. I CAN REALLY HAVE IT ALL What a feeling. PICTURES COME ALIVE WHEN I CALL I can have it all I CAN REALLY HAVE IT ALL Have it all PICTURES COME ALIVE WHEN I CALL CALL CALL CALL CALL WHAT A FEELING I can have it all BEIN'S BELIEVIN Bein's believin' TAKE YOUR PASSION MAKE IT HAPPEN make it happen WHAT A FEELING what a feeling BEIN'S BELIEVIN'
(We see Kaufman finish his song, then exit the stage. Vinnie and A.J. are still laughing their asses off.)
Vinnie: (confessional, laughing) Oh my god! What the f(bleep)k was that? That had to be the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. I'm showin' this to the rest of the crew. They gotta see this!
Ryan Seacrest: (TV) That was Kaufman, performing Irene Cara's "What a Feeling." Now let's hear from the judges...
(We see Kaufman standing on the stage, listening as the judges critique his performance.)
Paula Abdul: (TV) Kaufman, those dance moves that you did were nice... but they just didn't... stand out. You should probably come up with some moves of your own, otherwise you're just gonna look like your imitating someone else. You've got a good voice, though, and it seems you have all the tools to be a good showman.
Kaufman: (TV) Thanks, Paula.
Randy Jackson: (TV) I'm with Paula. If you could just work on those dance moves – liven 'em up a bit – I think you might have a good shot.
Simon Cowell: (TV) You do have a good voice, Kaufman... for scaring away wild animals. If you did away with your dance moves, your voice, your looks... everything about yourself, then maybe you could make it. But I still doubt it.
Kaufman: (TV, under his breath) Assh(bleep)le.
Simon Cowell: (TV) Pardon?
Kaufman: (TV) I said I'll try.
Simon: (TV) Oh, alright.
Ryan Seacrest: (TV) Once again, that was Kaufman. Next up we have...
(The tape ends. Vinnie and A.J. are giggling. Kaufman momentarily enters.)
Kaufman: You guys coming back down?
(Vinnie and A.J. are desperately trying to contain their laughter.)
Vinnie: Sure, in a minute.
Kaufman: What's so funny?
Vinnie: Oh, nothing. Just... don't sing around animals.
(Vinnie and A.J. bust out laughing again. Kaufman then notices the tape rewinding. His eyes nearly triple in size. He leaps over to the TV/VCR and ejects the tape. Sure enough, he sees that it is his "American Idol" tape.)
Kaufman: (shocked) Where did you get this!?
A.J.: Vinnie found it sticking out from under your mattress.
Kaufman: Has anyone else seen this!? Answer me!
Vinnie: Geez, Kaufman, mellow out. Just me and A.J., as far as I know.
Kaufman: Please don't tell anyone about this. Pleeeeeease.
Vinnie: Aw, come on. It was good. (snickers again)
Kaufman: You're laughing.
Vinnie: Oh, I-I-I-I-I'm sorry. It's not funny... (snickers yet again) Well, okay, it's a little funny. I mean, I never woulda pictured you doin' this.
Kaufman: Vinnie, please. I'm begging you.
Vinnie: Well... all right. But I'm gonna look on this as a favor I did for ya, and I'm gonna expect a favor in return.
Kaufman: (returns to his blank expressionless face) Okay.
Vinnie: I'll let ya know when and where you can repay me.
Kaufman: Thank you. (leaves)
Vinnie: C'mon A.J. Let's go hang out downstairs with the gang. That okay?
A.J.: Sure Vinnie.
(Vinnie and A.J. head downstairs.)
MTV Announcer: Coming up... can Vinnie keep Kaufman's secret? Or will he? And what about the guys and the full Monty? Stay tuned for more, on "The Real World..."
Okay, this was getting a bit long, so sorry I couldn't cover the full Monty thing, but I'll cover it next episode (or is that, uncover it? LOL) Anyway, please R&R as usual.