(first entry, undated)
It's not a diary, it's a journal. My friggin' niece bought it for me, if you can believe it. She's a sweet girl, just a little misguided and naive. Like most kids today are, I'm sure. Kyla brings me this leather-bound journal and says here, I got you a present, here's a diary for you to write down your innermost thoughts. I told her "I don't have any innermost thoughts." She said, "Oh, Uncle Rob, everyone has innermost thoughts. You just have to share them." "With a book?" I said. "It's a diary," she said, smiling. Well, whatever. Diaries are for teenage girls, journals are for adults, but they're meant for writers, maybe for travelers, but not for physicians who are way too busy to record their latest wet dreams. What the hell though, I'll humor Kyla, and write in one or two pages. I doubt there'll be more than that.
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December 3, 2000
Nikki came over last night. We'd been out to dinner, I invited her in, she said okay. I tried something different; instead of going right up to the bedroom, we sat down on the couch and listened to Christmas music. I had the Guaraldi CD and made a comment about it being peaceful, but she said she didn't know why anyone would make an album about the Peanuts.
I knew she wasn't the brightest bulb in the shed when I met her, but I thought, what the hell. I had met her at the country club that my golfing buddy invited me to one time. He got me in there a few times as his guest. She was there and we talked and I asked her if we could go out sometime and surprisingly she gave me her phone number. Once she knew that I was a surgeon she lit right up because she saw that I had plenty of money. So I guess money is the main thing with some of these girls and everything else is more minor. She was beautiful and I didn't care that much that she wasn't great at sparkling conversation.
The thing is though, we were lying there last night and she just seemed so damned disinterested in any kind of cozy scenario. Not that she pulled away, she didn't, but we were lying there and I was stroking her hair and I don't think she even cared what I did. She just seemed a million miles away. So I started thinking what am I doing here, and for some reason that made me think of Lizzie and Mark and I got angry, I got angry just thinking about it, because why should they be so happy, why should they get all the luck and everything else. Then I started thinking maybe they weren't happy, maybe they were just together and I shouldn't be projecting anything on to Lizzie because after all, it wasn't her fault that I was lying here with this vacant-headed girl, Lizzie hadn't dragged Nikki over here and told her to lie down and sip some Chardonnay and listen to music.
So I was lying there realizing that it wasn't Lizzie's fault at all, or anyone's fault, it was my fault, so I sat up really abruptly and told Nicki that I was tired and that I'd take her home or pay for her cab. She was like, but I thought you wanted to have sex and I had to say no, I'm too tired and she kind of snorted as if to say yeah whatever. She stood up and got her coat and put it on and she was beautiful, she really was and then I felt strange, like maybe I shouldn't be turning her away, but I didn't really want her to stay either. So she said she'd call the cab and I said okay and I gave her the money for it and we said goodnight.
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April 20, 2001
Carolyn. Another girl I met at the country club. On our first date she said she'd never been out with an Italian guy before. I told her I was half Irish and she said she'd never been out with anyone Irish either. I guess she'd never dated anyone who wasn't a Wasp. I don't know. Beautiful girl. Blonde, blue-eyed. We'd only been out a few times, but I told her I'd been invited to a wedding, and I asked her if she'd go with me. She said okay. I thought of the admiring looks we'd get and the envy I'd see in every other male doctor's eyes when they saw me there with this stunning blonde woman.
When we got to the church though, all I could think of was Elizabeth. Carter said Mark had been delayed. I felt relieved. Maybe he wasn't coming, maybe he had chickened out, gotten cold feet or something. But why wouldn't he want to marry Lizzie? He'd have to be a fool, and as much as I've never been crazy about Greene, he didn't seem like that much of an idiot. So I started thinking maybe something happened, maybe he'd been in a car accident or something, and I felt this immense joy and relief. She wouldn't get married after all. She'd be distraught and need someone there to console her. Someone - maybe me, if I played my cards right. Then I felt guilty for thinking those thoughts. Greene might be a dope, but Lizzie wanted him. She'd agreed to marry him. Could I really wish him ill, knowing how she felt? I decided to stop wishing for something to happen, and hope that he'd be here, soon, ready to marry her and make her happy.
We got the word that he was on his way, and I volunteered to go in and give her the good news. When I entered the room she looked surprised but glad. Her parents were with her. She seemed really calm and serene and I just thought, oh shit, Lizzie really wants this marriage after all. So what could I do? I babbled on for a few minutes and then I told her he was coming. I started to leave the room and then I stopped. She looked beautiful. I wanted her to know that there were no hard feelings, that I understood, that I was there for her, ready to support her, on her wedding day. "Greene's a lucky man," I said, and then too late, wondered if she'd see the envy in my eyes, or hear it in my voice. I think maybe she did. She smiled, said "I know." She looked at me as if to say, he has me now, you need to accept it, to be happy for me, see how happy I am, I'm getting married and this is every girl's dream to be married so just, be my friend, Robert, will you? I got all this from her eyes and I could have been wrong but I don't think I was wrong, I think she was sending me a message, and all I could do was accept it graciously. It was too late for anything else, and I knew it, so I nodded, and left the room, left her to her parents and her privacy.
So I went back to my seat. Carolyn looked at me and smiled, so I smiled, and she took my hand, and I thought, this is all right, it really is. Elizabeth was getting married, but you have someone too. This woman is really pretty, and she's sitting here with you, she came to this wedding with you, and Dave Malucci is looking at you like, "How did you swing that one?" Like he can't believe it. I smiled back at him and gave him a sarcastic little wave and he looked away. Idiot. So anyway. Carolyn. I've forgotten about Elizabeth, I decide, she's with Mark and they're going to be married in a few minutes. That's the end of that. Greene finally makes an appearance and everyone in the church applauds, a "Glad you finally made it" round of applause. He looks like he's gotten drowned from the rain. It's kind of funny.
Then she comes walking down the aisle with her father. Everyone stands up, I stand up, and suddenly I feel a little sick, and sweaty. I try to get a hold of myself, it's nothing, it's just a little warm in here. Too many people. I look at Lizzie again and I feel really dizzy, like I'm not going to make it. I kind of stumble a little and Carolyn looks over at me, wondering what's wrong. I sort of smile, as if to say, it's nothing, and I struggle to regain my balance. Everyone's ooh-ing and ah-ing, and I close my eyes for a minute, trying to re-center myself. I open my eyes again, and feel a strange floating sensation come over me. This is it. Lizzie's getting married, it's real, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm losing Lizzie. I never really had her, but I'm losing her, and I feel incredibly sad but I also feel this eerie calmness, like this is what I've known all along would happen. This is what I must have known on some deep level was inevitable. I never really thought I could get her, and now it's finally been assured. I see Mark approach her and she whispers something to him and he whispers back, and I just think, this is it, the game is finally over, now I know that I've lost. It's good to know when something is over. I feel relief, and I take it in, I welcome it.
More to come.....
It's not a diary, it's a journal. My friggin' niece bought it for me, if you can believe it. She's a sweet girl, just a little misguided and naive. Like most kids today are, I'm sure. Kyla brings me this leather-bound journal and says here, I got you a present, here's a diary for you to write down your innermost thoughts. I told her "I don't have any innermost thoughts." She said, "Oh, Uncle Rob, everyone has innermost thoughts. You just have to share them." "With a book?" I said. "It's a diary," she said, smiling. Well, whatever. Diaries are for teenage girls, journals are for adults, but they're meant for writers, maybe for travelers, but not for physicians who are way too busy to record their latest wet dreams. What the hell though, I'll humor Kyla, and write in one or two pages. I doubt there'll be more than that.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
December 3, 2000
Nikki came over last night. We'd been out to dinner, I invited her in, she said okay. I tried something different; instead of going right up to the bedroom, we sat down on the couch and listened to Christmas music. I had the Guaraldi CD and made a comment about it being peaceful, but she said she didn't know why anyone would make an album about the Peanuts.
I knew she wasn't the brightest bulb in the shed when I met her, but I thought, what the hell. I had met her at the country club that my golfing buddy invited me to one time. He got me in there a few times as his guest. She was there and we talked and I asked her if we could go out sometime and surprisingly she gave me her phone number. Once she knew that I was a surgeon she lit right up because she saw that I had plenty of money. So I guess money is the main thing with some of these girls and everything else is more minor. She was beautiful and I didn't care that much that she wasn't great at sparkling conversation.
The thing is though, we were lying there last night and she just seemed so damned disinterested in any kind of cozy scenario. Not that she pulled away, she didn't, but we were lying there and I was stroking her hair and I don't think she even cared what I did. She just seemed a million miles away. So I started thinking what am I doing here, and for some reason that made me think of Lizzie and Mark and I got angry, I got angry just thinking about it, because why should they be so happy, why should they get all the luck and everything else. Then I started thinking maybe they weren't happy, maybe they were just together and I shouldn't be projecting anything on to Lizzie because after all, it wasn't her fault that I was lying here with this vacant-headed girl, Lizzie hadn't dragged Nikki over here and told her to lie down and sip some Chardonnay and listen to music.
So I was lying there realizing that it wasn't Lizzie's fault at all, or anyone's fault, it was my fault, so I sat up really abruptly and told Nicki that I was tired and that I'd take her home or pay for her cab. She was like, but I thought you wanted to have sex and I had to say no, I'm too tired and she kind of snorted as if to say yeah whatever. She stood up and got her coat and put it on and she was beautiful, she really was and then I felt strange, like maybe I shouldn't be turning her away, but I didn't really want her to stay either. So she said she'd call the cab and I said okay and I gave her the money for it and we said goodnight.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
April 20, 2001
Carolyn. Another girl I met at the country club. On our first date she said she'd never been out with an Italian guy before. I told her I was half Irish and she said she'd never been out with anyone Irish either. I guess she'd never dated anyone who wasn't a Wasp. I don't know. Beautiful girl. Blonde, blue-eyed. We'd only been out a few times, but I told her I'd been invited to a wedding, and I asked her if she'd go with me. She said okay. I thought of the admiring looks we'd get and the envy I'd see in every other male doctor's eyes when they saw me there with this stunning blonde woman.
When we got to the church though, all I could think of was Elizabeth. Carter said Mark had been delayed. I felt relieved. Maybe he wasn't coming, maybe he had chickened out, gotten cold feet or something. But why wouldn't he want to marry Lizzie? He'd have to be a fool, and as much as I've never been crazy about Greene, he didn't seem like that much of an idiot. So I started thinking maybe something happened, maybe he'd been in a car accident or something, and I felt this immense joy and relief. She wouldn't get married after all. She'd be distraught and need someone there to console her. Someone - maybe me, if I played my cards right. Then I felt guilty for thinking those thoughts. Greene might be a dope, but Lizzie wanted him. She'd agreed to marry him. Could I really wish him ill, knowing how she felt? I decided to stop wishing for something to happen, and hope that he'd be here, soon, ready to marry her and make her happy.
We got the word that he was on his way, and I volunteered to go in and give her the good news. When I entered the room she looked surprised but glad. Her parents were with her. She seemed really calm and serene and I just thought, oh shit, Lizzie really wants this marriage after all. So what could I do? I babbled on for a few minutes and then I told her he was coming. I started to leave the room and then I stopped. She looked beautiful. I wanted her to know that there were no hard feelings, that I understood, that I was there for her, ready to support her, on her wedding day. "Greene's a lucky man," I said, and then too late, wondered if she'd see the envy in my eyes, or hear it in my voice. I think maybe she did. She smiled, said "I know." She looked at me as if to say, he has me now, you need to accept it, to be happy for me, see how happy I am, I'm getting married and this is every girl's dream to be married so just, be my friend, Robert, will you? I got all this from her eyes and I could have been wrong but I don't think I was wrong, I think she was sending me a message, and all I could do was accept it graciously. It was too late for anything else, and I knew it, so I nodded, and left the room, left her to her parents and her privacy.
So I went back to my seat. Carolyn looked at me and smiled, so I smiled, and she took my hand, and I thought, this is all right, it really is. Elizabeth was getting married, but you have someone too. This woman is really pretty, and she's sitting here with you, she came to this wedding with you, and Dave Malucci is looking at you like, "How did you swing that one?" Like he can't believe it. I smiled back at him and gave him a sarcastic little wave and he looked away. Idiot. So anyway. Carolyn. I've forgotten about Elizabeth, I decide, she's with Mark and they're going to be married in a few minutes. That's the end of that. Greene finally makes an appearance and everyone in the church applauds, a "Glad you finally made it" round of applause. He looks like he's gotten drowned from the rain. It's kind of funny.
Then she comes walking down the aisle with her father. Everyone stands up, I stand up, and suddenly I feel a little sick, and sweaty. I try to get a hold of myself, it's nothing, it's just a little warm in here. Too many people. I look at Lizzie again and I feel really dizzy, like I'm not going to make it. I kind of stumble a little and Carolyn looks over at me, wondering what's wrong. I sort of smile, as if to say, it's nothing, and I struggle to regain my balance. Everyone's ooh-ing and ah-ing, and I close my eyes for a minute, trying to re-center myself. I open my eyes again, and feel a strange floating sensation come over me. This is it. Lizzie's getting married, it's real, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm losing Lizzie. I never really had her, but I'm losing her, and I feel incredibly sad but I also feel this eerie calmness, like this is what I've known all along would happen. This is what I must have known on some deep level was inevitable. I never really thought I could get her, and now it's finally been assured. I see Mark approach her and she whispers something to him and he whispers back, and I just think, this is it, the game is finally over, now I know that I've lost. It's good to know when something is over. I feel relief, and I take it in, I welcome it.
More to come.....