Thanksgiving was supposed to be a holiday of sleeping in, being tempted with the aromas of good food - yet not allowed to touch a single bite until dinner, and spending time with her mother. At least for one single day.
This wasn't as carefree as she would've liked it to be. Her mind was torn with indecision and the pros and cons of giving away information about herself.
It was surprising to get such a response so quickly with the mailing system. Normally, it took almost a week for her letters to get sent, holidays and Sundays notwithstanding. That also added the time it took for her to respond. So it was nice to have something to do while their small feast cooked on Thursday. That's what she figured at least...
She was rather dismayed at finding Inaki's amiable request for something, anything, over her past since she mentioned a smidgen about breakups.
She didn't do that on purpose. Guilt over the whole thing made her want to give him some sort of comfort and hope that his breakup wasn't the end of the world and there were better things out there. She knew what happened with those things and didn't want him to be like that too.
Had she known that would cause such a chain reaction, she would've never said anything so revealing.
Teeth bit her lip as she poured all her frustrations into mashing the nearly finished potatoes. All day she'd been hardly responsive to her mother's friendly talk, too caught up in what she should do. She should've felt more horrible for that, as she only here for one day and wouldn't see her mother again until Christmas.
Should she say something in response? All Inaki wanted was a LITTLE bit of inside information. How long had she known him now anyway? After a brief think, she was amazed. 'Geez, four months already. And he's been down here twice...' Allowing him in her house twice and inviting him down...what did that say about her trusting him then?
She'd never been to his house yet, but that wasn't Inaki's fault. She simply didn't have the time with classes and two jobs ate up the rest of it. She didn't blame him for not inviting her up. It was also a fact that, with eight people living under one roof, there would be no place to put her! It didn't sound like they had overnight guests that much, and no WAY would she kick someone out of their bed...or - God forbid - have to bunk with Inaki!
Her cheeks heated up as the image of him in a towel came. Combined with the one with him in a wife beater...shirt around his elbows... 'Oh MAN...I'm starting to think like SAM!' With a small sigh, she put more effort into her work, seeing frustration had done a pretty good job for her.
There was a presence and she jumped, head whipping around. "I think those are as good as they're going to get Kalie dear." Ella Himmen mused.
She looked away in embarrassment, even though her mother was teasing, and pulled the masher out of the mix. "Sorry, got caught up in my thoughts."
"Oh? I thought you were trying to go for a workout or something." The woman winked and she grinned.
"I get enough of a workout lugging books in my arms." She retorted, taping a bicep. "That and my two jobs give my entire body a workout as it is."
A patronizing hand patted her shoulder before Ella stepped away. "Well, I'll finish this up. Would you set the table for me please?"
She nodded and moved to the other counter with the overhead cupboards. After a few, arm-loaded trips, the table was set up rather nicely to her satisfaction and she went about setting the small things with. The brief break to her mind brought on another awareness...one that got a grin from her mother.
In the hot kitchen and dining room area, her stomach loudly protested its being ignored.
"I hope that turkey's done soon..." She muttered, setting the condiments around. A wry grin surfaced. "I don't know how much longer I can contain myself. I might start attacking the condiments."
Ella laughed. After a bit of silence, she grabbed the masher and held it in the air for her daughter. "Here. Snack on this while I check on the bird."
Dark green lit up as she hastily snatched it from her mother's grip. Mashed potatoes and sour cream liberally littered the metal utensil and she went about cleaning it off, using a single hand to continue setting the table. Neither had compunctions about eating potatoes and sour cream mixed in. It was surprisingly good that way, and she would've dipped the masher back in for seconds, if Ella hadn't bustled in with a bowl of stuffing.
Letting the woman bring every hot pan to the table without dropping them, she moved to the living room and plopped in a chair. It probably wasn't the best thing to do...as the sounds of her mother puttering feet away was a catalyst to help her thoughts spring back up.
'So what do I do now? A lot of me does NOT want to go into telling him about all the shit that's happened in my life. The last thing I want is him being sorry for me for a few bad choices that could've cost me dearly.'
Deep green darkened as she looked out an open window. Not many people knew of those worse choices. Sam was the only one who knew of the most horrible, and only by nearly catching her in the act, and a LOT of badgering. Her mother didn't know of half of them, which she didn't want the woman worrying over. Those instances came about from a depressed teenage girl and a broken heart. She would never be so stupid as to let herself go like that again.
Her head lolled as she let the masher go ignored. But therein lay the problem...
'Had Brad not helped screw me up in the beginning...maybe I wouldn't have been attracted to Arthur and end up doing myself more harm than even BRAD did.' A loathing stare settled on the brown carpet. Then perhaps she wouldn't have made all those bad choices in the REST of her life and let Sam hassle her into going out with Eugene.
A hand rubbed her forehead in weariness. 'I can't blame the poor guy for dumping me. I never allowed myself to feel anything for him really... I couldn't...not after what Brad and Arthur did to me. It was too soon...I didn't want to take those chances and have my heart broken a third time...'
She suddenly startled at finding feet in her field of vision and jerked green up.
"So you merry ray of sunshine...everything is set up."
She blinked and looked to the table in plain view. "Oh. Okay...good." She quickly hopped out of the chair and moved to put the masher in the sink before sitting down.
"Anything on your mind? You looked pretty down over there..."
She fought a grimace at how outward she was, but smiled instead. "Naw...I was just worried over something. No big deal." She lied, going for her utensils.
'Mom can never find out. I won't let her...it would kill her if she knew what I did.' She darkly vowed, letting her bangs shield her eyes.
After a quick, made-up grace, the two started dishing things up. "So," Ella started, "what're YOU thankful for this year?"
She smiled and went for her milk. A tiny tradition they made up between the two of them, but it never failed...her mother always made mention of it right when she had food in her mouth. There was nothing to ponder over. Just as she told Inaki, she was grateful to have such a person as her friend. "My recent pen pal who I met through fate." She grinned. "He's pretty cool. I'm also thankful for such good grades...my jobs...having such an understanding mother when it comes to being so far apart..." A finger tapped her chin in thought.
Ella smiled and looked to the turkey breast she was currently cutting. "And what about Sam and living with her? What about the friendship you two have? Not to mention the girl's generosity with everything since you two met."
Her nose wrinkled. "Do I HAVE to mention Samantha Merth right now??" She nearly whined. Ella smiled, but raised a brow. With a taxed sigh, she poked at the stuffing. "Fine...I appreciate everything about Sam. From her being my best friend and surrogate sister to her putting up with all my crap. And visa versa!"
Ella snorted. Samantha like a sister and the two couldn't be any closer than if they actually WERE sisters. Sam's annoying her daughter was right along that line too.
"And what're YOU thankful for this year mother-mine?"
Ella chuckled and took a drink of water to think. "One...I have a beautiful, healthy daughter."
Dark green good-naturedly rolled. "You say that EVERY year!" She playfully retorted, sticking her fork in Ella's face. "Think of something different!"
"But it's true. That's something I'm always grateful for. But if you want more...I'm thankful for my job, of course. Being able to own my own house and have my daughter frequent it whenever she can get away from her duties. I'm thankful to be alive and live in such a nice neighborhood. I'm thankful to have goals set for the future. And I'm thankful in knowing you're accomplishing a lot of the goals YOU set for yourself so far."
"You said pretty much the same things last year TOO." She dryly added. "Don't you ever find anything else to be thankful for?"
"What else DO you want me to be thankful for? Living in this country? Being able to have such choices to do what I want without a man in my life?"
"Like you need one."
"Precisely. Now don't interrupt me." Ella watched in amusement as her daughter promptly shoved a good-sized piece of turkey in her mouth. "I'm thankful and acknowledge every little thing that comes on this planet, in some shape or form. From the wood that built this house, to the bird on the table."
"Amen to that." She happily mumbled.
Ella tsked, but went for her own food.
~*~*~
The phone rang and she picked it up on the first ring, the cordless having been in her lap, awaiting the call. "What's the deal? You're five minutes late this year."
A huff sounded on the other line. "Excuse ME missy...but my stupid hermanos wouldn't shut the computer down. I know they did it just to piss me off cause they KNOW I call you every year."
She chuckled at the irked sound in Sam's voice. "Well...you probably scared them so bad with the threat of a sound thrashing that their fingers were shaking too much to hit the right keys."
Sam gave a rather evil laugh and smirked. "I see being away from my influence hasn't lessened your wit any." The two laughed. "That's a good thing...because you know mis hermanos are going to pick on you tomorrow."
"Like they always do?" She dryly asked.
"Don't worry...between you and me, we can take them!"
She giggled. "Don't sound so sure...your padres just might stop us."
"If they hide behind them again, yes."
She smiled and looked to the ceiling. The pause that followed was rather nice. It was one of those companionship silences the two girls could let hang and still feel close. At least...until Sam broke it and her happy reverie. "So did you write Inaki back yet? We can go mail that before you come here if you want."
She was silent, face becoming solemn. The letter thankfully managed to be avoided with dinner and dessert. Anticipating Sam's call also kept the earlier thoughts away, but now that it was brought back up, she was no closer to a decision than she was hours ago. "I haven't written him yet." She mumbled, a finger picking at the arm of the chair.
Sam's brows went up. "You don't sound very happy about that... ¿Digame?"
Teeth bit her lip. Did she confide these problems in Sam? The girl knew a good portion of them, most of them dating...but this wasn't Sam's concern. It was going to be her choice in the end whether or not to include anything in the return. "No sé..." She trailed off.
"¿Por favor chica? Come on, aren't we sisters? Or as close as we're going to get? Don't close off. You know that irritates me."
She felt a little guilty, even though she did have every intention of keeping this little, rather minute problem to herself. It wasn't that she wanted to spite Sam by not asking for advice - the girl was pretty good with it actually - but she was enough of a burden to her friend as it was. Still, she could never deny Sam when the girl asked in such a sincere tone of voice. "Inaki wants to know about my past."
There was a stretch of silence on the line. She knew that would shock Sam, or at least throw her for a loop. They both knew how guarded she was about that. "...I see. That explains your mood at least."
She nodded a little, even though it was unseen. "I didn't tell you...but Inaki broke up with his girlfriend because of me inviting him over and I was just offering reassurances. I didn't think he would ask for anything else."
Though Sam wondered what K said, there was one MAJOR fact that shadowed all other thought. Inaki was single now?! A sly grin slowly started spreading its way across Sam's face...a planning, all-around evil look appearing. "Oh...REALLY?"
She scowled and threw the root problem onto the backburner when she heard that tone. "Wipe that grin off your face!" She growled, gripping the phone. "And don't EVEN!"
"I have no idea what you mean."
The glower darkened. "You're as innocent as I am a virgin, so don't try to fool me."
Silence. "...That...was a comparison...I hope you NEVER make again!"
She grinned, mood lifting a little. It didn't last long. "I'm SERIOUS Sam! I have no intention on dating ANYONE, at least until I finish college...so get any of those thoughts out of your head! You were horrible when he was taken, I can only fear what evil plots you'll hatch now that he's free."
The grin widened a notch. "Then start quaking."
"SSAAAMMMM! NO!!" She whined.
"Don't worry...I'll deal with the getting-you-two-together aspect when I cross that bridge."
Her face took on a pained look. "I am SO going to hurt you when you pick me up tomorrow."
"You can't, I'm your ride."
Silence descended again, bringing the depth of the first situation with it. "I don't know what I should do." She finally confessed. The answer would be easy enough for a normal person. The two had known each other for a few months so even a LITTLE information could be given...
But Kalie Himmen wasn't any normal person, as Sam found that out half a year into living with the girl. Instead of an immediate answer, Sam weighed the knowledge again Inaki's request. The guy really DIDN'T know what he was asking for. To open up such a Pandora's Box of information...
K's past wasn't one to gloat about.
Finally, no good answer came. "Well...you know I always try to help you make the right decisions, even if you don't like them... I know this is still yours to make, but I'm throwing in my two cents here. You don't HAVE to tell Inaki a lot of your past...or even much. You could tell him a few bits of happier times and leave it at that." A thumbnail thoughtfully went into her mouth. "At least, that's what I think." Sam added. "I mean...how long have you known the guy for?"
That was more of a rhetorical question than an actual one, but it didn't lessen the guilt any. "I know... I know I should tell him something...it's only fair with as much as he's told me..." A finger nervously tapped on the armrest. "But...I'm thinking that if I DO tell him even a little bit, he'll think it's okay to ask for more. Then I'd have to tell him no and I don't want to ruin what little we've built so far. I'd like there to be trust between us."
"Entiendo... But you have to weigh your options and find out how much you want to sacrifice to keep from hurting yourselves."
"That's what I've been doing all afternoon!" She grit out. A hand clenched her head in frustration. A deep frown appeared. "This is pissing me off! I keep coming up with more cons than pros in telling him, but the few pros are rather weighty in themselves! I have NO clue what I should do, but I have to do SOMETHING..."
"Te calmas chica..." Sam soothed. "I think you need to step away from this before it gives you a migraine. You're always cranky when you get those from too much studying."
Her lips twitched, but she did as told and took a deep breath. After a patient second, things seemed a little less muddled when she purposely blanked her mind and thought of nothing. "I honestly don't know if I can do that." She finally mumbled, feeling like a coward.
"Then don't. Like I said...entiendo. I know your side, and I know Inaki's reasons for wanting information. I think if you understand Inaki's side, it'll help you make your choice easier."
She nearly pouted. But the girl was right. "You know...it's times like these that almost make me forget how juvenile you are eighty percent of the time. ALMOST."
"Hey - I'm not that bad!"
She smirked. "No...you just ACT like it."
A background noise came just as Sam sputtered a retort, halting the girl. After a second, it died down from Sam's shouting away from the phone, even though it reached through rather well. An annoyed sigh sounded. "Mis hermanos want to use the line again. I swear...they love that stupid internet too much."
An evil grin sprouted. "We'll have to fix that tomorrow..."
A wicked gleam entered blue eyes. "You must dispense your plans to me in the morning, oh wise one."
"Yo, Sammy! Come on already!! We haven't got all night!"
"I am DEFINITELY more mature than those two." Sam growled.
She giggled. "I'll let you go. Pick me up the normal time. I should be up by then."
"Hey, if you aren't, that allows me to wake you up MY way."
"You do and I am NOT cooking ANYTHING next week!" She threatened, smirking.
Sam whined until another call came from her brothers. "Shut UP already! I hear you!!" She retorted across the hall. "I have to go hurt my brothers now...have fun with madre and tell her I was cut off before I could say hi."
"I'm sure she'll understand."
"Hasta mañana K."
"Mañana." She echoed, hanging up. The humor of her best friend lingered for a little bit until the original problem returned and dropped her good mood. Even with another 'heart-to-heart' with Sam, she was still no closer to reaching a decision than earlier. She groaned a sigh and got up to put the phone back.
Just as her hand finished situating it against the wall charger, Ella's head popped out from the hallway. "Oh...are you two done already?"
She grinned. "Samantha got cut short and had to go hurt her brothers." She mused.
Ella's head shook with a small sigh, but she smiled and disappeared for her room again.
When the quiet returned, she headed into her room and silently clicked the door shut. A quick flop onto her bed and all was still. 'This is getting me nowhere. I've thought about it...gone over what I should and could do. I've gotten Sam's advice - which was almost the same as what I've been thinking. I should ignore all that and try to find what I want to do.' Dark green closed as she forced her mind clear and rested for a while. Without knowing it, she lost conscious enough to consider it a catnap.
When green opened again, the sun was entirely gone and her room was pitch black. A glance at the glow from her alarm found it past ten. She blinked and sat up. A hand scratched her head as she tried to recall exactly what she fell asleep for. It didn't take long. But at least she had her answer.
Sliding off the bed, she left the room and headed into the kitchen. Hands dug for a notepad and pencil before returning to the solitude of her old room. She momentarily cradled the notebook in her lap and chewed on the pencil. 'How to start this...' She didn't want to put her wordings in any way that would create a rift between them. If that was the case, she'd change her mind.
Inaki,
I was amazed to get your letter so fast. It gave me something to do while I waited for my mother's cooking to get done.
So how was your Thanksgiving? Did you do anything special? Me, I had a nice dinner with my mom...same traditions as last year. Sam called, like she did last year also, and we had a nice talk. Sometimes I'm so happy she's my friend...not only does she give good advice, but she's great for a laugh.
I'm dancing around the subject, aren't I? I don't mean to really...but you know I'm a shy one. Not to mention my past is a touchy subject...as you kind of got from my initial reluctance to speak of it.
In the beginning, you asked about my past and whether or not I told you or you picked up on my dislike of speaking about it I don't remember. I'd have to go through all your letters to find if I did and right now I'm writing this at my mom's house, so that's kind of impossible.
Again I dance around. Sorry about that.
I thought about your request all day, no joke. I know it's a simple yes or no for asking someone about their childhood or a few years ago, but it's not with me. I had to take a nap in order to clear my mind enough to make a decision.
I don't know how to tell you this without you feel bad or getting angry. I don't want to do anything to harm what friendship we've built by saying the wrong thing, but I know I will probably make tension by saying it regardless...so I hope I don't offend you.
I'm sorry to say I decline your offer. It's kind of a mixture of want and can't. I don't want to tell anything of my past and screw things up, and I also can't because I have a feeling it will do the same. I like who I am around you and I don't want that to change. I don't want what WE have to change.
I know this all terribly vague and mysterious. I can't reassure you that my life has been a bed of roses...unless you count the thorns over the nice smell. You know how independent I am, and because of that, I don't like taking pity or sympathy from people. That's why I can't tell you details...just a general answer. There's more than that of course, but that's just one reason.
Again, I'm sorry it came down to this. I was hoping you'd never ask and just deal with the present me, but I can't blame you for that. It's not that I guard my past, but I'm certainly not proud of it. There are very few people who know anything of it, in any detail...and only because they stuck with me and / or asked so many times that I couldn't take it anymore.
But please...don't do that. Don't badger or harass me to know. I don't like writing this type of letter when all have been nice and humorous so far, so please don't make me repeat this... Please?
Anyway...I...I think I'll cut off now. It's rather late and I should get to bed.
Happy Thanksgiving,
K
November 27, 2097
She stared at the paper for what seemed an eternity with dead eyes before a shuddery exhale left her lips. She harshly swallowed, finding her throat dry. 'I can only hope he accepts this horrible of an answer...'
Can't and want were the same almost, but it was more want than can't. Still, the two warred together.
She didn't WANT to tell anything because if she did, she would drag him under with the emotions she tried so very hard to lock away and never feel again. She wanted to spare Inaki all that horror and pain; she never wanted him to know the truth of her past. It was drama and depression central...and she was ashamed and angered by it.
And she COULDN'T tell Inaki anything, because if she did...she ran the high risk of losing him. She didn't want him to get fed up with her ways and THAT side. So many people she knew in the start of college stopped talking to her because of her past. She lost friends because of it and stopped trying to reach out in this new city.
It was a horrible cycle. If she told people about her life, they grew disgusted or unnerved and ignored her. But when they left, she closed off even more and stopped making friends. Her closing off only resulted in those that stuck around to worry about her and keep asking what was wrong - thus the cycle started again.
There was only one way she could break it. To forget as much of her past as she could and act like nothing was wrong. To work hard for her future with school and devote herself to her studies. To make everyone think she was a bright, friendly, hard-worker.
To those that never knew her past or THAT side had no idea what she was hiding. Therefore, they didn't ask questions. And as long as she could KEEP it that way, she wouldn't lose them. 'I'll do ANYTHING to keep that from happening with Inaki.' She darkly vowed, trudging to her bag. 'I feel more connected to him than my high school friends. It's just like with Sam...there was an instant bond there. That means something and I'll be DAMNED if I let go of that!'
Spanish language will be translated under the Japanese when it appears together. This language will be correct, as I have half put half a decade into learning.
Translations: Mis hermanos-My brothers Padres-Parents ¿Digame?-Tell me? No sé-I don't know Entiendo-I understand
Te calmas chica-Calm down girl Hasta mañana-Until tomorrow Mañana-Tomorrow