Disclaimers: Okay, once again, I don't own this stuff. Rockstar owns Max
Payne, MTV owns the Real World, Channel Four Films and Redwave Films own
The Full Monty.
This is fiction, not fact.
Okay, sorry it took so long, but here it is. Episode XIII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Mike: picked to live in a house...
Annie: and have their lives taped.
Vinnie: Find out what happens...
Kaufman: when people stop being polite...
Lisa: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
(The house, next morning)
(We see lots of empty liquor bottles, plates, cups, and other trash scattered about the place. It is the morning after the party, but there are still a few guests scattered around, sleeping/passed out. Max and Mona come down momentarily.)
Mona: Good grief, there are still guests here.
Max: Yes, it looks like they've worn out their welcome like a cheap pair of sneakers.
(They go over and wake the sleeping guests.)
Max: Hey, buddy. Sorry, but you need to leave. We've gotta get this place cleaner than a newly opened hospital ward.
Guest: (hung over) Mmmm, okay.
(Guest leaves, followed by the other guests. Soon after that, Alex comes down, hand in hand with a female guest, scantily-clad.)
Alex: Hey Max. I guess we both fell asleep.
Max: I'll say. You must've had some night.
Alex: (looking at the girl, smiling) Yep, sure did.
Mona: (sarcastically) Did you two behave?
Female Guest: Get real!
Mona: (a bit taken aback) Okay.
Alex: Uhh, we should probably go, babe. I think Max and the gang wanna get this place cleaned up. C'mon, I'll take ya out for breakfast.
Female Guest: Okay.
Alex: See ya later, Max. Oh, and it was nice meeting you, Mona.
Max: Thanks for coming. If you wanna hang out with us again, just let me know.
Mona: Yeah, we'd love to have you.
Alex: Thanks. (to Female Guest) Let's go.
(Alex and the Female Guest leave.)
Mona: So Max, how come Vlad and Winterson left so early?
Max: Vlad told me that he had to get up early this morning. Something about the chickens. You ask me, Winterson probably tugged at him like a hen at a worm.
(Mike and Annie come down.)
Mona: Hey guys. Did you have fun last night?
Annie: Uh-huh. Mike was quite the two-stepper, as always.
Mike: Great party. We have fun. I loved seeing my friends again.
Max: Well, we'd better get started cleaning this place up.
(As the four begin going around picking up the trash, Vinnie comes down, looking pretty happy, although a bit groggy.)
Max: Hey there Vinnie.
Vinnie: Hey Payne. Hey guys.
Mona: Did you get A.J. home okay?
Vinnie: Yeah, everything went well.
Annie: That A.J. seems real nice.
Vinnie: Yeah, she is. In fact, I'm seein' her again next Thursday.
Mike: Heyy, that's great Vinnie.
Max: Glad to hear it.
Vinnie: Are the four of yas cleanin' up?
Max: Yeah. Can you help, Vinnie?
Vinnie: Sure, Payne.
(Vinnie joins the group cleaning up the place. Soon Lisa comes down.)
Lisa: What's up?
Mona: Hey sis. Did you have fun last night?
Lisa: Uh-huh. So did my husband.
Max: That's good.
Annie: Can you help us clean the place up?
Lisa: Yeah, okay.
(Lisa joins in. Finally, Kaufman comes down. The rest of the gang sees him, and Vinnie hides a snicker.)
Lisa: Oh, hey Kaufman.
Kaufman: Hello.
Annie: Was that you dancin' last night? You were dancin' pretty good.
Kaufman: Thanks.
Max: Who was that girl that was dancing with you? She was cute – a vixen finding her mate amidst a forest full of hounds.
Kaufman: Candy, I think. I'm not sure.
Vinnie: Hey Kaufman, now that you're here, can you help us get this place cleaned up?
Kaufman: Okay.
Kaufman: (confessional) I hope Vinnie didn't forget about his promise and tell everyone about the tape.
(The gang continues to clean. They throw out the trash, vacuum, dust, and polish. Soon the house is spic-and-span.)
Mona: Well, that wasn't too hard.
Max: I'm surprised no furniture got broken, as many people as we had here.
(A little later...)
(We see the gang lounging around relaxing. Mike and Annie are watching TV, Mona and Lisa are practicing Tai-Chi together, Max and Kaufman are playing dominoes, and Vinnie is on the phone, talking to A.J.)
Kaufman: Ten. I win.
Max: Damn! Someday, Kaufman. Someday.
(The two start another game. Meanwhile...)
Vinnie: (on phone) So A.J., did ya have fun last night... Good, me too... I can't wait to see ya Thursday...
(Meanwhile...)
Mona: No, Lisa, BIG circle. BIG circle... That's good. Now, FEEL that chi power flow... Good...
(Meanwhile...)
Mike: Hey, Dukes of Hazard is a good show, yes?
Annie: It ain't bad. Those Duke boys are pretty trippin'.
Mike: Yes, they are real rugged outlaws.
(Annie giggles a bit. Soon Vinnie comes back into the living room.)
Annie: Hey, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Hey guys.
Max: So Vinnie, did you have a good talk with A.J.?
Vinnie: Yeah, Payne, I did. (sees the dominoes on the table) Playin' dominoes again. Why ain't I surprised?
Max: I'm gonna keep playing like a bull terrier until I beat Kaufman.
Kaufman: (confessional) This is getting boring, but Max keeps insisting on playing me.
Vinnie: (confessional) Man, all Payne ever does is play that damn domino game. It's getting annoying, all that slapping down on the table and s(bleep)t. Hey... I got an idea. Kaufman owes me a favor for keepin' my mouth shut about the tape. Hmmm...
Vinnie: Hey Kaufman, when you get a chance, can I talk to ya for a sec.
Kaufman: Okay. (slaps down a domino) Ten. I win.
Max: Shoot.
(Kaufman gets up and follows Vinnie into the kitchen.)
Vinnie: (whispering) Kaufman, do you remember how I kept my mouth shut about the tape?
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.
Vinnie: And you remember how I said that I'd expect the favor returned?
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.
Vinnie: Well, this is your chance to pay me back.
Kaufman: What do I gotta do?
Vinnie: Kaufman... I want you to take a dive.
Kaufman: What?
Vinnie: Next game of dominoes... I want you to let Payne win.
Kaufman: (confessional) I don't take dives. No way, no how.
Kaufman: I don't know. I don't feel right about this.
Vinnie: Okay. If that's how ya feel about it. Hey guyyys! I got something to show ya!
Kaufman: (cupping his hand over Vinnie's mouth, whispering) Shut up, shut up, shut up! All right, I'll do it. Just don't tell anyone about the tape. Pleeeeeeease.
Vinnie: You promise to let Payne win next game?
Kaufman: Yes.
Vinnie: Then you're little secret's safe with me. (Does buttoning motion over his mouth)
Kaufman: Thank you.
(Mona enters)
Mona: So what do you have to show us Vinnie?
Vinnie: Huh?
Mona: Vinnie, you just called us all and said you had something to show us.
Vinnie: Oh, ahhhh, my new Captain Baseball Bat Boy t-shirt. Very nice, huh?
Mona: (sighs) Cut it out, will ya? We're busy.
Vinnie: (grins a bit) Sorry.
(Mona leaves, followed by Vinnie and Kaufman. Vinnie joins Annie and Mike on the sofa, while Kaufman rejoins Max at the table.)
Kaufman: (confessional) Let's get this over with. I'm gonna hate doing this.
Kaufman: Another game, Max?
Max: Let's go. I've been waiting like the excommunicated in Purgatory for another game.
(The two begin to play. They start slapping down one domino after another on the table. Unbeknownst to Max, Kaufman is holding back his best dominoes, allowing Max to score unbelievably high.)
Max: (slaps down a domino, grinning) Ten.
Kaufman: You're winning.
Max: I told you I was gonna win someday.
(Kaufman slaps down a domino, followed by Max, which gives him ten more points.)
Max: Ten.
(The two continue to play. Kaufman runs out of dominoes, while Max slaps down his last domino. This gives him the points he needs to win.)
Max: Woohoo! Ten! I win!
(Max jumps up from the table and does a little victory dance. Kaufman just watches, unfazed by it.)
Max: (singsong) I win! I win! Who da man? Who da man?
(Everyone else is flabbergasted – they've never seen Max so excited before. Kaufman acts as though he is taking it all in stride.)
Kaufman: Congratulations.
Max: Thanks, Kaufman. My pleasure.
Max: (confessional) Wow. I don't think I've ever gotten so excited before. I came out of the shell of my cool exterior like a rabbit from its protective hole. But I can't help it – I beat Kaufman. It's the day I've been waiting for ever since Kaufman first came here.
Kaufman: (confessional) This sucks. I could have easily beaten Max. And Mama taught me never to take a dive for anyone. But I had to, to protect my secret.
(We see Max continue to celebrate, until he catches the rest of the group watching him, completely dumbfounded. He regains his composure.)
Max: Oh, uhh, hey guys.
Lisa: Max, are you okay?
Max: Oh, uh, yeah, I'm fine. I guess I just got a little excited.
Annie: A little excited.
Max: Well, yeah. I finally beat Kaufman like Pee-Wee Herman in a movie theater.
Kaufman: Don't push it, Max.
Max: Sorry, Kaufman. Congratulations. Good game. (shakes his hand)
(A little later)
Vinnie: So what does everyone wanna do tonight?
Mona: Hmm... haven't thought much about it? Anyone got any ideas?
Lisa: I'm stumped.
Annie: Mike, you got anything?
Mike: Nope.
Kaufman: I know a place.
Max: You do? What kind of place is it?
(Moaner Moaner XXX Club, Soho, evening)
(We see the gang enter the strip club. They have mixed reactions.)
Annie: Oh god, Kaufman. A booby bar?
Vinnie: Ahh, Kaufman, normally I'd be all for this, but I'm goin' out with A.J. now, so this might not be such a good idea.
Max: I don't know. Stick around. It could turn out to be fun.
Mike: (noticing a beautiful girl dancing topless) Hey, these girls are beautiful. (sees Annie glaring at him) But they can't compare to you.
(Annie blushes a bit.)
Mona: Y'know, I might be willing to stick around. It's kinda fun to watch these girls.
Max: Mona?
Mona: No, I'm just saying. It's kinda funny to see girls with oversized boobs make fools of themselves.
Lisa: Well, be that as it may, I don't think I should be here. It might creep my husband out.
Mona: And how do you know that?
Max: Yeah, Lisa. He might get turned on like a switch by the idea.
Kaufman: Are we staying or what?
Max: I'll stay.
Mike: Come on Annie, just give it a try.
Annie: (sighs) A'right, but just for a little while.
Vinnie: I'll stay too, but no one tell A.J., okay?
Max: Of course not, Vinnie.
Mona: Yeah, what happens here stays here.
Lisa: I still think this is a bad idea... but I'll stay too, for you guys.
Kaufman: Cool.
(The gang finds a seat at a table near the stage. Soon the girl on stage finishes dancing and leaves the stage. The owner of the strip club then comes out with a microphone – it's Mr. Corcoran, the fat bald dead guy from the swanky apartments in MP2.)
Mr. Corcoran: That was the lovely luscious Star, ladies and gentleman. Let's have a big hand for her. (cheers from the audience) Now it's time for our amateur hour. This is open to females AND males, so don't be shy. Anybody out there wanna perform their best nude dance for our lovely audience tonight? We give out cash prizes for the best performance.
Kaufman: Let's go, guys.
Vinnie: What? No freakin' way.
Max: I'm with Vinnie. I'm about as comfortable doing this as sliding down a razor blade into a pool of alcohol.
Mike: C'mon guys. I'll try it, why can't you?
Mr. Corcoran: Nobody wants to come up and show off their assets for the crowd.
Kaufman: This'll be fun.
Mike: Yes, I'll do it for Annie.
Mona: C'mon, Max. Go up there... for me. (bats eyes feigning seduction)
Max: (confessional) Once again, Mona used her charms on me, coaxing me into doing this like a Vegas hypnotist coaxes a tourist into acting like a chicken.
Max: Oh, all right. All right, I'll do it.
Mona: Thanks, Max.
Kaufman: Vinnie?
Vinnie: (sighs) All right, I'll go up, but you guys don't tell A.J., okay?
Mona: Vinnie, what did I say when we got here?
Vinnie: (corners of his mouth turn up just a bit) "What happens here stays here."
Mona: Right.
Kaufman: Cool. (to Mr. Corcoran) Hey! Over here!
Mr. Corcoran: And we have a volunteer. Oh wait, we have four volunteers.
Familiar voice: (OS) Make that five!
(The group turns to see at the bar... Vladimir!)
Max: Vlad! (the gang runs over to see him)
Mike: Hey, Vladimir. What are you doing here?
Vladimir: I snuck away for a night out. Winterson thinks I'm out threshing grain.
Lisa: Whoa. You'd better hope she buys it.
Mona: And her parents too.
Vinnie: So you're joinin' us onstage, huh?
Vladimir: Sure, if you guys are going to do this, then you should have a fifth. Like in "The Full Monty."
Kaufman: Hey, let's do that.
Max: What? The Full Monty?
Kaufman: Sure.
Vladimir: That is a good idea.
Vinnie: Might as well. We're goin' up there already.
Mike: Sure. It will be fun.
Max: Well... okay.
Kaufman: Let's go, the audience is getting impatient.
(The gang goes up to the stage area. On the way, Kaufman whispers something to Mr. Corcoran. The gang goes behind the curtain and waits to be announced.)
Mr. Corcoran: All right, folks. First up for amateur night we have Max, Vladimir, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman. And they wish it to be known, ladies, that they are going for... the Full Monty.
(Loud cheering from the female audience members as the curtain opens to reveal the five guys. It is dark at first, but the stage lights turn on, illuminating them one by one. They are fully dressed, and they begin to dance as some cheesy music begins to play. As they dance, they remove parts of their clothing little by little, starting with their coats. They take off their shirts next, then their undershirts. Next they go for the pants, revealing their skivvies.)
Annie: (confessional) At first I didn't wanna come here. But seeing Mike go up there and do something like that kinda got me hot.
Mona: (confessional) I can't believe they got Max to go up there. He's doing quite well for someone so serious all the time.
(The guys continue to dance. As the music nears its end, the guys go for their skivvies. In one quick motion, all the guys' skivvies come off to reveal "the Full Monty." The ladies hoot and holler as they finish up the dance.)
Lisa: (confessional) Wow! They actually went and did it. I'm surprised... And Vinnie. That geek's been holding out on us ladies. I'll bet that A.J. chick's gonna be one happy customer, if they ever get intimate.
(The music ends, and the guys grab their clothes and disappear behind the curtains.)
Mr. Corcoran: That was Max, Vladimir, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman, doing their rendition of the Full Monty. Next up we have...
(Backstage, we see the guys putting on their clothes.)
Vladimir: Great job guys.
Kaufman: Thanks.
Mike: That was fun.
Vinnie: Yeah, it was. I'm surprised.
Max: I was worried about doing this. But now I'm as happy as a fat kid at a free candy giveaway.
(The guys are completely dressed and they go out to rejoin the girls at their table.)
(Later...)
Mr. Corcoran: Well, our judges have the results for tonight's contest. Our second prize winner, who will receive a fifty dollar gift certificate to Macy's, is... Sassy Susan, for her rendition of the naughty Catholic schoolgirl.
(The audience cheers as a girl dressed in a sexy school uniform goes up to claim her prize.)
Mr. Corcoran: Our first prize winner, who will receive $500 cash, is... Matt and Stephanie, for their rendition of bored housewife and pool man.
(A young guy and girl come up to claim their prize, amidst cheers.)
Mr. Corcoran: And our grand prize winner, who will receive a cool $1,000 cash prize, is... Max, Vlad, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman, for "the Full Monty."
(The guys are surprised as the audience cheers, especially Mona, Annie, and Lisa. They go up to get their $1,000. They immediately split it five ways.)
Mike: (confessional) Oh my gosh. We won. This is great. I'm going to use my $200 to buy Annie a nice gift. (chuckles) Maybe a cowgirl hat.
Vinnie: (confessional) I can't f(bleep)in' believe it, our group won. Now I kinda wish A.J. had seen me. I probably still shouldn't tell her, though. But I'll use my money to show her a great night. Maybe get her a gift too. Somethin' nice.
Mona: (confessional) Ohhhh... I am SOOOO turned on right now, seeing Max and all the other guys doing that, and winning. I'm so glad we did this as a group. Pretty good idea for a quiet guy like Kaufman.
MTV Announcer: Coming up... the cast members get their own shows? And where will the relationship between Vinnie and A.J. go? Stay tuned for our next episode of "The Real World."
Okay, once again, so sorry it took so long to get this out, but as always, PLEASE R&R.
This is fiction, not fact.
Okay, sorry it took so long, but here it is. Episode XIII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Mike: picked to live in a house...
Annie: and have their lives taped.
Vinnie: Find out what happens...
Kaufman: when people stop being polite...
Lisa: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
(The house, next morning)
(We see lots of empty liquor bottles, plates, cups, and other trash scattered about the place. It is the morning after the party, but there are still a few guests scattered around, sleeping/passed out. Max and Mona come down momentarily.)
Mona: Good grief, there are still guests here.
Max: Yes, it looks like they've worn out their welcome like a cheap pair of sneakers.
(They go over and wake the sleeping guests.)
Max: Hey, buddy. Sorry, but you need to leave. We've gotta get this place cleaner than a newly opened hospital ward.
Guest: (hung over) Mmmm, okay.
(Guest leaves, followed by the other guests. Soon after that, Alex comes down, hand in hand with a female guest, scantily-clad.)
Alex: Hey Max. I guess we both fell asleep.
Max: I'll say. You must've had some night.
Alex: (looking at the girl, smiling) Yep, sure did.
Mona: (sarcastically) Did you two behave?
Female Guest: Get real!
Mona: (a bit taken aback) Okay.
Alex: Uhh, we should probably go, babe. I think Max and the gang wanna get this place cleaned up. C'mon, I'll take ya out for breakfast.
Female Guest: Okay.
Alex: See ya later, Max. Oh, and it was nice meeting you, Mona.
Max: Thanks for coming. If you wanna hang out with us again, just let me know.
Mona: Yeah, we'd love to have you.
Alex: Thanks. (to Female Guest) Let's go.
(Alex and the Female Guest leave.)
Mona: So Max, how come Vlad and Winterson left so early?
Max: Vlad told me that he had to get up early this morning. Something about the chickens. You ask me, Winterson probably tugged at him like a hen at a worm.
(Mike and Annie come down.)
Mona: Hey guys. Did you have fun last night?
Annie: Uh-huh. Mike was quite the two-stepper, as always.
Mike: Great party. We have fun. I loved seeing my friends again.
Max: Well, we'd better get started cleaning this place up.
(As the four begin going around picking up the trash, Vinnie comes down, looking pretty happy, although a bit groggy.)
Max: Hey there Vinnie.
Vinnie: Hey Payne. Hey guys.
Mona: Did you get A.J. home okay?
Vinnie: Yeah, everything went well.
Annie: That A.J. seems real nice.
Vinnie: Yeah, she is. In fact, I'm seein' her again next Thursday.
Mike: Heyy, that's great Vinnie.
Max: Glad to hear it.
Vinnie: Are the four of yas cleanin' up?
Max: Yeah. Can you help, Vinnie?
Vinnie: Sure, Payne.
(Vinnie joins the group cleaning up the place. Soon Lisa comes down.)
Lisa: What's up?
Mona: Hey sis. Did you have fun last night?
Lisa: Uh-huh. So did my husband.
Max: That's good.
Annie: Can you help us clean the place up?
Lisa: Yeah, okay.
(Lisa joins in. Finally, Kaufman comes down. The rest of the gang sees him, and Vinnie hides a snicker.)
Lisa: Oh, hey Kaufman.
Kaufman: Hello.
Annie: Was that you dancin' last night? You were dancin' pretty good.
Kaufman: Thanks.
Max: Who was that girl that was dancing with you? She was cute – a vixen finding her mate amidst a forest full of hounds.
Kaufman: Candy, I think. I'm not sure.
Vinnie: Hey Kaufman, now that you're here, can you help us get this place cleaned up?
Kaufman: Okay.
Kaufman: (confessional) I hope Vinnie didn't forget about his promise and tell everyone about the tape.
(The gang continues to clean. They throw out the trash, vacuum, dust, and polish. Soon the house is spic-and-span.)
Mona: Well, that wasn't too hard.
Max: I'm surprised no furniture got broken, as many people as we had here.
(A little later...)
(We see the gang lounging around relaxing. Mike and Annie are watching TV, Mona and Lisa are practicing Tai-Chi together, Max and Kaufman are playing dominoes, and Vinnie is on the phone, talking to A.J.)
Kaufman: Ten. I win.
Max: Damn! Someday, Kaufman. Someday.
(The two start another game. Meanwhile...)
Vinnie: (on phone) So A.J., did ya have fun last night... Good, me too... I can't wait to see ya Thursday...
(Meanwhile...)
Mona: No, Lisa, BIG circle. BIG circle... That's good. Now, FEEL that chi power flow... Good...
(Meanwhile...)
Mike: Hey, Dukes of Hazard is a good show, yes?
Annie: It ain't bad. Those Duke boys are pretty trippin'.
Mike: Yes, they are real rugged outlaws.
(Annie giggles a bit. Soon Vinnie comes back into the living room.)
Annie: Hey, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Hey guys.
Max: So Vinnie, did you have a good talk with A.J.?
Vinnie: Yeah, Payne, I did. (sees the dominoes on the table) Playin' dominoes again. Why ain't I surprised?
Max: I'm gonna keep playing like a bull terrier until I beat Kaufman.
Kaufman: (confessional) This is getting boring, but Max keeps insisting on playing me.
Vinnie: (confessional) Man, all Payne ever does is play that damn domino game. It's getting annoying, all that slapping down on the table and s(bleep)t. Hey... I got an idea. Kaufman owes me a favor for keepin' my mouth shut about the tape. Hmmm...
Vinnie: Hey Kaufman, when you get a chance, can I talk to ya for a sec.
Kaufman: Okay. (slaps down a domino) Ten. I win.
Max: Shoot.
(Kaufman gets up and follows Vinnie into the kitchen.)
Vinnie: (whispering) Kaufman, do you remember how I kept my mouth shut about the tape?
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.
Vinnie: And you remember how I said that I'd expect the favor returned?
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.
Vinnie: Well, this is your chance to pay me back.
Kaufman: What do I gotta do?
Vinnie: Kaufman... I want you to take a dive.
Kaufman: What?
Vinnie: Next game of dominoes... I want you to let Payne win.
Kaufman: (confessional) I don't take dives. No way, no how.
Kaufman: I don't know. I don't feel right about this.
Vinnie: Okay. If that's how ya feel about it. Hey guyyys! I got something to show ya!
Kaufman: (cupping his hand over Vinnie's mouth, whispering) Shut up, shut up, shut up! All right, I'll do it. Just don't tell anyone about the tape. Pleeeeeeease.
Vinnie: You promise to let Payne win next game?
Kaufman: Yes.
Vinnie: Then you're little secret's safe with me. (Does buttoning motion over his mouth)
Kaufman: Thank you.
(Mona enters)
Mona: So what do you have to show us Vinnie?
Vinnie: Huh?
Mona: Vinnie, you just called us all and said you had something to show us.
Vinnie: Oh, ahhhh, my new Captain Baseball Bat Boy t-shirt. Very nice, huh?
Mona: (sighs) Cut it out, will ya? We're busy.
Vinnie: (grins a bit) Sorry.
(Mona leaves, followed by Vinnie and Kaufman. Vinnie joins Annie and Mike on the sofa, while Kaufman rejoins Max at the table.)
Kaufman: (confessional) Let's get this over with. I'm gonna hate doing this.
Kaufman: Another game, Max?
Max: Let's go. I've been waiting like the excommunicated in Purgatory for another game.
(The two begin to play. They start slapping down one domino after another on the table. Unbeknownst to Max, Kaufman is holding back his best dominoes, allowing Max to score unbelievably high.)
Max: (slaps down a domino, grinning) Ten.
Kaufman: You're winning.
Max: I told you I was gonna win someday.
(Kaufman slaps down a domino, followed by Max, which gives him ten more points.)
Max: Ten.
(The two continue to play. Kaufman runs out of dominoes, while Max slaps down his last domino. This gives him the points he needs to win.)
Max: Woohoo! Ten! I win!
(Max jumps up from the table and does a little victory dance. Kaufman just watches, unfazed by it.)
Max: (singsong) I win! I win! Who da man? Who da man?
(Everyone else is flabbergasted – they've never seen Max so excited before. Kaufman acts as though he is taking it all in stride.)
Kaufman: Congratulations.
Max: Thanks, Kaufman. My pleasure.
Max: (confessional) Wow. I don't think I've ever gotten so excited before. I came out of the shell of my cool exterior like a rabbit from its protective hole. But I can't help it – I beat Kaufman. It's the day I've been waiting for ever since Kaufman first came here.
Kaufman: (confessional) This sucks. I could have easily beaten Max. And Mama taught me never to take a dive for anyone. But I had to, to protect my secret.
(We see Max continue to celebrate, until he catches the rest of the group watching him, completely dumbfounded. He regains his composure.)
Max: Oh, uhh, hey guys.
Lisa: Max, are you okay?
Max: Oh, uh, yeah, I'm fine. I guess I just got a little excited.
Annie: A little excited.
Max: Well, yeah. I finally beat Kaufman like Pee-Wee Herman in a movie theater.
Kaufman: Don't push it, Max.
Max: Sorry, Kaufman. Congratulations. Good game. (shakes his hand)
(A little later)
Vinnie: So what does everyone wanna do tonight?
Mona: Hmm... haven't thought much about it? Anyone got any ideas?
Lisa: I'm stumped.
Annie: Mike, you got anything?
Mike: Nope.
Kaufman: I know a place.
Max: You do? What kind of place is it?
(Moaner Moaner XXX Club, Soho, evening)
(We see the gang enter the strip club. They have mixed reactions.)
Annie: Oh god, Kaufman. A booby bar?
Vinnie: Ahh, Kaufman, normally I'd be all for this, but I'm goin' out with A.J. now, so this might not be such a good idea.
Max: I don't know. Stick around. It could turn out to be fun.
Mike: (noticing a beautiful girl dancing topless) Hey, these girls are beautiful. (sees Annie glaring at him) But they can't compare to you.
(Annie blushes a bit.)
Mona: Y'know, I might be willing to stick around. It's kinda fun to watch these girls.
Max: Mona?
Mona: No, I'm just saying. It's kinda funny to see girls with oversized boobs make fools of themselves.
Lisa: Well, be that as it may, I don't think I should be here. It might creep my husband out.
Mona: And how do you know that?
Max: Yeah, Lisa. He might get turned on like a switch by the idea.
Kaufman: Are we staying or what?
Max: I'll stay.
Mike: Come on Annie, just give it a try.
Annie: (sighs) A'right, but just for a little while.
Vinnie: I'll stay too, but no one tell A.J., okay?
Max: Of course not, Vinnie.
Mona: Yeah, what happens here stays here.
Lisa: I still think this is a bad idea... but I'll stay too, for you guys.
Kaufman: Cool.
(The gang finds a seat at a table near the stage. Soon the girl on stage finishes dancing and leaves the stage. The owner of the strip club then comes out with a microphone – it's Mr. Corcoran, the fat bald dead guy from the swanky apartments in MP2.)
Mr. Corcoran: That was the lovely luscious Star, ladies and gentleman. Let's have a big hand for her. (cheers from the audience) Now it's time for our amateur hour. This is open to females AND males, so don't be shy. Anybody out there wanna perform their best nude dance for our lovely audience tonight? We give out cash prizes for the best performance.
Kaufman: Let's go, guys.
Vinnie: What? No freakin' way.
Max: I'm with Vinnie. I'm about as comfortable doing this as sliding down a razor blade into a pool of alcohol.
Mike: C'mon guys. I'll try it, why can't you?
Mr. Corcoran: Nobody wants to come up and show off their assets for the crowd.
Kaufman: This'll be fun.
Mike: Yes, I'll do it for Annie.
Mona: C'mon, Max. Go up there... for me. (bats eyes feigning seduction)
Max: (confessional) Once again, Mona used her charms on me, coaxing me into doing this like a Vegas hypnotist coaxes a tourist into acting like a chicken.
Max: Oh, all right. All right, I'll do it.
Mona: Thanks, Max.
Kaufman: Vinnie?
Vinnie: (sighs) All right, I'll go up, but you guys don't tell A.J., okay?
Mona: Vinnie, what did I say when we got here?
Vinnie: (corners of his mouth turn up just a bit) "What happens here stays here."
Mona: Right.
Kaufman: Cool. (to Mr. Corcoran) Hey! Over here!
Mr. Corcoran: And we have a volunteer. Oh wait, we have four volunteers.
Familiar voice: (OS) Make that five!
(The group turns to see at the bar... Vladimir!)
Max: Vlad! (the gang runs over to see him)
Mike: Hey, Vladimir. What are you doing here?
Vladimir: I snuck away for a night out. Winterson thinks I'm out threshing grain.
Lisa: Whoa. You'd better hope she buys it.
Mona: And her parents too.
Vinnie: So you're joinin' us onstage, huh?
Vladimir: Sure, if you guys are going to do this, then you should have a fifth. Like in "The Full Monty."
Kaufman: Hey, let's do that.
Max: What? The Full Monty?
Kaufman: Sure.
Vladimir: That is a good idea.
Vinnie: Might as well. We're goin' up there already.
Mike: Sure. It will be fun.
Max: Well... okay.
Kaufman: Let's go, the audience is getting impatient.
(The gang goes up to the stage area. On the way, Kaufman whispers something to Mr. Corcoran. The gang goes behind the curtain and waits to be announced.)
Mr. Corcoran: All right, folks. First up for amateur night we have Max, Vladimir, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman. And they wish it to be known, ladies, that they are going for... the Full Monty.
(Loud cheering from the female audience members as the curtain opens to reveal the five guys. It is dark at first, but the stage lights turn on, illuminating them one by one. They are fully dressed, and they begin to dance as some cheesy music begins to play. As they dance, they remove parts of their clothing little by little, starting with their coats. They take off their shirts next, then their undershirts. Next they go for the pants, revealing their skivvies.)
Annie: (confessional) At first I didn't wanna come here. But seeing Mike go up there and do something like that kinda got me hot.
Mona: (confessional) I can't believe they got Max to go up there. He's doing quite well for someone so serious all the time.
(The guys continue to dance. As the music nears its end, the guys go for their skivvies. In one quick motion, all the guys' skivvies come off to reveal "the Full Monty." The ladies hoot and holler as they finish up the dance.)
Lisa: (confessional) Wow! They actually went and did it. I'm surprised... And Vinnie. That geek's been holding out on us ladies. I'll bet that A.J. chick's gonna be one happy customer, if they ever get intimate.
(The music ends, and the guys grab their clothes and disappear behind the curtains.)
Mr. Corcoran: That was Max, Vladimir, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman, doing their rendition of the Full Monty. Next up we have...
(Backstage, we see the guys putting on their clothes.)
Vladimir: Great job guys.
Kaufman: Thanks.
Mike: That was fun.
Vinnie: Yeah, it was. I'm surprised.
Max: I was worried about doing this. But now I'm as happy as a fat kid at a free candy giveaway.
(The guys are completely dressed and they go out to rejoin the girls at their table.)
(Later...)
Mr. Corcoran: Well, our judges have the results for tonight's contest. Our second prize winner, who will receive a fifty dollar gift certificate to Macy's, is... Sassy Susan, for her rendition of the naughty Catholic schoolgirl.
(The audience cheers as a girl dressed in a sexy school uniform goes up to claim her prize.)
Mr. Corcoran: Our first prize winner, who will receive $500 cash, is... Matt and Stephanie, for their rendition of bored housewife and pool man.
(A young guy and girl come up to claim their prize, amidst cheers.)
Mr. Corcoran: And our grand prize winner, who will receive a cool $1,000 cash prize, is... Max, Vlad, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman, for "the Full Monty."
(The guys are surprised as the audience cheers, especially Mona, Annie, and Lisa. They go up to get their $1,000. They immediately split it five ways.)
Mike: (confessional) Oh my gosh. We won. This is great. I'm going to use my $200 to buy Annie a nice gift. (chuckles) Maybe a cowgirl hat.
Vinnie: (confessional) I can't f(bleep)in' believe it, our group won. Now I kinda wish A.J. had seen me. I probably still shouldn't tell her, though. But I'll use my money to show her a great night. Maybe get her a gift too. Somethin' nice.
Mona: (confessional) Ohhhh... I am SOOOO turned on right now, seeing Max and all the other guys doing that, and winning. I'm so glad we did this as a group. Pretty good idea for a quiet guy like Kaufman.
MTV Announcer: Coming up... the cast members get their own shows? And where will the relationship between Vinnie and A.J. go? Stay tuned for our next episode of "The Real World."
Okay, once again, so sorry it took so long to get this out, but as always, PLEASE R&R.