Thank you everyone for reading the chapters, and for all the feedback. I'm sorry I've been so slow to update.
April 25, 2001
Something happened with Carolyn the other night. I don't really know how to explain it, and it's probably not even worth mentioning here.
We had just had dinner. I drove us back from the restaurant, got to her house. She asked me if I wanted to come up, I said okay. After that - well, it's easy to guess the rest. We had sex. It was good, I don't need to go into great detail about it. It was very good. Fun time. After that, we were just lying in her bed. I figured I'd stay the night. I had done that before, a few times, if I didn't have an early shift. So anyway, we're lying in bed. I was pretty tired, it had been a long day, I figured I'd just go to sleep. I gave her a quick kiss and said good night and kind of rolled over.
She touched my arm and I turned back towards her. She sort of ran her hands over my arms, and then she gently put her arms around me and rolled me towards her. I was sort of surprised, I mean she didn't usually do that sort of thing, but it was kind of nice, so whatever. I was fine with it. She kissed me and then she whispered in my ear, she said, "You really love that Corday woman, don't you?"
I was really surprised. I didn't think Carolyn picked up on things like that, and I didn't really know what to say. It seemed weird to lie, but it seemed even weirder to tell the truth, so I didn't say anything, I just kind of wondered for a minute what to do. She said, "It's okay." I felt even more surprised than before, and then she said, "I don't mind."
"You don't?" I said. I mean, again, I didn't really know what to say, the whole thing was just too weird. She said, "No, it's fine," and she really sounded like it was. I said, "How did you know," and she said, "I saw you at the wedding. You kept looking at her, and you just had this weird look on your face for almost the whole time. So I figured, 'If he loves her that much, and he can just look while she gets married,' well, it says something about you, Rocket. I don't know what it says, but it's something. Maybe that there's more to you than I thought."
I really didn't know what to say, I was just shocked. So I said the first thing that came to my mind. I said, "Look, Carolyn, I've given Elizabeth up. There never was really anything between us in the first place, we never went out or anything. I just had this - crush. That's all it can be, when one person loves someone else, and the other person doesn't - doesn't - return those feelings. Elizabeth is married to Mark, as you know. So I don't - I try not to - think about her anymore." The words just kept flooding out, quickly. "Except at work, because, you know, we work together. So I have to think something about her, but it's really nothing. It's just, work stuff. You know what I mean."
I looked at her in the darkness, wondering what she would say.
"I know what you mean," she said, "But that last part isn't really true."
I looked down at the pillow, ashamed. "Listen, whatever you think of me-"
"I already told you what I thought of you," she said, "I thought so, anyway."
"Oh," I said stupidly.
She reached out and touched my cheek. "I'm tired," she said. "Let's go to sleep."
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May 19, 2001
Crazy, crazy day yesterday. I'm still wiped. First we had that homicidal maniac, shooting people right and left. Son of a bitch shot Adele. She was practically pleading with me to make her okay, and I was lying and telling her she'd be fine. Well, I didn't say that, I just said that she wouldn't be paralyzed if there was anything I could do to help it, which is true. I don't know, though. It's a bad case.
Then Kerry's on my ass the whole day about her little pal Legaspi getting fired. Wanted me to undo the damage. The woman CANNOT take no for an answer, and she even came into the fucking bathroom, threatening me with what she'd do if I didn't abide by her wishes. Then she sprung her little confession on me. Wasn't prepared for that one.
Of course, my main concern was Elizabeth. That maniac was out there on the loose, and he had a score to settle with Greene, so Elizabeth was a target. I almost had a heart attack realizing that Elizabeth and her daughter could be in danger. I wanted to run out of there and look for her, but what could I do? They needed me at the hospital, so all I could do was take a deep breath and calmly suggest to Greene that he try paging her. I went on autopilot in surgery, but all I could think of was Elizabeth. If something happened to her, if she was to - I couldn't even say it, and I hated myself for being so weak and helpless, and I hated Greene because I knew somehow this had to be his fault - if he failed to protect her, if he let her get hurt. But maybe it wasn't his fault - he was no match for a lunatic. I couldn't do anything about that, could I? I don't know, I was just a wreck. We got word at the end of the day that she was okay and I was relieved, I felt lucky, but still I went home and felt wrecked. Carolyn came over, I didn't even remember that I had invited her to come over that night. She wanted to know what was wrong. All I could say was that it had been a hard day at work and I was exhausted. I let her rub my shoulders as I leaned back, feeling the tears squeeze out from underneath my closed eyes. She was good, she just sat there. I was grateful that she didn't say anything, and she just sat there quietly as I cried.
April 25, 2001
Something happened with Carolyn the other night. I don't really know how to explain it, and it's probably not even worth mentioning here.
We had just had dinner. I drove us back from the restaurant, got to her house. She asked me if I wanted to come up, I said okay. After that - well, it's easy to guess the rest. We had sex. It was good, I don't need to go into great detail about it. It was very good. Fun time. After that, we were just lying in her bed. I figured I'd stay the night. I had done that before, a few times, if I didn't have an early shift. So anyway, we're lying in bed. I was pretty tired, it had been a long day, I figured I'd just go to sleep. I gave her a quick kiss and said good night and kind of rolled over.
She touched my arm and I turned back towards her. She sort of ran her hands over my arms, and then she gently put her arms around me and rolled me towards her. I was sort of surprised, I mean she didn't usually do that sort of thing, but it was kind of nice, so whatever. I was fine with it. She kissed me and then she whispered in my ear, she said, "You really love that Corday woman, don't you?"
I was really surprised. I didn't think Carolyn picked up on things like that, and I didn't really know what to say. It seemed weird to lie, but it seemed even weirder to tell the truth, so I didn't say anything, I just kind of wondered for a minute what to do. She said, "It's okay." I felt even more surprised than before, and then she said, "I don't mind."
"You don't?" I said. I mean, again, I didn't really know what to say, the whole thing was just too weird. She said, "No, it's fine," and she really sounded like it was. I said, "How did you know," and she said, "I saw you at the wedding. You kept looking at her, and you just had this weird look on your face for almost the whole time. So I figured, 'If he loves her that much, and he can just look while she gets married,' well, it says something about you, Rocket. I don't know what it says, but it's something. Maybe that there's more to you than I thought."
I really didn't know what to say, I was just shocked. So I said the first thing that came to my mind. I said, "Look, Carolyn, I've given Elizabeth up. There never was really anything between us in the first place, we never went out or anything. I just had this - crush. That's all it can be, when one person loves someone else, and the other person doesn't - doesn't - return those feelings. Elizabeth is married to Mark, as you know. So I don't - I try not to - think about her anymore." The words just kept flooding out, quickly. "Except at work, because, you know, we work together. So I have to think something about her, but it's really nothing. It's just, work stuff. You know what I mean."
I looked at her in the darkness, wondering what she would say.
"I know what you mean," she said, "But that last part isn't really true."
I looked down at the pillow, ashamed. "Listen, whatever you think of me-"
"I already told you what I thought of you," she said, "I thought so, anyway."
"Oh," I said stupidly.
She reached out and touched my cheek. "I'm tired," she said. "Let's go to sleep."
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
May 19, 2001
Crazy, crazy day yesterday. I'm still wiped. First we had that homicidal maniac, shooting people right and left. Son of a bitch shot Adele. She was practically pleading with me to make her okay, and I was lying and telling her she'd be fine. Well, I didn't say that, I just said that she wouldn't be paralyzed if there was anything I could do to help it, which is true. I don't know, though. It's a bad case.
Then Kerry's on my ass the whole day about her little pal Legaspi getting fired. Wanted me to undo the damage. The woman CANNOT take no for an answer, and she even came into the fucking bathroom, threatening me with what she'd do if I didn't abide by her wishes. Then she sprung her little confession on me. Wasn't prepared for that one.
Of course, my main concern was Elizabeth. That maniac was out there on the loose, and he had a score to settle with Greene, so Elizabeth was a target. I almost had a heart attack realizing that Elizabeth and her daughter could be in danger. I wanted to run out of there and look for her, but what could I do? They needed me at the hospital, so all I could do was take a deep breath and calmly suggest to Greene that he try paging her. I went on autopilot in surgery, but all I could think of was Elizabeth. If something happened to her, if she was to - I couldn't even say it, and I hated myself for being so weak and helpless, and I hated Greene because I knew somehow this had to be his fault - if he failed to protect her, if he let her get hurt. But maybe it wasn't his fault - he was no match for a lunatic. I couldn't do anything about that, could I? I don't know, I was just a wreck. We got word at the end of the day that she was okay and I was relieved, I felt lucky, but still I went home and felt wrecked. Carolyn came over, I didn't even remember that I had invited her to come over that night. She wanted to know what was wrong. All I could say was that it had been a hard day at work and I was exhausted. I let her rub my shoulders as I leaned back, feeling the tears squeeze out from underneath my closed eyes. She was good, she just sat there. I was grateful that she didn't say anything, and she just sat there quietly as I cried.