Disclaimers: Once again, I don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV Networks do. I also don't own "Going for Water." Robert Frost does, and you can read it in his Going for Water book of poems ;-)
This stuff is fiction, not fact. This includes the shows.
And now for Episode XIV of Max Payne and Co. present...
The Real World
Kaufman: This is the story...
Lisa: of seven strangers...
Mike: picked to live in a house...
Annie: and have their lives taped.
Vinnie: Find out what happens...
Mona: when people stop being polite...
Max: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
(A limo, just outside of NYC, late morning)
(We see the gang riding in the back of one of the limos through the countryside, just outside the New York City limits. We hear Johnny Lee's "Lookin' for Love" playing in the CD player, and Mike and Annie are singing along to it. Everyone else is a little annoyed by it, but are putting up with it.)
Lisa: Hey guys, what's that over there?
(We see a small white building with a huge antenna by it. It says "Channel 52 – Public Access Television.")
Max: Oh, it's the public access channel.
Mike: What is the public access channel?
Mona: It's a TV station where anyone with 20 bucks can have air time.
Mike: Wow. What a great country this is. Anyone can be on TV.
Annie: Well, yeah. We on TV, ain't we?
Vinnie: Yeah, but let's go by there anyway. We could each have our own show.
Lisa: Sure. Okay. Something to do.
Max: I'm fine with it.
Mona: Me too.
Mike: I'll go too.
Annie: I guess it'll be fun. Kaufman?
Kaufman: That's cool.
Vinnie: All right.
(Vinnie signals to the driver to take them by the station. The limo turns around and pulls into the station parking lot. We see the gang exit the limo and enter the building. Max goes up to the front desk and speaks with the receptionist.)
Max: Hi. We'd like to purchase some air time.
Receptionist: Okay. One moment. Let me get our program director.
(The receptionist calls the program director. Soon he comes down, a thin guy in a suit. He greets the group, and then speaks with Max.)
Program Director: Hi. Can I help you?
Max: Yes, we'd like to purchase air time for some shows we want to do.
Program Director: Right. Let's step into my office, and we'll look at the schedule and see if we can fit you guys in.
(We see the group following Max and the program director into his office, then looking at the schedule and picking out times. We then see them setting up soundstages, gathering props, trying on wardrobes, and calling some people on cell phones.)
(The public access station, later.)
(Max & Mona's show)
Public Access Announcer (OC): And now, Public Access Channel 52 is proud to bring you... "In the Kitchen with Max and Mona."
(The lights come up to reveal Max and Mona, behind a kitchen counter with various ingredients and cooking utensils in front of them. There is a stovetop and ovens to their right.)
Max: Hello. I'm Max...
Mona: And I'm Mona...
Max: Welcome to In the Kitchen with Max and Mona.
Mona: Today we're going to be making... Mona's Explosive Chocolate Soufflé. It's so puffy, you'll swear it's about to explode.
Max: (gesturing towards the items on the counter) The first thing to remember is to always have your utensils and ingredients at hand, and well- organized. I have mine all lined up, soldiers ready to do battle against an unbaked dessert.
Mona: Right. While Max is busy thinking up his newest metaphor (laughter from audience), let's take a look at what we'll be using for today's recipe. You'll need 2 tablespoons of butter, 1/2 ounces of melted chocolate, 2 tablespoonfuls of flour, 1/4 cup of sugar, 1/4 teaspoonful of salt, 2 eggs, 3/4 cup of milk, and the secret ingredient, which makes Mona's Explosive Chocolate Soufflé "explosive."
Max: What ingredient is that, Mona?
Mona: None other than... C4. (picks up a small amount of C4 from the counter)
Max: But Mona, isn't putting C4 in a dessert a little unsafe?
Mona: Too much of it, yes. But putting just a teeny-tiny bit in and baking it gives it just the puff you need.
Max: Right. Now, let's prepare the dessert. First we put in our butter, chocolate, flour, sugar, salt, eggs, and milk. Then we beat it like a dog that just made a mistake on the living room floor. (more laughter from audience as Max runs the mixer)
Mona: After you're done mixing the other ingredients, it's time to add the C4. Now, you just want the tiniest pinch. Too much, and you could burn your dessert, not to mention your house. (laughter from audience as Mona pinches off about a pea-sized amount of the C4) There, see? Just a pea- sized amount should be plenty.
Max: Right. After you put in your C4, you'll want to hand-stir the ingredients one last time. Then, you pour your mixture into a cake pan. And now... it's ready for the fiery inferno of your oven.
Mona: You'll want to bake the soufflé at 350 degrees. (takes the cake pan with the mixture from Max and puts it in the oven) Now, we happen to have another soufflé baking already. You'll know that your soufflé is done when you hear this sound...
(We hear a loud BOOM and see a brief flash from inside the bottom oven.)
Mona: There. Our soufflé is now done.
(Mona takes out the soufflé. It is puffed up very largely.)
Max: It looks good. A balloon full of sweets designed to give your taste buds a shot of pleasure the likes of which they've never received before.
Mona: Right. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next time, where we will show how just the right amount of antifreeze can give your smoothie just the kick it needs. We'll see you then.
(Audience claps as announcer speaks.)
Public Access Announcer (OC): This has been "In the Kitchen with Max and Mona," a production of Public Access Channel 52.
(Kaufman's show)
(We hear soft classical music playing in the background, then fade out as the lights come up to reveal Kaufman, sitting in an easy chair. He is wearing his "Squeaky Cleaning Company" ball cap with a flannel smoking jacket and slacks. He is holding a book and has a pipe in his mouth, but he takes it out to speak.)
Kaufman: Hi. I'm Kaufman. Welcome to Kaufman's Poetry Corner. Here we read and discuss great works of poetry. Today, we will be reading "Going for Water," a poem by Robert Frost.
(Kaufman clears his throat as the background lights dim, leaving only a single spotlight illuminating him as he reads.)
Kaufman: The well was dry beside the door,
And so we went with pail and can
Across the fields behind the house
To seek the brook if still it ran;
Not loth to have excuse to go,
Because the autumn eve was fair
(Though chill), because the fields were ours,
And by the brook our woods were there.
We ran as if to meet the moon
That slowly dawned behind the trees,
The barren boughs without the leaves,
Without the birds, without the breeze.
But once within the wood, we paused
Like gnomes that hid us from the moon,
Ready to run to hiding new
With laughter when she found us soon.
Each laid on other a staying hand
To listen ere we dared to look,
And in the hush we joined to make
We heard, we knew we heard the brook.
A note as from a single place,
A slender tinkling fail that made
Now drops that floated on the pool
Like pearls, and now a silver blade.
(The background lights come back up as soon as Kaufman finishes reading. He takes a puff on his pipe, and then continues.)
Kaufman: (emotionless expression) That was beautiful. I'm getting teary- eyed. I need a moment... That's better. I love that poem. It reminds me of my childhood in the country with my pet sheep. We loved it when the well ran dry, because we got to go into the woods and make all sorts of mischief. We'd be late getting home with the bucket of water, and Mama would take a switch to me, but it was always worth it. And we loved bathing together in the cool brook. It was always so much fun.
Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next time, when we read and explore the works of none other than Maya Angelou. It really brings out my feminine side. Oops, I'm getting teary-eyed again...
(Soft classical music plays as the stage lights dim and "Kaufman's Poetry Corner" comes up on the TV screen, over the set.)
(Mike and Annie's show)
Public Access Announcer (OC): And now, Public Access Channel 52 is proud to bring you "It's Debatable," a show that offers differing points of view on today's hot issues. And now, your host and mediator for "It's Debatable", Mills Lane.
(Lights come up to reveal Mills Lane seated in the middle chair, with Annie seated on the left and Mike on the right.)
Mills Lane: Hello. I'm Mills Lane, and welcome to "It's Debatable." On the left, representing the liberal side, we have Annie Finn. And on the right, representing the conservative side, we have Mike the Cowboy. (to Mike and Annie) Thank you for being here today. Now let's get it on.
First topic: gun control. Your thoughts. Annie.
Annie: I'm a licensed gunsmith, a licensed dealer in firearms. And I just want to say... that we need more gun control laws. Guns are getting into the hands of more and more criminals everyday. We need laws to keep those guns out of their hands. Fewer guns on the streets, fewer shootings.
Mills Lane: Mike?
Mike: We have plenty of gun control laws, and criminals are still getting guns. What does that say? More gun control laws will only be ignored by the criminals and will hurt the law-abiding. I say that we not interfere with the second amendment, and not interfere with a person's right to defend his self against the criminals.
Annie: But if we have strong gun-control laws, then there wouldn't be a need for people to use guns to defend themselves against gun-toting thugs.
Mike: Yes there will, because the criminals will only ignore the gun- control laws, while the honest citizens will not. So they will be powerless to stop the criminals from shooting them.
Annie: (sighs) But newer gun-control laws will make it a crime to illegally own a gun. So even if a criminal does get his hands on a gun, at least he'll be caught and punished for it.
Mike: When? After he shoots a man dead. How will gun-control laws help him then? They won't prevent the man from being shot.
Annie: ARRRGH! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!
Mike: NO, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!
(Annie loses it and leaps up from her chair. She proceeds to wring Mike's neck. Mills Lane promptly breaks them up, however.)
Mills Lane: That's enough! THAT'S ENOUGH! Well, that's all the time we have today. You've been watching "It's Debatable." I'm Mills Lane, (looks at Mike and Annie) and you two are crazy.
(The lights dim as the title of the show comes up on the screen and the music plays.)
(Vinnie's show)
(We see a garage with tools wall-to-wall and a lift in the center of the floor. Hard-rocking music plays as the announcer speaks.)
Public Access Announcer (OC): Public Access Channel 52 is proud to bring you... "Make My Car Over," the makeover show for cars. And now, here is your host, Vinnie Gognitti.
(We see Vinnie come out through a door at the back of the garage, amidst audience cheers. He is wearing mechanic's coveralls.)
Vinnie: Hi. How ya doin'? Welcome to "Make My Car Over," the makeover show for cars. I'm your host, Vinnie Gognitti. Today, we will be completely making over a 2003 Honda Civic. So much so, that no one will ever be able to recognize it – not even the owners. (laughter from the audience) Bring 'er in, Fats!
(We see the garage door open and Fats drive in a blue 2003 Honda Civic. He parks it directly over the lift, then shuts off the car and gets out. Vinnie holds out his hand in anticipation of the keys, but Fats gives him nothing.)
Vinnie: Uhh, hey Fats. Where are the keys?
Fats: What keys? I had to hot...
Vinnie: Ohhh, I see! It's one of those new "keyless" cars. (glares at Fats, who disappears behind the door at the back of the garage) All right, we've got our car, we've got our paint, we've got our tools... What should we do?
Audience: (chanting) Make My Car Over!!!
(We now see Vinnie, with Fats and a couple of the other "wiseguys" helping, stripping down the car, scraping the old paint off of it, taking off the wheels, and removing many of its other parts. They take the old car's parts back behind the door at the back of the garage. We then see them re- painting the car, putting on new wheels, putting in a new engine, installing a new car stereo system, re-upholstering the car, and putting in a new ignition. They also put on a new license plate. We finally see the Honda Civic, painted hunter green, with Vinnie and the "wiseguys" proudly standing by it.)
Vinnie: Nice job guys, but I think we forgot to change out one thing.
Wiseguy #1: What could that be, Vinnie?
Wiseguy #2: We changed it out from wheel to wheel.
Fats: Yeah. We even changed the license plate.
Vinnie: Well, open the door Fats, and look inside the doorway.
(Fats opens the driver's side door, and looks in the doorway. The plate with the VIN catches his eye.)
Fats: Ohhhh! (smacks his head once) The VIN plate. It needs a new number.
Vinnie: Right. Remember, audience, if you don't change the Vehicle Identification Number, you might as well not even change anything about the car.
(We hear a police siren from outside the garage.)
Police Officer: (from outside, on a PA speaker) THIS IS THE POLICE! STEP OUT OF THE GARAGE SLOWLY WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!
Vinnie: Uh oh! Y'know what that means. We're outta time. Join us here next time for our next episode entitled "Semi-Truck Surprise." See ya!
(Vinnie and the "wiseguys" scramble out the back door as the lights dim and the title pops up on the screen.)
(Lisa's show)
(We hear mystical sitar music playing as the lights come up to reveal Lisa, seated at a small table with tarot cards on it.)
Lisa: Hi. I'm Lisa Punchinello, and welcome to "What's In the Cards?" The call-in show where I use the power of tarot cards to see what's in your future. Well, let's get right to our first caller. Hello caller, you're on the air. What's your name?
Caller #1: Hi Lisa. My name's Carm, and I live just across the river in New Jersey.
Lisa: Well, hello Carm from New Jersey. What do you want to know about your future?
Caller #1: Well, I recently separated from my husband, who was having numerous affairs with loads of women. While we were separated, I myself had an affair with my son's school guidance counselor. I mean, I was sure that divorce was imminent. But now my husband is moving back in, and it looks like he wants to get back together with me. He even seems willing to give up on his womanizing. I guess my question is... am I meant to get back together with my husband?
Lisa: Well, Carm. Let's see, I'm shuffling the cards. And I am dealing three of them. And let's see which cards come up... Okay. We have the Tower card. I would say that the Tower represents the house, yours and your husband's. And next we have... the Devil card. The Devil could be your husband. And what's the last card gonna be? (Turns it over. It is the Death card!) It's the Death card.
Caller #1: Oh no!
Lisa: Oh don't worry. It doesn't necessarily mean physical death. Even though Death comes to Everyman (smiles). I think in this case, it means the imminent death of your marriage to this guy. So what I think is this: your current marriage is not meant to be. Your husband is evil, and you are better off without him.
Caller #1: Wow! Thanks, Lisa. I'll go straight to the lawyer's office and file for divorce. Maybe I'll call my son's guidance counselor too. See if he wants to join me for coffee. Again, thanks Lisa.
Lisa: My pleasure. Okay, as I reshuffle the cards, let's hear from our next caller. Hello caller, you're on the air.
Caller #2: Howdy, Lisa. This here's Bubba. I came here to New York all the way from south Texas to visit some businessmen that wanna buy my cattle ranch. They told me that they'd pay me handsome fer it, but I'm not sure if I should. I wanna retire, and live the comfy life, but I'm not sure if I can trust these city folk. If they don't live up to their promise, then I could lose my ranch, and have nothin' to live on. But I'm worried that if I don't sell, that I'd be missing a golden opportunity. So what should I do, Lisa?
Lisa: Well, let's see. (deals three cards) First up we have... the Tower card. The Tower card could represent the building where you're supposed to meet with the businessmen.
Caller #2: Well shoot yeah. Dad gummit, it is tall.
Lisa: Right. And the second card is... the Devil. The Devil is those businessmen that want to buy your ranch from you.
Caller #2: Dad gummit to heck, I knew they was a buncha crooks.
Lisa: Uh huh. And the third card is... Death. Hmmm. The death of your economic well-being, no doubt. Bubba, don't sell your ranch. These guys are gonna cheat you. Don't even show up to the meeting. Call 'em up and tell them the deal's off. You haven't signed anything, have you?
Caller #2: No, gosh dang it! I never sign nothin' without readin' it first.
Lisa: Good. Stay on your ranch for a little while. Or see about selling it to someone else, or having someone take over the business. But don't sell it to these businessmen that want to buy it. Nothing good can come of it, I'm positive about it.
Caller #2: Okay. I won't do it. Thanks, little lady.
Lisa: My pleasure. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us again next time, where I use my tarot cards to predict how the war in Iraq will end. Until then, take care of yourself, and your future.
(The lights dim as the sitar begins playing again and the title comes up on the screen.)
(The house, that evening.)
Max: Wow. They all came out great, didn't they?
Mona: Yes, they did. I'm really impressed.
Annie: Oh, by the way, Mike, sorry about wringin' your neck on the show. I didn't mean to come unglued like that.
Mike: It's okay, Annie. No problem. I still had fun doing my own show. Especially with you.
Annie: (blushing) Awww, Mike, you so sweet.
(We hear the telephone ring.)
Max: I'll get it.
(Max runs into the kitchen and answers the phone.)
Max: Hello.
MTV Producer: Max. How's it going?
Max: Good. What's going on?
MTV Producer: Well, the Executive Producer is what's going on right now. Or rather, going through the roof. She's not too happy about you guys going on another channel and doing your own shows.
Max: What? Why?
MTV Producer: She told me that it represents a conflict of interest.
Max: How? MTV was there filming the damn thing, so it could be seen on this channel as well as the public access channel.
MTV Producer: Look, Max. I'm just the messenger. It's not my job to decide what's a conflict of interests and what isn't. Oh, and by the way, she also wasn't too happy about that party you guys threw. She says it cost us way too much money.
Max: What!? We only did that to keep the show interesting. The same way we did the public access channel today.
MTV Producer: Look, once again, I'm just the messenger. Personally, I don't mind this stuff you're doing, but the Executive Producer does.
Max: Man, this sucks like a Hoover vac. I wanna speak with the Executive Producer. Tomorrow.
MTV Producer: Okay. If that's what you want...
MTV Announcer: Coming up, on our next episode... how will the talk between the gang and the Executive Producer go? And could there be more to this than meets the eye? Stay tuned, for the next episode of "The Real World..."
As usual, please R&R, as I love getting feedback on this.