November 10, 2001
Elizabeth and Babcock had a spat today in my office over the CDC investigation. Apparently she's been snooping around in his office because she thinks he's responsible for her post-op deaths. Babcock claimed that I let her come crying to me anytime she has a problem. Stupid jerk. Is he right, though? I don't know - I admit I'm hardly objective where Elizabeth is concerned. Still, I know enough about her to know that she's an excellent surgeon and not likely to go around killing people. Anyway, the whole thing just got out of hand. I couldn't just show favortism to Elizabeth because Babcock would have whined about it, so I suspended them both from surgery until the investigation ends. I hope Elizabeth understands that I have to be careful where she's concerned; other people might pick up on my fondness for her. Does she have any idea of the depth of my feeling though? I don't think she has any clue. I doubt she even notices what I do most of the time. If I could find a way to detach myself from her totally, I would. I keep thinking one day it will happen.
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February 2, 2002
Bumped into Elizabeth in the hallway today. Literally, bumped right into her. I was coming down a corridor and she came from the right and we collided. Two charts in my hands went flying, and I bent down to pick them up. She apologized for bumping into me, said she was distracted. I told her I heard her daughter was doing well, and she agreed that Ella was a little better.
She thanked me for buying dinner for her and Mark a few nights ago, the night of the Ecstasy incident. I shrugged it off, told her it was Susan Lewis's idea, but I had been glad to okay it. Elizabeth looked confused, and said that Susan had told her it was my idea. I told her it was both of ours, really, it wasn't anything big, we just wanted to do something. Elizabeth nodded. I asked her if there was anything else I could do, she said there was nothing. I told her how sorry I was for her trouble, and she nodded again and smiled and walked down the hall.
"Lizzie," I called out, and she turned back to face me, from halfway down the hall. I walked towards her and she walked a few steps my way.
"What is it, Robert?"
What is it? I'm sorry, I love you, I'd give you the world if I could. "If there's anything I can do - I'd like to help."
She smiled a little, "Thank you," she said, and I noticed the circles under her eyes. "I appreciate the offer." She started to walk off again, then turned back, saying, "I could use a friend right now."
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March 5, 2002
Something odd with Elizabeth today. She had to go home to meet her nanny. We discussed a procedure before she left, and I asked her about some notes of hers that I needed for a paper. She said she had taken them home already, and I asked if I could call her there to discuss the paper. She mentioned something about staying in a hotel. "I've already forwarded my contact information to the nurses in the department, so if you need to reach me.....well of course the hotel is an emergency contact. It's easier if you reach me on my cell, or my pager, but the hotel is where I'll be."
She looked at me, challenging me to retort. "A hotel," I said. "Good to know."
"Yes, well, I'll be there for a while."
"So you said, Lizzie." So you said. What does this mean? Are you leaving Mark? It would appear so, wouldn't it, even to someone way slower on the uptake than I am. Then again, I don't underestimate Elizabeth, her rage, her capacity to hold grudges. A hotel doesn't mean permanence - it only means she needs to show him who's boss. I silently cheer her on, not really knowing the details, just knowing there's a lot at stake. I have no doubt that Lizzie will win this little battle of wills between herself and Mark. She's stronger than him, and better yet, she's worth keeping - he wouldn't be such a fool to let her slip away. Should I care about this? No - but it's interesting, and I wouldn't begrudge Elizabeth the chance to get what she wants, whatever that is. I think I do know what she wants from him - I just wonder if she's really thought it all through. What it will cost her - what she'll have to go through to be happy with him. I see the frustration in her eyes, the impatience, being with a man who can't match her, who lacks her passion, her toughness, her uniqueness. I see all of this, and yet I feel strangely powerless to step in and change anything. She chose this life. I couldn't convince her to do otherwise - it's not my place, and it all feels oddly like something I should leave alone.
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March 28, 2002
Today, something strange happened. Lizzie opened up to me. Well, not really - not on purpose - I just happened to be there. We were getting flooded today. Trauma calls were coming in, and no one could find her. She wasn't answering her pages. So these idiots started tracking me down, expecting me to deal with all of their problems. I did what I could, and then, sick of it, I went looking for Lizzie. She was in the third place I looked, the surgeons' lounge. Great, having a cup of coffee while everything goes to hell down there. I was about to ream her out, but then remembered all the trouble she's had lately with her baby, so I cut her some slack. I made a joke about her hiding out in the lounge, and then I realized that she'd been crying. She told me Mark's tumor is back. It's inoperable.
What could I do? I told her how sorry I was, genuinely. I really did feel awful, and I know that there's nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do, and this is the worst thing in the world for Lizzie and I feel that, I do, I feel her pain. I wanted to tell her that I'd take it away if I could, I'd shield her from all this heartbreak, but I didn't, because I know there's nothing. I'm sorry Lizzie. God, I'm sorry.
So I told her just that, that I'm so sorry this has happened. She got mad suddenly. Not at me, but at Mark, for not telling her earlier that his tumor had resurfaced. "Maybe he was protecting you," I offered. Elizabeth kind of snorted like she didn't believe it. Told me how she doesn't think she can go through this, it's too hard, and she's always been the strong one in her marriage. No arguing with that - I've known it all along. I'm surprised they've made it this far, but they have, and I'm not going to tell her what to do. I didn't say anything, I just let her talk, as she went on about how she and Mark have grown apart, and broken up, and he doesn't expect her to be there for him anyway. I just listened. I'm not going to tell her what to do.
Suddenly she looked at me. "What am I supposed to do?" she says, "Go back home to watch him die?"
"Yes," I say.
"Well, I don't think I can," she insisted.
"Is he your husband?" I said.
"Yes." Elizabeth answered.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes," she said stubbornly, trying to push back her tears. I just nodded. She stared at me, like she expected me to say something else, do something else. There wasn't anything else I could say, and it's not about me, it's about them. A weird feeling.
"Okay," Lizzie said suddenly. I looked up, surprised. "Okay," she said again, standing up and wiping her eyes. "Well, I should go - I'm going to wash my face."
"Okay," I said.
"Okay," she said, turning to leave. Suddenly she turned back. "Robert, thank you."
"I didn't do anything, Lizzie."
"I think you did," she said. She fixed me with this intense gaze, like she was trying to memorize me or something. "I think you did."
I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.
"See you later," she said. She turned to leave again, and this time she did.
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More to come soon.....please read and review. Thanks!
Elizabeth and Babcock had a spat today in my office over the CDC investigation. Apparently she's been snooping around in his office because she thinks he's responsible for her post-op deaths. Babcock claimed that I let her come crying to me anytime she has a problem. Stupid jerk. Is he right, though? I don't know - I admit I'm hardly objective where Elizabeth is concerned. Still, I know enough about her to know that she's an excellent surgeon and not likely to go around killing people. Anyway, the whole thing just got out of hand. I couldn't just show favortism to Elizabeth because Babcock would have whined about it, so I suspended them both from surgery until the investigation ends. I hope Elizabeth understands that I have to be careful where she's concerned; other people might pick up on my fondness for her. Does she have any idea of the depth of my feeling though? I don't think she has any clue. I doubt she even notices what I do most of the time. If I could find a way to detach myself from her totally, I would. I keep thinking one day it will happen.
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February 2, 2002
Bumped into Elizabeth in the hallway today. Literally, bumped right into her. I was coming down a corridor and she came from the right and we collided. Two charts in my hands went flying, and I bent down to pick them up. She apologized for bumping into me, said she was distracted. I told her I heard her daughter was doing well, and she agreed that Ella was a little better.
She thanked me for buying dinner for her and Mark a few nights ago, the night of the Ecstasy incident. I shrugged it off, told her it was Susan Lewis's idea, but I had been glad to okay it. Elizabeth looked confused, and said that Susan had told her it was my idea. I told her it was both of ours, really, it wasn't anything big, we just wanted to do something. Elizabeth nodded. I asked her if there was anything else I could do, she said there was nothing. I told her how sorry I was for her trouble, and she nodded again and smiled and walked down the hall.
"Lizzie," I called out, and she turned back to face me, from halfway down the hall. I walked towards her and she walked a few steps my way.
"What is it, Robert?"
What is it? I'm sorry, I love you, I'd give you the world if I could. "If there's anything I can do - I'd like to help."
She smiled a little, "Thank you," she said, and I noticed the circles under her eyes. "I appreciate the offer." She started to walk off again, then turned back, saying, "I could use a friend right now."
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March 5, 2002
Something odd with Elizabeth today. She had to go home to meet her nanny. We discussed a procedure before she left, and I asked her about some notes of hers that I needed for a paper. She said she had taken them home already, and I asked if I could call her there to discuss the paper. She mentioned something about staying in a hotel. "I've already forwarded my contact information to the nurses in the department, so if you need to reach me.....well of course the hotel is an emergency contact. It's easier if you reach me on my cell, or my pager, but the hotel is where I'll be."
She looked at me, challenging me to retort. "A hotel," I said. "Good to know."
"Yes, well, I'll be there for a while."
"So you said, Lizzie." So you said. What does this mean? Are you leaving Mark? It would appear so, wouldn't it, even to someone way slower on the uptake than I am. Then again, I don't underestimate Elizabeth, her rage, her capacity to hold grudges. A hotel doesn't mean permanence - it only means she needs to show him who's boss. I silently cheer her on, not really knowing the details, just knowing there's a lot at stake. I have no doubt that Lizzie will win this little battle of wills between herself and Mark. She's stronger than him, and better yet, she's worth keeping - he wouldn't be such a fool to let her slip away. Should I care about this? No - but it's interesting, and I wouldn't begrudge Elizabeth the chance to get what she wants, whatever that is. I think I do know what she wants from him - I just wonder if she's really thought it all through. What it will cost her - what she'll have to go through to be happy with him. I see the frustration in her eyes, the impatience, being with a man who can't match her, who lacks her passion, her toughness, her uniqueness. I see all of this, and yet I feel strangely powerless to step in and change anything. She chose this life. I couldn't convince her to do otherwise - it's not my place, and it all feels oddly like something I should leave alone.
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March 28, 2002
Today, something strange happened. Lizzie opened up to me. Well, not really - not on purpose - I just happened to be there. We were getting flooded today. Trauma calls were coming in, and no one could find her. She wasn't answering her pages. So these idiots started tracking me down, expecting me to deal with all of their problems. I did what I could, and then, sick of it, I went looking for Lizzie. She was in the third place I looked, the surgeons' lounge. Great, having a cup of coffee while everything goes to hell down there. I was about to ream her out, but then remembered all the trouble she's had lately with her baby, so I cut her some slack. I made a joke about her hiding out in the lounge, and then I realized that she'd been crying. She told me Mark's tumor is back. It's inoperable.
What could I do? I told her how sorry I was, genuinely. I really did feel awful, and I know that there's nothing I can do, nothing anyone can do, and this is the worst thing in the world for Lizzie and I feel that, I do, I feel her pain. I wanted to tell her that I'd take it away if I could, I'd shield her from all this heartbreak, but I didn't, because I know there's nothing. I'm sorry Lizzie. God, I'm sorry.
So I told her just that, that I'm so sorry this has happened. She got mad suddenly. Not at me, but at Mark, for not telling her earlier that his tumor had resurfaced. "Maybe he was protecting you," I offered. Elizabeth kind of snorted like she didn't believe it. Told me how she doesn't think she can go through this, it's too hard, and she's always been the strong one in her marriage. No arguing with that - I've known it all along. I'm surprised they've made it this far, but they have, and I'm not going to tell her what to do. I didn't say anything, I just let her talk, as she went on about how she and Mark have grown apart, and broken up, and he doesn't expect her to be there for him anyway. I just listened. I'm not going to tell her what to do.
Suddenly she looked at me. "What am I supposed to do?" she says, "Go back home to watch him die?"
"Yes," I say.
"Well, I don't think I can," she insisted.
"Is he your husband?" I said.
"Yes." Elizabeth answered.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes," she said stubbornly, trying to push back her tears. I just nodded. She stared at me, like she expected me to say something else, do something else. There wasn't anything else I could say, and it's not about me, it's about them. A weird feeling.
"Okay," Lizzie said suddenly. I looked up, surprised. "Okay," she said again, standing up and wiping her eyes. "Well, I should go - I'm going to wash my face."
"Okay," I said.
"Okay," she said, turning to leave. Suddenly she turned back. "Robert, thank you."
"I didn't do anything, Lizzie."
"I think you did," she said. She fixed me with this intense gaze, like she was trying to memorize me or something. "I think you did."
I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.
"See you later," she said. She turned to leave again, and this time she did.
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More to come soon.....please read and review. Thanks!