Kalie,

I know you told me you want to keep your past to yourself, but what could be so horrible that you can't tell me? If it's nothing illegal or horrifying, why hide it? I've shared a great deal of mine, isn't it right to give in return to all I've given you? Normally I'm not that selfish, but I just want to know you. YOU, not the person I see every so often. Not even in your letters. I want to know the real you. Is that such a big thing to ask for?

I'm asking again if you would give something of yourself. I don't even need to know all of it, just tell me the happier parts of your life if you wish. Anything is better than nothing isn't it?

You're right in saying that it's hard to write letters such as these, when all our others have been of humor and playing around. But...would you just consider this a favor and do it for me if I asked? Then consider it asking...please?

Inaki

December 2, 2097

Short, precise, and to the point.

Dull green stared at the page resting on her desk and resisted the urge to drop her head on the surface. Exhaustion like none other, except what she felt when she was eighteen, pulled at her body. It weighed down her head, her eyelids, her heart.

Why didn't Inaki just give it a rest? Didn't she just tell him she didn't want to share ANY of her past so he could know her now and not who she really was? Her jaw clenched and a hand snatched up the letter. She was so tired of being badgered for something like this! Couldn't everyone just leave her alone about it??

Her fist crumpled the sheet and she stared at the two halves sticking from her fist.

Tell good things from her past?? 'WHAT good things?! There ARE no good things!' Angrily, she crumpled the paper further and threw it with all her might across the room. She knew she wouldn't do any damage with a single piece of paper, but the small hope was always there that she'd knock something over. It got to the middle of the floor - barely halfway to her bed - before taking a sharp dive and stopping on beige carpeting.

Nothing...there WAS nothing! There never HAD been! Her life was PATHETIC and she wanted to stop knowing her past! Why didn't anyone SEE that?! Nails dug into her skin as she glared at the ball. Her vision swam and she mentally berated herself. What good would crying do her NOW?

Green squeezed shut as she took the deepest breath she could muster, finding it shake a little. That just proved how badly she needed to calm down.

When she exhaled and her eyes opened again, she firmly strode over and grabbed the ball. She straightened the paper a little and put it back on the desk, running over it with a thumbnail to get the wrinkles out. The words stared at her and she pressed down harder in her frustration...eventually putting a nice little hole in the center where his writing was.

Her face smoothed as she held up the paper and stared at the wall through it. That wasn't the BEST of ideas she ever had...

A deep sigh sounded as a hand tossed the paper in some direction while she slumped to the carpet. She leaned against the back of the desk chair and drew both knees to her chest. This was her...the real her. Why should she tell Inaki about it? She'd just drive him away because of how pitiful and sad she acted half the time.

'Which is why you will never tell him.' She darkly ordered, eyes narrowing. 'NEVER show him this! He would withdraw...be horrified, disgusted... He'd never want to talk to you again and then the only friend you'd have left would be Sam.'

She didn't really take into account Hal and Sheryl because she rarely saw them. They didn't keep in contact unless she visited. How could she consider that friends?

Her forehead dropped to her knees with another tiny sigh.

When had she gotten so pathetic that she'd let her life get the best of her? She always thought she could get out of the funks, could pretend they didn't exist if she didn't act that way. But, if she never acted down, it would build up until it overwhelmed her.

'It'll overwhelm me ANYWAY.' She retorted, feeling eyes and nose sting. 'There's too much bad and not enough good in my life. I'll NEVER get away from it.'

She was tired of feeling this way. She'd gone down this road more than once and more than once she'd nearly lost. She'd nearly given up on it all. But what was the point in holding on to anything when the one person you nearly fell in love with manipulated you so bad? She sniffed, feeling anger again. No one deserved to be treated that way! The things he said...how low he made her feel - whether he knew he was doing it or NOT...

'I hate him. I hate him for making me feel this way and the way he twisted me in the past. I'll never forgive him for that!'

But...she did almost fall in love with him. That was something she never took lightly and didn't throw around. Love was a major deal with her. She didn't even tell her own mother she loved her! She didn't feel close enough to, though they were mother and daughter...

That was the most pathetic bit in the world where a mother couldn't hear that from their child...but she just couldn't. It was very hard for her to say that in the past half decade. When she was young and innocent, it was so easy. She had no clue about the world and its horrors...and she didn't know exactly what her father was doing at the time.

Her arms laxed and she fell to the ground, landing with a muted thump. Green emotionlessly stared at the nightstand across the way. A hand moved into her field of vision and stopped as if it too was tired. Sleep sounded good right now. An escape from all this...just get away, fall asleep, and she'd feel better. Except it was only five in the evening and she didn't have to go to sleep for hours.

That was always a used excuse. It was becoming a crutch, but she didn't care. Anything to get away from this dead feeling of nothing. Just like she imagined her unblinking, unfocused eyes were.

Empty.

She curled up a little against the coolness in the room and green inched closed. A nap did sound good right now, even if it was for the wrong reasons. She was so worn out with it all...if she could just sleep...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

"I...I'm just so tired of it all... I just want to sleep. Forever. Can't you go away and pretend you didn't see any of this?"

"No fucking WAY! Give me that! Are you CRAZY!? What's the MATTER with you?!"

"...You don't want to know."

"Of COURSE I do! I want to know a very damn good reason why you had such a dangerous weapon like THIS in your hand!! And you WILL tell me because I'm NOT budging even if my life depends on it! And so does yours, so start SPILLING."

Green shot open. Even after a year, she could still see the small gleam of steel when it was waved in front of her face from all that gesturing.

She'd been so sure. It was such a good plan. The end result was she wouldn't have to feel so pained and worthless, and everyone would stay away so she could sleep and feel peace forever. But Sam ruined it.

It wasn't the girl's fault really. Seeing anyone with her hard-working front in such a compromising position would've pissed and shocked the hell out of them. If Sam hadn't stepped in...

It wasn't the best idea to try it in the house. But there was nowhere else to go that she wanted to be where other people were considered. She wanted it to be private and not make such a fuss. There wasn't much thought planned in where other people were concerned. At the time, after a long mental debate, she didn't give a damn about others. Some of those people out there MADE her like this. Why should she care about what they helped create?

But she also didn't think of Sam, or her mother, or the entire Merth family. She just knew pain and she didn't want to anymore. She had enough of it during the end with Brad and also her father. It seemed ever since she was fourteen she had nothing but horrible relationships of ANY kind.

But before that age...it had been a little better, though not much. Studying to get away from the fighting or just get away. She was alone in the house a lot, and had nothing else to do except watch tv. Her mother always insisted she study hard to get a good education...so did that mean her mother was partly responsible for this adult?

But she couldn't hate her mother for making her think studying equaled importance. When she was a kid, she didn't know any better. She was praised for getting such good marks and partially studied for that, as she was home with both parents working to afford what they could in the beginning. They always told her because she was so shy, but well behaved, that they could trust her to be home alone and not burn the house down.

That'd been a bold move on their part. They never even knew of the gash in the wall in the basement she covered up from carrying too many books and taking out some of the sheetrock. They never knew of the remaining stain she could still see on the living room carpet that never fully got scrubbed out. They were always so tired at night, and as a result, never sat down a lot as a family and have dinner. If they did eat together - it was fast but greasy. Tv dinners or something out of a box. Her mother was a working woman and too busy to cook something even half an hour long. Which was where she learned to cook all those odd dishes she loved. When her parents allowed her to cook actual food instead of microwave items or leftovers from the fridge, she practiced in her spare time. She had to because they weren't there to do it for her.

Was it such a crime that she grew up the way she did? If there was any love in that house, she was too young or not born yet to know of it. She was independent at a very young age - not even teenage years technically - and it was all she knew now. She did as much as she could and hated it when others did things she could just as easily do, unless she let them in a rare lazy moment.

And she also had no real affection for some things. Animals - yes, friendly people - yes, guys to love...that was something that took quite a while. Perhaps, had she had the love of her father, or even more from her mother, she would've been better off. Even if she possibly wouldn't do as good in school, the sacrifice would've been worth it.

The quiet buzzed in her ears and her eyes focused back to the present. Green blinked a few times before she slowly sat up and looked to the sheet of paper near her feet. A hand numbly went for it.

...what could be so horrible that you can't tell me? If it's nothing illegal or horrifying, why hide it?

Hide it? She wanted to bury it. This person she was now shouldn't exist, but by all means it did.

...just tell me the happier parts of your life if you wish. Anything is better than nothing isn't it?

Green closed. There was little to none. She assumed there were some better parts to her life. Sure, there were plenty in the beginning with Brad and a few times she spent the summers with her dad in northern Florida just after the divorce. But those memories were nothing but fading recollections she could barely grasp anymore. All she remembered was the bad now...

...would you just consider this a favor and do it for me if I asked? Then consider it asking.

Her eyes narrowed. How presumptuous to think he could get away with something like that. What made him think he was that close to her that he could ask and she would give? She wasn't the kind of person who jumped when called to.

'Not anymore.' She hissed. 'Never again and HELL no!'

...please?

The inner rage died as fast as it appeared. Her anger was directed at him and it shouldn't be. He was asking about something he thought was innocent when that was NOT the case. Her head briefly hung before she lay on her back, resting the paper over her face.

She didn't know what to do anymore. It seemed that as soon as she gave Inaki a chance, he went and screwed her life up. Of course, she'd never met anyone like him before, having never dated any type of oriental guys. Maybe they held different standards and he was forgetting that with her. But that still didn't help him. She would NEVER give this up! If it depressed her by the mere tips of this iceberg, why should she think he would be okay with this?

'He'll give me the worst look of 'okay, you're a nutball' and run as fast as he can back to Andytown. He'll never want to write to me again. Then I'd be down to my last and only friend.' A humorless snort nearly blew the sheet off her face. 'And she wonders why she's my best friend. She's the only one who's stuck AROUND.'

The door suddenly opened and she nearly jumped out of her skin.

"What are you doing on the floor? And what's with the paper over your face?"

The curious, bemused voice never failed to lift her spirits, even a little. A smile popped up, even if she still very much didn't feel like smiling. "I'm reading it through osmosis."

"Ha ha, very funny. Seriously, I thought you were just going to read Inaki's letter and respond before we got to the movies?"

That's right...it was Sunday. "Lost track of time." She mumbled, white still clouding her vision.

Sam huffed. "If you weren't so organized, I'd call you a slacker. Did you write him yet?" Her head shook and dislodged the paper. She sat up and swiped it before standing. "Are you going to tonight?"

Green went to the clock on her nightstand. Her lips pursed. "Give me...ten, maybe fifteen minutes."

Light blue met green and Sam paused. The two stared at each other for what seemed the longest time, before Sam's hand finally twitched on the doorknob. A leg started edging backward. "Okay... I'll give you fifteen max, then I'm coming back in."

"If that's a threat, you'd have more pull if you decided act serious for a while." Sam's tongue stuck out before she closed the door.

She gave a quiet snort and plopped into the chair. 'Time to get to work before she gets suspicious.'

Sam was able to read her to an extent, and it was a wonder the elder hadn't so far. Ever since that day, Sam always seemed paranoid of her mindset deep down...

Inaki,

I'm sorry to say that I am going to deny your second request. In my last letter I told you I didn't want to give any of my past away for many reasons, moreover I'd like not to tell you about. I also asked that you not ask me anymore about it. PLEASE STOP ASKING ME.

I don't want to fight with you on this because it's not worth it to know. Honestly, there's nothing good about my past to ask, so I don't even have the good parts. That's all you need to know there, and I've actually said too much.

I'm sorry if I've made you angry or frustrated. I assume you are because I've gotten that before. You can think what you want, I can't stop you.

I'd like to return to the way we are if you don't mind. I liked that before my life was brought up. We had so much fun then, didn't we? Couldn't we just go back to that and forget this ever came up?

I have to go now because it's Sunday and you know what that means. Plus Sam is threatening to do something to me, so I'd better go before she finds some way to make me miserable. What are best friends for huh?

K

December 7, 2097

Short, precise, and to the point.

She looked at the half page letter, feeling like she should add something, before folding it into the envelope and letting it sit open before getting from her desk.

She honestly did NOT want to get into a fight with him on this. Arguing never got anywhere with someone as stubborn as her. He wasn't going to make her tell by simply asking or even ordering her.

The ones who knew anything about her past were part of it, and those she told knew fragments that didn't connect to anything on purpose. She didn't gossip about it. Those that knew anything at all were Hal, Sheryl, the Merths, Chance, and of course Sam. The only people who meant so much to her in life. Her mother didn't really count, as the woman was so out of the loop it was safe to say she probably still considered her daughter a hard-working, polite, friendly, and mildly outgoing person with nothing else to it.

How wrong that assumption was...