Elizabeth continued to read the journal entries. She noticed that after Robert's accident, the entries changed. They were shorter sometimes. Some of them were undated.
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I haven't written in this thing in a while. I've had more important things to do.
What can I say? I don't have much. Just this incredible pain. Other people have car accidents. I had to have this happen. That's my luck for you.
I walked away, yeah, but I am really still alive?
Not if I don't get the function in my arm back.
That's it for now, I need some more Advil. I don't have time for this crap.
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October 8, 2002
Physical therapy today, and an unexpected surprise.
Elizabeth. She's back. Maybe my luck is changing for the better? I don't know why she decided to come back, we didn't have time to get into it. Maybe she missed Chicago, I don't know. Chicago or London - they both have crappy weather, maybe she just chose County over her father's hospital, or maybe she missed her house or something. Who knows.
But seeing that face. Those blue eyes, I'd forgotten how beautiful they were. Her red hair in that loose cascade of curls. Her smile, the way it just lit up the whole room and made it better.
She actually seemed glad to see me, too, although I may have been imagining it. She asked me how I was doing, I told her, tried to ask how she was. She didn't answer, just changed the subject, and then she had to go for a consult. It was great to see her, but I couldn't help feeling a little...I don't know. Disappointed? I remembered how vulnerable she'd been when Mark died, how she almost clung to me for support. I guess I liked that, feeling her closeness, despite the circumstances. Seeing her today, I doubted she'd ever need anything from me again. Lizzie. She's tough as nails, she doesn't need anyone, least of all me.
It's been hours, but I can still smell her perfume, still remember the way her hair looked in the light.
Lizzie.
The first good thing in months.
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October 31, 2002
I messed up. I was thinking about that kid, and not wanting him to lose his leg, and then I thought about how my arm might be as good as gone, after Marty's odds. I guess I should have known he'd say something like that, but I was still really shocked. I didn't think the odds were so low, not for me. If I can't do surgery I'm screwed, there's nothing left for me. I might as well cease to exist. It's like I already do cease to exist around County. I couldn't even help much in the ER, let alone operate. It's not like I'm valuable around there.
So, Lizzie came in and tried to cheer me up, in this really lame way, but she was trying, so...I opened up to her. Before I even knew what I was saying, I was telling her about all my fears and doubts, about maybe not being able to do surgery. I guess I choked up a little, and she knelt down in front of me, and she said I was an excellent surgeon, and that I would be again. She even promised me it would happen, and she took my hand in both of hers, and I guess it got to me. She's the closest thing I have to a friend around that place, and I was feeling really lost, so without thinking I reached out and stroked her cheek.
She was upset, I could tell. She jumped up and said she was being paged, and she practically sprinted out of the room. I felt really bad but I didn't want to go after her, that would have just made it worse. God, I mean, after all the shit in the past with Elizabeth, I wasn't even trying anything in the lounge, I really wasn't, and I'm sure she thought I was taking advantage of her, but I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to at all, and it didn't even matter, because she obviously thought I was the biggest heel. I tried to make it up to her later - she had lost her wedding ring, and I was able to get it back for her. She thanked me and I tried to apologize, I told her it was just a weak moment and it wouldn't happen again.
I don't know if she believed me, but she said something about how I would work through this. She was standing there with her daughter in her arms and they both looked so lovely, and I just felt so sad, because obviously Elizabeth doesn't want anything to do with me, that's what she meant by "You'll work through this." Like, "You'll work through this -- alone. Because I don't want any part of it." I couldn't even blame her, because what was I to her? I wasn't her friend or her relative, and I certainly wasn't her boyfriend or her husband. So I didn't blame her for pulling away -- it hurt, but I understood. So, that was it. I told her goodnight, and she said goodnight. I'm really going to try to keep a safe distance. I know I've said that before but I really do mean it.
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I haven't written in this thing in a while. I've had more important things to do.
What can I say? I don't have much. Just this incredible pain. Other people have car accidents. I had to have this happen. That's my luck for you.
I walked away, yeah, but I am really still alive?
Not if I don't get the function in my arm back.
That's it for now, I need some more Advil. I don't have time for this crap.
*************************************************************************************************************************************************************
October 8, 2002
Physical therapy today, and an unexpected surprise.
Elizabeth. She's back. Maybe my luck is changing for the better? I don't know why she decided to come back, we didn't have time to get into it. Maybe she missed Chicago, I don't know. Chicago or London - they both have crappy weather, maybe she just chose County over her father's hospital, or maybe she missed her house or something. Who knows.
But seeing that face. Those blue eyes, I'd forgotten how beautiful they were. Her red hair in that loose cascade of curls. Her smile, the way it just lit up the whole room and made it better.
She actually seemed glad to see me, too, although I may have been imagining it. She asked me how I was doing, I told her, tried to ask how she was. She didn't answer, just changed the subject, and then she had to go for a consult. It was great to see her, but I couldn't help feeling a little...I don't know. Disappointed? I remembered how vulnerable she'd been when Mark died, how she almost clung to me for support. I guess I liked that, feeling her closeness, despite the circumstances. Seeing her today, I doubted she'd ever need anything from me again. Lizzie. She's tough as nails, she doesn't need anyone, least of all me.
It's been hours, but I can still smell her perfume, still remember the way her hair looked in the light.
Lizzie.
The first good thing in months.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************
October 31, 2002
I messed up. I was thinking about that kid, and not wanting him to lose his leg, and then I thought about how my arm might be as good as gone, after Marty's odds. I guess I should have known he'd say something like that, but I was still really shocked. I didn't think the odds were so low, not for me. If I can't do surgery I'm screwed, there's nothing left for me. I might as well cease to exist. It's like I already do cease to exist around County. I couldn't even help much in the ER, let alone operate. It's not like I'm valuable around there.
So, Lizzie came in and tried to cheer me up, in this really lame way, but she was trying, so...I opened up to her. Before I even knew what I was saying, I was telling her about all my fears and doubts, about maybe not being able to do surgery. I guess I choked up a little, and she knelt down in front of me, and she said I was an excellent surgeon, and that I would be again. She even promised me it would happen, and she took my hand in both of hers, and I guess it got to me. She's the closest thing I have to a friend around that place, and I was feeling really lost, so without thinking I reached out and stroked her cheek.
She was upset, I could tell. She jumped up and said she was being paged, and she practically sprinted out of the room. I felt really bad but I didn't want to go after her, that would have just made it worse. God, I mean, after all the shit in the past with Elizabeth, I wasn't even trying anything in the lounge, I really wasn't, and I'm sure she thought I was taking advantage of her, but I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to at all, and it didn't even matter, because she obviously thought I was the biggest heel. I tried to make it up to her later - she had lost her wedding ring, and I was able to get it back for her. She thanked me and I tried to apologize, I told her it was just a weak moment and it wouldn't happen again.
I don't know if she believed me, but she said something about how I would work through this. She was standing there with her daughter in her arms and they both looked so lovely, and I just felt so sad, because obviously Elizabeth doesn't want anything to do with me, that's what she meant by "You'll work through this." Like, "You'll work through this -- alone. Because I don't want any part of it." I couldn't even blame her, because what was I to her? I wasn't her friend or her relative, and I certainly wasn't her boyfriend or her husband. So I didn't blame her for pulling away -- it hurt, but I understood. So, that was it. I told her goodnight, and she said goodnight. I'm really going to try to keep a safe distance. I know I've said that before but I really do mean it.