Disclaimers: Don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do.
This stuff is fiction, not fact.
Without further adieu, allow me to present Episode XVII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Vinnie: picked to live in a house...
Annie: and have their lives taped.
Mike: Find out what happens...
Kaufman: when people stop being polite...
Lisa: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York...
(We see the men's section of the jail cell again, full of smoke and flying bullets. Max, Kaufman, Vinnie, and Mike are hiding under their bunks, while trying to see what is going on.)
Vinnie: (shouting to be heard above the gunfire) Can you see anything, Payne?
Max: No. There's too much smoke from the explosion.
(We see a guard getting shot very close to Max and Kaufman's cell. From the smoke opposite the guard emerges one man, dressed in a light blue jumpsuit. The back reads "Squeaky Cleaning Company.")
Cleaner #1: Stand back!
(The guys do so as the cleaner places a small explosive over the lock on the cell. He then detonates it, blowing off the lock. He does the same to Vinnie and Mike's cell door, then opens both of the doors.)
Cleaner #1: Let's go. Hurry!
(The guys hustle out of their cells. Several other cleaners join the one that blew the cell doors, and they cover the guys as they escape out through the hole in the wall into a parking garage. There are several "Squeaky Cleaning Company" vans revving, waiting to go.)
Mike: What is this? These look like your guys, Kaufman.
Kaufman: I dunno. I didn't call 'em.
(Out of a second hole in another wall emerge Mona, Annie, and Lisa, also flanked by several cleaners.)
Max: Mona!
Mona: Max!
Cleaner #2: C'mon. We have to move.
Annie: Wait a minute. What are you guys doin' with guns? What's going on here?
A familiar voice: (from inside one of the vans) Bang! You're dead, Max Payne!
(The side door of the van opens to reveal... Vladimir!)
Max: Vlad?
Vladimir: Get in the back. Hurry! We'll talk later.
Killer Suit #1: All right, folks. Show's over!
(The cleaners, Vladimir, and the gang turn around to see a whole group of killer suits with M4's drawn, aiming at the crowd.)
Killer Suit #1: Did you guys really think you were just gonna walk out of here? Start walking back inside now, and we just might let you live.
(We hear the cocking of a shotgun hammer, followed by another familiar voice.)
Another familiar voice: Guess again, goldilocks.
(The killer suit turns around to see... Cooter, Winterson's father. He is wearing his overalls and cap, with his double-barrel shotgun and his XXX jug, which he occasionally takes a swig from.)
Killer Suit #2: Drop him.
Killer Suit #3: No way, dude.
Killer Suit #2: Whattya mean "no way?" It's just one guy.
Killer Suit #3: Yeah, but he's drunk, and a redneck. I ain't messin' with him.
Other Suits: Me either... No way, pal...
Cooter: You boys drop them guns now.
(The cleaners use this opportunity to pick up their guns, and they join Cooter in aiming at the group of killer suits. The suits then decide to do what Cooter says.)
Cooter: We're gittin' outta here. And don't you boys try'n follow us, or I'll mount you over my fireplace.
(Cooter, the cleaners, Vladimir, and the gang sidle over to the vans, quickly get in, then speed off. The suits pick up their guns and shoot at them, but to no avail.)
(One of the cleaner vans, a few minutes later.)
(We see all seven of the gang in the back, as well as Vladimir and Cooter. One of the cleaners is driving. The other cleaners are in other vans, following behind.)
Max: So what are your cleaners doing with military hardware, Kaufman?
Kaufman: I don't know. I didn't know they had it.
Vladimir: That was my doing. I knew I would need a small army to get you guys out of jail, and Kaufman's cleaners seemed to meet the amount of manpower. I was able to whip them into shape very quickly. I used to be in the Russian Army, y'know.
Vinnie: Wow. That is somethin'.
Vladimir: But I can't take all the credit for orchestrating your escape. You should thank Winterson. She called me about it. Plus one other person also contributed to the operation. You'll meet him when we get where we're going.
Mona: And where's that?
Vladimir: We're going to lie low at Winterson's parents' farm for a while. It's out in the country with many acres. There will be plenty of places to hide.
Max: Hey Vlad, can you change the radio to the news station?
Vladimir: Sure, Max.
(Vladimir turns the tuner dial until he hits the news station. We hear coverage of the White House hostage situation.)
Kyra Silver: (over the radio) ... as the White House hostage situation continues. An armed group had seized control of the White House early last night, taking the President and several members of his staff hostage. The group, led by one Nicole Horne, has demanded access to all military intelligence files and one billion dollars. The Pentagon, as of yet, has stood firm in its decision to not make concessions of any kind to the hostage-takers. The group still has yet to give a deadline. For NYNN Radio, this is Kyra Silver...
Max: So I guess you heard about this?
Vladimir: Yes. I know all about it. I and my associate can both give you information about the situation, and about your enemy, that you won't get from the news.
(A little later...)
(We see the vans, way out in the country, pull up a long driveway into Cooter and Mildred Winterson's farm. The vans park in one of the barns. While the cleaners leave Vladimir and the rest of the group to secure the farm, Vladimir and Cooter lead the group into the house. Upon entering they see Winterson, sitting on the couch, as well as Mildred, sitting in a rocking chair knitting.)
Winterson: Hey guys. Glad you made it.
Max: Winterson? I sure didn't expect you to bail us out. At least not like this.
Winterson: Why not?
Max: Well, it's not exactly by-the-numbers.
Winterson: Well, I tried it that way first. I went to Bravura about it, and he tried to get you guys out, but the case is under the jurisdiction of the guys in the suits. We can't for the lives of us find out who they work for, but they've gotta be government. In fact, Bravura nearly got in trouble for snooping around. You know how he is – he loves us all a bit too much for his own good.
Max: Right.
Vladimir: So I offered to help. I got my associate to help get me the info, and the weapons, and as I said before gathered Kaufman's cleaners and organized them to bust you guys out.
Annie: Wow, you got some connections, Vlad.
Vladimir: Well, let's go meet my associate.
Max: Good idea. He can fill in the holes of our Swiss-cheesed brains regarding this matter.
(Vladimir leads the gang through the living room, past the kitchen, and up the stairs. He then takes them into a study, where a man in a wheelchair is waiting for them. It's Alfred Woden!)
Vladimir: Everyone, meet my associate, Alfred...
Max: Woden?
Woden: Missssssster Payne.
Vladimir: You guys have met?
Lisa: Yeah, he was our tour guide when we went to the Asgard building. The first day I joined the group.
Woden: Mona, Lissssssssa. Lovely to ssssssssssee you ladiessss again.
Mona: Uhhh, yeah, right back at ya.
Mona: (confessional) Oh great. The guy who helped bail us out has to be that creepy old man. Well, I'm telling you one thing: he tries to hit on me, I'll hit on him... with a shovel.
Max: So how do you know Woden, Vlad?
Vladimir: You probably already know that Woden is a senator.
Max: Yeah.
Woden: But what you don't know isss that both Vladimir and I belong to a ssssssecret ssssssssociety called "The Inner Circle."
Mike: The Inner Circle?
Vladimir: The Inner Circle, basically, makes sure the world runs smoothly, by whatever means necessary. And as such, they know many things that other people do not, even those in the highest offices of power.
Kaufman: What kind of things?
Woden: Next question.
Max: Fine. What's going on with this Horne person?
Woden: Nicole Horne wassssss a member of the sssssociety for many yearsssss, until she began trying to take over the world. At first she tried to do it through Valkyr.
Vinnie: Oh yeah, I remember V.
Max: Vinnie?
Vinnie: Oh, ahh, I'm just sayin', I remember when V was goin' around on the streets. Some of those junkies couldn't get enough of it. I always did wonder where it came from. Some of the guys I saw peddling it didn't look like dealers to me.
Vladimir: Anyway, Horne was behind V. It was originally a failed U.S. Army experiment, and she decided to continue it unauthorized. After her attempts at taking over the world through Valkyr failed, she turned to other means. Specifically, good old-fashioned hostage-taking.
Lisa: So she's taken the President hostage.
Woden: Right.
Max: So if she succeeds in getting the military intelligence files, what's she gonna do? Use them against us and the other countries?
Woden: No. Dessssstroy them.
Mona: Destroy them?
Vladimir: Yes. She plans to destroy them and make it look like other countries did it, or at least make the U.S. appear to accuse other powers of doing it. This will strain foreign relations and possibly cause wars. These wars will weaken many countries, including the U.S., and Nicole Horne and her army can move in and take over.
Annie: So what's Horne doin' as an executive producer for MTV?
Woden: It'ssssss her way of getting on the airwavessss in order to manipulate the masses.
Kaufman: That blows.
Vinnie: So did she really have us arrested?
Vladimir: Yes, but we're not 100% sure why. My theory is because you guys have a tendency to do your own thing, so she saw you as a threat to her ability to manipulate the masses through the TV show.
Woden: I have a sssssimilar theory: she had wanted to usssse your group to manipulate the television watching audience, but when you stood up to her, she wanted to have you aresssssted on the ssssset of the show in order to make an exxxxample of you so that othersssss would think twice before opposing her.
(We see Winterson enter, looking a bit impatient.)
Winterson: Are you coming to bed or what, Vlad?
Vladimir: In a minute. I'm trying to talk to the group.
Winterson: (one hand on hip) Excuse me?
(Vladimir looks around at the gang, then sighs.)
Vladimir: Coming, dear. (to the group) We can talk more about this tomorrow, and maybe decide what we are going to do. (leaves)
Woden: I'm going to turn in too. Perhapssss you should do the sssame. (leaves as well)
Max: (confessional) I knew there was something funny about Nicole Horne. Now Woden and Vlad have crystallized my suspicions like ice on a windshield.
Mike: (confessional) Heyy, I like this hideout. A real farm. I wonder if they have horses here. If they do, I'm going to try to ride them just like the real cowboys.
(A bunk house, around 5 AM)
(We see the gang sleeping soundly in a bunk house near Cooter and Mildred's house. We hear a rooster crowing way off in the distance. This stirs a few of the group members, but they go right back to sleep.)
Cooter: (busting open the front door) Everybody up!!
Max: (startled) Wh-what?
Cooter: Come on! Let's go! Lickety-split!
Mona: (also startled) Is everything okay?
Cooter: Move it! Chop-chop!
(Cooter hustles the group outside, all in their PJ's. We see Vladimir, Winterson, and Mildred outside, all dressed. Vladimir is wearing farming clothes.)
MTV Announcer: What's going on here? Could the group be in danger? Find out, on the next episode of The Real World...
As usual, R&R's are always welcome.
This stuff is fiction, not fact.
Without further adieu, allow me to present Episode XVII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Vinnie: picked to live in a house...
Annie: and have their lives taped.
Mike: Find out what happens...
Kaufman: when people stop being polite...
Lisa: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York...
(We see the men's section of the jail cell again, full of smoke and flying bullets. Max, Kaufman, Vinnie, and Mike are hiding under their bunks, while trying to see what is going on.)
Vinnie: (shouting to be heard above the gunfire) Can you see anything, Payne?
Max: No. There's too much smoke from the explosion.
(We see a guard getting shot very close to Max and Kaufman's cell. From the smoke opposite the guard emerges one man, dressed in a light blue jumpsuit. The back reads "Squeaky Cleaning Company.")
Cleaner #1: Stand back!
(The guys do so as the cleaner places a small explosive over the lock on the cell. He then detonates it, blowing off the lock. He does the same to Vinnie and Mike's cell door, then opens both of the doors.)
Cleaner #1: Let's go. Hurry!
(The guys hustle out of their cells. Several other cleaners join the one that blew the cell doors, and they cover the guys as they escape out through the hole in the wall into a parking garage. There are several "Squeaky Cleaning Company" vans revving, waiting to go.)
Mike: What is this? These look like your guys, Kaufman.
Kaufman: I dunno. I didn't call 'em.
(Out of a second hole in another wall emerge Mona, Annie, and Lisa, also flanked by several cleaners.)
Max: Mona!
Mona: Max!
Cleaner #2: C'mon. We have to move.
Annie: Wait a minute. What are you guys doin' with guns? What's going on here?
A familiar voice: (from inside one of the vans) Bang! You're dead, Max Payne!
(The side door of the van opens to reveal... Vladimir!)
Max: Vlad?
Vladimir: Get in the back. Hurry! We'll talk later.
Killer Suit #1: All right, folks. Show's over!
(The cleaners, Vladimir, and the gang turn around to see a whole group of killer suits with M4's drawn, aiming at the crowd.)
Killer Suit #1: Did you guys really think you were just gonna walk out of here? Start walking back inside now, and we just might let you live.
(We hear the cocking of a shotgun hammer, followed by another familiar voice.)
Another familiar voice: Guess again, goldilocks.
(The killer suit turns around to see... Cooter, Winterson's father. He is wearing his overalls and cap, with his double-barrel shotgun and his XXX jug, which he occasionally takes a swig from.)
Killer Suit #2: Drop him.
Killer Suit #3: No way, dude.
Killer Suit #2: Whattya mean "no way?" It's just one guy.
Killer Suit #3: Yeah, but he's drunk, and a redneck. I ain't messin' with him.
Other Suits: Me either... No way, pal...
Cooter: You boys drop them guns now.
(The cleaners use this opportunity to pick up their guns, and they join Cooter in aiming at the group of killer suits. The suits then decide to do what Cooter says.)
Cooter: We're gittin' outta here. And don't you boys try'n follow us, or I'll mount you over my fireplace.
(Cooter, the cleaners, Vladimir, and the gang sidle over to the vans, quickly get in, then speed off. The suits pick up their guns and shoot at them, but to no avail.)
(One of the cleaner vans, a few minutes later.)
(We see all seven of the gang in the back, as well as Vladimir and Cooter. One of the cleaners is driving. The other cleaners are in other vans, following behind.)
Max: So what are your cleaners doing with military hardware, Kaufman?
Kaufman: I don't know. I didn't know they had it.
Vladimir: That was my doing. I knew I would need a small army to get you guys out of jail, and Kaufman's cleaners seemed to meet the amount of manpower. I was able to whip them into shape very quickly. I used to be in the Russian Army, y'know.
Vinnie: Wow. That is somethin'.
Vladimir: But I can't take all the credit for orchestrating your escape. You should thank Winterson. She called me about it. Plus one other person also contributed to the operation. You'll meet him when we get where we're going.
Mona: And where's that?
Vladimir: We're going to lie low at Winterson's parents' farm for a while. It's out in the country with many acres. There will be plenty of places to hide.
Max: Hey Vlad, can you change the radio to the news station?
Vladimir: Sure, Max.
(Vladimir turns the tuner dial until he hits the news station. We hear coverage of the White House hostage situation.)
Kyra Silver: (over the radio) ... as the White House hostage situation continues. An armed group had seized control of the White House early last night, taking the President and several members of his staff hostage. The group, led by one Nicole Horne, has demanded access to all military intelligence files and one billion dollars. The Pentagon, as of yet, has stood firm in its decision to not make concessions of any kind to the hostage-takers. The group still has yet to give a deadline. For NYNN Radio, this is Kyra Silver...
Max: So I guess you heard about this?
Vladimir: Yes. I know all about it. I and my associate can both give you information about the situation, and about your enemy, that you won't get from the news.
(A little later...)
(We see the vans, way out in the country, pull up a long driveway into Cooter and Mildred Winterson's farm. The vans park in one of the barns. While the cleaners leave Vladimir and the rest of the group to secure the farm, Vladimir and Cooter lead the group into the house. Upon entering they see Winterson, sitting on the couch, as well as Mildred, sitting in a rocking chair knitting.)
Winterson: Hey guys. Glad you made it.
Max: Winterson? I sure didn't expect you to bail us out. At least not like this.
Winterson: Why not?
Max: Well, it's not exactly by-the-numbers.
Winterson: Well, I tried it that way first. I went to Bravura about it, and he tried to get you guys out, but the case is under the jurisdiction of the guys in the suits. We can't for the lives of us find out who they work for, but they've gotta be government. In fact, Bravura nearly got in trouble for snooping around. You know how he is – he loves us all a bit too much for his own good.
Max: Right.
Vladimir: So I offered to help. I got my associate to help get me the info, and the weapons, and as I said before gathered Kaufman's cleaners and organized them to bust you guys out.
Annie: Wow, you got some connections, Vlad.
Vladimir: Well, let's go meet my associate.
Max: Good idea. He can fill in the holes of our Swiss-cheesed brains regarding this matter.
(Vladimir leads the gang through the living room, past the kitchen, and up the stairs. He then takes them into a study, where a man in a wheelchair is waiting for them. It's Alfred Woden!)
Vladimir: Everyone, meet my associate, Alfred...
Max: Woden?
Woden: Missssssster Payne.
Vladimir: You guys have met?
Lisa: Yeah, he was our tour guide when we went to the Asgard building. The first day I joined the group.
Woden: Mona, Lissssssssa. Lovely to ssssssssssee you ladiessss again.
Mona: Uhhh, yeah, right back at ya.
Mona: (confessional) Oh great. The guy who helped bail us out has to be that creepy old man. Well, I'm telling you one thing: he tries to hit on me, I'll hit on him... with a shovel.
Max: So how do you know Woden, Vlad?
Vladimir: You probably already know that Woden is a senator.
Max: Yeah.
Woden: But what you don't know isss that both Vladimir and I belong to a ssssssecret ssssssssociety called "The Inner Circle."
Mike: The Inner Circle?
Vladimir: The Inner Circle, basically, makes sure the world runs smoothly, by whatever means necessary. And as such, they know many things that other people do not, even those in the highest offices of power.
Kaufman: What kind of things?
Woden: Next question.
Max: Fine. What's going on with this Horne person?
Woden: Nicole Horne wassssss a member of the sssssociety for many yearsssss, until she began trying to take over the world. At first she tried to do it through Valkyr.
Vinnie: Oh yeah, I remember V.
Max: Vinnie?
Vinnie: Oh, ahh, I'm just sayin', I remember when V was goin' around on the streets. Some of those junkies couldn't get enough of it. I always did wonder where it came from. Some of the guys I saw peddling it didn't look like dealers to me.
Vladimir: Anyway, Horne was behind V. It was originally a failed U.S. Army experiment, and she decided to continue it unauthorized. After her attempts at taking over the world through Valkyr failed, she turned to other means. Specifically, good old-fashioned hostage-taking.
Lisa: So she's taken the President hostage.
Woden: Right.
Max: So if she succeeds in getting the military intelligence files, what's she gonna do? Use them against us and the other countries?
Woden: No. Dessssstroy them.
Mona: Destroy them?
Vladimir: Yes. She plans to destroy them and make it look like other countries did it, or at least make the U.S. appear to accuse other powers of doing it. This will strain foreign relations and possibly cause wars. These wars will weaken many countries, including the U.S., and Nicole Horne and her army can move in and take over.
Annie: So what's Horne doin' as an executive producer for MTV?
Woden: It'ssssss her way of getting on the airwavessss in order to manipulate the masses.
Kaufman: That blows.
Vinnie: So did she really have us arrested?
Vladimir: Yes, but we're not 100% sure why. My theory is because you guys have a tendency to do your own thing, so she saw you as a threat to her ability to manipulate the masses through the TV show.
Woden: I have a sssssimilar theory: she had wanted to usssse your group to manipulate the television watching audience, but when you stood up to her, she wanted to have you aresssssted on the ssssset of the show in order to make an exxxxample of you so that othersssss would think twice before opposing her.
(We see Winterson enter, looking a bit impatient.)
Winterson: Are you coming to bed or what, Vlad?
Vladimir: In a minute. I'm trying to talk to the group.
Winterson: (one hand on hip) Excuse me?
(Vladimir looks around at the gang, then sighs.)
Vladimir: Coming, dear. (to the group) We can talk more about this tomorrow, and maybe decide what we are going to do. (leaves)
Woden: I'm going to turn in too. Perhapssss you should do the sssame. (leaves as well)
Max: (confessional) I knew there was something funny about Nicole Horne. Now Woden and Vlad have crystallized my suspicions like ice on a windshield.
Mike: (confessional) Heyy, I like this hideout. A real farm. I wonder if they have horses here. If they do, I'm going to try to ride them just like the real cowboys.
(A bunk house, around 5 AM)
(We see the gang sleeping soundly in a bunk house near Cooter and Mildred's house. We hear a rooster crowing way off in the distance. This stirs a few of the group members, but they go right back to sleep.)
Cooter: (busting open the front door) Everybody up!!
Max: (startled) Wh-what?
Cooter: Come on! Let's go! Lickety-split!
Mona: (also startled) Is everything okay?
Cooter: Move it! Chop-chop!
(Cooter hustles the group outside, all in their PJ's. We see Vladimir, Winterson, and Mildred outside, all dressed. Vladimir is wearing farming clothes.)
MTV Announcer: What's going on here? Could the group be in danger? Find out, on the next episode of The Real World...
As usual, R&R's are always welcome.