The main reason why he managed to get her to move period was massive surprise. She was so taken off-guard upon suddenly finding herself pressed against a warm body that it took a second for it to register.
Then her arms latched around him as tightly as his did.
Her face buried in his shoulder, silent tears wetting cotton. Her body wouldn't stop shaking, even though toned arms tightened around her waist as if to keep her from doing so. She should've tried to find a way to push away and excuse herself to calm down. There was no logical reason why she was being held and CRYING in front of Inaki. The first time since she'd known him.
Nails dug into her palms behind his back. The pain was welcome to help stop the flow and take her mind off the shaking to lighten it. It never went away...and after a few minutes, she found herself all but snuggled against his body.
He certainly didn't seem to have any complaints as the side of his head rested near her ear, arms to a comfortable tension. Green slid closed as her chin rested on his shoulder and just let herself be held. God...when was the last time she had this opportunity?
Not for over a year...seemingly forever.
It was too bad he spoiled it by shifting back and looking at her. She held his gaze for all of a second before looking away. "Kalie...why won't you look at me?"
Her jaw clenched and she forced herself to do as he asked, but opened her mouth with empty air. She couldn't answer him...as if a physical barrier was placed on her vocal chords. That was always a frustrating aspect...never being able to tell people what she needed because it was almost physically impossible. She clamed up on people so much it rooted into her brain and took the free speech command away.
A hand moved from around her waist and fingers gently tugged her chin in his direction when she looked away. "Look at me. Don't look away. It hurts to see you do that. You always used to meet my eyes... What is stopping you now?"
An apology immediately went through her brain, but her tongue seemed not to exist. It was so angering! She hated this crap! Why couldn't she speak?? Hands clenched again...so tightly her fists shook over his neck.
Brown blinked and a hand reached behind to grasp hers. Raven furrowed at he stared at her. "What? What are you doing?"
She wanted to fight him so she could keep both hands hidden to continue to be a pain outlet, but he pulled one into view and brown widened.
He didn't answer for a second, but when he did...his voice was a concerned whisper. "I won't let you hurt yourself."
But she did; she wanted to hurt herself so badly. Physical pain was better than emotional to her mind. Nevertheless, fingers loosened from the death grip on her hand. She wanted pain, but she wasn't going to defy him. Two pairs of eyes looked to her palm. Four nails had caused moon-shaped gouges from attempts without him knowing it. The newest was purple at the indents, showing how close she came to drawing blood.
"Gods...how can you DO this to yourself?"
She wanted to answer, but the words wouldn't come out. So many times they were on the tip of her tongue...but she couldn't push them out. Why oh WHY did he have to confront her about this? And why did she give in, just to get it settled?? She should've KNOWN she would've dissolved again!
"Come on...talk to me. Please... Please tell me what you're thinking; what you're feeling..."
God how she wanted to answer him...but she just...couldn't... How was it possible to be this choked up? She talked freer to her friends about the aspects she'd share...but not the way she wanted to. She never let them in like she could. But...at least she told them SOMETHING!
What was different about this person - this man - that she couldn't say ANYTHING to?
Perhaps it was because she felt the satisfaction of knowing she didn't need to explain her past...and because she didn't want to. How many people had she rambled her life story to in the beginning and they ended up leaving? And how many times did she tell herself she was going to STOP? Now someone actually wanted to KNOW?
Arms went around her waist again and hands gripped part of his shirt. She didn't want to believe anything good he could think about her because she didn't believe it herself. She didn't WANT to believe...what just cause did she have to? She wasn't anything worthwhile or beautiful. If she was, maybe the ones she dated would've stayed around...
"I can't help you if you don't TALK to me!"
Her jaw clenched at the sad whisper in his voice. She didn't want to hurt him...yet here she was...making him suffer. All because of her. Again her mouth opened and she inhaled...but it was as if she were deaf. As if she was never given the gift of speech. So again...her insecurities caused her to pause.
Abruptly, hands went up and forced her face to meet his. His hold was firm, but gentle. She met his eyes in surprise, trying not to let herself look away. "You have to stop this... What can I do to get you to at least make a sound??"
She looked away. Her jaw clenched.
Part of her was still trying to get out the mass amounts of words that sprang to mind. The other half was angry. She told her friends some details about her life before, why wasn't she able to get it out NOW? She was a coward.
Anger rant through her...self-directed anger. The word kept running through her mind. Her eyes filled with loathing and spite, though she never looked at him. Even if she knew she had his eyes. Nails tightly dug into her palms. She was a hypocrite...a massive coward! The pain was welcome, even if she felt half of it. It took focus off emotions she didn't want to feel.
"No...no. Give me your hands. Let go."
For the first time, she struggled. She didn't want to feel! Strong hands hovered over hers, trying to wedge his finger through her palm. She tried to keep her grip as tight as possible...even if the nails dug in deeper... As strong as she thought she was, he was stronger. The shaking she was going through wasn't helping. He finally dove a finger in between and wedged a second...finally managing to pry her loose.
No...NO! Pain! She didn't WANT to feel! She was tired of the emotional hurt and pain that came with feeling! That's all it ever came to in the end...
Finally he moved her fingers apart and entwined them...then for good measure, did the same with the other. She was so frustrated her eyes burned with the onslaught of tears.
"I don't care if you hurt me - I can take that - but I won't allow you to hurt yourself."
Any and all anger fizzled. She wasn't going to hurt him and if she couldn't hurt herself, there was no reason to be angry. She tried only once to twist her hands out, but his gentle, firm grip kept in steps. She gave up and let their hands rest limply at her sides. Her head slowly and resignedly slumped against his chest. Green slowly closed... Coward. She was a coward. Couldn't even apologize for shutting him out like this!
The silence in the room was deafening, even if her mind was rambling words and thoughts in nonsensical patterns. After what seemed an eternity, though probably mere minutes, his hands gradually rose and stopped next to her face. They moved at a snail's pace and detached from hers, resting both flat against his chest.
"I want you to keep your hands like that for me."
She blinked wide eyes that were glued to her hands. Her face burned, but she could do nothing to stop the feel of warmth that seeped through her skin and the instinct to curl her hands to make them a little more comfortable.
After a few seconds, his palms hovered mere inches away from her skin, then lightly brushed down her arms to wrap his around her waist. A tiny shiver stole through her, but when all was still again, she felt solid and comfortable like this.
He was being so patient, but the night was closing and they both needed sleep. Again...she inhaled to say a word, but still couldn't say anything. She just...couldn't do it... In the time they stood, she forcefully tried to quell some of the shaking. She also was able to blank some of her mind and just feel his arms and her body against his. She was getting to the point where she figured words didn't matter. She didn't have to say anything...as long as he kept holding her like this...
"Come on...let's sit down."
Green fluttered open as she was slowly inched to the bed. She let him lead, feeling a little awkward for the spell being broken. The situation, once forgotten in a haze of feeling, seemed to be brought back up...even though it was never really forgotten. As she sat on the mattress - very slowly as if afraid to make noise - he put her hands back on his chest with that silent order looming. His cupped her face instead of going back around her waist. She missed the contact of being against his body, and didn't want to meet his eyes even more. Looking into those beautiful eyes made every bit of hesitation spring forward. Her jaw clenched as syllables fought to be expressed.
Thumbs gently moved over her skin. "Come on now...enough of this. You've been quiet long enough. At least make a noise. Smile for me...come on. Just a twitch."
Nothing moved.
She couldn't tell him anything to his face. She just wasn't that brave! She couldn't look into his eyes for long. She didn't care if he judged her...he probably already HAD. But she wanted to make it up to him for staying this long by saying SOMETHING. Her face pulled away and she looked across the room to the door. She couldn't say the things she wanted - the darker parts of her soul - with Sam able to hear. She didn't want any more tension between them because of this creature she was struggling with.
Green fell on the light switch. If she could turn off the lights, she would feel more like no one was in the room! It was better than THIS anyway...
Muscles went to move, but her body stayed rooted. She was too used to the silent and immobility to suddenly move around like nothing occurred. But the idea was too good to abandon and it was a massive turning point. She had to do this! She COULD!
It only took a few more rounds before she sent him a smile that all was well and managed to get off the bed. She crossed the room in a few steps, thankfully not getting a word, and shut the door. The lights went mere seconds after that.
The spell around her was broken, she could FEEL it. Her heart beat a little faster knowing that. She could DO this! That same smile was on her face as she almost casually strode back and plopped onto the carpet in front of the bed, hands in her lap. She looked up to his form - what she could barely see with help from outside lights - and opened her mouth.
And paused.
Fists clenched, though not for the same reason, as she mentally screamed at herself to say something. She HAD to do this! She could...she WOULD! Her mouth opened as she kept screaming at herself, berating herself. Calling herself a coward.
Slowly, he slid off the bed and rested inches away. A hand found her knee and silently rested there...a quiet sentiment that he was here. This was her time to talk.
She kept ordering her mouth to make the syllables and sounds. Her jaw clenched a few more times as she struggled. It felt like she was doing something so daring, so entirely public and unlike her. But...she HAD...TO...TRY!
"I -" She paused, the barest of sounds escaping. "I -" It gained strength over the last one, but was still barely audible. "I - I'm -" Shoulders slumped and hands slacked. A condescending smile appeared. Her shoulders shook with noiseless, humorless laughter. More silence passed. She tried to make it feel like she was alone, but his hand was all too real.
"I'm a coward." She whispered. Her head hung.
"Why are you a coward?" Their voices were the barest of whispers. This new spell cast caused it.
"Because I -" She didn't know what to say. Now, when words were so important, she couldn't get them to form. Where her mind once sprouted ideas she couldn't get out, now scrambled for ANYTHING. Finally, she decided to be honest and say what lay in her heart, rather than her mind. "I - I'm not...always...like this. No one really knows about...this." She sighed, eyes locking on nothing. "I hide this from them all. Sammy doesn't know the full extend of this...pain." Nobody knew the deep extent. Even her mother - who she grew up with and loved - didn't know this. No use worrying her...
More silence. Such a person who was this patient and spent so much time trying to get her to open up deserved a few reasons WHY she was this way...
"I haven't had the easiest of lives... I've...never really had much of a family. I spent a lot of my time with my nose in books and raising myself alone. My parents worked to provide. At the time, my mother was in a lower position - though in the same job. My father...he, well -" Fists clenched as rage surfaced. Green blazed and she glared at her lap. "I - I just don't know WHY...how could someone who married - who PROMISED - for life...in a CHURCH... Why would he cheat on her??"
Anger was so intense and she couldn't let go of the death grip on her fists. She didn't feel the pain, though she knew she'd better let up if she didn't want to sear her palms. She took a slow, deep breath to remain calm.
"I didn't know anything was going on until I first heard them fighting. Not arguing - FIGHTING. I guess, by then, it'd been going on for a while. When I first found out, I was nine. But it started when I was eight." She took another deep breath and found it shaking. Green closed and she found tears pressing against her lashes. "We weren't much of a family by then. None of them thought of councilors. Work only managed to drive a wedge between them, but it was a necessity."
Her head bowed, almost in shame of her parents. She hated the fact they never stayed together, but she understood her mother's view. Who wanted to remain married to a man who slept with other - sometimes MARRIED - women?
"I was never sat down and told what was happening. I tried to be invisible and ignore the underlying tension by studying and keeping to myself. I didn't know how bad it got... But one night, I got up in the middle of the night - the times they reserved for fighting - and heard them all but screaming at each other." A shiver ran through her. Even over a decade...she could still hear their shouting. "It was soon after that eruption...that my mother filed for a divorce..." Her head bowed in sorrow. "There was no custody battle; my father handed me to my mother. I felt unwanted when I was told my father was leaving, though he said I could still visit. He set it up for me to spend my summers and some holidays. I went, because he was still my father and I loved him."
Green hardened as anger quickly replaced sadness. It never failed to enrage her whenever she thought back to what he was like.
"I knew my father loved me. Even if he didn't love my mother, he helped give me life. Every time I left, he always told me he loved me. I used to love spending time with him and looked forward to it. I always thought my mom was so emotional to things that concerned me, especially considering I was learning independence when I was seven and eight. My father never...coddled me as much as she did and I did things for myself. All this happened about two hours north in Florida." Her jaw clenched and she was quiet until it managed to relax. "I visited him until I was nearly fourteen. I met a few different women that went places with us. My father said they were just friends he was getting to know upon moving here. I was eleven...what did I know?"
Fists tightened harshly in her lap. "When I was fourteen and saw the same woman for three month's worth of vacations...that clinched it. My father had another girl in his life...he filled my mother's position." Her body shook, but she tried to still it to calm down. The anguish and rage was melding together to create a deadly mix. It was getting hard to speak with the way her chin kept wobbling. "I was so let down and disappointed. Being so young...I thought they would get back together. I was naïve. I should've KNOWN that wasn't going to happen by my mom's initial bitterness. SHE might have let go of a lot of that and forgave him...but I NEVER will."
It was getting hard to talk and keep tears at bay. She didn't want to seem weak by weeping like she normally did...not in front of him. She had to keep all that at bay to keep going. There was SO much more to tell...
"I...HATE him. He ruined it ALL. He ruined my life and I'll never forgive that. I haven't seen him since I stopped visiting and I could care less. He could be remarried with more kids for all I know. He can rot in hell."
The venom in her voice was so thick, but it did little to dim the decade of hurt and anger. This was the heart of it all and that would never go away. These were her thoughts. She was the only one - other than her mother - who knew the truth. She felt sorry for whatever woman even bothered to spend time with him.
There wasn't a peep next to her, no matter how hateful she was. He didn't move away, didn't scorn her because she had these feelings. There was no lecturing on how she should be ashamed for being so distant. Either he didn't understand because he was from a big family - which was HIGHLY possible -or he was waiting for her to go on.
She was betting on the waiting.
She took a deep breath and held it. It was time to move on and put her 'father' back in the background where he belonged. The anger swept away with a mental push and she exhaled. The emotionless numbed her and she embraced that. She would need it to continue.
"So...I grew up without both parents. I half raised myself and became highly independent, but shy to be the good child when they fought. By middle school, I was a wallflower. I was polite, soft-spoken, but wouldn't let anyone take care of me. I had my first boyfriend when I was thirteen." Her head shook with a tiny sigh. "I had no idea what I was doing... I was a stupid kid who never dated or had friends - ergo I didn't do the boy gossip or wonder how it happened. I had a study buddy who all but dealt with homework. I didn't really put too much thought to his moods until the day I finally noticed he became so quiet over a few weeks and finally asked him what was wrong." She gave the tiniest of smiles at such childish behavior. "He got all flustered and made a big deal of making me think nothing was wrong. I didn't think anything of it until the third or fourth time when he blurted out he liked me. I didn't know how to take that...so I just told him ok when he asked me out."
Her head shook at it all. "It was nothing like what I assumed. We were mostly together at school and even then we were too shy to do much. I think we only got together once for a movie and once during a holiday." A finger absently rubbed over a knee. "At the time, I still spent the holidays at my father's. That was one reason our so-called relationship lasted as long as it did. When I finally found out what my father did, I dumped all my anger and hurt on my boyfriend, thinking that's what you did in a relationship - talk about your problems."
A humorless snort sounded. "It had the opposite effect. No one knew my family's troubles - I purposely kept it that way - and when I blew up, I scared him. He openly avoided me for two days before dumping me without much explanation. Again, I didn't know how to take it. A week later of trying to ignore that gap and keep going where I left off, I spotted him in the hall...acting less shy around a girl than he did with me. When he put his arm around her shoulder, I went the opposite way and never studied with him after that."
She stopped as if for thought before sighing. "I graduated at fourteen instead of fifteen like most people to high school because I skipped an early grade. I became a little shyer because of unfamiliar surroundings and due to my age. I slowly came to know Hal and Sheryl, who were a lot more outgoing than me, and occasionally tried to get me out of my shell. I never did, but they got an A for effort. I never really deviated from how shy and polite I was no in middle school. If anything, the sting I went through of being dumped for another girl made it worse."
Fists clenched as old pain and love came back. Once upon a time, it used to be just one...but now, you couldn't have one without the other.
"You wouldn't believe how much guys like that. I never REALLY dated in middle school, so I was immune to all the attention and never bothered with boys. Which was why I was so confused and uneasy when a guy asked me in class one day about pairing up on a science project. We were supposed to pick, but I was just going to ask the teacher if I could do it on my own. I guess he had other ideas." She nervously fiddled with her fingers, looking at the floor in the opposite direction. "We worked for a week on it, and he only managed to persuade me to meet outside school once. That was all it took. I wasn't as bad outside as I was surrounded by so many people. It intrigued Brad - my hiding that little bit of spunk. He kept talking to me after the project was completed. He made me nervous, but he was nice enough so I felt compelled not to brush him off. He respected my independence, and didn't do too much unless it was something special."
A finger moved and thoughtfully rubbed over her lips briefly. "I suppose that was what did it. His advance and retreat in doing things was what I knew when with my father who would occasionally do things for me as well. I began to let him do the little things more, and when I acknowledged and became dependent...that cinched it. We went out since. He was...he was the first man I - I ever loved." Her eyes fluttered closed. "He was my first in a lot of stuff. My first love, my first kiss, my first -" She paused and blushed. She didn't think he'd want to hear about THAT... "You - you know. He opened my eyes to a lot of things in life. He pulled me from my shell quite a bit. I owed so much to him."
Fists momentarily clenched. "I came to depend on him more than I ever thought possible. We dated when I was fourteen and a half and it was typical high school dating. We were together for two years."
Her face flushed when the topic rose again. She had to mention it because it was what caused the rift.
"Two years of dating. My first kiss; my first love; first - first l - lover." Green pointedly stared at her bed to avoid looking at him. "I thought he loved me too and I would've done anything for him. But when the obvious became too obvious, I had to realize what he was ACTUALLY in the relationship for. I was almost seventeen, he was eighteen...he wanted what ALL eighteen-year-old high schoolboys wanted. I was devastated...but I knew I had to break it off. He was my first love, but I don't think I remember him returning the sentiment."
Her brow furrowed sadly. "I approached him after school in private one day, saying he was just using me and never loved me. Of course Brad got angry...but he never said different." Her body stiffened. "He...he threw back...such hurtful words..." Tears appeared, but she tired to blink them back. "Said he had no reason to love me because I had such emotional baggage and it would do him no good to get attached." An ultimately bitter look crossed her face. "Two years...all for nothing. I loved a lie." Green squeezed shut.
"Sheryl tried to get me to go out with her brother, but I just couldn't. I kept the details from them because it was too painful and I didn't want to drag them into it. I was wheedled into going once, but that was mostly guilt enforced. Hal's a nice guy, but I was - and still am - in love with Brad. I will always be. One doesn't forget the people they love...especially not your first love. Even if they tear your heart out..."
There was a short pause as she composed the torn edges of her emotions. The feeling of detachment lingered and she embraced it...tried to magnify it.
"I graduated at seventeen and immediately shot for college. I had plans for my life and wanted them to come so I could leave high school behind. I wanted to forget all of that. So I applied for financial aid and scholarships, taking trips to the job world. I wanted something close to campus because I intended on living in the dorms." A nostalgic smile graced her, the barest of tilts. "I spied on a corkboard in passing during a freshman tour and found Sam's ad. The rent was reasonable, if not a little cheaper, so I decided to give it a shot."
The smile widened. "One look around and half an hour meeting got me a new best friend, even if it took a while for her to dig everything out of me. When she found out how long I'd been single, she immediately tried to match-make me with one of the guys in her class."
A deep frown marred her face. "Had I been smarter, I would've insisted to getting to know the guy before accepting the date. But it'd been a year since Brad and I was mostly over him and getting tired of being alone. I felt a connection when I first laid eyes on him and had a very good time. When I asked if we could do the same, he agreed. We hung out three more times before officially being a couple." Unease swept over her and a finger rubbed over skin. "He was funny, good-looking, mildly sensitive, intelligent... I think the emotion I felt was attraction. I always wanted to be around him, and it seemed till forever before we met again. I was happy again for one of the few times in my life."
The unease diluted with sadness. Trying to hide the insecurity she always felt, arms loosely hugged the bottom of her stomach.
"He seemed to get upset when I tried to physically touch him sometimes. I wasn't much good at showing affection with so little practice, but even I knew when he shied away. I didn't know why and when I asked what was wrong, and why he never tried to hug or kiss me when I initiated something, I think that started the down-spiral." She shifted against the carpet, getting the feeling of wanting to crawl in a hole. "We fought almost all the time and mostly it would stem from me asking what was wrong or trying to apologize. I always felt the need to apologize. Even when I did, I still felt he didn't accept it or it wasn't enough."
Her legs shifted against her chest and arms tightly hugged them. "He could turn my emotions any which way and all he had to do was theorize things. Most of the time I was upset or insecure...others I would do or say anything to go back to what we were. I told him this, but he never gave me answers or a way to change it. He was so frustrating and I cried so easily over it..."
She looked away, eyes dull. "There was maybe two to three months of good times...the rest was fighting." Tears sprang to her eyes, but this time they wouldn't be blinked back. She quietly sniffled and refused to wipe her eyes. "We went out for six months before I had enough. I was tired of feeling worthless and unsure...like nothing I did would ever please him... I gained the courage to tell him I wanted to break up and explained everything when he asked why. We argued and I broke down. I couldn't stand it anymore..."
Tears fell and she used her hair as a curtain. There was enough moonlight to be able to tell. "I left and came back here. I all but bawled my eyes out. Even though he twisted me later on, I came extremely close to loving him...and that's something I take seriously. I even gave him myself in the beginning...before it all changed. I thought it meant something as it did to me."
Her head sadly shook. "I tried to go back to studying - what had always been a release and rock - but I never retained anything. Arthur...he effectively broke me...and I couldn't put myself back together. Nothing helped. It - it...got so bad...one day I stopped caring."
Her eyes stared at the words without even seeing. A hand propped her head up as she kept staring.
Her mind was empty again. This was the third time this week. Would she ever stop feeling this way??
'No. I'm not that lucky enough to find my way back to where I was...'
Damn it...there were those cursed tears! She angrily swiped them away, but soon was letting them fall and taking solace on her comfy bed and burying her face in the pillow. There was no clue how long she stayed like that until a thought came to mind.
'This can't continue.'
She was so tired of all this. She wanted it gone, but there was no way to stop feeling so worthless and like she would never do anything right again.
There was ONE way really...and if she was brave enough, she'd go that route and finally be free of everything Arthur did to her. Teeth bit her lip as slid off the bed and slowly padded to the bathroom. Green lit on the shower wall and what rested there.
A razor.
Something simple enough that could possess a way out. It was a cleverly disguised angel of mercy and she seemed to stare for the longest time before her feet moved on their own and she was sitting on porcelain.
Green emotionlessly stared as she debated doing this. She weighed the choices and finally realized to hell with everyone else. They didn't have to deal with this and they would never understand. She wanted to be selfish right now!
Her hand moved and gingerly clutched the handle, watching the silver gleam in the light. With a harsh swallow, it rested in her lap - near an exposed wrist - as she waited for the right time of courage to overtake her.
Her thinking was a little too deep, her attention too captured, to hear the barest of footsteps. She effectively missed her chance.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
The shocked look would never go away. That look of horror and surprise would always remain with her.
"I...I'm just so tired of it all... I just want to sleep. Forever. Can't you go away and pretend you didn't see any of this?" She pleaded, eyes tearing.
"No fucking WAY! Give me that! Are you CRAZY!? What's the MATTER with you?!?" Sam had never been angrier at her. They played a lot with that, but this was true rage she was seeing and it made a shiver run through her.
She shrank back a few inches when her roommate stormed forward and yanked the razor from her hand. She willingly let it go...wanting to run to her room and hide, but Sam was blocking the exit. "...You don't want to know."
"Of COURSE I do! I want to know a very damn good reason why you had such a dangerous weapon like THIS in your hand!! And you WILL tell me because I'm NOT budging even if my life depends on it! And so does yours, so start SPILLING."
An arm turned and rested palm up. A hand moved and wrapped around her wrist. A thumb meaningfully rubbed over where major veins ran.
"It was an attempt to find peace again. Had Sam not come home early...I...I might not...be here now." Both arms went to their previous spots as they hugged tighter than before. "I realized my mistake after that day. I would let NO one rule over me again...never make me feel that lost. I set about building my walls to the general public and distanced myself from my past even more and focused on my studies. They were and always had been a way out of life."
A humorless smile edged her lips again. "Sam felt responsible for the whole thing and said she wanted to make it up to me. It'd been another year and I missed having someone in my life. I felt strong enough to try again. I let Sam fix me up with Eugene, an old friend of the family that she trusted more than Arthur. He was nice enough and I had fun. But I never let myself attach. I told him only the barest of essentials about my life and never let him go deeper. I let him hold me and I kissed him a few times, but that was it. I wouldn't give myself to anyone without it meaning something both ways. I did it to Brad and Arthur...and I vowed never again."
Her head drooped over her knees, feeling tired. "The only reason we managed to go out even five months was because I had school and work. He finally approached me and said he didn't think it was working out. I let him go and didn't get to broken up over it - I wouldn't let myself. I heard a few weeks later he was going out with some girl."
She shrugged. "It's acceptable. I didn't get angry cause I gave Eugene no reason to stay. I've come to accept that they all leave. I wasn't much good for them to stay around and felt the need to push me away somehow. Even after everything I gave... I just wonder if they would've stayed if I had been prettier or more outgoing..."
Her forehead touched her knees, finally giving her jaw a rest. That was enough of her past that she remembered. It was the basest of explanations that would never do the pain justice. They could never understand it because they weren't there. All she had were words and memories she wanted gone. Out of all that...there was nothing to keep. Even the good reminded her of the bad.
Hands tentatively rested over her shoulders after a span of silence. Her breathing stopped when she felt the vague outline of his head and breath on her back. He was silent for a while and she wondered if he was going to say anything. Maybe he was just giving comfort?
These were the moments that counted. He would either get weirded out or understand. Those were the only two choices.
"You are a beautiful person." He slowly whispered, voice tight. "You're smart and intelligent on many things in life...you're wise...creative...responsible...reliable...kind...generous... More so than I will ever be..."
Her head shook, denying all that. No! None of it was true! She wasn't any of those things...she was a weak crybaby...
More tears stung her eyes.
He shifted when her head started shaking and gently turned her around. She went without protest and clung to him again when his arms wrapped around her. Her head buried in his chest as she silently cried and a weight settled over her head. She didn't know what right she had to tell someone all that and he was still around. To say such things to her...hadn't he listened? Why didn't he run away with the rest of them??
Her brain fizzled on the berating questions after a while as she accepted his arms and heat. He was so warm...and he felt so solid... It was a comfort she desperately needed. Despite the realization, she yawned and immediately felt the late hours.
Dark brown moved and widened at spying the hour for the first time. It was almost two! K had to get up for her job in so few hours... He felt guilty and pulled back enough to look at her. The few seconds of 'normality' seemed to let sleep creep in and do some damage. Her eyes were closed, but her breathing wasn't deep enough for sleep. She was already halfway there in a matter of minutes.
"K...Kalie... Come on, let's get you to bed." She mumbled a general groan of concomitance, and stood when hands wrapped around her arms. She leaned against him and yawned again, using a hand to futilely cover it. "Almost there K... What time do you set your alarm to?"
Green blinked at a snail's pace. "I can...do it..." She mumbled. She all but staggered the few steps and pressed a button down. Brown widened even farther at seeing six and the urge to get her to bed to catch precious minutes grew. An almost silent click turned the alarm on and she plopped down on the bed.
He helped her slip under the covers and covered her up. A hand clutched his when he made to stand - wondering where he would find blankets without waking them up - halting both mind and body.
"Please don't leave me alone right now..."
How could he deny that request? She was tired, but the plead was so heavily in her voice it nearly brought tears to his eyes. Without thinking about it, and not regretting it, he pulled the comforter aside and slid in next to her. She shuffled a few inches to the back frame on the small bed...but once he was settled, she shifted back enough to lean against his chest. He didn't hesitate and again didn't think. He was like K in some aspects. Mentioning the long time frames of single life and hating to be alone...of needing someone in your life...he knew exactly what she meant and what it was like to feel alone.
An arm wrapped around her waist and tucked her securely against him as his face stopped immediately behind the curtain of hair. Her body sagged and she quickly drifted off. Just before he followed, he caught the scent of vanilla on her pillowcase and inhaled deeply. His face snuggled against her hair, smelling the same wonderful scent and let it be a catalyst for slumber.
@~~~~~ Time for the third commentary. Finally...THE chapter is out and exposed in the open with Kalie's secrets. ::hands out boxes of tissues and wastebaskets to throw them in:: Because I've emailed a few people mentioning the angst I pull from my life, I will now point out to everyone who doesn't know just what is fiction and what is NOT...because I bet some of it is hard to believe and think I'm just doing it to make the characters suffer. Well...that too. ^^;
The scene from about 5-10 paragraphs down to the telling of family life is real. I wrote all of that on paper one day shortly after that happened to me. Yes I clammed up that bad - it's possible for some people. The family life I twisted a bit, but it happened. Instead of the wife divorcing, it was my father that divorced my mother and I was under my father's custody. Yes I did find out my mom slept with other married men. The studying was changed from books. I was - and still am to some degree - a massive bookworm. I will read anything that can take my mind off things. The first boyfriend is kind of correct. I had something like that - which I assume is a lot of middle school relationships - but I broke up with him, not the other way around, and it wasn't over a girl. The Brad topic was mostly made up and partly taken from my first kiss. 'What do high school boys want indeed?' The third boyfriend and that part happened. I dated a man who emotionally manipulated me for months until I broke it off with him. There are people out there like that so don't think I'm writing this just to make K suffer. The suicide issue is true. Except I saved myself, I didn't have anyone living with me at the time to pull my mind to safety. It's a scary issue to be there, but being 'selfish' isn't something people think about. No one can get angry at K (or me for that matter) for wanting to end. You've never been there, and for those who have...this might've struck a chord. The last scene is real. So will some of the next chapter for that matter.
A lot of this was based on about 80-85% real life occurrences. I specified in the second commentary when I talked about Sam that I was going to put some of my life in this story, and a lot of K I claim. I think I can claim ALL of her in that aspect. Because of the anguish, it COULD be a Mary Sue for making the character suffer something so blatantly out of whack with the real world, that the hero(ine) falls in love with them. That COULD be...if not for that it happened to me, and probably others that suffered similarly. And because I forewarned some-to-all (depending on who read my settings) that I claimed a lot of Kalie's moods, they knew this is not a Mary Sue character.
The rest of this commentary will deal more with things that make up the year 2097. There was a definite view I had of the U.S. when I wrote up profiles. By making it 100 years in the future, I intended on playing things I WISHED mankind would do and heal the Earth to keep from destroying it that much faster. It may seem sci-fi to some, but remember it's 100 years and we can only hope (and pray) someone SMART and young gets into office and doesn't take crap or is swayed by money or officials to get this country put back on the right track for the future generations.
First - solar-powered appliances. Many have seen this, especially when I talk about cars. They make prototypes now, but not many know about it. I would assume in that time frame, someone environmentally inclined would get off their butt and finally talk some sense into the motor companies. Of course oil, anti-freeze, radiator fluid, etc would have to exist as heat would be a BIG time issue...but solar-power would replace gasoline. As for appliances, there would be a generator (like with cars) sitting outside that plugged into the house. Kind of hooked like air conditioners to rooms and appliances would be hooked into the walls like electricity rigging and pipe layout to gain power. Ingenious, ne? ^^
Second - Inaki's cd player and cd size in general. Ever watch Men In Black? When K holds up the little cd when he shows J around, it's the size of his palm. That's the size I was going for. And with the compacting like that, so too would they find ways to make everything smaller (just like they do with everything ELSE). With the ability to make cell phones and land lines, computers and mouses cordless...I think they would find a way to do the same with cd players and other items. All they'd need to do is have a sensor built in like they do with computers and find a way to extend the range. Wouldn't THAT be kewl?
Third - the war issue. I can only hope if someone that ecologically minded got in power, he would realize war is NOT the way to go to solve issues with someone you don't like. So war would be a thing of the past. Roger telling about having to go through it is because we've been involved in the current one for...four years now? He's 72 in the year 2097. I assume it'll go on a lot longer.
Fourth - music. The cds listed that Inaki gives K - and the music they both listen to - is something I took from now and changed the date. I don't know what will spring from folk, country, rock, etc next so I will use this century's music. And when I talk about oldies (as you'll most likely hear in future chapters if not mentioned already) is the 70s and 80s music. Also, by listing the music groups...expect songs in the future in certain scenes.
Fifth - dates/time. With every chapter I write, when I save to h.d, I put down an exact date by M-F, mo, day, and year. (Helps MASSIVELY because I've had to go back and look through for details.) I use the 2003-2004 calendar because it's quicker and simpler to look dates up. Also, putting the date down on letters or mentioning it in stories keeps the reader up to date. I know every once in a while when I read a fiction, I like to keep the timelines straight...so I do the same for myself and everyone else.
Sixth - locations. Of course Miami is a real city. So is Andytown. I looked them both up on mapquest and yes they are in the range of 40 miles of each other. I assume Andytown is small from my search, but I doubt the nationality living within it. I made that part up. Westchester is right next to Miami as well in the 10 mile range. Anything else I envision from cities I've lived in as a kid.
The next ten chapters are going to follow the pattern I've got going. Boy meets girl - check, boy gets to know girl - check, boy GETS girl. The first plot is over with the second beginning. The next ten will deal with Inaki trying to worm his hot, toned little body ::drools:: into K's heart. Me...I'd have given up the first minute he asked to write me (and I know half of you would've given up LONG before that even came about!), but of course K's gotta be stubborn. It's what aggravates readers and gives me story ideas. ^_^
I have to use extra space and say how ecstatic I am about everyone that reviewed before the fiasco and who love this story. (okay I lied about this being shorter than the second commentary...I like to talk, sue me - no wait, don't) Thank you to those that emailed me on the sidelines expressing your concern, and even those who wondered without emailing me. This is the first story I've gotten so much praise for and people involved in. You people are so awesome and I love you all...platonically of course. ^^
Another mention about the eyes. I've emailed this to people, it's in settings (which people really need to read lol), and I'll mention it here so anyone can come back to it without fear of ffnet deleting it on me again. ::growls:: I'm using eye color because it identifies with people. Dark emerald green (think pine trees, or look at the pic I've got on my page) for Kalie, dark brown for Inuyasha (think Kagome or Sango's colors), light blue for Sam. Sam's won't change...but the other two will. I stress eye color for that reason...so there's your little inside info. I just gave away a plot tidbit and didn't mean to so I hope everyone is happy. Just make sure you keep that in mind when that comes around! Just remember I can't divulge story details (as much as my squealing little heart desires to give away plots) and any questions will have to be directed to settings, have to wait until the chapters come out, or I will answer as best I can.
Next commentary will deal with a little bit about Kalie and Inaki. I have pretty detailed profiles for them, and I'll share a few things that make up the characters. Okay I'm shutting up now and hope you like 31. ~~~~~@