Disclaimers: You already know 'em.
The Italian dialogue comes courtesy of one of those text translators that you can find on the web. I don't actually speak Italian, so my apologies if it's a little off. The Spanish intro in episode XV was all me, however.
And now, episode XX of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Vinnie: picked to live in a house...
Annie: and have their lives taped.
Mike: Find out what happens...
Kaufman: when people stop being polite...
Lisa: and start being real...
All: The Real World: The Boonies!
(The Winterson Farm, early morning)
(We see the gang emerging from the bunk house, dressed in their farming clothes. They meet with Vladimir, Winterson, and Cooter to start the morning chores.)
Vinnie: (confessional) I hope we ain't gotta do this much longer. I'm a little tired of this 5:30 in the AM s(bleep)t.
Lisa: (confessional) Awww, my hair's a mess. I gotta say, this stuff's really ugly-fying me.
(Winterson takes Mona and Lisa to milk the cows and collect the eggs from the chickens. Mike, Annie, and Cooter head to the barn to take care of the horses. Vladimir, however, leads Max, Vinnie, and Kaufman to a small shed, where the separated grain shoots are stored. There he hands them shovels and a huge stack of empty burlap sacks.)
Vladimir: Okay. Today we need to fill up these sacks with the grain shoots that we separated yesterday. Later we are going to sell them to the mill to be processed, so we need to get it done as quickly as possible. I'll be here to help you guys.
Max: Hey Vlad, I can appreciate the fact that these chores need to be done, but don't we have a more pressing matter snapping at our heels like a starving alligator?
Vladimir: Yes, Max, I know. We're going to deal with that after breakfast. Woden will be up by then, and we need him to help us.
Max: Oh... okay.
(The guys get to work shoveling the grain from a huge pile into the sacks. One by one they fill up the sacks.)
Max: (confessional) It's tough, working with this grain. Tougher than a gang of cutthroats in Ozone Park at 2AM. But it could be worse. The others and I could be shoveling something else like a politician's campaign speech.
(The guys chat a bit while they are working.)
Kaufman: How's the baby coming along?
Vladimir: Very well, Kaufman. Very well. In fact, sometime today Winterson and I are going to pick out some baby furniture.
Max: Good luck putting it together. You'll have an easier time designing a space shuttle out of potato chips than putting together one of those cribs. Take it from me.
Vinnie: So how much say is Winterson giving ya as far as what furniture you'll be pickin' out for the kid?
Vladimir: (walking towards the front door, then turning around to face the others) Vinnie, it's Winterson. I don't get any say as far as when I can go to the restroom. She controls everything about me. She can't stand the thought of me doing anything that doesn't directly involve her. Apparently my purpose in life is to serve her every whim. She could sense my having a good time if I were halfway across the globe. She...
(The guys appear to be looking past Vladimir towards the doorway. They seem apprehensive, and Vladimir notices.)
Vladimir: She's behind me, isn't she?
(Vladimir turns around. Sure enough, Winterson is standing there, arms folded, not looking too pleased.)
Vladimir: Heh-heh. Hi, honey. I was just, uhh, telling the guys how much I am going to enjoy shopping with you for baby furniture.
Winterson: Good, because you're also gonna enjoy hauling it out to the truck, hauling it into the house, setting it up, and massaging my feet afterwards. It is your "purpose in life," after all.
(Vladimir gets a look on his face that shows he is angry with himself for saying what he did.)
Winterson: Afterwards, if you do a good enough job, I might let you use the restroom. (to the other guys) Do you guys have anything to say, or would you like to help Vlad here?
Vinnie: Just how much we love being here, and doing these chores. See? (Vinnie overenthusiastically resumes his shoveling.)
Max: Uhhh, what he said.
Winterson: How about you, Kaufman?
(Kaufman just shakes his head no.)
Winterson: (looking smug) See you later, Vlad.
Vladimir: Heh-heh, looking forward to it, sweetums.
(Winterson leaves. The guys snicker at Vladimir's little screw-up.)
Vladimir: Laugh now, folks. Just wait until it happens to you.
(The Winterson house, breakfast)
(Mildred comes out and rings the triangle. Everyone comes pouring in. Woden comes from the study to join the rest. Everybody sits down to another huge breakfast of eggs, toast, sausage, biscuits, gravy, and flapjacks. They say grace, then dig in.)
Mildred: So, how did the morning chores go?
Max: Smooth as a naked man's movements under silk sheets.
Mona: (confessional) Okay, Max seems to be using similes and metaphors even more than usual. I'd sure love to know why he does that. No normal person talks like that in everyday conversation.
Woden: When breakfasssst isss over, I need to sssspeak with you guyssss.
Vladimir: Sure, Woden. No problem.
Winterson: Mom, I don't know if you noticed, but we got the milking and the eggs done early this morning. Mona and Lisa are really getting the hang of this.
Mildred: That's good, Valerie.
Lisa: (tidying herself up, using a compact) It's getting a little easier, but it's still dirty work.
Mildred: Well, sometimes you just gotta get them hands dirty. Looking back at your own handiwork makes it all worthwhile.
Mona: (smiling a bit) Yeah, I guess it does.
Annie: Mr. Winterson, can we turn on the radio?
(Cooter nods, and Annie gets up and turns on the radio. The news is on.)
Kyra Silver: (over the radio) Good morning, and welcome to NYNN Radio. I'm Kyra Silver. The search continues for the Horne group, as the White House takeover group has been called. Yesterday the Pentagon had given in to the Horne group's demands for DOD files and 1 billion dollars. The group then left the White House with the President for an undisclosed location. A nationwide APB has been put out for Nicole Horne and all other members of her group, but so far, the group has not been found.
In other news...
(Annie gets back up and turns off the radio, then sits back down. The group finishes eating. Afterwards, Cooter and Mildred return to the chores, while the group, Vladimir, and Winterson follow Woden into the study. Woden closes the door.)
Woden: I wasss able to get in touch with a contact within the FBI, and he wasss able to erase the APB put out on your group, ssssso the police are no longer ssssearching for you.
Vinnie: All right! We can go back to the city.
Woden: No. Not yet. Horne'ssss men could sssstill find you, and kill you. My contact wassss not able to hack into Horne'sssss computer. They have a much more sophissssticated computer syssstem than the police. He couldn't even lock onto a valid IP addresssss.
Max: So you can't find out where Horne is?
Vladimir: No. It is anyone's guess where they're holed up.
Mike: So what are we going to do?
Winterson: Maybe we should stay out of this. If Woden's guys with all their hi-tech equipment can't even find Horne, what chance do we have?
Max: She's right. I realize it's the President, but stick our necks out, even for him, and somebody with a hatchet will just chop off our heads. We should just let the Feds do their jobs. I'm sure they'll get 'em, and save the President.
Woden: Hmmm. Mr. Payne ssseems to be right on target. Okay, we'll ssstay out of it. However, I will continue to monitor the sssssituation. I will ssssee if I can locate Horne. If any information comessss up, we will sssssimply turn it over to the police.
Mona: Sounds like a plan to me.
Lisa: Me too. I wasn't up for getting into a violent confrontation with these people.
Max: Right. Swimming in a bloodbath only leaves permanent stains on your soul.
Vladimir: Okay. Keep an eye on things, Woden.
(The rest of the gang exits, leaving Woden alone in the study once again.)
Vladimir: Well, we managed to get all the sacks of grain full. Let's all relax a bit.
Winterson: Ummm, everyone else can relax. Vlad, aren't you forgetting something?
Vladimir: Oh yeah. I guess we're going to shop for the baby furniture now.
Winterson: (getting the keys to the pickup truck and tossing them to Vladimir) You'll drive.
Vladimir: (sighing) Yes, dear. (to the others) You guys just stay put, okay? Even though the police are no longer looking for you, Horne's people could be.
Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. Sure.
(Vladimir and Winterson leave.)
Vinnie: Oh, uhhh, I think I left my hat out in the grain storage barn. I'll be back.
Max: Okay, Vinnie.
(We follow Vinnie out of the house. After he closes the door...)
Vinnie: Hah-hah-hah. Suckers.
(Vinnie bolts through the fields and "borrows" another pickup truck. Checking to make sure Vladimir and Winterson have already left the property, and that no one else sees him, he drives it to the gate. There are two cleaners guarding the gate. They stop him.)
Cleaner #1: Where are you going?
Vinnie: What? I'm goin' into town to pick up some groceries for the others!
Cleaner #1: All right. Sorry. I have to ask. Gotta make sure we know where everyone is at all times. Vlad's orders.
Vinnie: Yeah, okay. No problem. See ya later.
(The cleaner waves him by, and Vinnie drives off the property.)
(Flatbush Ave., Brooklyn, about an hour later)
(We see the pickup park in a garage across the street from a slightly run-down high-rise apartment building. We see Vinnie get out – he is disguised, this time as a tourist from Texas. He is wearing cowboy boots, jeans (not his usual designer jeans, though), an "I ♥ NY" T-shirt, and a cowboy hat. He looks stupid!)
Vinnie: (confessional) I hate wearing these disguises. I feel like such a tool. But I gotta at least stay hidden. Yeah, I coulda just done what Woden said and stayed outta New York, but I promised A.J. I'd keep comin' by to see her.
(Vinnie goes up to the front door of the building. He presses the buzzer for A.J.'s apartment.)
A.J.: (over intercom) Who is it?
Vinnie: (trying to do a Texas accent) Yeah, this here's Billy Bob from UPS. I got this here package for a Miss Allison Jean Anderson.
A.J.: Who's it from?
Vinnie: Uhhh, it's from a Vincent... uhh, I cain't read the last name. Maybe you can help me.
A.J.: (after a brief pause) Okay, come on up.
(The door unlocks, and Vinnie goes in. He goes up to the fifth floor and goes to apartment 5G, A.J.'s apartment. He knocks on the door.)
A.J.: (from inside) Coming!
(After a few moments, the door opens, and we see A.J., dressed casually, wearing house slippers.)
A.J.: Oh, hello. Are you Billy Bob?
Vinnie: (whispering, speaking normally) Not exactly.
(A.J. takes a closer look. She soon realizes who it is.)
A.J.: (also whispering) Vinnie! How are you?
Vinnie: Good. Can I come in for a bit? Just wanna lie low.
A.J.: Sure. Come right in.
(A.J. leads Vinnie into her apartment, then quickly closes the door behind him. The apartment is full of posters, computers, software, drawings, and designs.)
Vinnie: Are these your drawings? They're really nice.
A.J.: (smiling) Thanks.
Vinnie: Listen, as long as we keep a low profile, I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk with me.
A.J.: Ummm, sure. I guess that'd be okay. Is that why you're wearing that stuff?
Vinnie: Yeah, it is. I still can't afford to be recognized.
A.J.: So are you enjoying having to wear that stuff?
Vinnie: No way. I hate dressing up like such a s(bleep)tkicker. I wanna wear my old threads again.
A.J.: I see.
Vinnie: Well, I'm ready to go whenever you are.
A.J.: Well, can I change my clothes first?
Vinnie: Uhh, yeah, sure.
(A.J. disappears into her bedroom, then comes out a few minutes later. She is wearing comfortable jeans and a tight-fitting cotton shirt.)
A.J.: Okay, I'm ready.
Vinnie: You look nice. But then, you always do.
A.J.: (blushing) Oh, stop, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Let's go.
(We see Vinnie, dressed in his "touristy" clothes and wearing his cowboy hat, taking A.J. all over the city and the two of them doing various things together. They hang out at Coney Island and ride the rides, sit on the grass in the park, share ice cream cones, and get their pictures taken together in a booth. Vinnie removes his hat inside the booth, since there is a curtain, so you can better see his face in the pictures. We eventually see them sitting on a park bench watching passers-by.)
Vinnie: Hey, A.J.! I just got an idea: how about I take you to meet my grandmother?
A.J.: Your... grandmother?
Vinnie: Yeah. She actually lives just down the street from you. You should meet her. She's incredible.
A.J.: Really?
Vinnie: Yeah. She's 95, but she doesn't show any signs of slowin' down anytime soon. And man, can she cook. So how 'bout it?
A.J.: Uhhh... sure. That'll be fine, I guess.
Vinnie: (confessional) I just wanted to say that I don't just take anyone to meet my grandma. Only people that are special to me... I guess that means that A.J.'s special to me. The thing is: my grandma was the one that raised me for most of my childhood. My mother died when I was around 10, of a drug overdose, and my real father left shortly after I was born – or so I'm told. Ma didn't really treat me very well when she was alive – she was too busy getting high.
But I guess that's another story. My grandma sure loved me though. It didn't matter how bad I was – and man was I a bad kid. Y'know, one of the kids that spent more time in the principal's office than in class. But grandma never gave up on me. That's probably what I most admire about her.
(Flatbush Ave., Brooklyn, late afternoon)
(We see Vinnie and A.J. getting out of a taxi and going up to the front of another run-down high-rise.)
Vinnie: As I was sayin' before, A.J., my grandmother's an incredible person. I don't know how anyone could find the time to do half the stuff she's involved in, and at her age to boot.
A.J.: Wow. She sounds really interesting.
Vinnie: Yeah, and real sweet too. One thing, though: she speaks almost no English, so I'm gonna have to translate for you guys. But you'll like her, though, no question.
(Vinnie rings one of the buzzers. Soon we hear an elderly woman come in over the intercom.)
Old Woman: Chi lo è? (Translation: "Who is it?")
Vinnie: Nonna? Me è, Vincenzo. ("Grandma? It's me, Vincenzo.")
Old Woman (Vinnie's grandmother): Vincenzo! È stato un tempo cosí lungo! È venuto per favore su su! ("Vinnie! It's been such a long time! Please, come on up!")
(We hear the buzzer, and Vinnie opens the door, holding it for A.J. He leads her up to the third floor and to an apartment labeled 3D. He knocks on the door. Soon it opens up to reveal his grandmother – a small dark-skinned elderly lady, wearing thick glasses and tattered clothing, with a white woolly shawl. She seems to move about the house with very little trouble for her age.)
Vinnie: Nonna! (kisses his grandmother on the cheek)
Vinnie's grandmother: Vincenzo! Come bello per vederlo ancora. È stato la maniera troppo lunga. ("Vincenzo! How lovely to see you again. It's been way too long.")
Vinnie: Similmente. ("Likewise.")
Vinnie's grandmother: (pointing to A.J.) E chi è questa signora bella? ("And who is this lovely lady?")
Vinnie: Nonna, questo è A.J. È amico di miniera che dato per un mentre adesso. ("Grandma, this is A.J. She's a friend of mine that I've been dating for a while now.") (to A.J.) A.J., this is my grandmother, Carlotta di Ciccolella.
A.J.: (shaking Vinnie's grandmother's hand) Nice to meet you. Vinnie's told me so many wonderful things about you.
Vinnie: (translating what A.J. just said) Dice che è soddisfatta per incontrarlo e che gli ho detto molte cose buone di lei... che ho. ("... which I have.")
Vinnie's grandmother: È piacevole per incontrarlo anche, A.J. (whispering to Vinnie) Tenere su a questo - è custode. ("Hold on to this one – she's a keeper.")
Vinnie: (giggling a bit) Oh ferma, Nonna! Lei me fanno arrossisce! ("Oh stop, Grandma! You're making me blush!")
A.J.: What did she just say?
Vinnie: Oh, ahh, just that it's lovely to meet you too.
Vinnie's grandmother: Farà lei e A.J. è stare per la cena? Faccio il pizziola di bistecca. ("Will you and A.J. be staying for dinner? I'm making steak pizziola.")
Vinnie: (eyes lit up) Va bene! Pizziola di bistecca! Mio preferito! Chiederò A.J. ("All right! Steak pizziola! My favorite! I'll ask A.J.") (turns to A.J.) A.J., my grandma has just invited us to stay for dinner. Would you like to join me?
A.J.: Ummm... sure. That'll be nice.
Vinnie: Nonna, A.J. dice che amerebbe stare. ("Grandma, A.J. says that she would love to stay.")
Vinnie's grandmother: Come bello! Andare il bucato su. La cena sarà pronta brevemente. ("How lovely! Go wash up. Dinner will be ready shortly.")
Vinnie: Sì, Nonna. ("Yes, grandma.")
(Vinnie's grandmother's apartment, about thirty minutes later)
(We see Vinnie, A.J., and Vinnie's grandmother seated at a small dinner table, enjoying a feast of steak pizziola, angel hair pasta, made-from-scratch focaccia bread, and red wine. The three all chat while they eat, taking their time.)
Vinnie's grandmother: Dunque A.J., che lei ha detto lei fa?
Vinnie: She asks what you do, A.J.
A.J.: Well, right now I work as a waitress at Casa di Angelo, but I want to start my own web design firm eventually.
Vinnie: (translating) Proprio ora lavora come una cameriera a Casa di Angelo, ma vuole cominciare la sua propria tela disegna gli affari.
Vinnie's grandmother: Ciò è piacevole, ma non uso quelli. Disegno appena tutti i siti web mie. ("That's nice, but I don't use those. I just design all my web sites myself.")
Vinnie: (smiling a bit sheepishly) She says, uh, that that's a good field to get into.
(A.J. notices a large picture on one of the walls of Vinnie's grandmother, skiing in the Alps.)
A.J.: Oh! You ski, Ms. Di Ciccolella?
Vinnie: A.J. informa del suo sciare. Penso che ha notato l'immagine. ("A.J. is asking about your skiing. I think she noticed the picture.")
Vinnie's grandmother: Oh sì! Quella foto è stato portata l'ultimo inverno, quando ho vinto il Pensionato Aperto in Svizzera. ("Oh yes! That photo was taken last winter, when I won the Senior Citizen's Open in Switzerland.")
Vinnie: She says that the photo was taken when she won the Senior Citizen's Open ski tournament in Switzerland.
A.J.: (whispering) Wow! You were right. She is amazing.
(The foyer, Vinnie's grandmother's apartment, about an hour later.)
(Night is falling as we see Vinnie and A.J. leaving, saying goodbye to his grandmother on the way out. The camera follows as they exit the apartment and go down the stairs. Vinnie puts his hat back on shortly before they go out the front door of the building. Vinnie then proceeds to walk A.J. home.)
Vinnie: So A.J., did ya have fun today?
A.J.: Uh-huh. You're grandma seems really nice.
Vinnie: Yeah, she is. She walks almost everywhere she goes, and wherever she can't walk to, she just takes the Harley.
A.J.: Wow! I hope I get around half as much when I'm old and gray.
Vinnie: Me too.
(The two arrive at A.J.'s building. They share a brief kiss before A.J. goes inside. Vinnie walks across the street towards the parking garage where the pickup truck is parked.)
Vinnie: (confessional) I better get back. The rest of the group probably knows something is up, now that it's gettin' dark.
(Vinnie enters the garage, goes to where the truck is parked, gets in, and drives away. We follow him as he drives. He passes through Manhattan on his way back to the Winterson farm. He stops at a stop light and looks toward his left, towards a huge corporate plaza. He notices a limo stopping in front of the plaza. Out of the limo steps... Nicole Horne! She is flanked by several killer suits, a couple of them with a man in tow. The man is wearing a dark hood over his head. They quickly enter the main building, before anyone can notice them. Vinnie, however, sees this. He also notices the name out in front of the plaza: "Aesir Incorporated.")
Vinnie: (confessional) Oh my god! That was that Nicole Horne broad! I had a feeling that she'd come back to New York. And I'll bet that guy those suits were pulling at was the President... Well, I guess I'm gonna have to fess up about being in the city – the gang probably figured it out anyway. But I gotta tell Woden about this, and the rest of the group.
MTV Announcer: Coming up, on the next episode of "The Real World": What will Horne do now that she's back in the city? And what will the gang do about it? And the gang holds an intervention, for Max? All this and more, on the next episode of "The Real World."
Well, hope this was worth the wait. As usual, please R&R!