How was it possible to feel this happy?
She often pondered that simple question, but never managed to get an answer. Usually she would go back through that night and try to find a reason for being this way...but the next morning usually made her grin and sometimes start a fit of giggling.
Never had she laughed just because she could.
It was mildly embarrassing to get caught like that, because not only would people think her a nutball, but she often zoned out in class if it got too boring.
There was no way to describe how content she was, even though the emotion was so potent. She had been this happy before, but that was in a relationship. This held no implications of anything.
She feared a few times she scared some she knew around campus by being so easily chipper. They'd never seen her like this or so easy to laugh. But their mood improved more because of hers. She was a little merry ray of sunshine, but no one could understand the cause of it except for three the people involved. Whenever asked why she was in such a good mood, a beaming smile would light her face and sometimes she would giggle for the utter strange behavior she couldn't shake.
She never explained to anyone her reasons. She always waved them off, saying she was just in one of those rare moods and didn't go into detail. Even though she finally broke down and told someone a good portion of her life, she didn't intend on spreading that to the world.
How was it possible to feel this happy?
Two weeks. Was it humanely plausible to be this way after two straight weeks??
It was hard to write letters, as she tried to find something to say that would put them back on track. She felt she already told him everything and there was no longer that burning need to tell him something else about herself. Try as he might deny it, she WAS a boring person. But she did manage to get a letter out, short as it was. She ended up rewriting half from the original...having put inserts from that day down. She didn't want to do that...she wanted it done and over with.
It didn't take long for him to respond back, though his was as uneventful as hers. She didn't mind though...getting that letter acted as part of the catalyst to keep her mood going. Just knowing he didn't go back on his word was enough to cement the fact that he WAS staying around. He wasn't going to cut off contact with her.
There were times during her less happy moments when she wondered how much bigger of an idiot she could get. What would've happened if she kept pushing him away, over something as silly as her past? Would he be gone now...regardless if she told him or not?
She stretched in the desk chair and idly tapped a pencil on the top.
As silly as her past...ha! THAT was putting it lightly.
Yet, it didn't seem to bother her that much...and it was not only much easier to get past, but she didn't think of it that much anymore. There were no more thoughts of Arthur or Brad - at least more than normal, and her father truly was a thing of the past.
She had to shake her head at the rage she displayed when talking about him. Sure that still lurked around somewhere in the depths of her soul - as something like that would never die - but now she couldn't get a grip on it. Not like she WANTED to...but it just didn't seem possible for her to get that enraged anymore.
By saying so little, Inaki gave her so much. He would never know how much he meant to her by not leaving as everyone else had in the past. Even sitting through that night and listening to her talk didn't do the contentment justice. She would never be able to explain that depth to her satisfaction. So she would just have to hope that her actions would tell for her.
She sighed and almost disdainfully stared at the books open and closed in sections on her desk. She did NOT want to do homework right now!
That was one of the few times in her life would she ever say that.
It wasn't that she wouldn't, it was she COULDN'T. These thoughts were not going to go away until she found a better way to express them. She wanted to tell Inaki how happy he made her; though she had a small inclination he already knew that by their parting in front of the car. She hadn't smiled like that, or felt like that, in a long time. The reassurance she got by his casual words brought tears to her eyes. That was one of the few times she knew she could stop worrying about something pertaining to her life and just let it be...knowing it would be alright.
She marked her spot in the book with a notebook, resolved to come back to it later. It was only mid afternoon and she had plenty of time to get studying done. She had better, because tomorrow was movie time and she never did studying then. That was resolved for just her and Sam.
Instead of getting up, she shoved all the books to one corner of the desk and grabbed a notebook. Flipping to an empty page and clicking for more lead, she hunched forward...that light feeling coming back.
Inaki,
Yes I'm writing again. Boo. If that didn't scare you, I think another letter before your next one will.
I was just doing a little thinking, as I seem to do a lot anymore, and thought I'd write you. More to the point, I'm procrastinating homework. Okay now that I've thoroughly shocked you and probably given you a heart attack... What I wouldn't give for a camera to see your face when you read that!
I have been unable to stop thinking since you left for home. It wouldn't be so bad except I keep thinking about the same thing every time. It's going to get monotonous soon. It isn't really a bad thing - quite the contrary really. I have never been in a better mood than I have these past few weeks. I find it the most ironic quirk of life that thinking about when you left makes me smile and sometimes laugh.
I'm afraid people are going to think I'm nuts. Especially during class when I get into the fit of giggling. It's a little hard to explain THAT one, and I've gotten a few people who have asked me if I'm okay...which would be a little embarrassing if I wasn't in such high spirits every time I was asked that.
I find it funny I guess. I can be such a dork, can't I? I often wonder who is the more rational or smarter between the two of us. My having college experience certainly doesn't qualify here.
I had no real intention of saying something happened in my life. I wanted to write you for the sole purpose of writing you...and I also wanted to try to explain something I was feeling, but I don't know if that's possible. It's almost embarrassing to even put down on words what happened to me after you left. Though I won't have to see your reaction...it's not clamming up and I'm not used to that. I'm trying not to because you asked and I don't want to jeopardize anything right now.
I'm pretty sure you can tell that I'm happy as I write this. I've been using that word a lot and I'm going to make a recording so I can stop mentioning it to people and save my voice. I'm pretty sure you have a general idea that your decision is a lot of the cause for my attitude. I know you know that, but I just can't seem to stress it enough.
You know this is the first time I will start laughing for no reason at all? I have never really had that happen...not even with all my time with Sam.
I'm not saying this to give you a big head...I just feel the need to get this out and make you understand. Also to say this without being clingy. You are the first person I have said anything in such depth to and you didn't leave. That right there is enough to make me jump for joy. I just feel you don't understand that enough and I have to write you to make sure you know how much you did by doing so little.
I have never been more delighted to have you as my friend. I didn't really have doubts in the beginning, but I didn't know how well we would be able to become friends by only sending letters to each other. I'm sure though, if you went back and looked if you kept any of my letters, that you would definitely see a change.
But one thing is for sure...I have not stopped rambling. Gah...I thought I told you to kick me of that habit! Kidding.
I hope you're doing okay up there and I'll be awaiting your next letter. It's still early and I suppose I should get my butt back to the books before tomorrow rolls around. The last thing I want is to fall behind...and have Sam whine at me because I'm studying when I should be watching movies.
Later,
K
January 24, 2098
She felt a lot better having put a little of that onto paper. There was the feeling of getting something out of your system and she decided to send the letter instead of tearing it up. If it felt this good to write it down...it would do no harm in letting Inaki have this and let him feel the same way. And for good measure so she didn't chicken out, she quickly sealed and stamped the envelope before being able to crumple the paper and save a stamp and envelope.
Green stared at the paper, eyes spearing his address. It seemed like she couldn't stop thinking about him...but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. If he made her this happy by just being her friend, why should she stop? Forcing herself to not think of him would only sadden her when she was quite the opposite.
Teeth bit her lip as she snuck a peek to the stack that awaited her. Not all if it had to be done of course, but she did have another ten pages to read and notes to take. Not exactly HARD...but she wasn't into reading about the history of the Roman empire right now.
There was no thought in what to do next. She wrote Inaki a letter...certainly etiquette and thought demanded it get mailed before too much time went by... No time like the present. With a smile - either from getting out of homework or Inaki's influence - she went to grab an extra sweater and slipped it on. It was still cold for January, but a little warmer than last week.
Spring would arrive soon.
Without telling where she was going, she headed downstairs and grabbed keys from the front table. In mere minutes she was out on the street and leaned back on the bike, trusting her riding capabilities enough to let her hands off the bars.
The afternoon was so beautiful. Time was going so fast anymore it seemed. She knew why that was, and couldn't help to smile again. She was going to end up with wrinkles by the time she actually calmed down!
The thought gained a quiet giggle. Such a mundane reason...she would gladly take the stupid wrinkles if this was the reason they appeared. Hands went back to the bars as she took a corner. Today was a good day and she wondered if his had been the same as hers.
Brown swished. There she went again! Thinking of him in even the smallest of incidents. Green squinted against the sun. But it wasn't all that bad. Forgetting someone like Inaki would only drive her back to where she was and right now she was farther from that person than she ever thought imaginable.
'I wonder what he's doing right now...how he's doing.'
~*~*~
"Here let me get that for you nee-chan."
Brown blinked. "O-okay..."
He smiled and pulled the pan off the stove, gently setting it on the awaiting cooling plates. He gave a congenial look to the elders already seated for dinner and went to put the potholders to use again.
Jayden watched as he all but paraded in glee and her eyes narrowed. Her slim body leaned against the counter as Inaki grabbed another heavy pan and carted it the few feet to the table. On his way back, a hand snaked out and grabbed his arm to stop him, her other going underneath shaggy bangs to his forehead.
"Are?? Nee-chan...nani -"
"You don't FEEL warm..."
He snorted and waved Jayden's hands off. "Oi...is it too hard to believe that I'm HAPPY for once??"
Brown met brown and didn't bat an eye. "Yes."
A playful scowl crossed his face, but his mood swept it away. "Baka." He jovially retorted, crossing around her for the counter. Jayden dumbly blinked. It took a second for her brain to process the retort wasn't actually a retort. An eye closed in confusion. "If you don't move, you're going to get mowed down nee-chan."
Jayden jumped out of the way of the stove and watched Inaki bring the ceramic cup holding eating chopsticks and set it on the table. Hands gripped her hair. "Just WHAT is the deal with you??" She burst out. "You're NEVER this chipper! Not without sarcasm added into the mix and even THEN it's more sarcasm than happiness!"
"Magomusume...don't just stand there, help Inaki."
Snapping to with Mamorah's voice, Jayden turned to wash her hands. "Hai obaasan."
Inaki didn't bother with words, knowing his mood said enough for him, and playfully jutted his hip against Jayden's to make room at the sink to also wash his hands.
"Oi!"
"You're in my way." He explained, still smiling.
Black swished. "You're up to something big, I just know it. What are you and the musketeers planning this time? If it has to deal with me you're going to regret it."
He smirked. "You're safe for now nee-chan...shinpai shimasen."
Jayden's eyes narrowed in thought. She shook the excess water off as he did and they both went for the bowl of salt water. "Then what's up with you? I don't know anything recently good that happened to you...not that you haven't blabbed yet." A sudden thought dawned and shock registered. "You didn't..." Manicured eyebrows wiggled suggestively. "DID you??" Jayden hissed.
Brown widened to painful sizes as his vision whipped behind them to three sets of parents sitting patiently at the table...curious gazes turned to their conversation. Sex was not something he openly talked about with his family, even if it was an accepted subject with them. For that reason, he promptly blushed and fought to dump the salt concoction over Jayden's head. "I - IIE!!" He stuttered, glaring. It was the first time today his mood was altered. "B-B-BAKA! Stop thinking that way! Mou...hentai..." He muttered, pointedly looking into the cooling pan.
Jayden's face flamed a little and she elbowed him in the side. "Atashi?? You should look at YOURSELF first ototo!"
"Whatever..."
Silence finally descended as the two diligently worked, piling up onigiri on a large platter.
It took all of ten seconds for the smile to make its way back to his face. He had never known such a simple happiness before. Not only was he driving Jayden up the wall with wonder and concern, but the days seemed better.
Of course...K's second letter seemed have that effect for him.
I just feel you don't understand that enough and I have to write you to make sure you know how much you did by doing so little.
He got that letter today and the wonder at another so soon prompted its immediate opening.
If he made her happy by just being there, then she made HIM happy by making HER happy...simple as that. He didn't think he could be more pleased than that day he left for home and faced the concern of his obaasan and okaasan.
He was happy to make her happy. She had so little of it in her life and now that he knew, he wanted to do everything in his power to make up for all she lacked. He wanted to make an effort to be around her more...damned be the distance.
I have never been more delighted to have you as my friend.
He almost sighed as he dipped palms in the solution again to coat them. That sentence made him feel so two-faced.
On one hand, he was glad to have recognition in that way from her. Knowing they were more solid than before - especially after everything that happened - was good to know.
But on the OTHER hand...after his self-discovery that took over a month to realize...it made him want to hit something. Someone finally grasped what was going on and told him...then five weeks later he accepted it on his own. Now that he understood reasons for everything that happened and managed to come to terms with his emotions, he was now seen as just a friend.
It never failed.
'Damn it!'
Unmei-sama had the worse sense of humor...that or Unsei-sama was taking a break up there and letting him take crap right now. He gave in and sighed, ignoring Jayden's odd look as he washed the extra rice and salt off his hands.
He left the water running as Jayden turned for it as well and dried his hands before grabbing the plate. His mood dimmed a little and warped as he sat on his zabuton and waited for the last Yamoi to be seated. Seconds later, everyone bowed and with a quick 'itadakimasu' started ladling their plates. He was silent throughout dinner, mood shifting to thought.
He reasoned a lot of his wanting to make K happy would have to deal with these new emotions. That and the fact that loneliness was start to creep on him was a dangerous combination. He just gained a lot of K's trust and they were getting back on track from that episode...she didn't need to be smothered just because he wanted attention.
And wanted to give attention BACK.
He quickly stuffed some nigiri in his mouth to hide a grimace. Both he and K didn't need that kind of issue at this time...not until things smoothed over and time passed. But time was a very potent weapon and it was amazing he managed to beat it THIS long. Three some months - if he calculated right - since he broke up with Cameron. Yet he hadn't found anyone else or bothered looking.
A brow ticked in annoyance as he shoved the remaining ball in his mouth. He was so easy to read...it was pathetic. He knew had he hung out with the guys more, they would've seen through him that much sooner because he lacked someone by his side and hadn't commented on it.
Brown stared at his plate as hands rested in his lap, mindful not to get his clothes dirty.
He hadn't found anyone because he reasoned he had everything going on with K and didn't need to deal with anything else. The newness of the friendship helped divert his attention, but now his mind was splintering. It was no longer satisfied with that. It wanted something else, but he intended on fighting that with every breath he possessed.
K was worried she'd scare him away if she told about herself, but it hadn't occurred. But he wasn't so sure that he wouldn't scare HER away if he told her the thoughts running through his head right now. After hearing her past and how cruelly she was treated by men of any type, he almost felt guilty for acting this way.
It sprung up mostly the night she told him. Hearing how badly she was tossed around made him want to take her in his arms and protect her from all the bad memories so she would never have to remember that again. But he forced himself from moving so she could talk, even though he fought that battle many times. His jaw clenched as he forced hands to move so no one would ask questions.
The rage she held over her father... Granted she had a lot of reason for what happened before she really reached the age of reason...but she still held onto that. If she truly wished to forget her father - which he couldn't understand - her best way would be to let go of that.
Chopsticks pushed around marinated beef on his plate before he finally shoved a piece in his mouth. He would not waste perfectly good food - he would catch hell later with the women.
He didn't know what to do now...not really. He knew keeping this a secret was key to keep their friendship going and make it even stronger than it was now. But why should he ignore something like this? Brown slid closed. He was torn. He would not injure her more than he had, but he would die inside if he left this to fester. Time would allow them to become closer as friends and it would be safe to confess what would probably be a raging inferno - if he didn't date someone else by then. But if it took half a year for K to confide in him...how long would it take for her to not shy away from his emotions?
He didn't want to test it because he already knew of - or could easily deduce - her opinion on dating. She probably didn't like guys very much for screwing up her life, and studied to escape the world.
Not exactly jumping to go out and have fun.
He had to come to terms with this...even if he was all but swearing it to be a temporary thing. If he didn't, this was going to drive him crazy worse than wondering about K's past. It probably WOULD be worse, because the answers were right in front of him, but it was up to him mostly to decide what to do. 'Oh gods...this is going to KILL me!'
He wanted to push his dishes over and slam his head on the table, but knew that'd get a few raised eyebrows - at least - for that move.
"Himagomusuko...is there something on your mind?"
Brown shot up and to the second honorary seat of the table.
"Eh? Nani... Why do you say that hibososan?" He resisted the urge to fidget.
Mira pinned aged brown eyes on her great grandson over her tea. "Because you've been staring at your plate the past few minutes and haven't said a word or ate much." The woman took a second to sip her tea and let the observation set in. "Care to tell us what's on your mind? You'll feel better..."
He mentally grimaced as everyone gave him their attention. Oh gods... What he wouldn't give to crawl in the foot room under the table and hide!
Okay so he was obvious in showing he was thinking heavily on something! That didn't mean he wanted to give away massive speculation when he hadn't even reached a decision yet! But he never denied the opportunity to talk about something and vent or get it off his chest. That was going to be hard, as none of the family ever met or truly heard of K yet...
He sighed and shoved more food around with his chopsticks. "Ano..." His eyes fixated on the small circle he made in the sauce, trying not to feel embarrassed. After all, this was his family here!
A hand reached into his vision and he jumped as his utensils were gently taken away and set on the chopstick rests next to his plate. "Don't play with your food ototo-chan."
A brow ticked in annoyance at being talked to like a little kid from someone mere two years older than him. "I was not playing with it...I was thinking!" He grumbled, snatching his teacup.
"Musuko...I don't think I've seen you this worked up before...is something really the matter?"
Brown softened at the worry in his mother's voice and a hand sheepishly scratched his head. "Iie okaasan. I was just thinking about someone I know... It's been a few weeks since I hung out with her and I was wondering how she was doing is all." It wasn't a full lie - as he hated lying to his family on stupid stuff like this - but it wasn't the full story either.
Being privy to way more information than the rest of the family, Jayden's eyes sparked recognition the quickest. "Is it about that girl you write to?"
He nodded, mentally noting the fact that he hadn't even mentioned K's NAME around the house. "Aa." There was a pause as a few went for their tea, others taking time to eat.
He felt he should say something more, but there was nothing he could say without giving it all away. He didn't want to say he liked a girl he never introduced to the family. What would they think about THAT one? A hand went for his chopsticks and idly picked up and dropped a few pieces on his plate. "You...you don't know her. I - I haven't introduced her yet... She lives down south in Miami after all."
It was unsure whether his family would take offense to him not introducing a friend, or if they thought he didn't trust them enough to bring a friend into the house to get to know the family. Would they hate him because of that? The bond was strong and his family knew all of his friends and treated them as an extended part of the household. For him to know someone kept almost totally in secret on PURPOSE - even though a long ways away - was inexcusable.
"Setsubun is coming up soon, is it not?" Mira casually announced. Startled eyes looked up, feeling off-settled at the wisest of the family acting casual about the whole thing. One who held tradition as important as his hisofusan. Mirthful brown met brown as Mira gave a wink. "We're having the usual again this year. What day is that on?"
There was a small silence as some thought, a few getting almost conspiratory grins. "That would be on a Tuesday obaasan." Omo answered, brown eyes sneaking a look to his son.
"And we are inviting the neighborhood as always this year. Some of them have offered to come help cook. I think a few are bringing their friends as well...so I think that means we can bring friends if we want."
He sheepishly looked to his plate again, feeling his face warm a little. His family was more understanding than he gave them credit for.
"We're all going to be in traditional dress, but your little friend does not have to." Mira continued, putting hands in her lap. "It would prove interesting if we gave her a furisode so she can blend in with the others."
"I'm not too sure how she'd be able to adjust though." Jayden broke in, smirking. "She'd probably try to walk too far or lean against something."
He felt the need defend K's integrity, even though Jayden was just playing. "Oi...K's not that stupid! I'm pretty sure she'd be able to figure out how to move in those things once she put it on!"
"Sheesh, calm down ototo."
"Besides, I'm not too sure she'll want to go to that. Those last pretty late and she has classes early in the morning."
"It never hurts to ask musuko. You don't have anything to lose, but I for one would like to meet her." Kristine smiled kindly.
He minutely sighed as his lips pursed. It wasn't that hard of a decision - invite her or don't. But he was already looking forward to the idea and didn't want to be let down if she said no. "Nothing I can do but ask I guess..." He muttered, picking up his chopsticks.
**I am a BEGINNER Japanese learner...so if these are not 100% correct...please let me know if you care to do so. I only have a web page to learn from, a dictionary, and a few months experience to work with.**
Translations: Atashi?-Me? Onigiri-Rice balls (Wai! Nigiri...YUM!!) Setsubun-Eve of the first day of spring celebrated on Feb 3rd
Unmei-sama and Unsei-sama-Fate and luck (spoken with -sama makes them deities)