Disclaimers: Don't own 'em – Rockstar and MTV do.
Fiction, not fact.
A/N: Just a reminder, the next episode will be the FINAL EPISODE!
And now, episode XXIII of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven strangers...
Kaufman: picked to live in a house...
Vinnie: and have their lives taped.
Annie: Find out what happens...
Mike: when people stop being polite...
Lisa: and start being real...
Everyone: The Real World: New York.
(The community center, in town, early evening)
(We see Max, sitting among the other members of Metaphors and Similes Anonymous (MSA), waiting for the weekly meeting to begin. Max is sitting next to Sam, the guy from episode XXI that Max first met at his first MSA meeting – he has become his sponsor. The two are chatting.)
Sam: So Max, how have things been going lately?
Max: Not bad. I only used a couple of metaphors, but they were both in the confessional, like we all agreed upon. I almost used a simile in a conversation, but I managed to stop myself just in the nick of time.
Sam: (putting his hand on Max's shoulder) One day at a time, Max. One day at a time.
Max: Right.
Sam: And of course, you do still have my number, don't you?
Max: Uh-huh.
Sam: And you do know that you can call me anytime, day or night, if the temptation starts getting to be too much, right?
Max: Yeah. (pause) And thanks.
(Sam nods as Chuck, the group leader, goes up to the podium. He begins the meeting.)
(Meanwhile, at the Winterson Farm...)
(We see the rest of the gang, as well as Vladimir and Winterson, lounging around the living room. Woden is, as usual, in the study; Mildred is making dinner; and Cooter is reading the newspaper at the dining room table.)
Mona: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm noticing a tremendous change in Max ever since he started going to his MSA meetings.
Mike: I do too. He's talking so much more clearly now, and seems so much more down-to-earth.
Vinnie: Yeah, he actually gets to the point a little faster.
Annie: Oh, uhhh, Mike, don't you have some news to share with the rest of us?
(Everyone else gets curious.)
Mike: Oh yes... I got the ranch.
Everyone: Heyy... All right...
Mike: I was able to call the man selling it. I told him I had the money for the down payment, and he say "No problem, son." I dropped the check in the mail, and as soon as the show is over, I am moving down to Texas to take over.
Winterson: Wow, so Mike the Cowboy is about to really become a cowboy.
Vladimir: It must be a dream come true for you, Mike.
Mike: Yes, it is. And I want all of you to come see it once I get it up and running.
Kaufman: That'd be cool.
(Enter Max, who is just getting back from his weekly MSA meeting.)
Mona: Oh, hey Max.
Max: What's up, guys?
Vinnie: Not much, Payne.
Vladimir: How did your meeting go?
Max: Pretty good. (Holds up thumb and forefinger very close to each other) I'd say I'm this close to kicking the metaphor and simile habit for good.
Lisa: All right! Way to go! (starts clapping, and is joined briefly by the others)
Max: So how did everyone else's evening go?
Annie: Not bad.
Mike: Oh, Max, I got the ranch.
Max: Hey, that's great news, Mike.
Mike: As soon as the show's over, I'm going down to Texas to officially take it over. And as soon as I get it up and running, I would like to get all you guys to come out and see it.
Max: Sounds good.
(Cooter and Mildred enter.)
Cooter: We're going to bed, everyone. We suggest you guys do the same.
Vinnie: What for?
Mildred: Tomorrow's church.
(Pause from everyone.)
Lisa: Okay, and we need to be up... why?
Winterson: Oh, I forgot to tell you guys: there's a rule in this house, everyone on this farm goes to church on Sundays. That includes guests.
Mona: Oh, ummm... okay.
Cooter: We leave at about a quarter after nine for Sunday school. Ya'll will need to follow us.
Max: Uhh, sure, no problem.
Mildred: (nodding) Good night, then.
Everyone: Good night.
(Cooter and Mildred leave.)
Vladimir: Don't worry. It's a nice church. I was raised in the Russian Orthodox Church back in Russia, but I hadn't been to church in years before coming here. I soon grew to like it, though. The people there are very nice.
Max: Yeah. I'm sure they are.
Max: (confessional) It's been a long time since I've been to church too. I used to take my wife and little baby back when they were still with me, and I consulted with the department chaplain in the aftermath of their murder, but I soon quit going. Hmm, I guess this is its way of calling back... Uh oh! I'd better go before I use a simile again.
Vinnie: (confessional) Aww, man. I don't wanna go to church. I don't wanna sit there for two hours listening to some preacher tellin' us how awful we are and that we're goin' to hell. My grandma used to make me go when I was a kid. Not to mention enrolling me in Catholic school. My knuckles still hurt from where the nuns used to swat me with their rulers. (smiles a bit) Of course, I learned some interesting stuff there. Outside of the classroom, if ya know what I mean. Most of it is what got me swats from the nuns in the first place.
Mike: (confessional) All right. We go to church. I think it will be fun. I was raised Russian Orthodox too, just like Vladimir, but I haven't been in years. Maybe now is the time to start going again.
Mona: Well, then, I guess we'd better be off to bed, then.
Winterson: Yeah, us too. Come on, Vlad. I need you to fluff my pillows and help me pick out something to wear for tomorrow.
Vladimir: (sighing) Yes, dear.
(Exit Vladimir and Winterson.)
Max: Let's head to the bunk house.
(The gang goes out and towards the bunk house to go to bed.)
(The bunk house, around 8AM)
(We see the gang getting ready for church, putting on their "Sunday best." Mona is having a hard time picking out something appropriate, as most of her clothing is either tight-fitting or revealing. She finally decides on a lacy white dress – the least revealing thing she has. The men, meanwhile, are wearing suits. Mike is wearing a bolo tie, and his cowboy hat. Kaufman wears his ball cap with his suit. Lisa also wears a lacy white dress, but not quite the same as Mona's – it is a bit more pristine and proper. Annie wears a purple flowery dress.)
Annie: Everyone ready?
Mona: Uh-huh. Let's go.
(Everyone goes towards the house to meet with Vladimir, Winterson, Cooter, and Mildred. When they get to the house, they are all dressed. Cooter is wearing a suit with a bolo tie, similar to Mike's. Vladimir is wearing his linen suit. Winterson is wearing her pant-suit, and Mildred is wearing her plain white dress – the same one she was wearing when we first met her in Episode VIII. Woden is also going to church. He is waiting with them in his wheelchair, wearing an expensive-looking suit.)
Mildred: Are we ready?
Max: Yes, Mrs. Winterson.
Cooter: Okay, me 'n Mildred'll ride in our truck; Valerie, why don't you and Vladimir take the van. Take Woden and whoever else'll fit. The rest of you can take one of them cleanin' vans and follow us.
Winterson: Okay. Let's see, there's me, Vlad, and Woden, so we can take five other people. Who else wants to ride with us?
Mona: Max and I will ride with you.
Max: Yeah, sure.
Mike: Annie and I will go with you too.
Annie: Sure, a'right.
Vladimir: That leaves room for one more.
Mona: Hey Lisa, why don't you ride with us?
Woden: Sssssure, Lisssa. By the way, that'ssss a pretty dresssss you have on.
Lisa: (suspicious) Uhhhh, thanks, but I think I'll ride with uhhh, (looking around) Kaufman! And Vinnie! Whattya say, guys?
Kaufman: (nods) Okay.
Vinnie: Yeah, sure.
Mildred: Well, let's get goin'.
(Everyone goes out to get into their vehicles. As they are exiting...)
Lisa: (whispering) Thanks, guys.
Vinnie: For what, Lisa?
Lisa: (still whispering) Y'know... (motions for Vinnie and Kaufman to look over. They do so, and see Woden.)
Vinnie: Ohhhh, okay. (whispering) Don't mention it.
(First Presbyterian Church of Poughkeepsie, around 9:45 AM)
(We see everyone arrive at the church and park their vehicles. While Cooter and Mildred take Woden to their Sunday school class, Vladimir and Winterson take the gang with them to theirs. We follow the gang as they follow Vladimir and Winterson. They soon arrive at the classroom. Vladimir holds the door for the group, and of course, for Winterson. We then see the rest of the Sunday school class – they are a pretty normal-looking, quiet bunch. They seem a bit surprised at all the new faces.)
Sunday school class Member #1: Vlad? I see you've brought a few friends.
Vladimir: Yes, I have. (goes around introducing the group) This is Max, Mona, Vinnie, Mike, Annie, Kaufman, and Lisa.
Everyone: (at random) Hi... How you doing...
Vladimir: (going around introducing the rest of the class) Guys, this is Tim, Kathy, Peter, Andrea, Steve, Greg, Kim, and Gary.
Vinnie: Ahhh, how ya guys doin'?
Sunday school class Member #1 (Tim): Nice to meet you guys.
Kathy: So Winterson, how's the baby coming along?
Winterson: Oh, it's coming, all right. And Vlad sure is helping me out a lot, aren't you?
Vladimir: (forced smile) Well, I try, dear.
Tim: Well, I guess everyone's here, so we should probably get started.
(We see the gang take their seats as the class begins. They read from the Bible, write notes, and discuss the lesson. Most of the gang tries to keep up. Vladimir and Winterson do okay, and so do Mike and Annie. Max, Mona, Kaufman, and Lisa are a little lost, but do their best anyway. Vinnie is clearly bored out of his skull, and does not want to be there. Finally, we come to the end of Sunday school.)
Tim: Well, it's almost time for worship. Vinnie, would you like to lead us in the closing prayer?
Vinnie: (nervous) Ahhhh, sure. Okay.
(Everyone joins hands and bows their heads.)
Vinnie: (praying) Ahhh, Lord, thank you for today. And... thank you that we can all be here. Please bless us all and keep us safe. And... if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take...
(Several people look up at Vinnie, a bit puzzled. Vinnie continues.)
Vinnie: (still praying) ... and God bless us all, everyone. And crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea. Amen. (Does the cross sign with his hands, like Catholics do.)
Everyone: (puzzled, a bit hesitant) Amen.
(As everyone is leaving...)
Tim: Ummm, interesting prayer, uhhh- Vinnie, is it?
Vinnie: Yeah. Thanks.
(The sanctuary, about a half-hour later...)
(We see the gang, as well as Vladimir, Winterson, Cooter, Mildred, and Woden, sitting together in the sanctuary among the congregation. The worship service is well underway, and we are at the taking up of the offering. The collection plate is being passed around, and soon it gets to the group. Vinnie, by instinct, reaches in to help himself to some of the cash, but his hand is quickly swatted away by Mona, who happens to be sitting next to him.)
Vinnie: (whispering) Sorry... Force of habit.
(The collection plate gets to Kaufman, who for some reason thinks it's a trash bin. He dumps a few wads of paper into in, and gets a swat from Annie, who is seated next to him. He looks at her puzzled, then takes out the papers that he put in.)
(The Winterson Farm, around 12:30 PM)
(We see everyone come into the house through the front door, talking with each other.)
Vladimir: So, what did everyone think of the service?
Max: It wasn't bad.
Mona: The people seem really nice.
Vladimir: How about you, Vinnie?
Vinnie: Ahh, it was okay, I guess. I'm just glad I didn't get the whole "fire and brimstone" bit during the sermon.
Annie: It wasn't a bad experience. I'm thinkin' maybe I oughtta start goin' to church again.
Mike: Yeah. Me too.
(Suddenly the phone rings.)
Cooter: I'll get it. (walks over to the phone and picks it up) Hello?
Voice over phone: Is this the Winterson farm?
Cooter: Yes, ma'am. It is. What can I do ya fer?
Voice over phone: Well you can start by getting me Woden, or Max Payne. And don't tell me they're not there, because I know better.
Cooter: What the... Who is this? (signals to Woden, who we follow with the group, and Vladimir and Winterson, into the study to pick up another phone.)
Voice over phone: I think you all know. By the way, you don't really think it was because of you that we let you escape from jail, do you?
Woden: It'ssss Horne.
Max: She's found us.
Horne: Woden. Max. Nice to hear from you. I trust the rest of the bunch is okay. Whether they stay that way is up to you... Take a look outside before you start getting any ideas.
(Everyone does so. They see killer suits at the front gate, holding the cleaners guarding it at gunpoint.)
Horne: Okay, gang. Here's what's going to happen: You will bring along with all yourselves $250 million in unmarked, non-sequential $100 bills into the front lobby of the Aesir Corporate HQ building at 10 PM next Tuesday. That gives you a little over 48 hours to get the money together.
Max: Why should we do anything for you?
Horne: Because I won't be responsible for what happens to your little friend here if you don't obey.
Max: What do you mean?
(We hear Horne on the other end put the phone down, then faint footsteps and the phone being picked up again.)
A.J.: (on other end) Vinnie?
(We see a look of horror on Vinnie's face.)
Vinnie: Oh my... A.J.!!
Horne: We've been watching you guys like hawks ever since the moment you left Rikers, waiting for the perfect opportunity to snatch you guys back. And this is it. We knew Vinnie couldn't stay away from his little friend forever, especially since she's apparently the only woman that's ever given him the time of day.
Vinnie: Hey, f(bleep)k you, b(bleep)ch!!
(We hear the cocking of a gun on the other end.)
Vinnie: No, no, no, no, wait! I didn't mean it! Honest! Just don't hurt A.J.!
Horne: Don't worry. You do exactly what we tell you, and A.J. will be safe as money in the bank. $250 million, Tuesday, 10PM, Aesir Headquarters. Be there – all of you. (CLICK!)
Vinnie: So Woden, d'ya think you can get all the money together in time?
Woden: Nobody'sss giving Horne anything.
Vinnie: What!? Are you crazy!? She's got A.J., and the President too! Whattya mean you're not gonna give her the money!?
Max: Vinnie, think. She's got the President hostage, and we're the only ones who know anything that could bring her little operation down. Do you really think she's just gonna let us all go for a lousy $250 mil?
Vinnie: But she's got my girl. I'm givin' 'em the money if I gotta stick up every bank in New York to do it.
Winterson: Vinnie, Vinnie! (looks at him squarely in the eyes, her hands on his shoulders trying to calm him) Calm down, okay? I understand you're upset, and I can appreciate the fact that you want to help your girlfriend. But this isn't the way to do it. (pause) You've gotta trust me on this.
Max: Winterson's right. This is in all probability a trap, and A.J.'s the bait.
Vinnie: But they'll kill A.J. if we don't show up. Are we just supposed to sit here and let her die?
Vladimir: No. Nobody's going to let anyone die. (pauses) We all need to sit down and calm down. Then... we need to come up with a plan to get A.J. out, and the President... and to make sure Horne will never bother anyone again.
Mona: Vladimir's right, guys. And we've all gotta be in on this. Whattya say?
Everyone: I'm in... Me too... Yeah...
Mona: Vinnie?
Vinnie: (thinks for a second) All right. I'll do it too. Whatever it takes to get A.J. outta trouble.
MTV Announcer: Uh oh! A.J. kidnapped? What's Horne up to? And what's waiting for the gang at Aesir? Find out this and more, on the season finale of "The Real World..."
Well, next episode is it – the FINAL EPISODE. And as always I hope that this one was worth the wait. Please R&R!