She woke up feeling refreshed. She was stretched out across the couch. How had she gotten that way? She could have sworn she'd fallen asleep sitting down, Robert sitting right next to her.
She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. Who knows, she thought. She got up and got on with her day. She had a day off today, thank goodness. She really needed it. She took Ella to the park, spent the day outside with her.
She came back in early evening, made dinner for her and Ella, listened to some music, read a magazine and part of a novel. She turned the television on, started flipping through channels.
"Hi," he said.
"Hi," she said, only slightly surprised this time to find him there. "Sit down, why don't you."
He sat next to her, smiled a little.
"You must be determined to interrupt my television viewing," she said lightly. "There's no Meg Ryan movies on tonight, I'm afraid."
"Pity."
"We could watch something else," she said, "Or we could just talk."
"Whatever you like."
"Okay," she said. "Well, I did have some questions for you, that I'd like to ask." He was quiet. "Robert?"
"I'm here," he said.
"So
you are," she said, and smiled. He didn't smile back. "Robert,
what is it? Is this too hard for you?"
He shrugged. "It's
all hard. It never gets any easier, does it?"
"I
don't know," she said softly.
"I know you don't,"
he said. "And I certainly don't want to burden you, Elizabeth."
he paused. "I know it might seem like I do, but that wasn't my
intention."
"Robert, I know that," she
said.
"I just wanted – when I first came here, I wanted
to talk to you, and I didn't know how to get started, so I thought
the journal would be a good way for you to understand me better. You
seemed to want that too, so I thought it was all right. Later, it
occurred to me that maybe I shouldn't have let you read some of that
stuff, it was way too much to lay on you. I'm sorry."
"You
don't have to apologize," she said. "I'm glad I read it,
but I do have some questions."
He nodded. "All
right," he said.
"The pills," she said quietly.
"Would you really have gone through with it?"
He
looked down for a moment, and then looked back at her. "I don't
know," he said. "I like to think that I wouldn't have. I
never thought I was that weak, but I really don't know. You have to
understand, Elizabeth, I didn't feel like a doctor anymore. Hell,
most of the time, I didn't even feel like a person anymore. I just
felt like I was going insane, from all the pain and the loneliness. I
don't like to admit that to anyone, but you know about it now. You
read it. I can't hide it from you anymore, I guess."
"Robert,
did you ever think of getting some help?" she said gently.
"Seeking out a therapist?"
"You didn't think it
was worth it, for you," he said. "I didn't think I needed
that either. I thought I
should figure it out for myself,
or—"
"Or what?"
"Or nothing."
he said.
"Robert, it's okay to ask for help," she
said. "I'm realizing that now. Also, why didn't you ever call
your family? I know you wanted to."
He shook his head. "I
couldn't." he said. "We didn't have that kind of a
relationship. They had a picture of me in their heads, the successful
surgeon. I wanted to leave them with that picture. They lived
far
away, my brothers had wives and families of their own. I didn't want
to burden them."
"But they're your family," she
said, "You needed someone."
He shrugged.
"And
what about me?" she said. "What if I had come over to visit
after you-- after you had the amputation. Would that have
helped?"
"I don't know," he said.
"I
had to go out of town, a few weeks after you were still recuperating
at home."
I know, I remember," he said, sounding fatigued.
"You left a message."
"I thought about coming by before
I left, several times," she admitted. "Just stopping by to see
you without
calling first."
He looked surprised. "You
did?"
"Yes," she said. "I went back and forth on it. I
thought maybe you were resting a lot and wouldn't want
to be
disturbed. I didn't know if you'd answer the door if I just
stopped by unannounced." She paused. "Would you have?"
"Yeah,
of course."
"Well, I really wish I had," she said.
She reached over and took his hand. "I wish I had done more for
you. If I could do it over, I would."
"Thanks," he
said.
"I'm sorry about Dr. Dorsett," she said. "I
mean, I'm sorry for the pain it caused you. You must know that I
wasn't intending that."
"Don't worry about it," he
said.
"He was a mistake in more ways than one," she said.
"He showed up at a time when I wasn't expecting
anything, and
he seemed harmless enough. I regret now that I leapt into anything
with him."
"Oh, yeah?" he said, and smiled despite
himself. "What happened?"
"He was married," she said,
feeling embarrassed. "He was married and I had no
idea."
"Huh."
"You didn't know, did you?"
she said.
"No, I didn't really know anything about the
guy," Robert said. "I didn't think much of him. He was kind of
a show-off. Reminded me of someone else I knew," he said, and
winked.
"Someone who was arrogant and made smarmy
jokes?"
"Someone who was a much better surgeon than
Dorsett ever could have been." Robert said.
"I agree,"
she said.
"My jokes were better, too," he said.
"Maybe,"
she said, and smiled. "Anyway, I'm sorry that it
happened."
"It's okay, it doesn't matter," he said
wearily. "It wouldn't have stopped that helicopter from
crashing
into me,"
"Maybe it would have,"
she said. He stared at her. "I mean, maybe you wouldn't have
been there, outside,
alone, that day. Maybe you would have been
doing something else."
"Maybe," he said
cryptically.
"I'm so sorry," she said.
"Thanks."
"What
was it like?" she said. "The day you died. There's no
journal entries on that, obviously; I don't
know what you went
through there."
"You know," he said.
"I
know what happened," she said. "I don't know the
details."
"You don't want to know," he said.
"I
do," she said.
He sighed. "Lizzie, it doesn't
matter."
"Why were you outside?"
"I just had to
get away," he said.
More to come......