Today was a day just like any other. Spring was arriving, as was told by warmer temperatures. The days were beautiful and tempting to draw one to be outside.
And she would've gone, if she could find the strength to pull her eyes away from the flowers decorating her desk.
She heaved a sigh, lips pursing, and a finger of the hand propping her head up tapped against her cheek. The other reached out to stroke the petal of a pale yellow rose. She brushed against the fuzz of a deep purple iris and looked to it too.
All this time and he still remembered what kinds of flowers she liked. The only time she remembered telling him about it was for her birthday, but that was almost half a year ago!
Just as she surmised...men like him couldn't exist!
A half grin surfaced as green took in the crystal vase. They were delivered on the fourteenth – how cliché, even for Valentine's Day – and was so confused about getting flowers that she thought they were for Sam. It wouldn't be surprising if her friend got them from someone, or bought them for herself even.
But no...the card attached – and still strapped to the vase with yellow string – had Inaki's very recognizable handwriting on it. With her name attached at the top.
She didn't expect this. She didn't know what to think and couldn't help but wonder why he would do this. Did he have a motive in mind? Was he trying to say something with these? Why ELSE would a guy give a girl flowers on one of the biggest romance days in history?
It wasn't a Buddhist holiday – she knew, she looked them up out of curiosity – so that meant he went out of his way to give them specifically to her. Fingers flipped open the card and she idly stared at it.
Hey K – wow that rhymed – hope you like, because I know they're your favorite. A little something for you to enjoy. Inaki
A smile made its way before she knew she could control it. So thoughtful...
She groaned after a second and gave a light conk with her head to the desk. This so wasn't fair...Inaki wasn't playing by the 'friend' rules. A guy friend didn't send flowers on Valentine's Day; they sent a stuffed animal or candy. Or even something totally different...more on the personal belongings level of some kind.
Something that didn't have meaning to it.
Ever since spending time with him and his family, her brain had been wracking itself to find an answer to give him. It'd been weeks, with no such luck. She didn't want to tell him no, but she couldn't tell him yes. It was a war of pros and cons that she'd gone over so much, it was getting repetitive.
And now he sent her roses and irises...
That didn't help another aspect that arose during a few rationalizing times.
If she wanted him to help her, what did that say about where they were at in their friendship? The beginning was such an unstable time, when she looked back to think about the beginning. She begrudgingly recognized the fact that he admitted she was attractive and that she found HIM attractive. She would have to be blind NOT to!
But she was so uncertain in thinking of him like that due to how many times she had bad things happen with men in the past. It didn't help future relationship possibilities, and she often cursed the fact that she feared going out with someone in case she got attached. She didn't want another suicide attempt because she was too weak to handle the pain and wanted to make it go away...nor did she want to have them stray away because she didn't get attached at all.
One of the worse catch twenty-two's in the world.
So how did she handle this? Her cheeks burned as two very possible kiss situations came to mind. It seemed her heart still knew how to handle things, even if her mind had problems. And whatever she might have thought about Inaki as a friend, something inside certainly didn't mind mixing things up.
She wouldn't have nearly given in twice otherwise...nor would it have affected her so much.
She sighed and cushioned her head with her arms, able to do so with the desk free. Homework had been shoved away today, with school out on vacation for President's Day and no work. Which was a good thing, because having all day to think about it would be good to finally reach a solution so she could put homework on the forefront again!
She situated the vase on the side of the desk so her head could remain on her arms without having to sit up. Green blankly stared for what seemed forever before closing.
She wasn't so sure she wanted to change...but there was a sliver of her that did. She hadn't changed in a sense of formatting her personality into something else...more to the point of evolving into a better person, but holding onto what made her who she was. Wasn't THAT an ironicy? Becoming someone worse than who she was, instead of trying to become someone BETTER than she was.
If she wanted to be a better person all around – find true strength and happiness again – she should cast it all aside and start anew. What better way to shape your personality than with a clean slate? Wasn't Inaki able to do that when he was a child? He was luckier than she was – his personality hadn't been set in stone yet.
"I never thought bad stuff happened in my life, so I can't sympathize. But I can say that it'll get better. You just have to try and give it a chance. I've tried to help others from being this way - to be better people - and I can help you if you want. But only if you want. I can't help someone who doesn't want help themselves."
Green dully stared at the wall as tears lined her eyes. Someone like him... He was so caring for someone he found out about not too long ago.
He was sincere in his offer. So much that she couldn't cast it aside and forget about it. He made her think about what life COULD be like, and she only had that with people like Brad and Arthur. Brad was one of the main people to help her become a little more outgoing in the years they dated. Arthur made her feel happy and she often thought about the future with him entwined.
The emotional manipulation aside...those were the two she – she fell in love with...
Her eyes squeezed shut as fists clenched. She abruptly sat up and mentally berated herself. NO! She was NOT going to fall into that category again! That was too radical to think about anyway. She hadn't known Inaki even a year yet, and she didn't fall in love that easily.
Her head shook. 'Your thoughts are not making any sense dork. You have hours before dinner – go outside and use the fresh air to clear your head.'
Sounded like a good idea. She hadn't been to the beach in a long time anyway, now was no better time.
In minutes, she was dressed for the weather and peeked the door open...finding Sam float past the cracked opening of her door. She smiled and strode over, pushing it open enough to peek through and leaned on the arch.
Spanish music filled the air, providing a good dance beat, and she caught a few snippets of it – having enough practice with the family to know a good vocabulary – somewhere in the song.
Cada vez (Each time)
Cada vez que lo oigo hablar, me tiemblan hasta las piernas (Each time that I hear you talk, my legs tremble)
Y el corazón igual (And the heart is equal)
Y se emociona (y se emociona) (And I get excited)
Ya no razóna (Already no reason)
No lo puedo controlar y se emociona (y se emociona) (I can't control it and I get excited)
Ya no razóna (Already no reason)
Y me empieza a cantar (And I begin to sing)
Me canta así, así (It sings to me in this way)
Her lips pressed together. She loved music and liked to sing on occasion to it, but she did NOT need it telling her part of what was going on in her head! Not even in a different language!
"You want to turn that down some?" She called, wondering how she missed the volume in her room. She hadn't been THAT distracted...
Sam jumped and whirled around - getting an amused smile for being so preoccupied - and went for the cd player. "Sure, sure...make me stop Selena. Philistine."
Her eyes rolled. "You know I like her somewhat...I just wanted to report that I'm going to head out for a little bit."
Sam's brow furrowed. "For what?"
She looked to the floor, arms crossing. "Just thought I'd spend some time outside for once." She muttered. "And I've got things to sort out in my head."
"Well it's not homework. Want me to come with for company?"
Solemn green stared at mildly concerned blue. She – of course – hadn't told Sam what was going on with Inaki, which she seemed to be doing a lot of. Perhaps it had to deal with that she wanted something all to her own was likely, but that was probably overshadowed by the fact that Sam might see this as a dating possibility.
"No. I just need to think over a few things. I'll be back by dinner to get something cooked."
"If not, there are definitely leftovers to munch on."
She nodded and turned for the stairs, feeling eyes until she passed the first set and turned out of sight. Sam was suspicious of course, considering she normally unloaded her problems on the girl...to an extent.
Clamming up on her best friend – odd.
She took a lazy pace to the beach and leaned back in the seat, keeping balance. Hands floated at her sides as she stared ahead, not really seeing.
There was no real way to answer such a simple offer. Just like giving away her past, there was no way to give and no way to ignore. If she said yes, who knew what she'd have to do to get past all the doubts still plaguing her mind. But if she said no, she would most likely continue to rot inside.
The dark parts of her mind had always been with her, ever since she was a child and all but alone. They were there even back then, though not as pronounced or thought upon like now. It was something to fall back on – as horrible as that sounded – in times of anxiety and hesitation. She wasn't accustomed to doing a lot of things that weren't her; she was too organized for that.
If there was one thing she could say about her life, it was that she knew herself. Whether bad or good, she knew what made up her world and personality and liked that. Being an orderly person, she wouldn't know what to do if she had the offer to act loud and out of control.
That was one of the reasons she didn't want to accept change. Order was another...even small things she wouldn't be able to do easily.
Not that changing was easy.
The effect of changing she often daydreamed and wondered about the past weeks. What would she be like if she could say whatever she wanted and had no compunctions about it? What if she could act on her emotions instead of letting them fester and tear her apart...and could actually DECIDE on something for once!
A hand rose and lightly bopped her on the side of the head, even though she had to smile at that thought.
'Wouldn't THAT be a strange thing – to be able to decide something without thinking so much into it and about it. I think I'd go crazy wondering if I made the right decision.' She sighed and pushed against the pedals again.
She could debate this the rest of the week if she wanted and still not get anywhere. Comparing everything and tearing each example apart for meaning was something she had done too much in her life. She was especially good at that – and annoying people with it – but it DID get old after a while.
There was that little thought from earlier which sprouted of Inaki in different avenues. She didn't want to go there at ALL, lest she get into past paths and read too much into it. Getting her hopes up was one of the harshest things she could do, because the fall was harder right now. When she was stronger and more able to take rejection, she would think of how pitiful she was – which came to her occasionally – and shake her head at it all.
It wasn't hard to read into what happened between them though. Two near kisses on the lips, one on the forehead, a few times he held her – which felt too good to pull away from, and the many caring words he gave. Saying she was beautiful and wonderful...how much did she need to look before picking up on the subtle hints?
Brad said the same things when they dated.
She was abruptly jolted back to reality when the bike suddenly shifted to one side and took her with it. She fell in a tangle with a surprised cry and grit her teeth as her hip broke her fall on the pavement.
She would definitely feel THAT tomorrow.
"Owie..." She groaned, slowly pushing into sitting position. A hand reached over and unwrapped her shoelaces from the pedals and she was grateful for wearing pants. Her leg was dangerously close to the chain - one good swipe across her skin and she might be hurt even worse.
Hands went to feel for more injuries and she grimaced, finding them scraped and a few sporting drops of blood. She sighed and gingerly stood, getting back on the bike. Walking with her hip wasn't a good idea, but riding was as bad too. Not like she could put her full weight on her palms now, but she was CERTAINLY not going to try to ride without holding onto the handlebars now.
'If I hadn't been so damn distracted, I would've seen that rock coming.' She sourly mused. A fist-sized rock was given a hefty kick off the center of the sidewalk and skittered across the street. She felt a little better in her revenge and looked ahead, intent on getting to the beach. She could use the ocean to clean her hands if anything...
No more mishaps happened – thankfully – and she took off shoes, socks, and rolled up her pants enough to wade in to her ankles. She squatted down and stuck her skin in cold water and hissed. The pain was gone in a minute, skin slowly numbing.
She kneeled like that, staring to the line of water and sky for a while, forgetting her hands until she couldn't feel them anymore.
"You DO realize that kneeling like that without facing the populous will get you pushed into the water right?" She whipped around nearly lost her balance, but managed to stick a hand in the sand and steady herself. "Not very smart K."
She glowered a little before washing the sand off her palm and standing. "If I were you, I'd worry about me hugging you if that happened."
The two laughed as she stopped at the water's edge and shook droplets off her feet. She grinned and sat down, wishing she brought a towel. She'd have to wait until her feet dried to brush the sand off now. Green stared at her palms, seeing the bleeding stopped at least.
"What happened to you?"
Her vision jerked over and displayed her palms. "I had a run-in with the concrete. Hadn't introduced myself yet – now seemed like a prime time while I got too comfortable on my bike."
"Ouch. You're okay though?"
She smiled and leaned against the sand, staring at the sky. "No harm done. Just a little fall." She pouted. "With a rock that could put a dent in a car door."
The two giggled and a hand patted her hair. "That's what I love about you – your sarcasm never ceases."
"Har de har har Chance."
"Be nice to K sweetheart, I bet that had to hurt."
Chance stuck her tongue out and mimicked her friend's position. "You don't get to hang around the little brat like I do Marisol, you can't say that."
Chance's girlfriend snorted and followed suit in position.
A few minutes passed as other occupants of the area ran around and made noise. She let it slide over her and forgot about why she was really here. The afternoon was warm with the sun and the sand warming her too, but being near the water – with its temperatures too cold to swim in comfortably yet – gave the air a chill.
"So what're you doing here? The little bookworm actually BORED?"
She nudged Chance in the side, partially for ruining it and throwing her back to where she ought to be.
She ignored the girl's whining and stared at the sky, eyes closing soon after from the sun. "It's...nothing major." She muttered, not feeling like talking about it.
How often did she anyway?
"That doesn't SOUND like nothing much." Marisol responded, head turning. Dark eyes stared at her and were ignored. "You sound like something is bothering you."
"Nothing is bothering me."
'Much.'
"Liar." Chance mumbled, face relaxing. "I can tell from your voice that something is going on in your head, but you don't want to tell anyone – like normal."
She sent a dry look over, which didn't do much since Chance's eyes were closed.
Was she THAT easy to read? Or perhaps she didn't hide her problems carefully enough...or maybe her trauma...unless Chance was like Sam and could see her enough to know there was something wrong.
That was a sad thought right there. If she was that horrible at hiding things and people could read her that well, it was scary to see what would happen if she hung around Inaki more.
She gave a small sigh and stared at the clouds.
"I know that sigh. It's a relationship issue, isn't it?"
She looked at Marisol with slightly wide eyes. Her mouth opened, but nothing came out.
Chance's eyes opened and she sat up for a better view of her friend. "How do you know hon?" Skeptic eyes looked to her girlfriend. "She doesn't seem to be in a relationship because she would be happier than this. Unless it sucks - she's still single."
"Not all people are lucky enough to have a good relationship like you two." She muttered, propping her head up against the sand.
The two looked at each other and smiled.
"I still say it's a relationship. Doesn't have to be dating – do you know any people you have a crush on?"
She gave the Cuban an odd glance and went to shake her head. And paused.
Did Inaki count?
She sat up and pondered that. It was hard not to consider Marisol's speculation, given how much she thought about Inaki and the flowers he sent her Saturday. She found him attractive, he was funny, thoughtful, caring – though she didn't want to admit how much, good personality...
Her body froze as something in her heart pinged. She knew that fluttering and immediately groaned, flopping back on the sand. She ignored the pain and covered her face with both hands, still groaning. "No, no, no! Man, this SUCKS!"
The two stared, dumbly blinking. "What does? What's the matter?" Marisol stuttered.
"You're RIGHT - I DO have a crush on someone!" She moaned, rolling to her side. "Not good, not FAIR."
The two kept blinking. "Um...K honey...that's supposed to be a GOOD thing..." Chance got out, patting the girl's shoulder.
"No, no you don't understand. I have a crush on someone who lives forty miles in the MAINLAND. FORTY...it'll never work out! It's not fair!!"
Chance shrugged. "So? That's what Sam's car is for. How did you meet him anyway?"
"I've known him for months. And he's been down to see me all but once." She sat up and shook her head of some of the sand, brushing her arms off. Green met Chance's eyes. "You met him at the Halloween dance."
There was a breath of silence and Chance blinking. She could tell when the light bulb turned on because her friend's eyes widened twice their size. "HIM!? You've got a crush on the HUNK??" A hand gripped her arm. "And you're whining about THAT? I should think you'd be happy! You two are friends – that's an easy in right there!"
"I've met him as well then, right?" Marisol piped up, prying Chance's fingers off her friend. "Give K some breathing room sweetheart."
She smiled at the rescue and swatted Chance away. "I think so. Black hair in a ponytail – though it's normally in a braid – with brown eyes. He's a few inches taller than I am, and he was wearing a samurai costume." She grinned. "I went to a party with him at his family's house recently and there was almost fifty people wearing a lot of the same clothes! It was really cool."
"It sounds like you two are getting pretty cozy...why not think of asking him out then?" Chance asked, grinning.
She glowered. "We may be friends, but I would not use that as a way to date him for one. I'm pretty sure he likes me in that way on SOME aspect because we almost kissed twice...but I don't know for sure. I'm – I'm also not sure about that anyway." A hand rubbed her arm as she stared at the sand.
"If you have feelings for him of some kind, and you think he likes you, why not try for it?" Marisol asked, giving a kind smile.
These two had no clue to her past either, ergo didn't know why she was so hesitant to date Inaki. Even if the idea sounded minutely appealing – something she could at least get used to – part of her didn't want to make a habit of thinking that way in case her speculation turned out to be false.
"Well...there's been...crap that happened in my life...stuff with dating mostly...and it kind of scarred me to the whole idea." She mumbled, trying not to fidget. The fact that she managed to say anything, albeit totally abstract, was quite surprising.
Was it easier to tell now that she told someone who stayed?
Chance sobered a little and grasped her hand. "Crap happens to everyone honey...no one is able to get out of that." The girl gave a squeeze and reassuring smile. "You think Marisol and I had it easy? Her parents hated me in the beginning until they found out being homosexual was no big deal. They still resent me a little because they think I turned their only daughter away from men, but I think they're getting over that."
Marisol nodded and rested a hand on her shoulder. "And do you think that Chance's parents liked knowing that a Cuban – though I was born in America, just like my mother – was dating their daughter? That's a prejudice that will never go away, though we're working on it. I love Chance regardless of that, just as she does me, and we disregard our parents. They don't understand us and we understand THAT."
"You have to think past the past in order to get ahead in life K." Chance added. "I can't really lecture you about good relationships with men because the only ones I had turned me off them for the rest of my life. But with adversity comes triumph. It's the whole Chinese yin-yang thing. Depending on how much you're willing to fight for it and see it through will tell you how much you want it."
"How philosophic of you." She cracked, giving a small smile.
Chance huffed and sat back, letting go. "And here I was trying to give you advice so you'll wave those depressing clouds away and be happy!"
She giggled and leaned back on her elbows. "I know what you're saying, but a part of me is massively uncertain. I mean...forty miles. He's really great and we've already passed a few hurdles – like me meeting his family and getting to know me - but I don't know how big of a step I want to take with THAT. A relationship to me is something serious...I don't casual date."
"We don't casual date either. Together two and a half years now and still going strong." Chance's chin proudly rose and gave a loving grin over her friend. After a minute, attention was thrown to the problem at hand. "So you're so uncertain about a whim...that's understandable. Fear is a very powerful thing, but I guess you'd know that. But I'm pretty sure if you know fear, you know how to get past it or you'd not be here right now. After all, you moved away from home, into a different city, just to go to college. You moved into a house with someone you met by a flier and met her family."
Why was the best advice given through the most unexpected sources?
She looked to the sand again and took that in. So true...she moved away from the home she lived in all her life – though the relationship was nothing to defend - and met so many different people because of it. She gained Sam as a best friend, when before all she had was Sheryl at a good friend at best. She got Chance and all this lovely guidance that was helping her more than if she sat here alone.
She REALLY should do more talking about her problems to those with similar experiences...
"I get what you're saying." She muttered, twiddling her fingers. And...recently...Inaki...he – he offered to help draw me a little out of my shell. Though I haven't given him my answer yet. I keep weighing if it's a good idea or not."
"I HIGHLY suggest you take it." Chance seriously answered, face conveying her emotions. "I mean, look at you! Shoulders hunched up - fidgeting - stumbling over words! Do you REALLY want to be this way when you're a little old lady and forced to live with a dozen cats because you have no life?"
"Sweetheart!"
She grinned at the shock in Marisol's voice. "So I can be as blunt as you are, huh?" She threw back, turning a wry look to Chance.
"No one needs to be as bad as I am – ask Mar – but you could definitely improve. I think if Inaki is offering to spend so much time on you, even from a distance, that has to say how willing he is to help you find confidence."
"That also tells you how willing he is to dedicate himself to you." Marisol added. There was a smile on her face that she caught upon a glance. "Do you really think he would do something like that if he didn't care at all? I think you have your answer about him liking you."
She didn't need to deal with that aspect, though the answers being pointed out were obvious beyond a doubt. Once again, this showed how much she needed to stop thinking and start reacting more. Maybe she'd be able to see how much she was missing by trying to tear everything apart to rationalize.
So she had the answer then...and it didn't even come to her on her own. She trusted her friends and their judgments, even if some of them had no tact.
Fingers pressed together as the familiar vein of dread hit. The unknown loomed, but Chance and Marisol made it seem as inviting as Inaki did. She had that want to change, though her tongue was frozen of saying the words out loud and admitting it vocally.
It was scary...but as Marisol said, if Inaki was willing...who was she to give up on something he probably wouldn't keep offering? There was no way she'd be able to go as far as she probably needed to on her own, not with as many times as she kept wimping out.
She would give it a try...but she was NOT going to think about him in connection with dating, for a while at least. She didn't need that on her plate with the upcoming venture. If what Marisol said was true, it would be true. She would keep an eye on it; though try to keep disbelief out of her observation. If Inaki liked her, she would find a way to deal with that when the time came.
Though the skeptic part of her mind immediately scoffed that he would be interested in her enough to want to date her.
Her feet were more than dry and she dusted off what still stuck to them before going for her shoes and socks. "Well...it's been highly informative. I honestly don't know what I would've done if you two hadn't been here." She stood and offered hands to stand. "Thank you for that. I have to get home now and write a letter."
Marisol gave her a hug and squeeze. "Good luck."
She smiled and backed away. "I'm going to need it."
Not even halfway to her bike, Chance's voice piped up. "Just remember not to chicken out!!" She called.
She laughed when Marisol's voice cut into her hearing directly afterward with a chastement.
Singer: Selena Title: Bidi bidi bom bom