Disclaimers: I don't own Max Payne, The Real World, or anything having to do with either of the two. Rockstar Games owns Max Payne, and MTV Networks owns The Real World.
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to anyone living, dead, or somewhere in between, are purely coincidental.
Well, this is it: the FINAL EPISODE of Max Payne & Co. present...
The Real World
Max: This is the story...
Mona: of seven... Ahhh, screw it!
(Max, Mona, and all the other guests walk off.)
(The Winterson Farm, early afternoon)
(We see the gang in the dining room, with Vladimir, Winterson, Woden, Cooter, and Mildred, all seated around the table, looking at several maps spread out around the table. It is not long after they received the phone call from Nicole Horne.)
Woden: (pointing to a map of New York City) Okay, folksss. Thissss isss where Aesssir plazzza issss, in Lower Manhattan, right along the Long Island Sssssound. The front door issss accesssssed from thissss ssssmall road from Avenue D, right here (pointing). That leadssss into building #1. Building #2 isssss directly behind it, with a front door into it, and a sssssingle walkway connecting the two towersss at about the 70th floor. The main reception area isssss on the firsssst floor of building #1, where we have been told to meet Horne.
(We see everyone nod.)
Vladimir: Okay, here is what I have in mind for getting in, rescuing the hostages, and getting Horne: We all arrive at the scheduled time, but each at different places. Beforehand, we get the money together, just to use as bait. Max, you will enter the lobby with the money, where...
Vinnie: AHEM!
Vladimir: Vinnie?
Vinnie: I'm goin' in. A.J.'s my girl, so I'm goin' in to see her. I'm gonna be the one she sees comin' to get her out.
(A pause from everybody)
Mona: (amazed) You're the man, Vinnie.
Vladimir: (after a pause) Okay, Vinnie, you will enter the lobby in building #1, with the money in a briefcase. Max... you, Mona, Mike, Annie, Lisa, Winterson, and I, along with a small group of cleaners, will land on the roof of building #1, and will work our way down. Horne is supposed to be in the lobby, meeting Vinnie to collect the money, as well as A.J., so we can trap Horne either there or somewhere on the way. Woden will wait inside the chopper and back us up with intel.
(We see the group nodding as Vladimir continues.)
Vladimir: Kaufman, I am going to have you lead another group of cleaners on the roof of building #2. Cooter, if you feel up to it, I'll have you lead a third group of cleaners from the Long Island Sound and enter building #2 from the ground floor. Think you can handle that?
Cooter: You darn tootin'. I used to be in the Navy.
Vladimir: Okay, okay. And I have a friend that will provide the boat for your group to get to building #2. As far as the President goes, he has been spotted in building #2, but we can't get an exact fix on his location. And we also need to watch out for the walkway on the 70th floor. Each of the two groups deploying on the roof will leave a small detachment of cleaners to secure both entrances to the walkway, once they reach them. We need to try to synchronize both of these groups so that they will arrive at the walkway at the same time, otherwise there guards could eradicate one group or the other.
(The group nods.)
Vladimir: I can get all of us guns, but Vinnie, I will have to send you in unarmed, since most likely the guards will pat you down once you enter, and if you arrive with a weapon, it could put both your girlfriend and the President in danger. But once my group meets up with you, I'll give you a weapon, since by that time we should have both the buildings secured.
So, is everyone with me on this?
Max: Yes.
Mona: Uh-huh.
Vinnie: Yeah, let's go.
Everyone else: (at random) Sure... Let's go... Okay...
Woden: If we all follow each of our inssstructionsss to the letter, and keep our witsssss about uss at all timesss... I believe that we will sssucceed.
(Aesir Corporate HQ, Lower Manhattan, Tuesday, 10 PM)
(We see a cleaning van pulling into the small driveway from Avenue D. It parks in the front of a huge well-lit parking lot, fairly close to the building. Out of it steps Vinnie, carrying a briefcase.
Meanwhile, we see two black KA-62 Kasatka choppers approaching the Aesir towers. Aboard one we see Vladimir, Max, Mona, Mike, Annie, Lisa, and Winterson, as well as about six cleaners, riding. They all are carrying guns of various types. Aboard the other chopper are Kaufman and twelve other cleaners, also heavily armed. We then see a boat approaching building #2 from the Long Island Sound. Aboard this boat is Cooter, with his shotgun, leading another group of twelve cleaners. Piloting the boat is Vladimir's friend, Boris Dime (from MP1).)
Boris Dime: So you're Vladimir's father-in-law, huh?
Cooter: Yep.
Boris Dime: That's great. I was wondering when Vladimir was going to get married. I'll bet whoever the lucky girl is is very happy with him.
Cooter: (grinning a bit) Ohhh, our daughter makes sure he keeps her happy, all right.
Boris Dime: (pointing towards the Aesir plaza, off a little ways) Well, here it is.
Cooter: Thank you. (to the cleaners) All right, everybody ready?
(The cleaners ready their guns. Meanwhile, everybody else readies their guns as the choppers prepare to land on the rooftops of the two buildings. We then return to Vinnie, who goes up to the front door of building #1, where there are two guards dressed in silver & black BDUs – the Aesir building guards from MP1. They both pat down Vinnie immediately, then look inside the briefcase, where the $250 million is. Seeing that Vinnie is clean, and that everything appears in order, they let him in. They escort Vinnie to the middle of the lobby, where Horne is waiting by the elevator.)
Horne: (nodding) Vinnie Gognitti.
Vinnie: (similarly) Nicole Horne.
Horne: Where's everyone else? Everyone was supposed to show up together.
Vinnie: They're, ahhh, on their way. They got stuck in traffic.
Horne: Then you should have waited for them to arrive before coming here. This is noncompliance.
Vinnie: Ahhh, come on, Horne. I got your money. All $250 million of it.
Horne: Let's see it.
Vinnie: Show me A.J. first. If she ain't all right, the deal's off.
Horne: (chuckling) I guess you do have a set, after all. (over a radio) Bring A.J. down!
(Within a few moments, the elevator doors open up to reveal A.J., hands tied behind her back, with two killer suits escorting her. They bring her out and stand her beside Horne.)
A.J.: Vinnie?
Vinnie: A.J.? Are you all right?
(A.J., a little shaken, nods. Horne nods to Vinnie, and Vinnie opens the briefcase to show Horne the money.)
Horne: Good. Bring it to me.
Vinnie: Untie A.J. first.
(Horne nods to the two killer suits, who untie A.J.'s hands. She immediately rushes to Vinnie's side.)
Horne: Now... the money.
Vinnie: All right.
(Vinnie closes the briefcase and puts it on the ground, then slides it over to Horne. She has one of the suits pick it up and quickly count it.)
Killer Suit #1: Looks clean.
Horne: Good. Now, you two are about to find out why I wanted the whole group here. I wanted them all to witness this as it happened to them... one by one...
Vinnie: What do you mean?
A.J.: Yeah, he honored his end of the bargain.
Vinnie: C'mon, Horne. Let us go, and the President. You've got what you wanted. There ain't no one left to do you harm.
Horne: Maybe... but it's not good business to take chances.
(Horne motions to the killer suits, who aim their Colt M4s at Vinnie and A.J. They both cling to each other, waiting to be shot.)
Vinnie: (trembling) Well, A.J., it was fun while it lasted.
A.J.: (also trembling) We'll always have Coney Island.
(We hear two gunshots. Vinnie and A.J.'s eyes close, but soon they open back up. They look down – they're not shot! We then see both of the killer suits drop dead, a hole through each of them. We then see the elevator, open to reveal Max, Mona, Vladimir, Winterson, Annie, Mike, and Lisa, guns trained on Horne and the other guards in the lobby.)
Vladimir: Horne, oldest of all my hags... call off you're dogs and let Vinnie and A.J. go, or you'll be full of even more lead than those two put together.
Horne: (chuckling some more) Vladimir Lem. Still full of catchphrases, I see.
(Vladimir, Max, and the rest of the group cock their guns. Horne, still smug, nods to the guards, who drop their weapons. Vinnie takes A.J. and goes over to meet his friends.)
Max: You guys okay?
Vinnie: Yeah, but half a second later, and we might not be.
Mona: Here. (tosses Vinnie an Ingram, which he cocks and aims at Horne.)
Vladimir: (over a radio) White Russian to Bartender. Come in, Bartender.
Woden: (on the other end) Go ahead, White Russian.
Vladimir: Building #1 is secured. The Prune has been bottled.
Horne: (sarcastic) "The Prune." Real mature, guys.
Woden: Well done, White Russian. Jack Daniels, Triple X, come in.
Kaufman: (over the radio) Go ahead, Bartender.
Cooter: (also over the radio) Go ahead, Bartender.
Woden: What'sss the ssstatusss on Building #2?
Cooter: Building #2 is secured.
Kaufman: Confirmed, but we can't find the President anywhere.
Woden: 10-4. White Russian, did you copy that?
Vladimir: 10-4. (puts away radio, then retrains his gun on Horne) Well, Horne, I guess you're working for us now. You can start by telling us where the President is.
Horne: Sorry. I can't do that.
Lisa: (stepping forward, trying to stay calm) Listen here, you dried up old bat: because of you, we have been forced out of our nice comfy house that we loved, thrown in jail, and forced to work on a farm out in Sticksville. I have broken my nails, gotten pecked by chickens, and have gotten kicked in the face by a cow. All this because of your petty little insecurities. You owe us BIG. So you can get started making it up to us by handing over the F(BLEEP)KING PRESIDENT!!!
(We see the others in complete and utter shock at Lisa's little outburst.)
Lisa: (confessional) Wow! I don't know if I've ever gotten so angry before, at anyone. whew I need a Tylenol.
Horne: (still smug) Ms. Punchinello, is that any way for a lady to talk?
Max: Be that as it may, you're taking us to the President. And you'd better make it fast. We're deadly serious. Deadly serious.
Horne: (pausing, then sighing) All right... I can take you guys to him. He's in the mainframe room, under the buildings. You'll need me to go with you to get you in.
Winterson: Under the building?
Vladimir: That's why we couldn't get a fix on his location. He was under the buildings. Plus there was probably signal interference from the computers.
(Horne leads the group into one of the elevators. The interior walls are all covered with mirrors. However, as soon as Horne walks in, the mirrors all crack.)
Horne: Hmmm, those have been doing that a lot lately.
Max: (whispering to Mona) Go figure.
(The group gets on the elevator. We see Horne type in something on a keypad before hitting the floor button for the basement.)
Max: (suspiciously) What did you just type in?
Horne: Oh... the code. You need a code to access the basement.
(The elevator soon arrives and opens up to reveal the basement, an underground vault full of computers, including the mainframe. It appears deserted. Horne leads the group a little ways inside the room. They see the President, seated on the floor next to one of the mainframe terminals.)
Max: Mr. President?
The President: (a bit suspicious, seeing Horne with the group) Who are you guys? Are these your friends, Horne? They aren't Democrats, are they?
Max: Mr. President, we're here to get you out. We have this complex secured, so nobody will bother us on our way out.
Vladimir: And the police are on their way, to arrest Horne.
Max: They are?
Vladimir: Yes, I had Woden call them a little while ago.
The President: Woden? Senator Alfred Woden?
Vladimir: The same.
(All of a sudden, the elevator doors open to reveal many killer suits, with Kaufman, the cleaners, and Woden held captive. They aim their M4s at the group.)
Horne: Well, well, well. I see my guys are right on time. That's what I love about them: they're so punctual. Drop your weapons. Now.
(The group pauses, then Max decides to take out the group, using of course some cool shoot dodging moves. The rest of the group covers the President. Max returns to "regular time" after managing to kill all of the killer suits. Some of the others are dumbfounded.)
Annie: What the heck was that?
Winterson: Oh, he does that sometimes during a firefight.
Max: Just a little trick I picked up.
(The rest of the group retrieves their guns and aim them at Horne. A couple of cleaners tie Horne's hands and feet, while several others escort the President out.)
Mona: You're not moving until the cops get here.
Woden: Good work. I knew we could pull thisss off. (looking at Horne) I guesss thisss meansss that the Inner Circle issss now down to two memberssss.
Vladimir: Well, actually, it's soon going to be down to one member.
Woden: What do you mean?
(Vladimir aims his gun at Woden's head.)
Vladimir: Sorry, Woden, but all I have to do is knock you off, and I get the whole Inner Circle to myself.
Vinnie: V-Vlad? What the f(bleep)ck? What are you doin'?
Mona: You're turning on us now?
Vladimir: (chuckling) Don't be silly. I'm not turning against you. It's just... this is too good an opportunity to pass up. Do you know what I could do for you guys with the Inner Circle at my complete disposal?
Max: Vlad! Don't! The cops will be here any minute!
Vladimir: And they'll see that, unfortunately, we lost one in our rescue of the President... This is between me and Woden. Play ball and I'll reward each and every one of you beyond your wildest dreams. Don't, and... (shaking his head) well...
(The group watches in horror as Vladimir aims his gun at Woden. We hear a gunshot. But Woden isn't dead. He isn't even wounded. We then see Vladimir, rubbing his hand in pain, his gun dropped on the floor.)
???: All right, knock this crap off!
(Everyone turns to see, getting off the elevator, a young man dressed in a black dinner jacket, wearing a silver ring. He seems to be very important.)
Max: Who are you?
???: I am TheMerryVingian. I own this fic. And the first thing I'm going to say is: no flip-flopping! One thing I can't stand is flip-flopping, especially in MY fics.
Horne: (starry-eyed) Are you here to get me out?
TheMerryVingian: Hell no! I never liked you.
Horne: (frowning) Darn.
TheMerryVingian: Take her away!
(The cops and the FBI arrive and cuff Nicole Horne. They then escort her out of the building.)
Horne: (as she is being escorted out, sighing) Nobody likes me.
TheMerryVingian: Like I said before, Vladimir, I can't stand flip-flopping. And it especially saddens me to see it from you. I really liked you, but you broke a cardinal rule of mine.
Vladimir: So what are you going to do? (sarcastically) "Write me out of your fic?"
TheMerryVingian: No. There isn't any need for that. (after a pause) Winterson.
Winterson: Yes?
TheMerryVingian: I noticed that there's a few tractors on your parents' farm that need fixing.
Winterson: Uh-huh?
TheMerryVingian: And if I'm not mistaken, Vladimir is kind of your handyman around there, isn't he?
Winterson: That's right. I could just have Vlad fix 'em up, couldn't I?
Vladimir: No! I mean, uhhh, I don't know how to fix tractors... I don't have the tools... I...
Winterson: Vlad!
Vladimir: (sighing) Yes, dear.
(Vladimir hangs his head and starts walking towards the elevator like a dolt, Winterson following him. Shortly before she steps on, she stops to speak to TheMerryVingian.)
Winterson: By the way, I really like that jacket you're wearing. It looks really good on you.
TheMerryVingian: Thank you. (takes out his cell phone) ... Yeah, it's me. Send a bouquet of flowers and a wine & cheese basket to Winterson's place. (hangs up)
(Winterson, smiling, steps on to the elevator. The doors close and it goes up.)
TheMerryVingian: Now, the rest of you...
Max: What? What did we do?
TheMerryVingian: I let you guys do this fic to give you the opportunity to show that there was more to you than just some shoot-'em-up video game. But that's exactly what this thing ended up being.
Mona: Well, what were we supposed to do? Horne had the President.
Vinnie: Not to mention she kidnapped A.J.
Mike: She gave us grief over a party, and over the public access TV.
TheMerryVingian: And if you guys would have waited, I could have written her out in a befitting manner. I had a brilliant season finale all mapped out and ready to go, but because you guys had to take matters into your own hands, my finale has turned into just another clichéd, shoot-'em-up, brainless script of the same old crap.
Kaufman: So what happens now?
TheMerryVingian: Now this fic's over. And it's back to the world of video games for you guys. Hmmm... I feel like... a Dead Man Walking level today.
Max: Aww, man. I hate it when players choose a Dead Man Walking level.
Mona: Wait!
TheMerryVingian: Yes?
Mona: You can't just cut it off now. The readers need some kind of an ending. You can't just leave them hanging like this.
(TheMerryVingian thinks for a minute.)
TheMerryVingian: You know what, Mona? You're right. Okay, I'll give you guys your ending. But afterwards, you go back to the game.
Max: (after a pause) Okay.
Woden: Missster... Vingian, is it?
TheMerryVingian: Yes, what do you want?
Woden: That ring on your finger. Can I have it? You sssee... it'ssss my birthday, and I wantsssss it.
TheMerryVingian: Hey, zip it, Gollum, or I'll write you out.
Woden: Sorry.
(Our Lady of the Annunciation Catholic Church, Manhattan, three months later)
(We hear the Wedding March being played on an organ as A.J. enters the sanctuary, wearing a wedding dress. Beside her is a man, in his early sixties, with graying hair, wearing a nice suit. This is A.J.'s father, Gregory. He walks her down the aisle to give her away. We then see Vinnie, standing at the end of the altar, waiting for A.J., flanked by his best men: Max, Mike, Kaufman, and Vladimir. On the bride's side we see A.J.'s bridesmaids: Mona (the Maid of Honor), Annie, Lisa, and Winterson. Soon A.J. reaches the altar, and her father gives her away to Vinnie to be married. The music ends as Gregory makes his way back to his seat, and the priest begins to speak.)
Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Allison Jean Anderson and Vincent Peter Gognitti in the bonds of holy wedlock. Who gives this bride away.
(A.J.'s father and mother stand up.)
Gregory: I, Gregory Alexander Anderson, father of Allison, and Martha Katherine Anderson, mother of Allison, give away our daughter, Allison Jean Anderson, to be married.
Priest: Who will speak for the groom?
(Vinnie's grandmother and another young man who looks very similar to Vinnie, stand up. The young man is Vinnie's brother, Peter.)
Vinnie's grandmother: Io, Carlotta Maria di Ciccolella, la nonna di Vincenzo, e Pietro Vincenzo Gognitti, il fratello di Vincenzo, riconosce ed accetta il matrimonio di Vincenzo Pietro Gognitti a Allison Jean Anderson.
Vinnie's brother: (translating) Carlotta Maria di Ciccolella, grandmother of Vincent, and I, Peter Vincent Gognitti, brother of Vincent, recognize and accept the marriage of Vincent Peter Gognitti to Allison Jean Anderson.
Priest: (beginning his sermon) Marriage is a very sacred and beautiful institution, holy in the eyes of the Lord...
(As the priest does his sermon, we see Max and Mona glance at each other, and smile. We then see their hands – they are wearing matching wedding rings! We also see a button on the lapel of Max's tux. It reads, "SIMILE AND METAPHOR FREE FOR 90 DAYS."
We then see Mike and Annie glance at each other in the same fashion. On their hands are engagement rings! We also see in the coat pocket of Mike's tux a pamphlet. It says on the front, "Big Mike's Cattle Ranch."
Next we see Vladimir and Winterson look at each other. They actually smile at each other. The camera then tilts down to Winterson's side to reveal Vladimir and Winterson's baby. It's a boy!
We then see Lisa look at Angelo, who is among the congregation. They smile at each other. Kaufman then looks out to see... Candy Dawn, the hooker from MP1, who was the "Candy" that Kaufman had danced with at the house party from episode XI and XII. We see at Kaufman's side a pet sheep. It's not the same one that he had growing up, but it is very similar.
As the priest's sermon draws to a close, we see others out among the congregation: Cooter, Mildred, Woden, B.B. and Violet (together, mind you), Alex and the female party guest (also together), Bravura, and many, many others that were in this fic. The camera then returns to Vinnie and A.J., and the sermon ends.)
Priest: Do you, Vincent Peter Gognitti, accept this woman, Allison Jean Anderson, as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?
Vinnie: I do.
Priest: And do you, Allison Jean Anderson, accept this man, Vincent Peter Gognitti, as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?
A.J.: I do.
Priest: If there is anyone here today who feels that these two should not get married, then let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.
(Nobody speaks, and the priest continues.)
Priest: Then by the power vested in me by the Lord God Almighty, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.
(Vinnie lifts A.J.'s veil and gives her a long, beautiful kiss. Everyone applauds.)
Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you... Mr. and Mrs. Vincent Peter Gognitti.
(Everyone applauds again.)
(Outside the church)
(We see Vinnie and A.J., hand-in-hand, running out of the church, followed by all their friends and family, throwing rice. The two reach the limo, then A.J. stops to toss her bouquet out towards the crowd. Candy Dawn catches it. She looks at Kaufman. Kaufman gulps nervously. Vinnie and A.J. then get into the limo.)
Vinnie: Lemme tell ya, A.J. You're gonna love Sicily. Very romantic. And I brought my Captain Baseball Bat Boy sheets, cause it's high time to, ahhh, "break 'em in."
A.J.: (giggling) Oh Vinnie, you're so naughty.
(We see the rest of the group, and Vladimir and Winterson, watching and waving after the limo as it drives off. The others then look at each other.)
Max: You know we do have some time left, before we have to get moved out of the house. What do you say we all watch Address Unknown together, one last time?
Mona: Sure. It'll be great.
Lisa: I agree.
Annie: It'll be great bein' in there one last time.
Mike: Yes, it will.
Kaufman: I'm gonna miss you guys.
Vladimir: We can still keep in touch. The end of the show doesn't mean the end of us.
Winterson: That's right. We'll still talk to each other. And with Vinnie and A.J.
Mona: (smiling) I'm glad to hear that.
Max: (also smiling) Let's go home.
(We see the gang walk off into the sunset, arm-in-arm (think "St. Elmo's Fire"). Eventually they disappear over the horizon.)
THE END
Well, thanks first and foremost to all of you guys who took the time to read my fic, and even more thanks to you guys that took the time to R&R.
Thanks to for providing the site for me to post onto.
Thanks to Rockstar for creating the Max Payne series, without which I would not have had the inspiration for this fic, and for not suing.
Thanks to MTV for creating "The Real World," also without which I would not have the inspiration for this fic, and for not suing.
Thanks to everyone else whose name I used for not suing.
Just because this fic is over doesn't mean that I'll stop writing, so watch for other stuff from me.
Until then, be safe and be cool :-)