"I know you don't understand college life because you've never really got into it, but this is IMPORTANT."
"So is this."
"Not as bad as studying for semesters!"
"Tests come and go, but if you aren't strong enough to handle life in the end, all the tests you take aren't going to help you out."
There was almost a stony silence before the barest of sighs sounded. "I. Have. To. Study."
More silence accompanied that and it seemed she would get away with a weekend of solo time for something that mattered as much as what she was spending quite a bit of time on lately. The week gave no time to herself with as busy as she was, and her only free time was mostly spent with Inaki.
"Don't you do enough studying as it is?"
She heaved a sigh and scowled. "I have classes that need my attention – I am not paying to slack off in them."
"I'm not saying you do...I was just mentioning that you do quite a bit. Don't you study during the week as it is? Take a break once in a while."
Her jaw clenched as a hand clutched the phone. "I DO take a break. May I remind you that for over an entire MONTH, my weekends after work have gone to you?"
"And I think we've made some good headway too. But you're still a long ways away from being as good as me."
A smile tilted her mouth into a smirk. Her head dropped as she plopped down onto the mattress, hand propping her head up. "You're not going to give in until you get your way are you?"
"It's only a few hours!" He exclaimed. "What is more important to you? Getting your life back – which I'll remind you that YOU allowed me to start – or a little bit of studying?"
The stony silence returned. "You cannot POSSIBLY make me decide something that important." She bit out.
"Pllleasseee?" He drawled, using as youthful a voice as possible. "If necessary...we can use some of your books and I can think up a few scenarios for studying in the meantime. What do you say?"
"I don't retain well with distractions." She denied.
There was no getting out of this, she knew there wasn't. With Inaki, when he got an idea in his head, it was best not to put up a struggle.
Too bad she was too stubborn about her grades to give in that easily.
"Well then we can test your abilities."
His happy-go-lucky attitude was rather annoying when right now all she wanted was a little stability in her life. Her brain picked apart that Sunday all week in classes and she was lucky to even be able to take NOTES. Now was the time to study and try to pick up what she could, otherwise she was not going to finish this set with high marks like the others.
She didn't question his actions and had gone along with them, taking comfort in the contact he gave. She missed it and allowed herself to get drawn in. After she left and the next morning rolled around, she realized exactly what she let happen.
She let herself start to get attached.
Never again, she swore. She'd do whatever it took to keep from another Arthur to drive her to near death. She'd come so close that day and had seen the light. Now she'd do whatever it took to keep from getting to that point ever again.
Even if it meant she kept her distance from love. For there was always the possibility of change – as she was proving to herself – and love to dwindle.
"K?"
He startled her out of frustration and self-anger enough to remind herself she was quite tightly clenching her fist again. She let go and shook her hand to take the sting out and looked to her palm.
There were more purple gouges there.
She pulled the phone away and took a deep breath. A month, but that was not going to alter a lifetime of what she was. She resolved to help herself, but it was times like these when she didn't know how much good it would do. If she DID become different, it just meant the darkness would become even darker and hide even better.
"Kalie...are you there?"
She didn't know what fetish he had for being so pestering, or why he seemed to care about her, but it was times like these when he didn't give up to give her some space was when he got annoying. She wanted to push him away in spite...even if she wouldn't mean it. It was those things that kept her from having friends.
But the anger in her life wanted an outlet and when it got to this boiling point, she didn't care who it was directed to.
"It's...nothing." She tightly answered, standing to pace. She had to hold this in or release it in the only way she could right now...OTHER than biting his head off.
"Sounds like something. Don't try to fool me – I've spent enough time around you to know when you hide something. What's wrong?"
Know her? He didn't know her! One month was all he had the real chance of being around her. What gave him the mindset to say what he did?
"Nothing is wrong." She repeated. "I – why can't you – I need –" She paused and put a hand over her mouth. Spouting useless words...she needed to take a few seconds and gather her thoughts!
Silence accompanied her fumbling. If he was trying to find words as she did, they would both be trying for a while.
She slumped to the floor and scooted back to lean against the frame. Green blinked at the ceiling for a while, hearing breathing on the other line.
Finally, he answered. "You can tell me anything that is going on with you, you know." He reminded. "Good or bad and you know I won't judge you. You know I don't like to judge others. Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?"
Her shoulders sagged, but her jaw remained tight. 'Lashed out quite well with THAT one didn't you? Well...you effectively killed the wind in his sails.' She retorted.
"No." She muttered. "But this is FINALS weeks. You know how important grades are to me. I need to study. As much as you think my new life is bigger, it's not. What I learn is going to determine the rest of my life as much as how I act. You need to understand that."
There was a small pause. "I DO understand that K...but I ALSO know why you study so hard. You haven't gotten away from that, but you have to get out of the habit of running to hide in books to avoid embracing life or you won't be able to be the person I know you can be. You need to understand THAT. Do you think – even with a college degree – you'll get anywhere if no one feels you can loosen up or allow others to get close to you?"
There was a small urge to hit something. She knew he was right and that's why she wanted to take her anger out on something what couldn't fight back. Battling wits and words with him was not going to get her alone. He was not going to let her; especially now when he knew something was wrong.
"How I act is not an issue on the job. I won't be a prankster just because it'll make other people laugh."
There was tension through the line, but also sadness she could detect. As if he was...disappointed? But over what?
"All this time... I know it's not much, but I would've hoped you'd take to heart SOMETHING..."
She looked to the floor, feeling embarrassed and guilty. It wasn't like this was anything big...it was just something she thought would help her to keep from letting herself fall again. But yet she allowed herself to be this way. She was feeling guilty...and she felt like apologizing...
Her body froze, but an unmistakable anger – one normally reserved for Arthur and the others that hurt her – clenched her fist into painful proportions again.
Her tongue felt as forked as a snake's and with fangs to boot. She wanted nothing more than to verbally sink them into him to make him feel as bad as she was right now. Whether or not he knew what he was making her feel she didn't know, but she was tired of feeling this way!
"It's only been a month." She answered, feeling detached and emotionless. "And we've only got together on the weekends. That right there counts more like two weeks. You've taught me a little more how to meet people's eyes and stop blushing so bad is all. That little bit of time is not going to change me."
"K?"
Her eyes misted as she inhaled a shaky breath. "I'm not asking for much here – just a simple day to get me back on track. I've been distracted all week and I haven't been able to concentrate on schoolwork like I should. I keep thinking about something pertaining to you and how I should solve it."
"K..."
"If you know me as you say, then you know I don't decide anything willingly. I have to understand what I say - I have to plan what I say. That's who I am and that's who I'll probably always be. If I change for the better, this will always stay with me."
"Kalie...I –"
Her grip on the phone tightened. Somewhere in her mind, she realized not only was she lashing out, but she was spewing thoughts from her mind that hadn't been said before this call. Other than her big spill the first time, she hadn't spilled any emotional grief.
"I never ask from much for people. I'm not asking much from you. But here you are, not giving in and bending a little...and making me feel horrible. I feel like I HAVE to let you come over so we can spend MORE time on changing me. Well I'd like a little time to myself for once! It seems like I NEVER get time to myself. I don't want to feel this way! I just want to study. I've got tests to study for Inaki. Let me study for them."
She blinked as a scorching trail down her cheek was felt and quickly wiped it away. She quickly forced her emotions down a little – crying was only going to make her worse than she was and then she wouldn't be able to speak.
Her eyes squeezed shut when silence over the line increased. The dead air buzzed in her ears and she mentally berated herself. She'd gone and hurt him...just like she wanted. And now she felt twice as bad and like she should hurt herself in return to make up for it.
"Kalie...why...how did...when did this happen?" Green slowly fluttered open as she stared at the wall in confusion. What did he mean by that? "You...when did you slip? I thought things were going so well...you improved before my eyes. I thought I was succeeding and helping you feel good about yourself...so you didn't have to feel this way..."
Tears increased and her vision swam. The feeling of guilt increased.
It hadn't been as long as he surmised. He hadn't helped her as much as he thought he had. Was she resisting him deep down and only pretending to be helped? It was unclear, because many of the laughs and smiles she shared were genuine and she honestly had fun times with him.
But it all went wrong that night he held her.
She wasn't to that point where she would allow herself to get close. Getting touchy feely with anyone raised her hackles and she pushed them away in any way she could. That would probably be the last thing she had to work on, and that would be the worst thing to overcome. She had so much to lose with that aspect...allowing Inaki in would probably be the biggest test of her life.
"I'm coming over. You can't be alone right now."
She jumped and a rather sharp sense of panic hit her. "What?? No, no you –"
"No arguments. This needs to get worked out. If you slip, I just need to help you back up."
"Inaki?? No – no you shouldn't -"
There was a grave click on the other end. Wide green stared at the cordless, unable to think of a way to find reason in this.
Inaki was coming over. He was going to see her like this. He was going to look into her eyes and find all the anger and pain she was feeling.
"Oh...oh god...oh god no!" She urgently whispered, quickly standing. Panic increased as she paced a little. She couldn't let him see her like this...she would feel like a disappointment to him. He tried so hard! She allowed him to help her and swore to herself she would get better! She didn't want a confrontation with him. Not now!
The beeping of the phone still on jolted her and helped to calm her a tad. She picked it up and blankly stared at it before clicking it off.
What did she do now?
She heaved a sigh and gripped her knees tighter.
Twenty minutes ago. Inaki would be halfway here by now, with no way to contact him to talk him out of it and apologize for being such a bitch.
Her forehead thudded on her knees. 'You are SUCH a moron! Why did you go and blow up like that?? Had you kept it friendly, and been a LITTLE serious, he might have relented! Idiot!'
She sighed again and rested her head on her knees, returning to staring at the wall as she did after she turned off the phone.
The scenario kept repeating itself in her head and there were so many different ways she knew of now to redo it with better outcomes. But there was no way to change it now and it was best she prepare for his arrival and to think up a damn good apology and way to dismiss it as if it were nothing.
A very quiet knock sounded and her head jerked over. She stared with wide eyes, not wanting Sam to see her like this. Hands swiped over her face to make sure nothing of before was still visible before she moved. "Yea?"
Sam's head peeked through with a small smile. "Hey... I heard you yelling a little while ago from downstairs. Something the matter?"
She watched the girl edge in and felt bad for making EVERYONE feel bad. A hand scratched her head in disguise so she could look away from concerned blue. "Ah, yea...sorry about that. Inaki was being too persistent about wanting to hang out again. I've got semesters to study for, but he didn't seem to get that."
Sam smiled and stopped at the edge of the bed. "You two are hanging out quite a bit recently. Is there something I should know?"
The matchmaking scene was NOT something she needed right now. Inaki's emotions toward her were the reason she attacked him and he was coming over!
She looked up and glared. "We are NOT dating if that's what you mean. I really wish you would stop trying to fix me up with him!"
Sam plopped down, ignorant of her friend's attitude, and clasped her hands. "But he's so CUTE! And funny, and thoughtful, and well-built..." Sam gave a dreamy smile and sigh.
Her head slowly shook when the blonde fell to her mattress. Her lips curved a little, humor healing the gap she felt whenever she was this way. "If you've got such a crush on him, YOU go after him."
A hand waved off her proposal. "It'd never work out. He's not interested in me in the least and I'm not his type." Sam pouted and pretended to cry. "It's SO not fair! He has me ready to fall into his arms, but yet he wants you and only you! What do you have that I don't??"
She looked away and solemnly stared at the wall. Besides angst...what indeed? She often wondered that with ANY guy she dated, but after a while let it go. If they saw something, they saw something she couldn't and it was best she stop trying to look. It had to be a guy thing she figured, but with Inaki different than the others she dated, she had to wonder again...and this time, she didn't let it go.
"I have no clue." She finally mumbled, flopping back as well. "He has me so damn confused. I never knew he was so touchy-feely, but he is and I can't handle that. He held me last Sunday and now I don't know WHAT he feels –"
There was a gasp and happy cry before her hands were snatched up and shaken rather wildly.
"You never told me THAT!" A playful swat was given to her shoulder. "You little sneak! What's the big idea in keeping something so important from me?? I'm your best friend – that means I get dibs on boy-talk when they come on to you!"
Green blinked through a rather odd look. "You're so strange, sometimes I fear for my safety."
Sam giggled and faced her friend. "At any rate, this is good news – DAMN good news! It seems you may be distant by the look in your eyes, but Inaki sure is warming up to you. I see you're going for the tried-and-true hard-to-get approach."
She gave a bored look and turned her head away. "I am NOT doing that crap! I don't want Inaki like that. He and I are friends and I won't change that. I've got too much on my plate with college and life as it is to be doing another botched failure of dating."
There was no retort back and after a minute, she looked over and found an even expression greeting her. Sam was rarely silent in this way and it unnerved her, mostly because something was going on in the girl's head.
She sat up and looked away again, eyes locking on the books she wished to plow through. The hours were wasting away and she was using up perfectly good time. "It's not a big deal with me anyway. I can't stop Inaki if he has feelings of some kind for me, but I won't encourage them. He offered to help me out of my shell and I accepted, but other than that, we're just friends."
"Then he's doing a poor job of trying to help you."
Brown swished as her head whipped over. "Say what?? We've been at it for a month and I've made at least SOME progress."
Sam humorlessly snorted. "Then it's not him – it's you." A finger pointed her way. "I've seen you pessimistic before, and right now you're at your finest. Do you HONESTLY think you'll be able to change unless you get rid of this side of your life?? They won't hurt you anymore K – when is that going to sink in so you can get on with your life??"
Her defenses immediately rose and she looked away again. "I know that. But I don't know what the future will bring. How do I know what will happen in a year or two? Do I allow myself to get suckered into dating another manipulator? I've had enough of them."
"I can't argue. But you won't know unless you try. I've seen you happy with Inaki, but this is one of the few times I've seen you so sad and bitter."
'Only because you haven't seen the others I've hid from you.' A fist clenched.
"If Inaki can make you that happy – happier than I've seen you – then you need to put all your eggs in one basket for once and REALLY give him a chance. What have you got to lose?"
Her body froze. Slowly, she looked over with an icy look. "Don't you DARE ask me that. You know what I've got to lose. You were there - you stopped me! How can you say that and mean it??"
Sam looked to the bed with hooded eyes. "Yes I was there. I saw and I did what I thought was best. I haven't been as good a friend as I could have if you were driven to that." Teary blue looked to green and green blinked in shock. "If you trusted me enough to vent your fears and pain, maybe you wouldn't have thought of suicide! I've always given you reason to trust me, haven't I?"
"Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?"
She felt like a total heel...to both Inaki and Sam. Arms extended before she knew what she was doing and wrapped around the pudgy girl. Sam hugged her tightly, sniffling a few times.
Green misted. "I...I didn't mean to not trust you." She whispered, resting her chin on Sam's shoulder. "I didn't want to unload all my problems on you. We both had college and life to deal with – how was that fair to you?"
Sam's arms squeezed in a bit of anger. "That's what...I'm...HERE for!" She tearily argued. "Estoy...su amiga! That means you can come to me...with anything on your mind...even if it's NOTHING."
She felt shame and didn't bother to shake it off. She deserved this...
There was no way to make it up to suit her needs, so she just sat like that, holding Sam to comfort her. Tears and emotions left her mind, leaving guilt and humiliation in their stead. Her mind shut down of words and silence buzzed in her ears, her heartbeat thudding.
Then a knock sounded downstairs.
The two jumped and pulled away. She harshly swallowed and stared into blue. "That'd be...Inaki." She mumbled.
Sam went to wipe her tears. "He was coming over?" She mumbled. "You never told me that."
A finger tapped on her bed. "I...I never told you that I...kind of...lashed out at him..."
A hand covered her fidgeting, halting it. She looked up and found a sad look. "Talk to him. If you really want to change K, then let him know what you NEED. How are ANY of us going to be your friend if we don't know THAT?"
Her jaw clenched, but she managed a shaky nod. "I – I can't promise...anything." She whispered. "But I'll...think about it."
Sam smiled. "That's all I ask." The two silently left the room and Sam headed into hers instead of following downstairs.
She stopped and stared as the door quietly clicked shut. Her hand clenched on the rail, looking to the front door in sight. Did Sam feel so horrible that she didn't have the heart to give them a matchmaking ribbing right now?
She made everyone feel bad or brought them down in some way...and this was why she always kept it to herself. She was tired of bringing everyone pain...but she always felt it by keeping it to herself and from others.
Another knock sounded.
She hurried downstairs to open it. She didn't want Inaki thinking she wasn't there – or that no one was – just because they exchanged a few bad words. She didn't want to be that cruel that she'd lose him as a friend to spite him.
Even if she already had.
She turned the lock and shook her head before opening the inside door. 'You're such a hypocrite. Why can't you ever decide on what you want to do?? Why do you keep going in circles?!'
The biggest question of her life, and yet she had no answer. Feeling emotions of every color of a rainbow, but not being able to pick and stick with one.
Solemn green met concerned brown through the screen door. She blinked and looked away, turning to her shoes. "Just give me a minute and we can leave." She muttered.
He took initiative and opened the door to get a better look at her. "You...want to leave?" He stumbled, trying to pick his brain up. He didn't know what to expect, but it most certainly wasn't a confrontation away from here.
She nodded and finished tying her laces. A hand reached up and grabbed her keys. The weather was warm enough to not need a coat now, and all were put away anyway.
But she wouldn't feel much anyway...as she didn't emotionally right now.
"I want to get out of here...there's too much on my mind for any clarity."
He seemed to grow thoughtful as she stopped to meet his eyes. Brown looked away to his car for what seemed the longest time and his jaw clenched a little, before he looked back and nodded. "Get anything you want for a while...I know of a place you'll like and you'll have plenty of privacy to talk."
Which meant...talking with HIM. She didn't argue and cast a final look to the stairs, sending a mental apology for her behavior, before letting him out and locking the door behind them.
The drive up was apprehensive and unbreakable. Not once did she look his way, her head staring out the passenger window. He spied a few looks, seeing some of her sideways profile, finding her brow down in thought and a distant look in her eyes. Whatever was going on in her head, it was massive because the look remained the entire drive and her eyes didn't clear.
He drove around the edge of the city, taking the car to the end of the forest. The road ended a little ways away, but the walk would be no big deal.
"We're here." He quietly announced, opening the door.
She copied him and looked around once she was out and locked the door behind her. "Where's here?"
He started for his usual trek, a relaxed look on his face. "My spot."
She wracked her brain to see if she remembered him talking about a spot, but it was too full right now to think of anything pertaining to Inaki. The whole drive was pondering her issue with Sam in her room and the girl's words. And what she should do.
The forest was silent, save for their footsteps crunching leaves and a few insects making noise. A few birds took flight from nearby trees, but otherwise the tension was still there.
She partly didn't mean to put it there. Her wish to leave was unexpected, as she betted Inaki didn't mean to come all the way back north. She felt a little bad for making him take her up here – even though she didn't know where he had in mind. She wasn't assured to spill her guts and let him help her past this, and now he had to take her all the way back to Miami and come back AGAIN to go home.
Good thing there was no gas to worry about.
She paused when Inaki suddenly stopped and had to sidestep him to keep from running into him. She covered the mistake by looking up as he did and met a rather big tree. She blinked and cast him a silent, odd look.
He relaxed the more they walked into the forest. The spell of this area once again hit him and everything from the car melted away. Standing in front of his tree, one of the biggest in the area, he felt as if he were introducing K to a family member and visa versa.
"This tree I always climb when I come here." He quietly answered, striding to it. He stopped inches away and rested a hand on the bark, looking up. "This is the spot I come to when I need to get away or to think." Black swished as he looked over his shoulder to her. "I thought...since you have the beach as yours...that you'd like this as I do."
How sweet.
She managed a small smile and nodded, looking around. She turned and took in the land, feeling a little calmer and loose as she stared. "It's...nice..." She finally got out. She took a few steps to him and the tree. "I can see why you'd want to keep coming here. It's serene."
He nodded and leaned against the trunk, hands going to the pockets of his jeans.
She managed to meet his eyes for a while, mostly trying to figure out what he was thinking – as the look on his face gave away – before looking to the next tree. "Trying to find a place to dig in?" She quietly joked, humorlessly smiling.
A hand directed her chin back, but it didn't startle her as much as it used to. She was actually waiting for it, as he had a habit of moving her chin when she looked away. But meeting his eyes, having grown in intensity, she frowned and pulled away from his touch...the few times she'd ever done so.
His brow furrowed the barest of degrees in thought and confusion. "I was just wondering when I should say anything...but I guess now is a good time."
She nodded and stepped back before turning around. "I suppose I should apologize." She answered, striding for a tree across the way. She stopped at the trunk and looked up. "I had no reason to be so crass with you for such a petty thing as studying and I'm sorry I snapped."
His brows went up as she debased something so important to her. Sometimes he couldn't figure out what she was when she kept going on and off like this. She had so many emotions – most of them bad in some way of course – and it was a marvel she didn't see how much she used. Surely she had to notice it at least a LITTLE...
He watched as her hands rose to a branch and latched onto it. She was not going to get off the ground and get away from this, and that's exactly what she was trying to do. He knew enough of her to know that.
Her arms clenched and she swung her legs to the branch, wrapping around it. The crunching of leaves forced her to pause and she looked upside-down for the briefest of seconds...before a pair of hands wrapped around her waist and she was suddenly pulled off the tree.
It was highly unexpected and there was no way for her to get her balance. She dropped like a weight, but thankfully didn't fall to the ground. Inaki must've been prepared, because he steadied her as her back hit his chest rather harshly. His arms encircled her waist fully as she tried to gain footing and clenched to help her.
Her heart sped and adrenaline ran with it. She grew tense - as she normally did - but this time, she didn't loosen after a few seconds.
After a few mental orderings, she stepped out when his arms didn't move. Earlier came back, all the way to the week of disorder. She wondered what he held her so long for, finding no cause in it except to hold her and took a step to distance herself. She always turned to mush in his arms it seemed, so if she could keep him from touching her, she would get to the bottom of this.
"K...what..." Brown blinked and stared at the back of her head. Her shoulders were hunched, and she didn't turn when he said her name. His head tilted. She never walked away before...had he done something wrong? Was she that angry with him? "You're...still mad from the call?"
She gave an inaudible sigh, staring at the leaves underfoot. How to put this without breaking their friendship, or being untactful? There were a few things in mind, but none she could express to her satisfaction.
"I –" Her lips pursed in thought. After a while, she kneeled to the ground and sat, staring at the trunk. "I - I want to know...why."
He stood in bewilderment for a while before slowly circling and sitting to face her. She stared at the trunk and he let her, knowing his touching her seemed to be a problem – much to his chagrin. She turned to look at him after a few silent minutes and solemn green met him.
"Why what? I don't understand."
It was so funny how she wouldn't meet his gaze for the longest time, yet now it seemed pinned to his...and it was a little unnerving. It seemed to see through him, to search for something. He didn't know what she was looking for, but if she wanted to know...all she had to do was ask and he'd gladly tell.
"You – you keep...touching me. You never did in the beginning. Was I such a stiff that you're just now doing so because I've calmed down? Why? That's what I want to know."
He looked away, looking to his tree and mentally pleading with it to give him strength. The even tone of her voice did not convey that she'd believe much of anything right now. She detached and he had to find a way to get her to connect so she didn't discount his words.
He had the most basic explanations, but how would he be able to get his point across when she was like this? It took a while of contemplation before he was able to answer. "I think you asked me that once before." He quietly began. Brown returned to stare at green. "You asked me why...do you remember?" Green dulled a little as her lids drooped, but she nodded. "Did I not give you my answer then?"
After a second, she looked away, but it was easy to see skepticism in her eyes. He didn't think she'd believe him.
So it WASN'T just because she loosened up...a part of her didn't think it was. She wasn't an expert on men, but she DID know when they flirted with her – verbally or physically. One would have to be blind not to at times with Inaki.
Whether or not he meant it was an issue. He certainly hadn't meant it when they first met, but this time was different. She didn't know how...but there seemed more emotion put into it. His charming smiles weren't empty – they shone in his eyes, and he leaned toward her when he talked.
She knew what that was at least.
Even now, she was hesitant to believe it. Did she want to get involved and let something blossom between them? He was a good man, a great person, but she wasn't so sure she was ready for something like that.
A hand took hold of hers and her teeth quickly paused from nibbling on her nail. Wide green met his eyes as she scanned them for any emotion to pick out. What was he touching her for this time? Did he find her habit irritating? What was it??
She didn't lax and he could feel her pulse flutter under her skin. He felt a little sad in knowing she didn't seem comfortable around him and let go. He looked away, heart clenching. Perhaps, showing his emotions to her in such a manner scared her and that's why she was acting this way.
He should've known...someone like her who had so much healing to do...she wasn't ready. He'd been greedy and there was no taking it back. They could not escape this conversation because he had an urge to hold her and flirt because he felt something for her.
"Inaki...what..."
Brown closed. "I...don't know what to say that'll make you believe me... I can't find the right words to make that happen."
Her mouth opened to deny that...and closed. He was right – she hadn't believed him since he brought her here.
"I'd like to apologize." He quietly answered, still looking away. Bangs hid his eyes from her. "I've been selfish."
She startled a bit. "You? How? I don't...understand..."
A humorless smile appeared. "No, you wouldn't. You're still so innocent, even if you don't seem like it sometimes. I keep forgetting that, even with all the time I spend and see more of the real you, and I let myself get carried away."
"You – you're not...making sense Inaki. I don't get it."
He turned and grasped her face in his hands so quickly she didn't have time to move back. Intense emotion greeted her and she shivered from it. "I touch you because I want to. I hold you because I want to. I let myself feel something for you because I want to. It's not hard to misinterpret." He stared into her eyes for a second. "Yet you do – you wonder why I do that." His gaze softened and he let go, looking away. "My heart...it hurts when you do that. Don't you believe in me at all?"
Her heart and jaw clenched. She felt even more horrible than earlier over both friends. A hand clenched over her heart, feeling it heavily thud underneath the confines of her ribcage.
She couldn't take his words without picking them apart. She still doubted too much and that was killing her heart. She knew the answer was right there, but she couldn't – wouldn't – believe it. Why...why him? Why would he like her? Was she someone so special that he'd waste perfectly good emotions on?
Her mouth opened to try an answer, but she couldn't find words to comfort him. He watched and turned away with a sigh. It felt like a sledgehammer hit her and a thread of panic sewed her veins with ice.
He just turned away!
Without thought, arms latched onto his back, holding him as if he would run away any second. She startled him – understandably – but didn't care. Her mind was too preoccupied with what he did to see what she was doing.
"Kalie?? What –" He tried to look at her, but she wouldn't let him turn. She shook and a hand rested over hers. The other moved and clutched it tightly. His heart pinged.
"You said you wouldn't leave." She tightly whispered, tears forming. Green squeezed shut. "I thought you wouldn't turn away from me. Please don't turn away from me! I'm sorry for whatever I've done. Just – just don't...don't turn away from me..."
His heart bled and he felt guilt in waves. He turned and slowly loosened her hold in the process. He never knew when he said those words that he wouldn't leave her behind, but apparently actions said enough for her to make the assumption. It never occurred to him she'd take that as such a threat to her psyche and regretted doing so.
Because she just slid right back to where she was.
Her arms latched around him again and he held her tightly to him as well. They sat like that for a while as he let her get through it in her mind.
"I didn't mean to do that. I didn't know it meant so much to you and I'm sorry for that." He pulled her from the confines of his chest to see her eyes. A hand rose and a thumb slowly wiped tracks away. "It was stupid of me to not see something you hold in such importance. Please forgive me."
She sniffled and blinked, trying to calm down. Her head finally shook. "It's...it's okay. I was just...being overly emotional again. Is that part of your 'training'?"
He sobered and scowled, resisting the urge to shake her. "You shouldn't be trained to feel emotion...that's something all human beings have the privilege of! I'm helping you to discover the hidden strength in yourself, but you are bringing out your own emotions."
His hand cupped her cheek and they silently stared at each other. His gaze lost any harshness and softened. She watched the transformation and became uneasy when he kept staring at her like that. When his face slowly lowered, she pulled away and stumbled back to the ground.
He was so startled at her movement – not thinking she'd pull away like that – he didn't move when she stood and took a few steps away. He watched her stop, back turned, before jumping to his feet and taking a cautious step to her. "K..."
"Why??" She whispered, arms going around herself. She felt small right now, but couldn't combat it. "You did it again. And you...you almost –" Hands briefly covered her mouth. "Why?"
His head dropped. She STILL didn't understand – what would it take for him to make his point known??
"I told you." He softly answered, pondering another face-to-face talk. They kept going in circles with serious talks like these and he wondered if anything would ever come from it.
Her head slowly shook. "Then, I guess...I won't ever understand..."
He gave her back an odd look. "Why won't you understand? It's so simple. Do you doubt me that much?"
Her head shook again, this time with twice the speed. "Not you...myself. I'll never understand what anyone sees in someone like me."
She did NOT just say that! Hadn't he made her a list – hell a FEW of them – when she asked the same question??
"I keep looking at myself in the mirror; I think of every good thing I've done; I study my personality and make mental lists...but I just don't know. Does that make me more than my own worst critic? I just can't find out what you would find interest in such a shy, weak-spirited person such as myself..."
His anger rose that she'd debase herself so. A hand whipped out and latched onto her arm – a little tighter than he wanted – and yanked her to face him. He off-balanced her, but was prepared and kept them both standing.
"You always do this to yourself...do you enjoy putting yourself down?!" He hissed, shaking her shoulders in desperation to try and make her see. "Do you know how much that hurts ME as your friend to see you demean your good qualities?? You have PLENTY of them, but you won't see because you still hold those assholes in mind! Why won't you get past them?? What is holding you back??"
Tears gathered in her eyes, but his anger made her go on defensive. She tried to twist her arms out of his grip, but he wouldn't let go. "I don't want to fall again!" She finally cried, still struggling. "I fell in love and it hurt me! I don't want to attach myself to someone and be in the position where I'd let myself give up on life! Do you know what that did to me the first time?? I CAN'T become attached or I'll fall - it's inevitable!"
It took a second before he remembered to breathe. Her words hit him hard. He knew some of them, but just with her, he didn't accept it until it was thrown in his face.
He shook her again, gentler than the last. "But you're stronger than that – you KNOW you are! I know you are! You can't let past experiences let you not feel for people in the future. How are you ever going to find true happiness??"
Whether he was talking about himself or not she didn't know. She knew her resistance was rising on skeptic defense again and let darkness swallow her.
"My happiness has never been an issue. I've never had true happiness like you have. I don't have the life you will. I've fallen in love almost twice and it burned me, Arthur worse than Brad. What incentive to I have to like anyone again??"
Her harshness at such a big subject ate at him and his jaw clenched tightly. He wanted her to be happy, but she wouldn't even let HERSELF be first. He couldn't allow that, and he HAD to make her see that!
"You can't be serious in saying you've never wanted to be happy. Have you ever allowed yourself to have crushes or like anyone after your suicide attempt?? Have you shut off so completely that you'd become a robot? Society isn't everything you know, and a job means shit if you have no one to come home to at the end of the day!"
She gave a sour look and glared at him. "You don't know me, though you say you do. My liking someone in recent years doesn't matter with college. Those I know, I will never let in or like in any way because I do not allow myself. I will never fully trust my friends or have feelings for them."
"And what about me? Are you saying you're going to ignore what we have?"
Her mouth opened to continue her demeaning, but her eyes widened at the emotion in his eyes. What did he mean by THAT?! Her mind was frozen, but her body responded by releasing yet MORE adrenaline to dilute in her body with her galloping heart.
He brought it up, he brought up the spark she had for him! She knew it was there – she DID find him attractive in the beginning. Only recently she knew she liked him enough to have a crush, perhaps something more or not she didn't know, but she managed to get away from some of that. She just used it to allow herself to relax around him. Anything more scared her.
She looked away and it confirmed what he speculated in her eyes. She DID feel something for him! He forgot to breathe for a second, even if his heart surged and a spec of happiness hit him. She liked him! He knew it was more than a friend or she would've answered immediately that it was only that. Even if she DID answer that way, he would've seen past it. She was too open to hide something like that to someone who saw her way of burying things.
"You – you do...you – and I – and you – we –"
Her head shook a little, trying to keep him from believing. If he believed, she'd believe and that wouldn't be a good thing. "You're my friend. I like you as a friend. I know that's what you feel. You've always flirted with me. I just thought I'd be used to it now." She spared him a glance and found incredulity on his face.
She COULDN'T be SERIOUS! She not only doubted herself, but she was telling him how he supposedly felt! That was enough of that.
"You could never be more wrong in your life. I know you don't think me true. You don't want to get hurt anymore, and that's understandable. I wouldn't want emotional pain either...and I've been dumped a lot too." His hand rose and gripped her chin. "But you grossly accuse me by trying to tell ME how I feel."
Her brow furrowed, and she stiffened without thought. "You HAVE always flirted with me though." She reiterated, seeing his eyes slowly lower. He stared at her with a hooded gaze and she mentally ordered herself to move.
But she couldn't.
"I have." He lowly answered, head tilting a little. Everything he felt for her rose to the surface and he let it shine in his eyes. There was only one way he could convince her...he should've known. Everything he did...he should've known only one way would cast all doubts from her mind...
"And – and yet you never acted on it." She stumbled. "Not in the beginning. People can be friendly without meaning it...that's what I figured you were. And perhaps," Her tongue nervously darted out, "you and I are good friends. Too good to waste on changing anything. We -"
He had enough of her garbage. Everything she spouted SHE didn't even believe. She was trying to change both of their minds, with no success. Her anxiety showed quite clearly of that.
His grip on her chin moved her face and he swooped down to harshly claim her lips...cutting her off.
Her eyes widened to painful proportions as they stared at his lids. His lips pressed against hers insistently, but he was gentle.
'He'skissingmehe'skissingmehe'skissingme!!'
Her body shook with the intensity of her heartbeat and the emotions she felt flared to life. She slowly melted under his touch. The last time she was kissed was Eugene – Inaki's few brotherly not counting – and found herself beginning to respond.
Her mouth slowly moved against his and he followed, feeling a shaking hand slowly press against his cheek. His heart raced even faster as an arm wrapped around her back and pressed her to him.
She was surprised, but it only brought to the surface how much she wanted to touch him in return. Her hand cupped his chin, the other sliding up his arm to touch his neck. Her hand soon abandoned his face for the back of his head and both dug into the raven mass. His hair was soft and she couldn't resist running it through her fingers, even though it was in that ever-present braid.
He suppressed a groan and pressed further against her, if that was even possible. His hand followed hers and trailed over her skin to stop at the back of her neck and kneaded the spine. His other slowly trailed the cord through her shirt.
She shook even more as a tingling ran through her body with a vengeance. She knew this feeling...she felt it the same day she saw him in one of her towels.
Inaki honestly didn't know what he was doing by provoking a woman who had been so emotionally and physically deprived for a year. She broke up with Eugene in February when she was nineteen...everything had been shoved into forgetfulness after that.
And now being unleashed on the one person she didn't have the heart to turn away from anymore.
He could almost sense when her hesitation left...right before she all but attacked him. Her lips took control and her mouth opened, tongue stroking his lips. His body felt a jolt, but he eagerly complied, tongue lapped against hers - trying to keep up. Her hands massaged the back of his head and he suppressed another groan, much harder than the last.
She couldn't get enough of him. Somewhere in her mind, she recognized he was kissing her with all the emotion he felt...and did a pretty good job of matching hers. That's when it finally clicked.
He liked her. Inaki liked her. He was interested in her enough to kiss her like this, and so deeply.
Her heart soared the realization, though it'd been presented to her in about half a dozen ways since she started picking up signs.
How stupid could she BE??
When they finally peeled away enough to breathe, both heaving, she didn't have the internal strength to look at him and see whatever was in his eyes. She wasn't THAT strong to meet emotions like this head on – hadn't with others either.
The kneading stopped when his hand trailed to her chin and gently moved it. She didn't fight him and was a little surprised at the utterly tender look that made her body shiver. A smile slowly appeared and she had the urge to melt at his feet...and probably would've if she wasn't plastered against his chest. A blush appeared at that, but it was kind of hard to blush NOW.
He didn't know what to say, but knew he had to say something! She needed to be reassured that the kiss wasn't a mistake, or he wasn't doing it in the heat of the moment. He settled for kissing her again to bide time to think.
The second was twice as gentle and conveyed more emotion than the first. The quivering feeling returned, and her hands jerkily shifted to his shoulders to keep from falling and ruining this. She wanted it to continue...never had she felt this good in so long...
She returned the kiss in the same way, surprising herself at how easily she could match emotions. Had so much built up and she ignored it like everything else until it surfaced? Was she that blind to her own emotions that she'd ignore something like this?? WHY would she...this felt too good!
When he finally pulled away and his eyes fluttered open, he took in her face. Her eyes were closed, lips parted, face flushed...
She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
His heart thumped on that realization and a thumb rubbed her lower lip to avoid the urge to kiss her again. Green shot open and stared at him with uncertainty, but certainly not disgust or dissatisfaction. A charming smile gradually appeared. "You have no idea...how much I've wanted to do that..."
Her lips pressed together to futilely quell a smile and she resisted the urge to look away. Her head was swimming with everything he invoked and she didn't want it to stop. Teeth bit her inner lip before she gained the courage to speak. Whether he was waiting for her or not, she didn't know. "It was...nice..."
There was no doubt about it – this was going to change things. They both knew it; there was no need to voice it. He wasn't worried, not with what he saw. They could handle this, and she was able to take the step...even if it would definitely be hard to get her to accept this in future ventures.
One thing was for sure – he did NOT want to screw this up. That kiss said and told of so much. He never had that with others...of course he never got to know them this long before going out with them. Eight months was the record so far he betted.
Even if dating K immediately after this wasn't going to happen, he was more than happy to tiptoe his way into it.
Knowing he wasn't going to get to kiss her for a while – through physical distance or her own insecurities – he took the chance and gently pressed his lips to hers again.