Disclaimer: I do not own Dawson's Creek or any of its characters.
I turn off the shower and step out of the enclosed space before grabbing my towel and wrapping it around my waist. I walk through the house to get to my room, stopping only to notice that Gretchen's idea of packing up and moving out is extremely messy, with some of her stuff still lying around in her room and around the house.
I open the door to my room and remove the towel, running it over my legs and upper body as I open my drawers to find some clothes. Pulling the top drawer open, I pull out a pair of black dress socks, and a pair of blue plaid boxers. As I slip the boxers on, I notice a small pile of something in the back of my drawer. Pushing away the socks and boxers, I realize that it's all that remains of my condom collection. Our condom collection. I close my eyes and cover them back up, trying to push a memory away...
"Pace... Pace," she moaned as I softly kissed her neck. "Is Gretchen here?"
"She's working late tonight," I answer as I swiftly pull off her sweater. She gives me a look full of lust as she tugs at the bottom of my wifebeater.
"Good, then we won't have to worry about being quiet," she said as she rolled over to her side, and then on top of me, grinding her hips against mine in one quick motion.
"God Jo," I groan as she works at her jeans and pulls them off. She grins as I take her all in and worship her with my eyes. She bends forward and unzips my jeans, pulling them off quickly. I reach forward and un-do the clasp of her bra, pushing away the silk material and immediately taking her breasts into my hands.
"Pacey," she whimpered. "Pacey, I want you inside me, now," she says, almost in a commanding tone. She gets up and begins searching for a condom. "Where do you keep your box?" she asks as she begins looking in my drawers. "Never mind, found it," she says quickly as she takes the open box and dumps the contents into the sock drawer, hiding them carefully before pulling one out. "You might want to get another box, I have a feeling that we're going to be needing a lot more than three," she says with a giggle.
I shake my head vigorously, trying to rid my head of the memory. I close the drawer quickly, turning my attention instead to my closet where I pull out a black pair of dress pants and put them on. I hate dress clothes. I mean honestly, what's the point? I have half a mind to go to the ceremony with nothing underneath the gown. Just to make a statement. I go back to my dresser where I pick up my towel and run it through my hair. I pull open a different drawer and pull out a signature Pacey clothing item, the wifebeater. A very underrated clothing option in my opinion. She used to love them. I mean, before we were dating, she'd always tease me about my clothes, with the Hawaiian shirts and wifebeaters. I recall a conversation we had once, where she said that she had actually always loved the way I looked when I was in a wifebeater because it complimented my upper body perfectly. I grinned and I had kissed her, and then after pulling back for air, I had teased her and promised to hold that statement against her forever. She had smacked me then, and we resumed making out.
"I remember everything."
I honestly do. I remember everything. I just haven't decided if that's really the best thing for me right now. I walk back over to my closet and pull out a white dress shirt and button it up, stopping only to tuck into my pants. I dig deeper into the closet, searching for a tie. For the love of God, why don't I have a tie? I finally pull one out, and to my surprise, it doesn't involve cartoon characters of any kind. It's just a silk black tie that Doug got me for Christmas, saying that it might come in handy when I want to take Joey out. I wrap it around my neck and after several attempts, finally get it tied and not crooked.
I walk back into the bathroom and notice that my hair is pretty much dry, so I grab my bottle of Dippity Doo, yes, that's right, Pacey Witter's sexy hair does contain a bit of product. Not like the half bottle Dawson has been using lately to push his boy bangs out of his face. I had wondered if I threw something at his hair, if it would dent because of the massive amount of gel. I smile as I recall Gretchen after her break-up with Dawson. We had gotten home from the disaster that was prom, and when I had asked her what had happened with Dawson, she told me. No tears, nothing. She told me, and when I tried to comfort her, she told me not to. She called herself a fool for believing that Dawson had gotten over Joey. Apparently, he had still believed that he and Joey were destined to sleep together for the first time after we had slept together, and he had told his present girlfriend that. She had gotten angry then, and began cursing around the house, before finally breaking down to the floor, where I had helped her up and gave her a hug, telling her that Dawson was a fool for not seeing her. We stayed up for hours, never talking about what had happened with Joey, but just throwing back a few beers and bitching about Dawson. I believe we probably talked more about his forehead and his hair then anything else. How sad is that?
I walked back out towards the kitchen, hastily putting on my gown and then grabbing the cap. I look back at the paper, re-reading the jobs I had circled. Marina Attendant. Boat Mechanic. Dishwasher. Something involving construction. I may as well be pumping gas. However, I push those thoughts out of my head as I grab my keys and head out the door.
I note the time, thinking that right now, in this exact moment, Bessie and Joey are probably rushing out the door, Dawson was probably already there, Jack and Andie had probably been hanging around school for a few hours already, and Jen was probably getting harassed by Grams about being late.
I realize how lonely it's going to be this year, even this summer. It hurts to be around any of them for more than five minutes. Even Andie, I mean, I loved seeing her, but it was really hard. I told Drue on Ditch Day that school, Capeside, even seemed empty without them.
I feel like a fool.
I had told Joey that I would be wherever she was. Looking back, I was probably trying to convince myself of that more than I was trying to convince her. And she believed it. So did I, and now I feel like a fool because I didn't realize that I was only lying to myself and prolonging the inevitable. I thought that if I pushed the idea of staying in Capeside alone, that it wouldn't happen. And now it has. I am staying in Capeside. Indefinitely. All my friends will be gone. Joey will be gone. It's like Mitch said to me on the first day of school, they would be moving on without me. It doesn't seem fair. I mean, I worked hard, and I'm going to graduate, but I don't have the girl, and I'm going to be alone in Capeside. It's funny how that turned out.
Pulling into the school parking lot, I unbuckle my seatbelt but I don't get out of the car. I glance over to where the parents will be sitting. I laugh, knowing that my parents won't be there. In fact, there won't be a single Witter in attendance. I consider going home. But then, I see her.
She looks beautiful. Even with the silly looking cap and gown, she looks radiant, almost glowing. I want to go up to her and smile and see her face when I tell her that I did it, that I graduated from high school, but I stay planted to my seat. I meant it when I told her at prom that I didn't have anything else to say. I don't want to tell her that I'll be shacking up in Capeside. I want to be invisible.
I look over at the clock, and hey, it's 9:52. 8 minutes until the beginning of the end of my life at Capeside High. I look into the rear view mirror. I expected to look different, maybe a bit more confident, and definitely a hell of a lot happier. And I had expected to be in close proximity to Joey, telling her that I loved her and how I proud I was that she was valedictorian. And then, Bessie would have taken our picture, and then we would have gotten some pictures with Jack, Jen, Andie, and Dawson before the ceremony started.
9:54. I've got to go take my seat now.
Walking up to the field, I see her talking to Dawson, probably sharing important moment #742 with him. I feel a twinge of jealousy before they part to take their seats. I reluctantly put the cap on my head, hating the cardboard box feel it has. I quietly slip into my chair, not being surprised as nobody notices. Not even Drue Valentine notices my presence, and he's sitting just a few chairs down from me. Somebody hits at my arm, and it's Mrs. Ryan.
"Pacey, did you really expect to slip in here unnoticed?" she says with a smile as she stands in front of me.
"Actually, Mrs. Ryan, that had been my intention," I reply, offering her a small smile.
She nods. "Nobody knows you're here, I presume," she says.
"That would be correct. In fact, Andie's the only one who knows that I'm actually graduating," I answer.
"And I haven't seen your parents yet, are they running a bit late?" she asks, looking around to see if they're here.
"Actually, they're not coming, I'm flying solo today," I say with a chuckle, hoping to ease the awkwardness I'm feeling.
She looks a little surprised, but covers it quickly. "Well then, if you have no plans after the ceremony, the Leery's are having a post-graduation party. I'm sure they'd love to see you there," she says. "I know that Jennifer was hoping to see you today," she adds.
I give her another little smile. "Yeah, I might stop by later," I say. How come I hadn't heard about this post-graduation party before? Oh wait, that's right, I wasn't invited.
"Well, I'd love it if you came. And I think that the ceremony is about to begin, so I best go take my seat. It was nice seeing you Pacey," she says as she puts her hand on my shoulder and walks away. I look down, not able to talk, feeling like I don't belong here. I want to just get up and run away, but before I can follow through with my impulse, I hear that annoying yet familiar voice of Principal Peskin.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to take your seats, we're about to begin the ceremony," he says with a smile. I sit back in my seat, taking a program from an attendant and flipping through it. This should be an incredibly boring 2 hours.
The ceremony itself is very routine, and very boring. The little speeches from supposedly important people that I had never even heard of before. A nice little speech from our class salutorian, some popular kid that I think I've seen twice before in my life. I look around at my fellow classmates, easily spotting Jack and Andie sitting side by side, Jen fidgeting with her cap every few minutes, Dawson sitting a few seats away from her, taking in everything. I look over at Drue, who looks like he's about to die. I try not to look up on stage at Joey, but I can't help it. They just had to put her to the right of the podium so you couldn't avoid seeing her as you tried to pay attention. It's like the world's just out to get me. Oh my God, I sound just like Dawson.
And now she's getting up. To deliver her speech.
I feel my heart race in anticipation as to what she has to say. It's like my eyes are glued to her face and I can't tear them away from her. And then she starts talking, and I wonder if she can see me in the crowd. If she even thinks I graduated.
She talks about being separated by people, through death and distance. I can't help but smile when she says that she'll keep them close to her heart. I want it to make me feel a million times better, but it doesn't work. Still, I can't help but think that she's talking to me in a way. She says that no matter what, we'll take Capeside with us.
She has no idea how much I wish that were literally true. I told her at prom that I was Capeside. I want her to take me along with her to Boston. I want to march up to that stage right now and declare my love for her, and to tell her that we have our sign and that I'm coming to Boston to be with her. I want to tell her I love her and that all my problems are figured out. I want to run up to the stage and kiss her with everything I have. But I know that I can't. And not just because that would be a really stupid thing to do, to interrupt the entire graduation ceremony.
I can't because I would be lying. Not just to her, but to myself. Some of it is true. I still love her, and I've told her that. But the part of me going to Boston, the part where all my problems are figured out, those are lies, and I want to stop lying.
I barely even notice that her speech is over, only when the roaring applause disturbs my thoughts. I smile and clap, giving her the recognition she deserves. Peskin gets back to the podium and gives some instructions, and a bunch of people start lining up. Well, this is it.
I try and clap for every person, just praying that this doesn't take too long. I have a bit of a smile on my face as Dawson gets his diploma, with his dad almost running up to the stage to get a picture. The smile stays as Jen gets hers, as she looks very beautiful walking across the stage. I look over at Mrs. Ryan and see her wipe her eyes. It makes me wish someone were here to see me. And soon, Jack and Andie are getting their diplomas, both of them getting thunderous applauses from the crowd. Their dad is grinning, which is weird because I have never seen him smile. The M's, N's and O's go by pretty quick as I feel my heart racing once again as they P's get closer. I see Bessie walking up to the stage already, probably wanting to get a roll of film taken of Joey.
"Josephine Potter," Peskin calls out in his monotone voice. I feel very proud of her, smiling and clapping, wishing that she would look out at the crowd and notice me there. But she doesn't. I sit through the rest of the names. I'm so distracted out of boredom that I don't hear the girl next to me.
"Hey, W before me, we have to line up," she says.
"Oh, sorry, I wasn't here for the rehearsal," I apologize as I get up and follow along in my line. This is it. I slowly walk up to the stage, hoping to get lost in this single file line of royal blue. I look towards my friends as I pass them by. Andie and Jack don't really notice. Dawson is just looking straight ahead, clapping for people. Finally, I get a reaction as Jen notices me. Her eyes widen and she gives me a grin. I smile back, letting her know with a look that I'm glad that she noticed me.
"Drue Valentine," Peskin continues, as Drue gets a decent applause, and he's grinning like crazy as he walks across the stage. Uh oh. He's got something planned.
I'm standing right by the stage now, my heart threatening to jump out of my chest because it's beating so hard. There's only a few people in front of me now, and I wonder if she's noticed me yet. If anyone else has noticed me yet. Two people. I might pass out I'm so nervous. One more to go.
"Pacey Witter," Peskin says. And then, it's almost like the next few seconds are in slow motion. I start walking across the stage, taking a quick glance at the crowd, and seeing Jen and Andie clapping like crazy, Jack with a small grin on his face, and Dawson looking stunned. I reach Peskin, and he shakes my hand and offers me my diploma, and I can finally see her. She's clapping, and she has a small smile on her face. She as well looks a little stunned at my presence. I give her a small smile back, and I stare directly at her, trying to thank her with my eyes. I think she reads it, as she nods and mouths something that looks like "you're welcome". I step off the stage, and just like that, it's all over. A few more names follow mine, and then Peskin introduces us as the class of 2001, the caps fly, the parent's clap, and some sprinklers go off. I look over at Drue, knowing that he was behind of all it. I know that the ceremony is over, and although part of me wants to go and talk to my friends, it's too hard. I don't even want to try; I just want to go home.
I quickly get out of my seat and begin speed walking to my car. I really hope that nobody comes after me. I don't even bother looking back at Capeside High as reach the parking lot. What's the point? I spent three years despising the place. What's so great about it now that I'm out of it?
I put the keys in the ignition as I watch my fellow classmates celebrate. The sprinklers are off now, and people are finding each other and congratulating them. I can see Jen giving Jack and Andie a hug, and for a brief moment I think she's looking for me. Oh well. If they want to see me, they know where they can find me. I back out of the parking lot and exit Capeside High with a smile on my face. It's about time that I got away from that hellhole. I think back to the Leery's post-graduation party. I don't want to go. For some strange reason, even though I wanted my friends to notice me today, I want to be alone right now. I want to go home, and change out of this ridiculous outfit, maybe get something to eat, and I think I should call some of those ads back.
I've been feeling very lonely for months now. Ever since college acceptance letters came. I don't want to be around my friends as they have their families together, telling them how proud they are of them. I don't want to be there when they discuss the future, because I don't have one. And being around them hurts. My insecurities just seem to flare up when I'm around them. I just want to be alone.
I speed my way back to the beach house, not caring if I break a traffic rule or two. I pull up to the beach house, grabbing my diploma and cap out of the passenger's seat. I walk into the house slowly, setting the diploma and cap on the table before I pull off my gown and make a mental note to take it back some time today. I walk back into my room and quickly pull off the tie and pull the shirt out of my pants. I grab an orange t-shirt and some khaki shorts and quickly unbutton my shirt and unzip my pants, throwing them on the floor in the process. Finally, that noose is gone. Have I mentioned yet how I hate dressing up? I always have, always will. I grab an orange flowered Hawaiian shirt from my closet and put it on, leaving all the buttons open.
I walk back out to the kitchen, stopping at the refrigerator to grab the orange juice bottle and chug some down. I put it back in, searching for something edible, but to no avail. Just some Tupperware of some of Gretchen's creations that I'm afraid to touch. I turn to the pantry and not surprisingly; it's bare except for a box of crackers and a bottle of vodka. Another mental note: get groceries.
My eyes go back to the newspaper still sitting on the table before me. What's stopping me? I grab the phone and dial the first number. Something about a boat mechanic. "Hi, I read an ad in the paper about a boat mechanic position available at the marina?... Yeah, I've had some experience, I restored a boat last year... 18, sir... Yeah, I can come in for an interview... Tomorrow at 1:00 sounds good." Yet another mental note: job interview at 1:00 tomorrow. I write it down on the whiteboard by the phone. Dial another number. "Hello, I read an ad in the paper about something involving a warehouse, no experience necessary?... I'm 18 ma'am... Actually, I can work an evening or late-night shift... As soon as possible... Yeah, I can come over right now for an interview. Thank you." Must be my lucky day. Those phone calls were actually pretty easy, and now I've got something to do.
I grab my keys once again from the counter, and bolt out the door. I put the car into gear and start the drive across the town to this place. I honestly don't have a clue what this job is for, all I know is that it's at a warehouse, and this warehouse is across town. I drive through town, and I can read all the messages put up by business owners: "Good luck Class of 2001," "Congratulations Graduates!" and "Best of luck Class 01." I grin as I realize once again that I actually did it. I actually graduated from high school, even with odds stacked against me.
It isn't long before I get to the warehouse, the Carson Warehouse. I park the jeep and walk towards the entrance of the building. I walk up to the front desk, suddenly feeling very nervous. "Hi, I'm Pacey Witter, I just called a little while ago regarding a job opportunity," I say.
"Okay, Pacey, Mr. Carson will see you in room 4A, it's just down the hall," the secretary says.
I nod and walk down the hall, feeling my heart pound against my chest. I turn to room 4A, and knock on the door. "Come in," says the voice on the inside. I open the door and I'm greeted by a middle-aged man in a button up shirt and a smile flashed across his face. "My name's Dave Carson," he says brightly as he extends his hand.
"Pacey Witter," I reply, shaking his hand hard.
"So, Sue, the secretary told me you called looking for a job, is that correct?" he asks.
"Yeah, I read an ad in the paper this morning," I reply.
"Well, look, Pacey, we're really desperate for anyone who can work right now. The thing is, we need people who can stay for more than just the summer," he says as he relaxes in his chair.
"Um, well, sir, I can assure you that I'm not going anywhere," I answer, looking down at the ground. I'm not going anywhere.
"Okay, well, another thing we need is late night workers. Could you handle late night shifts?" he asks.
"Yeah, I can do it," I reply.
"Well then Pacey, that pretty much settles it. I'd like to offer you a job here. It's not too hard of work, we've got great people working here, and the pay doesn't suck. What do you say? Can you start Monday night?" he offers with a smile on his face.
I feel a smile tug at my lips. "Yeah, sure thing, what time do I have to be here?"
"I'll throw you on at 8:00 pm, and we'll see what happens from there. But, if you're available, we're pretty desperate for full time workers. Would you be interested?" he asks.
"Sure," I reply, realizing that I had accomplished something today. I could now cross getting a job off my mental to-do list.
"All right then, I'll see you on Monday Pacey. And if you could just fill these out for then, that'd be great," he says with a satisfied grin as he hands me a few papers.
"Thank you very much sir," I say, shaking his hand vigorously as I head out the door. I can't help but grin all the way back to my car as I look over the forms. I didn't think that getting this job would be so easy. Maybe my luck's changing. I start driving away and rub my stomach, feeling a wave of hunger wash over me. I remember the barren pantry and refrigerator at home. I better make a stop at the grocery store.
Later on...
I walk out of the grocery store, paper bags in hand, and start loading them into the jeep. I see a woman struggling with some bags as she walks out of the store, so I jog up to help her out. "Here, let me help you with that," I offer as I take the majority of her bags.
"Thanks," the kind voice replies and I freeze when I recognize the voice. Bessie. We haven't talked since before prom. "Oh, hey Pacey! Congratulations, I'm very proud of you," she says with a smile as we walk towards her truck.
"Um, thank you," I mumble, wondering why she isn't trying to kill me right now.
"Look, I know that you're probably wondering why I'm not screaming at you, and I admit, for awhile, I wanted to kick your ass for what you did to Joey," she begins as I close my eyes at the memory of prom. "But the other day, we were talking, and I asked her if she hated you. And she said of course not. And then I said, 'Jo, do you remember prom?' And then she looked up at me and said that she still loved you." I look back at her surprised, not expecting to hear Joey say that. "And I decided that if she can still love you after prom, then I can suck it up and forgive you. And you know, despite what I might have said to kick you out of my house, I care about you Pacey. And I was very proud to see you there today. And I know Joey was too."
I smile as I set the groceries in the truck. "So, what are all these groceries for?" I ask.
"They're just some extra things for the Leery's party. Are you going over later?" she asks.
I freeze again. "Um, you know, I don't think I'll be making an appearance. I've got some stuff to do," I say, trying to make a good excuse.
"She really wants to see you Pace," Bessie says in a soft voice.
"She knows where she can find me," I reply, giving her a half smile. "I better get going. It was nice to talking to you," I say, starting to walk away.
"Not so fast Pacey Witter, I get a hug out of you because you did just graduate today," she says with a laugh as she pulls me into a hug. "You're always welcome to come over and see her," she whispers.
"Thanks," I say, giving her a smile as I walk over to my car. I wave to her as I drive by the truck, and even though I've lived in this town my whole life, I feel lost. Groceries, I remind myself as I start heading towards home. The way home is full of thought. Part of me wants to go to the party because she wants to see me. Part of me wants to run over to the B&B right now and tell her that I love her too. But I can't. I can't get myself to do it. I pull into the makeshift driveway and grab my groceries. I quickly put them away because I need to get away. Away to a place where no one will find me. The only place I can think of is the old alma mater, Capeside High.
Hours later...
I don't know how long I've been sitting here. For some reason, the clean up volunteers failed to show up and all of the chairs from the ceremony earlier are still set up. I had taken my seat from earlier, and I just sat and thought. It's a bit darker out now, and the stars are coming out now. I smile as I remember all the nights on True Love, where Joey and I would just sit on deck and stare at the stars. Suddenly, I hear footsteps behind me and I turn around.
"Hey," she says quietly as she comes closer.
I try to smile. "Hey," I reply, a little stunned to see her.
"You didn't come to the party," she states.
"Well, I wasn't really invited," I say, looking away from her and back up at the stars.
"You know that you could've come anyways," she says, not believing me.
I swallow hard and decide to tell her the painful truth. "It would've hurt too much. I don't want to get hurt anymore," I reply, not allowing myself to look into her eyes.
She just simply nods and takes a seat almost right next to me. "I thought you were going to take Kubelik's offer," she says, joining me as I look up at the sky.
"His wife's sick and he cancelled the trip," I say disappointedly. "But I wouldn't have left without saying goodbye."
She smiles a little, and then I think I hear her sniff. She self-consciously wipes at her eye. "Do you think that it's always going to hurt this much?"
"Well, eventually, we'll move on, and things will fade between us, and then it won't hurt anymore," I say, hoping that she doesn't keep crying because it kills me to see her cry.
"Is that what you think?" she asks.
I pause. "I don't know. I don't know too much of anything right now," I answer.
This time it's her turn to pause. "I know that I still love you, and I know that I've never been more proud of you than I was today," she says, looking at me.
This time I can't help but look at her. "Your speech was beautiful. Your mom would've been proud, just like I am right now," I say with a smile. We sit in silence for a few minutes, just gazing at the sky above us. "How did you know I was here?"
"I didn't. I was just walking by, and I saw you sitting here," she replies quickly.
"Is it hurting too much? For you to be here right now?" I ask.
She lets out a breath. "It hurts to be here, knowing that we have to spend time apart when I still love you," she answers.
"I know. But we have to be apart right now. We're in two different places, Jo," I say as her head looks back down. "I can't be with you when I'm living my life like this."
"Like what?" she asks.
"This life that I lead, where I hate myself more than I ever thought possible and where I can't offer you anything," I explain. "I'm on a self-destructive path; I'm not taking you down with me."
I hear her sob a little more. "Do you think that there's any hope for us?"
I place my hand over hers. "I told you last night, this isn't how I want it to end between us. And you said, that if I ever owned a sailboat again, that I wouldn't have to ask. I don't have that sailboat Jo. That's going to take some time," I say.
She smiles and holds on to my hand tightly. "Would it be okay if we just sat here, and looked up at the sky?"
"Yeah, I'd love to," I reply as I kick my feet up, as we sit here together, under the stars, just like old times.
And if all else fails
You can look up at the sky
Because it's the same one that shines above you and I
And if all else fails
You can close your eyes
And I'll be right beside you
I'll be the one by your side